The Neighborhood (2018) s06e03 Episode Script

1
Calvin, you got to check
this out. Look at this.
My refrigerator is 36 degrees right now.
Look-look, Dave, I don't care.
The Lakers have the ball.
It's one minute left. All right,
get your app out my face.
No. You're not gonna say that
when you see what this thing can do.
I can change the temperature
in my refrigerator
from anywhere in the
world. Look at that.
I have never changed the
temperature in my fridge, ever.
All right? Either it's cold or it's
broken. Okay? Now, please.
Calvin, you-you got to
see all these options.
I can get a notification
every time an ice cube drops,
but with one swipe, I can
even mirror it on my TV.
(TV CHIMES)
(ICE CUBES CLINKING)
You just mirrored it on my TV.
I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Look, I didn't mean to. Um
Look, the shot was in the air, man.
- Relax. I can get it back.
- Come on.
Just give me a second. Here we go.
- Okay, uh
- (TV CHIMES)
- (CROWD CHEERING)
- Hah. There it is.
See that? Lakers won.
You didn't miss anything.
I missed them winning.
I feel your pain. Did you
see the Housewives finale?
I didn't. I saw the crisper
get two degrees colder.
Yeah, well, men love their gadgets.
Their stupid, stupid gadgets.
Well, he got his smart fridge
and I got to upgrade our bathrooms.
You've got to come over and see.
It's like I have my own spa.
Aw, I'm jealous.
Really, Tina?
We just did a big renovation
after the earthquake.
Brand-new kitchen,
brand-new living room.
Yeah, but not the bathrooms.
And now the rest of
the house looks so good
and the bathrooms look horrible.
Or
maybe ugly bathrooms
make you appreciate how beautiful
the rest of the house is.
It's how you look at things.
Glass half-full.
Nah. That's like shaving one leg
and the other leg looks like Sasquatch.
- Come on.
- (LAUGHS)
Babe, they're bathrooms, okay?
You go in there, you do your business,
you scroll on Instagram 45 minutes
until your legs go to sleep,
and then you get up.
Baby, this is gonna be
our forever home, okay?
Don't you want it to be perfect?
Don't you want new tiles?
- A steam shower
- A bidet. They're amazing.
- Ooh, a bidet.
- Okay.
Look, we just sank all that
money into the Fusebox.
Now is not the time to be bidet-ing.
Well You should do what we did.
- Get a home equity line of credit.
- (SCOFFS)
- Who needs all that paperwork?
- Oh, it's really easy.
Bank just sent somebody
over for a walk-through
and actually appraised for way
more than we thought it would.
You should give it a try.
What is this, a commercial?
"We should give it a try."
- Oh, thank you, baby!
- No, no.
I'll call the bank in the morning.
No
Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪
Welcome to the hood. ♪
Well, as you can see,
we have an open floor plan.
They call this the great room.
(CHUCKLES)
I'm sure you would agree.
- Yeah, it's nice.
- Mm.
Tina, Tina, let the man
do his job, okay?
TINA: Oh, come on, baby.
Get with the program.
Okay, look, Tina, I am fine
with whatever you want,
except for this bidet thing.
I like the water in my toilet
to go one direction: down, not up.
So is that coffee?
Yes, it is. (CHUCKLES)
(LAUGHS) Great. Great. Um
Do you think that's a
great idea for our baby?
Marty, don't start
before I have my coffee.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Only that's what I'm starting about.
I asked my doctor and she said
a moderate amount is fine.
And before you ask, the
doctor also said it's okay
to have a glass of wine.
Great, great. So, the baby's
gonna be a jittery alcoholic.
Are we done here?
I kind of have work to do.
Uh, we need to talk about your car.
What about it?
It's a convertible.
What's wrong with that? It's fun.
Oh, yeah. Well, you know what's not fun?
When you hit a pothole and the baby
in the car seat goes flying out
and lands on a tree three blocks away.
So, in this scenario,
I didn't buckle the baby
into the car seat?
That is not what I'm saying.
Well, where is this baby getting
such a high launch trajectory?
Oh.
I'm driving on a planet with no gravity.
(GASPS) Did I miss something?
Have we colonized the moon?
Okay, first of all, we're
closer than you think.
And I'm-I'm just saying
maybe a car with a roof
makes more sense for a baby.
Marty, I appreciate your
concern. Thank you.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Uh, wait, so-so what does that mean?
It means my feet are swollen,
I can barely fit into my jeans,
and I have thrown up three times today.
All right, all right, uh, fair enough.
I am backing off.
(LAUGHS)
Oh, my God, woman sushi?!
Do you know how much mercury is in that?
Malcolm.
Malcolm.
Wait, Malcolm.
Guess what the temperature
is in my freezer right now.
I'm gonna say, uh (CHUCKLES)
"I don't give a damn" degrees.
Close. It's 23.
Look, the e-mail just came
in with our new appraisal.
Ooh, here comes our money.
- Well, all right, all right.
- (LAUGHS)
- What did it say?
- Well, it's still loading.
Must be big.
What the hell?
Calvin, look at this.
What the hell?
Do we live in a bucket?
Why is this so much less than yours
when we're 20 feet apart
with the same square footage?
Okay, you know what? Don't worry.
I'm sure if you, if you put
a little TLC in, you know,
you fix up the steps,
you spruce up the dated color scheme,
- I'm sure
- Uh
Dave, it's not the color of the house.
It's the color of the
people who live here.
Oh, man. I mean, you
hear about this stuff,
but you're always surprised
when it happens to you.
This is straight-up
institutional racism.
Preach. Can I get a amen?
Amen. Won't he do it?
(CHUCKLES) I've always
wanted to do that.
What's going on?
Look-look how little they're
saying our house is worth.
Now, now, we don't know
what went into this.
M (SIGHS) Maybe the appraiser
found some sort of killer mold.
What color mold, Dave? Black?
I don't see color in mold.
You know what? I know how
we can get a decent loan.
We're gonna call that bank back
and get a second appraiser,
and when he shows up,
- guess what?
- What?
Calvin and Tina Butler
they're gonna be white people.
Yeah. You mean get another
couple to pretend to be us?
This is a great idea,
but who we thinking?
I think it should be Kevin
Bacon and Reese Witherspoon.
It's us, Dave. We're the white Butlers.
Oh.
Well, all right!
Okay, family pictures,
Black artwork it's all got to go.
- We got to whiten this place up.
- Mm-hmm.
Okay. Gemma, did you
bring the good stuff?
"It's wine o'clock."
Yes! Perfect.
All right, I brought some music.
I've got the trifecta,
the three Kenny's:
Loggins, Rogers, and G.
(CHUCKLES)
I guess we need to hide
the Kenny Latimore.
- Okay? (LAUGHS)
- (LAUGHS)
Who's Kenny Latimore?
See?
I'm gonna take another
load of your shoes
- over to our place, Pop.
- Okay, good.
Okay, I just got to ask.
Why is it that Black people
have so many pairs of shoes?
Oh, hey, you know what?
That is a fair enough question
because I always wanted to know
how do white people
get away with so few?
Yes.
You know, you need shoes
for every occasion.
- (CHUCKLES) Right.
- You got gym shoes,
you got work shoes,
you got church shoes,
you got movie shoes, coffee shoes,
chillin' shoes and shoe shopping shoes.
Okay, well-well,
what if you accidentally
wore your chillin' shoes to the movies?
(BOTH SCOFF, LAUGH)
Who would do that?
Then you wouldn't be chillin'. You know?
Oh, wow.
Oh.
- Are these Michael Jordans?
- Okay.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Easy.
Whoa, whoa. Put those down.
Those-those aren't for wearing.
Well, why do you have them then?
Well, they're collectibles.
A few years ago, a customer
came into the Pit Stop
and couldn't afford a new transmission.
Malcolm convinced me to accept
a pair of Jordan 4s for payment.
And how much are they worth now?
- They are selling for six grand.
- Whew.
And, someday, these
will be my inheritance.
Oh, no, no. These are going with me.
Yeah, these are my coffin shoes.
Dead man walking!
Ooh, now, these are fire.
You know how much these are worth?
I do. Now, back up.
Look but don't touch, my brother.
Wow. You sound like the
lady at the jewelry store.
- MALCOLM: Hey, Marty.
- Hey.
- Um, what's on your shirt?
- (DOOR CLOSES)
Ah, this. (LAUGHS) It's a burrito.
Do you need a bib, bro?
No. No, it is not my burrito.
You see, a certain pregnant
woman was eating it
and I just innocently asked
if it was too spicy for someone
in her condition, and she
She threw it at you?
Oh, no. No. She gently mushed
it on my chest and slid it down.
So, you told a pregnant
woman what she can't eat?
(SCOFFS) You got off easy.
I got a pot of hot gumbo thrown at me.
You think you'd be faster
than gumbo, but nope.
Oh, well, maybe you can help me out.
You're a-a baby daddy.
Of three.
From three different women.
Hey, don't be mad at
me 'cause I'm lovable.
Anyway, how do you co-parent
with somebody who you're not with?
I mean, Courtney and
I are friends, sure,
but we're not a couple, and
the way she treats me now,
I might as well be a sperm donor.
Look, Marty, because you and
Courtney aren't in a relationship,
you shouldn't be afraid
to put your foot down.
But gently, because you
are in a relationship.
You just aren't having sex with her.
Hmm.
That kind of makes sense.
Does it?
Well, yeah, man.
Well, you wouldn't understand
'cause you're not in our club.
- What club?
- The baby daddy's club.
That's not a thing.
- It is.
- Look, look, look.
Marty, don't worry about Malcolm.
Kids are a blessing.
You're gonna work this out.
Thanks, man.
Uh, Trey?
Where are you going
with our pop's shoes on?
Oh, that's weird.
I ain't come in with these?
(KNOCKING)
Ah, hello.
You must be Scott, the appraiser.
Welcome to our home.
We are the Butlers.
You've got a beautiful home, Mr. Butler.
Oh, right, uh (CHUCKLES)
Mr. Butler, of course.
Uh, you know what, call me Calvin.
Yeah, Tina Butler
who-who's right here
and I designed this kitchen ourselves.
And you'll notice we only have granola
and applesauce in there.
No, uh
grits or hot sauce.
Oh, I see you got all the Kenny's.
- (CHUCKLES)
- Oh!
Sure-sure do.
Ah! Look who it is.
It's our son, Timmy Butler.
(COCKNEY ACCENT): Hello, gov'nor.
Care for a spot of tea?
(GEMMA LAUGHS)
Timmy, why are you talking like that?
Well, I'm a Caucasian, I am.
Cheerio.
Doug, magazine, magazine.
Hey!
Blimey!
Uh, Courtney?
Courtney, can I talk to you for a sec?
(SIGHS) Marty, they're regular gummies.
I can show you the bag.
No.
No, uh, no need.
Uh, although
gelatin is made from pig bones
and corn syrup, but
but-but knock yourself out.
(LAUGHING)
Okay. (CHUCKLES)
Uh, okay, so here's the thing.
You and I need to
figure out what we are.
Courtney, I-I don't want to
feel like a sperm donor.
Although I would be a hot commodity.
I am six feet tall.
I have a master's degree.
And I still got all my hair.
Marty, I don't know where this is going,
but I already got your sperm for free.
Yeah. And you're welcome
for that, by the way.
But, uh, but we need to figure out
how we're gonna work together
on this whole pregnancy thing.
- You're right.
- Just hear me out before you
Oh, oh.
I'm-I'm right.
Yeah. I do need help.
For the first time in my life,
I don't have all the answers,
and it is freaking me out.
But, Marty, I can't have you
trying to micromanage my life
for the next six months
and the next 18 years.
I know, I know, and I can be a lot.
But I was thinking,
do you remember how well
we worked together at JPL?
Yeah.
We killed it on that
Mars lander project.
No, we did! We did.
And if we can get a robotic claw
to pick up a rock on another planet,
we can figure out how to have a baby.
- Hell yeah!
- Yeah.
We can do this.
- Yeah.
- We can call it
Operation Baby.
You know, with the pause, I was
expecting a better name, but sure.
So, did you listen to the Kenny's?
Yeah, well, I'm not mad at that Kenny G.
The second appraisal's in.
Mama's gonna get her wet room. ♪
Ooh!
Oh, thank you, white Butlers.
Well, it was an honor
to be you and Calvin.
Come on, let's start
picking out some tiles.
Yeah
"Yeah" what?
We can't take that money.
What's wrong? You won.
No, we didn't.
You won for us.
And if we accept that money,
then what would we be saying
that their racist policies are okay?
TINA: No, no. Not okay,
but you know what would
take the sting out of it?
A bidet that blows
warm air on your tush.
Oh, my God, I mean
Come on, Tina, no.
Look, Ma Ma, if you take their money,
you're just letting them buy you off.
Look, Pop, we got to do something
so they don't think they can
just get away with this.
You're right, son.
I agree.
And we'll do that the second they
finish grouting the new tile.
Okay, so I will take bottle feeding
from midnight to 5:00 a.m.
Great, and I'll do nursing.
Obviously. (CHUCKLES)
I will do spit up, you do drool.
We both do poop.
Poop is for everybody.
Everybody gets poop.
Uh, yo, I think we nailed this.
Yeah, we're gonna be awesome co-parents.
I am starving. What's for lunch? Ooh!
- Ramen.
- Mexican.
New board.
Good afternoon, Mr. And Mrs
Butler?
I'm sorry, who are the Butlers?
(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
Excuse me, sorry. I'm-I'm confused.
Do you all have the same name?
Actually, look, we are the real Butlers.
And your bank came to our house
to give us an appraisal,
and it was quite low.
So, for the second appraisal,
we had our friends be the Butlers,
and their appraisal was higher
for the same damn house.
So, do you see a difference
between these two sets of Butlers?
Um
you mean, like, height-wise?
Yeah.
Whose height is darker?
I'm sure that this was just some
kind of a misunderstanding,
and I promise you, we're gonna
look into how this happened.
Oh, no,
she did not just close that folder.
- Yes, she did.
- CALVIN: You know what, ma'am,
you don't-you don't have to
look into how this happened.
We know how this happened.
All of us Butlers know
how this happened.
Okay, Dave, we're dropping that part.
Clearly, mistakes were made.
But I assure you that we're
gonna make this right.
Why in the world would they trust
anything this bank says now?
You're right. We have
to earn that trust.
So, first thing, obviously, we
will honor the higher appraisal.
You know what? Nice try,
but this isn't about money.
This is about the right and the wrong.
Right and wrong is what SGV
Bank & Trust is all about.
So, please don't judge our
actions by one bad apple.
Well, there seems to
be a lot of bad apples
from a very old and rotten tree.
- Gemma.
- On it.
Ha!
Oh.
Hi. Hello. Hi.
Who are these people?
Oh, these people?
That's a good question.
You know, I did a little digging around
and I found out that a
whole bunch of people
in our neighborhood have
mortgages with this bank.
And guess what?
They all got appraisals
way below the average.
Now, do you notice any
unifying characteristics here?
Yeah. Are we all the same height?
I assure you, if that happened,
I am very sorry.
This bank is committed to equality.
- That's not what heard.
- Right.
Yeah. Okay, okay.
Well, are you willing to promise
in front of God
- and Gemma's phone
- Mm.
that you will order new appraisals
- for all these people's houses?
- Of course.
And that they will be fair?
Absolutely.
And that you will validate our parking?
Because you made us
wait, like, 20 minutes
and and it adds up.
I'm sorry, we don't own the building.
(SCOFFS) Isn't that convenient?
You know what?
You got three days to make this right
before we decide to
make this thing public.
And my son has a disturbing number
of social media followers.
Understood.
Okay. If you guys will all
Well, you just follow me
to the lobby and I will
get some information
and then we will we will get
things rolling on this, okay?
- I'm proud of you, Malcolm.
- I'm proud of you, too, Pop.
Oh, thank you, son.
- Tina, come on.
- No. No, no, no, no, no.
And for the shower, it has rain,
waterfall, mist, ooh, and massage.
- Mm, will it hit all my hot spots?
- Mm, every one.
Even the ones you didn't know you had.
Hey, well, get to ordering, babe.
Hey, so, uh, which bank did
you guys get the loan from?
No bank.
Why should we go begging for money
when we have our own resources?
All right. What resources?
Um, Malcolm, you should sit down.
- M-Me?
- Yeah.
(CHUCKLES, STAMMERS)
What is it?
Well, there's no easy way to say this,
but, uh, I sold the Jordan 4s.
Not the 4s, Pop.
There's more.
The limited edition, uh, Nike Dunks?
Gone.
- You okay?
- Where you going, Malcolm?
(LAUGHS)
I'm a grown man, Mama.
I ain't gonna cry in front of y'all.
Oh!
Malcolm
I was thinking about
the heated towel racks.
♪