The Goldbergs s06e03 Episode Script
RAD!
1 Back in the '80s, a crazy new fad known as karaoke swept the nation.
My sister Erica was about to discover its wonders.
Geoff, stop rearranging my nail polish.
- But you're gonna love my new system.
- Forget that.
They just opened a karaoke place in Jenkintown.
- Kara-what? - Oke.
It's the ancient Japanese art of singing other people's pop songs.
- Well, what if you don't know the words? - You don't have to.
They give them to you on a video monitor over vaguely scenic images of Asian models - frolicking in the ocean.
- But what if you can't sing - and have crippling stage fright? - Well, that doesn't apply to me, therefore it's a dumb question, so let's go.
Well, you said nothing to make me feel better, but I sense your enthusiasm, so let's do this.
Baa-baa bamba Baa-baa bamba Baa-baa bamba - Nope, can't do it.
- La, la bamba [Thuds.]
Baa-baa-ba la bamba Maybe she loved karaoke a little too much.
Hey, guys.
I'm glad you're having fun, but there's a bachelorette party over there that is hoping to get a chance to sing.
- Wait, do you work here? - Work and own.
- Name's Gary.
- Wait.
You're the Gary Oke? [Laughs.]
No, actually, it's Gary Globberman.
Well, it's so awesome to be singing onstage, and all I got to do is figure out a way to get paid for it.
Well, actually, I am looking to hire a few people.
Wait, you'll pay me to sing here onstage until I get discovered by the A and R scouts who will give me a record deal and then I'll go solo and leave my less-talented band mates in the dust? This is all happening so fast! You're gonna be so famous! Sure.
But let's talk turkey, Gar.
So, how soon do I start my journey to super-stardom? Love your big dreams.
Feel free to park them in your locker before you start your shift as a waitress or a hostess.
Wait, I get a locker? Yes! And everyone who works here gets a chance to get onstage - and hone their craft.
- That's awesome.
Or should I say That's awesome Wait, I'm not ready to share you with the world.
Oh, God, I'm getting woozy again.
Oh.
[Thuds.]
Is he okay? Guess who got a job.
Oh.
We're hugging just like that? You don't even want to know what it is? You said all I need to know: job.
I'm working at Gary-Oke's.
It's a karaoke bar where people sing I don't care.
Oh, do I hear hugging? Erica got a job.
- Ooh, where? - Teriyaki's.
- Gary-Oke's.
- [Gasps.]
Yeah.
It's one of those places where they chop up shrimp and throw it, but it doesn't matter 'cause you're gonna be making money.
Hoo-hoo! It's just a karaoke place where people sing.
- It's no big deal.
- Oh, it's the biggest deal.
And you know Mama Bear's gonna be right there in the front row cheering you on.
Or you stay as far away as possible.
Or we get onstage together and sing a Streisand duet guaranteed to wow the crowd.
Or you stay home with your lame mom music, and I go onstage solo and sing an actual crowd-pleaser - like "Jessie's Girl.
" - Or You know I wish that I hugged Bevy's girl Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah How do you know that song? Where can I find a schmoopie like that? Give it to me.
Give me the carrot.
- Okay.
- Give it to me.
- I'm gonna - Honey, let go of the car No.
Honey, I need that for soup.
I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless, I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day It was October 10th, 1980-something, the day Pops was about to learn about the raddest movie of my generation.
What you watching, kiddos? This is "Rad," the story of an awesome BMX biker named Cru Jones who enters a corrupt promoter's nationally televised cash-prize race.
This movie has it all: rad BMX bikers on rad BMX bikes doing rad BMX biking.
It's why they called it "Rad.
" They literally had no choice.
Wow! That's fantastic.
I need a copy of this right away.
- I'm on it.
- Go, kiddo.
Okay, he ran off 'cause I acted insanely excited.
- We got to talk.
- If you're here to tell us we're impulsive idiots and too young to get married on a mere whim, - then take a number.
- No.
In honor of your engagement, I'm giving you a nice little nest egg.
Your grandfather is giving us actual money? - Boom! - We're rich.
Is this money from the olden times, 'cause I have no idea what I'm looking at.
That's a savings bond.
And with interest, one day, it'll be worth 2,000 big ones.
What if our interest is in getting money right now at this moment? You can't.
Right now, it's only worth 500 bucks.
- Boom! - We're rich.
No! This is your future here.
- Be responsible.
- He's right, Bar.
This is our chance to prove to everyone we're not immature, impulsive idiots.
Yeah.
We'll use it wisely.
Boom! I'll take this rad BMX bike from the movie "Rad," please.
While my brother was wasting his nest egg, my sister was trying to hatch a career.
[Shutter clicks.]
God! Just capturing my schmoopie's first day on the job.
Wait.
What are you wearing? What do you me Oh, this? Oh, it's just an old sweater I had laying around.
I bought it at the store.
I didn't stay up all night making it.
Stop doing what you're doing.
You are not to show up at my work and embarrass me with your mommish lame-osity like you always do.
Okay, name one time I've ever embarrassed you.
Um I said one.
But, okay, I get it.
I'll stay away.
Promise? Like, for real promise? Booper, you've made it very clear what a big opportunity this is.
I promise.
- Hey, hey.
- Damn it, Frentas.
I told you to hide under the station wagon.
- It's filthy.
There's a can.
- Wait, you wanted to bring your - lame-ass friends, too? - Okay, fine.
We were just gonna pop in and sing a few dozen songs.
- No big whoop.
- Mom, this dynamic where you always barge in my life and embarrass the crap out of me has to stop.
I'm an adult now, and it's time you treat me like one.
You're right.
As hard as it is to imagine, you're not my little squish anymore.
I need to start respecting your boundaries.
You don't do that for us, Beverly.
Shut your [bleep.]
mouth hole, Ginzy.
We've moved beyond mother and daughter and are now gal pals.
That's not a thing, but it sounds like you may actually be on board.
I really am, gal pal.
Okay, stop saying "gal pal," but whatever.
As long as you stay away.
Yay! Gal pals! Okay, that's too tight.
Jessie's girl I want, I want Jessie's girl Ohh! Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Uh, fun side note I actually have a friend named Jessie, and I do indeed dangerously pine for his girlfriend.
[Chuckles.]
She will be mine one day.
- One day, she will be mine - Okay.
Okay.
Okay, okay.
- Alarming stuff.
- Thank you.
Uh, that was last call, folks.
Thank you for coming out.
[Chuckles.]
Wait, you're saying the night's actually over? Yeah, we take our cue from Applebee's, and they close at 1:00.
No I mean, my mom didn't show up, not even in a moustache and a vest disguising herself as a busboy.
- Wait.
What? - It's a whole thing.
The point is, she didn't show up with all of her friends.
She listened to me and stayed away.
Kind of hoping that my employees might actually encourage people to come.
Uh, trust me, my mom is not people.
Okay, we need to put butts in these seats.
Even if the butts are in ill-fitting mom jeans? Okay, I'll tell you what.
For every customer you bring in, you get to sing an extra song, okay? I get it, Gar.
You want mom butts, you will have them as far as the eye can see.
I noticed you're still chatting.
Maybe I can do an encore? - No.
- Got you.
As Erica's new job had already hit a low, Barry was riding high.
- Rad! - Barry, please tell me you didn't just buy an expensive Rad Mongoose bike with our nest egg.
Actually, it was very expensive.
We agreed to be smart with our finances.
See, this is why no one really thinks we can do this.
But we can.
Now that I'm rad, I'll be generating crazy income by dominating Helltrack BMX races just like in the movie "Rad.
" Oh, my God.
How can you be so selfish? [Notes play.]
What was that? I farted into the couch.
Dude, you got a keytar? [Sighs.]
Everyone's right.
We really are just impulsive, immature idiots.
Don't say that.
We can fix this.
I guess we could return our stuff and get our nest egg back.
- Unless - Unless what? Let's do that.
Agreed.
Pops, my old friend.
We'd like one additional nest egg, please.
What? The nest egg is gone already? It's been four hours.
It's kind of a funny story, really.
It's hard not to buy stuff when you really want to buy stuff.
That's not funny or a story.
So that's a yes on giving us a second, bigger nest egg? That's a no! Stop bilking the generous old man.
Why can't everyone just throw money at our problems? Yeah, he's right.
Do that.
No, if you two want to be adults, you're gonna have to learn how not to spend.
Look at me.
I haven't spent in the past 20 years.
Those are the only pants I've ever seen you wear.
Just got the one.
Don't even fit right.
So you saved money on pants.
Your wife is a shopaholic.
All Mom ever does is spend money on hair spray and bags of shredded cheese.
Exactly.
In every marriage, you've got a spender and a saver.
That way, it all evens out.
Well, I love Lainey more than anything, so I'll take the bullet.
Baby, I'm gonna be the penny-pinching cheapskate just like my garbage bag of a father.
No.
Barry, he's the worst.
He truly is, and I will lower myself to his hideous, carbuncled depths for our love.
It just fills my heart that you'd sink so unbelievably low for me.
It's literally impossible to sink any lower.
I love you.
I am super angry, but, also, I've never been more proud.
As Barry was making our dad's dreams come true, Erica was ready to give our mom her greatest fantasy.
Hey, look who it is.
My favorite gal pal.
You just said it.
Say it again.
Say "gal pal.
" No, but I did want to thank you for actually showing me respect and giving me the space I needed.
Well, who knew treating you like an adult would feel so good? Mark my words: I will never butt into your life ever again.
Wow, those truly are words I've always dreamt of hearing, which makes this next part especially hard to say, but I need you to come to karaoke and bring all your friends.
- Wha-dah-wha? - I know it's really confusing, but I want you to come to karaoke, and you can stay as long as you want.
Daughter want time? Me-me? Okay, I'm gonna need you to reboot your brain, because there will be a few ground rules here, understood? Ah-kuh-mon-man.
Whatta Wat?! The general idea is you don't embarrass me by being you.
Huh? Huh? Huh? So that means no haranguing my boss or complaining about the service or sending back food or using expired coupons, and for God's sake, no mom dancing.
What's mom dancing? Go on.
Bust a move.
Yeah, that.
None of that.
Also, there will be no mother/daughter duets ever.
Oh, well, tell that to the Judds, but fine.
To clarify, there's no singing at all, because you'll just destroy the vibe with your lame mom songs.
And what are mom songs? Anything by Bette, Babs, The Beach Boys, or Barry Manilow.
No doo-wop, no bebop, no power-pop, and you know what? Just no songs at all.
No singing.
Got it.
All that matters here is I agreed to stay out of your life, but the truth is you want me in it.
I already recognize that this is a huge mistake.
After stupidly spending their nest egg, Barry enrolled in the School of the Thrifty with Professor Dad.
Okay.
Here's a list of everything you need to know to save a buck.
And, as an extra incentive, for every dollar you save in this house, I put it right in your nest egg.
- Yes! I'm gonna be a savings tycoon.
- Okay.
Well, number-one drain on your wallet, air conditioning.
- Really? Since when? - Oh, my God! That's why I'm always screaming about the thermostat.
- You do? - That's all I do! I've honestly never heard you say anything about the thermostat, ever.
You know no one touches that thermostat.
Don't touch the damn thermostat.
Thermostat.
Thermostat.
Thermostat.
You people really don't listen.
- But I'm almost listening now.
- Good.
Because this next one's a biggie: electricity.
No more highfalutin microwave.
But heating up a pizza in the oven takes six more agonizing minutes.
Would you rather have a slow pizza - or money for more pizza? - Hold on.
Are you saying if I save money, I'll have more of it? It seems obvious, but yes.
Okay, next, always save water.
Wait, isn't water free 'cause God makes it? No, dumb-dumb.
A water bill can cost a fortune.
So get used to cold showers, dry-brushing your teeth, and only flushing in emergencies.
How do you know if it's an emergency? Oh, you'll know.
So, just like that, Barry took to being a frugal Murray.
And he was not kidding around.
Hey, I was playing a game! Read a book.
No one was spared.
Hi-yah! No sinks.
Water costs money.
But I'm gotta take a pill.
Choke it down dry, old man.
We're all about savings in this house.
Hey! No one touch the thermostat! It's fall, which means it's basically summer.
Finally, I know what it's like to be a father.
While Barry was becoming my dad, my mom was trying to be a good gal pal.
La, la, la, la, la bamba Ba, la, la, la, la, la bamba Hi, strange newcomers.
I'm Erica, your waitress.
So nice to meet you, Stranger Erica.
Here's an order of wings to keep you busy and a list of songs that you won't be performing.
[Chuckles.]
By chance, would you reconsider your poopy-pants stance on mother/daughter duets? Odd question from someone I just met, but not a chance in hell.
What about the rest of us? Yeah, that's a polite pass, Stranger's friend.
Um, because if you sing, then my mom will sing.
- So true.
- 100%.
But you are free to look at the people who are singing and wish it was you.
Enjoy.
- Well, this sucks.
- No, it's fun.
We're all just here being gal pals, including Erica.
Now, let's just enjoy our chicken wings.
Ooh, which are ice cold and need to be sent back.
No, no, no.
[Chuckles.]
Must resist being embarrassing.
Hello, ladies.
I see you haven't signed up.
Want to make sure we pick a fun one.
Well, we'd love to, but we can't.
Oh, come on.
No judgment here.
Let me put you down for a song.
No, you don't understand.
When we can't sing, we mean we're not allowed.
- Shh! - [Laughing.]
Who told you that? - No one.
- It wasn't our waitress.
- It was your waitress? - No, it's fine.
We'll just sit and eat our cold, poorly sauced wings.
I could take those back.
Bevy, stop him.
We're not allowed.
Hey, Erica.
Seems to be a little misunderstanding here.
With who? With them? I've never even met this blond-haired mom-woman and her mom-looking friends.
Hi, I'm Erica.
Okay, why don't you get them some fresh wings and sign them up for a song, okay? Sounds great, Gar.
I can take it from here.
Good.
Oh, my God.
- You complained about me to my boss? - No, schmoopie, I swear, - I did not mean to do it.
- Save it.
Honestly, in your long history of mortifying me, this leaps to the top of the charts.
My God.
I just can't win with you.
I've been a great gal pal all night, and it still isn't enough.
You want to be a real gal pal? Go home.
[Sighs.]
Freeze, Frentas! We're not going anywhere.
It's time to karaoke.
But Stranger Erica told us not to.
She thinks I embarrass her on purpose? [Scoffs.]
She ain't seen nothin' yet.
- Ooh.
- [Laughs.]
Is it here? Please tell me the electricity bill is here and I'm stinking rich.
Oh, it's here, and you saved like a pro.
[Gasps.]
How much did I make for my nest eggs? $2,000? $3,000? - You saved 6 bucks.
- What?! I've been up everyone's ass for days.
I damaged every - relationship I had to save money.
- I know! Damaging relationships is just the bonus.
You've got a real problem, man.
[Door opens.]
Hello.
Guess who just upgraded to a funky-ass new CASIO keytar with built-in MIDI box.
I don't know what that is, but by chance, was it free or very cheap? No.
It was a completely reckless purchase.
Being the spender in the relationship is super fun.
And being the saver's even better.
So, give it to me.
How much we put away this week? Well, it's a number between seven and a million dollars.
- Is it seven? - It's six.
That's one worse than seven, and you didn't even give it as an option! I know! Living within our means sucks.
Totally.
But isn't there another way? Of course there is.
We keep living extravagantly, and when we do need money, we quickly earn a ton of it.
Aww, Bar.
You've never made more sense.
He's making no sense.
But to them, it made perfect sense.
With Lainey's new keytar and Barry's rad biking skills, they'd be rich in no time.
[Grunts.]
Rad! I'm okay! Don't stop rolling, Ad Rock! This video's gonna get me on the national Rad circuit! You got it, pal.
That's for sure a real thing.
And so, Barry decided to double down on his BMX dreams.
Meanwhile, my mom and the Frentas were living out their karaoke fantasies, but to Erica, it was a nightmare.
It was an embarrassing medley of mom singing and dancing.
They did the Thriller, the Safety Dance, and whatever this was.
They even took stage time away from the regulars.
But then she brought the regulars up.
And the ultimate embarrassing mom move, - pulling Erica's boss onstage.
- Come on, Gary.
Oh, no, no! Holding her in his arms Late, late at night You know I wish that I had Jessie's girl Wish that I had Jessie's girl [Cheers and applause.]
Well, you single-handedly ruined karaoke for me and greater suburban Philadelphia.
That's all I ever do, ruin everything.
You promised to behave and not act anything like you, and I was stupid enough to believe it.
You know, no matter how hard I try, you will always see the worst in me.
How can I treat you with respect when you don't even have a shred for me? What the hell just happened to our best customers? They're not customers.
They're a bunch of yentas led by my mortifying mom, and I mean mortifying.
Although you find your mom embarrassing, you know who doesn't? Everybody else.
The good news is, everything changes when you grow up.
Guess you're not there yet.
Desperate to earn back his nest egg with Lainey, Barry bet on BMX with some cool tricks.
Only problem, he sucked a lot.
Pop-a-wheelie! Foot jam to fakie! Ninja drop! Regular bicycling.
Backflip off the bench! That one was actually not good.
All right, stop.
Just stop.
Look, everyone else is trying to spare your feelings, but let me be the one who says it.
You two are not ready for marriage.
But we're madly in love.
Love? What does love have to do with marriage? Everything? Marriage is about money and responsibility, and you two don't have a shred of it.
This is why no one believes in you two.
You know, it doesn't matter that no one believed in us, 'cause we believed in ourselves.
But thanks for taking that away.
I think I should stop recording.
It stopped being funny.
Thanks for nothing, Dad.
Mur, need I remind you, people had concerns when you and Bevy first got together Mainly me.
Only difference is, I wasn't a total moron.
You had no ambition.
I had to give you a job in my store, remember? Face it.
You were just as young and dumb, but I didn't care, 'cause you loved my daughter, and that's all that matters.
Jessie is a friend, yeah I know he's been a good friend of mine But lately something's changed Hey, can we talk? I'm done talking and hoping and trying to make things better between us.
I'm just done.
And she's watching him with those eyes You're mad.
I get it.
All I do is complain about how lame you are when, really, I'm the lame one.
Please.
You don't really believe that.
No, I really do.
You were able to look at me as something other than your little girl, but I couldn't see you as anything but my mom.
You know, I'm proud to be your mom.
So if this is the way it has to be, I can live with it.
Well, I can't.
Truth is, you have way more to offer than I give you credit for.
That is the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
'Cause she's watching him with those eyes What are gal pals for? And she's loving him with that body, I just know it I love you so, so much, my sweet little gal pal.
That day, my mom finally got the duet she wanted.
You know I wish that I had Jessie's girl I wish that I had Jessie's girl Where can I find a woman like that? As for Barry, he finally realized my dad was just looking out for him and Lainey.
What you doing? Typing a "for sale" ad for a rad bike and keytar.
We're selling them as a set, 'cause it just makes sense.
No.
Don't sell the stupid bike and weird chest piano.
We can't keep 'em.
You said love isn't enough.
I guess I forgot In the beginning, love is all that matters.
Here.
What is this? I opened up a savings account for you.
I already put in the 6 bucks that you earned, and I doubled it.
12 bucks is hardly a nest egg.
You got plenty of time to be a saver like me.
What's important now is to build a life with the girl you love.
As much as my dad loved saving money, he realized you can't put a price on love.
Truth is, the best thing to invest in are the people by your side, 'cause in the end, they're the people who back you up and make sure that you never have to go solo.
La, la, la, la, la bamba La, la, la, la, la bamba [Ding!.]
And she's lovin' him with that body, I just know it And he's holding her in his arms Late, late at night You know I wish that I had - Jessie's girl - Bevy's girl I wish that I had - Jessie's girl - Bevy's girl - Mom.
- I baked her in my belly.
Where can I find a woman like that? It really is a great song.
Where can I find a woman like that? Yeah, it really is.
My sister Erica was about to discover its wonders.
Geoff, stop rearranging my nail polish.
- But you're gonna love my new system.
- Forget that.
They just opened a karaoke place in Jenkintown.
- Kara-what? - Oke.
It's the ancient Japanese art of singing other people's pop songs.
- Well, what if you don't know the words? - You don't have to.
They give them to you on a video monitor over vaguely scenic images of Asian models - frolicking in the ocean.
- But what if you can't sing - and have crippling stage fright? - Well, that doesn't apply to me, therefore it's a dumb question, so let's go.
Well, you said nothing to make me feel better, but I sense your enthusiasm, so let's do this.
Baa-baa bamba Baa-baa bamba Baa-baa bamba - Nope, can't do it.
- La, la bamba [Thuds.]
Baa-baa-ba la bamba Maybe she loved karaoke a little too much.
Hey, guys.
I'm glad you're having fun, but there's a bachelorette party over there that is hoping to get a chance to sing.
- Wait, do you work here? - Work and own.
- Name's Gary.
- Wait.
You're the Gary Oke? [Laughs.]
No, actually, it's Gary Globberman.
Well, it's so awesome to be singing onstage, and all I got to do is figure out a way to get paid for it.
Well, actually, I am looking to hire a few people.
Wait, you'll pay me to sing here onstage until I get discovered by the A and R scouts who will give me a record deal and then I'll go solo and leave my less-talented band mates in the dust? This is all happening so fast! You're gonna be so famous! Sure.
But let's talk turkey, Gar.
So, how soon do I start my journey to super-stardom? Love your big dreams.
Feel free to park them in your locker before you start your shift as a waitress or a hostess.
Wait, I get a locker? Yes! And everyone who works here gets a chance to get onstage - and hone their craft.
- That's awesome.
Or should I say That's awesome Wait, I'm not ready to share you with the world.
Oh, God, I'm getting woozy again.
Oh.
[Thuds.]
Is he okay? Guess who got a job.
Oh.
We're hugging just like that? You don't even want to know what it is? You said all I need to know: job.
I'm working at Gary-Oke's.
It's a karaoke bar where people sing I don't care.
Oh, do I hear hugging? Erica got a job.
- Ooh, where? - Teriyaki's.
- Gary-Oke's.
- [Gasps.]
Yeah.
It's one of those places where they chop up shrimp and throw it, but it doesn't matter 'cause you're gonna be making money.
Hoo-hoo! It's just a karaoke place where people sing.
- It's no big deal.
- Oh, it's the biggest deal.
And you know Mama Bear's gonna be right there in the front row cheering you on.
Or you stay as far away as possible.
Or we get onstage together and sing a Streisand duet guaranteed to wow the crowd.
Or you stay home with your lame mom music, and I go onstage solo and sing an actual crowd-pleaser - like "Jessie's Girl.
" - Or You know I wish that I hugged Bevy's girl Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah How do you know that song? Where can I find a schmoopie like that? Give it to me.
Give me the carrot.
- Okay.
- Give it to me.
- I'm gonna - Honey, let go of the car No.
Honey, I need that for soup.
I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless, I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day It was October 10th, 1980-something, the day Pops was about to learn about the raddest movie of my generation.
What you watching, kiddos? This is "Rad," the story of an awesome BMX biker named Cru Jones who enters a corrupt promoter's nationally televised cash-prize race.
This movie has it all: rad BMX bikers on rad BMX bikes doing rad BMX biking.
It's why they called it "Rad.
" They literally had no choice.
Wow! That's fantastic.
I need a copy of this right away.
- I'm on it.
- Go, kiddo.
Okay, he ran off 'cause I acted insanely excited.
- We got to talk.
- If you're here to tell us we're impulsive idiots and too young to get married on a mere whim, - then take a number.
- No.
In honor of your engagement, I'm giving you a nice little nest egg.
Your grandfather is giving us actual money? - Boom! - We're rich.
Is this money from the olden times, 'cause I have no idea what I'm looking at.
That's a savings bond.
And with interest, one day, it'll be worth 2,000 big ones.
What if our interest is in getting money right now at this moment? You can't.
Right now, it's only worth 500 bucks.
- Boom! - We're rich.
No! This is your future here.
- Be responsible.
- He's right, Bar.
This is our chance to prove to everyone we're not immature, impulsive idiots.
Yeah.
We'll use it wisely.
Boom! I'll take this rad BMX bike from the movie "Rad," please.
While my brother was wasting his nest egg, my sister was trying to hatch a career.
[Shutter clicks.]
God! Just capturing my schmoopie's first day on the job.
Wait.
What are you wearing? What do you me Oh, this? Oh, it's just an old sweater I had laying around.
I bought it at the store.
I didn't stay up all night making it.
Stop doing what you're doing.
You are not to show up at my work and embarrass me with your mommish lame-osity like you always do.
Okay, name one time I've ever embarrassed you.
Um I said one.
But, okay, I get it.
I'll stay away.
Promise? Like, for real promise? Booper, you've made it very clear what a big opportunity this is.
I promise.
- Hey, hey.
- Damn it, Frentas.
I told you to hide under the station wagon.
- It's filthy.
There's a can.
- Wait, you wanted to bring your - lame-ass friends, too? - Okay, fine.
We were just gonna pop in and sing a few dozen songs.
- No big whoop.
- Mom, this dynamic where you always barge in my life and embarrass the crap out of me has to stop.
I'm an adult now, and it's time you treat me like one.
You're right.
As hard as it is to imagine, you're not my little squish anymore.
I need to start respecting your boundaries.
You don't do that for us, Beverly.
Shut your [bleep.]
mouth hole, Ginzy.
We've moved beyond mother and daughter and are now gal pals.
That's not a thing, but it sounds like you may actually be on board.
I really am, gal pal.
Okay, stop saying "gal pal," but whatever.
As long as you stay away.
Yay! Gal pals! Okay, that's too tight.
Jessie's girl I want, I want Jessie's girl Ohh! Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Uh, fun side note I actually have a friend named Jessie, and I do indeed dangerously pine for his girlfriend.
[Chuckles.]
She will be mine one day.
- One day, she will be mine - Okay.
Okay.
Okay, okay.
- Alarming stuff.
- Thank you.
Uh, that was last call, folks.
Thank you for coming out.
[Chuckles.]
Wait, you're saying the night's actually over? Yeah, we take our cue from Applebee's, and they close at 1:00.
No I mean, my mom didn't show up, not even in a moustache and a vest disguising herself as a busboy.
- Wait.
What? - It's a whole thing.
The point is, she didn't show up with all of her friends.
She listened to me and stayed away.
Kind of hoping that my employees might actually encourage people to come.
Uh, trust me, my mom is not people.
Okay, we need to put butts in these seats.
Even if the butts are in ill-fitting mom jeans? Okay, I'll tell you what.
For every customer you bring in, you get to sing an extra song, okay? I get it, Gar.
You want mom butts, you will have them as far as the eye can see.
I noticed you're still chatting.
Maybe I can do an encore? - No.
- Got you.
As Erica's new job had already hit a low, Barry was riding high.
- Rad! - Barry, please tell me you didn't just buy an expensive Rad Mongoose bike with our nest egg.
Actually, it was very expensive.
We agreed to be smart with our finances.
See, this is why no one really thinks we can do this.
But we can.
Now that I'm rad, I'll be generating crazy income by dominating Helltrack BMX races just like in the movie "Rad.
" Oh, my God.
How can you be so selfish? [Notes play.]
What was that? I farted into the couch.
Dude, you got a keytar? [Sighs.]
Everyone's right.
We really are just impulsive, immature idiots.
Don't say that.
We can fix this.
I guess we could return our stuff and get our nest egg back.
- Unless - Unless what? Let's do that.
Agreed.
Pops, my old friend.
We'd like one additional nest egg, please.
What? The nest egg is gone already? It's been four hours.
It's kind of a funny story, really.
It's hard not to buy stuff when you really want to buy stuff.
That's not funny or a story.
So that's a yes on giving us a second, bigger nest egg? That's a no! Stop bilking the generous old man.
Why can't everyone just throw money at our problems? Yeah, he's right.
Do that.
No, if you two want to be adults, you're gonna have to learn how not to spend.
Look at me.
I haven't spent in the past 20 years.
Those are the only pants I've ever seen you wear.
Just got the one.
Don't even fit right.
So you saved money on pants.
Your wife is a shopaholic.
All Mom ever does is spend money on hair spray and bags of shredded cheese.
Exactly.
In every marriage, you've got a spender and a saver.
That way, it all evens out.
Well, I love Lainey more than anything, so I'll take the bullet.
Baby, I'm gonna be the penny-pinching cheapskate just like my garbage bag of a father.
No.
Barry, he's the worst.
He truly is, and I will lower myself to his hideous, carbuncled depths for our love.
It just fills my heart that you'd sink so unbelievably low for me.
It's literally impossible to sink any lower.
I love you.
I am super angry, but, also, I've never been more proud.
As Barry was making our dad's dreams come true, Erica was ready to give our mom her greatest fantasy.
Hey, look who it is.
My favorite gal pal.
You just said it.
Say it again.
Say "gal pal.
" No, but I did want to thank you for actually showing me respect and giving me the space I needed.
Well, who knew treating you like an adult would feel so good? Mark my words: I will never butt into your life ever again.
Wow, those truly are words I've always dreamt of hearing, which makes this next part especially hard to say, but I need you to come to karaoke and bring all your friends.
- Wha-dah-wha? - I know it's really confusing, but I want you to come to karaoke, and you can stay as long as you want.
Daughter want time? Me-me? Okay, I'm gonna need you to reboot your brain, because there will be a few ground rules here, understood? Ah-kuh-mon-man.
Whatta Wat?! The general idea is you don't embarrass me by being you.
Huh? Huh? Huh? So that means no haranguing my boss or complaining about the service or sending back food or using expired coupons, and for God's sake, no mom dancing.
What's mom dancing? Go on.
Bust a move.
Yeah, that.
None of that.
Also, there will be no mother/daughter duets ever.
Oh, well, tell that to the Judds, but fine.
To clarify, there's no singing at all, because you'll just destroy the vibe with your lame mom songs.
And what are mom songs? Anything by Bette, Babs, The Beach Boys, or Barry Manilow.
No doo-wop, no bebop, no power-pop, and you know what? Just no songs at all.
No singing.
Got it.
All that matters here is I agreed to stay out of your life, but the truth is you want me in it.
I already recognize that this is a huge mistake.
After stupidly spending their nest egg, Barry enrolled in the School of the Thrifty with Professor Dad.
Okay.
Here's a list of everything you need to know to save a buck.
And, as an extra incentive, for every dollar you save in this house, I put it right in your nest egg.
- Yes! I'm gonna be a savings tycoon.
- Okay.
Well, number-one drain on your wallet, air conditioning.
- Really? Since when? - Oh, my God! That's why I'm always screaming about the thermostat.
- You do? - That's all I do! I've honestly never heard you say anything about the thermostat, ever.
You know no one touches that thermostat.
Don't touch the damn thermostat.
Thermostat.
Thermostat.
Thermostat.
You people really don't listen.
- But I'm almost listening now.
- Good.
Because this next one's a biggie: electricity.
No more highfalutin microwave.
But heating up a pizza in the oven takes six more agonizing minutes.
Would you rather have a slow pizza - or money for more pizza? - Hold on.
Are you saying if I save money, I'll have more of it? It seems obvious, but yes.
Okay, next, always save water.
Wait, isn't water free 'cause God makes it? No, dumb-dumb.
A water bill can cost a fortune.
So get used to cold showers, dry-brushing your teeth, and only flushing in emergencies.
How do you know if it's an emergency? Oh, you'll know.
So, just like that, Barry took to being a frugal Murray.
And he was not kidding around.
Hey, I was playing a game! Read a book.
No one was spared.
Hi-yah! No sinks.
Water costs money.
But I'm gotta take a pill.
Choke it down dry, old man.
We're all about savings in this house.
Hey! No one touch the thermostat! It's fall, which means it's basically summer.
Finally, I know what it's like to be a father.
While Barry was becoming my dad, my mom was trying to be a good gal pal.
La, la, la, la, la bamba Ba, la, la, la, la, la bamba Hi, strange newcomers.
I'm Erica, your waitress.
So nice to meet you, Stranger Erica.
Here's an order of wings to keep you busy and a list of songs that you won't be performing.
[Chuckles.]
By chance, would you reconsider your poopy-pants stance on mother/daughter duets? Odd question from someone I just met, but not a chance in hell.
What about the rest of us? Yeah, that's a polite pass, Stranger's friend.
Um, because if you sing, then my mom will sing.
- So true.
- 100%.
But you are free to look at the people who are singing and wish it was you.
Enjoy.
- Well, this sucks.
- No, it's fun.
We're all just here being gal pals, including Erica.
Now, let's just enjoy our chicken wings.
Ooh, which are ice cold and need to be sent back.
No, no, no.
[Chuckles.]
Must resist being embarrassing.
Hello, ladies.
I see you haven't signed up.
Want to make sure we pick a fun one.
Well, we'd love to, but we can't.
Oh, come on.
No judgment here.
Let me put you down for a song.
No, you don't understand.
When we can't sing, we mean we're not allowed.
- Shh! - [Laughing.]
Who told you that? - No one.
- It wasn't our waitress.
- It was your waitress? - No, it's fine.
We'll just sit and eat our cold, poorly sauced wings.
I could take those back.
Bevy, stop him.
We're not allowed.
Hey, Erica.
Seems to be a little misunderstanding here.
With who? With them? I've never even met this blond-haired mom-woman and her mom-looking friends.
Hi, I'm Erica.
Okay, why don't you get them some fresh wings and sign them up for a song, okay? Sounds great, Gar.
I can take it from here.
Good.
Oh, my God.
- You complained about me to my boss? - No, schmoopie, I swear, - I did not mean to do it.
- Save it.
Honestly, in your long history of mortifying me, this leaps to the top of the charts.
My God.
I just can't win with you.
I've been a great gal pal all night, and it still isn't enough.
You want to be a real gal pal? Go home.
[Sighs.]
Freeze, Frentas! We're not going anywhere.
It's time to karaoke.
But Stranger Erica told us not to.
She thinks I embarrass her on purpose? [Scoffs.]
She ain't seen nothin' yet.
- Ooh.
- [Laughs.]
Is it here? Please tell me the electricity bill is here and I'm stinking rich.
Oh, it's here, and you saved like a pro.
[Gasps.]
How much did I make for my nest eggs? $2,000? $3,000? - You saved 6 bucks.
- What?! I've been up everyone's ass for days.
I damaged every - relationship I had to save money.
- I know! Damaging relationships is just the bonus.
You've got a real problem, man.
[Door opens.]
Hello.
Guess who just upgraded to a funky-ass new CASIO keytar with built-in MIDI box.
I don't know what that is, but by chance, was it free or very cheap? No.
It was a completely reckless purchase.
Being the spender in the relationship is super fun.
And being the saver's even better.
So, give it to me.
How much we put away this week? Well, it's a number between seven and a million dollars.
- Is it seven? - It's six.
That's one worse than seven, and you didn't even give it as an option! I know! Living within our means sucks.
Totally.
But isn't there another way? Of course there is.
We keep living extravagantly, and when we do need money, we quickly earn a ton of it.
Aww, Bar.
You've never made more sense.
He's making no sense.
But to them, it made perfect sense.
With Lainey's new keytar and Barry's rad biking skills, they'd be rich in no time.
[Grunts.]
Rad! I'm okay! Don't stop rolling, Ad Rock! This video's gonna get me on the national Rad circuit! You got it, pal.
That's for sure a real thing.
And so, Barry decided to double down on his BMX dreams.
Meanwhile, my mom and the Frentas were living out their karaoke fantasies, but to Erica, it was a nightmare.
It was an embarrassing medley of mom singing and dancing.
They did the Thriller, the Safety Dance, and whatever this was.
They even took stage time away from the regulars.
But then she brought the regulars up.
And the ultimate embarrassing mom move, - pulling Erica's boss onstage.
- Come on, Gary.
Oh, no, no! Holding her in his arms Late, late at night You know I wish that I had Jessie's girl Wish that I had Jessie's girl [Cheers and applause.]
Well, you single-handedly ruined karaoke for me and greater suburban Philadelphia.
That's all I ever do, ruin everything.
You promised to behave and not act anything like you, and I was stupid enough to believe it.
You know, no matter how hard I try, you will always see the worst in me.
How can I treat you with respect when you don't even have a shred for me? What the hell just happened to our best customers? They're not customers.
They're a bunch of yentas led by my mortifying mom, and I mean mortifying.
Although you find your mom embarrassing, you know who doesn't? Everybody else.
The good news is, everything changes when you grow up.
Guess you're not there yet.
Desperate to earn back his nest egg with Lainey, Barry bet on BMX with some cool tricks.
Only problem, he sucked a lot.
Pop-a-wheelie! Foot jam to fakie! Ninja drop! Regular bicycling.
Backflip off the bench! That one was actually not good.
All right, stop.
Just stop.
Look, everyone else is trying to spare your feelings, but let me be the one who says it.
You two are not ready for marriage.
But we're madly in love.
Love? What does love have to do with marriage? Everything? Marriage is about money and responsibility, and you two don't have a shred of it.
This is why no one believes in you two.
You know, it doesn't matter that no one believed in us, 'cause we believed in ourselves.
But thanks for taking that away.
I think I should stop recording.
It stopped being funny.
Thanks for nothing, Dad.
Mur, need I remind you, people had concerns when you and Bevy first got together Mainly me.
Only difference is, I wasn't a total moron.
You had no ambition.
I had to give you a job in my store, remember? Face it.
You were just as young and dumb, but I didn't care, 'cause you loved my daughter, and that's all that matters.
Jessie is a friend, yeah I know he's been a good friend of mine But lately something's changed Hey, can we talk? I'm done talking and hoping and trying to make things better between us.
I'm just done.
And she's watching him with those eyes You're mad.
I get it.
All I do is complain about how lame you are when, really, I'm the lame one.
Please.
You don't really believe that.
No, I really do.
You were able to look at me as something other than your little girl, but I couldn't see you as anything but my mom.
You know, I'm proud to be your mom.
So if this is the way it has to be, I can live with it.
Well, I can't.
Truth is, you have way more to offer than I give you credit for.
That is the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
'Cause she's watching him with those eyes What are gal pals for? And she's loving him with that body, I just know it I love you so, so much, my sweet little gal pal.
That day, my mom finally got the duet she wanted.
You know I wish that I had Jessie's girl I wish that I had Jessie's girl Where can I find a woman like that? As for Barry, he finally realized my dad was just looking out for him and Lainey.
What you doing? Typing a "for sale" ad for a rad bike and keytar.
We're selling them as a set, 'cause it just makes sense.
No.
Don't sell the stupid bike and weird chest piano.
We can't keep 'em.
You said love isn't enough.
I guess I forgot In the beginning, love is all that matters.
Here.
What is this? I opened up a savings account for you.
I already put in the 6 bucks that you earned, and I doubled it.
12 bucks is hardly a nest egg.
You got plenty of time to be a saver like me.
What's important now is to build a life with the girl you love.
As much as my dad loved saving money, he realized you can't put a price on love.
Truth is, the best thing to invest in are the people by your side, 'cause in the end, they're the people who back you up and make sure that you never have to go solo.
La, la, la, la, la bamba La, la, la, la, la bamba [Ding!.]
And she's lovin' him with that body, I just know it And he's holding her in his arms Late, late at night You know I wish that I had - Jessie's girl - Bevy's girl I wish that I had - Jessie's girl - Bevy's girl - Mom.
- I baked her in my belly.
Where can I find a woman like that? It really is a great song.
Where can I find a woman like that? Yeah, it really is.