Futurama s06e04 Episode Script

We now go live to our eye-in-the-sky hovercopter on the scene of that terrible hovercopter crash.
- Jim? - The news is not good.
I've just learned that my final words were, '"Back to you, Linda.
'" One for the blooper reel.
The news is so violent.
Let's watch Rachael Ray instead.
No, wait, there might be chopping.
God, what a wuss.
Stop being such a spineless jellyfish.
You know full well I am more closely related to the sea cucumber.
Not where it counts.
I hated Jim! In other news, our city's filthy, urine-soaked walls have been desecrated by a mysterious tile-work graffiti artist.
Police have no leads as to who's behind this innovative scourge of public art.
That is one sexy bridge abutment.
Free corn? Well, that'll suit me just fine.
The key is knowing precisely where to strike.
Oops.
Well, well.
Time to beat him his rights.
You know, that don't look half bad on your buttocks.
It does sort of class-up the place.
The time is 4:00 a.
M! We've been arguing all night, Kif.
Can't we go to bed? Is that all you ever think about? I'm not just some piece of tofu, Amy.
I need to know where we stand in our relationship.
We're just going through a rough patch.
It is not a patch.
It's been ages, according to your wildly inappropriate hunk-of-the-month calendar.
Leave Todd out of this.
Thanks, babe.
Also, today is Canadian Independence Day.
That's Bender's ringtone.
I recognize the smell.
- Hello? - Yo, Amy, - I'm in the slammer.
- Oh, no.
That's enough lip out of you, moneybags.
Just get 5 grand and bail me out.
I don't have that kind of money laying around.
Yeah, you do.
You know the floor safe where you keep 10 grand? There's 5 grand in there.
Don't make me wait.
Hey, Bender, you ever kill a man with a sock? It ain't so hard.
I'd better carve a shiv for protection.
Rodriguez.
These two brothers bailed your ass out.
Oh! Thank God.
Tell me, have things changed on the outside? Is food finally in pill form? What about pills? Are they in food form? Hey, hot stuff, I'm Larry, the murder burglar.
Hi, Larry, I like your tattoos.
Amy, that man is a criminal.
I'm just checking out his tats.
Sneato.
I have one of my mom.
- Want to see? - Sure.
I just don't get why you have to flirt with every bad boy in sight.
Quit exaggerating.
Nobody move or sweet cheeks here gets it.
Ooh! You're bad.
Mama said, "Spock you out.
" That's it, Amy.
Pardon my language, but I have had it with you ruffling my petticoats.
You and I are through! Aw! Here's a little song I wrote to cheer you up.
It's called Let's go already Here's to Amy, single, Ionely and fabulous.
Thanks, everybody.
Looks like I'm back in the game.
Yeah, the game of old maid.
Excuse me, sir, are those yours? You're damn right, and before you ask, this is mine, too.
Tough break, Amy.
Are you and Kif getting divorced? No.
Technically, we were Fon-Fon-Rus, so we weren't really married.
Wow, the interesting thing about that is So, Amy, how can I phrase this delicately? Why did Kif dump you like a sack of yesterday's turds? He says I have a thing for bad boys.
It's so stupid.
The truth is often stupid.
Bender, why do you have to be so mean to me? Shut up, baby, you love it.
Don't tell me to shut up.
You know what happened to the last guy who told me to shut up? What? That was great.
Shut up.
Come over here.
Remember, love between a human and a robot is taboo.
We can't tell anyone, not even our co-workers.
Got it.
I'll show the utmost discretion as we get nasty in this glass tube.
I think I'm coming down with circus-itis.
I thought circus-itis only affected children.
Children of all ages.
Bender, old friend, what's on your face? Blood.
You know, shaving of the face beard.
Amy, are those gear imprints on your sweatpants? Uh, maybe.
So what? Well, I only brought it up 'cause Bender's wearing them.
Uh I stole them from her.
Yeah, that's it, call the cops.
Oh, my swollen feet.
I'd better take my pills.
Amy, I reckon sweet talk don't come natural to me, but of everyone I've ever dated, you are probably in the top 10.
Aw.
You always say just the wrong thing in just the right way.
Sinners! Robosexuality is an abomination! This guy.
The good book sayeth a robot shall not lie down with a human, nor do it standing up, nor at any angle in between.
Hey, he's right.
- I don't like this.
in the good book.
Look, a single mother! Let's get her! Quickly, into the ship's basement! Now then, as you all know, the county fair is approaching once again, so I'm preparing my entry of pickled winds and weathers.
I've got sunny, snow flurries, hail with onions, even my grandmother's cranberry-raisin typhoon, but no tornado.
I'll be damned if I let Mrs.
Girdleson take the blue ribbon again.
That's why I need you folks to get out there and harvest a nice ripe one.
This cattle prod should help.
How will that Get out there! Is everybody in position? - What? - Is someone talking? Okay, good! On three! - One! - What did she say? - Two! - Wait, I'm not in position! - Three! - I'm ready for the countdown! I'm not hearing anyone! Abort mission! She said go! Good work, everyone.
Honestly, that went better than I expected.
I just need to reduce it down into this pickle jar, toss in a bay leaf to impress those stupid judges.
Hey, where's Amy and Bender? They're missing out on some hot pickle action.
Sounds like a muskrat's caught in there.
That's Amy's sweatshirt.
And that's Bender's hat from the Players' Ball! Sweet tornados of Barbados! Amy and Bender have been torn to shreds.
Oh, the humanity! Also, Bender.
Uh-oh.
What's going on here? Uh Nothing.
A pair of deviant robosexuals? Not under my roof.
What about on the roof? Get your mind out of the gutter! What about in the gutter? Professor, there's nothing wrong with robosexuality.
Yeah, when the lights go out, it's nobody's business what goes on between two consenting adults.
- Or one.
- Thanks, guys.
Everything will be okay as long as my parents don't find out.
Mom? Dad? Come home, Amy.
It your decision.
We can't make you.
Attagirl.
Uh-oh.
Not the innocent whistling.
- Repent! - This guy.
Look, we're your family, and if you can't talk about your problem with us, - that would be great.
- I don't have a problem! I'm in a happy relationship that just happens to be robosex You finish that word, you kill your parents! Low wine level detected.
- Thank you.
- Stop seducing him, you hussy! Dad! I'm attracted to Bender, not this emotionless wine bucket! Hopes deleted.
Robotic brothers, the path to robot hell is paved with human flesh! - Neat! - Over the course of this escape-proof workshop, your software will be reprogrammed through prayer.
And by some tech-support guys in India.
But I read in Esqwired magazine that some robots are hardwired to be robosexual.
Don't believe those lies, son! The only lies worth believing are the ones in the Bible.
- Can I get a "Amen"? - I'll take a-three-men.
Holla! Come on, Amy.
Pick a male human already.
I want to be a grandmother nine months from five minutes from now.
Cut it out, Mom! I'm not interested in any of these gross, ugly losers! What about this gross, ugly, smelly loser? Fry! What you doing here? I'm here to rescue Amy from her robosexual desires.
If I understand you correctly, I've seen the error of my ways? - Look at all that awkward winking.
- It must be love.
My parents may be evil, but at least they're stupid.
In this phase, you will literally wrestle with your demons.
Your shapely, buxom, human demons.
Look at the rack on that one.
I mean, that one on the rack! Good! That's real good.
Okay, everybody switch demons.
No point in staying with just one demon.
Now, work it hard! Harder! Till the sin explodes out of you! Mmm.
Mercy.
Okay, the Lord's work is done.
Now, now, cuddle.
Cuddle with your demons.
Amy, I wonder where you are right now.
I'm inside the dummy to rescue you! Well, that answers that.
Wait Amy? Bender, be careful! Fry? Leela? You're in there, too? I guess we should have waited in the ship.
Listen up, everybody, I love Amy, and I'm tired of pussyfootcupping around! I finally found someone I want to spend the rest of her life with.
Amy, Will you marry me? Yes! Yes! Oh, I'm just glad I didn't live to see this day.
Hey, wait a second.
No! So, it's a stone.
Is it real? - Hooray! - Hooray denied! Need I remind you that robosexual marriage is illegal? - Not in Space, Massachusetts.
- You mean Space-tax-achusetts? No chance, stretch pants! We're gonna fight to legalize it right here! Yeah, man! You got to legalize it! We're talking about robosexual marriage.
We're talking about lots of stuff.
Cool.
Can you turn into a race car? Nah, I'm just a pre-op transformer.
Thank you for coming, everyone.
We're all having some good, clean fun here.
Squeaky, squishy clean.
But it's time to discuss a pressing issue, the right to marry who or what we want! Yeah! Legalize it! Every other couple has the right to marry.
Robot and fembot, man and woman, man and man.
Our poodle has two daddies.
Interracial, interplanetary, even ghost and horse, but not robot and human! That's why we're introducing this ballot initiative to legalize robosexual marriage! Yeah! Legalize it! If you hate intolerance and being punched in the face by me, please support Proposition Infinity! As election day nears, Prop Infinity appears doomed to certain defeat.
Doomed! More fair and balanced coverage after a word from our sponsor, No on Infinity.
A storm is gathering.
A storm of robosexual marriage that will rain down on us like fire.
It's probably a firestorm.
If robosexual marriage becomes legal, imagine the horrible things that will happen to our children, then imagine we said those things, since we couldn't think of any.
As a mother, those things worry me.
Vote no on Infinity.
Paid for by the Farnsworth Foundation.
We can't compete against that much stock footage of clouds! We're boned! But we still have one hope, my big televised debate! I'm our A in the hole! Professor, who's debating for your side? That guy, you know, I forget his name.
That's him! Good evening.
I'm George Takei's head and neck, your host for tonight's debate.
You may applaud.
We flipped a coin before the debate, and Bender stole it, so we'll start with him.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I Oops.
Sorry, force of habit.
I support this proposition because I love a goopy, flesh-and-blood woman, and, not surprisingly, she loves me.
This is a simple matter of justice, which I'm not normally for.
So, please, vote yes.
After all, our love isn't any different from yours, except it's hotter, 'cause I'm involved.
I haven't heard such an eloquent speech since Bill Shatner explained why he couldn't pay me back.
Rebuttal, Professor? This $4 coffeepot talks about love, but what he describes is perversion! You wouldn't know perversion if it put clamps on your testicles! You're just jealous, 'cause you've never known true love! Oh, no? Back when I was full of piss and vinegar, and my bed wasn't, I fell in love with the sweetest girl ever to skip through a field of posies.
Her name was Eunice, and we spent our blissful days working in a lab, developing a poison to wipe out that dreadful posy infestation.
I thought our love would last forever.
But then, 43 years later, she left me for a robot! How could she do that to me, her Farnypoo! That's it? You hate robosexuals 'cause your girlfriend left you for a robot? She didn't just leave me for a robot, she was a robot! Oh, God, her name wasn't Eunice, it was Unit! Unit 47! My heart was broken, and like a bitter, old picklepuss, I took it out on robosexuals everywhere.
I'm so ashamed! At the risk of losing this debate, I beg you, support Proposition Infinity! Give me a hug! I, too, am hugging them in spirit.
And now they're hugging me back.
Oh, my.
In a stunning turnabout, voters have approved Proposition Infinity.
Robosexual marriage is now legal.
What's next, gay robosexual marriage? We did it, honey! Finally, we can have a legal, monogamous marriage, like everyone else! Yeah Monogamous? And now, a long-distance dedication from a squishy, green bad boy to his pink pork dumpling.
At number 12, it's Wailing Fungus with Shut Up and Love Me.
Shut up and love me Shut up and love me Shut up and love me Shut up and love me I told you where I told you when I told you how And we'll meet up at 10:00 But you keep on talking Keep on yakking Shut up and love me Shut up and love me