Big Mouth (2017) s06e04 Episode Script

1
[moaning]
Morning, Mayor McDreamy.
Oh my. Did we just sleep together?
Yeah. You, uh, conked out
explaining Regarding Henry to me,
but I kept FaceTime on
because the sound of your night farts
were so rhythmic and comforting.
Oh. [farts]
Ooh, isn't this domestic bliss lovely,
Maurice?
Disgusting, but lovely.
Yeah, it's fucking charming.
Oof, this kid has his hoof
right on my crap sack.
[grunts]
Yes!
Oh, Bernie.
I wanna spoon-feed you
my herring with cream sauce.
-[laughs]
-Yes, I do.
-Andrew, you're gonna be late for school.
-Morning, Mrs. Glouberman.
Oh, you look stunning today.
Oh, Bernadette, you're a child
and know nothing, but I'll take it.
Where do you think you're going looking
like a painted and powdered jezebel?
I told you. I'm taking over as president
for the temple's Hadassah women's group.
That's today?
Who's gonna watch me watch the Knicks
and complain about all the dribbling?
That's why I gave you a son.
You call that a son?
He's deep-throating his herring right now.
You know, it's incredible
Andrew's even capable of love,
having sprung
from this shouting maniac's angry loins.
There's still love in this house.
And who in God's great ass are you?
I'm Marty's Lovebug. [gasps]
I've been slowly dying for years.
[groans]
[gasps] But I'm not dead yet.
Right, Marty?
Oh, shut up, or I swear to God,
I'll take a pillow to your face.
I'm going through changes ♪
I'm going through changes ♪
Oh, in my life ♪
Oh, ooh, ooh ♪
-[laughing]
-[Devon grunts]
Come on, Gogurt, quit hiding in the back!
Coach Steve, you gotta call this game.
-It's been going on for, like, two hours.
-I don't make the rules.
You gotta blame Vince Vaughn
Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story.
Maury, don't take this the wrong way,
but you're the size of a fucking house.
When are you due again?
A couple weeks,
but there's still so much I need to get.
A car seat, breast pump,
dick pump, milking buckets.
Maybe one of your friends
should throw you a baby shower.
-Oh my God, Matt, you'd do that for me?
-[Matt] Mm
Can we have the shower
at Marie Callender's?
Oh, well, you know,
I don't know your friends.
Uh, also, I don't wanna do it.
-I get it, man. I totally get it.
-Thank you, Maury.
You want someone to help you,
because these things are so much easier
when you're forcibly paired
with someone you barely know.
And I've got the perfect guy.
Hey, man, you better have a credit card
'cause I ate all my money.
What happened to your face and body?
Hard living and good times, brother.
Hey, guys. Real talk for a sec?
As much as it pains me to say this,
I don't think we should invite Connie
to the baby shower.
-Who's Connie?
-Who's Ronnie?
She's the mother, Rick.
You've known her for 30 million years.
And unfortunately, she doesn't want
anything to do with the baby,
so I don't think she should be there.
Oh shit, drama.
Obama!
[scoffs] Look at that fat fuck.
I should have crushed up a Plan B
in his calzone when I had the chance.
-Huh, that's weird.
-No, it's not.
A calzone is the perfect food
to hide an abortion pill in.
Oh no, it's
It's this text from my mom is weird.
She says she's picking me up after school,
and she has a surprise for me.
Maybe she grew two feet taller,
and now she's seven-foot-four.
-That would be a surprise.
-I am here for tall Shannon.
Oh, did Devon try that trick yet?
The one where
you throw one ball up in the air
and then throw another one really hard,
right at him.
Oh, hours ago, sweetheart.
I'm telling you the kid's spine
is made of string cheese.
You can't hit him.
If you guys are super bored, you should do
this test me and my friends are doing.
I don't know. That sounds like school.
[chuckles] Oh no, this one's called
the Rice Purity Test.
It's a list of 100 naughty things,
and you check off
all the ones you've done.
Sounds erotic and time-consuming.
Send it over.
-[phone bloops]
-Um, did I just hear a bloop?
Yeah, sorry. That's my girlfriend, Bernie.
She's kinda my girlfriend.
You got a girlfriend. We get it.
Yeah. She just sent me
this, like, saucy online quiz.
Oh, bless your heart, sweetie,
but I'm so much more than that.
Holy shit. The Rice Purity Test?
-You've anthropomorphized.
-I sure have.
-Whoa!
-Gasp!
And ain't I the cutest thing?
I mean, for a piece of paper,
yeah, you are fucking hot.
Well, I'm more than just a pretty face.
I'm the ultimate test of what you've done
and what you haven't.
Have you ever French-kissed in public? ♪
Have you ever played a drinking game? ♪
Been convicted of a crime or done 69? ♪
Have you ever smoked crack cocaine? ♪
-Are you a depraved low-life sinner? ♪
-Am I?
-Or a timid little wide-eyed saint? ♪
-Oh shit.
Are you mortified, hon
By the stuff you've done? ♪
Or ashamed of how much you ain't? ♪
Hey, Nick, send me that thing.
-Yeah, me too.
-Me too.
Have you ever used methamphetamines? ♪
Have you kissed below the belt? ♪
Had sex in a pool? ♪
Or been kicked out of school? ♪
Had your breasts or butt cheeks felt? ♪
Are you
Mommy's little goody two-shoes? ♪
Or a psycho slut from hell? ♪
'Cause the lower the score
Well, the bigger the whore ♪
But only the test can tell ♪
Come on, sugarpie
Won't you give it a try? ♪
'Cause only the test can tell ♪
Yee-haw! ♪
Okay, number four.
"Danced without leaving room for Jesus?"
What does that even mean?
That's when you grind up
against a boy so hard,
you have to pull out your knickers
with a pair of panty pliers.
Oh, like when I made Andrew
cream his jeans?
[moaning]
Yeah, I've done number four.
Number 19. "Masturbated
while someone else was in the room?"
[chuckles] Like five seasons ago.
Hey, you remember the pilot, Nick?
-Me, I've got the cream.
-Yeah.
[Andrew grunts]
Ew. How can I remember that?
I was asleep, you perv.
Oh shit, we're finally doing a clip show.
Oh, the producers
must be running out of money.
"Masturbated with an inanimate object?"
Ugh!
Who does that?
You did, with a toothbrush.
And Judd's shirt.
[moans] A million suns.
See? You love putting stuff down there.
Watch out, stuff. Jessi's coming for you.
Oh, Connie, would you stop?
This is getting kind of embarrassing.
Hey, I don't pick the clips.
Mark Levin does.
And he is a great and powerful man, Jessi.
We do not want to anger him.
Okay, everybody, I'm done.
And I got a 74, which is perfect.
Any lower, you're a slut.
Any higher, you're a prude.
-[grunts] You tell them, babe!
-Well, I got a 71, and I'm not a slut.
Oh my God. Jessi, I also got a 71.
-We're both whores. The whore sisters!
-No, no, no.
Oh God, no.
-Well, I got a 61.
-[all] Ew!
-Gross.
-Oh, don't act so audibly grossed out.
You all know who I am. Roll the supercut!
[moaning]
For fuck's sake! Faster
-[moans]
-Ew!
[grunts and moans]
Oh no. Holding
Already out. It's already out.
Jesus. Andrew, how are you
not dehydrated, like, all the time?
Listen. I am not ashamed of who I am.
And more importantly,
neither is my girlfriend.
I have a girlfriend who I talk with.
That's right. You do have a girlfriend.
And your girlfriend, Bernie,
adores you and your chubby little chode.
It's not a chode.
Roll the clip!
-No!
-You see? Chode.
Hey, Missy, I got a 98. What did you get?
Mona, I can't tell him my score.
He's gonna think I'm a sinful harlot.
Well, good.
If you're ever gonna get past
just holding hands,
we need to add
a little slut sauce to the stew.
Okay. Um, I must confess I got an 82.
Whoa, Missy. You're like Sade.
Sade, really? [chuckles]
-Who is that again?
-I don't really know.
But my parents have a CD
where she's on the cover
looking all confident and lotioned.
Holy fucking hell, Missy.
He actually thinks
you're a smooth operator.
Oh! What do I do?
Seduce and destroy him!
Hey, E, what do you say to you and me
hanging after this thing wraps up?
-Uh, what do you have in mind?
-I don't know.
Maybe we could scratch a few things
off that itchy old list.
-Ow!
-[groans]
My bad, Missy! My bad! My bad!
[Elijah] Oh man. Missy, are you okay?
Uh, depends. You still down to clown?
Uh
-Sure?
-Yes!
Ow! Fuck you!
[Jay] And done.
Whew! That's the most reading I've done
in my entire life.
I really had to wrestle those letters
to stay in place.
Jay, it sounds like you might be dyslexic.
I don't care because guess what?
I won, bitches. I got a fucking three.
What? No.
Bullshit. You're lying.
Yeah, how could you get a three?
-You haven't had sex yet, have you?
-And bestiality is on that list.
Uh, ladies, not only have I had sex,
but I've fucked poultry.
Uh, hit them with the clips, guys.
Oh yeah, you want that gravy?
-Oh!
-Mm.
-[screams]
-Oh my God, he's beautiful!
You are so full of shit, Jay.
Oh, please.
You're just jealous, you tiny virgin.
What's your score?
Honestly, Nick, not not curious.
Same, same. Jesse and I are the same now.
Whore sisters.
A A true gentleman never reveals
his score from an online sex quiz.
-[all] Boo!
-Come on.
What did you get
on the Rice Pudding Test, Nick? Raisins?
No, I got a 92.
Aw, you're such a clean little baby.
Let me smell your head.
No! I'm not proud of my score, Rick.
It's embarrassing.
I'm a loser. And I haven't done anything,
you know, sexually speaking.
No, you're a pretty little baby.
You wanna come to the baby shower,
sweet baby?
What? What baby shower?
The one I'm planning for Maury.
But don't tell Ronnie,
'cause she's not invited!
What's that now?
Oh yeah, man, you're not invited
because you're a deadbeat bad lady
who doesn't want nothing to do
with the baby, baby.
Now, when did I say that?
-Hey, you. I don't want you!
-[groans]
Well, I stand by it.
Y'all have fun at the shower without me,
huh, if that's even possible.
-Look! Devon's got Gogurt cornered!
-Get him!
Giggle at this,
you yogurt-guzzling son of a bitch.
[all groan]
[whistle blows]
-[Ali] Nasty!
-[Mathew] Gross.
[giggles]
[line ringing]
So, did you take the quiz, my lover?
I did, indeed, my lover.
You're looking at a 61.
Ooh! Dirty birdie. I only got a 64.
But it was really fun
remembering my oeuvre.
Like when I snapped my bean
thinking about Paul Hollywood
tapping my soggy bottom with a fork.
Ooh, I got a handshake!
Whoa, they're showing her clips too.
How about that?
Wait, wait, wait. Do I wanna see this?
Well, how bad could they be?
[Bernie] Or that time my drama class
got a little too dramatic
during a massage circle.
Oh, and the seventh grade formal.
Dancing with Alex Ruiz.
-[moaning]
Oh, make it stop. Make it stop!
Okay, cut the film. Cut the film!
What? What's wrong?
I'm sorry, Bernie.
I I don't wanna hear
about your sexual escapades.
It's much too much.
We basically have the same score.
Why are you judging me?
Oh, no judgment.
It's just I prefer to think of you
as a meadow of fresh fallen snow,
and not
And not what?
-Dirty street slush?
-Oh, good heavens!
You're a fucking asshole!
Oh yeah? Well, you're
a painted and powdered jezebel!
Andrew!
Fuck you, Andrew,
and your male double-standard bullshit.
We handled that pretty well.
I'm not entirely certain we did.
You sounded like your father.
Fucking women. They all suck.
Except for my mommy.
Oh, and Barbara Walters,
America's mommy. She's cool.
Man, that was a terrible day of school.
-And you have had some bad ones.
-I know. It really was.
People gossiping,
planning things you're not invited to
just because you "don't want kids"
and are a "bad person."
-Wait, what?
-Guess who? [snorts]
Spoiler alert. It's me, Lola.
What are you doing right now,
fellow whore?
You wanna hang out?
I found a way to get into the sewers.
Oh, jeez. I would love to, Lola,
but my mom is picking me up,
and apparently
she has a surprise or something?
Oh my God, that's so cool you have a mom.
I totally have a mom too.
I'm lesbians with my mom.
My mom's ex-boyfriend died in 9/11.
You see, my mom is having a conjugal visit
with this prisoner that she's pursuing.
We really are
devastatingly the same, Jessica.
Oh no. Ugh, it's my mom.
Sorry, Lola, gotta go. We're not the same.
Oh God,
I've never been happier to see you.
Wow, score one for the Shan-dog.
Just drive, please.
-We're the same!
-[gasps]
Look, Jessi, I'm T2.
-Hey, Jay. Wait Wait up.
-Hey. What's up?
Um, I was too embarrassed
to say this in front of everyone earlier,
but I got a 92.
[laughs]
What a fucking loser.
Hey, Matthew, did you hear that?
-No, no, no, no, no.
-Nick got a 92.
Babe, I'm on the phone with a real twat
at Marie Callender's. Can this wait?
I just feel like I haven't done anything
with my life.
[moans]
See? Those are my only two clips.
I'm begging you, Jay. You have to help me.
You are the grossest guy I know.
Okay. Okay, okay, okay.
This might actually be a way
to get my score down to zero.
Oh God, what are the three things
you have left?
First, number 88.
We're gonna join the mile-high club.
-How are we gonna get on an airplane?
-Oh, we're not.
We're gonna climb
to the top of the old water tower.
Then, number 52.
We're gonna do meth
and/or horse tranquilizers.
-I'll see what my mom has in stock.
-So sad. Keep going.
And finally, number 99.
We're gonna jerk each other off,
which counts as incest
because, Nick,
you're like a brother to me.
A brother I'm gonna jerk off.
-No.
-All right.
Have fun with your two clips.
[laughs]
-You two-clip bitch.
-Okay, okay, okay.
Jesus, Jay, I'm in.
Hey, babe. Are you cool
if Nick and I get all tranqued out
and jerk each other off
at the top of the old water tower?
I don't fucking care.
I've got, like, two hours
to throw the perfect party
and my partner
wants to serve ice cream out of diapers.
-Chocolate ice cream. Wink, wink.
-Ugh.
I got the idea from Goop.
[Missy] All right.
Uh, so, what were you thinking
we'd check off the list?
I don't know, my soldier of love.
Maybe number four?
"Dancing without leaving room for Jesus?"
That is the sweetest taboo.
-Ordinary love ♪
-Um
You cool with this, Jesus?
Elijah, my man. What's up?
Talk to me, baby. It's me.
Is it okay to dance
without leaving room for you?
-Well, do you like this girl?
-Yeah.
-Do you respect her, though?
-Very much, sir.
Then go for it.
I ain't even make that rule up.
White people made that up
'cause they couldn't dance.
They wanted everybody to suffer.
Okay. Yeah, let's dance
without leaving room for my Savior.
Oh my God, this is actually happening.
I feel so squirmy.
I'm sterilizing
the panty pliers right now.
Oh no, this feels kind of weird.
Are you sure you don't wanna cut in?
Mm-mm. Nah, I'm good.
I'm Jesus. You do your thing.
Now, Missy.
Back that ass up and unload the heinie.
-Beep, beep, beep!
-Yeah.
Rump delivery.
-Here it comes.
-Nope. [hyperventilating]
I'm sorry, Missy.
I can't I can't do this.
Oh God. I'm so sorry.
I thought it was consensual rump delivery.
I should've had you sign for it first.
Elijah, it's okay. I got you.
Tell Jesus what happened,
and we're gonna get through this. Okay?
I don't know, man.
My face feels hot,
and my hands are shaking. I can't do it.
[sighs]
Mona, I think
you can put away your panty pliers now.
Ugh. Jesus, I beg of you.
Can you turn my panty pliers
into a vodka martini?
-[angelic chord plays]
-Bless you, darling.
I told your mother if she wasn't done
with her Hadassah mishegas by five,
I was coming to get her.
And it is 4:58, brother.
Who does she think she is
cavorting with Rabbi Paulblart
at his harem of yentas?
These women, they're running wild.
They think
they can just put a baby in your butt
and then leave you
to raise it all by yourself.
All I want is for her to have nothing.
And all I want
is a pristine maiden without a past.
And all I want
is a partner to catch this baby
when it comes rocketing out of my ass
at 90 miles per hour.
We should all just [gasps] give up.
No! Don't you dare die on me!
Don't you give up!
Whoa, shit!
Go get your mother.
I'm gonna stay here
and take up three parking spaces.
[gasps]
Working for you is a nightmare.
Oh, quit being so dramatic.
Ta-da! What do you think?
It's very nice.
But, um, what am I looking at?
Well, I wanted to be here
the next time you had a yeast infection.
-[groans]
-So I'm moving back to Bridgeton.
This is our new condo.
Oh, Jess.
-Connie, is this actually a good thing?
-Ooh.
I was finally starting
to like living with Caitlin.
Well, you can't say no.
Your mama bought a condo
'cause of your stank pussy.
Jessi, you never told me
you had a yeast infection.
We really are very much twinsies.
Oh, for fuck's sake, Lola lives here.
That's why this place looks so familiar.
Aw, that's sweet.
You already have a little friend.
Actually, bitch, we're whore sisters.
Okay. Well, don't love that.
[sighs] Shit. I guess you're right, Lola.
We got the same score.
We live in the same building.
We are basically the same.
Well, truth be told,
we're not exactly the same.
When I got my yeast infection,
my mom didn't come running home.
She just sent me a cameo from Steve-O.
Hey, Lola.
I heard you got a yeast infection.
Gnarly.
But don't worry because I'm gonna staple
my nutsack to my leg in solidarity.
Yeah.
[grunts]
[screams]
Oh, fuck.
Yeah, dude!
Whoo!
Barbara! Let's go. We're leaving.
-Andrew?
-So this is the famous Andrew.
We know all about you.
And all the tsuris
you put your mother through.
Ladies, I'm in no mood.
The day I have had, you cannot imagine.
-Well, come.
-Sit.
-Kvetch.
-As is the way of the Hadassah.
[women] As is the way.
Careful, boyo, this feels like voodoo.
Okay, I'll sit.
So, my long-distance girlfriend
-Mazel.
-Is she Jewish?
-Very.
-Sweet girl. Knows nothing, but sweet.
Yeah, well, that sweet girl betrayed me.
-That's terrible.
-What did she do?
-Did she cheat on you?
-Worse.
She told me about the nasty things
she did with other boys in the past.
-So?
-So?
So, she should've only done
those nasty things with me.
Excuse me?!
Oh no.
I did not raise you
to think of women like that.
-Your mother speaks the truth.
-Girlfriends are not property.
-She had a life before you.
-Her own sensual past.
Just like your mother.
Bah, bah, bah. My mother is not a woman.
Like hell I'm not. Roll the clips.
I want to hold you close, Barbara.
Marty, your dumplings are so big.
[Andrew] Stop! Stop montage!
Oh, your hands smell like garlic powder.
No, turn it Turn it off.
I get it. I get it.
My mother is a person,
just like my girlfriend.
Oh, I'm so sorry, Mama.
-[whimpering]
-There, there, you little putz.
-[door opens]
-Barbara, let's go.
It's 5:08. Enough with other people.
You know what, Marty?
No. My meeting's not done.
-You heard her.
-You schlemiel!
-Schmendrick!
-Here she stays.
She's one of us now! [hisses]
That last one has a snake for a head.
Is no one seeing this?
-Marty, go wait in the car.
-But but, Barbara, what am I gonna
-She has spoken!
-[thunder rumbles]
You should've [gasps] stayed in the car.
Oh, just die already!
Oh, please let me.
Look, Missy, I like you. I do.
But you're an 82, and I'm a 98.
-This is never gonna work.
-Is this all because of that dumb test?
No. Yes, but not just the test.
Then what?
Is it God?
Look. Look.
Put the blame on me, all right?
-I want all the smoke.
-Seriously?
Yeah, people do crazy shit all the time
'cause they like me.
Man, my fans are crazy as hell.
I'm used to it.
Thanks, Jesus, but no.
It's not God, Missy. It's me.
I just I don't think I'm ready.
Well, you heard the boy. He's not ready.
Let's go to the docks.
I told you, there's no boys my age
at the docks.
Look, Elijah, I like you too. So much.
And if you need to go slow, I can go slow.
-For real?
-Totally.
Missy, what are you doing?
We don't want to go slow.
[imitates slow motion]
Is that cool, Elijah?
-That sounds dope, Missy.
-[laughs]
-Fucking dorks.
-Forgive them, Mona.
For they develop at their own pace.
But I agree. They some fucking dorks.
[groans] Can you please turn
my martini into a vibrator?
[angelic chord plays]
[grunting]
[panting] That's quite a climb.
Yeah. Let's just get this over with.
Where are the horse tranquilizers?
Okay, all I could find
was Luda's worm medication. Here you go.
All right, just give me the worm pill.
[gulps]
Oh, it's It's soft.
-Oh yeah, it's a suppository.
-What?
It's supposed to melt
into your delicate anal tissue.
Luda was halfway done with that one.
Let's just jerk each other off.
Okay, get ready
for some mile-high incest, brother.
Oh my God, Rick.
Am I actually doing this?
Did you fuck your brother yet?
Here we go.
This is it.
-I love you, Nick.
-Wait, what? What?
Oh no, not like that.
Like our parents are the same people.
Now touch my penis.
No. No. I'm sorry, Jay.
I I I I can't do this.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What's going on?
Is it because I brought up
our mommy and daddy?
It didn't help. But, honestly, if this is
what I have to do to get more clips,
I think I'm fine being a 92.
Hey, buddy, let's make a deal.
If we're still incest virgins
by the time we're 40,
then let's meet back up here
and jerk each other off.
Jay, if I still know you when I'm 40,
something has gone incredibly wrong.
Damn, Jessi, you got your own room.
You don't have to share
with a bike no more.
You even have a balcony,
in case you want to rub one out alfresco.
Yeah.
Oh, what's wrong, baby?
You don't wanna jerk off
while staring at that CVS?
Look at Lola. She's all alone.
Yeah, she's playing
with a universal remote like it's a doll.
I guess I never realized how lucky I am
to have a mom
who's, like, obsessed with me.
And we're so fucking mean to Shannon.
Get the hell out, Shannon!
-You short-necked bitch!
-[gasps]
Do you like that color, Shannon?
Yogurt-on-the-wall color?
And Lola has nobody to be mean to.
Ooh, now she's practicing her golf swing.
Hey, Lola?
Yeah, whore sister?
I mean, yes, Jessi from school?
No, it's okay. I I am your whore sister.
-Really?
-Yeah.
-Aw.
-Hey, do you wanna
Grab my flashlight and my galoshes
and absolutely hit the sewers?
Uh, no, I was gonna just say,
"Help me unpack."
Lola, where'd you go?
-Hey, Jess.
-Oh my God.
Does this sweater spark joy,
or can, like, I have it?
Um, you know what? You can just take it.
This is so beautiful.
What is up with you today?
I guess I'm just realizing that maybe
having a mom isn't totally pointless
and that maybe I need to grow up
and recognize I made a little miracle
in my best friend's butt.
-Yeah, I'm not following any of this.
-Oh, you sweet little short-necked bitch.
-I gotta go.
-Wait! Where are you going?
To get my baby back, baby back,
baby back ribs at Chili's
and bring them to Maury's baby shower.
Hyah!
-[line ringing]
-I don't want to talk to you, Andrew.
No, Bernie, please, don't hang up.
Listen, I I spoke
with some older Jewish women.
Okay. What does that have to do with me?
Because they made me realize
that you're your own person
with your own past and your own clips.
And it was wrong of me
to judge you for that.
-You're goddamn right!
-I'm sorry. I was a real schmendrick.
Well, don't let it happen again.
Oh, thank Jesus and his iconic
leather sandals. She forgives you.
So, do you have any interest
in seeing a supercut of me cumming?
Bernie, my dear, roll that cum clip.
-[moaning]
-I'm cumming, I'm cumming ♪
I'm cumming, I'm cumming ♪
-I am almost there ♪
-Paul Hollywood again!
Congrats, brother!
I gotta hand it to us, Matt.
We really pulled it off.
Excuse me? We?
What did you do
except shit in a bunch of diapers?
Did I? Wink, wink. I did.
"Daddy's Little Fuck Monster."
-Thanks, Joe Walsh.
-You're welcome, man.
I guess it really is just Daddy's,
huh, guys?
Are you okay, Maury?
I don't know, Rick.
I guess it's just not much of a party
without, you know
Without the biological mother?
-[gasps] Connie?
-Look, honey.
It would have been
totally within my rights
to abandon or abort this kid
or make it think
I'm its aunt or something.
But that's not what I want now.
So then, what do you want, Connie?
We're all dying to know, man.
Maurice Beverly, I wanna go halfsies
on that baby in your guts.
Will you have me as your baby mama?
-Yes. On Marie Callender's grave, yes!
-[cheering]
Oh, you've made me so happy, Connie!
-[splashing]
-Oh!
Oh no.
Ooh. Mm.
What's the matter, father of my child?
Oh, I hope you're ready
to meet our butt baby
because my ass water just broke.
Quick, we need to get him
to an animal hospital, or an Ikea.
No. No, no, there's no time.
This baby shower just turned into
[grunting]
a birthday party!
[slow motion] Oh!
[grunts]
Oh my God!
Connie, are you okay?
It's It's already humping my arm, Maury.
Yes, you are. Yes, you are.
Aw. Well, what is it? A boy or a girl?
Don't impose your fascist
cis-human-gender norms
on this perfect little sex monster.
They will be called Montel.
Sorry I wrecked your asshole, Daddy.
Ain't I a stinker?
From the first time the doctor
Placed you in my arms ♪
I knew I'd meet death
Before I'd let you meet harm ♪
Although questions arose in my mind ♪
Would I be man enough? ♪
[music stops]
-Hey, man, how've you been?
-Let's just get this over with, okay?
[chuckles] Yeah, sure thing.
Yeah, give me the horse tranquilizer.
Ta-da!
Just the two of us ♪
-We can make it if we try ♪
-Uh ♪
-Just the two of us ♪
-Just me and you, just me and you ♪
Just the two of us ♪
-Ha, ha ♪
-Just ♪
Five years old, bringing comedy ♪
Every time I look as you
I think, "Man, a little me" ♪
Just like me, wait and see
Going to be tall ♪
Makes me laugh
'Cause you got your dad's ears and all ♪
Sometimes I wonder what you gonna be ♪
A general, a doctor, maybe a MC ♪
I wanna kiss you all the time ♪
But I will test that butt
When you cut out of line ♪
True that
Uh, uh, uh, why you do that? ♪
I try to be a tough dad
But you be making me laugh ♪
Crazy joy when I see the eyes ♪