Benidorm (2007) s06e04 Episode Script
Series 6, Episode 4
Oh! Hello.
What do you mean "oh"? I didn't mean "oh", I just meant "hello".
Hello.
You don't remember anything from last night, do you? No, but I wish I did.
You're so funny.
I bet you don't even remember my name.
Of course I know your name Silly! Go on, then.
What is it? Your name is .
.
not Gwen? That's right, Martin.
My name is NOT Gwen.
Sorry, I know this appears awfully rude.
I just haven't woken up properly yet.
Neither have I, but I remember: your name's Martin, you've been here for a few days with your friends, before you go to your villa in Murcia.
Do you have to go? My mum and dad will be wondering where I am.
You're on holiday with your mum and dad? Yeah.
Come and say hello to them.
By then, you might have remembered to wish me a happy birthday.
It's your birthday? Today?! Oh, my goodness! Happy birthday! Thank you! You sure you don't want to stay in bed a bit longer? I'd better go.
It's not every day a girl turns 16! Well, happy birth WHAT?! Oh-my-God, oh-my-God, oh-my-God! Well, that's the last of the sand.
Any more and the Levante beach will be borrowing bags of it from us! Yeah.
It's wonderful, isn't it?! Hmm What's wrong with you? Well, if people want the beach, they can go to the beach.
I don't see the point of it, to be honest.
And that, Lesley, is why you are staff and I am management.
To get ahead of the field, one has to have a vision for the ever-changing face of the all-inclusive.
Talking about "ever-changing face", is everything OK? What do you mean? I don't want to sound rude, but you look like you had a fight with your make-up bag and lost! I had a slight reaction to some medication I took last night.
Ah! I see.
That's why you've trowelled it on.
I tend to think "less is more" when it comes to foundation.
Thank you, Lesley, but do I look like I need make-up tips from an ageing drag queen? Oh, I see! I'm sorry.
I didn't realise that was the look you were going for.
What's going on here? Welcome to the Solana Beach, Benidorm! That's not a beach, it's a builder's yard! It's not finished yet.
Want us to set up a sun bed and a table on it for you? No, I don't.
Food here's bad enough without getting a gobful of sand in it.
Get out my way! The ever-changing face of the all-inclusive could do with a lift.
Oh! No, I meant that one.
Hey! Good luck trying to leave.
The police have got this place surrounded.
What?! Oh, my God, I had no idea how old she was! Please, you've got to believe me.
You what? I can't go to prison.
I wouldn't last a day! Locked up like a caged animal, being disowned by my family, getting raped in the showers by Mr Big.
Whoa, whoa! Calm down, pal.
It was a joke.
What? I was taking the mickey cos you were creeping about.
The police aren't outside? No.
Well, I didn't see any.
Oh, thank God! Thank God.
I shouldn't be here.
I've made a terrible misjudgment.
Yeah.
We thought about Tenerife this year.
It's probably no better, once you're there.
No, no, no, I mean, something has happened HERE, and Oh, my God.
There she is.
And that must be her father.
You're not mixed up with that lot, are you? Why? Give the one in the glasses a wide birth.
Absolute nutcase.
Oh, God Please, you have to help me.
I think this man is going to hurt me.
Should I call you an ambulance? I'm Clive Dyke, Bianca's father.
Mr Clive, I'm sorry, I didn't know your daughter was a Dyke.
What? Mr Dyke, I'm sorry, I didn't know your Clive was a minor.
I mean I call the ambulance now, yes? I'm not a miner, I'm a builder.
Listen, Bianca said that I should have a word with you.
She she did? Yeah.
Are you feeling all right? Not really, no.
We'll be round the pool.
If I don't see you this morning Well, it's a small place.
I'm sure I'll find you.
I understand.
I think he likes you.
Right, Maureen, that's you done.
Any longer under that dryer, there'll be nothing left of you.
Aw Bless! I'm every woman! It's all in me! Well, it was last night.
I tell you, that Old Town is filthy.
Ssssshhh! Is that Maureen? Yeah.
She fell asleep.
Maureen? Maureen! Hey, don't do that! You'll wake her! How long has she been like that? She's been under the dryer about half an hour.
I'll wake her up in a few minutes.
She looks so peaceful.
Yeah, a bit too peaceful.
What do you mean? What do you think I mean? I don't know.
Let's look at the evidence.
We have a pensioner under an electric dryer.
She's not moving, eyes closed, not responding to her name.
I can't see any signs of breathing.
What are you trying to say? For God's sake, what do you want? Angela Lansbury holding a rectal thermometer? She's dead! What? Look at her! Oh, my goodness! Pass that mirror.
Why? If she's dead, she won't care what her hair looks like.
To put over her mouth, dickhead, see if she's breathing.
Oh! Hello! Waaahhhhhh! What do you want?! I want to speak to you.
Get out! We're closed! You're not.
You've got a customer.
That is not a customer.
That is Liam's grandmother.
What? Now, what did you want? Don't leave me in there with her! What's wrong with you? Liam and his grandmother don't get on.
What are we gonna do? Shut up! There's a euro.
Go and play on the machines.
What machines? Just go! Oh, he is such a perfectionist.
I mean, his granny's hair is so delicate.
It's like spun gold.
He's done his best, but she's dead and lifeless.
No, the hair.
I mean the hair, the hair is dead and lifeless.
I was looking for Mateo.
I need him to set up the beach volleyball near the pool.
Oh, yeah, we saw the sand being delivered last night.
It must be to go with the cement in your make-up drawer.
Most amusing! Jose, love, large sambuca, por favor.
Ooh Anything interesting? It's Gay Derek.
Oh, tell him "bottoms up" from me! Nine down.
Who is the Greek god of music? Now, I know it's Demis Roussos, but for some reason it doesn't fit.
Apparently, Big Donna's last wish was to have her ashes scattered here in Benidorm.
Aw! Shame she didn't die a couple of weeks earlier.
We could have brought them.
Derek says the Middlesbrough Swingers' Association coffers don't run to one of them flying out with her remains.
So he's asking if he can post them to us at the Solana.
Oh, yeah, he could do that, no bother.
Expect there's rather a lot of ashes.
Well, there was rather a lot of Donna.
It's still going to cost more than £80 to send them express delivery.
Oh, 'eck! Can't they just send a couple of legs? We'll pay for it.
What?! Donna was one of the best.
It's the least we can do.
Well, if you really think so.
Oh, yes.
What a wonderful gesture, Donald.
Do you know what? I love the fact that, after all these years together, you can still surprise me.
Plus I've still got Donna's leather basque that I borrowed to wear at the MSA Christmas CookOut.
It's worth a hundred pounds, so I'm still 20 up on the deal.
Oh, lovely! Hey! You have to move from here.
We've only just got here! We are making a volleyball competition.
Volleyball, you say? Put us down.
Mr and Mrs Stewart.
YOU play volleyball? Middlesbrough mixed doubles champions 1978 to 1986.
Wow.
Jacqueline, I think it's time to pull on some Lycra.
Oh-oh-ho, yes! What are they doing now? Typical! They've made a piss-poor attempt at making a beach.
Now they're gonna play tennis on it so people can't even sunbathe.
That's a very high net for tennis.
That woman running this place is about as much use as a one-legged man in an arse-kicking competition.
Volleyball.
You what? It's not for tennis.
It's volleyball.
Did you not watch our team in the Olympics? I know someone who did.
Five days you rang in sick, to watch women's volleyball.
It's a shame a few more people aren't patriotic like me.
What does "patriotic" mean? Watching telly with the curtains shut and the door locked.
Right, I'm off to play volleyball.
I'll be on your team, son.
You're all right, I'll ask Tiger.
Aw! You're not gonna let him hang around with that hooligan, are you? Tiger's not an 'ooligan.
He's our Michael's friend.
I was talking about our Michael.
What are we going to do? We can't just leave her in there.
Shhh! I'm thinking.
Dead bodies start to smell after a bit.
This is Maureen we're talking about.
Lives alone with her six cats on the Benidorm caravan park.
Didn't exactly smell like Chanel No.
5 to start with.
More like English Channel number two.
I hope you've paid for those drinks.
I am a very successful entrepreneur.
Of course I've paid for them! Yes.
Just think how much MORE successful you'd be if your salon was ever open! We operate a strict closed-door policy.
We have a very exclusive client list who often require total anonymity.
What?! I don't call Sticky Vicky and the clown from the Benidorm Circus an exclusive client list.
We are not at liberty to discuss our clientele.
Exactly! Suffice to say, we are only 40 minutes away from the Alicante film studios.
I can say nothing more.
You've had film stars in your salon? Who? We've already said too much.
All I can say is have you ever seen the James Bond films? Course I have! Well The only clue I can give you is M.
M.
M.
Muh Moore! Moore! Roger Moore! Roger Moore isn't a woman! Judi.
I can't hear you.
Judi.
I still can't hear you.
Judi.
Judi who? Oh, for heaven's sake, Judi Dench! What is wrong with you?! I'm sorry.
Do you want to ruin our client confidentiality? No, I don't.
Listen, you can rely on me.
My late father was a handyman to the stars.
He once erected an African thatched gazebo for Bernard Manning.
Ooh! And I've kept that mum for nearly 40 years! So YOU know your secret is safe with me.
Great.
Please give our special guest my very best wishes.
Will do.
I don't mean to spoil your fun, but we still have a dead pensioner's corpse rotting under our dryer.
Jose, another round, love.
Hello.
I need a drink.
That's why I'm here.
What can I get you? Something short and strong.
How about an Angry Dwarf? Very funny! Just give me a drink, please.
Oh! An Angry Dwarf It's a shot.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Yes, yes, that'll be fine.
Friends not wi' you? No.
They were only here for the weekend.
I'm travelling on somewhere else tomorrow.
Dear God, what is that?! I told you, it's an Angry Dwarf.
No, what's in it? Oh! I can't feel my mouth.
Yeah, it's good stuff.
Do you want another? Everything OK? I've done something terrible.
And now I have to face the music.
That wasn't you singing The Frog Chorus on the karaoke last night, was it? No.
You can have a crack at it tonight.
It's a karaoke competition.
Some people may call me a monster, others may do worse, but I will NEVER be accused of being a coward.
Coward Of The County! Kenny Rogers! Brilliant! I'll put you down for that one! Eh? Everyone considered him the coward of the county Hello.
I thought you'd done a runner.
It's Martin, isn't it? Er Yes.
Yes, it is.
Sit down.
I'm Tonya.
Bianca's mother.
Hello.
Now You know why I want to talk to you, don't you? Yes.
Yes, sir, I do.
Good.
Because Bianca told me basically what you've done, but I was wondering whether you'd be willing to go into details.
What?! Unless you'd prefer not to.
I'm not proud of what I've done.
You're not? No, I'm not.
And I know it's no excuse, but I was very drunk at the time, and I can barely remember what happened.
So you have regrets about the whole thing? Of course I have regrets.
My life is in tatters! I think I've got an idea of what you're going through.
Really?! Yeah.
My business partner always had a fantasy about doing it, and then the opportunity presented itself, but he pulled out, right at the last minute, because he realised the whole thing was illegal.
How can you talk so calmly about this? Do you think you'll need a solicitor? That's entirely down to you.
What's that got to do with us? It's your villa.
I beg your pardon? How would we know if you need a solicitor? Look, I've built more houses than you've had hot dinners, but I don't know a thing about building in Spain.
You wanted to ask me about building a house in Spain? Well, Bianca said you'd done it and you wouldn't mind having a chat.
What did you think I was talking about? Drinks, anyone? Yeah, go on, then, I'll have one.
Yeah, same again.
Do you want to give me a hand, Martin? Yes.
What was all that about? I've no idea.
The man is completely deranged.
Well, you'll get on well.
What was all that about? You told me you were 16! What?! "Aren't you going to wish me a happy birthday? It's not every day a girl turns 16.
" It was a joke! Do I look 16? No, but I don't know.
I was very confused! Did you tell them we er? No, I didn't.
It's none of their business.
My dad was talking about Spanish property.
I said you built your own villa.
Oh, my God.
And now your parents think I'm some kind of pervert.
Are you saying you're not? No! I may be many things, but I am not a pervert.
Can I get you two a drink? Pint of lager, Bacardi and coke, diet coke, and? Water, please.
Still water.
That's all you're having? Yes.
I feel very sick.
Ahhh! That'll be them Angry Dwarfs you were guzzling earlier.
It's a drink! Yes! Game! Gracias! Hey, you're really good.
You're not too bad yourself.
Excuse me, boss.
Have you got a book going on this volleyball competition? We have no books.
This is a holiday resort, not a library.
Not a reading book, a gambling book.
Are you taking bets? Yeah, of course.
Are you a team? Yeah.
I give you two to one.
You're joking.
Have you seen this skinny runt? He can hardly lift his hands above his head.
Oh, thanks! You can give us better odds than that.
Two to one.
Leave it or take it.
Give us 50.
Come on! Hundred euros at two to one.
If we win, we get 200 euros plus our 100 euro stake back.
I cannot take this.
The bet is too large.
Are you wimping out on us? Oh, my God! Oh, yeah? Are you playing in fancy dress? Not fancy dress, my friend.
Anti-gravity boots.
Unless they're against the rules? No.
There are no rules.
You are playing these two guys here.
Wait a minute! This ain't fair! I want my money back.
I'm sorry.
Once a bet has been placed, money cannot be returned until you have played.
Thank you for your business.
I've got it.
Right, we borrow a mobility scooter, we pop her on it, in a big hat, we drive her across the road, and we sit her at the bus stop.
And then what? And then we leave her there.
We can't do that! Have you got a better idea? Could we not say she died in the salon? It wasn't our fault.
Oh, yeah, great idea! Come to Blow'n'Go, the only salon where you can choose which dead pensioner to sit next to! Right, you wait in there, I'll snaffle a scooter.
I'm not sitting in there with a dead body! Shhh! Keep your voice down! Do you want to ruin me? Stupid boy! I'll be back in a minute.
No, no The score is 21 to six.
How's it fair when they've got big bouncy shoes on? Did you make the rules? No! So be quiet.
Smash him in the face, Mick! What's that gonna solve? Sorry, I forgot, it's not just your teeth that are yellow.
Leave it, the pair of you.
I know whose face I'll smash in a minute.
I said pack it in! Will you all shut up? We're trying to concentrate! Come on, son! Come on.
Michael! Come on! You can do it! Sorry.
No, no, you go ahead, pal.
They're creaming us.
Not the best choice of words wi' those two, but I know what you mean.
It's only a game, Michael.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's only a game, son.
It's not, though.
It Me and Tiger bet all our holiday money on us to win.
You've got to be joking?! Who did you bet with? The barman.
Excuse me! Can I help you? I was just wondering if there's any chance of saying hello to the dame.
What dame? Dame Judi.
Oh! Oh, oh No, no, she's gone now.
No, she hasn't.
I've just seen her slippers.
Well, she doesn't like being bothered by the public.
That's why she comes to us.
I understand, but, believe me, discretion runs in my family.
My father once spent a year rebuilding Hughie Green's swimming pool, but I never heard him breathe a word about it in public.
As Hughie always said, you can't do laps in a teardrop-shaped pool.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
A quick picture? No! Spoilsport! Ha-ha-hang Hang on Hang on Hang on a minute! Yes? I could possibly get you in for a QUICK hello .
.
but there are certain protocols when it comes to celebrities.
Oh, please, I have had Christmas dinner with Kenny Lynch.
Oh.
Erm So so imagine Imagine I'm Dame Judi.
You come in and what do you say? Welcome to the Solana, Dame Judi.
Ah Erm Not bad.
I think a small curtsey might be in order.
Curtsey? She's not the Queen.
No, but she once played the Queen.
Erm Good evening, Dame Judi.
Yes Yes I think Dame Judi would be very pleased.
Well, let's go, cos I have got a hotel to run.
Ooh! Where is she? Who? Dame Judi! Oh, you've just missed her.
You're joking! I've got changed and everything.
But we do have another celebrity coming in next week.
Who is it? It's erm Ooh, let me think.
Madonna! Madonna? You are joking? Strictly entre nous! Oh! I'll make sure there's fresh flowers in reception every day! Ooh! Madonna?! I panicked.
We could always get a looky-likey.
I don't think Lesley with her hair in a top knot and ice cream cornets for tits will do.
Oh, silly boy! OK, this is the match point.
Donald and Jacqueline to serve.
Come on, son! You can win this! What do you mean, "you can win this"? We're 19 points behind.
Game! Donald and Jacqueline.
Bravo.
What do you think you're doing? He wasn't ready! Oi! Come on, play that point again.
That's not fair! Hang on a minute.
What's the matter, Mother? Where's my scooter? I'm not sure I've made a very good impression on your family.
There's still time to make a better impression.
How am I going to do that? By taking me out tonight.
Wanna go to the karaoke competition? No, I bleedin' well don't.
Last night you said we're a good match because we both appreciate the finer things in life.
Did I? I mean, yes, I did.
I do.
So where are you taking me? Benidorm doesn't have much to offer in the way of a glamorous evening.
Better get your thinking cap on, then.
Ooh, yes, where is my cap? I think I may have left it on the bar! That was a complete washout.
Cheating bastards! How much money did you lose? It doesn't matter.
I never asked you if it mattered.
I asked you how much.
How much? More than 50? A hundred.
A hundred euros? He saw you coming.
I bet they were in on it.
That barman and that freaky couple.
Where's your chap? He's not my "chap"! He's at the bar.
Bit wet behind the ears for someone his age, but he's got a few quid.
I don't care if he's "got a few quid" or not.
I said that about your father.
Even I believed it, at first.
Don't worry, son.
I'll get your money back.
I've got more tricks up my sleeve than Paul Daniels.
Who's he? In other words, as Baldrick would say, I have a cunning plan.
Who's Baldrick? Forget it.
Here you go, fella.
Same again, plus another bottle of water for yourself.
Hey.
You go steady on that stuff or you'll be getting out of hand! Mr and Mrs Stewart.
Looking very natty today! What can I get you? Thank you, Lesley.
We're celebrating, so I think we'll go for the good stuff.
Can you do two black Russians? Aye, with a couple of hours' notice and a fag break between 'em! Very good! Are you sure we can't tempt you with something a little harder, Martin? I'm fine, thanks.
Did your friends get off OK? Yes, fine, thank you.
Shame.
There's so much more of Benidorm we could've shown them.
I'm sure.
I don't suppose you know of anywhere in Benidorm I can take a young lady for quite a sophisticated evening? Sorry, I think that might have been a slightly misjudged question.
No, hang on a minute.
What about the casino? There's a casino? Oh, yes.
Just outside Benidorm.
We've never been, but we hear it's quite the place.
Donald and I don't gamble.
We once lost £11 on a fruit machine in Billingham.
Jacqueline, please! You'll trigger the flashbacks again.
Casino Yes, that sounds great.
Thanks.
I'm sure there's a leaflet in reception.
Here, you can borrow this.
It's my lucky coin! How's it lucky? I found it the night I met Jacqueline.
Surely there can't be any more luck left in this tiny coin, after that.
Have a good evening.
Thanks.
I will.
Two black Russians.
Oh, thanks, Lesley! Now, shall we take these upstairs and slip into a little something even more uncomfortable? Ooh, yes! .
.
two drifters Off to see the world There's such a lot of world to see What is he doing? I don't know.
He's not exactly Placido Flamenco, but he's never sounded as bad as this.
This is embarrassing.
I'm off for a wander.
No, you're not! I'm not sitting here on my own.
You're not on your own.
SHE'S here.
"She" is going out with her fella.
What time are you going, princess? He's not my fella.
I'm having a night out.
Listening to this, thank God! .
.
riverrrrr.
Right, I think I've made him wait long enough.
Don't do anything to make him think you're a slag.
Oh, sorry! I didn't see what you was wearing.
Anyone ever told you that you're really, really funny? Yeah, loads of people.
They lied! See you later, Momma.
Have a lovely time, princess.
.
.
heartbreaker What's she going out with that knob for? When I was your age, do you know which man I lusted after? No, and please don't tell me.
Jon Bon Jovi! No idea who that is.
Don't wanna know.
Oh, he had the most perfect lips! And his body Oh, my God, his body! Please stop talking.
And of course his voice.
Not as bad, but please wind it up.
Ohhh, I wanted to marry Jon Bon Jovi! And then I met your father.
Do you know the difference between your father and Jon Bon Jovi? From the way you've described him, they sound separated at birth! Jon Bon Jovi is what I wanted, but your father was what I needed.
Think about that.
I'll think about it, if you promise never to mention it again! Ooh! Urrrrgh! .
.
ah-ah-arr-and .
.
me-ee-ee-eee Hello.
You look radiant.
Radiant? Isn't that what you say when somebody's pregnant? No, no, it means luminous, lustrous.
Incandescent! Lovely.
You You look lovely.
Right.
So where we going? Ah-ha! THAT is a surprise.
Clive there with a fascinating rendition of Moon River.
If this were The X Factor, you'd certainly be in the judges' houses.
Mopping the floors! Now, our next competitor is Janice, singing Valerie or, should I say, Valer-ay-ay-aaaay.
Where is she? Oh! here she is.
Please give her a round of applause! Get me another drink in.
I'll need it.
Go on, Mam! Come on, Garvey! Well, sometimes I go out What did you think? Shocking, weren't it? I've heard you do it better.
I thought you'd got something trapped.
Ah! All part of my plan.
What plan? To get your money back.
Now to deploy Phase Two.
.
.
since I've come on home Well, my body's been a mess Oh, Michael, sort these songs out for me.
I've never heard of any of 'em.
No.
Don't you tell me no! I'll put you across my knee! Shut up! My mam's singing.
# .
.
of me Why don't you come on over, Valerie? Mick, find me Spanish Eyes.
Me and Mel used to do a lovely Spanish Eyes.
Can't you wait till Janice has finished? No! I want to sing next.
Well, you can't! Put your name down, wait your turn.
Will you both just shut up?! Oh, frig the lot of you! What the hell have you done that for?! I didn't do anything.
# .
.
put your house on up for sale Did you get a good lawyer? Oh, oh! Excuse me, mate.
Mum! You make me feel so young You make me feel like spring has sprung OK! What's your poison? What would you like to drink? I'll have a champagne cocktail.
Great, sounds great.
- You heard the lady.
- Two champagne cocktails! Have have you ever been to a casino before? Only in Monte Carlo.
You've been to Monte Carlo? Wow! Cool.
Cool.
With a school trip or? My ex-fiance had an apartment there.
Really? Goodness.
Two champagne cocktails.
Thank you.
That's wonderful.
I've got this voucher somewhere on my person.
Yes, here it is.
OK.
I do believe this is valid for two drinks before 9pm.
It is less than one minute before nine.
Right, just in the nick of! You're paying for our drinks with a voucher? Well, trying to! Sorry, can you read that a bit more quickly? It's just that You know? Senor, this drinks voucher is valid for any two drinks .
.
with the exception of champagne.
OK, well, these are champagne cocktails, not just champagne.
But let's not split hairs.
OK.
Erm Bianca, what other drink would you like? I want this drink.
Yes, that's fine.
I'll pay for these.
What drink will you want after that one? II don't know.
Right, well I mean, can you decide? If it's not champagne or a champagne-based drink, we may as well get it now, for free, if you hurry up.
I don't know what drink I - Fine.
Two gin and tonics, please.
Would senor like to pay for these drinks first? No, I wouldn't! I mean, yes, I'm gonna pay for them, obviously.
Can I use the voucher for the other drinks first? Other drinks, senor? I asked for two gin and tonics, paid for with the voucher.
You're stalling for time! I am sorry, senor, but this voucher is only valid before .
.
nine o'clock.
Yes, thanks.
Thanks a lot.
Thanks a bunch, pal.
Just these drinks, then, please.
That will be 28 euros, please.
No, I don't want the gin and tonics, just the champagne cocktails.
That will be 28 euros, please, senor.
I will just get your change, senor.
Yes, if you would.
Shall we get some chips? I'm not sure they do food.
Gaming chips! Oh, right.
Yes, of course.
Yeah.
I'm just waiting for my Where's he gone? Oh, he's doing this on purpose.
OK, let's forget it.
Forget about the change.
It it You know, whatever! It's not a problem.
Rubber ball, I come bouncing back to you Rubber ball, I come bouncing back to you Ah-hoo, ah-hoo! Here he comes.
Are you ready? Oh! Ready.
Excuse me! Can we have some more drinks, please? Do you want the same again? No, I think this time - Ooh, I've got it! What about this one? Near Far Wherever you are And you're here in my heart And my heart will go on Ah Oh-oh-oh Please, can I take your order, before my ears start to bleed? Oh, yeah.
I tell you what, we will have the same again.
No problem.
Listen.
I wanted to talk to you about the money my son lost with you today.
Your son lost his money.
This is the end of the story.
A bet is a bet.
What is going on? That was the setup.
Now we go in for the sting.
Bouncy, bouncy! Bouncy, bouncy! Bouncy, bouncy! Eeeee-eee! What is wrong with you? I can't stop thinking about poor Maureen.
What if she's still out on the road? This may come across as uncaring, but I don't give a shit.
Not our problem any more.
How can you be so heartless? Practice! I can't help feeling we let her down.
For God's sake, forget about it.
The woman's dead! It's not like she'll lodge an official complaint.
Yes, love? Aaaarrrrghhh! Maureen! What? Aaaaargh! I'm so sorry, boys, I didn't mean to startle you.
I just want to pay for my shampoo and set.
You what? I must have fallen asleep in the salon.
over the weekend, isn't it? Oh, do you know, it's terrible.
I'm getting so forgetful.
I can't remember leaving.
I knew I hadn't paid you, cos the money was still in my purse.
Mind you, swings and roundabouts.
I lost my mobility scooter last year but it turned up again.
Really? It's no wonder I couldn't find it for so long.
I swore, when I bought it, it was red.
See you next week! Oh, oh! Oh, my God, I shit myself.
Did you get some chips? I certainly did.
Wooo-hoooo! My grandma always said, "Two bites of the cherry is better than one.
" Red or black? Not cherries.
I mean, on the roulette.
I really don't mind.
Er So tell me a little more about yourself.
What do you want to know that I didn't tell you last night? As you know, I did get a little bit tipsy last night, so er I don't know anything about you.
I'm 23.
Phew! I'm a beauty therapist.
Of course.
But of course you are.
Numero cuatro, negro.
Bugger! Only one left.
Red or black? You don't remember any of the conversations we had? Er Not in the true sense of the word.
So you don't remember inviting me to your villa tomorrow? Hagan sus apuestas.
Oh God Red or black? Red or black? Ermmm Sorry.
You were saying? Your villa.
Ah! Yeah.
I'll have to check with my mother.
Your mother? Yeah.
It's my mother's villa.
I'm going to visit her.
She can be a little spiky with people she doesn't know.
You said it was your villa.
Did I? Oh, dear, I can get a little carried away.
I blame the drink.
No va mas.
Treinta y cinco, negro.
Yes! Argh! Oh, my God! I'm I'm so sorry.
Please let me help you up.
Get off me! I said get off me! I'm sorry.
How about I cash in and we grab a bite to eat? Cash in? You've won ten euros! Oh, look, you're soaking.
Leave me alone! Do me a favour, Martin.
Take your ten euros and go back to your mother, where you belong.
Bianca? Bianca! Oh, bum sticks! If it hadn't been for Cotton-Eye Joe I'd been married a long time ago Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, Cotton-Eye Joe? Our very own Lesley with Cotton-Eye Joe.
Well, the competition's really hotting up.
You're all rubbish, but there's a lot of you! The thing is, the way they won the volleyball just wasn't very fair.
Nobody said anything about rules.
As I told you, a bet is a bet.
OK, what about one last bet? You want to play volleyball? No.
We get our hundred euros back if my son wins the karaoke.
And if he loses? You get another hundred.
No, but I will make it 200 if your wife wins! OK.
Wait a minute.
Which one is your wife? OK, last on the karaoke we have Tonya.
Where are you, Tonya? Ah, there we are.
The one I've been sitting next to all night.
Sorry if it's confusing.
Then, my friend, you have a bet.
Who tickled your fancy? You look like the cat who got the cream.
Let us just say I have had a very, very lucky day.
I don't wanna talk About things we've gone through Though it's hurting me Now it's history I've played all my cards Excuse me.
Senor! Would you like something else? What have you got? I could do with a life.
How about some dignity? Or maybe even a little bit of luck? Senor, you are in a casino.
There is only one winner here.
You can say that again.
I was in your arms Thinking I belonged there I figured it made sense Building me a fence Building me a home Thinking I'd be strong there But I was a fool Playing by the rules The gods may throw the dice Their minds as cold as ice And someone way down here Loses someone dear The winner takes it all The winner takes it ah-ah-ah-oh-oh-oh-all The winner takes it all Whoa, oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh, oh Oh my God.
Ah-ah, ah-ah, ahhhhh! Whoa, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, ooh, ooh The winner takes it all Ohhhhhh.
.
.
oh! Oh, thank you!
What do you mean "oh"? I didn't mean "oh", I just meant "hello".
Hello.
You don't remember anything from last night, do you? No, but I wish I did.
You're so funny.
I bet you don't even remember my name.
Of course I know your name Silly! Go on, then.
What is it? Your name is .
.
not Gwen? That's right, Martin.
My name is NOT Gwen.
Sorry, I know this appears awfully rude.
I just haven't woken up properly yet.
Neither have I, but I remember: your name's Martin, you've been here for a few days with your friends, before you go to your villa in Murcia.
Do you have to go? My mum and dad will be wondering where I am.
You're on holiday with your mum and dad? Yeah.
Come and say hello to them.
By then, you might have remembered to wish me a happy birthday.
It's your birthday? Today?! Oh, my goodness! Happy birthday! Thank you! You sure you don't want to stay in bed a bit longer? I'd better go.
It's not every day a girl turns 16! Well, happy birth WHAT?! Oh-my-God, oh-my-God, oh-my-God! Well, that's the last of the sand.
Any more and the Levante beach will be borrowing bags of it from us! Yeah.
It's wonderful, isn't it?! Hmm What's wrong with you? Well, if people want the beach, they can go to the beach.
I don't see the point of it, to be honest.
And that, Lesley, is why you are staff and I am management.
To get ahead of the field, one has to have a vision for the ever-changing face of the all-inclusive.
Talking about "ever-changing face", is everything OK? What do you mean? I don't want to sound rude, but you look like you had a fight with your make-up bag and lost! I had a slight reaction to some medication I took last night.
Ah! I see.
That's why you've trowelled it on.
I tend to think "less is more" when it comes to foundation.
Thank you, Lesley, but do I look like I need make-up tips from an ageing drag queen? Oh, I see! I'm sorry.
I didn't realise that was the look you were going for.
What's going on here? Welcome to the Solana Beach, Benidorm! That's not a beach, it's a builder's yard! It's not finished yet.
Want us to set up a sun bed and a table on it for you? No, I don't.
Food here's bad enough without getting a gobful of sand in it.
Get out my way! The ever-changing face of the all-inclusive could do with a lift.
Oh! No, I meant that one.
Hey! Good luck trying to leave.
The police have got this place surrounded.
What?! Oh, my God, I had no idea how old she was! Please, you've got to believe me.
You what? I can't go to prison.
I wouldn't last a day! Locked up like a caged animal, being disowned by my family, getting raped in the showers by Mr Big.
Whoa, whoa! Calm down, pal.
It was a joke.
What? I was taking the mickey cos you were creeping about.
The police aren't outside? No.
Well, I didn't see any.
Oh, thank God! Thank God.
I shouldn't be here.
I've made a terrible misjudgment.
Yeah.
We thought about Tenerife this year.
It's probably no better, once you're there.
No, no, no, I mean, something has happened HERE, and Oh, my God.
There she is.
And that must be her father.
You're not mixed up with that lot, are you? Why? Give the one in the glasses a wide birth.
Absolute nutcase.
Oh, God Please, you have to help me.
I think this man is going to hurt me.
Should I call you an ambulance? I'm Clive Dyke, Bianca's father.
Mr Clive, I'm sorry, I didn't know your daughter was a Dyke.
What? Mr Dyke, I'm sorry, I didn't know your Clive was a minor.
I mean I call the ambulance now, yes? I'm not a miner, I'm a builder.
Listen, Bianca said that I should have a word with you.
She she did? Yeah.
Are you feeling all right? Not really, no.
We'll be round the pool.
If I don't see you this morning Well, it's a small place.
I'm sure I'll find you.
I understand.
I think he likes you.
Right, Maureen, that's you done.
Any longer under that dryer, there'll be nothing left of you.
Aw Bless! I'm every woman! It's all in me! Well, it was last night.
I tell you, that Old Town is filthy.
Ssssshhh! Is that Maureen? Yeah.
She fell asleep.
Maureen? Maureen! Hey, don't do that! You'll wake her! How long has she been like that? She's been under the dryer about half an hour.
I'll wake her up in a few minutes.
She looks so peaceful.
Yeah, a bit too peaceful.
What do you mean? What do you think I mean? I don't know.
Let's look at the evidence.
We have a pensioner under an electric dryer.
She's not moving, eyes closed, not responding to her name.
I can't see any signs of breathing.
What are you trying to say? For God's sake, what do you want? Angela Lansbury holding a rectal thermometer? She's dead! What? Look at her! Oh, my goodness! Pass that mirror.
Why? If she's dead, she won't care what her hair looks like.
To put over her mouth, dickhead, see if she's breathing.
Oh! Hello! Waaahhhhhh! What do you want?! I want to speak to you.
Get out! We're closed! You're not.
You've got a customer.
That is not a customer.
That is Liam's grandmother.
What? Now, what did you want? Don't leave me in there with her! What's wrong with you? Liam and his grandmother don't get on.
What are we gonna do? Shut up! There's a euro.
Go and play on the machines.
What machines? Just go! Oh, he is such a perfectionist.
I mean, his granny's hair is so delicate.
It's like spun gold.
He's done his best, but she's dead and lifeless.
No, the hair.
I mean the hair, the hair is dead and lifeless.
I was looking for Mateo.
I need him to set up the beach volleyball near the pool.
Oh, yeah, we saw the sand being delivered last night.
It must be to go with the cement in your make-up drawer.
Most amusing! Jose, love, large sambuca, por favor.
Ooh Anything interesting? It's Gay Derek.
Oh, tell him "bottoms up" from me! Nine down.
Who is the Greek god of music? Now, I know it's Demis Roussos, but for some reason it doesn't fit.
Apparently, Big Donna's last wish was to have her ashes scattered here in Benidorm.
Aw! Shame she didn't die a couple of weeks earlier.
We could have brought them.
Derek says the Middlesbrough Swingers' Association coffers don't run to one of them flying out with her remains.
So he's asking if he can post them to us at the Solana.
Oh, yeah, he could do that, no bother.
Expect there's rather a lot of ashes.
Well, there was rather a lot of Donna.
It's still going to cost more than £80 to send them express delivery.
Oh, 'eck! Can't they just send a couple of legs? We'll pay for it.
What?! Donna was one of the best.
It's the least we can do.
Well, if you really think so.
Oh, yes.
What a wonderful gesture, Donald.
Do you know what? I love the fact that, after all these years together, you can still surprise me.
Plus I've still got Donna's leather basque that I borrowed to wear at the MSA Christmas CookOut.
It's worth a hundred pounds, so I'm still 20 up on the deal.
Oh, lovely! Hey! You have to move from here.
We've only just got here! We are making a volleyball competition.
Volleyball, you say? Put us down.
Mr and Mrs Stewart.
YOU play volleyball? Middlesbrough mixed doubles champions 1978 to 1986.
Wow.
Jacqueline, I think it's time to pull on some Lycra.
Oh-oh-ho, yes! What are they doing now? Typical! They've made a piss-poor attempt at making a beach.
Now they're gonna play tennis on it so people can't even sunbathe.
That's a very high net for tennis.
That woman running this place is about as much use as a one-legged man in an arse-kicking competition.
Volleyball.
You what? It's not for tennis.
It's volleyball.
Did you not watch our team in the Olympics? I know someone who did.
Five days you rang in sick, to watch women's volleyball.
It's a shame a few more people aren't patriotic like me.
What does "patriotic" mean? Watching telly with the curtains shut and the door locked.
Right, I'm off to play volleyball.
I'll be on your team, son.
You're all right, I'll ask Tiger.
Aw! You're not gonna let him hang around with that hooligan, are you? Tiger's not an 'ooligan.
He's our Michael's friend.
I was talking about our Michael.
What are we going to do? We can't just leave her in there.
Shhh! I'm thinking.
Dead bodies start to smell after a bit.
This is Maureen we're talking about.
Lives alone with her six cats on the Benidorm caravan park.
Didn't exactly smell like Chanel No.
5 to start with.
More like English Channel number two.
I hope you've paid for those drinks.
I am a very successful entrepreneur.
Of course I've paid for them! Yes.
Just think how much MORE successful you'd be if your salon was ever open! We operate a strict closed-door policy.
We have a very exclusive client list who often require total anonymity.
What?! I don't call Sticky Vicky and the clown from the Benidorm Circus an exclusive client list.
We are not at liberty to discuss our clientele.
Exactly! Suffice to say, we are only 40 minutes away from the Alicante film studios.
I can say nothing more.
You've had film stars in your salon? Who? We've already said too much.
All I can say is have you ever seen the James Bond films? Course I have! Well The only clue I can give you is M.
M.
M.
Muh Moore! Moore! Roger Moore! Roger Moore isn't a woman! Judi.
I can't hear you.
Judi.
I still can't hear you.
Judi.
Judi who? Oh, for heaven's sake, Judi Dench! What is wrong with you?! I'm sorry.
Do you want to ruin our client confidentiality? No, I don't.
Listen, you can rely on me.
My late father was a handyman to the stars.
He once erected an African thatched gazebo for Bernard Manning.
Ooh! And I've kept that mum for nearly 40 years! So YOU know your secret is safe with me.
Great.
Please give our special guest my very best wishes.
Will do.
I don't mean to spoil your fun, but we still have a dead pensioner's corpse rotting under our dryer.
Jose, another round, love.
Hello.
I need a drink.
That's why I'm here.
What can I get you? Something short and strong.
How about an Angry Dwarf? Very funny! Just give me a drink, please.
Oh! An Angry Dwarf It's a shot.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Yes, yes, that'll be fine.
Friends not wi' you? No.
They were only here for the weekend.
I'm travelling on somewhere else tomorrow.
Dear God, what is that?! I told you, it's an Angry Dwarf.
No, what's in it? Oh! I can't feel my mouth.
Yeah, it's good stuff.
Do you want another? Everything OK? I've done something terrible.
And now I have to face the music.
That wasn't you singing The Frog Chorus on the karaoke last night, was it? No.
You can have a crack at it tonight.
It's a karaoke competition.
Some people may call me a monster, others may do worse, but I will NEVER be accused of being a coward.
Coward Of The County! Kenny Rogers! Brilliant! I'll put you down for that one! Eh? Everyone considered him the coward of the county Hello.
I thought you'd done a runner.
It's Martin, isn't it? Er Yes.
Yes, it is.
Sit down.
I'm Tonya.
Bianca's mother.
Hello.
Now You know why I want to talk to you, don't you? Yes.
Yes, sir, I do.
Good.
Because Bianca told me basically what you've done, but I was wondering whether you'd be willing to go into details.
What?! Unless you'd prefer not to.
I'm not proud of what I've done.
You're not? No, I'm not.
And I know it's no excuse, but I was very drunk at the time, and I can barely remember what happened.
So you have regrets about the whole thing? Of course I have regrets.
My life is in tatters! I think I've got an idea of what you're going through.
Really?! Yeah.
My business partner always had a fantasy about doing it, and then the opportunity presented itself, but he pulled out, right at the last minute, because he realised the whole thing was illegal.
How can you talk so calmly about this? Do you think you'll need a solicitor? That's entirely down to you.
What's that got to do with us? It's your villa.
I beg your pardon? How would we know if you need a solicitor? Look, I've built more houses than you've had hot dinners, but I don't know a thing about building in Spain.
You wanted to ask me about building a house in Spain? Well, Bianca said you'd done it and you wouldn't mind having a chat.
What did you think I was talking about? Drinks, anyone? Yeah, go on, then, I'll have one.
Yeah, same again.
Do you want to give me a hand, Martin? Yes.
What was all that about? I've no idea.
The man is completely deranged.
Well, you'll get on well.
What was all that about? You told me you were 16! What?! "Aren't you going to wish me a happy birthday? It's not every day a girl turns 16.
" It was a joke! Do I look 16? No, but I don't know.
I was very confused! Did you tell them we er? No, I didn't.
It's none of their business.
My dad was talking about Spanish property.
I said you built your own villa.
Oh, my God.
And now your parents think I'm some kind of pervert.
Are you saying you're not? No! I may be many things, but I am not a pervert.
Can I get you two a drink? Pint of lager, Bacardi and coke, diet coke, and? Water, please.
Still water.
That's all you're having? Yes.
I feel very sick.
Ahhh! That'll be them Angry Dwarfs you were guzzling earlier.
It's a drink! Yes! Game! Gracias! Hey, you're really good.
You're not too bad yourself.
Excuse me, boss.
Have you got a book going on this volleyball competition? We have no books.
This is a holiday resort, not a library.
Not a reading book, a gambling book.
Are you taking bets? Yeah, of course.
Are you a team? Yeah.
I give you two to one.
You're joking.
Have you seen this skinny runt? He can hardly lift his hands above his head.
Oh, thanks! You can give us better odds than that.
Two to one.
Leave it or take it.
Give us 50.
Come on! Hundred euros at two to one.
If we win, we get 200 euros plus our 100 euro stake back.
I cannot take this.
The bet is too large.
Are you wimping out on us? Oh, my God! Oh, yeah? Are you playing in fancy dress? Not fancy dress, my friend.
Anti-gravity boots.
Unless they're against the rules? No.
There are no rules.
You are playing these two guys here.
Wait a minute! This ain't fair! I want my money back.
I'm sorry.
Once a bet has been placed, money cannot be returned until you have played.
Thank you for your business.
I've got it.
Right, we borrow a mobility scooter, we pop her on it, in a big hat, we drive her across the road, and we sit her at the bus stop.
And then what? And then we leave her there.
We can't do that! Have you got a better idea? Could we not say she died in the salon? It wasn't our fault.
Oh, yeah, great idea! Come to Blow'n'Go, the only salon where you can choose which dead pensioner to sit next to! Right, you wait in there, I'll snaffle a scooter.
I'm not sitting in there with a dead body! Shhh! Keep your voice down! Do you want to ruin me? Stupid boy! I'll be back in a minute.
No, no The score is 21 to six.
How's it fair when they've got big bouncy shoes on? Did you make the rules? No! So be quiet.
Smash him in the face, Mick! What's that gonna solve? Sorry, I forgot, it's not just your teeth that are yellow.
Leave it, the pair of you.
I know whose face I'll smash in a minute.
I said pack it in! Will you all shut up? We're trying to concentrate! Come on, son! Come on.
Michael! Come on! You can do it! Sorry.
No, no, you go ahead, pal.
They're creaming us.
Not the best choice of words wi' those two, but I know what you mean.
It's only a game, Michael.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's only a game, son.
It's not, though.
It Me and Tiger bet all our holiday money on us to win.
You've got to be joking?! Who did you bet with? The barman.
Excuse me! Can I help you? I was just wondering if there's any chance of saying hello to the dame.
What dame? Dame Judi.
Oh! Oh, oh No, no, she's gone now.
No, she hasn't.
I've just seen her slippers.
Well, she doesn't like being bothered by the public.
That's why she comes to us.
I understand, but, believe me, discretion runs in my family.
My father once spent a year rebuilding Hughie Green's swimming pool, but I never heard him breathe a word about it in public.
As Hughie always said, you can't do laps in a teardrop-shaped pool.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
A quick picture? No! Spoilsport! Ha-ha-hang Hang on Hang on Hang on a minute! Yes? I could possibly get you in for a QUICK hello .
.
but there are certain protocols when it comes to celebrities.
Oh, please, I have had Christmas dinner with Kenny Lynch.
Oh.
Erm So so imagine Imagine I'm Dame Judi.
You come in and what do you say? Welcome to the Solana, Dame Judi.
Ah Erm Not bad.
I think a small curtsey might be in order.
Curtsey? She's not the Queen.
No, but she once played the Queen.
Erm Good evening, Dame Judi.
Yes Yes I think Dame Judi would be very pleased.
Well, let's go, cos I have got a hotel to run.
Ooh! Where is she? Who? Dame Judi! Oh, you've just missed her.
You're joking! I've got changed and everything.
But we do have another celebrity coming in next week.
Who is it? It's erm Ooh, let me think.
Madonna! Madonna? You are joking? Strictly entre nous! Oh! I'll make sure there's fresh flowers in reception every day! Ooh! Madonna?! I panicked.
We could always get a looky-likey.
I don't think Lesley with her hair in a top knot and ice cream cornets for tits will do.
Oh, silly boy! OK, this is the match point.
Donald and Jacqueline to serve.
Come on, son! You can win this! What do you mean, "you can win this"? We're 19 points behind.
Game! Donald and Jacqueline.
Bravo.
What do you think you're doing? He wasn't ready! Oi! Come on, play that point again.
That's not fair! Hang on a minute.
What's the matter, Mother? Where's my scooter? I'm not sure I've made a very good impression on your family.
There's still time to make a better impression.
How am I going to do that? By taking me out tonight.
Wanna go to the karaoke competition? No, I bleedin' well don't.
Last night you said we're a good match because we both appreciate the finer things in life.
Did I? I mean, yes, I did.
I do.
So where are you taking me? Benidorm doesn't have much to offer in the way of a glamorous evening.
Better get your thinking cap on, then.
Ooh, yes, where is my cap? I think I may have left it on the bar! That was a complete washout.
Cheating bastards! How much money did you lose? It doesn't matter.
I never asked you if it mattered.
I asked you how much.
How much? More than 50? A hundred.
A hundred euros? He saw you coming.
I bet they were in on it.
That barman and that freaky couple.
Where's your chap? He's not my "chap"! He's at the bar.
Bit wet behind the ears for someone his age, but he's got a few quid.
I don't care if he's "got a few quid" or not.
I said that about your father.
Even I believed it, at first.
Don't worry, son.
I'll get your money back.
I've got more tricks up my sleeve than Paul Daniels.
Who's he? In other words, as Baldrick would say, I have a cunning plan.
Who's Baldrick? Forget it.
Here you go, fella.
Same again, plus another bottle of water for yourself.
Hey.
You go steady on that stuff or you'll be getting out of hand! Mr and Mrs Stewart.
Looking very natty today! What can I get you? Thank you, Lesley.
We're celebrating, so I think we'll go for the good stuff.
Can you do two black Russians? Aye, with a couple of hours' notice and a fag break between 'em! Very good! Are you sure we can't tempt you with something a little harder, Martin? I'm fine, thanks.
Did your friends get off OK? Yes, fine, thank you.
Shame.
There's so much more of Benidorm we could've shown them.
I'm sure.
I don't suppose you know of anywhere in Benidorm I can take a young lady for quite a sophisticated evening? Sorry, I think that might have been a slightly misjudged question.
No, hang on a minute.
What about the casino? There's a casino? Oh, yes.
Just outside Benidorm.
We've never been, but we hear it's quite the place.
Donald and I don't gamble.
We once lost £11 on a fruit machine in Billingham.
Jacqueline, please! You'll trigger the flashbacks again.
Casino Yes, that sounds great.
Thanks.
I'm sure there's a leaflet in reception.
Here, you can borrow this.
It's my lucky coin! How's it lucky? I found it the night I met Jacqueline.
Surely there can't be any more luck left in this tiny coin, after that.
Have a good evening.
Thanks.
I will.
Two black Russians.
Oh, thanks, Lesley! Now, shall we take these upstairs and slip into a little something even more uncomfortable? Ooh, yes! .
.
two drifters Off to see the world There's such a lot of world to see What is he doing? I don't know.
He's not exactly Placido Flamenco, but he's never sounded as bad as this.
This is embarrassing.
I'm off for a wander.
No, you're not! I'm not sitting here on my own.
You're not on your own.
SHE'S here.
"She" is going out with her fella.
What time are you going, princess? He's not my fella.
I'm having a night out.
Listening to this, thank God! .
.
riverrrrr.
Right, I think I've made him wait long enough.
Don't do anything to make him think you're a slag.
Oh, sorry! I didn't see what you was wearing.
Anyone ever told you that you're really, really funny? Yeah, loads of people.
They lied! See you later, Momma.
Have a lovely time, princess.
.
.
heartbreaker What's she going out with that knob for? When I was your age, do you know which man I lusted after? No, and please don't tell me.
Jon Bon Jovi! No idea who that is.
Don't wanna know.
Oh, he had the most perfect lips! And his body Oh, my God, his body! Please stop talking.
And of course his voice.
Not as bad, but please wind it up.
Ohhh, I wanted to marry Jon Bon Jovi! And then I met your father.
Do you know the difference between your father and Jon Bon Jovi? From the way you've described him, they sound separated at birth! Jon Bon Jovi is what I wanted, but your father was what I needed.
Think about that.
I'll think about it, if you promise never to mention it again! Ooh! Urrrrgh! .
.
ah-ah-arr-and .
.
me-ee-ee-eee Hello.
You look radiant.
Radiant? Isn't that what you say when somebody's pregnant? No, no, it means luminous, lustrous.
Incandescent! Lovely.
You You look lovely.
Right.
So where we going? Ah-ha! THAT is a surprise.
Clive there with a fascinating rendition of Moon River.
If this were The X Factor, you'd certainly be in the judges' houses.
Mopping the floors! Now, our next competitor is Janice, singing Valerie or, should I say, Valer-ay-ay-aaaay.
Where is she? Oh! here she is.
Please give her a round of applause! Get me another drink in.
I'll need it.
Go on, Mam! Come on, Garvey! Well, sometimes I go out What did you think? Shocking, weren't it? I've heard you do it better.
I thought you'd got something trapped.
Ah! All part of my plan.
What plan? To get your money back.
Now to deploy Phase Two.
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since I've come on home Well, my body's been a mess Oh, Michael, sort these songs out for me.
I've never heard of any of 'em.
No.
Don't you tell me no! I'll put you across my knee! Shut up! My mam's singing.
# .
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of me Why don't you come on over, Valerie? Mick, find me Spanish Eyes.
Me and Mel used to do a lovely Spanish Eyes.
Can't you wait till Janice has finished? No! I want to sing next.
Well, you can't! Put your name down, wait your turn.
Will you both just shut up?! Oh, frig the lot of you! What the hell have you done that for?! I didn't do anything.
# .
.
put your house on up for sale Did you get a good lawyer? Oh, oh! Excuse me, mate.
Mum! You make me feel so young You make me feel like spring has sprung OK! What's your poison? What would you like to drink? I'll have a champagne cocktail.
Great, sounds great.
- You heard the lady.
- Two champagne cocktails! Have have you ever been to a casino before? Only in Monte Carlo.
You've been to Monte Carlo? Wow! Cool.
Cool.
With a school trip or? My ex-fiance had an apartment there.
Really? Goodness.
Two champagne cocktails.
Thank you.
That's wonderful.
I've got this voucher somewhere on my person.
Yes, here it is.
OK.
I do believe this is valid for two drinks before 9pm.
It is less than one minute before nine.
Right, just in the nick of! You're paying for our drinks with a voucher? Well, trying to! Sorry, can you read that a bit more quickly? It's just that You know? Senor, this drinks voucher is valid for any two drinks .
.
with the exception of champagne.
OK, well, these are champagne cocktails, not just champagne.
But let's not split hairs.
OK.
Erm Bianca, what other drink would you like? I want this drink.
Yes, that's fine.
I'll pay for these.
What drink will you want after that one? II don't know.
Right, well I mean, can you decide? If it's not champagne or a champagne-based drink, we may as well get it now, for free, if you hurry up.
I don't know what drink I - Fine.
Two gin and tonics, please.
Would senor like to pay for these drinks first? No, I wouldn't! I mean, yes, I'm gonna pay for them, obviously.
Can I use the voucher for the other drinks first? Other drinks, senor? I asked for two gin and tonics, paid for with the voucher.
You're stalling for time! I am sorry, senor, but this voucher is only valid before .
.
nine o'clock.
Yes, thanks.
Thanks a lot.
Thanks a bunch, pal.
Just these drinks, then, please.
That will be 28 euros, please.
No, I don't want the gin and tonics, just the champagne cocktails.
That will be 28 euros, please, senor.
I will just get your change, senor.
Yes, if you would.
Shall we get some chips? I'm not sure they do food.
Gaming chips! Oh, right.
Yes, of course.
Yeah.
I'm just waiting for my Where's he gone? Oh, he's doing this on purpose.
OK, let's forget it.
Forget about the change.
It it You know, whatever! It's not a problem.
Rubber ball, I come bouncing back to you Rubber ball, I come bouncing back to you Ah-hoo, ah-hoo! Here he comes.
Are you ready? Oh! Ready.
Excuse me! Can we have some more drinks, please? Do you want the same again? No, I think this time - Ooh, I've got it! What about this one? Near Far Wherever you are And you're here in my heart And my heart will go on Ah Oh-oh-oh Please, can I take your order, before my ears start to bleed? Oh, yeah.
I tell you what, we will have the same again.
No problem.
Listen.
I wanted to talk to you about the money my son lost with you today.
Your son lost his money.
This is the end of the story.
A bet is a bet.
What is going on? That was the setup.
Now we go in for the sting.
Bouncy, bouncy! Bouncy, bouncy! Bouncy, bouncy! Eeeee-eee! What is wrong with you? I can't stop thinking about poor Maureen.
What if she's still out on the road? This may come across as uncaring, but I don't give a shit.
Not our problem any more.
How can you be so heartless? Practice! I can't help feeling we let her down.
For God's sake, forget about it.
The woman's dead! It's not like she'll lodge an official complaint.
Yes, love? Aaaarrrrghhh! Maureen! What? Aaaaargh! I'm so sorry, boys, I didn't mean to startle you.
I just want to pay for my shampoo and set.
You what? I must have fallen asleep in the salon.
over the weekend, isn't it? Oh, do you know, it's terrible.
I'm getting so forgetful.
I can't remember leaving.
I knew I hadn't paid you, cos the money was still in my purse.
Mind you, swings and roundabouts.
I lost my mobility scooter last year but it turned up again.
Really? It's no wonder I couldn't find it for so long.
I swore, when I bought it, it was red.
See you next week! Oh, oh! Oh, my God, I shit myself.
Did you get some chips? I certainly did.
Wooo-hoooo! My grandma always said, "Two bites of the cherry is better than one.
" Red or black? Not cherries.
I mean, on the roulette.
I really don't mind.
Er So tell me a little more about yourself.
What do you want to know that I didn't tell you last night? As you know, I did get a little bit tipsy last night, so er I don't know anything about you.
I'm 23.
Phew! I'm a beauty therapist.
Of course.
But of course you are.
Numero cuatro, negro.
Bugger! Only one left.
Red or black? You don't remember any of the conversations we had? Er Not in the true sense of the word.
So you don't remember inviting me to your villa tomorrow? Hagan sus apuestas.
Oh God Red or black? Red or black? Ermmm Sorry.
You were saying? Your villa.
Ah! Yeah.
I'll have to check with my mother.
Your mother? Yeah.
It's my mother's villa.
I'm going to visit her.
She can be a little spiky with people she doesn't know.
You said it was your villa.
Did I? Oh, dear, I can get a little carried away.
I blame the drink.
No va mas.
Treinta y cinco, negro.
Yes! Argh! Oh, my God! I'm I'm so sorry.
Please let me help you up.
Get off me! I said get off me! I'm sorry.
How about I cash in and we grab a bite to eat? Cash in? You've won ten euros! Oh, look, you're soaking.
Leave me alone! Do me a favour, Martin.
Take your ten euros and go back to your mother, where you belong.
Bianca? Bianca! Oh, bum sticks! If it hadn't been for Cotton-Eye Joe I'd been married a long time ago Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, Cotton-Eye Joe? Our very own Lesley with Cotton-Eye Joe.
Well, the competition's really hotting up.
You're all rubbish, but there's a lot of you! The thing is, the way they won the volleyball just wasn't very fair.
Nobody said anything about rules.
As I told you, a bet is a bet.
OK, what about one last bet? You want to play volleyball? No.
We get our hundred euros back if my son wins the karaoke.
And if he loses? You get another hundred.
No, but I will make it 200 if your wife wins! OK.
Wait a minute.
Which one is your wife? OK, last on the karaoke we have Tonya.
Where are you, Tonya? Ah, there we are.
The one I've been sitting next to all night.
Sorry if it's confusing.
Then, my friend, you have a bet.
Who tickled your fancy? You look like the cat who got the cream.
Let us just say I have had a very, very lucky day.
I don't wanna talk About things we've gone through Though it's hurting me Now it's history I've played all my cards Excuse me.
Senor! Would you like something else? What have you got? I could do with a life.
How about some dignity? Or maybe even a little bit of luck? Senor, you are in a casino.
There is only one winner here.
You can say that again.
I was in your arms Thinking I belonged there I figured it made sense Building me a fence Building me a home Thinking I'd be strong there But I was a fool Playing by the rules The gods may throw the dice Their minds as cold as ice And someone way down here Loses someone dear The winner takes it all The winner takes it ah-ah-ah-oh-oh-oh-all The winner takes it all Whoa, oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh, oh Oh my God.
Ah-ah, ah-ah, ahhhhh! Whoa, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, ooh, ooh The winner takes it all Ohhhhhh.
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oh! Oh, thank you!