Still Game (2002) s06e03 Episode Script

Right, give this a wee go.
Hello? Hello? No, I'm outside the cab.
No, cos you get the jail for talking on the phone now.
It's dangerous.
Safety first wi' me, Davie boy.
I dunno.
Parkmill, I think.
Nah, that's me done.
Eh? Aye.
What, tonight? Aye, a couple of pints.
Nae problem.
Good.
BOOM! No! Right, Mr Douglas, that's you.
Just sign here.
There ye are.
Thank very much.
You're very welcome.
So, are you happy? Happy with what? Yer removal.
Very happy, aye.
Oh, aye.
Aye.
Let's see what I've got here.
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah! Does that look like a Ferrari to you? Eh? Or an Aston Martin? Or a Lamborghini? No, it's a disabled buggy, that's right.
Sling yer hook, ya gormless bastard.
Put yer money away.
Thanks, Winston.
For the day, an' that.
Eh? Oh, no, no.
It's me that should be thanking you.
It's all good news having a friendly face doon the stair fae ye, y'know.
The last guy was an utter arsehole.
See that damp patch up there on the ceiling? Aye.
That was me.
The bastard gave me a pile of snash on the landing one day, so I filled the bath, put the plug in and went oot.
I'll bet that showed him.
Aye, it showed him.
That'll need to be painted, Winston.
Aye.
Don't worry, I'll dae it.
Right, here's what we'll do.
We'll catch a bit of the racing, then I'll start emptying some of these boxes.
Right, a wee toast.
To new neighbours.
This is gonna be smashin'.
Here.
Use these.
You takin' them oot the remote control? Aye, why not? And how are we gonna watch the telly? There isnae any telly! We've nae power, ya clown! Oh, aye.
Right, give this a wee go.
STATIC CRACKLES 'knocking out the power supply to Parkmill, Craiglang and Carnvale.
'A spokesman from Scottish Electricity 'said they are doing everything in their power 'to reinstate the electricity supply to these areas.
' "Everything in their power"! 'They were unsure of how long this would take, 'as the damage was quite significant.
'Edinburgh Zoo are proud to announce the birth of two new babies! 'Two new koala bears, that is.
'Mother and' Is that it? How did it happen? When did it happen? How long's it aff fer? Bloody news, by Christ! Hey, boys! Isa? The whole scheme's oot! Some fella drove his lorry into the substation this morning, half past ten.
Peggy's brother works for the leccy.
H's saying it could be off for a week.
You get more information oot your letterbox than you do oot this tranny.
Incredible, isn't it? Weather? Rain this afternoon, but we should have a clear night.
Traffic? How do you mean? Is there any congestion at Charing Cross at the M8 cut-off? How would I know? Well, unless you've got a bloody helicopter, you're nae use to us.
Thank you.
Charming(!) I'm freezing.
Gonnae put the fire on? Aye, put it on full blast.
Nae power! Oh, Jesus.
Och, well, this is dire.
Apart from a couple of tins of soup an' half a loaf, I've got nothing in.
It's not a blizzard.
We'll just stock up.
We'll get candles, batteries - provisions and that.
Mm.
They'll be at the panic-buyin' at Navid's.
Aye.
All the shitebag merchants buyin' stuff they don't need.
"Gimme six loaves, 12 pints of milk and all yer Brillo pads, "cos ye cannae get enough Brillo pads in a blackout"! Mm.
Maybe we should get doon there, eh? Aye.
Aye.
Quick cup of tea first? I'll stick the kettle VICTOR CHUCKLES The whole estate's oot.
Some guy ran his truck into the back of the substation.
Probably steaming drunk.
You've picked a cracking day to move in, Joe.
Nae electricity.
Aye.
At least you're not as bad as the high flats, eh? They're all electric.
I liked the high flats.
I don't know if I've done the right thing moving in low down.
Eh? That's how they moved ye.
The flats is nae place for a man in your position.
Come on noo, they've built you that concrete ramp and you've got all yer low-doon light switches.
They don't work, but.
They don't work noo, but they will do.
Aye.
I wonder how long it's gonna be aff for? I'm worried about my chair.
I never thought about that.
Ye've tae charge that up.
Aye.
Well, I'll just sit here, and I'll only use it if I really need tae.
Aye.
Aye, good call.
Listen you, Joe, you've landed on yer feet here, pardon the pun.
I mean, I'm only up the stair, you know.
If there's anything you're needing, whenever you're needing it, all you have to do is shout.
Or better still, just do this.
I'll plaster that an' then I'll paint it.
Aye.
Drunk driver.
Driving a lorry oot his mind right into the substation.
You don't say.
Now, have ye any Brillo pads? Naw.
I'll take 18 rolls.
Nae rolls.
I'll take four loaves? Look around you, love.
This shop is like Russia.
I've got Marigold gloves, butter beans and as much pineappleade as you want.
Clock is ticking.
I have to rush you.
I'll take the beans and the gloves.
Congratulations! She's gone for the beans and the gloves! You've been a great contestant! And thank you for playing Panic Buy.
How you doing, Navid? One second, Jack.
Anybody for pineappleade? GRUMBLING Where's Meena the day, Navid? Down the cash and carry, running about like a blue-arsed fly.
I suppose it's pointless asking for bread.
You'd think so.
But as, er, valued customers, you are privy to Navid's private stock.
There you go.
That's great, Navid.
Ten pound.
Whit?! For two loaves? Look at you.
I'm only pulling yer pisser.
Look at your wee faces! ?1.
80.
Ten quid.
That's more like it.
Er, two loaves, Navid.
Oh, no' you an' all? What? Panic buying.
Behaving like an arsehole.
What ya gonna do, Winston, ya greedy bastard? Eat two loaves? One's for me, the other one's for Joe.
Oh, Joe in the chair? Aye.
Carry on then.
Thank you very much(!) Coming for a pint? Aye! That's Meena back fae the cash and carry, there, Navid.
AIR HORN Supplies! Oh, look who it is - Huey, Dewey and Louie.
Who? The Disney characters.
Oh, right, aye.
Well, get us three pints, ya goofy bastard! Bottles only.
Pump's off.
Tam, Shug.
Hey, Eck.
Right, I'm gonna have a go at the puggy.
Aye, aye.
Puggy's off.
Ye nearly there yet, Shug? Gies a minute, will ye? You want another beer, mate? Nah.
That's me.
Shug and I'll take a couple of bottles of beer, Boaby.
Four quid.
There's a fiver.
Hear what happened at the power station? Aye.
A lorry driver ran intae it and humped it.
No, no, no, no, no.
Cock-eyed with the drugs, he was.
The polis were chasing for miles.
He was shoutin' and bawlin' oot the windae.
Lost control of the lorry.
Boof.
Lights out.
Aye, it's grim, innit? It's no' that bad.
Saves yer meter running up a bill.
There's money to be saved in a power cut.
Aye, well, no' in here there's no'.
That's no' a fiver, Tam.
That's a DRAWING of a fiver.
Nearly.
Nearly.
This is good fun.
We should just camp here, get pished! Aye.
We'll hole up.
It's like a bunker.
It's like the war.
Aye.
It's a war, all right.
A war of wits.
And we havenae seen the worst of it yet.
Aye, blackouts is bad times, especially for a shitehole like Craiglang.
I've seen it in the Army, when we used to go intae places, places that had been flattened.
Nae power, nae phones.
Everything knocked oot.
It doesn't take much for an ordered society to descend into chaos.
Even those that walk the straight and narrow are tempted to behave uncharacteristically under cover of darkness, taking advantage.
Looting.
Stealing.
Mugging.
All aided by the fact that naebody can see what they're up to in the dark.
Gie it a rest! Bloody Bela Lugosi! No, I'm telling you.
You can sneer all you like.
But the best thing you can all do is go back to your hooses, lock your doors and wait it out in safety because that's what I'll be doing.
Right.
CRACKLING ALL: Hooray! Here, Winston.
Away and shut that door in case any "bad people" come in! CHUCKLING Whooo! Where's ma charity bottle? Where's the guy with the hat? See in all the time you've lived in Craiglang, have you ever felt in danger, like life-threatening danger? Naw.
You? Naw.
No' really, naw.
We've lived all our life in Craiglang.
You get to know a place, the areas an' that and people to avoid.
Aye.
Ye get street smart.
Aye.
Shug - "Lock your doors.
"Don't go oot.
" He still thinks he's in the bloody Army.
Y'see, Jack, I think that people are essentially good.
Just because we live in a slum doesnae mean we're scumbags.
Aye, but I can see where he's coming from.
But he's talking aboot hellholes and war situations and lawlessness, y'know? The electricity's off for a couple of days.
It's nae big deal.
It's no' a state of emergency, for God's sake.
We've still got the police.
Hey-ho, Joe.
Ah, Winston.
Did you get me ma loaf? I have, aye.
Good.
Bloody starving.
Have ye no' had anything tae eat? Aye, I've a tin of salmon, but I'd nothing to put it on.
Sorry, Joe.
I didn't know.
D'you want me to make ye a sandwich? Aye.
Could ye? Aye.
Where's yer salmon? Is it in the cupboard? No.
It's in that box.
The one marked "kitchen".
Which box? At the bottom there.
Hrrrngh Aaaah! Shite! This is quite tricky.
Ach! Can we no' just play a game of Monopoly? No.
Have you got Scrabble? I don't like Scrabble.
I hate it.
You must have a deck of cards.
Come on, will ye play the bloody game? Right BUZZING Oh, ya bastard! That's the funny bone.
I knew that would hump you! This is stupid, Jack.
Ye cannae operate in the dark! BUZZING Aah, for f Mebbe you're right.
SCREAM Oh, my God! Jack! Victor! I've been broke intae! Christ, Isa, so you have.
Winston? Winston! Winston! For God's sake! Yes, Joe? I'm in the toilet.
C'mere.
OK, Joe, what do you need? Toilet roll.
It's in one of they boxes, I think.
Right.
Oh, and you couldnae dae us a bowl of cornflakes, could ye? Cornflakes? Aye.
Ach, it doesnae matter.
I've nae milk.
I'll get ye milk.
The stupid thing is I was doonstairs checking Sadie was awright.
Meanwhile, some bugger's up ransackin' ma hoose! I was lucky, but, Peggy.
They never got my handbag.
I had that wi' me.
Well, that's something, at least.
Aye, see, you're vulnerable, hen.
Up there alone.
At least I've a man to protect me.
Haw, where's the crisps and nuts, ya useless bastard? Get yer arse back tae that bar or so help me, I'll set about ye right now in front of Isa! I heard was it was a disengruntled employee who was sacked.
He's loaded himself up with drink and drugs, took the works van, drove all through the city, smashing into cars as he went, polis chasing him, driver screaming his head aff, intae the power station.
Bang.
Darkness.
Eh? Aye, OK.
That's a fish supper.
Breaded, not battered.
Right.
OK.
Ye want salt on the chips but no' on the fish.
Right, OK.
Vinegar, aye.
Right, just on the fish.
Sauce? On both? You want sauce just on the chips? Right, OK, Joe.
Bye.
Uh-huh.
And a pickled onion.
Aye.
Bye! What's that aboot? Jeezo.
He's a hell of a nice guy, Joe, but I've been runnin' aboot daft after him.
I got him his loaf and I plastered the ceiling, then this morning I was oot getting him his milk, put his line on at the bookies.
I finally get for a bit of me time and he wants me to go and get fish and chips.
So that's me on a bus to the High Street cos the chippie here's got nae power.
Aye.
And ye cannae say anything cos he's in the chair.
Aye.
He's a No, you cannot.
That's Wullie Graham's place been tanned.
Eh? Billy Hutchins' an awe.
And Navid's had his windae put in.
He's gutted.
He'd just restocked the place too.
And they've took everything? Everything except the pineappleade.
Aya, a crime wave right enough.
Well, hats off, Shug, you were right.
Aye, I was right.
And so it will continue as long as the leccy's aff.
We're sitting targets here.
What are ye supposed to bloody dae? Be ready.
What's all that, Shug? Protection.
There we go.
Er, take this little baby, for example.
The Tazer.
70,000 volts.
Blammo! End of threat.
That's illegal, that is.
Only if you're caught with it.
Have you no' got something else? Well, if you want to go low-tech, I call this the "smash and stab".
Even the very sight of this is enough to make somebody shite theirselves, eh? A simple sock.
What damage is that gonna dae? Unless it belongs to Pete the Jakey! Bottle o' beer, Boaby.
Jesus, Shug! Is that no' a bit brutal? Brutal times, Victor, brutal times.
You've got to protect yourself, Boaby, eh? Oh, aye.
I'm sorted.
It's these bastards oot there we're wantin' in the jail, no' us.
Oof! That's the boy for me.
Awright.
What about this, eh? Oh, aye.
Whit's that? Acid, noo? No, no.
You've seen it the movies.
The robbers open the case of stolen money.
Wee device goes aff.
Bang! They're covered in ink.
Indelible ink.
That's them caught.
Caught? How? This shite doesnae wash aff, no' for months.
If somebody's trying to turn you over, break into your hoose, you scoosh this on them and that's them got the mark of Kane.
Police see them in the street that's them identified, lifted.
Aye.
That's more like it, Shug.
We don't wanna kill anyone.
There you go.
Quite right.
Two pounds, Tam.
Now, that's what I was gonna say to you, Boaby.
I've no' lifted I've no' lifted ma Two pounds, Tam.
Joe? Joe, it's me, Joe.
Is that you, Winston? Aye? Where are you? Here.
God, what a fright ye gied me! Was that you trying to get in a couple of minutes ago? A couple of minutes ago? No.
There was some bastard trying ma door.
GLASS SHATTERS Aye, ya bastard! Run! And ye'll need to stick that haun up yer arse, cos the next time I see it, ye've had it! There we go.
Victor? Victor! Victor? Where are you? Oh, Jesus! What ye doin'? Sssh.
WHISPERS: There's somebody oot there.
On the landing? Look through the peephole.
It's pitch-black! Hold on a minute.
Shine that over here.
No, doon here! Right, after three, you open the door.
Right.
OnetwoTHREE! Aaaaaah! That's me bloody done helping anybody.
All I was doing was checking his door to make sure it was locked.
Then this! I thought when an old biddy got a blue rinse, it was just for the hair.
Very funny(!) Och, it's no' so bad.
You look like, er Christ, who is it? DOOR OPENS Och, you know.
Ya pair of halfwits! We were on edge, Isa! Aye.
Your place had just been done! Aye, it could have been anybody at the door.
Aye, but it wasnae anybody.
It was me! I have scrubbed and scrubbed at it! I don't know how long I'm gonnae be like this.
Four or five weeks.
Well, that's marvellous(!) Braveheart! You look like Mel Gibson! "They can take our lives, but they'll never take ma handbag!" There ye go, love.
That's impregnable.
Naebody's comin' through that door without your say-so.
And that's a freebie for the inky face? Aye.
Right, well, thanks, Shug.
Sssh! What's that? I didnae hear anything.
Shhh! FOOTSTEPS Who's this gonnae be? It's no' gonnae be the postie at this time of night, is it? It could just be somebody goin' up to their flat.
I mean, the lift's aff.
They've stopped.
Do you want me to go and get that inky thing? No, no.
No' this time.
Right.
Put oot the torches.
ELECTRIC SURGE Ohhhhh! Stand back! Oh, shite! Andy! Andy! You awright? What happened? One of these old guys Tazered you.
What are you doing with a bloody Tazer? We've got to protect ourselves.
Not with a Tazer ye don't! They're illegal, as well you know.
You'll have to be charged with this.
Youse - in the hoose.
Right, youse, follow me.
Where do you live? I'm in there, son.
Oh! They've got them on again.
Right, away in the hoose and get yourself a cup of tea.
I'll need to interview you in a minute.
In you go.
Hello? Hello? Is that Craiglang police station? It's Jack, Victor and Shug! Shug's no frae this address, he doesn't live here.
The police are here, except they're no' polis! One of them's got a blue hand cos Shug gave Jack, Victor and Winston a turkey baster full of ink.
That's why I've got a blue face.
What was that bit? You've got a blue FACE? How did you get a blue face? You know what? Never mind.
Phone us back when ye've dried oot.
What was that, John? Junkie.
Blue face! Oh Oh, come on.
Come on, pick up.
Oh, pick up! So will I be getting charged? Course you're no' getting charged, ya dozy old bastard.
That is good of you, considering what happened to you, son.
You must have got a hell of a scare.
Jack, look at his hand.
Oh, my God.
Now, that is a criminal offence, impersonating a police officer.
I think they're past that stage.
Who lives in the hoose across the landing? I do.
Keys.
Sit doon.
Sit doon! Wallets and watches.
There y'are.
Ta.
Ta.
Magic! Now, you - wedding ring.
Eh? Oh, that's stuck there.
I've never had it off.
It'll no' It'll no' Oh, there it is there.
Ta.
C'mon! let's get out of here! Aye.
Get lost, ya couple of lousy bastards! The minute you're away, we're gonnae phone the REAL bloody polis.
That was the right thing to say(!) C'mon, what ye daein'? I'm lockin' these old duffers in! Oh, it's the boys in blue.
Ye goin' doon? In ye come.
Thanks.
That's good the electricity's back on, eh? Er, aye.
Ye must've been right busy the last few nights with the power being off.
Aye.
Busy.
Aye, youse do a grand job, youse boys.
Cos you really get the fear when you get to my age.
Stuck in this chair.
In the hoose alone, vulnerable.
I mean, well, anybody could come to the door.
You never know when you're gonnae get smacked over the heid.
Cos then ye'd be snookered.
Aye, ex-employee.
Sets about the gaffer.
The gaffer loses an eye.
Then the boy steals an 18-wheel articulated lorry and fires right into the town with it.
And he mows down three pensioners standing outside the Viking Bar having a smoke.
We knew two of them.
Then he takes the artic into the park, where he stops momentarily to hit up with junk.
By the time he arrives at the substation, he's got eight cop cars and a helicopter in tow.
He leaps oot the lorry with a gun and starts picking off ex-colleagues.
Blam! Blam! Blam! Seven of them bought it.
That's a wee bit of exaggeration.
It was only actually six.
Aye, six.
Well, unbelievable, eh? Aye, unbelievable.
Right.
Good.
Everyone, to Winston, for saving our necks.
Aye, Winston.
Hold on.
If Isa hadn't've phoned me, I wouldnae have known what was going on.
Oh, right, OK, well Well, to Isa.
Oh, hold on.
Have you not got a drink, love? No.
Boaby.
Get us a Blue Nun, will ye?