The League s06e03 Episode Script

So that dumb jock, Bethesda, was pissed, and Hudabega was rip shit about Geoffrey's little baseball - incident.
- You mean the "little incident" where you gave your only son performance-enhancing drugs? You still have that Sammy Sosa jersey? Yeah.
Yeah, game's more interesting that way.
What can I say? Well, did Hudabega fire you, then? No, I didn't get fired, but I've been banished to Korea.
We represent the company that owns the ferry that allegedly tipped over and killed all those people.
Allegedly? My job is to prove that everybody walked to one side of the ferry to look over the side.
At what? Perhaps the Malaysian plane.
I can't speculate at this point.
Wow.
And the thing tipped over.
- Allegedly.
- You know what you should bring? You should bring this.
You don't want to look like a tourist.
A tiny gong.
Thanks, Taco.
We're gonna really miss you, though, Ruxin.
I think you guys really are gonna miss me.
I know that I am the denture glue that keeps these teeth in the mouth that is this league, and I want you to know I'm gonna stay involved.
I'm gonna be present for everyone, 'cause I know you need it.
Right.
I, for example, will not cease to taunt Andre with the fury of a thousand suns for what - he did.
- I have no words.
Except for two.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
What, are you taking us to prom? No, you are now a part of the Andre apology tour.
I have colluded against you with the great Jay Glazer, and I accept my punishment, so hit me with what you got.
Sure.
Cool.
Okay.
Why do these flowers smell like Polo Sport? Beside the point! I need to know what the punishment is.
Understood.
We'll let you know.
You can't do this to me! You have to punish me.
Punish me! Classic bottom.
All right, if a bullet is coming, I need to know when it's coming.
That makes sense.
Just tell me now.
I understand your concern.
You're a bunch of dicks.
No, sorry, I take that back.
You're not dicks.
I apologize for that.
Put that in the apology to as well.
You can keep the flowers.
I love you all.
All right, good talk, Andre.
Thanks for the flowers, Andre.
Thank you.
So what's the punishment? There is no punishment.
Ghost punishment.
Ah.
The best.
But Ruxin still has to go to Korea.
Yeah, but that's more like a reward for us.
You're gonna want to take this with you, too.
I don't think there's anything like that over there.
Is this secretly filled with pot for me to give to some weirdo in Korea? Nope.
The truth is, I've been here for a long time, performing at a very high level.
I've been here for a long time, and I feel I deserve a raise.
I hear you, I really do.
Good.
Okay.
I want you to hear me when I say absolutely not.
Why would we do that? A raise for me could do a lot to boost morale around this place.
I could be, like, the Rudy for this entire office of sad sack losers.
That's your pitch? Well, that and I got a really nice bottle of Chardonnay.
Ooh.
Oh, I've heard of that, but I haven't tried it.
I think we should crack this bad boy open, celebrate my raise.
Huh.
Well I'll tell you what.
Maybe in a couple weeks-- it's my birthday-- but, uh, no raise.
Give me my Chardonnay back.
Give me my Chard No, no, no, that's not how it's done.
You don't give Chardonnay and then ask for it back.
Hmm-mm.
Fine.
Yeah.
Savage.
Ah, ah, ah! No, no, no, no, no! Off, off, off, off, off! Off! Goddamn it! So my dickhead boss totally Heisman-ed my attempt for a raise.
I swear, I think he's trying to franchise-tag me.
Franchise-tag you? Yeah.
You think you deserve to be paid the average of the top five people at your position? That's a good point.
You want to get paid like Darelle Revis, but you don't have a competing offer.
Yeah, you need that leverage.
You need a stocking horse.
Okay, I figured it out.
I figured out my punishment.
You guys hid my car keys, right? No.
Who, then, wrecked my trilby hat from my Hat of the Month Club? God.
Or a really, really smart, fashionable person.
I just want to know what my punishment is, and can it please just happen today? Not how it works, Andre.
The punishee does not decide the schedule of the punisher.
Yeah, you don't get to decide when you get mugged.
I'm gonna get mugged? Maybe.
Just sit down and relax.
Oh, I'll sit down in this chair, Jenny? Or continue to stand up and be a weirdo.
I guess now because you want me to stand, I will sit.
We'd love you to leave.
Well, then, guess what.
I'm gonna stay in this chair.
Figuring all of this out.
Okay.
Oh, damn it! Oh! You God! I lost to Russell.
Well, you should have played Sproles in the flex.
You got him sitting on your bench, and he's killing it.
Honestly, I thought it was a Vincent Jackson play.
Why? He's huge.
So you choose your lineup based on height? It is a big man's game, Pete.
You know what? You're a height supremacist, Jenny.
Excuse me? Uh-huh.
That's a pretty big accusation.
I am not a height supremacist.
I have Russell Wilson on my team.
And you never play him.
Yeah, and by the way, remember she passed on Randall Cobb in the seventh to pick up Kelvin Benjamin, an unproven rookie? Yeah.
I don't feel bad about that.
Kelvin Benjamin is six-six and he has the catch radius of a guy who is six-nine.
I rest my case, Your Honor.
Hey, Pete, what are you doing? Eagles-Colts.
Great.
I need to run some Taco Corp business by you.
Now, Taco Corp's getting into real estate.
Great.
Uh what do you think? It-it-it looks great.
Can you Yes.
What does it look like on this side? It looks great over there, too.
Yes.
Yeah, lower, you want it higher? Taco, yes, as a board member, I approve.
Great.
Easy.
Taco, how are you gonna buy houses if you clearly can't even afford a printer? I mean, you do it.
Can't be that hard.
I don't think you understand how real estate works.
I don't think he understands how signs work.
Look, I get that you guys are skeptical, okay? When Steve Jobs invented the first job, everyone thought he was an idiot, but today, everyone has jobs.
And look how well Steve Jobs is doing.
Hmm? When are you guys gonna realize that Taco Corp is a real corporation with real employees and real board members? Interesting.
What the hell? Let me guess, Taco Corp is entering the space race, and this is your rocket ship? Love how you push me to be better, Pete, but no.
This is the first-ever EBDB kiosk.
That's right, you can sign up and find out who your Eskimo brothers are in the comfort of "The EBDB does not treat venereal diseases.
" No, a couple people found that out the hard way.
Listen, I have a business proposition for you.
I'm trying to get a raise.
No, no, no, no, if you're gonna talk business, we need to do it in the boardroom.
I think we're fine right here.
Follow me.
It's just one door down.
First door on your left.
Yes.
Come on in, sir.
Oh, God.
Jesus.
Yeah.
Okay.
Welcome, sir.
What I need is for Taco Corp to write me a job offer for $150,000.
Whoa, that's pretty steep, Pete.
The good news is, you don't actually have to pay me.
I can't tell which is more professional, the boardroom or the kiosk.
I think they're both fine.
I don't think they're No, you know what, I think the kiosk.
Let's move it back to the kiosk.
Come on, follow me.
All right.
Move it to the kiosk.
All right.
Yeah, this is much more business-y.
Good.
It's like my good friend Mark from Cuba says, "How you do the small things is how you do everything.
" All right, now, um, here we go First name.
Spartacus.
You know what? This would better in the boardroom.
You know, I think this is fine, right here.
This-this is boardroom, let's do it.
Follow me! Real Jesus Christ.
Here we go! So, next question: Where do you see yourself five years in the past? What? Okay, this one's a quizzler: What kind of horse is this? Appaloosa.
Appaloosa okay.
Let me test your reflexes.
Lift up your hand whoa.
Wow.
Yeah.
Just met you, Spartacus, but I really like you, and I think that Oh, God, no, please, please.
Just feel like You are fake hired.
Fake thank you.
I am gonna write up the fake contract.
You know, let me write the offer and then you can just kind of sign it.
That sounds like business.
Hey, use some of that newfound fake money to cover my parking, will you? You got it, Taco.
Okay Welcome to the schmooze-fest.
No, it's nice.
Okay, there is my new boss, Mr.
Lipscome.
He's a D.
A.
Lipscome? Lipscome.
Lipscome.
Don't make it filthy.
His name is "Lipscome.
" I know, but emphasis on the "lips," not the "come" part.
Lips Lipscome.
Just let it go, okay? Mr.
Lipscome Now, I don't know much about him.
All I know is he's from Philly and he's an Eagles fan.
That's my language.
Great.
I can do this.
Great.
I can do this.
Do you want, like, flirty and sophisticated? Do you want No, no, no, no.
guy's girl? I can go sexy.
I'd settle for sober.
Just go over to him, tell him how much I admire him, his worth ethic, blah, blah, blah Babe, I got this.
Good.
Okay? Okay.
I would like a martini.
No.
Gimlet? Thank you.
The shrimp needs to be chilled, not frozen.
When you freeze it, ice crystals form.
Mr.
Lipscome.
Hello, I'm Jenny MacArthur.
I'm Kevin's wife.
It is so nice to meet you.
I can't tell you how excited Kevin is to work with you.
He looks up to you, and Um it's That's, uh, it's actually me.
I'm Gary Lipscome.
Oh, I'm so sorry! That's all right.
He was just so tall and I'm sorry? He he just, uh, was very Tall, you said.
Like a D.
A.
He's tall like a D.
A.
I it was and I'm short and therefore not like a D.
A.
, is that what you're trying to say? No.
No, that is not what I am saying at all.
You're crouching.
No, I'm I'm not.
Funny thing is, I love short people.
Some of my very closest friends are short.
Oh, hello.
Hi.
Hi.
Thank you.
Honey oh.
Uh, Mr.
Lipscome.
MacArthur.
He's very grumpy.
What is wrong with you? Why can't you keep your height power thoughts to yourself? Kevin, he is shockingly short.
So? There is Peter Dinklage, there is Mr.
Lipscome, and then there's the rest of us.
"Us"? My God, come on, Adolf Heightler.
Geez, Louise I didn't mean to offend your boss.
I look at all heights equally.
Yeah, sure you do.
Sieg height! Height! No, it's not funny.
That's offensive.
I have plenty of short friends.
Oh, good.
Who? Ellie.
Not a friend.
- That's your child.
- I don't even think Ellie considers you a friend.
Blah, you just keep it down, Computer Ruxin.
I told you I wouldn't abandon the league.
That's why I zinged you from around the globe.
You're a great friend, Ruxin.
How's Korea? It's a shitstorm horrorscape.
The only advantage is that I'm up when the waiver wire opens.
Yeah.
Sorry, Mr.
O.
Who is yelling at you? His name is Mr.
O.
He's either the president of the company or he may be my assistant.
I can't tell.
Everybody just screams all the time.
The people here never go home.
All they do is work.
Honestly, Kevin, the janitors are more motivated than you.
Oh, yeah? Yeah? Come here, I'll show you motivated.
Hey! Where am I going? Oh, yeah! Oh, my God, is Sala.
Ah.
Show him that pretty Deal with that.
You know what? I'm sorry.
I-I messed up.
But I am going to fix this, okay? He's from Philly, right? Yeah.
Okay, I can work with this.
I'm so sorry I'm late! I knew that you guys had started without me.
One Cosmopolitan, please.
Hi, I am Andrea.
Are we talking about football? I love their costumes, they're so cute.
What is going on? It's me, Andre.
Oh! What are you doing, Andre? Since you guys haven't yet punished me, I decided I would punish myself.
Is it really a punishment, or are you just kind of exploring some things? Yeah, I dressed like a woman.
This is my punishment.
I just feel like a punishment should be something that's hard, and you just seem to be smiling a lot.
Like, right now, you're really Because I don't want to I don't want you to think I'm not doing it How often are doing this? I'm super excited, 'cause I want more girlfriends.
We should totally go out and get skinny margs Yeah.
and have some nachos.
Well, you know what? I think Ruxin would like to see some of this.
Ruxin? Thank you, finally.
Meet Andrea.
Holy shit! Is that little Ruxin? Hi, Ruxin, it's me, Andrea.
I think I had fish and soy milk for breakfast and this is more disgusting.
Oh, my gosh.
Turn around, baby.
What's that? You want to see me dance? That's right, Andre.
Give Daddy a show.
I'm a naughty girl In a dirty little world Will you show me what to do? I think there's a bunch of businessmen here who would pay a lot of money for your panties, Andre.
Huh? What? Korea signing off.
Sorry, so sorry, so sorry.
Oh, bye, bye.
Are we done? No, Andre, you don't get to decide your own punishment.
We set the punishment and you go by our sweet time.
Oh, come on, man! This is bullshit.
You think I like this? I don't like this.
Okay? I'm a man! And I deserve respect.
You've got it, Andre.
Put 'er there.
Thank hey! You do not get to touch that! Hey! Hey! Ah I broke a heel.
Damn it! These were Manolo Blahniks.
I have to say, this is the best I've ever seen him dress.
He looked beautiful.
Why are there condoms in here? Dear Mr.
Darren Sproles, my name is Ellie MacArthur, and I would like to invite you to my Sadie Hawkins dance.
It may sound a little cheesy-- or maybe cheese-steaky-- but the Eagles are my favorite team and you're my favorite player.
What are the Eagles? Oh, cut! Ellie! Just say what I wrote.
And turn up the cute factor.
I need you to smile with your whole face.
Once I get that little man dancing on the dance floor, no one's ever gonna call me a height supremacist.
And action! Dear Mr.
Darren Sproles No, no, no Taco Corp.
Never heard of 'em.
Well, they're a brand-new startup.
They're incubating a pretty radical new platform in the social media space.
I don't know what that means.
Neither do I.
But they've made me an aggressive offer, Bill.
And as they say, I'm forced to consider it.
All right, well, let me take this upstairs and see what I can do.
That's good, 'cause I'd hate to, uh, take back that bottle of Chardonnay.
You son of a bitch.
I'll make the call now.
Thursday Night Football-- could it get any better than this? I wish football was on every night-- Friday night, Saturday night.
They should have football every night, not just Thursdays.
Yeah, I just said that, Ruxin.
We Forget it.
What's your issue? What? I got to, I got to pee.
Go pee.
The bathroom's right there.
Oh, no, I'm not gonna go pee so you guys can pull out your little punishment tricks.
No, no, no.
No, thank you.
I don't need something up my butt.
There's a first.
There's a first.
We said that already.
I already said that, Computer Ruspin.
Oh, shit! Kevin, your first drink is on me.
Thanks to your Taco Corp plan, I got a raise! Who's here-- is that Pete? No.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
So, you're staying at your old job? Yeah, of course I am.
You're refusing Taco Corp's offer? It was a fake offer, Taco.
It was generous! It was beyond generous! You were never gonna pay me! I was gonna pretend to pay you.
A deal's a deal! Whatever, Taco.
I'm staying at my old job.
Sorry.
Oh, my You are making a huge mistake.
Taco Corp is blowing up and you're gonna miss it.
You know why, Pete No Known Last Name? Because you're fired! No, Mr.
O, I-I wasn't making fun of your last name or your culture.
For that delayed comment, Ruspin, you're fired, too! You're all fired! I'm gonna get some ice cream.
You guys need anything? No, thanks.
No, I'm good.
Is he getting ice cream? Taco's gonna put a bee in Andre's ice cream? Holy shit, you guys! Darren Sproles said yes! What?! Yes! Get out of here.
Let me see! Let me see! Hi, Ellie.
This is Darren Sproles and I would love to attend your school dance with you.
I'll be there.
Babe, you did this? This is great! My boss is a huge Eagles fan! I know! This is gonna be good for me.
Aw, Darren Sproles, you are so cool and smart and nice and short.
Wait, Martin Short is in the video? Yeah, he Ruxin! Oh, there's our guest of honor Darren Sproles! Ellie, this is the highlight of your existence.
It is, babe.
It's never going to get better than this right now.
Yeah You know what, let's start with a Dad picture.
Yeah, we need a Dad picture.
Get in there.
All right, ready? One, two Yeah! Yes! My turn! Look, I have to.
I'm sorry.
Okay, all right.
Okay, you ready? All right.
Uh, one, two Shiva-ship! What are you? What are you? Did you get it? No, no, no, no! What are you guys doing here? We did not want to miss Ellie's special day.
Me neither.
All right, just pace yourselves.
I get him first.
What is your? Why are you squirming? What's your problem? I have a U.
T.
I.
What? A urinary tract infection.
It's no big deal.
Don't you get that by having sex with lots and lots of people? Yeah, that's one way.
One way you will never get it.
Okay, well, I got mine because I held in my pee too long.
The Seahawks have Beast Mode and we have Yeast Mode.
No Yeast Mode, okay? I'm regular Andre.
Uh-uh.
From Tefl-Andre to Yeast Mode.
That is a punishment I can get behind.
Darren, what do you think? No, no, please, Darren? No! Don't talk to him! Hi, hi, uh, Mr.
Sproles.
I'm-I'm Pete Eckhart.
I'm just a huge fan.
It's so great to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
I'm, uh, Dr.
Andre Nowzik.
I'm the number one plastic surgeon in Chicago, and, uh, this is our friend Ruxin.
It's such a treat that you're there, Darren, especially since Jenny hates short people.
What? Ruxin Really? Uh no! That is so not true.
I love anything short.
I love short people.
Are you hungry? You should have something to eat before you dance the night away.
Here you go.
Minis? What? Minis? No! They're-they're fun size.
Fun size, huh? No! Come on now.
Oh, I didn't mean it like that, come on, Darren! No, the truth is, Jenny has always been a fan of the short players.
Yes! You know, she keeps her fantasy roster stacked with them.
Yeah.
Right now she got stuck with Vincent Jackson.
Oh, Vincent Jackson.
He's so tall.
She's been clamoring to get Tavon Austin off of my squad.
Now, that's a small dude.
He is small.
Yes.
It's funny you mention that.
He is kind of small.
I love small.
Okay, Pete, I will talk about that trade with you.
Let's go ahead and just make it official right here.
No, I, I have no interest in, uh Shake! Shake on it, shake! Quite a trade.
Oh, yeah! Quite a trade.
Good grip there, Jenny.
I just want to say thank you.
And I want to say thank you, sir.
Oh, anytime.
Well, I'm happy.
Great trade, Jenny.
Would you like to dance? I'd love to.
Let's go.
Have fun, guys.
Yeah.
I got to hit the bathroom.
This U.
T.
I.
is the worst.
All right, just excuse yourself that way, please.
Oh, God! Oh, God! Whoa! Closed! Andre, where are you taking me? Guys, I got to use the girl's bathroom.
No, no! No, Andre, don't! No, Andre, no! No! Okay, I have an idea.
Here.
No! No! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Andre, stop it! Oh, my God! You're gonna get arrested.
It burns.
Ruxin? Wait, what's going on? What-what are you showing me? Aw, middle school water fountain forever unclean.
Would you hurry up, please? You're gonna Okay, I'll go You good? Oh, Mr.
Lipscome! How are you? MacArthur.
Good.
Have you had an opportunity to meet Darren Sproles? Oh! Oh, my God! Yes! Mr.
Sproles, uh, Darren, it's such an honor to meet you.
How you doing? I'm a huge fan.
Well, thank you.
I'm gonna go grab some water.
Uh, I can grab you a bottle of water over here.
Ah, no.
Got a fountain right over here I can use.
No! You cannot use that water fountain! Why? No.
Not for you.
There's a perfectly good fountain right there.
Wow, really-- the tiny water fountain? No, I didn't mean it like that.
Yeah, she did.
You really got a problem with short people, huh? No, I don't.
Oh, yes, she does.
She's a height supremacist.
What? No! I love short people! Come on, Darren, we don't need this.
Darren, I will play you next week even though you are mini tiny tiny.
God! Great.
Thank you.
I got to pee again! No, Yeast Mode! Well, at least Ellie's still having a good time.
That sucked.
Thanks a lot, Yeast Mode.
It's not my fault.
I have a U.
T.
I.
and a gluten allergy, thank you very much.
Can someone point me towards Jenny? I want to see her suffer.
Hi, Ruxin.
How are you? Ah, gentlemen.
I have some huge Taco Corp news.
Yeah? What's going on? Taco Corp has officially sold the EBDB.
Really? How much you get for it? Uh, $1.
1 million.
What? Mm-hmm.
Wait, who gave you a million dollars for that? It was my good friend Mark from Cuba.
Whoa.
Hey, Taco, what's cracking? Hey, Mark.
How's Cuba? Wait, Mark from Cuba is Mark Cuban? Duh.
Yeah, how do you know Mark? From Shark Tank.
Taco, I love the EBDB, man.
I see it as a radical new platform in the social media space.
Bro, man, we got to incubate this thing.
Hey! That-That's what I said! You should have invested, man, ha! Oh, Pete! You could have made so much money if you'd stuck with Taco Corp.
my life! See you, bro.
Hi, Mark, if I can, I have a pitch.
It's called Smooth-eHarmony and it's a dating site and a smoothie service See you, Mark.
Ah, it was a million dollar idea.
You know what? Now that I have a bit of money, I think I will buy that house.
Yes, you should and I should absolutely be your real estate agent.
Yes.
Mm, I don't think you're tall enough for me.
Does this place have a bathroom? Yeah, it's behind the kiosk.
Okay, good.
I go in the tire.