The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air s06e03 Episode Script

There.
Finally, this family's gonna start eating healthy.
What do you think? I think it's too good to be wasted on the hired help.
- Hey, hey.
Good morning, Aunt Viv.
- Oh, my.
Look who's dressed up for his first day at work.
You look nice.
Come on.
Don't sweat me, Aunt Viv.
Don't sweat me.
Don't sweat me.
Give them back.
Hey, Carlton.
Look.
I don't know what you talking about, man.
All right? Carlton, what are? Carlton! Carlton, what are you doing, man? Carlton! What is going on here? I got my job interview in a half hour at the bank and Will's wearing my argyles.
WILL: Carlton, get off.
Get off, man.
You want your stupid socks back you can have them.
Probably ain't gonna help my foot fungus anyway.
Keep them.
- Morning, Ashley.
- Good morning.
Has anyone seen my black leotard? That ain't funny.
Philip, you think you'll be home late? Probably.
Jury selection's taking a lot longer than we thought.
Could even spill over into tomorrow.
Tomorrow? Daddy, tomorrow's Career Day.
You're still gonna speak, right? - Don't worry, Ashley.
I'll be there.
- Oh, okay.
Wait, wait.
Hold up.
Hold up.
Hold up, Ashley.
Y'all having a Career Day? I mean, why you ain't asked me? I'm sure all the kids at school wanna know what an assistant talent coordinator does.
Well, what do they do? What do they do? [SCOFFS.]
I'm gonna get back to you on that, Ash.
- Breakfast is served.
PHIL: Oh, good.
Good.
I think I'll pick up something down at the courthouse.
- I'm sick.
- Me too.
- I'm sick.
I'm sick.
ASHLEY: I'll get something at school, Mom.
[SINGING "THE FRESH PRINCE OF BEL-AIR" THEME.]
WERNER: Hilary, how you doing? Oh, how does it look like I'm doing? My throat is sore.
My eyes are dry.
Every bone in my body aches.
And my nose is so clogged up I can't even smell my Obsession.
Great.
You'll be ready to meet Mr.
Stimple tomorrow.
- Mr.
Dipple? - No, no.
Not Dipple.
Stimple.
That's what I said.
Dipple.
Right.
The guy we're trying to get to sponsor our show.
But I can't do it tomorrow.
I'm almost dead.
Well, if you don't do it tomorrow the show will be dead.
Hey, excuse me, man.
I was wondering if you If you If you could Excu Excuse Excuse me, sweetheart.
Could Could Could you? Catch up with you at the commissary, baby.
All right? Hey, hey.
Werner, what's up? Hey, how you doing? Listen, I just wanna say how great it is to be here and I wanted you to know that l I'm ready for anything.
Whoa, you are a tiger.
I like that.
Rawr.
Great.
Ha, ha, ha.
Well, let's see.
Anything.
Anything.
We do have something important going on.
- We have a potential sponsor coming.
- Oh, great.
- Everything must be perfect.
- Perfect.
I'm your man.
- We really want to impress this guy.
- Impress him.
I am with you.
What you need me to do? Take him out to dinner? Show him the town? Anything.
Actually, I need you to move those boxes.
Boxes.
- Boxes? - To the Xerox room.
Boxes.
[GRUNTS THEN LAUGHS.]
Hey.
But listen, you know, after I do that I think I'll be really ready for some serious responsibility.
Don't worry.
Soon you'll have more responsibility than you can handle.
All right.
Who ordered a Chinese chicken salad? How's the jury selection going? Oh, it's exhausting.
We're still four jurors short and I don't know if This isn't gonna keep you from coming to school? Well, if we don't find them, we'll just go with whatever we have.
Geoffrey, make me a sandwich.
- May I remind you, sir - No, you may not.
Just make me a sandwich.
As you wish, sir.
I don't mean to brag, but you're looking at the next junior executive at the California International Bank.
Well, they hired you on the spot, huh, son? Well, they haven't actually hired me yet, but their body language was pretty clear.
Body language? Sure.
They gave me the wink and the gun.
You know.
[CLUCKING TONGUE.]
When they give you the wink and the gun that means: "Hey, you're our man.
" [CLUCKING TONGUE.]
- Hey, hey.
What's up, guys? PHIL: Hey, Will.
How did your first day go? Oh, it was great, Uncle Phil.
Listen, after I got finished changing light bulbs and moving boxes they gave me something important to do.
I moved a big box.
Well, that's the problem with menial jobs, Will.
You're at the mercy of someone else's whims.
Now, if you'd have taken a more executive corporate-like endeavor such as myself then you'd be your own man.
Not sitting around like some puppet waiting to be beckoned.
[PHONE RINGING.]
That's them.
That's them.
Hello? No.
She's not here right now.
She'll call you tomorrow.
Ashley, call Felicia tomorrow.
What did you do that for? I need to keep the line clear.
- I'm calling her upstairs.
- Oh, no, you're not.
ASHLEY: Yes, I am.
CARLTON: Oh, no, you're not.
ASHLEY: Who put you in charge? I did.
I am Carlton.
You are not - I'll talk to you later on, Uncle Phil.
- You know, Will my first job was in a law clerk's office.
It was the summer of my freshman year in college and I thought I was [CHUCKLES.]
all that.
Anyway, I spent most of my days making coffee and copying legal documents.
And that was before Xerox machines.
Dag.
Who was your boss? Mr.
Slate? [LAUGHING.]
He was on The Flintstones.
Go ahead, uncle.
Well, the point is one day I decided to take some initiative and make myself more important to them.
You know, it worked.
- Hm.
Initiative, huh? PHIL: Yeah.
Your sandwich, sir.
Thank you, Geoffrey.
What is this? Tofu and rice cakes.
I tried to warn you.
Mrs.
Banks has run amuck.
Geoffrey.
Geoffrey.
Now, if you'll go to my office and look in my desk Gone, sir.
- My pimento loaf? - I'm afraid so, sir.
- But I still have some bologna in the - She got that too, sir.
Man, Aunt Viv got skills.
Hey, look, Uncle Phil, what do you say we slide down to Mickey D's before she clean them out too.
- Initiative.
- Yes, sir.
Yes.
So do you think that you could render an impartial verdict in accordance with the law? Oh, I know I can.
I must.
I've been ordered to.
Ordered? By whom? Alex Trebek.
I'd like to thank our guest, Mitchell Conklin for sharing his heartbreaking story of a life with no friends.
Well, Mr.
Mitchell Conklin I'm your friend.
Come back tomorrow for more of me.
Hilary.
And we're out.
- I'd just like to thank you for - Not now.
Great show.
[HILARY SNEEZES.]
Ew! Could somebody please get me a Kleenex? Oh, look at me.
I'm getting all puffy.
- Werner, what am I gonna do? - Well, I It's done, Hil.
I just I just went and I got her some medicine.
You know, I took a little initiative.
Initiative.
I like that.
You know, thinking ahead will get you ahead.
Little story.
When I started Hello? Aren't I the patient? Shouldn't I be getting all the attention? Will, why don't you go help Hilary relax? Oh, yes, sir.
Oh, hey, I just wanted tell you.
I'm really starting to feel like part of the team around here.
Heh, heh.
Don't ever touch me.
Just gotta learn the rules, man.
Just gotta learn the rules.
Mr.
Jackson, why do you think you'd make a good juror? Because I could always tell if someone was guilty just by looking at them.
Sir, even I can't tell by looking.
And they let you be a judge.
My brain is all clouded.
My head's all fogged up.
And I can't think straight.
And now you've got a cold on top of it.
Will, just fix it.
Here you go, Catwoman.
[SNEEZES.]
See? You getting better already.
- Soy meatloaf, madam? - Yes, Geoffrey.
I am through serving that fat-filled cholesterol-ridden mess.
Say what you will, but he is a good provider.
I knew that's why they didn't call.
Geoffrey, I told you no calls.
- Master Carlton, I was just - Damn you and your excuses.
Sit down and relax.
You're right.
Geoffrey, I'm sorry.
[PHONE RINGING.]
Touch that and you'll be on the first thing smoking back to London.
[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
Carlton Banks' office.
Please hold.
[IN NORMAL VOICE.]
Carlton Banks here.
Oh, hi, Dad.
I thought it was someone important.
But I can't.
I'm waiting on a phone Fine.
- Is everything okay? - Dad's still interviewing jurors.
I've gotta go to Ashley's school and tell her he can't make it.
Look, if anyone calls just give them my cell phone number.
Thanks.
Keep the lines clear.
Certainly, Master Carlton.
Whoops.
Hey.
Yo, Hil, Mr.
Stimple's here to [IN SLURRED VOICE.]
Well, what do you know? It's Uncle Cousin Will.
[HILARY LAUGHS.]
Oh, I feel much better.
That was some good tea.
I love you.
Hil, Hil, Hil.
Hey, come here.
Come here.
Come here.
Wait right here.
[SCREAMS.]
"Use only before bedtime.
Do not operate heavy machinery.
" Good thing we're not on a tractor, huh? Ha-ha-ha.
[SCREAMS.]
[SCREAMS.]
[SCREAMS.]
[LAUGHING.]
Hilary.
Come here.
Come here.
[CHOKING.]
You gotta get yourself together for your sponsor.
Oh, Mr.
Pimple? Bring him in.
No.
It's Mr.
Stimple.
Bring him in too.
The more the merrier.
But we're gonna need some more tea.
No.
Ah, ah, ah.
I think you missed the last call.
Come on, walk it off.
Walk it off.
[SINGING.]
I'm a little teapot Hilary.
Now breathe, breathe.
[HILARY PANTING.]
You are not trying here, young lady.
[CRYING.]
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Come on.
Walk it off.
Oh, Will.
You're tickling me.
Stop.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Werner is wondering what's taking so long.
Candace, hi.
Have you met my cousin, Will? Isn't he cute? Uh, uh - She had too much medicine.
- Ha, ha, yeah, right.
Wait.
Hey.
Hey.
Wait.
Wait a minute.
Now listen, you go down there and you stall Werner and Mr.
Stimple.
- All right? I'm gonna take care of Hilary.
- Okay.
But wait a minute - Hilary.
- Hilary go night-night.
I can't believe this is happening.
Dad promised.
Buck up, Ashley.
Life is filled with disappointments.
I am the only person who doesn't have a speaker.
I'm gonna look like an idiot.
Once again, Carlton Banks to the rescue.
When do I go on? No.
No.
Carlton, it's Career Day.
You don't even have a job.
If you don't want the next junior executive at the California International Bank Okay.
Okay.
Fine.
I'll go tell them to introduce you.
[CELL PHONE RINGS.]
[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
Carlton Banks' office.
Please hold.
[IN NORMAL VOICE.]
Carlton Banks here.
Oh, yes.
The job, of course.
Uh-huh.
Yes.
Huh? But I don't understand.
You can't give a guy the wink and the gun and then not give him a job.
Buck up? Buck off.
Our next speaker is Ashley's brother, Mr.
Carlton Banks.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING.]
And here is where we hide our star.
Hey.
[IN NEW YORK ACCENT.]
How you doing? You must be Mr.
Stimple.
How you doing? I'm Hilary's hair designer, Diante.
Pleasure.
Oh, why didn't you tell me he had such lustrous hairs? Oh, excuse me.
I'm doing girlfriend's hair.
She is so excited to meet you.
Just later.
Well, I'd kind of like to meet her now.
Uh, Hilary, I've never seen the program.
Do you stand and interview a guest, or do you run all around like Donahue? Oh, listen.
Hilary can do it all.
You know, she can stand.
She can run.
You know, she's like Ricki Lake and Oprah and Donahue all wrapped up in one.
Around here we call her, Ricki-Oprah-hue.
Very clever word play, but I'd like to hear what Hilary has to say.
Oh, see, she like real shy.
You know, she can't really verbalize with you till she gets to know you.
You know what I mean? Of course.
Where's my head? Fred Stimple.
Stimple Rubber.
Pleasure.
Oh, no, you don't.
Honey, it took me an hour to do them nails.
You a Leo, ain't you? And in conclusion, if you follow these steps as I have outlined then I guarantee you'll be successful.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING.]
Thank you.
You still haven't told us what you do.
Well, I was previously in expeditious comestible management.
And currently, I'm overseeing a myriad of options.
Do you even have a job? Well, strictly speaking, l He's a bum just like my Uncle Eddie.
[STUDENTS LAUGHING.]
Excuse me, sir.
Are you really a bum? Back off, sister.
- You got an attitude problem.
- Damn right I've got attitude.
Just wait till you grow up.
You'll see how tough it is.
There are sharks out there and you're all little guppies waiting to be devoured.
Sure, you can lie back in your protective little womb called high school and pretend the world is your oyster.
But one day it's gonna turn on you like the rotting milk in your stinking lunchboxes.
Thank you.
You know, with a touch of henna and a kiss of ash blond you're gonna need yourself a beeper, girl.
Diante, you're a very unusual man, but I grow tired.
- [IN NORMAL VOICE.]
Who are you? - Aah! Who am I? I'm Mr.
Stimple.
Stimple Rubber.
Oh, my God.
Mr.
Stimple.
Will.
Will? I thought you were Diante? Diante? There's a good explanation for all of this.
Save it.
This has been, uh, different.
Excuse me, Mr.
Stimple.
Um, I'm sorry.
[IN NORMAL VOICE.]
Mr.
Stimple.
Look, my name is not Diante.
My name is Will.
I'm Hilary's cousin.
Now look, this is all quite simple, Mr.
Stimple.
I'm sorry.
Listen.
Look, my uncle told me I should take some initiative.
I got nighttime-so-you-could-sleep instead of daytime-so-you-could-think medicine.
Man, how is she supposed to drive a tractor? So I said, "Aah!" And, you know, she said, "Aah!" You know what I'm saying? - You're Hilary's cousin? - Exactly.
This is the worst day of my life, Mr.
Stimple.
I'm so sorry.
No need to apologize.
I know all about nepotism.
I got a factory full of idiot nephews and worthless brother-in-laws.
With only one moronic cousin running around you're way ahead of the game.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
[WILL LAUGHING.]
He said, "Moronic cousin.
" Ha, ha.
Hey.
Hold up, man.
Fine.
I understand your having to work.
I even understand you missing Career Day.
What I don't understand is how you could possibly send Carlton.
I mean, you could've sent Mom.
You could've sent Geoffrey.
You could've even sent the pool guy.
He answered the phone? I understand you taking initiative.
I even understand the tea.
But what I don't understand is how this happened? Uh, see, well, you bobbed when you should've weaved.
PHIL & WILL: Sorry.
Dinner is served.
- I'm sick.
I'm sick.
PHIL: Hold on.
Hold on.
Hold on! Now, we have to do this.
Oh, sure.
Now our responsibilities kick in.
VIVIAN: Look at you.
I can't believe you're acting like this.
All I'm trying to do is look out for everybody here.
Honey, don't you wanna live longer? Don't you wanna feel better? Last one to Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles ain't eating.
I understand there were other applicants.
I even understand I was too young for the job.
But what I don't understand is they gave me the wink and the gun.
They gave me the wink and the gun.
Buck up, pal.