The Larry Sanders Show (1992) s06e03 Episode Script

And, uh, Before we leave tonight, I do want to make An announcement To those of you Watching at home.
Uh, as you may have heard, My contract is up In 8 weeks, And, uh, i want you To know first That when my contract is up, I will not be coming back.
Audience: aww.
Uh, it's really Time to move on.
I appreciate You being there for me Night after night, And i will see you, uh, Tomorrow night.
No flipping.
[Audience cheers.]
[Knock on door.]
Hank? What-- Oh, god.
Go away.
This again? Hank, i'm taking This tape away from you.
No, no.
Yes, hank.
This is ridiculous.
What is that? This? This isMmm.
Banana liqueur.
I needed a drink A couple of hours ago.
This was the only thing I could find.
My breath smells Like a monkey's asshole.
Give it here.
Give it.
Give-- give me that.
Did you spell The whole night here? You know, i did.
You know, brian, This has been My creative home For many years, And i've never Really looked around.
I mean, i've never Looked around closely.
You know, Hey There's a fire Extinguisher there.
Mm-hmm.
It has A simple elegance, And yet It has strength.
Oh, yeah.
That one.
Yep.
That's a real beauty.
I can't believe It's over.
I know.
But, see, I thought when larry Announced his retirement From the show, I would wake up, Because i have That nightmare Almost every night.
Please wake me up.
I can't.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Pinch me.
There we go.
Heh.
Harder.
Hard.
Hard.
Now, let's talk About, uh-- I saw jim-- jim gray At the super bowl.
Gray: yeah.
And, uh, hank, did you Watch the super bowl? Hank, did you-- I say, did you watch The super bowl? It was good.
So do you, um What is that Red thing on the side Of your face? You have a red thing On the side of your face There.
Um, i have an allergy.
So, let me ask you this: Uh, i saw you actually At the super bowl Interviewing john elway At the very end.
Gray: right.
And, uh, You asked him right There in front of Millions of people-- I think the ratings Were even higher For the super bowl Than they were for The 3rd rock episode.
A very special 3rd rock.
Costas: very special.
Larry: and it was A special jay.
It was A special night.
Bob was on jay.
You were on jay? Gray: bob was.
When was that? After the game.
After the super bowl.
Larry: oh, i didn't Know you were on.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Big segment.
Right in between Richard simmons And jenny mccarthy.
What about On camera? Boy, that sounds Great, jake.
I want to go for it.
How many acres? Yeah, well, just So it's got that Spring creek, right? The one where I caught that Costas: tastefully done.
Well, that's the key To everything You guys do In the booth.
Why don't we Take a break? We'll be right back.
No flipping.
Hank, i want To talk to you.
Great, guys.
Terrific.
[Coughs.]
You know, what is The matter with you? You're stepping All over my lines.
This is supposed to be My segment.
Notice where We're sitting.
And you're, like, Rambling like a madman.
You know, bob, it's always About you, isn't it? No.
Actually, you missed The point entirely.
No.
No, it's not.
We're doing another segment, Aren't we, larry? Mmm? We're doing Another segment, right? 'Cause i have a great Marvin barnes story I haven't gotten in yet.
Yeah, i got that.
Gray: oh, That's a new story.
Everyone knows You're the reason We lost football.
We still got 6 weeks To go, hank.
And, despite What you think, We're not paying you To sit on that couch In a stupor.
We're trying to finish The show strong for larry, But you're Letting him down.
Well, he let me down, So i guess we're even.
Why, you arrogant Asshole.
If you want to sit there And stare like a moron And breathe Though your mouth, You can go sit in Jenny jones' audience.
You shape up.
You hear me? Oh, who cares? In 6 weeks, we're gonna-- Who cares? I care! You think you're Gonna jump off The sinking ship? Is that What you think? Well, i got news For you, rat boy.
You better Climb back on board And towel off, Because we're gonna Finish the show In a blaze of glory.
Well, what if i-- What if i don't feel like it? You don't feel like it? Why, you ungrateful Piece of shit.
I ought to whack you Right now.
Um, i heard that pam Was leaving.
Boy, the grapevine's Hummin'.
Yeah, She is leaving.
Well, then, um, You'll be looking for A new assistant, then? Yeah.
I started To look already.
Oh.
Um, What kinds of things Are you looking for? Someone who can reach The top shelf.
[Laughs.]
Oh, that's Brilliant.
Jesus christ.
The body's Not even dead yet.
You're already Making your move, Aren't ya? Just like When you hit on Michael landon's wife.
He was dead.
That woman Was sitting shivah.
I was consoling her.
You put your tongue In her mouth.
I-- i lost my balance.
I was falling over, And i stuck my tongue out To break my fall.
Why doesn't anybody Understand this? Sit down And sh-- We're back.
We're back With, uh, bob costas And jim gray.
And, uh, bob, i was Just gonna ask ya About marvin barnes.
Do you have Any stories about him? Did you know him? There's too many, But here's one Of my favorites.
Uh, you know Marvin was kind Of a flamboyant, Seventies style Athlete.
The superfly hat And shoes And the way He carried himself.
Floor-length-- Yeah.
Well, like i said, I want to go for it.
Well, just give me A call before you take Any other bids, will ya? I appreciate it.
I'll be in touch.
Thank you.
I want to thank my guests Bob costas and jim gray, And, of course, great to see Neil sedaka back in form, And we'll catch you all Tomorrow night.
Sleep well.
[Applause.]
Director: clear! I thought it was A great one.
Pure comedy gold.
Melt it, mint it, And ship it to fort knox.
Hey, listen.
I'm having lunch Tomorrow with jim gray Over at dan tana's.
Do you want to go? What about costas? Costas? Pussy-whipped.
Flying right back To st.
Louis.
Well, i must decline, Dear boy.
I'll be downing Scotch and steaks With fred de cordova.
Well, good.
Great.
It's nothing, you know.
Fred's an old Drinking compadre of mine.
Yeah.
Oh, we'd like you To join us, But you got plans, right? Yeah.
Going with jim gray, But give him my love.
I'll give him your love.
It's nothing.
My advice is to take Any job you can get.
Well, fred, I'm not exactly being Put out to pasture, you know.
I'm getting plenty of calls.
Like who? Roseanne, for one.
Very talented.
Donny and marie.
Also very talented.
And the illustrious Magic johnson.
Very talented Basketball player.
Bob costas Would be a great boss.
Yeah, but that's only If larry doesn't want me back.
You know, i don't know What he's going to be Doing after the show.
Beverly, it's fine.
Yeah, well, i don't want Anybody thinking I'm going behind Larry's back or anything.
Nobody thinks that.
By the way, i think I got the leno gig.
Really? When did You meet with him? Yesterday, when i Said was gonna go To the doctor.
Mmm.
Hank: morning.
[All.]
hey! You feeling better? I'm feeling Better, yeah.
I went, uh, I went home last night, And, uh, you know, i was On my way to the kitchen For a stiff one-- Your boyfriend was over? Ignoring that.
And i saw myself-- I mean, i saw My face reflected In the, uh, In the cooktop, And i said "Lemons.
" Lemons.
When life Gives you lemons, You make things With lemons.
And then i realized Finally-- finally-- This is An opportunity.
I can go back To my acting career.
Thank you.
Isn't that great? Yeah, that's great.
Hank, i wasn't aware That you ever had An acting career.
Oh, yeah.
Hank used to do, uh, Shows on cruise Ships all the time.
Oh, yeah.
That's right.
I almost forgot.
Little-- little Playlets, really.
Then i did that Production of, um, love letters With ruth buzzi Out in thousand oaks.
Oh, man.
Yeah, there-- There was a pistol.
What a piece of work She was.
She stepped on every one Of my fucking lines.
Oh, i know.
I saw That production.
And you said You enjoyed it, right? Yeah.
That's what i said.
And i did a little Television acting, You know, A zillion years ago.
But, you know, It's a good credit.
What shows Were you on? Well, just one, but, uh, It was an episode Of kung fu.
No, you did not.
Hank: i did.
I played a merchant, And i can, uh, I still remember my line.
Move along, chinaman.
[All laughing.]
Yeah, i know.
Move along, chinaman.
Um, you see, The deal was, He's standing In front of my store.
And i say-- I say my line, And he kicked my ass.
He was a nice guy.
He was one of The carradine brothers.
Man.
That's wild, hank.
I, uh, i hate to be the one To rain on your parade, But doing a play With ruth buzzi And saying, "Move along, chinaman," Do not An acting career make.
So, um, let me Get this straight.
You don't think, uh, You don't think I'll have any luck at this? I don't think so.
Yeah? Well, mr.
Smug, You are wrong, Because i called my agent First thing this morning, And he has already Got me an acting gig.
Well, there's no shame In doing porno.
On a little hit show Called caroline in the city.
Congratulations, hank.
That's great.
Thank you.
Brian: cool.
[Chattering.]
Lea.
Oh, hank.
Hi.
Hank, hi.
Hi.
I'm sorry i'm late.
I was at The craft service table.
Uh, this is fred barron, Out executive producer.
Hi, real pleasure To meet you.
Very nice meeting you.
Oh, same here.
Same here.
And, i think-- Why don't we Just run one now.
Let's do it.
Is that cool? Okay, great.
Welcome.
This is My loft here.
This is the door.
Ok.
Out here? Yes.
All right.
Yeah.
[Laughs.]
Page, Please? Uh, it's page-- I got it.
I got it.
Ok.
[Coughs.]
[Whispering.]
Gotta knock.
Knock.
Uh, could you Knock first? Oh, I got you.
[Knocks on door.]
Hi.
Hey, now.
I'm the plumber.
You called About a leak? Uh, you're not antonio.
What happened to antonio.
He went back to milan To claim His inheritance.
Hey, now.
Oh.
Uh, well, gosh.
He was rich, too? Heh.
So, are you Gonna snake my drain? Hey, now.
We barely Know each other.
Um, uh, You know, I don't think there's Any "hey, nows" in there.
Um, did you say, "hey, now" A couple of times? Yeah, i did.
It's, uh This-- You know, just-- I gotta talk to fred.
This "snake your drain" line Is, uh [Whispering.]
Fred, what is this Fucking stunt casting? He cannot act.
I know.
Don't worry.
Don't worry.
Just tell him Not to say, "hey, now.
" Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Really good.
Oh, thanks.
Uh, just one-- How about this time-- Just one time-- Don't say, "hey, now.
" I'm sorry? It's great.
Just one time without The "hey, now.
" This time.
But it's really good.
Without The "hey, now"? Yeah.
Let's just Give it a shot.
Absolutely.
[Hank coughs.]
[Hank knocks On door.]
Hi.
I think they're Gonna want to hear The "hey, now" When they see me.
I mean, i'm just-- I'm just tellin' ya.
[Coughs.]
Why don't we take five, Everybody.
Well, how can that be? Well, i don't get it.
What, you're telling me There's all this interest, And now there's nothing? But-- no.
Come on.
No.
I'll tell you What the problem is.
It's lea and her little Slave master fred barron.
They're bad-mouthing me.
They're going around, They're telling people I can't act.
What do you mean, How do i know? I know.
Because they Said it to me, ok? And now i have to sit Next to that-- that-- That-- that woman.
On-- on-- on-- on-- On the show tonight.
You gotta find me something.
[Laughs.]
You-- no, no.
Don't say that.
You gotta get me something, Because i'm tellin' ya, man, This is it.
Thi-- What are you doing? Bu-- You fell? You fell down? Jesus, sidney, Will you please get up, And will you help me here? Fuck! Why don't we Come back, And we'll talk about Your earrings When we come back From the commercial Break.
Would you Like to do that? Because that's Our jewelry segment.
We'll be right back After this Commercial break.
[Audience applauds.]
That was good.
Thanks.
Good for you.
It's a good audience.
We just, uh-- We just went A different way.
So What, did you hire A black man? Well, you said You went a different way.
I mean, how many Different ways are there? Do i look fat? No, no, no.
You look great.
I like the suit.
Appreciate it.
Appreciate it.
We were just talking About the fact That you have been Actually hosting wheel of fortune For 15 years.
Is that accurate? And vanna has Been there [Audience applauds.]
It was nothing.
Well, it is If people don't-- It's a popular-- Is it worldwide? It's-- no, It's not our show.
We do-- it's like a franchise.
It's like mcdonald's.
We sell the franchise, And they have Their own local hosts.
Oh, i didn't Know that.
So there are pat and vannas All over the world.
A frightening thought.
I never knew that.
I would love to see-- It's fun.
We've shown some Of the clips on the show.
It's funny to see.
Oh, i wish You'd brought some.
Well, i do, too.
Next time.
I will.
So are you doing Anything new now Besides that? Well, yeah.
We're sort of expanding Our horizons a little bit, And i've started A little production company, Where we develop shows, As you know.
And you-- you try Your best at them, But we have a game show that We're actually real proud of That i think is gonna see The light of day.
So you're getting Behind it, or would you Host this as well? No, i don't think I would host it.
I'm very busy with wheel, But, uh, it's a great show.
We're interviewing hosts.
We're looking for someone To do the show-- [Hank coughs.]
Well, good-- [Hank coughing.]
Hank hosted The, uh, has hosted The chabad telethon.
[Coughs.]
The chabad television show.
Listen, if you need A little help, I would be-- i think I would be an asset, Don't you? [Audience applauds.]
We're open to it.
You know, We're talking To people tomorrow.
Tomorrow afternoon, I could Squeeze you in.
Well, i'd have to Move some things around.
[Laughing.]
By things-- by things, He means crying, by the way.
If you need me, I could do some-- Absolutely.
I think He'd be terrific, Don't you? [Audience applauds.]
Why don't we-- For those of you Who are watching tonight, The unemployment line starts Right to the right of pat.
We'll be right back.
No flipping.
Hey, artie, It's donny osmond calling.
I'm sitting here With my sister marie, And we want you to know That we really want you To produce our show.
[Laughs.]
I'm considering carefully Your tempting offer.
I tell ya, artie, We're gonna have So much more fun Over at our show.
Hold on.
Marie, i'm trying To talk to him.
Just hold on For one second.
So, anyway-- Marie, be quiet.
Shut up, will ya! I'm trying to talk to him.
That's the daytime spirit.
Glad you came.
Here's the podium.
And, uh, now, these two Are gonna act As our contestants.
Jeff Kirshenbaum.
Hi.
And this is debbie.
Hi, debbie.
Hank kingsley.
Now, hank, the thing To keep in mind Is this is a game.
Bob eubanks.
This is a game.
You just have fun.
Ok, great.
Let's get Right into it.
All right.
Ready to go? Mm-hmm.
Any time.
Oh, we're taping this? Absolutely.
Great.
Great.
Ok, are you guys ready? Ok, let's Start the game.
Ok, players, Our first category is The state of liberty.
Uh, hank? Merv? Pat.
And, hank, it's "statue.
" Statue of liberty.
Right.
Right.
Ok, Statue of liberty.
UmName the poem-- This is for $50.
Name the poem By emma lazarus That is engraved on a tablet Within the pedestal On which the statue Of liberty stands.
[Buzz.]
[Buzzes.]
it's a-- We don't have real buzzers.
It's a-- it's [buzzes.]
.
Ok, good.
Ok.
It's our fault.
I got it.
I got it.
Oh, jim.
Jeff.
What? Jeff.
My name's jeff.
You called me jim.
I called-- i'm sorry.
Um, i-- you're right.
Who's this fucking guy? Uh, he's one of the producers Of the show.
Right.
Hey.
Jeff kirshenbaum.
Yeah, you're great.
Thanks.
You're a good man.
You don't let anything Get by.
And the earring is-- Just keep it moving, If you would.
Ok.
UmUm, um, um Ready to go? And here we go.
Uh, you got it, jim? Jeff.
Jeff.
Yeah.
I got it.
Fuck me.
Sorry.
It's All right.
All right.
You got it? Uh, yeah.
It's colossus.
No.
Uh, you're wrong.
Uh, you're very wrong.
The correct title Is the new colossus, So i guess you should Worry a little less About your name And a little more About these, uh-- These questions.
We'll go on To the next question For 100.
This is for 100.
The final rivet Of the statue was driven On october 28, 1886, The same day the statue Was dedicated by This president.
You want To take a guess? No guess from you, jeff? No.
Debbie, you got it? Come on, debbie.
Come on, honey.
You got it? You got anything? Ok.
Well, Not to worry, debbie, With a body like yours, You don't have to be smart.
Well, you know, I really like-- I think we have everything.
I like it.
It's terrific.
We got all we need.
I hope i didn't offend.
So-- so what happened Again? I don't know.
I mean, everything's Going great, And then This debbie woman Goes off on me.
Sexual harassment This, and sexual Harassment that.
That's not a good sign.
No shit.
I-- what is going on In the world today? I mean, i paid A compliment to her On her body.
I mean, Is that a crime? I mean, i'm being kind.
I'm just being generous.
Because, in fact, Her tits aren't That great.
I mean, They're too big For her body.
Nothing.
You have A lot of things, ok? Yeah, you do.
You have, uh, First of all, A huge talent And a fantastic voice And a lot of fans Out there who love you, Hank kingsley.
Yeah.
You got charm And you got personality.
Your future's Out there.
All you have to do Is reach out, Grab on, and hang on For the ride.
I'm this close To hitting you.
Hey, andy.
Hey, hank.
How are ya? It's great to-- Great to have you Here tonight.
Well, thank you.
You ok? Uh, yeah, i'm fine.
It's just, uh, um-- Where the hell Have you been? I built a theater In branson, missouri.
Oh, sure.
That's down near san diego.
No.
Missouri.
Branson.
Well, you must have Heard about it.
I mean, my friends In hollywood Told me i was crazy, You know? They said, "Who has ever heard Of branson, missouri?" Well, somebody Must've heard about it, Because we did Over 6 million tourists Last year.
It's packed every night.
It's packed every night? Packed every show.
Wow.
Who performs there? I do.
You do.
Two shows a day, Packed every day.
That's, uh-- And the money? How's the money? Is it good? The money's Terrific.
I mean, we did a little Over $2 million In the month Of november.
It was packed.
Packed every night.
Fucking dollars? [Laughs.]
Good for you.
Why not? Show time? Hey.
Hey, jefe, That new suit Takes off 10 years.
With the tie, Another 5.
Appreciate it.
That puts me Right in the middle Of my second marriage.
[Both laugh.]
Hey, i just Bought a ranch.
Hey, congratulations.
In a little town.
Good for you.
And i'm producing Roseanne's new show.
Branson, missouri.
Remember that, My friends, Because that's where You're gonna find me.
I'm going to branson.
I'm opening up The hank kingsley Hey now music hall.
Or the hey now opry.
I'm still fucking around With that name.
What about, uh, Big jew jamboree? [All chuckle.]
Pat sajak.
I just got a job Working for pat sajak.
You can come visit us.
Oh, yeah.