Gilmore Girls s06e04 Episode Script

Oh, now come on.
Come on.
You have got to be kidding me.
Luke, come down here.
This baseboard's not level.
I can tell just by looking at it.
Tom told you.
It's a work in progress.
Disaster in progress.
This baseboard belongs in a fun house.
Luke, going up there is like busting into an operating room in the middle of a heart transplant and getting mad at the surgeon because the guy's heart is on the outside.
And you're like, "hey, his heart should be in his chest.
" And the surgeon's like, "dude, I'm not done yet.
" Get out of the operate room.
I got to check the bathroom fixtures.
Hey, uh, help.
Fire, fire.
We're on fire down here.
Help.
Flames crackling, marshmallows toasting.
Save us.
What are you doing yelling "fire"? You can't do that.
No, that only pertains to movie theaters, crowded ones.
If you're watching a Wednesday matinee of "Deuce Bigalow," you can yell "fire" all you want.
Hell, you can start a fire, and no one will complain.
So, how is your project going? - Like gangbusters.
- Looks like it.
You're getting rid of a ton.
No, no.
Whoa, there, mister.
Those are the keepers.
These are the ones I'm tossing.
There's two videotapes in there.
Every journey begins with a single step.
This was your idea, remember-- use the remodel to purge yourself of useless stuff.
Yeah, useless.
I'm keeping what I need.
You need an episode of "Magnum P.
I.
" from 1986.
Of course not.
That tape is mislabeled.
That's a "Knots Landing" from 1981.
All the women are held hostage at gunpoint during Ginger's baby shower-- classic.
"21 Jump Street"-- season one.
You do not need this.
- I need my "Jump Street.
" - So buy the DVDs.
It'll save you a ton of space.
No, the DVDs won't have the commercials on them, the original commercials, which is half the fun.
Spuds Mackenzie, Clara Peller, "Nothing comes between me and my Calvins.
" I mean, they don't make them like that anymore.
You're gonna be one of those weird old people who hoards empty film canisters and laundry measuring scoops.
Uh, gonna be.
Hey, I've been looking for this.
Check it out.
"Riding the bus with my sister.
" Rosie O'Donnell plays a retarded woman who's obsessed with riding the bus, and Andie MacDowell is her uptight, big-city sister.
- Sister? - Yeah, and it gets better.
In the ads I saw, the Rosie character was calling herself the sheriff and bragging about her sex life and buying toilet seats.
And Anjelica Huston directed it.
Maerose directed it.
Okay, fine.
Watch it tonight after I leave.
Then you can dump it tomorrow.
You kidding? You don't just sit down and watch a movie like this.
This is a Friday-night special.
I'd have to have takeout, pizza, red vines, mallomars-- the works.
Plus, there's no way I would watch this by myself.
This is exactly the kind of movie I would watch with someone Someone else, you know? Yeah, right.
Well, at least try to pare this box down a little, please? I'll try.
I will.
I promise.
Good.
- If you promise not to go upstairs again.
- I just got to check on one thing.
Oh, look at that-- "America's Castles," the special Florida edition.
Seen it five times, keeping it.
One thing.
Oh, "The History of Paper," a documentary by Ted Burns, distant relative of Ken Burns.
Oh, seven hours, dull, dull, dull.
Keeping it! I'm not going up.
Good.
"Please don't eat the Daisies," seasons two and four.
I've been looking for this.
Come in.
Good morning, miss Gilmore.
Good morning.
Oh, wow, need help? No, thank you.
What's that for? Mrs.
Gilmore instructed me to help you with your summer things.
My summer things? Mrs.
Gilmore says that autumn is the time for sweaters and wool, not for sundresses and flipper-floppers.
Oh.
Well, I don't really dress seasonally.
I just sort of go with the flow.
That is what Mrs.
Gilmore would like to correct.
Oh.
Hello? Hello, Rory, it's your grandmother.
Grandma, we were just talking about you.
How are you? How's Helsinki? Cold, unaccommodating, a population of walking dead.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
The cab driver from the airport was a thief.
And the cuisine isn't fit for a stray cat-- kippers and cabbage rolls.
And the weather-- it snowed and apparently they can't fly under those conditions.
Can't or won't, it's hard to say.
I defy you to read a Finn.
Yeah, they can be pretty stoic in those northern climes.
Uh, excuse me, but I actually use a lot of this in autumn.
You know, light layers.
Anyway, your grandfather and I are going to be delayed a couple of days.
I'm sorry.
That stinks.
I'm in a real bind.
I've got that mixer with the girls I'm hosting tomorrow with the curators of the Gilbert Stuart exhibit.
Oh, right.
I wear it with tights.
But here I am thousands of miles away, stuck in a land of reindeer stew, and I'm loathe to cancel because there's nothing Constance Betterton would like more than for me to slip up so she can destroy my reputation, run me out of the D.
A.
R.
, then jump in the air like a cheerleader and land doing the splits.
Uh, wow.
That's-- the splits, huh? Um, whatever I can do to help, grandma.
I wear white after labor day.
- Rory? - I'm a rebel.
Just go with it.
Are you still there? Yeah, I'm still here, grandma.
I was wondering if you could possibly fill in for me.
I would be so grateful.
- Me? At the mixer? - It's all ready to go.
The menu is set, and these new caterers I found are fabulous.
All you have to do is smile and make sure everyone's cocktails are replenished.
Well Just picture that snake doing the splits.
Um, okay, grandma.
I'll help you out.
Oh, bless you.
I'll check in a little later and give you a briefing about some of the canapés.
Good, because I'm rusty on canapés.
Call you later.
Okay, bye, grandma.
Stay warm.
Maid? No, this is not going to work.
Maid?! A bath? A baptism is nothing like taking a bath! I'm not saying it's a bath! I'm just saying if you don't believe in the religious aspect of it, then it's like a bath-- as simple and as brief as a bath.
- Coffee.
- It is so not like taking a bath! When you take a bath, there are candles and water-warped entertainment weeklys to read and soap.
There are not people standing around praying over you, at least not when I take a bath.
Who's getting baptized? Oh, our kids are, because apparently we're suddenly super-religious.
No kidding.
Would you guys mind moving over just a little bit? Thanks.
Sookie, look at the baptism as a bargaining chip.
If we give my mother this, then it'll soften the blow when she finds out that we're not having any more children because of the vasectomy.
They'll want to stay at the house if we have this baptism-- your whole family.
We'll just have to make room.
How? The house is barely big enough for us and the kids.
We'll end up sleeping on a leaky air mattress in the kids' room and getting horrible creaks in our neck while your mother blasts her "flatt and scruggs" CD.
And your cousins are gonna be picking their teeth with my paring knives.
Oh, like your family is so easy! What about the time we had to see your stuttering cousin Odell in the worst production of "Nicholas Nickleby" known to man?! That was like nine hours of pure hell! And did I get to fake a heart attack during intermission? No! I'm sorry.
There is a difference between nine hours and three full days.
There's 48 hours plus 24, whatever that is, minus 9 hours.
What does that equal? eight and four and that's two and 10 over.
Whoa! Whoa! Sookie, don't do math.
You know that hurts your head.
Ow.
Hey, I have an idea.
If you're gonna have the baptism and you've got three days of family in town, how about if they all stay here? At the Inn? Yeah.
Just give me the dates.
We'll work it out.
And that would be okay? Sookie, you're part owner of the place.
Oh, yeah.
That would really help.
So, cool.
I'll take care of the arrangements.
Sookie, you just deal with the post-baptism party.
Oh.
I didn't know anything about a post-baptism party.
You didn't tell me anything about a post-baptism party.
I didn't know myself.
I've got some late-summer salad recipes I've been wanting to try out.
Oh, perfect.
Okay, well, just let Michel know how many rooms you need, and I'll see you guys later.
- Thanks, Lorelai.
- Yeah, thanks, hon.
I just need the invoice signed for the zucchini and I'm off.
You think I'm taking this zucchini? You ordered them.
You stressed them out.
- Don't point that thing at me.
- Guys.
I can tell.
Get them out of here.
No, you give me the invoice.
I'll just have one of my guys get them out of here.
This isn't about the zucchini.
This is about the baptism.
Well, I christen these vegetables sucky! Oh, hello, Sarah.
Thank you so much for coming.
Excuse me.
Hold on a sec.
This tray is half empty.
Should we fill it up to make it look less sad? Uh, this is the last tray.
What? Oh, no.
Oh, boy, there are only eight trays of salmon puffs allotted for the whole night? This is not good.
This is really not good.
Do you think I should have staggered their release? I should have.
I should have staggered their release.
Okay, well, just spread them out, and then push the shrimp.
Okay, you can circulate now.
Circulate.
Uh, excuse me.
There's garnish on this tray and there shouldn't be.
My grandmother hates garnish.
Here, I'll just, uh-- there you go.
Okay, go, circulate.
Circulate.
- Hello, Lana.
- Hello.
Nice to see you.
Carole, hello.
Great dress.
Darla, does the pearls council know about you? Fabulous.
Everything all right over here, ladies? Everything's perfect, Rory.
This is a lovely party.
And those salmon puffs-- insane.
Aren't they, though? Eight trays, and they're almost gone.
I might have to go grab a pole and do some fishing.
Let me know if you need anything.
I like the way he paints Washington's hair.
It looks so luminous.
If Gilbert Stuart were alive today, I would absolutely commission him to paint a portrait of my Henry.
Well, Martha Washington had the same impulse.
In 1796, she commissioned Stuart to do a portrait of her husband along with the one of herself to hang at Mount Vernon.
Henry's not Nora's husband.
He's her springer spaniel.
Oh.
May I freshen your drink, Nora? Well, thank you, Rory.
That's awfully sweet of you.
Vodka tonic.
No ice and light on the tonic.
I'll be right back.
Isn't she just darling? Excuse me? Hi.
The woman with the red hair over by the paintings, could you get her a vodka tonic, please, A.
S.
A.
P? Thanks.
No ice and light on the tonic.
Oh, Rory, perfect.
Maybe you could help us with something.
Absolutely.
We're admiring this plant here-- this one with the waxy leaves-- and yet the name for it has gone right spot out of our heads.
I'm so sorry.
I'm not sure what it's called.
But I promise to ask my grandmother and let you know.
Let me just get your phone number here.
Oops! Garnish.
You just can't get away from it, huh? Um, excuse me for a minute.
Hey, I didn't know you were coming.
Yeah.
I forgot you had a thing today.
Oh, it's okay, because now I get to show you off.
Nancy, Lucy, I'd like to introduce Logan Huntzberger.
Logan, this is Nancy Osgood and Lucy Faxton-Field.
How do you do, Logan? It's such a pleasure to meet the young Huntzberger.
Hey.
Uh, Logan, I think I've told you about Nancy.
She's the one who insists I look like Clara Barton, which I'm still not sure is a compliment.
Oh, it's a compliment of the highest order.
Um, well, if you'll excuse us, I think I promised Logan one of the coveted salmon puffs.
So nice to meet you, Logan.
Want some coffee? With your scotch? Sorry, I'm just not in the mood to deal with this type of thing right now, these type of people.
Why? Did something happen? So how long do you think this thing's gonna last? Um, an hour, hour and a half tops, and then 15 minutes for me to pay the caterers and make sure the cleaning staff knows what to do.
Hey, why don't you go hang out in the pool house, and then I'll come out as soon as I finish up here? We could talk.
Yeah, okay.
We need coffee! There's no more coffee.
Someone make some coffee! Okay, Paul Anka, dinnertime.
You need to eat tonight, okay? Now, this is the kibble you like in the nice, new, yellow bowl that you picked.
I will now I will now back out of the room so you can eat in the dark, like you like.
We're sorry.
You have reached a number that has been disconnected or is no longer in serv-- We're sorry.
You have reached a number that has been disconnected or is no longer in service.
If you feel you reached this number at-- So, I cancel with him, darling.
Is that so difficult? I find the fact that you love him completely irrelevant.
What's going on? Hey, is that my salmon puff? Yeah.
I-- Anything is good in a puff.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hey, Rory.
Hey, Colin.
I didn't know you guys were coming over.
I invited them over.
I hope that's cool.
Oh, yeah, of course it's cool.
I just-- I would have brought more puffs.
- You need a drink.
- Oh no, I-- Somebody give me a sonnet.
Melissa's a poetry major.
There once was a gal from Nantucket.
Stop it, Colin.
I'm not trying to propose.
Melissa, do you miss me, darling? Hi.
Uh, Logan? Yes.
Who's the skirt? Ah, that is Colin's roommate.
He brought her back from Holland? Yes, he did.
Oh.
Hi.
I'm Rory.
I've heard a lot about you.
She doesn't understand English.
Oh, sorry.
Yes, aren't we all.
Colin, rude.
Everywhere I go, everything I do-- surprise-- there she is.
Well, you brought her here.
What did you expect? I don't know what happened.
When we were in the Netherlands, she seemed so amazing, you know? But the minute we left, she began to lose her appeal.
Everything looks appealing when you're stumbling out of an Amsterdam coffee bar.
Tell me about it.
I spent half an hour hitting on a bike.
Maria, you're the only one that can save me.
Rory, you have to understand-- milkmaids are iconic over there.
They're practically dutch superheroes.
Dating Katrinka was like dating wonder woman.
Katrinka.
Yeah, he's gonna be hearing about that one for a long time.
Oh, I see.
Well, just so you know, I think you're an awfully sweet girl to date a guy with such an unfortunate skin condition.
Rory, any chance you're breaking up with Logan in the next 20 minutes? Sorry.
Veronica-- Finn.
Still engaged, darling? Well, I am, too, but I'm not going to say in what.
So, this is a surprise, the guys being here and everything.
Well, Colin just got back.
I hadn't seen him.
Is that okay? Oh, yeah, it's fine.
I just-- you seemed like you were in a bad mood earlier.
Well, this is how you get out of a bad mood, ace.
Hey, let's get something to eat.
I'm starving.
Yes.
Chinese food.
No dairy in Chinese food.
Perfect.
General Lee's has that adorable waitress with a very tiny intellect.
Let's go.
- General Lee's? - General Lee's.
Just give me a minute, and I'll go change.
No way, you've got that hot librarian thing going on.
I like it.
Grab a book.
Let's go.
I've got shotgun.
No, you don't.
You're driving.
I can reach over to steer.
Uh, Colin, you forgot your milkmaid.
Okay, room 5 just checked out, so let's give that to Jackson's sister Adele.
Put cousin Rachel in room 3 and aunt Pat and uncle Rusty in room 6.
Okay, that's two people in room 6.
Aunt Pat and uncle Rusty, they're gonna need two keys.
I gave them one.
They can share.
It's the least the freeloading hicks can do.
They're not freeloading hicks.
They're our guests.
They are moochers.
They go supermarket-hopping to gorge themselves on free samples and get their perfume from magazine inserts.
You can recognize them from the paper cuts on their wrists.
Oh, Jackson not here yet? No, but his family's arrival is imminent, so I'm off to nail the furniture to the floor.
I don't believe it.
The whole clan will be here any minute.
Sookie, relax.
I can't relax.
It's Jackson's family.
I try to say nice things to them, but they misinterpret it and they think I'm insulting them.
So I've tried being really quiet, and then they get all like, "why are you so quiet?" So I overcompensate and start cracking jokes like I'm carrot top, and I start doing funny things with props.
I hate prop comedy.
We all do, honey.
They're right behind me.
Jackson, you almost left me bufferless.
What happened? Aphids happened, all over my tomatoes.
And I was squirting them, and they're multiplying, and I lost track of time.
So I start racing over here on foot, and I saw Bo's minivan just in front of me, so I cut through the thicket, and you know how I hate the thicket, just so I could get here first.
Oh, my god, my breath.
I can't catch my breath.
I'm breathing out, but I can't breathe in.
Okay, Jackson, calm down.
You're here, right? He's here.
Your buffer's here.
I got my buffer.
It'll be okay.
Okay, so, did you tell hmm-hmm about hmm-hmm? No, he's your family.
You tell hmm-hmm about hmm-hmm.
Why do I get the feeling I'm at least one of the "hmm-hmm"s? Lorelai, we need to tell you something.
Remember my brother Bo? Uh, dark hair, coarse stubble, Jefferson Davis tattoo? He thinks you're a nympho.
A what? It's short for nymphomaniac.
It means you really dig the fellas.
I know what it means, but how? I didn't say two words to the guy when I met him.
I said one-- hi.
And that was not in response to, "what's your sex drive like?" Apparently, Cousin Rune told him.
Rune-- short guy, light hair, thought marijuana gave your salad zest? That's the one.
Bo said Rune said you're a horn dog.
A horn dog? His word, not mine.
His family, not mine.
Mom! Buffer.
Welcome to the Dragonfly.
Hi, everybody.
Oh, my, that's quite a bit of luggage for three days.
You are just staying three days, aren't you? That's right, little brother-- three days.
Why don't you all relax.
I'll take care of checking us in.
Well, hello, L.
G.
Welcome to the Dragonfly Inn.
Welcome to Bo.
Nice sunglasses.
Very "Risky Business.
" Risky Business, huh? Are you into risky business? No.
All of a sudden I hate it.
Tom Cruise in his underwear makes me want to barf.
Would you like to register? I would love to.
You just signed the blotter.
Oh, whoops.
Sorry.
I was distracted.
Well, um, you're in room 7, so just take a right at the top of the stairs and enjoy your stay.
Well, aren't you accommodating.
I guess I'll just go get my duffel bag out of the minivan.
That's the first time I ever heard the word "duffel" sound dirty.
I am so, so sorry.
All right, here are their keys.
Names are on the envelopes.
They can go up any time.
I am so, so sorry.
Ooh, uncle Artie hugged me too long.
Lorelai checked Bo in.
We are so, so sorry.
Keys! Let's get them upstairs.
I got your keys, everybody.
Come and get them.
Come and get them.
Just thought I'd give you my room number, princess.
I have it.
Remember, I checked you in about a minute ago? All right, then.
See you soon.
He asleep? He's waiting for his muse.
Don't say it like that.
Like what? All condescending.
It's not cool.
I wasn't condescending.
Songwriting is about making yourself open and vulnerable so that the lyrics come out true.
If I'm being sensitive, that's a byproduct of my craft.
I hear you.
Okay, now you just patronized me.
I wasn't patronizing you.
Carry on.
What's with her being all dismissive? Hey, you want to get more fries? Oh! Yes! Yes! Dude, you said "fries," and it hit me.
Really? Quick, get this down.
Go.
Wait, what? Just get it down before I forget it.
it's not lyrics.
Duh, it's a melody.
Come on.
Okay, okay.
- Get it? - I think so.
Up, down, further down, little higher up, down a smidge.
- Brian! - I don't read music.
Great.
Lane, come here.
What? I need your cellphone so I can call home and leave a tune on our machine.
I don't bring my cellphone to work.
Um, you're starting to freak out some of the customers.
I just want you to know I feel really helpless right now.
Luke, Luke, Luke, look, look, look.
Luke, Luke, Luke, look, look, look.
That's kind of funny.
It just came out.
Sookie, I'm working.
I know.
I just came by to show you this.
What's that? This is a vintage cake-topper-- porcelain bisque, hand-painted I think in the 1940s.
Shoulder pads on the shoulders.
I found it at a flea market this morning-- it's perfect.
Perfect for what? For your and Lorelai's wedding cake.
Oh, well, that's nice.
Nice? Nice? It's not nice-- it's fate.
Look.
Perhaps this looks familiar.
His butt.
It's your butt.
It's your butt, Luke.
It's your butt.
Stop screaming, "it's your butt.
" People are eating.
What are the odds of me finding a cake-topper with exactly your butt? Turkey burger with Swiss.
Oh, when I found this topper, your whole cake came to me, like in a vision-- white and sparkly with beautiful daisies made of fondant on the top.
Cow burger with cheddar.
So, now that I know the cake, all you have to do is set the date.
When is the date? I don't know.
What do you mean, you don't know? I mean I don't know.
Luke, Miss Manners said you're not really engaged until you have a ring and a date.
Yeah, and it's tacky to drink from a can, but there you go.
Luke, please.
Look, you know the drill here, Sookie.
We're not setting a date until things are settled between Lorelai and Rory.
And when exactly is that going to be? I don't know.
Well, what do you plan to do about it? Nothing.
Nothing? What kind of an answer is that? Sookie, it's between them.
Me and my butt are staying out of it.
Oh, come on.
You know this whole non-talking thing between Lorelai and Rory is ridiculous, - and you know it.
- I do know it.
Grilled cheese, double order of fries.
Well, all I can say is that those two better make up before your butt falls and this gorgeous antique cake-topper is nothing more than a kitschy piece of junk from the 1940s.
Crap.
I got to go.
I left Jackson's mother in the car.
Maybe I should have cracked the window.
Hi, Mrs.
Lamkin.
What is going on? What is that? Hey, this is the G5 dual 2.
3 with a one-gig ram upgrade.
This 3 1/2-inch aluminum casing houses a 300-gig hard drive.
And we got pro tools, too.
We're gonna be able to record like a million tracks every song.
We can burn, mix, and edit our own CDs.
It's gonna be nuts.
Yeah, just as soon as we figure out how to turn it on.
But how? When did? Oh, my god! The tour money! You went into my underwear drawer?! I cannot believe that you went into my underwear drawer.
But that's where the tour money was.
But that was my underwear drawer.
It was business, not pleasure, Lane.
I had my eyes closed the entire time.
It was all by feel.
That was my room, my private inner sanctum, and you ransacked it.
Hey, we could be mad too, you know.
Frankly, the fact that you felt you had to hide the tour money from us is pretty insulting.
Yeah, and that money was for recording equipment, anyway.
So what's the big deal? But did you at least shop around? I mean, did you go through the stack of research I have on recording equipment, cost comparisons, audio magazine articles? Did you happen to look at any of that? Jeez, we didn't go through all your stuff, Lane.
I can't believe you spent 9 grand without talking to me.
It wasn't the plan-- I mean, we just cruised by the store to get a microcassette recorder so I could preserve my tunes.
And there was this salesguy-- A great guy.
A really great guy.
And we ended up talking to him about music.
And Zach sang him his tune.
Which he totally dug.
Reminded him of early Smiths.
Great guy.
He was, and he was like, "you should get this.
" And he was like, "this is the last day of our once-a-year sale, and everything's 30% off," and he showed us this whole system.
- He spent like an hour with us.
- Totally great guy.
He thinks we're gonna be huge.
Was there change? Huh? Did the totally great guy give you any change? - She totally would have liked him.
- 'Cause he was a great guy.
I believe Jackson's aunt Pat is borrowing DVDs from our collection and secretly burning copies for her own DVD library.
What makes you think she's not watching the DVDs? The Belleville's are freeloaders, the whole lot of them.
They are as cheap as tan panty hose with white sandals.
Plus, I believe they have emptied all the booze from the minibars upstairs into their own flask and then refilled the bottles with water.
Can I interest you in a sick day? Pssh, I would not give them the satisfaction.
Oh, how proud a family reunion must be for you.
- He's snarky.
- And sarcastic.
He's snarcastic.
Hey, do you have a minute? I want to ask you something kind of important.
Sure, I've got nothing but minutes.
Well, I was wondering if you would honor me and Jackson by being Martha's godmother.
Oh! Oh, wow.
Oh, is that a good "oh, wow" or a bad "oh, wow"? It's just "oh, wow.
" The whole idea of me being a godmother-- I never thought of myself as the godmother type.
Would I need a wand? I think you can pull it off without it.
Oh, jeez, Sookie, I'm touched.
I would love to be Martha's godmother.
Great.
Oh, I'm so happy you said yes.
It's going to be great.
And we're gonna baptize both kids at once, so Davey's gonna need a godmother, too, and I thought, "how about Rory?" Rory, huh? Yeah, I thought it would be fun.
And I know it's weird with you two now, but there's really no one else I'm close to to ask.
Oh, yeah? What about your friend Kat from the culinary institute? You guys roomed together in college.
She's been institutionalized.
- What? Really? - Oh, yeah.
She shaved her head.
She thinks she's Susan Powter.
Sad.
How about Theresa? She lived next door to you growing up.
Aren't her husband and Jackson best friends? - She moved.
- She moved? - To Peru.
- When? - Yesterday, actually.
- Tall, skinny Margo? Has an inner-ear problem.
Frankly, I'm a little worried she'll lose her balance holding the baby and fall in the water.
She's tall, so that's a long way to fall.
But, hey, look, if you don't want to do it or you don't want me to ask Rory, then I'll totally understand.
I'm sure Jackson will understand, too, and Martha.
Hey, you got to do what you got to do.
No, no, it's okay.
Um, I'll do it.
- You will? - Of course I will.
Oh, thank you.
It's gonna be a perfect day.
Which one goes better with a baby? I like the green one.
It's not too sheer? Because I'm gonna be in a church.
Looks good from here.
Yeah, maybe.
Man, she's good.
She's really good.
- Who? - Sookie.
This whole baptism thing is just a ruse to get me and Rory together.
She's played me.
She's played me like a Stradivarius.
So, don't go, then.
- No, I got to go.
- Why? Because she asked me to be a godmother.
You don't say no to that.
- Why? - Look, I know what she's doing, and she knows what she's doing, but no one else knows what she's doing, so on the chance she's not doing what I think she's doing, which is actually just doing what she wants to do, then I will be the jerk who wouldn't be the godmother to her best friend's baby 'cause she thought something was happening that wasn't.
And that will be the story everyone remembers, understand? I like the green dress.
Go back to sleep.
I have to go to the baptism.
Blow it off.
I can't.
You can do anything.
You just have to believe in yourself.
Did we learn nothing from "mad hot ballroom"? I have to go to Stars Hollow.
I have to see my mom.
One, two, cha cha cha.
Ohh, okay.
Nothing left to do but get up and face the music.
Which goes better with a baby? You're wasting your time, Lane.
That manual's just a bunch of gobbledygook.
Got to be R2-D2 to understand that thing.
No, you just have to spend more than six minutes trying to figure it out before giving up.
I can't believe there's a second c-span.
Hi.
Rory.
Hi.
Am I interrupting anything? Nah, there's nothing on.
No, you're interrupting nothing.
Come on in.
Wow, this looks very fancy.
Yeah, it's pretty fancy, all right.
Apparently is does everything except turn on.
You look pretty fancy, too.
Oh, I'm on my way over to Sookie's kids' baptism.
I'm gonna be Davey's godmother.
Very religious.
My mother would be impressed.
Hey, is it true you get to keep the baby if the parents die? I'm just doing it as a favor for Sookie.
Godmother, huh? Did you make her an offer she couldn't refuse? - Dude, you nailed that.
- Thanks.
Come on, I need a break from the A.
D.
D.
boys.
Whoa! There's a third c-span! Room looks the same.
Yeah.
How come there's a padlock on your dresser drawer? Long story.
Here, sit.
So, you look great.
Did you get a haircut? Yeah.
Well, maybe a month ago.
- I like it.
- Thanks.
You look good, too.
I like the bangs.
Very Marianne Faithful.
Thanks.
I'm hoping Mick Jagger notices.
So, you went on tour.
Yeah, we did.
And how was it? - Great.
- Great.
And, um, how are things in the Zach department? I mean, you two are still together, right? We are, and it's good.
He's good.
We're good.
How many times can I use the word "good"? Have you guys? No, no, no, we're still not having sex, but I did tell Zach he could tell the guys we're doing it.
It's a little more rock 'n' roll.
You are a good girlfriend.
So, how's Logan? Logan is a constant surprise.
I have trouble keeping up with him.
He moves a mile a minute, gets bored in two seconds flat.
He started flying those scary little planes that seem like they're made of papier-mâché, which is thrilling, by the way.
And Logan's good.
Wow.
Is this serious? Seriously exciting.
I love that.
Is it hard with him still at Yale and you with your grandparents? No, not really.
It's been fine, actually.
Taking time off has been great.
It was absolutely the right decision for me.
That's good.
That's really good.
Yeah.
Yeah, I just wish that my mom could understand that.
She's so I doubt that she will talk to me again until I am back in a dorm room with a course catalog on my lap, if then.
I don't know.
Maybe we'll never talk again.
You two? Oh, please.
We haven't talked in weeks.
It'll blow over.
She didn't tell me when she and Luke got engaged.
Rory, look at me.
You and your mom will talk again.
This rift is nature's attempt to find some equilibrium.
You and Lorelai have gone too many years without fighting.
So you had to have one big fight to make up for it.
Now you've had it, and soon you'll make up and then this will all be just your lost weekend.
I've missed you.
I've missed you, too.
We can never go this long without talking again.
- Deal.
- I'll do anything.
- I'll raise carrier pigeons.
- I'll learn morse code.
I'll send you pigeons, and you can send me code.
Okay.
Oh, it's 10:30.
I have 15 minutes before I have to go.
Now, I want to hear all about that tour.
Okay.
Let's start with the "three boys and no shower" thing.
Oh, lord.
You look nice today, Kirk.
Thanks.
This is the suit they buried my dad in.
Oh, well I think I'm gonna let that one go.
Do you know which is the Davey side and which is the Martha? I don't think there are sides.
It's not like a wedding.
I think we're all on both kids' sides.
I just didn't want to offend by taking a side if there are sides.
I've had some contact with Davey in passing-- couple of high-fives, one or two peekaboo sessions, but I haven't had much contact with Martha.
She seems more reserved, elusive.
There's a bit of Garbo in her.
I just talked to my former mother, and, oh, you are going to love this.
Guess who's getting baptized today? - Who? - Me.
What? No.
Is it Christmas already? This isn't funny.
You've never been baptized? Apparently on the day I was supposed to be baptized, I stuck a quarter up my nose and had to be taken to the hospital, and they never rescheduled.
Organizational skills were never your family's strong point.
You know what? I have had it with my family! I want you to march right over there and tell my mother you're divorcing me if I get baptized.
Oh, yeah, that will go over very well.
Okay, fine.
Then just say we're getting separated.
I guess I better go find out what it means exactly for a grown man to get baptized.
Oh, my god, are you gonna wear a giant christening gown? You're really enjoying this, aren't you? Ooh, you have no idea.
Oh, Rory's here! Yeah, I see that.
Boy, that's a pretty dress she's wearing, don't you think? Sure.
It'll go good with a baby.
Well, I better go check on the kids.
Say hi to Rory for me if you see her first.
Oh, there you two are.
Good.
Do you have a minute? I was hoping we could have a quick chat in my office before the ceremony.
- Oh, well - Um, sure.
Wonderful.
Right this way.
So, I always like to take a few minutes before my baptisms to get to know the godparents a little bit.
Of course, I already know you two, but I just want to touch base and make sure you understand the obligations of what you're getting into here today.
Now, basically, godparents are responsible for the spiritual upbringing of their godchildren.
I certainly hope the parents throw their two cents in, but the godparents are vitally important figures in a child's life.
So, tell me, what are your religious affiliations? Oh, well, reverend, you've known us forever.
Well, yes, I have, and I still have no idea what your religious affiliations are.
- Oh - Well We're a bit lapsed.
Yes.
From? Well, um religion.
But, you know, I can't speak for Rory, but I have a strong belief in good you know over evil.
I mean, if I was asked to choose a side I read "the lion, the witch, and the wardrobe.
" I have a bible.
I may have accidentally given it to goodwill, because I'm remodeling.
But goodwill is a religious organization I think.
But even if it's not, good will-- it's in the ballpark.
I buy tons of girl-scout cookies.
I have two "Mary is my homegirl" t-shirts.
These are all very positive if somewhat irrelevant things.
And it seems like your hearts are in the right place.
Absolutely.
Definitely.
And it says something good about you both that when a friend calls you up and asks a favor, you come through like this.
Right, right.
Shall we? We shall.
So, are you a Davey or a Martha? Davey, I bet, right? He's much more accessible.
He's the Dandy Warhols to Martha's Brian Jonestown massacre.
Oh.
Dang it.
Hey, Rory.
You look so pretty.
Hey, Sookie.
Oh, I want a picture of this.
Welcome, everybody.
Jesus tells Nicodemus in the fourth gospel, "unless one is born of water and spirit, one cannot enter the kingdom of god.
" Today we gather to honor three individuals as they dedicate themselves in the first sacrament of the faith and become members of the body of the church and the kingdom of god.
Here to bear witness and offer spiritual support are Lorelai Gilmore, godparent to Martha, Rory Gilmore, godparent to Davey, and, uh-- Jackson.
- Yo.
- Acting as your godparent will be? Oh, uh my brother Bo, I guess.
And, uh, Bo Belleville will serve as sponsor and witness for Jackson.
Will you come up here, please, Bo? Oh! Oh, bananas.
The candidates for baptism will now be presented.
We are honored with the privilege of being here today to witness and support in faith the baptism of David Edward Belleville, Martha Janice Lori Ethan Rupert Glenda Carson Daisy Danny Belleville, and Jackson Matthew Belleville.
I hereby charge Lorelai Gilmore, Rory Gilmore, and Bo Belleville with the responsibility of seeing to the spiritual welfare of these children and this believer.
We will now begin a series of ceremonial questions.
Lorelai Gilmore, do you renounce Satan and all the spiritual forces that rebel against God? Lorelai.
What? Why aren't you renouncing Satan? He said, "do you renounce Satan?" That's not something you pause about.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Uh, yes, I renounce Satan.
Okay.
Rory Gilmore, do you renounce Satan and all the spiritual forces that rebel against God? Did you call Rory? What? Did you call Rory on her cellphone and ask her to be a godmother? I renounce him.
- Bo Belleville - What are you whispering about? - I'm just trying to get some information.
- What information? Satan can kiss my ass.
How come Sookie had your phone number? What? She called you to ask you to be here, which means she must have had your phone number.
Excuse me.
Ladies? I'm sorry, reverend.
Can you just give us a moment, please? What is wrong with you? It's not like I really care, okay? It's not like I was gonna call you up to chitchat or make a date to go shoe shopping or something.
But shouldn't a mother have a way to contact her daughter at least in case of an emergency? What if I was in a accident and had to have a blood transfusion? You're the only person in the world with the same blood type.
It would really help to have your phone number.
We are holding up the service.
It's weird you would give Sookie your number and not me.
I didn't give Sookie my new number.
Sookie called grandma, grandma left me a note, and then I called Sookie back.
And I didn't get a new number.
I lost my phone.
If you lose your phone, you should suspend your service until you get a new one.
That way, you get to keep the same number.
Ever hear oh that? It's ridiculous to get an entirely new number.
No one gets an entirely new number.
Well, next time, I will suspend my service.
Um, hi, guys.
We kind of need the kids back.
Hey, godmother.
Hi.
So sorry again for the drama.
You always give me a good story to tell.
I aim to please.
I have a little confession to make.
I kind of asked you and Rory to both be godmothers because I thought it might kind of bring you back together, patch things up.
Well, blow me down.
Didn't fool you, huh? No, but the salads are excellent.
The salads are excellent.
Okay, that's it.
I'll be right back.
Hi, Bo.
Hey, darlin'.
What do you say we get out of these wet clothes? Listen, Bo, there's been a misunderstanding here.
What Rune told you about me-- it's not true.
Really? None of it.
- So you don't have a kid? - Well, no, I do have a kid.
You didn't get knocked up when you were 16? Well, that part technically is true.
And he said you've never been married.
That you're just single and dating around? Well, I've never been married exactly, but I'm engaged now.
That's pretty steady, very permanent.
He said you were engaged before.
It's all true-- I'm a horn dog.
So if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna get some potato salad.
Potato salad.
I get it.
Okay.
So, I'm leaving.
Okay.
Drive safe.
Look, I know this is lame at this point, but you can have my new number if you want it.
That's okay.
I can call mom, and she can leave you a note.
Okay.
Okay.
- Hello? - Hey.
Hey, how was the baptism? Fine.
I don't know.
I don't know what's going on.
I'm not handling things particularly well these days.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
Logan, are you okay? I had a talk with my father the other day, and apparently I'm going to graduate this year.
I'm going to get my act together and I'm gonna become a Huntzberger.
What does that mean? I'm going to start attending shareholder meetings, letting the boys see my face around.
It means my preordained life is kicking in.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Hey, always read the fine print on the family crest.
Maybe you can talk to your dad and tell him how you feel.
Hey, how far away are you from the airport? Why? Let's go to New York.
What? New York, you and me right now by helicopter.
A helicopter? You're kidding.
We will spend the weekend at the Pierre.
You don't have your community service till Monday, right? Yeah, but Don't pack.
We'll shop.
Much more irresponsible.
Um Logan-- I'll see you at the airport in 20 minutes, ace.
Okay, I'll see you in 20 minutes.
I think he's gonna take me for a ride in it.
What about your boyfriend? What about Jesse? Jesse's delicious.
He's gonna take me today to get a new toilet seat because mine got broken and was sliding.
I would fall off of it.
I go, "whoa!" It's not the same.
All these boring hellos What, am I scaring you? Want me to scare you? Boo boo boo! Beth