Bojack Horseman (2014) s06e04 Episode Script
Surprise!
1 [Pickles.]
Okay, guys, that is my cat eye tutorial.
It probably works better if you're not a dog, but anyways, like and subscribe.
Oh, and RIP Nelson Mandela and Paul Walker.
- [icon pops.]
- Love you, sassy boys! I just don't feel like doing a makeup tutorial today.
- [whirring.]
- Dad! I'm shooting a video! [Franco.]
Demi! I really thought me and Buzzy were built to last, like Brad and Angelina, or Gwyneth and Coldplay Man, or America and its current love affair with Rebel Wilson.
[sighs.]
I'm sorry, I shouldn't be talking about my personal life.
I just feel so alone.
- [icon pops.]
- Aw! Thank you.
Hey, Pickle Pack! Gettin' ready for another job interview.
I think I'm just gonna lie about having experience.
Right? I got the job! I'm a systems analyst? I got fired my first day as a systems analyst, but then I got a job as an air traffic controller! I got fired my first day as an air traffic controller.
But then I got a job as a waitress! - So, I've been seeing someone.
- [icon pops.]
He's a yellow lab, and he's so handsome and friendly.
[barks and licks.]
- Mister asked me to move in with him! - [icons pop.]
- Hi, Mister! - Oh, are you taking a video? [laughs.]
Thank you, queefburglar69, for that lovely cartoon heart! Get a load of this cool house, Pickle Pack! Lights, off.
Lights, on! - [giggles.]
- Thank you, Robot House! Check this out.
The Thunder Room.
A place to wait out thunderstorms and Fourth of July celebrations! Thunder door, close! [automated voice.]
Closing.
[clunks.]
Thunder Room secure.
Cute! He got down on one knee and everything! He was so nervous before he asked! - Of course I said yes! - [icons pop.]
I think Mister is still in shock! Engaged! That's what we are now! Ring filter! So, I guess I liked the play.
I was just surprised at how different it was from the movie.
I kept waiting for the baseball part.
And so many dysfunctional relationships! All the cheating and lying! [sighs.]
I'm sure glad we're not like that, right, Mister? Um, Pickles, would you mind turning off the livestream? There's something I need to discuss with you.
Privately.
Ooh, I hope it's something good! - [beeps.]
- [sobbing.]
- The wedding is off! [crying.]
- [icons popping.]
[theme music playing.]
- [brakes squeak.]
- [crickets chirping.]
[exhales.]
Hi, I'm here to see BoJack.
You're [hisses.]
too late.
- What? - He's [hisses.]
gone - No! - to a party for the night.
Here's the address.
Sorry for all the wincing.
I put too many jalapeños on my [hisses.]
sandwich.
A party? With alcohol? No, a lame party, without alcohol.
Uh Don't worry.
We sent him with a trained sober companion.
He'll keep him out of trouble.
This is Eduardo.
He's here to keep me out of trouble.
[chuckles.]
Say, aren't you one of those fainting goats? [laughs.]
Only if I panic.
So, what makes you panic? Nothing.
The whole point is he doesn't panic.
Sober companion.
You know what makes me panic? Most of the time I'm an ocean-levels-rising guy, but sometimes I like to dwell on the fact that there will always be invisible walls between myself and those who claim to know me.
[chuckles.]
That sure is nerve-racking, but the only thing that makes me panic is the thought that I might someday drink again.
- A toast to that never happening! - [whimpers and thuds.]
Very helpful.
Thank you, Eduardo.
Oh, I'm just Greg, a guy Mr.
Peanutbutter met at a gas station once.
I honestly don't even know why I got invited to this party.
[Ruthie crying.]
You know, I got a few TV ideas myself.
[chuckles.]
Franco, nobody wants to hear your time-travelling orthodontist pitch! Demi, you are lighting a long fuse on a short stick of dynamite.
Oh, whoop.
And a big one at that.
[inhales, exhales.]
- Diane! Didn't think I'd see you here! - [screams.]
Could you go tell BoJack to come out so I can talk to him? What? I don't have time for your classic Diane wackiness.
We gotta get these to the balloon room! - [coos.]
- [screams.]
- Hey.
- Hey, look who's back in town! - [groans.]
- Wow! Baby! Cute! - [giggling.]
- She's crawling all over the place.
I wasn't gonna bring her out, but another nanny quit on me.
Carlotta quit, huh? I assume she resigned in disgrace for not making good airplane noises when she feeds Ruthie? No, she said she felt she was being watched all day.
Impossible! I'm there around the clock, observing her every move.
- If she was being watched, I'd know! - Uh-huh.
Uh, where do these balloons go? Hello, Pickles' best friend Ilana.
Pickles' other friend Ilana.
Didn't think I'd see you here.
And then of course, there's always the looming fear my spleen could up and re-twist itself.
How are we back in a conversation? It's like I'm trying to canoe out to sea but the current keeps washing me back to the same shallow backwater.
- Hey, there you are.
- Thank God, I'm so glad you're here.
- Never leave my side.
- I have to tell you - Okay, everybody get to your places! - What's happening? Mr.
Peanutbutter's and Pickles' surprise wedding! Surprise wedding? The wedding planning was stressing Mr.
Peanutbutter out, and Pickles loves big romantic surprises.
And I'm not doing much except for sitting at home watching Princess Carolyn's terrible nannies, so naturally I thought, "Ooh! Surprise wedding!" - Where are they now? - I got them two tickets to Angels in the Outfield.
- The movie? - The play.
It's like six hours long.
Do you mean Angels in America? Whatever it is, after that feel-good comedy, they'll be in a great mood for a wedding! Wow.
Okay Look, I cannot be here.
Just I'm moving.
Great, your apartment's a dump.
Where are you moving to? Uh, not Echo Park.
I'll never see you.
- Chicago.
- Chicago? "Chicago" Chicago? Ooh, they just pulled into the driveway! - Shit! Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit! - Why Chicago? Everybody hide and stay quiet.
[slapping and groaning.]
Remember, as soon as the lights go on, just jump up and yell, "Surprise!" - Lights, off! - [lights beep.]
Um, Pickles? Would you mind turning off the livestream? There's something I need to discuss with you.
Privately.
Ooh, I hope it's something good! It's not.
- Lights - Wait! Before Robot House assaults us with the harsh unforgiving glare of our energy-efficient bulbs, I need to tell you this.
But it's so dark in here.
What I'm about to confess is so shameful, I can only admit it in the cover of shadow.
Don't be silly.
Lights, on! - I cheated on you! - [man.]
Surp! - [man shushes.]
- Did someone just say something? Don't change the subject! - [voice breaking.]
You cheated on me? - I am so sorry.
- How could you do this? - It was the worst mistake of my life! And I once played Twister with Bryan Singer at Kevin Spacey's party for Andy Dick's early parole.
I've been in the Thunder Room every night for months trying to swallow my shame.
But I can't.
And I've apparently been so racked with guilt I left the door open.
- Thunder door, close.
- [automated voice.]
Closing.
[clunks.]
Thunder Room secure.
[muffled voice.]
Help! Please! Just because you feel guilty, that doesn't make it okay.
Are you the time I went to see Lady Gaga in concert and she didn't sing "Paparazzi"? Because I am hurt, and I am confused, and I am angry, and nobody told me there was going to be an encore, so I just went home and - [groans.]
- Why am I even talking to you? I need my best friend.
I'm calling Ilana! [gasps.]
But, honestly, can Ilana even relate to me anymore? Since she got that new Sunday-to-Thursday job she's turned into a real See-You-Next-Friday.
I never thought I'd say this, but sometimes I feel like I prefer my other friend Ilana.
Sometimes it's just easier to talk to a person who has nothing else going on.
- What? - Please don't tell the Ilanas about this.
I'm gonna tell everybody about this.
I'm a Gemini.
No! Think of my family! They need me to be strong right now.
Poor Captain Peanutbutter.
He recently confided to me he feels trapped in a loveless marriage with Mrs.
Captain Peanutbutter.
- [laughs awkwardly.]
- Well, can you blame her? Excuse me? Every time I get trapped in a conversation with Captain, I think, "If I was married to this guy, I would gnaw my own hand off just to get the ring off my body.
" At least no one in my family has anger issues.
My father has come so far with his anger management classes! I'm sorry, but your father is a hot head with a little pug complex.
- Everyone makes excuses - [snarling.]
for his outbursts.
"I don't know what's gotten into Franco.
- He's not usually like that.
" - [shushes.]
- Trust me.
He's like that.
- How dare you.
And the way your mother provokes him! I think they get off on it, and they're making us unwilling participants in their kinky foreplay.
Ew! Those are my parents! - And don't even get me started on Greg.
- [shushes.]
That guy that I met once at that gas station! - Why are you bringing him up? - I don't know, but he sucks, too! - Oh.
- There, I got it off my chest.
I know who I need right now.
No, Pickles.
Please don't TweedFeed this.
I understand your Pickle Pack is part of how you process pain.
Wrong, Mister Mister.
The Pack isn't part of anything.
They are everything.
When I stabbed myself in the eye with a boba straw, they all sent me photos of themselves wearing eyepatches.
And when my Grandma Piccolino died, stickyvicki was the first person to say "LMAO.
Sorry for your loss.
" My subscribers are with me through thick and thin.
And they have never strayed.
Unsubscribe! [crying.]
[Diane grunts.]
- [groans.]
- I never thought this would have so much practical application in my life, but you could tie some sheets together and make a rope.
- [Mr.
Peanutbutter.]
Pickles, wait! - [Pickles.]
No! You stay! Bedroom lights, on! - Down! - [whispers.]
Go, go, go.
- [crying.]
- [BoJack grunts.]
- [Diane groans.]
- [BoJack grunts.]
[crying, groaning.]
The wedding is off! [sobbing.]
He cheated on me! - [wailing.]
- [both groaning.]
- Freezer, ice.
- [automated voice.]
Dispensing.
Water filter, filtrate.
- [pouring.]
- [Pickles sobbing.]
Oh, I have to talk to her! [pants.]
[clamoring.]
- [man.]
Go, go, go, go, go! - Let's hit the bricks and quick.
- Um, Princess Carolyn - Oh, fish! I mean, I've been hurt by guys before.
But this, I just feel so stupid.
- [text pops.]
- My God, thank you, not even.
[knocks.]
Hi.
I know you are quite upset, but Are you not listening? I told you to leave me alone.
- Right, but - Oh! You want a makeup tutorial? Here's a makeup tutorial: We are never making up! - Wha - Door, slam! Okay.
Here's how to look like a crying, pugly freak! [Pickles.]
So, you're gonna want a mascara that really runs - So, why Chicago? - What? What's the draw? Is it the rampant gun violence? Or do you just like seeing improv actors who aren't good enough for LA? - Or is there a guy? - Uh What's his name, your suitor? Your gentleman caller? - Guy.
- Fine.
What's your guy's name? No.
Guy is the name of the guy I'm not moving to Chicago for.
What's the name of the guy you are moving to Chicago for? I think we're done here.
[cooing.]
- Ruthie.
- This is all your fault.
If you hadn't creeped out every nanny I hire I wouldn't have to monitor them so closely if you hadn't hired a bunch of quacks! Ooh! Duck! [grunts.]
[Mr.
Peanutbutter whimpering.]
What's with all this mid-century furniture so close to the ground? - No one had to hide in the '50s? - Close to the ground, that's it! We've gotta think like a baby! I'm a baby.
I don't have a job.
I love being wrapped up in soft, red hoodies.
And when I'm feeling low, I like to get high.
[gasps.]
Ruthie's a climber! [panting.]
Just as I suspected.
[licks.]
Fresh drool.
It's Ruthie.
Todd! - [coos.]
- [BoJack grunts.]
[sighs.]
So, I obviously can't marry him, right? What do you guys think I should do? - Hey.
Give me that.
- [text pops.]
"You should make Mr.
Peanutbutter take you to the park, far away from this mouse.
" What mouse? [groans.]
- [text pops.]
- Great idea! - Door, open! - [both gasp.]
- Hey, Mister! Take me to the park! - [giggling.]
- [Mr.
Peanutbutter.]
Can do! - I'll be right down! Okay, Pickle Pack, let's pick out an outfit.
What says, "I am going to survive this because I am strong, - but you should still feel very bad"? - Uh - Go, baby! Go to mama! Oh.
- [giggles.]
But what if we go for a walk and he says all the right things and I forgive him? I can't make it so easy for him, can I? Oh, my God.
That is an even better idea, MarciFartz.
Hey, Mister! Cancel the park and come here.
What? Stay out of my shit, MarciFartz! - [Mr.
Peanutbutter.]
On my way, darling! - Kitty up.
[grunts.]
- [Ruthie blows.]
- [Princess Carolyn sighs.]
Bring me my favorite drink.
Exactly the way I like it.
Then we'll talk.
Of course, right away! [BoJack grunts.]
[groans.]
Of course he'll make my drink perfect.
Because he's perfect! I mean, look at him! And and Look at him! - [BoJack groaning.]
- Um Oh! And him, as portrayed in this boardwalk caricature drawing! I didn't know he liked tennis and skateboarding.
What else has he been hiding from me? [sighs.]
I mean, is it me? Was I not good enough? [text popping.]
Yeah, I'm not the problem! In fact, why am I even in his house? - [pops.]
- I need to pack! [groans.]
I'm going to a fancy-ass hotel.
- And - [gasps.]
I'm gonna try to get my room comped in exchange for social media promotion! And then they'll say no.
And then I'll pay for the room and drag them online.
Hate to leave you hanging.
[grunts.]
- [coos.]
- Yeah.
Wait a minute! Why should I leave? - He's the one who cheated! - [exhales.]
[grunting.]
He can live in the dog park for all I care! [text popping.]
- [rustling.]
- [Princess Carolyn groans.]
But then, why do I want him to stay? - I'm so confused.
- [text pops.]
Good call, tchavez! - [notification dings.]
- You're welcome.
Oh, no! - [sighs.]
- Phew! Boba Maker.
Uh boba make? [whirs and squirts.]
[automated voice.]
Would you like whipped cream? Uh Hey, so, uh, sobriety.
How is it? [scoffs.]
Impossible.
Uh There's no clear path to the exit.
You can wait it out, I'm doing the window.
It's not because of me that you're moving to Chicago? No.
I need to go.
[Mr.
Peanutbutter.]
Pickles? Precious? Possible point of complexity Son of a bitch.
[grunting.]
I know your favorite drink is boba, but just the other day, you said, "Whipped cream is the best thing in the world" immediately followed by, and this is a direct quote, "So, keep it as far away from me as possible!" I just wanted to circle back.
[music playing over earbuds.]
Yeah.
Don't get me wrong, I love the challenge of trying to square two irreconcilable positions.
- Where's the baby? There's the baby! - [giggling.]
Where's the baby? [gasps.]
Shit! Where's the baby? [glass shatters.]
Bang-crash, you say! I hear the note.
I'll be right back with your drink prepared exactly the way you want it! [Princess Carolyn grunts.]
Here.
You know how in AA they give you chips? - But no salsa? - Using that.
But they're a big deal, the chips.
Sure, they brainwash you into thinking they're more important than they are, but when I got my two-month chip I thought, "I wish Diane could see this.
" I see it.
It's amazing.
It would not be improved by salsa.
[Pickles.]
Door, open! [both gasp, grunting.]
No! No! - [BoJack scoffs.]
- [Pickles humming.]
Hmm.
Sunshine, I have your boba.
[Pickles.]
No whipped cream, I hope.
Of course not.
You always know how I like it.
Is there any chance we could talk IRL? Intimately, rigorously, lengthily? [inhales, exhales.]
You know, what's funny is now I actually want the whipped cream.
Well, good news, because, uh - Hmm - I don't want to be mad at you.
That's great! - No, it's not - I know I caused you pain, but we can get through this.
I still wanna marry you.
Do you still want to marry me? Promise me you'll never lie to me again? I promise.
Then I guess we could put it behind us if it just happened the one time.
It did! One time! One unit of cheating.
Comprised of two separate instances.
- What? - But the spirit of it was once.
Well, at least you told me right away.
- It happened a few months ago.
- What? - But I'm being honest with you now! - Okay.
At least it wasn't with someone I know.
It was Diane.
Diane, the nice lady from the chew toy store? Diane, my ex-wife? That's so much worse! You are a bad dog! - No.
No.
No! - [shrieks.]
- [shattering.]
- [Mr.
Peanutbutter groans.]
[Pickles crying.]
[crying continues.]
Come on, Eduardo.
Hold it together.
You're not just a fainting goat.
You're a trained sober companion.
Just do what the sign says.
No! [thuds.]
- [music playing over earbuds.]
- [sighs.]
[whirring.]
- Vacuum, stop.
- [automated voice.]
Stopping.
Coin sorter, sort.
[tinkling.]
Oh, Coin Sorter, I'd love to toss my problems in a tray and say, "Here, sort these out.
" I know it doesn't work that way, but if only this smart house could give some advice to this stupid dog.
- [BoJack imitates robot.]
Go to her.
- Coin Sorter? Go to Pickles.
Go now.
I don't know, Coin Sorter.
I've already screwed everything up so bad.
I should sit here and wait for her to come to me.
- No.
You go to her.
Leave this room.
- Okay.
[imitates robot.]
But don't talk so much! - What? - It is I, the robot, uh, thermostat.
Thermostat, I should have known.
I can always count on you to cool things down when they get too heated.
You were saying? Sometimes you try to fix problems or make them go away, which comes off as dismissive.
If you want to solve this, listen.
Really hear her.
Beep-boop.
Seventy-two degrees.
Okay.
[both sigh, grunt.]
[normal voice.]
Is this mess why you're moving to Chicago? [normal voice.]
I told you, I'm moving for me.
I get it.
- Are you gonna be okay? - Yeah.
- I mean I don't know.
- You seem okay.
But the reason I had to tell you I was leaving, the reason I came to my ex-husband's house, was because I need to know that you're gonna be okay.
I need to hear you say it.
I can't leave if I don't know you're going to be okay, BoJack.
- I'll be okay.
- Promise? Because if something happens, and I'm in Chicago That's not a friendship, that's a hostage situation.
Go to Chicago.
I'll be fine.
Thank you.
- [Todd gasps.]
- [balloons popping.]
- Hey! - Ruthie? Ruthie! [groans.]
- [both grunting.]
- [balloons popping.]
- There you are! - [giggling.]
Let's get you away from these delightful choking hazards! You know, Todd, you have a knack for this.
Would you wanna be her nanny? I do know her routine and all of her favorite foods and how to do funny voices for bedtime stories, unlike Carlotta who does voices like Cameron Diaz "did a voice" for the Shrek movies.
- [giggles.]
- So, that's a yes then? [music playing over earbuds.]
[sighs.]
I don't want to be mad at you.
It sucks that I have to be mad at you.
This should be the happiest time of my life, but now because you did something stupid, I have to feel bad.
That's not fair.
And I still love you and [sighs.]
I still wanna marry you.
But you can't do things that hurt me like that.
It's not okay.
And if we just go back to the way things were before and pretend nothing happened, I'm gonna feel stupid.
We can't just go back.
How can we make this right? Don't just stand there! I'm talking to you.
I'm sorry.
I want us to stay together.
I want you to trust me.
I wanna make us even somehow.
Even? The only logical way to be even would be if I got to sleep with somebody else.
Okay.
If that's what needs to happen.
- Really? - Yeah, we just have to think who Buzzy.
My high school boyfriend, Buzzy.
Very quick with that name, but okay.
Fine.
No, you don't even know him.
Knowing is what hurts the most.
What if I sleep with Buzzy and Tyler from Soul Cycle? - Two people? - Well, maybe we can keep brainstorming.
If we put our heads together, I know we'll find the perfect guy for you to cheat on me with that makes it totally even, so things can go back to normal and we can get married.
- Thank you.
- [doorbell rings.]
- Hey, guys.
- Diane? I'm just here to randomly apologize for that time we cheated on Pickles twice.
It was a big mistake and it was my fault and it will never happen again.
Also, I think I left my wallet here when I came to your party a year and a half ago.
If you find it, probably under the bed in the master suite, could you mail it to me? I live in Chicago now.
Thanks.
This is Eduardo.
Don't mind him.
He's just keeping me sober.
Found the baby, had a blast, gotta go.
- And here's your boba.
- Thank you.
- Odd.
- [phone buzzing.]
- Oh, my parents are calling.
- Fun! Put 'em on speaker! Back in the 90s I was in a very famous TV show - I'm BoJack the Horseman - BoJack BoJack the Horseman Don't act like you don't know And I'm trying to hold on to my past It's been so long I don't think I'm gonna last I guess I'm just trying To make you understand That I'm more horse than a man - Or I'm more man than a horse - BoJack!
Okay, guys, that is my cat eye tutorial.
It probably works better if you're not a dog, but anyways, like and subscribe.
Oh, and RIP Nelson Mandela and Paul Walker.
- [icon pops.]
- Love you, sassy boys! I just don't feel like doing a makeup tutorial today.
- [whirring.]
- Dad! I'm shooting a video! [Franco.]
Demi! I really thought me and Buzzy were built to last, like Brad and Angelina, or Gwyneth and Coldplay Man, or America and its current love affair with Rebel Wilson.
[sighs.]
I'm sorry, I shouldn't be talking about my personal life.
I just feel so alone.
- [icon pops.]
- Aw! Thank you.
Hey, Pickle Pack! Gettin' ready for another job interview.
I think I'm just gonna lie about having experience.
Right? I got the job! I'm a systems analyst? I got fired my first day as a systems analyst, but then I got a job as an air traffic controller! I got fired my first day as an air traffic controller.
But then I got a job as a waitress! - So, I've been seeing someone.
- [icon pops.]
He's a yellow lab, and he's so handsome and friendly.
[barks and licks.]
- Mister asked me to move in with him! - [icons pop.]
- Hi, Mister! - Oh, are you taking a video? [laughs.]
Thank you, queefburglar69, for that lovely cartoon heart! Get a load of this cool house, Pickle Pack! Lights, off.
Lights, on! - [giggles.]
- Thank you, Robot House! Check this out.
The Thunder Room.
A place to wait out thunderstorms and Fourth of July celebrations! Thunder door, close! [automated voice.]
Closing.
[clunks.]
Thunder Room secure.
Cute! He got down on one knee and everything! He was so nervous before he asked! - Of course I said yes! - [icons pop.]
I think Mister is still in shock! Engaged! That's what we are now! Ring filter! So, I guess I liked the play.
I was just surprised at how different it was from the movie.
I kept waiting for the baseball part.
And so many dysfunctional relationships! All the cheating and lying! [sighs.]
I'm sure glad we're not like that, right, Mister? Um, Pickles, would you mind turning off the livestream? There's something I need to discuss with you.
Privately.
Ooh, I hope it's something good! - [beeps.]
- [sobbing.]
- The wedding is off! [crying.]
- [icons popping.]
[theme music playing.]
- [brakes squeak.]
- [crickets chirping.]
[exhales.]
Hi, I'm here to see BoJack.
You're [hisses.]
too late.
- What? - He's [hisses.]
gone - No! - to a party for the night.
Here's the address.
Sorry for all the wincing.
I put too many jalapeños on my [hisses.]
sandwich.
A party? With alcohol? No, a lame party, without alcohol.
Uh Don't worry.
We sent him with a trained sober companion.
He'll keep him out of trouble.
This is Eduardo.
He's here to keep me out of trouble.
[chuckles.]
Say, aren't you one of those fainting goats? [laughs.]
Only if I panic.
So, what makes you panic? Nothing.
The whole point is he doesn't panic.
Sober companion.
You know what makes me panic? Most of the time I'm an ocean-levels-rising guy, but sometimes I like to dwell on the fact that there will always be invisible walls between myself and those who claim to know me.
[chuckles.]
That sure is nerve-racking, but the only thing that makes me panic is the thought that I might someday drink again.
- A toast to that never happening! - [whimpers and thuds.]
Very helpful.
Thank you, Eduardo.
Oh, I'm just Greg, a guy Mr.
Peanutbutter met at a gas station once.
I honestly don't even know why I got invited to this party.
[Ruthie crying.]
You know, I got a few TV ideas myself.
[chuckles.]
Franco, nobody wants to hear your time-travelling orthodontist pitch! Demi, you are lighting a long fuse on a short stick of dynamite.
Oh, whoop.
And a big one at that.
[inhales, exhales.]
- Diane! Didn't think I'd see you here! - [screams.]
Could you go tell BoJack to come out so I can talk to him? What? I don't have time for your classic Diane wackiness.
We gotta get these to the balloon room! - [coos.]
- [screams.]
- Hey.
- Hey, look who's back in town! - [groans.]
- Wow! Baby! Cute! - [giggling.]
- She's crawling all over the place.
I wasn't gonna bring her out, but another nanny quit on me.
Carlotta quit, huh? I assume she resigned in disgrace for not making good airplane noises when she feeds Ruthie? No, she said she felt she was being watched all day.
Impossible! I'm there around the clock, observing her every move.
- If she was being watched, I'd know! - Uh-huh.
Uh, where do these balloons go? Hello, Pickles' best friend Ilana.
Pickles' other friend Ilana.
Didn't think I'd see you here.
And then of course, there's always the looming fear my spleen could up and re-twist itself.
How are we back in a conversation? It's like I'm trying to canoe out to sea but the current keeps washing me back to the same shallow backwater.
- Hey, there you are.
- Thank God, I'm so glad you're here.
- Never leave my side.
- I have to tell you - Okay, everybody get to your places! - What's happening? Mr.
Peanutbutter's and Pickles' surprise wedding! Surprise wedding? The wedding planning was stressing Mr.
Peanutbutter out, and Pickles loves big romantic surprises.
And I'm not doing much except for sitting at home watching Princess Carolyn's terrible nannies, so naturally I thought, "Ooh! Surprise wedding!" - Where are they now? - I got them two tickets to Angels in the Outfield.
- The movie? - The play.
It's like six hours long.
Do you mean Angels in America? Whatever it is, after that feel-good comedy, they'll be in a great mood for a wedding! Wow.
Okay Look, I cannot be here.
Just I'm moving.
Great, your apartment's a dump.
Where are you moving to? Uh, not Echo Park.
I'll never see you.
- Chicago.
- Chicago? "Chicago" Chicago? Ooh, they just pulled into the driveway! - Shit! Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit! - Why Chicago? Everybody hide and stay quiet.
[slapping and groaning.]
Remember, as soon as the lights go on, just jump up and yell, "Surprise!" - Lights, off! - [lights beep.]
Um, Pickles? Would you mind turning off the livestream? There's something I need to discuss with you.
Privately.
Ooh, I hope it's something good! It's not.
- Lights - Wait! Before Robot House assaults us with the harsh unforgiving glare of our energy-efficient bulbs, I need to tell you this.
But it's so dark in here.
What I'm about to confess is so shameful, I can only admit it in the cover of shadow.
Don't be silly.
Lights, on! - I cheated on you! - [man.]
Surp! - [man shushes.]
- Did someone just say something? Don't change the subject! - [voice breaking.]
You cheated on me? - I am so sorry.
- How could you do this? - It was the worst mistake of my life! And I once played Twister with Bryan Singer at Kevin Spacey's party for Andy Dick's early parole.
I've been in the Thunder Room every night for months trying to swallow my shame.
But I can't.
And I've apparently been so racked with guilt I left the door open.
- Thunder door, close.
- [automated voice.]
Closing.
[clunks.]
Thunder Room secure.
[muffled voice.]
Help! Please! Just because you feel guilty, that doesn't make it okay.
Are you the time I went to see Lady Gaga in concert and she didn't sing "Paparazzi"? Because I am hurt, and I am confused, and I am angry, and nobody told me there was going to be an encore, so I just went home and - [groans.]
- Why am I even talking to you? I need my best friend.
I'm calling Ilana! [gasps.]
But, honestly, can Ilana even relate to me anymore? Since she got that new Sunday-to-Thursday job she's turned into a real See-You-Next-Friday.
I never thought I'd say this, but sometimes I feel like I prefer my other friend Ilana.
Sometimes it's just easier to talk to a person who has nothing else going on.
- What? - Please don't tell the Ilanas about this.
I'm gonna tell everybody about this.
I'm a Gemini.
No! Think of my family! They need me to be strong right now.
Poor Captain Peanutbutter.
He recently confided to me he feels trapped in a loveless marriage with Mrs.
Captain Peanutbutter.
- [laughs awkwardly.]
- Well, can you blame her? Excuse me? Every time I get trapped in a conversation with Captain, I think, "If I was married to this guy, I would gnaw my own hand off just to get the ring off my body.
" At least no one in my family has anger issues.
My father has come so far with his anger management classes! I'm sorry, but your father is a hot head with a little pug complex.
- Everyone makes excuses - [snarling.]
for his outbursts.
"I don't know what's gotten into Franco.
- He's not usually like that.
" - [shushes.]
- Trust me.
He's like that.
- How dare you.
And the way your mother provokes him! I think they get off on it, and they're making us unwilling participants in their kinky foreplay.
Ew! Those are my parents! - And don't even get me started on Greg.
- [shushes.]
That guy that I met once at that gas station! - Why are you bringing him up? - I don't know, but he sucks, too! - Oh.
- There, I got it off my chest.
I know who I need right now.
No, Pickles.
Please don't TweedFeed this.
I understand your Pickle Pack is part of how you process pain.
Wrong, Mister Mister.
The Pack isn't part of anything.
They are everything.
When I stabbed myself in the eye with a boba straw, they all sent me photos of themselves wearing eyepatches.
And when my Grandma Piccolino died, stickyvicki was the first person to say "LMAO.
Sorry for your loss.
" My subscribers are with me through thick and thin.
And they have never strayed.
Unsubscribe! [crying.]
[Diane grunts.]
- [groans.]
- I never thought this would have so much practical application in my life, but you could tie some sheets together and make a rope.
- [Mr.
Peanutbutter.]
Pickles, wait! - [Pickles.]
No! You stay! Bedroom lights, on! - Down! - [whispers.]
Go, go, go.
- [crying.]
- [BoJack grunts.]
- [Diane groans.]
- [BoJack grunts.]
[crying, groaning.]
The wedding is off! [sobbing.]
He cheated on me! - [wailing.]
- [both groaning.]
- Freezer, ice.
- [automated voice.]
Dispensing.
Water filter, filtrate.
- [pouring.]
- [Pickles sobbing.]
Oh, I have to talk to her! [pants.]
[clamoring.]
- [man.]
Go, go, go, go, go! - Let's hit the bricks and quick.
- Um, Princess Carolyn - Oh, fish! I mean, I've been hurt by guys before.
But this, I just feel so stupid.
- [text pops.]
- My God, thank you, not even.
[knocks.]
Hi.
I know you are quite upset, but Are you not listening? I told you to leave me alone.
- Right, but - Oh! You want a makeup tutorial? Here's a makeup tutorial: We are never making up! - Wha - Door, slam! Okay.
Here's how to look like a crying, pugly freak! [Pickles.]
So, you're gonna want a mascara that really runs - So, why Chicago? - What? What's the draw? Is it the rampant gun violence? Or do you just like seeing improv actors who aren't good enough for LA? - Or is there a guy? - Uh What's his name, your suitor? Your gentleman caller? - Guy.
- Fine.
What's your guy's name? No.
Guy is the name of the guy I'm not moving to Chicago for.
What's the name of the guy you are moving to Chicago for? I think we're done here.
[cooing.]
- Ruthie.
- This is all your fault.
If you hadn't creeped out every nanny I hire I wouldn't have to monitor them so closely if you hadn't hired a bunch of quacks! Ooh! Duck! [grunts.]
[Mr.
Peanutbutter whimpering.]
What's with all this mid-century furniture so close to the ground? - No one had to hide in the '50s? - Close to the ground, that's it! We've gotta think like a baby! I'm a baby.
I don't have a job.
I love being wrapped up in soft, red hoodies.
And when I'm feeling low, I like to get high.
[gasps.]
Ruthie's a climber! [panting.]
Just as I suspected.
[licks.]
Fresh drool.
It's Ruthie.
Todd! - [coos.]
- [BoJack grunts.]
[sighs.]
So, I obviously can't marry him, right? What do you guys think I should do? - Hey.
Give me that.
- [text pops.]
"You should make Mr.
Peanutbutter take you to the park, far away from this mouse.
" What mouse? [groans.]
- [text pops.]
- Great idea! - Door, open! - [both gasp.]
- Hey, Mister! Take me to the park! - [giggling.]
- [Mr.
Peanutbutter.]
Can do! - I'll be right down! Okay, Pickle Pack, let's pick out an outfit.
What says, "I am going to survive this because I am strong, - but you should still feel very bad"? - Uh - Go, baby! Go to mama! Oh.
- [giggles.]
But what if we go for a walk and he says all the right things and I forgive him? I can't make it so easy for him, can I? Oh, my God.
That is an even better idea, MarciFartz.
Hey, Mister! Cancel the park and come here.
What? Stay out of my shit, MarciFartz! - [Mr.
Peanutbutter.]
On my way, darling! - Kitty up.
[grunts.]
- [Ruthie blows.]
- [Princess Carolyn sighs.]
Bring me my favorite drink.
Exactly the way I like it.
Then we'll talk.
Of course, right away! [BoJack grunts.]
[groans.]
Of course he'll make my drink perfect.
Because he's perfect! I mean, look at him! And and Look at him! - [BoJack groaning.]
- Um Oh! And him, as portrayed in this boardwalk caricature drawing! I didn't know he liked tennis and skateboarding.
What else has he been hiding from me? [sighs.]
I mean, is it me? Was I not good enough? [text popping.]
Yeah, I'm not the problem! In fact, why am I even in his house? - [pops.]
- I need to pack! [groans.]
I'm going to a fancy-ass hotel.
- And - [gasps.]
I'm gonna try to get my room comped in exchange for social media promotion! And then they'll say no.
And then I'll pay for the room and drag them online.
Hate to leave you hanging.
[grunts.]
- [coos.]
- Yeah.
Wait a minute! Why should I leave? - He's the one who cheated! - [exhales.]
[grunting.]
He can live in the dog park for all I care! [text popping.]
- [rustling.]
- [Princess Carolyn groans.]
But then, why do I want him to stay? - I'm so confused.
- [text pops.]
Good call, tchavez! - [notification dings.]
- You're welcome.
Oh, no! - [sighs.]
- Phew! Boba Maker.
Uh boba make? [whirs and squirts.]
[automated voice.]
Would you like whipped cream? Uh Hey, so, uh, sobriety.
How is it? [scoffs.]
Impossible.
Uh There's no clear path to the exit.
You can wait it out, I'm doing the window.
It's not because of me that you're moving to Chicago? No.
I need to go.
[Mr.
Peanutbutter.]
Pickles? Precious? Possible point of complexity Son of a bitch.
[grunting.]
I know your favorite drink is boba, but just the other day, you said, "Whipped cream is the best thing in the world" immediately followed by, and this is a direct quote, "So, keep it as far away from me as possible!" I just wanted to circle back.
[music playing over earbuds.]
Yeah.
Don't get me wrong, I love the challenge of trying to square two irreconcilable positions.
- Where's the baby? There's the baby! - [giggling.]
Where's the baby? [gasps.]
Shit! Where's the baby? [glass shatters.]
Bang-crash, you say! I hear the note.
I'll be right back with your drink prepared exactly the way you want it! [Princess Carolyn grunts.]
Here.
You know how in AA they give you chips? - But no salsa? - Using that.
But they're a big deal, the chips.
Sure, they brainwash you into thinking they're more important than they are, but when I got my two-month chip I thought, "I wish Diane could see this.
" I see it.
It's amazing.
It would not be improved by salsa.
[Pickles.]
Door, open! [both gasp, grunting.]
No! No! - [BoJack scoffs.]
- [Pickles humming.]
Hmm.
Sunshine, I have your boba.
[Pickles.]
No whipped cream, I hope.
Of course not.
You always know how I like it.
Is there any chance we could talk IRL? Intimately, rigorously, lengthily? [inhales, exhales.]
You know, what's funny is now I actually want the whipped cream.
Well, good news, because, uh - Hmm - I don't want to be mad at you.
That's great! - No, it's not - I know I caused you pain, but we can get through this.
I still wanna marry you.
Do you still want to marry me? Promise me you'll never lie to me again? I promise.
Then I guess we could put it behind us if it just happened the one time.
It did! One time! One unit of cheating.
Comprised of two separate instances.
- What? - But the spirit of it was once.
Well, at least you told me right away.
- It happened a few months ago.
- What? - But I'm being honest with you now! - Okay.
At least it wasn't with someone I know.
It was Diane.
Diane, the nice lady from the chew toy store? Diane, my ex-wife? That's so much worse! You are a bad dog! - No.
No.
No! - [shrieks.]
- [shattering.]
- [Mr.
Peanutbutter groans.]
[Pickles crying.]
[crying continues.]
Come on, Eduardo.
Hold it together.
You're not just a fainting goat.
You're a trained sober companion.
Just do what the sign says.
No! [thuds.]
- [music playing over earbuds.]
- [sighs.]
[whirring.]
- Vacuum, stop.
- [automated voice.]
Stopping.
Coin sorter, sort.
[tinkling.]
Oh, Coin Sorter, I'd love to toss my problems in a tray and say, "Here, sort these out.
" I know it doesn't work that way, but if only this smart house could give some advice to this stupid dog.
- [BoJack imitates robot.]
Go to her.
- Coin Sorter? Go to Pickles.
Go now.
I don't know, Coin Sorter.
I've already screwed everything up so bad.
I should sit here and wait for her to come to me.
- No.
You go to her.
Leave this room.
- Okay.
[imitates robot.]
But don't talk so much! - What? - It is I, the robot, uh, thermostat.
Thermostat, I should have known.
I can always count on you to cool things down when they get too heated.
You were saying? Sometimes you try to fix problems or make them go away, which comes off as dismissive.
If you want to solve this, listen.
Really hear her.
Beep-boop.
Seventy-two degrees.
Okay.
[both sigh, grunt.]
[normal voice.]
Is this mess why you're moving to Chicago? [normal voice.]
I told you, I'm moving for me.
I get it.
- Are you gonna be okay? - Yeah.
- I mean I don't know.
- You seem okay.
But the reason I had to tell you I was leaving, the reason I came to my ex-husband's house, was because I need to know that you're gonna be okay.
I need to hear you say it.
I can't leave if I don't know you're going to be okay, BoJack.
- I'll be okay.
- Promise? Because if something happens, and I'm in Chicago That's not a friendship, that's a hostage situation.
Go to Chicago.
I'll be fine.
Thank you.
- [Todd gasps.]
- [balloons popping.]
- Hey! - Ruthie? Ruthie! [groans.]
- [both grunting.]
- [balloons popping.]
- There you are! - [giggling.]
Let's get you away from these delightful choking hazards! You know, Todd, you have a knack for this.
Would you wanna be her nanny? I do know her routine and all of her favorite foods and how to do funny voices for bedtime stories, unlike Carlotta who does voices like Cameron Diaz "did a voice" for the Shrek movies.
- [giggles.]
- So, that's a yes then? [music playing over earbuds.]
[sighs.]
I don't want to be mad at you.
It sucks that I have to be mad at you.
This should be the happiest time of my life, but now because you did something stupid, I have to feel bad.
That's not fair.
And I still love you and [sighs.]
I still wanna marry you.
But you can't do things that hurt me like that.
It's not okay.
And if we just go back to the way things were before and pretend nothing happened, I'm gonna feel stupid.
We can't just go back.
How can we make this right? Don't just stand there! I'm talking to you.
I'm sorry.
I want us to stay together.
I want you to trust me.
I wanna make us even somehow.
Even? The only logical way to be even would be if I got to sleep with somebody else.
Okay.
If that's what needs to happen.
- Really? - Yeah, we just have to think who Buzzy.
My high school boyfriend, Buzzy.
Very quick with that name, but okay.
Fine.
No, you don't even know him.
Knowing is what hurts the most.
What if I sleep with Buzzy and Tyler from Soul Cycle? - Two people? - Well, maybe we can keep brainstorming.
If we put our heads together, I know we'll find the perfect guy for you to cheat on me with that makes it totally even, so things can go back to normal and we can get married.
- Thank you.
- [doorbell rings.]
- Hey, guys.
- Diane? I'm just here to randomly apologize for that time we cheated on Pickles twice.
It was a big mistake and it was my fault and it will never happen again.
Also, I think I left my wallet here when I came to your party a year and a half ago.
If you find it, probably under the bed in the master suite, could you mail it to me? I live in Chicago now.
Thanks.
This is Eduardo.
Don't mind him.
He's just keeping me sober.
Found the baby, had a blast, gotta go.
- And here's your boba.
- Thank you.
- Odd.
- [phone buzzing.]
- Oh, my parents are calling.
- Fun! Put 'em on speaker! Back in the 90s I was in a very famous TV show - I'm BoJack the Horseman - BoJack BoJack the Horseman Don't act like you don't know And I'm trying to hold on to my past It's been so long I don't think I'm gonna last I guess I'm just trying To make you understand That I'm more horse than a man - Or I'm more man than a horse - BoJack!