Dad's Army (1968) s06e04 Episode Script

Who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk we're on the run? We are the boys who wIll stop your lIttle game We are the boys who wIll make you thInk agaIn 'Cause who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.
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2 1 But he comes home each evenIng and he's ready wIth hIs gun So who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? This is a very impressive weapon, this is, sir.
As soon as them Nazi parrotroopers cop a load of this, you won't see their heels for dust.
Do we have to drag this great, big gun out here with us, sir? It's an awful fag.
An awful fag? We're on active service, Wilson.
This gun plays a very important part in the efficiency test we're going to do today.
The orders clearly stated, ''Bring the Smith gun.
'' That's right, sir.
It says here, ''Bring sandwiches and the Smith gun.
'' Get the men loaded, will you, Jones? I can't, sir.
The van's locked and Walker's got the key.
Well, go and get it.
And hurry up, it's getting late.
Got you.
Hurry up, sir.
Yes, sir.
-You get the cover made for the gun, Godfrey? -Yes, sir.
-Where is it? -It's in the cab, sir.
My sister Dolly worked on it till after midnight.
Well, go and get it and put it on.
-Go and help him, Frazer.
-Right, sir.
Joe, where's the key to the van? Mr Mainwaring wishes to make an early start.
Joe.
Where's he got to? (Phone ringing) Jack Jones the butcher.
Listen, I gave Joe ?50 in oncers for half a ton of onions.
And I want them here.
He promised to bring them round to my shop yesterday.
Where are they? Well, don't ask me.
Well, I want them round here at once.
Well, you can't see him.
We're going away for the weekend.
-Going away for the weekend? -Yes.
We're going on a Home Guard proficiency test.
Listen, I'm coming round there to get my onions.
And if I don't get them, mate, there won't be bread in your sausages, there'll be you! And I shan't be fussy where I put the seasoning.
Joe.
Joe.
We've got the cover on the gun, sir.
Would you like to have a look at it? Ah, thank you, Frazer.
-What's this, Godfrey? -My sister Dolly made it out of an old chair cover.
Wilson, it makes us look like a lot of pansies.
His sister went to an awful lot of trouble, sir.
Don't hurt his feelings.
Very well.
It's awfully nice, Godfrey, but I don't think we really need it now, you know.
After all, it's not raining.
-Sir.
-Ah, Walker.
Unlock the van.
Well, that's gonna be a bit difficult, sir.
-Why? Haven't you got the key? -I've got the key, sir, but -Well, you see the thing is, that's not really -Give it to me.
And, Walker, if you've been up to any monkey business, I shall be down on you like a ton of bricks.
You're all oniony.
You're all oniony, Mr Mainwaring.
You see, those onions don't belong to me.
I was delivering them to a customer.
How dare you? I'll talk to you afterwards.
Come on, Wilson, let's go.
Hadn't we better unload the onions first? -There's no time for that now, we're already late.
-All right.
Get the men on board.
Tell them to climb over the onions.
At the double! On the onions! Climb! Get a move on.
-Uncle Arthur.
-Yes? I can't travel on top of all those onions, I shall cry my eyes out.
Don't be so namby-pamby, Frank.
Get on board with the others.
-I shall tell Mum.
-Oh, Frank, just get on.
Go.
-Wilson.
-Coming.
Here! Where do you think you're going with my onions? -Pick them up, Mr Yateman! -Yes, Mr Hodges.
I want my onions! Do you hear me? I want my onions! Oh, my foot! Get in my lorry, we'll follow them! For heaven's sake, stop that sniffling, boy.
I'm sorry, Mr Mainwaring, I can't help it.
It's the onions.
-Haven't you got a handkerchief? -No.
-Wilson.
-Yes, sir.
-Give this boy a handkerchief.
-All right.
You know, sir, we really ought not to go on these efficiency tests.
-I mean, it's courting disaster.
-Oh, nonsense.
Anyway, we'd have a job to get out of it, wouldn't we? Look.
Move down one, will you, boy? Every other Home Guard unit in our area has been on them.
If we funked it, they'd say it's because we hadn't any confidence in ourselves.
Well, I have every confidence in ourselves, Captain Mainwaring.
Thank you, Jones.
And I have confidence in you because you have confidence in yourself.
And you have confidence in yourself because you have confidence in us.
And even if you hadn't got confidence in us, you wouldn't show it, and that's what gives me confidence.
Well, it doesn't give me any confidence.
Don't roll your eyes like that, Frazer.
I've told you about that before.
Now, men, if we pass these tests with flying colours, we shall get 1 2 stars.
I particularly want us to be a 1 2-star platoon.
Because if we're a 1 2-star platoon, you know what that means, don't you? Yeah, you get a mention in the AA book.
You're on very thin ice.
Excuse me, Mr Mainwaring.
Verger and the warden are at the window.
Don't worry, sir, I'll sort them out.
I'll get rid of them.
-What do you want? -What do you think I want? -I want my onions.
-Yes, he wants his onions.
-I can't come now, we're doing the test.
-Look, I'm not hanging about here all day.
Tell him to go away, Walker.
-They won't budge, sir.
-Then shut the window.
All right.
Now, the important thing to remember He's still there, Mr Mainwaring.
Oh, really.
Go away.
Clear off.
As I was saying we don't know what's in store for us in that other room, but whatever it is, I'm relying on you to keep well on your toes.
Last week I had a drink with a sergeant in the Eastbourne Home Guard.
Turned out that his people knew my people quite a few years ago.
Actually, he's a rather nice fellow.
We're not interested in your social life, Wilson.
Well, in that case, I don't think I'll bother to tell you.
-Tell us what? -Well, he'd been on one of the tests.
Well, why didn't you say so in the first place? Now, everybody listen to Sergeant Wilson.
Well, when you get into the room, they fire a lot of questions at you and at the end, the officer goes out and he leaves you alone, see? Then somebody else comes in, in disguise, and plants a bomb for heaven's sake.
Look, when the officer leaves the room, I'll tip you the wink -and whoever comes in, we'll jump on them.
-There's another thing, sir.
When you go into the room, they search you for weapons.
Don't you worry, sir.
I've come fully prepared.
-What's that, Jonesy? -It's a rummel.
-Oh, a terrible weapon.
-What's a rummel? It's a Thuggee scarf.
What the thugs used in India to strangle their victims.
They used to do a lot of strangling in them days.
A lot of strangling.
-I don't think we shall need it, Jones.
-I wouldn't be too sure about that, sir.
You see that knot in the corner? That should be a silver rupee.
But I put half a crown in, that'll do just as well.
And you creep up behind your victims and you swing it like that.
And the weight of the coin goes right round their neck and then you tighten it and you tighten it, enough to make their eyes water, sir.
Put it away.
Put it away.
Squad, fall in at the double! Over there in single rank! Quick, quick, quick.
Fast, fast, fast.
-Fall in at the double.
-Jump to it! Squad, 'shun! And at ease! Attention! Stand still.
Good morning.
My name is Ramsey.
Ramsey.
I'm in charge of the test and I must warn you before you enter that room that once inside these doors, anything can happen.
Question.
Are you prepared for the worst? Are you? Yes, sir.
He's prepared for the worst.
Come on, I want to hear you all together.
What are you prepared for? We are prepared for the worst.
Why are you crying, laddie? -I'm not crying.
-Yes, you are.
You're a coward.
A coward! I hate cowards.
-Well, actually, sir, it's the onions.
-Rubbish.
One of your men crying, one of them talking rubbish.
It's not a very good start, is it, Captain? What is it? It's not a very good start, sir.
All of you together.
What is it? -Not a very good start.
-Oh, no! Squad, 'shun! Right turn! Lead off at the double.
Quick march! Left, right, left, right, left, right.
On time, in front.
Left, right, left, right.
Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Get them up.
Get them up.
Hold it.
Hold it.
One, two.
Right turn.
At ease.
Stand still.
-Sergeant, search them for weapon.
-Yes, sir.
What's your game? Now, while you're in this room, you're under battle conditions.
If you pass this part of the test, you get four stars.
My sergeant and I can be anything.
A Gestapo officer.
A British naval officer.
Anything.
-Searched them, Sergeant? -Yes, sir.
All clear, sir.
Right.
Over here.
Hey, Joe, for a moment I thought he was gonna comprehend my rummel.
Sergeant, Corporal, sit at the desk.
Remainder on the bench.
Move.
I wish this fellow would talk the King's English.
Now, I want you to be alert and on your toes at all times.
What do I want? Alert and on our toes at all times.
Stand up.
Sit down.
Too slow.
Stand up.
Sit down.
Up.
Down.
Up.
Down.
Up.
Down.
Up.
Excuse me, I think I missed one.
Would you like me to stand up and sit down again? Keep sitting.
Now, the first part of this test is for officers and NCOs only.
I will ask three questions and you four at the back will criticise your leaders when I ask for comment.
-What will you do? -Criticise our leaders.
When I blow my whistle, I am a Gestapo officer.
-What am I? -You are You are -Come on, man.
Come on! -I'm a bit confused.
I am a Gestapo officer.
What am I? You are a guest-office-apo.
-Gestapo.
-You're a Gestapo officer.
Right.
Are you mad, Corporal? Get him back to his place.
Get him back! Well, you said you was a Gestapo officer.
I was just being alert.
I am not a Gestapo officer until I blow my whistle.
Somehow I don't think we're going to get those 1 2 stars.
Well, he said he was a Gestapo.
Right! Right! Right! Now I'm a Gestapo officer.
-Now you, Sergeant.
-Hm, yes? -What are you doing in France? -I'm not in France.
Oh, yes, you are.
You dropped by parachute, I've captured you and now I'm interrogating you.
Oh, I see.
Oh, bonjour.
What do you want to know? You're not supposed to tell me anything.
-Now, what are you doing in France? -I don't know.
-You're trying to blow up a munitions factory.
-All right.
I was trying to blow up a munitions factory.
-So you admit it.
-Oh, really, this is too absurd.
Right.
I'll show you how absurd it is.
I'm putting matches underneath your fingernails.
I'm setting light to them.
Burning down.
Now they've reached your fingers.
You're in agony.
How do you like that? Well, to be absolutely honest, it isn't really bothering me very much.
-Comment? -I think he's very brave.
-Guard my rear, Sergeant.
-Yes, sir.
Get out of here.
Clear off, you fool.
Right.
Next question.
-Captain.
-Yes.
-Permission to speak, sir.
-Yes.
In what capacity are you now speaking, sir? Are you a Gestapo officer or what? I'm not anyone.
I'm me.
-Didn't you ought to blow your whistle, sir? -What for? The last time you said, ''I'm not a Gestapo officer till I blow my whistle.
'' Then you blew your whistle and said, ''Now I'm a Gestapo officer.
'' Well, this time you ought to say, ''I am not me till I blow my whistle.
'' Then you ought to blow your whistle and say, ''Now I'm me.
'' I don't need to say when I'm me.
I know who I am.
They know who I am.
Sit down! -He ought to blow his whistle when he says -All right! All right! All right! All right! All right.
-Now I am me.
Satisfied? -Thank you very much, sir.
Now he's him.
Now, Captain, you are in a balloon, travelling across enemy territory with your men here.
The balloon is losing height.
You must push one of them out.
Which one will you choose? Ah.
-I think I should call for a volunteer.
-Can't do that.
You must make a decision and choose one.
What must he do? Make a decision and choose one! I prefer to throw myself out, naturally, but I realise that I am too valuable for that.
I'm afraid it would have to be Private Godfrey.
Comment? Sound common sense.
Comment.
Well, whoever's thrown out, it certainly shouldn't be me.
I've got the whole of my life ahead of me.
I haven't done nothing, no living at all.
That's all the more reason why you should be the one.
I mean, what you've never had, you never miss.
Excuse me, sir.
If the balloon's losing height, we can wait until it hits the ground, and then Godfrey can just step out.
-Oh, thank you, Mr Wilson.
-Not at all, my dear fellow.
Now, if you'll excuse me, my sergeant and I will leave the room for a short time.
Sir, may I leave the room with you? No, you could not.
All right.
Gather round.
Now remember what Tubby Glossop Sergeant Wilson's friend said.
When the officer leaves the room, someone enters in disguise with a bomb.
-How many marks are you gonna give them? -Marks? I'd like to mark that silly, old fool of a corporal for life.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
-Shall I take the tea in to them now, sir? -Yes, you might as well.
Give me mine first.
I need it.
Now, whoever comes out of that door, grab them and get rid of the bomb.
We'll get four stars for this as sure as eggs are eggs.
Tea's up.
Tea's -What are you doing? -Get him down.
It's a girl.
Rubbish.
Get that wig off right now.
Ooh, you old ones, you're worse than the regulars.
-Get rid of it, Pike.
-Right, sir.
(Glass shattering) Hooligans! Ruddy hooligans! Mr Hodges, would you mind turning the tap off, please? It's going all over my vestment.
Squad, attention! At ease.
Stand still.
Right.
This is phase two of the test.
If you pass this, you get four stars.
Now, Captain Mainwaring, you've got to get all your men over this electrified fence using only this equipment.
If you touch the fence, an alarm will go off and you'll start again.
-Any questions? -Excuse me, please, sir.
Is this a hypothetical electricitified fence or a real electricitified fence? It is a hypothetical electrified fence, but with a small charge running through it.
Just enough to give the test a hint of zest.
Thank you.
It won't hurt you, just give you a wee shock.
Now, Captain Mainwaring, you have three minutes to appreciate the situation.
Then I shall blow my whistle and you have half an hour to complete the test.
-On you go.
-Thank you, sir.
All right, now pay attention.
Now, this is a tough one, but we can crack it.
I suggest that we all think very hard for a minute, then I want ideas.
Thick and fast.
Right.
Go.
Time's up.
-Wilson? -Well.
-Frazer? -Aye, if we could just get No.
No, I.
-Pike.
-I'm sorry, I'm not ready yet.
Jones? Corporal Jones? Acrobats, sir.
What? Yes, I saw it once in a circus, sir.
You get a plank and we can put it on that small oil drum like that.
I can stand one end and Private Walker can jump on the other end and that will levitate me up over the fence.
-He'll break his neck, sir.
-Yes.
Far too dangerous.
Let me do it, sir, let me do it.
Right, start.
Look, sir, I won't go up too high, sir.
Just enough to go over the fence.
I'm very agile, you know, sir.
Come along.
Move, move.
-Frazer, Walker, come on, give us a hand.
-All right.
-All right.
-I'll do it.
You've got to admire Jones, you know, Wilson.
-I like to see guts.
-You probably will.
Right, Mr Mainwaring.
Get ready to jump, Joe.
I hope you know what you're doing, Jonesy.
Don't argue, don't argue.
-Ready, Jonesy.
-Ready, steady, jump.
What's going on? -Ready, Jones? -All ready.
All right.
Lift.
(Alarm ringing) Take it easy, Jones.
Yes, all right, sir.
I'm nearly.
I'm nearly there, sir.
I'm nearly over.
I'm nearly there, sir.
Yes, all right, sir.
I'm nearly there, sir.
Time's up, Mainwaring.
Can't we have an extension, sir? We've nearly got it licked.
All right.
Start again.
By the left, forward.
-Say a prayer for him, sir.
-I think I am, Mr Mainwaring.
I nearly made it, Mr Mainwaring.
(Alarm ringing) Start again! Same again, clerk.
Sorry, sir, I've got to close the bar.
It's midnight.
Oh, very well.
I'm away to my bed.
-Are you over, Jones? -Nearly, sir.
(Alarm ringing) All right, that's enough, Captain Mainwaring.
Start again! Platoon.
Platoon, attention! At ease! Stand still.
Right.
Now this is the third and final phase of the test.
If you pass this, you get four stars.
-Permission to speak, sir.
-Yes.
May I be so forward and presumptuous-looking as to ask how many stars we have inquired so far? In the first test, nothing.
In the second test I've given you one star for perseverance, in spite of the fact that you kept me awake half the night.
Well, I suppose one's better than nothing.
Rubbish.
You haven't done very well.
What haven't you done? We haven't done very well.
Confession is good for the soul, Captain.
What is confession good for? The soul.
I do believe that boy is crying again.
-No, I'm not crying.
-Yes, you are.
Yes, you are.
You're a coward.
A coward.
I told you before, sir.
It's the onions.
Rubbish.
I'm not a coward.
I've done ever such brave things.
I've even taken dead mice out of traps.
Quiet, Pike.
Right, now this is the test.
Concealed in that copse over there are a body of my men.
I will blow my whistle and you will prepare yourselves.
At the end of 1 5 minutes, I will blow the whistle again.
My men will advance.
You will then fire three dummy bombs at them and they will retreat.
Clear? That seems straightforward enough, doesn't it, Wilson? Oh, I quite agree, sir.
It couldn't be more straightforward.
-Sergeant.
-Sir.
-Give them the charges.
-Yes, sir.
Three charges.
-Where are the dummy bombs, sir? -Ah.
Now that's the interesting part of the test.
I'll show you.
Follow me.
Squad, about turn! There are your onions, Mr Hodges.
I can't wait to get my hands on them.
There'll be a queue a mile long outside my shop tomorrow morning.
Come on, we'll go and get the van.
Gather round, gather round.
Now, gentlemen, I think you're all familiar with this fence.
Excuse me, sir.
Where are the dummy bombs? There.
When I blow my whistle, you and your men will double over here from the gun, get over the fence, collect the bombs, get back again.
And if you touch the fence, you start again.
Blimey, if we couldn't get over that fence in five hours, we're not going to do it in 1 5 minutes.
I said this whole weekend would finish in disaster.
You will then double back to your gun with the bombs and wait for my signal to fire.
Clear? Yes, sir.
Very clear indeed.
Right.
Come on, hurry up.
Do you think we should take these onions without permission, Mr Hodges? What are you talking about? I've paid for these onions.
They're mine.
You just keep quiet and hold your frock out.
The warden and the verger are messing about with our van.
Damn cheek.
Come on, men.
Forward at the double.
Hold still, hold still.
Now look here.
Look here.
-How dare you interfere with our van? -I'm only taking what's mine.
We're doing a 1 2-star test.
Listen, if you don't clear off, you'll see more than 1 2 stars.
Don't bandy words with him, we've more important things to do.
Come on, follow me.
See what I mean? Stand up to him and he's like a pricked balloon.
(Whistle blowing) Well, that was the first whistle, sir.
We've got 1 5 minutes.
We'd better get down to the fence, Mr Mainwaring.
Now wait a minute.
There must be a way.
Let's all think.
Captain Mainwaring, sir, it has just occurred to me this is a smoothbore weapon.
We could fire anything from it.
Yes, in that film CaptaIn Blood with Errol Flynn, they fired grapeshot from the cannons.
Yes, that's right.
We got the charges.
All we need is a few bits of iron and some nuts and bolts.
-We haven't got any nuts and bolts.
-We can take some off old Jones' van.
How dare you? You're not taking my van to pieces.
Captain Mainwaring, sir, if we fire bits of iron at those attacking people, we might make holes in them and spoil them.
We might kill them as well.
Yes, of course.
The whole idea's absurd.
It just occurred to me, sir, if we're going to fire this gun, we want something hard, but not lethal.
We haven't got anything hard, but not Wait a minute.
-Onions! -Onions! -It's the last lot, Mr Hodges.
-Well, you took long enough about it.
Just a minute.
-We want those onions.
-You can't have them.
In the name of the King, I demand those onions.
You can demand as much as you like, you can't have them.
Very well, we'll buy them.
You can't.
You're not registered with me.
No, but you're registered with me and if you don't us sell those onions, you've had it for kidneys.
All right.
Shilling a pound.
-I sold them to you for fourpence.
-Well, that's your hard bun.
-We'll take 20 pounds.
-Right, it'll cost you a quid.
Hold your frock out, Mr Yateman.
Lend me ?1 , Wilson.
It looks like they've funked the test, sir.
What do you expect from softies like that? -All right, that's enough, Pike.
-Hurry up, Verger.
Range, 200 yards.
Range, 200 yards.
Right, sir.
Load the charge.
Right, charge is loaded, sir.
Stand by to fire.
So you're backing out, are you, Mainwaring? I shan't even give you one star now.
We're not backing out of anything.
What are you talking about, man? You have no ammunition and I'm due to blow the whistle in 30 seconds.
-Well, go ahead and blow it.
-There's no point.
Oh, give it to me.
Fire! Fire! Let's get out of here.
Halt! Halt! Well done, men.
Well, I think we've achieved the object of the exercise, sir.
I take my hat off to you, Mainwaring.
That's the best bit of initiative I've seen in this whole war.
I'm going to give you Thank you, sir.
Hear that, men? We're a 1 2-star platoon.
Just a minute, just a minute.
Where are you going? -I'm going to pick up those onions.
-You'll do no such thing.
Those are ours.
Come on, men.
Get after them.