Schitt's Creek (2015) s06e03 Episode Script

1 (Skype chimes) I-I can see you! Can you see me? Finally! How many days has it been? Yeah, sorry about that.
We ended up having to extend our research trip.
But it was totally worth it because we discovered a new breed of fly that mates with itself.
Yummm! Mm.
Well, I guess if this is what you look like after finding some gross fly, I can forgive you for being away for so long.
I've actually been bench pressing 100-pound tortoises because there's no gym here.
Ted! Stop making me jealous of turtles.
Tortoises, but I do have tur-tell you that I've been thinking about you, a lot, especially at nighttime.
(Coyly) What a coincidence.
I've been thinking about you a lot.
At nighttime.
- I've been all alone and lonely.
- (Door opens) - (Horrified gasp) - Oh! Oh my God, David! Knock much?! - (Gags) - Ted: Hi, David! Hi.
Is he dressed? - Yes! - Ugh.
Forget it.
Okay, we're celebrating our anniversary.
Can you give us some privacy, please? Kids, just wanna let you know I'm taking the car this morning.
- Ugh! - Mm.
You might wanna say hi to Ted.
He and Alexis were about to engage in cyber-sex.
(Frustrated) Mm! - Hi, Ted.
- Hi, Mr.
Rose.
Moira: Alexis, what have I told you about putting your body on the internet? Never! Never without proper lighting.
Can everyone get out, please?! I haven't seen my boyfriend in like eight days.
And I haven't seen my furry Fendi's for weeks.
- Hi, Mrs.
Rose! - No.
We're not engaging with them.
Everybody out so I can finish off with Ted! - Sick! - Ugh! Goodbye, please! Found them! (Birds chirp, Stevie mutters) (Loud knock, door opens) (Annoyed sigh) What took you so long? Uh, you said it was an emergency, so I came straight here.
You stopped for coffee? And a breakfast burrito that I got to go.
So what's going on? (Apprehensive sigh) I need you to help me put together an outfit.
'Kay, I have a job interview this afternoon and I need to look professional.
So, does that mean you're officially leaving the motel? No.
just, I don't know, I'm just, you know, trying to see what's out there.
- Mm.
- And Larry Air is hosting an open call for employment opportunities.
Okay, "Larrierre" sounds like a dollar-store perfume.
It's an airline.
Larry is the name of the CEO.
He used to own a chain of delis, but then he sold them - to buy a bunch of planes.
- Mm.
I get to travel, see the world.
Mhmm.
You know that I was once told that I would make an excellent flight attendant.
Hmm! By who? Sandy, the hostess on our private plane.
She once let me de-bone a branzino - during turbulence.
- So what're you trying to say? You don't think I have what it takes to be a flight attendant? No.
I just think if it's between the two of us, we all know who's getting the job.
Oh! Okay.
Why don't you come with me then and and we'll see who gets it.
Well, if this is what we're working with, I think we can hand me the contract today.
(Simpering chuckle) I need a boot.
Johnny: I think the pitch for the new motel went well.
If all goes to plan, we should be able to move forward even without Stevie.
I want you to know, Johnny, I am not gonna abandon you like she did.
- Stevie didn't abandon us.
- Well, jump ship.
Look, origami! All right, gentlemen, I spoke with my manager and everyone's in agreement that this proposal is excellent.
Ah! That sounds good! Unfortunately, we couldn't offer the loan at this time.
Sorry, I might've gotten confused there.
The bank has assessed that you don't have enough assets to secure the loan.
I have assets.
I'm invested in the motel.
Which doesn't appear to be in your name.
That's right, it's in my partner's name.
So, you're Stevie Budd? (Chuckles) No.
Believe it or not, that's actually a woman's name.
Look, there must be something we can do here.
I ran a major business for 30 years.
Yeah, and look at the way this guy bounced back from total financial ruin.
You know, there was a day when banks would provide loans based solely on their faith in a very solid business idea.
That's gonna be a tough sell to my boss.
We don't offer faith-based loans.
Okay, uh, I did not wanna play this card, but I will.
- I am the mayor.
- You already mentioned that.
'Kay, did I mention I went steady with your mom? Unfortunately, you did.
Okay, then I'm out.
I got nothing.
(Door clicks open) Honey, you're home! - Yay! - (Door clicks shut) Alexis! Your father and I are going to meet for a celebratory lunch when he's done at the bank, and I was supposed to invite you to join us.
Yeah, I'm a little busy.
What in God's name do you have there? Please tell me it's not a testudine.
No, it's a turtle.
Alexis! Turtles do not pets make.
The poor things are riddled with a myriad of diseases.
You may as well tie a leash around a raw chicken cutlet.
Relax, they said he's already been washed.
Say hello to Ted.
Hello, Theodore.
I don't see the computer.
No, I've named the turtle Ted.
All the blogs about successful long-term relationships say that the key is creating shared experiences.
Oh dear.
If your coupling is too frangible to survive this brief disunion Okay, I am trying my best.
Is this supposed to be making me feel better? Oh, very well.
Alexis, if you desire a love with longevity, the key is to have as little in common as possible.
After an award-worthy trilogy of decades together, your father and I still astonish each other.
Although today, I will but feign surprise when he tells me he's secured a hefty loan to initiate our imminent connecting departure from this lengthy layover.
You'll be coming with? No.
I have to give Ted his pellets, and then put him down for a little nap.
Sexy.
(Sniffs and gags) Mm! Mm! Now is this look comfortable for you, or uncomfortable? Uh, you dress for the job you want.
So you wanna be a youth pastor? Hi.
Wow.
While, that joke was surprisingly sharp, these are Patrick's clothes.
So, you might wanna tell that to my fiancé's face.
Mm.
"Larry Air, recent improvements: all chairs will have tray tables, not just first class.
" (Simpering chuckle) I feel like I'm flying on the Concorde.
You can leave any time.
I'm fine to do this on my own.
How will I get the job if I leave now though? All right, everyone, If you could please follow me, we're ready to get started.
(Low hum of chatter) Thank you so much.
Well, it is so exciting to see how much interest there is in Larry Air.
Oh, I should mention, if anyone here is involved in the class-action lawsuit against Larry Air, you are disqualified from applying.
All right, why don't we go around, and I'll have each of you state your name and tell us what you consider your biggest weakness.
Ooh! Me? Um Stevie Budd, and um I'd say my biggest weakness is - that I'm disorganized.
- Ooh, that's true.
- And, um, I'm indecisive.
- Yes.
- Uh I also - Okay.
We just needed one.
Next? Hi.
David Rose.
Would we consider loyalty a weakness? If not, I'm also really honest.
I'm just gonna put down chatty.
- Okay.
- Hmph.
(Birds chirp, car rumbles) Well, she said there was nothing she could do.
Apparently, I don't have enough assets.
Yeah, she said apparently Johnny doesn't have enough assets.
Yeah, and the problem is, how do you get assets - without the loan? - But the the problem is, how do you get assets without a loan? Roland, you're not adding anything to the sentence, you're just repeating what I said.
Anyway, I don't know how long this will set us back, Moira.
Could be another year or two before we make any headway.
Oh, surely there's some penny-wise townsperson with a hidden rainy-day reservoir.
Well, you know, uh, I don't wanna be the town gossip here, but, uh, the other day, I got a look at Bob's financial statement on his desk in the office, and that garage is doing great! Plus, he got plugs last year, but you didn't hear that from me.
You know, come to think of it, Gwen has been coming to rehearsal in those fancy yoga clothes.
Those are not cheap.
I know because I buy the knockoffs, - and they're not cheap.
- Bob You know, he was very interested in that bagel business a while ago, and this is a much stronger idea.
Roland and I are having dinner with Bob and Gwen tonight.
- Bob! - Hey, folks.
Bob! Oh, look at you, Robert, with the hides of a herd of Holstein on your back.
(Laughing) Yeah.
Sorry, uh, I don't have time to chat.
Uh I just had two cups of coffee, uh, I don't wanna push my luck.
I mean, uh, these pants, they take like a year to unlace, so (Knocks on table) Rose's, I hope you like fish, 'cause I think we just reeled in a big one.
Hey, Alexis.
Another green smoothie, no greens? Um yeah, if you're making one.
No.
I'm asking if you want one.
(Sighs) Okay, Twy, I didn't like leave anything behind when I popped by earlier, did I? I don't think so, but if you tell me what you lost, I can ask George if anyone turned it in? No, it's, it's nothing.
It's just a turtle.
- What? - His name is Ted and he's gone.
And I can't remember where I put him, and I thought it was in the motel, but he could've like crawled out of my purse when I brought him by the cafe earlier.
Okay.
Turtles are actually kind of like huge health hazards, so when did you last see him? 'Kay, it's been weeks.
But between the patchy Wi-Fi and like the ten-day nature trips, and me being alone here, kind of feels like he left the day that he flew to the Galapagos.
The turtle flew to the Galapagos? No, Ted the turtle is missing, I am now talking about my boyfriend Ted, Twy.
It'd be great if you could keep up.
Right.
Sorry.
The slowest animal on earth escaped from me.
That can't not be a bad sign.
My mom had a turtle dove that was eaten by her ex-fiancé's snake.
- That was a bad sign.
- Oh my God.
And it happened on Valentine's Day.
- Mm.
- And her fiancé was a Satanist.
I think you guys are just going through a tough time.
But who knows? Maybe you'll be pleasantly surprised by how much closer this brings the two of you.
And if it makes you feel any better, turtles actually thrive out of captivity.
Thanks, Twy.
Oh, and if you do see Ted like waddling around in the kitchen, just feed him a carrot and shoot me a text.
(Laughs) I hope you're joking.
Me too, girl.
(Air kiss) Love you! (Entry bells tinkle, music plays quietly) (Highway traffic rumbles) - Excuse me.
- Mm? This baby behind me has been crying for over an hour now and I just can't take it anymore.
You and me both.
I have shushed them thrice at this point.
Now, here are your options: I could either move those two to the back of the plane, or I could offer you some complimentary alcohol to make your flight a little more bearable.
Okay.
Thank you, David.
Thank you, Carol! - That was a great example - Thank you! Of what not to do.
David just reminded us of two touchstone policies here at Larry Air: no seat changes, and "complimentary" is not in our corporate vocabulary.
But finger snaps for David! - All: (Snapping fingers) - We don't s-Sure.
Okay, I think it's time to move on to the final round.
If I call your name, please stand up.
Rupinder Pimms, Tracey Mickleson, Felix Ng, and David Rose.
- Fuck yes! - I regret to inform you, you will not be asked to continue the process.
- (Shocked laugh) - This is so embarrassing.
I thought you said David Rose.
I did.
Too bad they didn't have a branzino to de-bone - because you would've got this.
- (Unamused) Hmm Yeah, hi, Carol? Uh, it's just that some of us drove some of the other applicants here, so it might just be easier if we all just moved forward into the next round.
I think it's best if you wait in the hall.
Okay.
I'll be taking some of these complimentary peanuts then.
Oh, as I pointed out, nothing is complimentary on Larry Air.
I'm taking the peanuts, Carol! - (Door bangs shut) - Okay, moving on (Muzak-style music plays) Well, hopefully, Gwen will be here soon.
Oh, we don't have to wait for Gwen.
Oh, I think we do.
It uh gives us more time to talk.
How often do good friends get a chance to sit around and, uh, and talk? Right! And, you know, I didn't get a chance to tell you before, but that is one snazzy outfit.
(Chuckles) I mean Somebody somebody's got some money to burn.
(Chuckles) Take it easy, Roland.
- Well - Let's not embarrass the man.
He obviously knows what his money can do for him.
(Chuckles) This is so exciting! I feel like I'm a Wolf of Wall Street.
Good then let's go get our lamb.
Oh, are we having lamb? No, just my Sloppy Jocelyns.
Hope you're hungry, Bob.
Speaking of yummy opportunities.
John, were you able to return Bill and Melinda's call today about the hmm hmm-hmm? Well, you know, Moira, we're not supposed to be discussing investment opportunities at the table, no matter how lucrative they might be.
But you know what the Gateses are like - Bill and Melinda.
You know, they're expecting your call about (Loud whisper) the investment.
- Yeah.
- Wow! You know Bill Gates? Oh, who doesn't? But you're right, Bob, why gild their lilies when there might be someone right under our noses looking for a lucrative venture? Well, I look, I I might as well just come clean: Gwen's not coming.
Let's eat.
(Reaching grunt) Yeah, she, uh, she left me.
I'm sorry, it's just all this, all this money talk, and all I can think about is how much I spent on this suit.
Gwen, she told me, you know, she said, "I like bad boys," and now she's holed up with our minister.
She was bragging about a religious experience.
Perhaps there's an upside to all this, - fiscally speaking.
- Hmm! (Laughs) Oh no, no.
(Laughs) Listen, uh, Johnny, I, I hate to ask, but, uh, you just seem to have so many, uh, high-profile friends.
Do you think one of them might be open to cutting me a loan? See, Gwen and Parson Jim, they're they're after the house.
Mm.
(Crickets chirp) (Bottle clanks, wine glass clinks) So, are you just never gonna talk to me ever again? I asked you to roll up the window in the car.
The highway smelled like manure.
Okay.
It just seems like you're upset.
Not upset.
Just didn't feel like talking in the car.
So.
Okay.
Did Carol embarrass herself by sending me away in front of everybody? Absolutely.
Was the entire group shocked by that decision? Seemed like it based on some people's faces.
Now ask me if I care.
- Do you care - Don't care! I don't care! (Annoyed laugh) You are such a sore loser.
- I am not! - (Snorts) I'm not.
It's just, do you really wanna work for a place that clearly doesn't know what they're doing? Oh, well, they really want me to work for them, so I have to trust that they do know what they're doing.
- Okay.
- Admit it.
I'm more qualified than you.
- Fine.
- Admit it.
You're more qualified than me.
- Thank you! - Now let's see what exciting new job opportunities await you in your new career as an airline hostess.
Give me that! Give it! I am so embarrassed for you! Now, I would love to use one of Larry Air's "completely private" new paid toilets.
I don't know why they have to stress "completely private.
" Get out! Get out! - (Lid twists) - No.
(Forced gulp) Ugh! (Crickets chirp) Alexis: Ted! Dinner's ready! (Knock at the door) Ugh! - Alexis Rose? - Yes? Mr.
Mullens has arranged a limo for you.
If you could please come with me.
How do I know this isn't like an abduction or something? It's not an abduction.
You didn't blink.
I believe you.
Um, okay, I'll be out in five.
(Soft jazz music plays) (Door opens, entry bells tinkle) Good evening, Ms.
Rose.
The other member of your party has already been seated.
I tell myself that I'm So lucky To be loving you Oh, hi.
Ted! What is this? Well, I couldn't let our anniversary go without a celebration.
Just because we're not in the same city doesn't mean that we can't go on a date.
And you're wearing the little tie with your short-sleeved shirt.
My little Galapo-guy.
Yeah, it's actually really hot here, so the bottom half is just my bathing suit and flip-flops.
(Gasps) Ted! More about your bottom half, please! Twyla's not standing right behind you, is she? Hi, Ted.
Twyla, again, I can't thank you enough for making this happen.
Um, I can lock up if you wanna go, Twy.
Oh, someone has to serve you dinner.
But don't worry, I'll stay out of your way.
(Wine pours, Alexis chuckles) Alexis, I'm sorry for dropping the ball on our calls.
I thought that we would have Wi-Fi on the trip and we didn't, so the rest of the team just had to listen to me talk about you for seven days.
In fact, they actually named the new fly "Alexis.
" The fly that mates with itself? Yeah, I think the important thing is that, now, I have a little Alexis here with me, just buzzing around.
I'm just like so happy to see your face.
Me too.
So lucky Boop! Boop! To be loving you (Booping one another playfully) (Door clicks open) Okay, John, I'm going to throw another name at you: Ronnie.
Owns her own business, no kids.
Clearly doesn't spend any money on herself.
I appreciate the enthusiasm, Moira, but uh I just got off the phone with Betty Terkstra.
She sold the place.
No, John! I'll keep an eye open for a less pricey property, but, uh, without Stevie, I think we're in a bit of a bind.
Oh, John, hold me.
Good is coming, it has to.
(Persistent knock at the door) Hello, Johnny! Look, I appreciate the gesture, guys, but, uh, this is not a good night for champagne.
Oh, speak for yourself, John.
Oh good, you're lying down! We have big news.
If you're referring to the bath-time video Gwen posted N-no, n-no, it's it's not that exciting.
No, um (clears throat) well, we - brought the motel! (Gasps) - What?! Yeah, we took out a second mortgage on our house.
Yeah.
After what went down at dinner, Joc and I started talking, and we figured, well, if it's good enough for Bill Gates to invest in, it's, uh, good enough for us to invest in.
Roland, we don't actually know I'm, I'm sorry, I'm, I'm not comprehending.
We are buying into the business.
Say hello to your new business partners.
Oh, well, if that's not cause for alcohol I don't know what is.
So, we have the motel? We sure do.
Now, first order of business, we need name tags.
(Laughing excitedly) I don't believe this! Roland, we will make this work.
- Yes.
- We'll make it work.
- Thank you.
Thank you, Roland.
- All right.
(Loud pats) - Why is there a turtle on the floor? - Moira: Alexis!