What We Do in the Shadows (2019) s06e03 Episode Script

1
TGIF. FML. NGL. LOL.
Now I am a woman of the
workforce, I crave the weekends.
It's just a chance to relax
away from Cannon Capital's meetings
and memorandums and electronic mails.
What is all this shit?
Laszlo!
My darling. Do both
these eyes look hazel to you?
I think it's important my
monster has a matching set.
You have turned our home
into Jack the Ripper's recycle bin.
I thought you had finished creating
your freaky monster sex doll man.
My darling, if I am to maintain
my freaky sex doll monster man,
as you inaccurately call him,
it's important I have an adequate
supply of spare body parts.
But what are these?
Uh, they're hearts. They're livers.
They're spleens. They're kidneys.
That's a cat's arsehole.
I've no idea what that is.
Whatever. Just get them gone.
- Mmm. All right.
- Come on, chop-chop.
There's no room in this house for
all the things I need to get done.
It's fine. I'll pick those up later.
I have had enough.
There are too many useless ball sacks
lying around the house
with you and Nandor.
We cannot deal with all this extra shit.
My darling, I have
everything under control.
- Oh, do you?
- Absolutely.
- Then what are those?
- Feet.
Perhaps Laszlo was trying to tell
you the game is afoot.
- Shut up, Guillermo.
- Nandor, does it not concern you
that you are sat on
top of a bag of noses?
I
I thought it was a cushion.
I fell in the
bloody pile of torsos again.
- Oh, no! No, no, no!
- Ugh. Pick me up.
- Laszlo! I mean it!
- Oh, get it off me.
Just find a place to store
all of this human crap.
All right, my darling.
But where do you suggest?
The small space under the stairs
where Guillermo used to live.
We never figured out what to do
with it since he moved into the shed.
Actually, that space has
already been occupied.
What the shit gives you the right
to take over that space, Nandor?
A: Guillermo was my familiar.
And B: I have already done it.
And so it begins.
First, Nandor unilaterally
gives my garden shed to Gizmo.
A shed I lovingly converted
into a temple of self-worship
or some might call it a "Jack Shack."
No. This has to end now.
Otherwise, Nandor will take
over the house entirely.
A slope slippier than
a whore's saddle. Mmm.
If you had wanted the
space under the stairs,
you would have taken the
space under the stairs.
Yeah, well, I do want the
space under the stairs.
And I intend to take the space
under the stairs. For all my
To keep the body parts in order.
- Yes.
- Hey. Sorry, don't mean to interrupt.
I just want to let you know
that you guys are out of hot water.
Hold your horses, Noeël Coward.
You can tell your ex-boss
that this house is not a dictatorship.
- Yes.
- No, I don't wanna get involved.
You guys figure it out, okay?
And how do you propose we do that?
I don't know. Take a vote.
Good idea, Guillermo.
Hey, everyone, let's have a vote.
Okay, I'm gonna go.
Nandor, that is a great idea.
- Uh
- Let's take a vote.
All those in favor of
giving Laszlo dominion
over Guillermo's old
space under the stairs
to use as a storage facility
for his bodily parts.
Yes, and all my sex stuff.
And maybe some wanking.
Okay, raise hand.
And all those in favor
of it remaining the
sovereign territory of Nandor
for his exclusive use
as a home gymnasium,
which only Nandor can use,
raise your hands.
- No.
- It is settled.
Two to one. Ha!
Bad luck, Blackadder.
I demand a recount.
Sorry, the people have spoken.
Don't tarnish your legacy, Nandor.
Hear me out. Nadja.
A gym only I can use,
- hmm?
- Fuck off.
Laszlo, still thinking about it?
No, not even a little.
Yes, don't be a little bitch, Nandor.
What can I say? I lost.
Another time, I would
just seize the territory, but
I grow weary of the fight.
Perhaps it is time for this old
cowboy to just hang up his spurs
and go fuck himself right up the pooper.
Okay, fine.
I shall clear out my StairMaster
and booty bands by tomorrow.
Good. And also, give Laszlo his
This is not good. Not good at all.
So I regularly use our network of vents
to gather intel on my housemates
and I've recently uncovered
a troubling development.
Well, it's finally happening.
I'm being forced out of the house.
Over the years, I've
kept extensive records
detailing the power
rankings within the house.
Who's hot, who's not.
Who's chic, who's weak.
Who's fly, who's shy. Who's
ballin', who's stallin'.
Up here, you have Nandor,
then Nadja, then Laszlo.
And down here,
Guillermo, until recently.
And over here, is your baby boy,
Colin Robinson, who is going down.
I've been able to hold on
to my place in the house
due to a delicate dance.
Not unlike Henry Kissinger's
triangular diplomacy.
Nadja and Laszlo represent
one stalwart alliance.
Nandor and Guillermo the other.
My lone wolf status afforded
me a position of power.
A tiebreaker.
The Harold Prince to their Stephen
Sondheim and Andrew Lloyd Webber.
But the power dynamics have now shifted.
Now that Guillermo has left the
house, Nandor is a broken man.
And I fear it's just a matter
of time before he goes over
to the Nadja/Laszlo alliance for good
and they decide to kill
me and quarter my body
to share as sick souvenirs
amongst themselves.
Or worse, I have to
go apartment hunting.
Come on. You know you want to.
- I'm not moving back into the house.
- Fine.
- But will you at least talk to Nandor?
- I don't think me talking to him
is gonna make a difference. He's
not gonna listen to me either.
- Well, you didn't let me finish.
- Sorry.
Uh, what I was saying before you cut
me off and didn't let me finish was,
- maybe if you were to talk to Nandor
- Mm-hmm.
I could walk by or
something and he'd see me
and he'd be like, "Oh,
there's Colin Robinson.
I should really form
an alliance with him."
You know, to get out of
having to talk to you.
Okay. Good night.
I appreciate you
playing my favorite
song to cut the tension,
but I don't think it's gonna
help me solve this problem.
Doesn't hurt though.
Oh, my God! Talk to Nandor,
don't talk to Nandor.
I don't care, all right?
Just leave me out of it.
- Hypnotize him for all I care.
- Oh. That's ridiculous.
Everyone knows you
can't hypnotize a vampire.
They always have their guard up.
Well, then hypnotize him when
he's asleep. Like I'm trying to be.
Sleep hypnosis. Is such
a thing even possible?
Can you do that somewhere else, please?
Well, I-I-I like the ambient noise.
Oh. Let's take it again. Uh, three, two
Sleep hypnosis. Is such
a thing even possible?
- I have to find out.
- Colin.
Nandor. Nan-Man. Dipshit.
What's up?
What's up?
Hear me now and believe me later.
You are a fierce warrior.
I am a fierce warrior.
You must stand your ground.
Stand my ground.
Your only ally is Colin Robinson.
Are you sure?
Yes, you love Colin Robinson.
That sounds wrong, but okay.
All right.
Laszlo, is that chair totally necessary?
It's taking up a lot of room.
Well, how else can I sit and
review my stored items of science?
Is that a box of
pornography in front of you?
No, anatomical textbooks.
The collective works of
Doctors Flynt and Guccione.
- Hey. Have either of you seen Nandor?
- Oh. He's probably oversleeping.
Without his home gym room, he
has very little to live for.
Cool, cool, coolio. I'm just gonna
go for a walk. Just a normal walk.
Okay.
I know what you're
going to do with that chair.
You're going to sit in it and
stroke yourself, reading your filth.
Perhaps I will.
I'm sorry, my darling.
Would you like a hand?
- Yes, I'd actually love one.
- Well, take your pick.
We've got a bunch of them.
Buddy. It's 7:00 p.m.
Time to rise and oh!
Colin Robinson.
Some of them are just
too long to fit in as one piece.
- That's what my gran said.
- Ugh.
I am back from my walk.
- Who fucking cares?
- Give a fuck.
I saw Nandor out in the
hallway. He'll be in in a sec.
Uh-huh.
What the hell?
What the dick is he saying?
Oh. Hold on. I have a
translation app here.
I have conquered officially
the room beneath the stairs
- in the name of Al Quolanudar.
- No one's conquered anything.
What the fuck is he talking about?
And I could not have conquered
the room beneath the stairs
without Colin Robinson, my
primary ally within this fortress.
We take what we wish,
and defend it unto death.
Oh.
You heard what he said, ding-dongs.
This is our house now, and if
you don't like it, you can eat my ass.
Ha ha. Yes, eat my ass.
It is plain to see,
something very strange
is going on with Nandor.
He's being competent and assertive.
Much different to the
soaking-wet simp we are used to.
I'm not gonna stand around while
these two tits bugger about.
I do important science in
there three times a day.
- Nandor, get the fuck out of there.
- No, thank you.
- You heard the lady. Fuck off.
- Wow.
- Oh, good! Look who just sashayed in.
- "Shasay" away.
No, no, no. We're facing a bit of
a contretemps. We need your help.
Why don't you just all share the room?
My husband needs it for his body parts!
We had a fucking vote on it, you idiot.
Quiet.
I have a fair and
equitable solution to propose.
- Okay, then.
- Come on, Tarzan. We're all ears.
Mmm.
Yeah. So he set the house on fire.
Turns out his equitable solution was,
"if I can't have Guillermo's
room, then no one can have it."
Or something like that.
It's hard to tell because
he also set my phone on fire.
Boy, did we mess up.
We? No, there's no
"we." This is all you.
Who convinced me to
sleep-hypnotize him? You.
What? I didn't do, oh.
Hey, buddy? No, no. Not safe.
Why don't you sleep-hypnotize him
to go back to the way
that he was before?
Yeah, I want to, but my phone melted.
- Well, then get a new phone.
- Oh, my God.
That's not good.
I would get a new
phone, but I kind of wanna wait
until the new one's released next year.
I mean, there's nothing worse than
updating your devices in the off-cycle.
Apple seems to be on an
autumn release time frame.
Okay. You know what? How about this?
We use my translation app.
And then after that, I'm out.
Okay. Type in, "You will return
to yourself as you were before."
- Great.
- Okay.
That should get him back to normal.
Time to go to bed, buddy. Come on.
And after this, no more sleep hypnosis!
Let's hit the hay, buddy.
Sleep hypnosis?
Is such a thing even possible?
When you awake, you will be much tidier.
Tidier.
Neater and cleaner.
You will not be able to
tolerate a single mess.
Neater. Tidier.
Everything in its right place.
I love you, Mommy.
Oh.
Whoa.
Very good, my love.
Oh, Marmaduke. You are something else.
You know, they don't live
as long, the-the bigger dogs.
- Oh.
- Hey, man. I was reading that.
Well. Not now, you're not.
I'll have to iron it now.
What is your major malfunction?
FMJ, 1987.
- Bloody savage.
- Sheesh.
We shall never be belligerent.
But we shall be as firm
in defending our system
as they are in expanding theirs.
I think we can all agree
that is very well-spoken.
That sounds kind of like a threat to me.
This is not a threat, this
is a statement of policy.
But we are done arguing
over the shitty little room
under the stairs, correct?
I have never been a quitter.
"But as president,
I must put the interests
of America first."
What the fuck is he talking about?
"Nobody will ever write a book,
probably about my mother."
So, yes, I sleep-hypnotized
Nandor again last night.
Just to get him back to normal.
I will return to myself
And while I was messing around in there,
I thought, why not
improve on the original?
- Basically, just like this guy.
- This guy.
Charismatic. A student of Realpolitik.
Nobody will ever write a
book, probably about my mother.
But, yeah, I think I may
have sleep-hypnotized Nandor
into Richard Nixon.
For 16 years, since the Hiss
case, you've had a lot of fun.
A lot of fun. You've had
an opportunity to attack me.
And I'd like to think I've
given as good as I've taken.
- Colin Robinson.
- Hmm?
Have you done something
to Nandor's brain somehow?
No. No, I don't think I did.
- Hmm.
- Nandor, listen to me.
Has Colin Robinson done
something to your head?
People have got to know whether
their president is a crook.
Well, I'm not a crook.
No, no, don't come in.
Whatever it is, I don't care.
Are you okay?
Do you wanna talk about it? Come on.
Okay. What is it?
- "You know what it was."
- What?
"It was a little Cocker Spaniel dog
in a crate he sent
all the way from Texas.
Black and white, spotted.
And our little one,
Trisha, the six-year-old.
She named it Checkers."
Wait, isn't this, like,
a Richard Nixon speech?
"Our kids, they love that dog,
and I just want to say this.
Right now, regardless of what they
say about it, we're gonna keep it."
Did Colin Robinson sleep-hypnotize you
so you're only able to
speak like Richard Nixon?
I will not put the
blame on subordinates.
I'll take that as a yes.
Would you like me to help undo it?
Sock it to me.
And you'll go back to
the Nandor from before.
Just a regular vampire.
What is this?
Sleep hypnosis? Is such
a thing even possible.
Your camera's filthy.
Packages. I hope it's
my electric kettle.
No. Here we go.
No. It's, uh, all addressed
to Laszlo Cravensworth.
It's weird. I wonder how he
even figured out how to use Prime.
What, uh
Ah.
What's going on here?
My parcels from the Amazon. Thank
you for ordering, Colin Robinson.
Lord Laszlo's wish is my command.
All hail Lord Laszlo.
Solvents and sponges for everyone.
May I just say you look fabulous, Baron.
Flatterer.
You know, but it turns out
that these little scallywags
do more than just keep
me young in spirit.
They also secrete a
wonderful healing cream.
Look, I'm almost back to normal.
The Sire extracts milk
from them every evening.
So, anyhoo, sleep hypnosis.
Is such a thing even possible?
Apparently, yes.
I kid you. Everybody
knows about sleep hypnosis.
Do you think you could
hypnotize them back?
Can I, the supreme all-powerful
vampire, hypnotize them?
- Obviously.
- Okay.
Why don't you hand me
your very smart telephone
and I can record my hypnosis.
You can play it for them later.
But do not listen lest you
become hypnotized yourself.
How about noise canceling?
Ah. Now I'll do the recording, if
you put on your ear buddy phones.
Okay.
Ye shall forget everything ye
know and everything ye have known.
Let me listen to that back. I always
sound so nasally in these things.
Okay.
Ye shall forget everything ye
know and everything ye have known.
- You like it? Yeah, okay. Great.
- Yeah.
Okay. So now I will do the recording.
Oh. Okay.
Ye shall forget everything ye know
and everything ye have known.
Okay. Let me listen to that back.
I always sound so
nasally in these things.
Uh-huh.
Ye shall forget everything ye
know and everything ye have known.
- Great. I'll just take the phone back.
- Not-Not so fast.
I still need to do the recording.
Oh. I see what's going on here.
Be quiet.
Come on.
Ye shall forget everything
ye know and everything ye have known.
Ye shall forget everything ye
know and everything ye have known.
Hmm.
- Good. You guys are finally up.
- Up with the lark.
That was the best
sleep I've had in ages.
Indeed, good sir.
Nandor the Relentless, by the way.
I don't believe I caught your name.
Leslie Cravensworth. You
may call me Mr. Cravensworth.
Mister Cravensworth.
- And who's that?
- I have no idea.
So, it seems that, uh,
The Baron's hypnosis
not only made them forget
about their hypnoses
Relentless, you say?
- Yes.
- Must be my lucky day.
but it also made them forget
that they had ever met each other
because, of course it did.
Nadja of Antipaxos.
Mmm.
- Nice to meet you. Nadja.
- I say. Hello.
Hello. I'm Colin Robinson.
Who-Who are you, boners?
I say. Hello.
Yeah, I think I'm gonna
like living here just fine.
Apart from the fact that I'm
disoriented, slightly afraid
and don't know who you are.
Nice little nest we've got here, huh?
Oh, yes. Look at this chandelier.
- Surely could hold a sex net.
- Sex net.
Check out this little space back here.
Oh, yes. Look at this nice little space.
Perfect for a place to hang out.
- Now we're talking.
- I was thinking the same thing.
I mean, it's a bit small. It would
only really be good for a solo pursuit.
If I may be so bold, I think I would
like to set up shop
here if that is okay.
Sorry. But no, you may not be so bold
because I myself was hoping
to set up shop just here, so
Well, if I might be bolder
still. I'd like to wank there.
See, I was thinking of just having
an area that I could stand in.
Well.
So who the fuck is gonna get
that space under the stairs?
- Me. I am.
- I guess you do your wanking
I should have a safe space.
Hello, everyone.
Knock, knock, knock, knock.
I need to tell you something.
I just want to say sorry that
I haven't been around lately.
But I have been working closely with
your old roommate Jerry the Vampire
on his big, fantastic plan to
conquer all of North America.
- Who?
- Come on.
You know Jerry the
Vampire, your old roommate.
Super slumber guy, tall.
He's got a round face.
I don't know who is who or what is what.
But I am loving this ditzy blonde.
- Sleep hypnosis.
- Hypnosis. I was trying to tell you.
Oh, yes. Sleep
hypnosis is a very real thing.
I learned that my first week of
Vampire Council sleepaway camp.
Oh. Those bitches in cabin nine.
Enchanted. Have we met before?
If we had, I'm sure I
would have remembered.
Anyways,
it is quite easy to undo.
You have never been sleep hypnotized.
Neither of you have ever
been sleep hypnotized.
Never, ever. Hush, little baby.
Done. Done. Done.
I just had the strangest dream.
You were there, Laszlo.
And you were there, Nandor.
But we didn't know each other.
- Oh. Was I there?
- No.
Knock, knock. Sorry, I was knocking
for a while and just let myself in.
Guillermo de La Cruz.
- We know.
- No shit, Geronimo.
Oh, good. You saw my resume.
I'm here for an interview with Nandor.
I saw the ad on Craigslist.
Half-bed, no bath,
light housework required.
I think I can handle that.
So apparently, Guillermo likes to listen
to podcasts while he falls asleep.
Unfortunately for him,
he must've listened
to the Baron's hypnosis message on loop,
over and over again,
instead of his usual Real Housewives
from bumfuck wherever recap.
Oh.
- Guillermo, is it?
- Yes.
Nice to meet you.
I am Nandor. Shall we?
- Hi.
- Good luck.
And at Panera Bread, I was responsible
for closing and opening of the shop.
- Impressive.
- Thank you.
I was wondering if I
could ask you something.
Sure.
You guys are
- You know.
- What?
You guys are vampires, right?
Yes.
I knew it. That is so
awesome. I had a feeling. Just
I didn't even see your fangs until now.
That is so cool.
I know you couldn't put
that in the ad, obviously.
- Well, yeah.
- I was just I
I've always fantasized about being one.
- A vampire, that is.
- Mmm.
When I was little, I
begged my mom for a cape.
She didn't have the money for it,
but somehow she found
a way of making one.
And I put that cape on,
and I just fantasized
about what it would be like
to fly all over the world.
No one picking on you. Live forever.
I was a pretty shy kid, so I
didn't have a lot of friends.
I'm sure you can understand that.
Not really. I was rich and a jock.
Yeah. That makes sense.
But I can imagine. It must
have been very, um, hard.
It's okay.
I don't wanna jump the gun here, but
I would love to be your familiar.
- But I do wanna ask.
- Mmm.
If I
Or your familiar Whoever
you choose. It's your choice
Sure.
- did a really great job
- Mmm.
and did everything
you ever asked of them,
- would you ever
- Make you a vampire?
Yes.
I must confess, I am a little tempted
to keep Guillermo as he was the
very first time he came to me.
I will dehypnotize him later tonight.
But, for now, I will let
him have one last sleep
in his little room under the stairs.
I forgot how loudly he breathes.
So in the end, we figured
out the best solution.
Share the room.
- Share the room.
- Share the room.