Buffy the Vampire Slayer s06e04 Episode Script

Previously on "Buffy the Vampire Slayer": Mom? I'm sorry.
Your mother's dead.
Anya, you wanna marry me? "I've gone.
Not one for long goodbyes, I thought it best to slip out quietly.
" "Love to you all.
Giles.
" There he goes.
Guys, I need you on board here.
This is deep stuff, Willow.
We're talking about raising the dead.
It's time we stopped talking.
What if something does go wrong? I can do this, I promise.
But not without you.
Osiris, here lies the warrior of the people.
Let her cross over.
Release her.
It was Buffy, right? We saw her and it was really Buffy? - I think we screwed it up.
- No.
She's just disoriented from being tormented in some Hell dimension.
She's been through a lot.
What did you do? I haven't been to a Hell dimension just of late, but I do know a thing or two about torment.
Wherever I was I was happy.
I think I was in Heaven.
I was torn out of there by my friends.
Everything here is hard and violent.
This is Hell.
So we meet at last, Mr Drippy.
- Want me to call a plumber? - No.
- You sure? - Yes.
- Got the number.
- Dawn, I'm on it, OK? Ah! There.
All better.
Man.
How much water can they fit in one set of pipes? If I understand right, the entire city water supply.
- It's like little clown cars in the circus.
- Told you we should've called the plumber.
You were right.
Plumber will make everything good.
Dawnie, you're not eating breakfast.
Dawn, breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
It's unbelievably important.
You should eat breakfast at least three times a day.
I'll, um grab something before school.
And a big Sunnydale round of applause for Tito the Amazing, plumber extraordinaire.
How's it look down there? Like we should start gathering up two of every animal.
Basically, your pipes are shot.
The whole system's gonna have to be replaced.
What you need is a full copper re-pipe job.
Full copper re-pipe? That sounds potentially pricey.
Well, if you have any questions, our number's on the invoice.
That's a weird phone number.
Oh, wait.
Is that the bill? Hey.
Tito cut you a good deal.
Those are his bargain prices.
- I did a little haggling for you.
- Thank you.
So we'll pay him.
What's the big deal? Buffy, I know you're still getting back on your feet after Lying flat on my back? Yeah.
But there's some money stuff we're gonna have to talk to you about.
OK.
So you're telling me I'm broke? - Not yet, but - Money's definitely becoming an issue.
As in your being almost out of it.
But I haven't spent any money.
I was all dead and frugal.
I know this comes as a bit of a shock after a bit of a shock.
It took us by surprise too.
Your mother prepared everything really well.
She had insurance Life insurance.
Which should have left you covered, but hospital bills.
- Pretty much sucked up all the money.
- Which you're still haemorrhaging.
- How am I doing that? - No, not you.
The house.
See, this house, just sitting here, doing nothing, by itself costs money.
So what do we do? Easy.
We burn the house to the ground and collect the insurance.
Plus fire - pretty.
You guys, I'm kidding.
OK, it's bills, it's money.
It's pieces of paper sent by bureaucrats that we've never even met.
It's not like it's the end of the world.
Which is too bad, you know, cos that I'm really good at.
I'll take care of this.
I promise.
I just don't know how yet.
I know how.
If you wanna pay every bill here, and every bill coming, and have enough to start a nice college fund for Dawn, start charging.
- For what? - Slaying vampires! You're providing a valuable service to the whole community.
I say cash in.
Well, that's an idea you would have.
Any other suggestions? Well, I mean, it's not so crazy.
Yes, it is! You can't charge innocent people for saving their lives.
- Spider-Man does.
- He does not! - Does too.
- Does no Xander? "Action is his reward.
" Why don't you ever take my side? What are you talking about, taking your side? Anya, I am your side! You're throwin' away a gold mine.
Come on.
Wait up.
Anya! What's wrong with you? Ask your best friend Spider-Man.
If you won't support me I'm totally supportive! I'm a flying buttress of support! No, you're not.
This is because I haven't told them about the engagement.
No Maybe Yes.
It's painful and confusing! I mean, first you give me this beautiful ring, and then I can't wear it in public.
Do you know how depressing that is? Anya, I promise, your waiting days are almost over.
I know it's frustrating, but the way I understand this marriage thing, it's kind of a forever deal.
Not if you never get started.
Don't you wanna get married? Yes.
So then why won't you tell them? Because I'm still getting used to the miracle of a steady pay check and getting out of my parents' house.
And this this husband thing, it's a big step.
Or a lot of little ones.
And I love you so much.
I just want every step to be just right.
Really? Hey! You tricked me! Just now, with your fancy talk and lips! You keep doing this, and I keep forgetting, and you keep stalling! - Anya! - When are you gonna grow up, Xander? There's a first time for everything is my philosophy.
This is my first big loan.
Collateral? No problem.
No problem.
No problem.
I love that tie.
I'm a problem solver.
Let's crunch those numbers! Stupid skirt.
- Hello.
- Sorry to keep you waiting.
- Carl Savitsky, loan officer.
- Buffy Summers, loan applier-for.
I didn't know what you would need, so I brought everything.
- I'm very responsible in that way.
- OK.
I don't think I'll need this or these.
Old report cards definitely not.
So, about my getting a loan Yes, well, um it looks as if, financially, we have a bit of a tangle.
I know.
And I figured you could just cut through that tangle with scissors.
You know, where the loan is the scissors? Ms Summers, the only collateral you have is your house, which was never fully leveraged and has been losing equity over the last several years.
For some reason, Sunnydale property values aren't competitive.
Refinancing's out of the question.
Are you saying you won't give me my loan? Well, the problem is you have no income.
No job.
No job? I wish.
Hey! Are you in the wrong line? That's for deposits, that's withdrawals, and this one is for getting kicked in the face.
Stupid skirt.
May l? Put the girl down.
These things? Never helpful.
Now, about my loan.
I'm not saying I'm charging you for saving your life or anything, but Let's talk rates.
He still turned you down? That's crazy! Even if the bank did get robbed, which you battling demons couldn't possibly know, you would think there would be some kind of reward.
They're, like, "We won't give you money unless you prove you don't need it.
" What kind of system is that? You're askin' the wrong gal.
Hey.
Buffy, you're mad.
You noticed.
It'll pass.
No.
Anger is a big, powerful emotion you should feel.
Well, that's good then.
- It's gone now.
- OK, let me make you mad again.
Uh Ready? Last semester, I slept with Riley.
- And, you know, I really doubt it.
- Caught me.
Big fib.
To cover up the sleazy affair I had with Angel.
Will, what the hell are you doing? - Pissing you off.
- Yes, true.
Why? Well, cos you know since you've been back, you haven't exactly been big with the whole range of human emotions thing.
What do you mean? Well, you haven't No, I mean, it's just, um You know, this is really my problem.
I'm just I'm all over the place.
You should just forget I even said anything, cos Well, cos you know banks, man.
Don't be such a wiener dog.
Look at them.
Researching demons for the billionth time.
They could use a peppy boost of happy news.
You're right.
I'll tell them.
- As soon as Buffy and Willow come in.
- Chicken.
- Will you stop? - Dare you.
Anya, if I tell them we're engaged right after you dared me to, wouldn't you always wonder if that's the only reason I did it? Oh.
Score one for Captain Logic.
No, no.
Captain Logic is not steering this tugboat.
I smell Captain Fear at the wheel.
God, I hate this.
This tone in my voice? I dislike it more than you, and I'm closer to it.
Oh, come on, Tara.
I am so old enough to do research.
Do you really think I'm not mature enough? I think you're very mature for your age, but you're still only 15.
Right.
15, as in teenager.
You know, if you don't let me look at the pictures, I'm gonna learn everything I know about demons on the street.
- Knock yourself out.
- Thank you.
See? No biggie.
I can totally handle it.
That's a weird place for a horn.
That's not a horn.
You know, I still don't get it.
What kind of a demon would rob a bank? - The kind that wants money.
- What do you even call that? This? I'm guessing on how you say it.
It's got an apostrophe.
I think it's M'Fashnik.
Like "Mmm, cookies.
" Or maybe M'Fashnik.
Like "Muh Fashnik.
" This your guy? You do research now? Want a cappuccino and a pack of cigarettes to go with it? - Would you just look at the picture? - Not the profile for your typical bank robber.
Maybe they turned down his loan application.
That's him.
Big bad.
This thing was strong, guys.
- No weapons that I could see, but still .
.
real dangerous.
Oh, God, Buffy! You're alive.
You're here.
And you're still remarkably strong.
Huh? Oh.
Sorry.
Willow told me, but I didn't let myself believe it.
I take a little getting used to.
I'm still getting used to me.
It's You're - A miracle.
- Yes.
But then I always thought so.
So I can start.
How was England? How was Life? I'm not really sure how to answer that.
Well, I arrived home.
I, uh, met with the Council - Always a good time.
- Yes.
Otherwise, there's nothing really to report.
I, um keep a flat in Bath.
I met with a few old friends.
Almost made a new one, which I think is statistically impossible for a man of my age.
- And now you're back.
- Yes.
Wow.
Giles, are you miserable about it, or just really British? I can't lie to you, Buffy.
Leaving Sunnydale was difficult.
And, uh coming back is I'm guessing the word is "inconvenient"? No.
Bewildering? And how are you really? - You look tired.
- Me? Nah.
Fine.
I mean, you know, sleeping's hard, but just because of the whole waking up in a box thing.
So maybe waking up's the problem - but just for a second.
I sleep OK.
Great, even.
Except, you know, for the dreams.
You seem to be doing remarkably well under extreme circumstances.
I'm proud of you.
Well, actually it wasn't me.
Willow brought me back.
I just lay there.
- No, I meant - I know what you meant.
It was just a little post-postmortem comedy.
Well, l better start prepping.
Slayage.
- Yes, there is always that, isn't there? - Seems that way.
Giles! We're so glad to see you.
We missed you.
- You can't have the store back.
- I know.
Do we have information on this new demon that I suddenly find desperately interesting? - That we do.
- This one robs banks.
Oh.
I found him.
- M'Fashnik.
Oh.
- Aha! Like "Mm, cookies.
" - No, quite different, actually.
- You know it? By reputation.
They come from a long line of mercenary demons that perform acts of slaughter and mayhem for the highest bidder.
Well, it is the American way.
Yes, but the question now becomes what's powerful enough to control one of those things? We had a deal.
You got what you wanted, now give me what I want - the head of the Slayer.
- OK.
- Sure.
We can do that.
You hired me to create chaos and carnage for you.
Told me you were powerful men, commanding machines, magics, the demon realms below.
- We are.
- We're, like, super villains.
- Which one of you is the leader? - I am.
- I will kill the leader.
- He is.
- I will kill you all.
- Wait! No fair! It's not our fault the Slayer was there.
- We said we'd pay you, and we're gonna.
- Yes! Truly, Lord Jonathan is the wisest of us all.
Yeah, long live our noble lord and master.
You guys suck.
You can't pay me with paper, tiny king.
You pitted me against the Slayer.
For that, I must kill you.
Then I will suck dry your bones and use them to beat your subjects to death.
Whoa, whoa! Big guy, hey.
Let's back things up a parsec.
You kill us everybody loses.
You let us live, we give you - Give me what? - Name it! Well, between the three of us, we can pretty much do anything.
Like if you want a spell to make you look super cool to the other demons? - I'm all over that action, my friend.
- Or, just throwin' it out, robot girlfriend? For those long, lonely nights after a hard day's slaughter? You could do this? Don't trust him.
Robo pimp-daddy's all mouth.
Shut up! You're just mad I wouldn't build you Christina Ricci.
- You owe me, man.
- Or else what? You'll train another pack of devil dogs to ruin my prom? Graduated! That wasn't me.
How many times do I have to say it? - The prom thing was my brother Tucker.
- Yeah, well, tell him I was at that prom.
Hello! Screen wipe, new scene.
I had nothing to do with the devil dogs.
I trained flying demon monkeys to attack the school play.
School play, dude! - That was cool.
That was kinda cool.
- Everyone was, like, "Run, Juliet!" Enough! Nothing you can offer me will satisfy your debt to me.
I don't want your toys, or your spells, flying monkey demons I want the Slayer dead! - OK.
- Done.
One dead Slayer comin' up.
Could you give us a minute? For what? Well, we really wanna nail down the optimum method for us to wipe out the Slayer for you.
Make sure it involves pain.
I know they're so cute you could die, but it's all I got.
Think nothing of it.
It's, um whimsical.
They were mine when I was little.
Couldn't find the guest sheets.
Mom always did this stuff.
They don't actually fit.
I blame the sofa.
We need one of those pull-out kinds.
The kind with no payments till two-thousand-and-infinity.
What? Oh, it's just money stuff.
It turns out Mom left me some, and, while I was dead, it got squandered on luxuries like food and clothing.
How bad is it? Anya says pretty bad.
I'm kinda taking her word for it.
- Actually, I'm trying to not think about it.
- Sound policy.
At least for tonight.
Figured I'd put it out of my mind, you know, take a break, get some perspective.
And then wake up at 4am terrified.
You're putting too much pressure on yourself.
I mean, to return from some unknown level of Hell It's only natural that coming back will be a process.
In the meantime, I'm scaring people.
Well, that can take time too.
Well, if it's any consolation, life can be pretty overwhelming even for people who haven't been where you have.
I guess.
Tomorrow morning, you and I will sit down and go through everything.
Every bill, one by one.
We'll work it out together.
I'm glad you're back.
Well, I'm glad you are too.
Are we really gonna kill her? - That's so sad.
- Shut up, Whine-athan.
But I don't want to kill Buffy either.
Yeah, she saved my life a bunch of times.
Plus, she's hot.
- It's her or us.
We have to do it.
- We're talking about murder.
No, we're talking about staying alive, and as this is my mom's house, what I say goes.
But aside from the moral issues, and the mess, we can get in trouble for murder.
Duh! The last I checked, the authorities also frown on bank robbery too, you genius! I don't even know if we could kill Buffy.
She's got super strength.
Killing people this is not why we got together in the first place.
Yeah.
We teamed up with one clear, super cool mission statement.
Remember? So you guys wanna team up and take over Sunnydale? OK.
- Of course I remember.
It was last month.
- Then you know we have a mission! Shrink rays, trained gorillas.
Workable prototype jetpacks, and chicks, chicks, chicks.
- I know that's the action I signed on for.
- Me too.
Ixnay on the urder-may.
- Vote.
- OK.
Who's for not killing Buffy? Agreed.
So what are we gonna do about this M'Fashnik guy? Ah! Wait here, OK? I got an idea.
Here's the Slayer's name and address.
You wanna kill her, make it so.
How'd you make him do that? What are you, some kind of Jedi? The Force can sometimes have great power on the weak-minded.
Hm.
Hey, Giles.
You have a good talk with Buffy? Yes, now she's back.
- Isn't it awesome? - Mm.
Tell me about the spell you performed.
Oh, OK.
First of all, so scary.
Like, the Blair Witch would have had to watch like this.
And this giant snake came out of my mouth, and there was all this energy crackling, and this pack of demons interrupted, but I totally kept it together.
And then, next thing you know, Buffy.
You're a very stupid girl.
What? Giles Do you have any idea what you've done? The forces you've harnessed, the lines you've crossed? I thought you'd be impressed or something.
Oh, don't worry, you've made a very deep impression.
Of everyone here, you were the one that I trusted most to respect the forces of nature.
Are you saying you don't trust me? Think what you've done to Buffy.
- I brought her back.
- At incredible risk! Risk? Of what? Making her deader? Of killing us all, unleashing Hell on Earth.
Shall I go on? No! Giles, I did what I had to do.
I did what nobody else could do.
Oh, others in this world can do what you did.
You just don't wanna meet them.
No, probably not, but well, they're the bad guys.
I'm not a bad guy.
I brought Buffy back into this world, and maybe the word you should be looking for is "congratulations".
Having Buffy back in this world makes me feel indescribably wonderful, but I wouldn't congratulate you if you'd jumped off a cliff and survived.
- That's not what I did, Giles.
- You were lucky.
I wasn't lucky.
I was amazing.
- How would you know? You weren't there.
- I'd have stopped you.
The magics you channelled are more ferocious than anything you can understand, and you are lucky to be alive, you rank, arrogant amateur! You're right.
The magics I used are very powerful.
I'm very powerful.
And maybe it's not such a good idea for you to piss me off.
Come on, Giles.
I don't wanna fight.
Let's not, OK? I'll think about what you said, and you try to be happy Buffy's back.
We still don't know where she was or what happened to her.
And I'm far from convinced she's come out of all this undamaged.
Hello, Spike.
You hear all that noise? Just enough to make me feel crappy.
You know Watcher-boy doesn't mean anything by it.
I guess.
Everyone They all care.
They all care so much, it makes it all harder.
I'm not sure I followed you round that bend, love.
I don't know I just I feel like I'm spending all of my time trying to be OK, so they don't worry.
It's exhausting.
And then l And that makes them worry even more.
You want me to take them out? Give me a hell of a headache, but I could probably thin the herd a little.
Knew I could get a grin.
Why are you always around when I'm miserable? Cos that's when you're alone, I reckon.
I'm not one for crowds myself these days.
Me, neither.
That works out nicely then.
So what do you know about finances? Dawn? - Couldn't sleep? - Not really.
You? Evidently not.
You ever try mixing parts of every cereal you got in one bowl? Does it work? Gonna find out.
Wanna come join the experiment? Why don't I be your control group? I find as you get older that you lose patience with throwing up.
- Is that locked? - It should be.
You're not the Slayer.
But you'll do for a start.
You're payin' for that door, buddy.
Oh! Table! - You have cost me, Slayer.
- I cost you? That's a designer lamp, you mook! Spike, no! I want him in the kitchen! Open the door! The basement! I'm takin' him down.
No! Full copper re-pipe! No more full copper re-pipe! Whoa.
Did you know this place was flooded? I think we got a lot to feel good about.
We got the money, we got the lair And our one loose end has been taken care of by the Slayer.
Flame-thrower's up.
Periscope's working.
Looks like your mom's weeding tulips again.
Action figures fully deployed.
I still can't believe it.
We did it! We can do anything.
- We could stay up all night if we wanna.
- Whoa, whoa! - Don't get all crazy on us, Andrew.
- I was only saying.
What are we gonna do about Buffy? Sooner or later, the Slayer's gotta come after us.
- Bring her on.
- We could hypnotise her.
Make her our willing sex bunny.
I'm putting that on the list! Is this the life, or what? I mean, we got all the stuff we ever wanted, and we didn't even have to - Earn it? - Exactamundo.
It's true, my friends.
The way I see it, life is like an interstellar journey.
Some people go into hyper sleep and travel at sub-light speeds, only to get where they're going after years of struggle, toil and hard, hard work.
- We, on the other hand - Blast through space-time in a wormhole? Gentlemen, crime is our wormhole.
But everyone knows, if the width of a wormhole cavity is a whole number of wavelengths plus a fraction of one, the coinciding particle activity collapses the infrastructure.
Dude, don't be a geek.
- This is gonna take forever, isn't it? - Not forever.
Just a very long time.
Here it is.
Your first approximation of your spanking new debt.
I've trashed this house so many times.
How did Mom pay for this? For starters, she saved money with this crappy-ass coffee table.
- Well, there's always that charging option.
- No! I will definitely probably not be doing that.
Well, I know I'm back in America now I've been knocked unconscious.
Thank you.
Poor lumpy Giles.
What do you think the demon wanted anyway? Aside from costing you a bundle.
Don't know.
Now he's way too dead to answer that question.
- Wish I knew who hired him.
- Ooh, I could do a locator spell.
Or not.
That's it.
It's been four hours.
I'm calling it, people.
This coffee table, it's gone.
Damn it! Also, this lamp's in critical condition.
Well, let's take these things out to the trash and give'em a decent throwin' out.
Buffy - I don't think I can do this.
- Yes, you can.
Your mother dealt with this sort of thing all the time.
She took one crisis at a time, without the aid of any superpowers, and got through it all.
So can you.
- You sure? - I'm positive.
Who's calling me? Everybody I know lives here.
I'll be back.
I bet it's creditors.
The hounding's begun.
I read about it.
- So you think we'll starve? - I very much doubt it.
No chance I'd have to quit school to work in a poorly ventilated sweatshop? Poorly ventilated What have you been reading? Buffy, what is it? Angel.
- Is he in trouble? - He knows that I'm He needs to see me.
I have to see him.
Of course.
You'll leave for LA tomorrow.
Not LA.
And not here.
Somewhere in the middle.
- There's a place.
- I see.
Well, we should get these bills out of the way I have to go now.
Um Thanks for taking care of this for me.