Hogan's Heroes (1965) s06e04 Episode Script

( theme song playing ) * * ( engine sputtering ) What's going on up there? What's up? Small plane up there.
HOGAN: Engine cut out-- he's going to crash.
Over there.
( loud explosion ) NEWKIRK: What do you think, sir? One of ours or one of theirs? Let's check it out through the tunnel.
( alarm ringing, dogs barking ) HOGAN ( whispers ): Come on, let's go.
* Deutschland, Deutschland uber alles * * Uber all * All right, let's get back to the tunnel.
SCHULTZ: Halt, who goes there! G-G-Guards! G-G-G-Guards! ( blows whistle ) It's no good, let him go.
( whistle blowing ) Guards! Comrade, comrade, I am your comrade! Halt! Delighted to see you, dear boy, and delighted to "bweathe" the "fwee" air of Germany.
( inhaling ) And take me to your leader, as they say, what? One of ours or one of theirs? I think he's one of yours, and you can have him.
And you are Sir Charles Chitterly? Yes, you've heard of me, of course.
Of course, of course.
Meant to land near Berlin.
Marvelous "bweak" for you, old chap.
Name will go down in history, that sort of thing.
What was your name, by the way? Uh, Klink, Kommandant Wilhelm Klink.
Two K's, no C.
How terribly odd.
However And you wish me to? Notify Berlin at once, dear chap, at once.
A-At once.
Anyone special in Berlin? The top man, Dolph, naturally.
Dolph? Adolph.
"Tewwific" sport, isn't he? Heil Hitler.
Heil Hitler.
Heil Hitler.
I say, that does have a "wing" to it, doesn't it? Top ho.
And you will get on with it right away, uh, uh? Klink.
Ah, yes, I'll remember that.
Two C's, no K.
Well? Oh, the message is that you are here? I am here.
Get cracking, there's a good chap.
Keen sort, your sergeant.
Saved me from those footpads out there, whoever they are.
Sergeant Schultz, Your Excellency.
Spelled whichever way you like.
Witty, you are.
A-ha, a-ha, a-ha ( laughing ) Well, well, well, well, well? I-I think I have it now.
Tell the Führer that you are here.
And a "gweat" big kiss for Eva "Bwaun," what? A-ha, a-ha, a-ha ( laughing ) ( laughter over radio ) A great big kiss to Eva Braun? Chitterly.
Chitterly.
Wasn't he a member of the Cliveden set? I think you're right, sir.
They're the ones that Rudolf Hess went over to visit.
Now he's returning the call, but why? He's as nutty as Hess.
Could be.
Hold it, hold it.
Klink got through to Berlin.
Yes, of course, Herr von Schlomm.
Every courtesy to Sir Charles.
I understand.
Stalag 13 is his until your arrival.
And not a word to anyone.
I understand, General von Schlomm.
Not a word.
As surely as my name is Klink, spelled K-L ( loud click ) Hello? Hello? And may I extend to you, Sir Charles, the complete freedom of our modest little prison? Smashing.
So, he's a pretty big fish.
Yeah, and whatever he's doing here, it's no good.
What are we gonna do about it, sir? How about 26 pounds of my new formula set off right under Klink's office? Too dangerous and too crude.
Crude? It's nothing personal, Carter.
It's just that we've got to go a different way.
Got anything in mind, Colonel? Nope.
You know, except for the glasses and the goatee, he looks almost like Colonel Crittendon.
Oh, not Crittendon.
What, have you gone around the bend? Bringing Crittendon? I'm crude? What about LeBeau? Now, there's a crude idea.
What idea? What did I say? About Crittendon Boy, is that Wait a minute, hold it, hold it, hold it.
LeBeau is right.
He does look like Crittendon.
That's the way we're going to have to go.
Oh, no, sir.
No, no, not that, sir.
You think I'm happy about it Newkirk? I want you and Carter to go out tonight, break in to Stalag 12 and bring Crittendon back here.
Aw, Colonel, no.
Carter, don't you know there's a war going on? I know it now, sir.
LeBeau.
Here.
Carter.
Baker.
Here.
Carter.
Where is Carter? Schultz, any truth to the rumor that a certain sergeant's up for a big promotion because he stands in very well with a certain VIP? VIP? Very important visitor.
Word's all around camp.
My lips are sealed.
Uh-huh.
Carter.
Wait, wait, where is Carter? You're wasted here, Schultz.
Come on, when are you going to Berlin? The thought never came into my mind, but should it happen tomorrow.
When the brass arrive from Berlin, huh? Hitler's right-hand man, General von, uh, what's his name? von Schlomm.
Yeah.
But, shh, top secret.
Uh-huh.
Where is Newkirk? Uh, bookkeeping.
I understand you saved the Englishmen from 50 partisans.
Hundred.
Mmm, might make captain for that.
Captain.
Yeah, at least.
What time's this General von Schlomm arrive from Berlin tomorrow? Early.
( whispers ): But forget that I told you.
You may even make major, Schultz.
Major Schultz.
Mm-hmm.
Report! Major Schultz I mean, Sergeant Schultz reporting! All present and accounted for.
Hogan, this is most irregular.
I mean, I appreciate your men breaking me out of Stalag 12, but why bring me here? Prisoner's first duty is to escape, Hogan, escape! I escaped 17 times last year.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
You're not answering my question.
Crittendon, if I knew, I'd tell you.
Fair enough? CRITTENDON: Sounds fair enough, yes.
More padding in the shoulder, hmm? Right.
Your men threatened me, Hogan, at gunpoint, on your orders, they said, and they're not even officers.
Crittendon, there's a very important visitor in camp, British, Sir Charles Chitterly, a traitor, and he just happens to look like you.
My dear fellow, why didn't you say so? And you need an expert to assassinate the traitor.
I'm your man, bing, bang, bing, and we're all off to jolly old England, what? Wrong.
I want you to take his place and carry out his mission.
Most irregular.
What's his mission? If I knew, I'd tell you.
LeBeau, lots of medals, huh? Mm-hmm.
I like lots of medals.
Hogan, I refuse-- unconditionally.
Becoming a traitor, carrying out a mission without the foggiest notion what it's all about? No, no, no, no, no, my dear chap.
No.
Crittendon, you may be right.
Really? Afraid so.
This thing requires acting ability.
It's asking too much of you.
But if you could only give me some sort of a Acting? The quality of mercy is not strain'd, it droppeth like the gentle gentle, uh Forget it, Crittendon, forget it.
Look, we'll get somebody else.
It's nothing personal, it's just the way things are.
Oh, no, no, just a minute, Hogan.
You're being completely dictatorial.
Don't call us, we'll call you.
And what you may have forgotten, Hogan, is that I rank you.
Hmm.
Can't argue with that, Crittendon.
LeBeau, shave off his mustache.
Right.
My mustache? It's all right, Crittendon, you can always use it as a goatee.
Decent of you, old boy.
Goatee?! Okay, Carter, I think Chitterly's in the bedroom.
You know what to do.
Yes, sir.
I find out from Chitterly why he's here.
Now, if he doesn't tell me, then I press.
Not too much, 'cause he might get suspicious.
Now, if he still doesn't tell me Uh, Carter I think you've got it.
You're on your own.
Yes, sir.
( groans quietly ) Ow! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! ( groaning ): Oh, oh Ooh! So, this is the way you receive the personal envoy of the Führer?! Report! Kommandant Klink reporting, General von This is General von Schlomm, isn't it? Is this the uniform of the day, Klink? I'm terribly sorry, General von Schlomm.
One of my aids should have awakened me.
( laughs ): But you know how it is.
All the best men are sent to the front.
That is intended as some sort of dirty crack?! Dirty crack? Oh, not at all, sir, far from it.
Not all the best men, General von Schlomm.
After all, look at me, sir.
I am looking at you.
Well, General von Schlomm, the uniform does add quite a bit.
That's enough! ( stammering ): Um yes, sir.
We understood that the general was not arriving until this morning, sir.
It is morning, Klink.
is morning.
is morning, yes, sir.
is morning, and 3:00 in the morning is morning, and remember that, Klink! is morning-- I think I have it now.
Yes, very valuable, too, sir.
And 2:00? And 3:00! And 3:00! Three what, dear boy? Three what? Ah, Sir Charles.
General Wolfgang von Schlomm at your service.
Oh, top ho.
Or as you chaps say, Heil Hitler.
Heil, Hitler! Very well put.
( chuckles ) Heil Hitler.
Klink, we will have schnapps in celebration of this glorious meeting.
Schnapps, right away.
Marvelous idea, General.
My very best.
Welcome to the sacred soil of our victorious Fatherland.
Thanks much.
And what greetings do you have for me from those wonderful people in Berlin? A great big kiss.
From Eva Braun? No, from Hermann Goering.
Even better.
A-ha, a-ha, a-ha! Sir Charles, may I? Sir.
To the complete and early success of your glorious mission! Hear, hear.
Whatever it is.
I beg your pardon? Y-Your mission.
Your mission.
Dolf didn't tell you? Dolf? I mean, the Führer, he doesn't know himself.
No, his orders are most explicit.
He said, "Find out what Crazy Charlie is up to now!" Those are his exact words? And very loud, too.
Shocking.
The Führer's well-known sense of humor, no doubt.
Right, General? One does not joke about my mission.
Hitler's known of it for weeks.
So he forgets.
If the mission is such a crackerjack, you would enjoy telling it again.
Call me a Messerschmitt, General.
I'm going back to England.
You are a Messerschmitt and you are staying here! No! Yes! Gentlemen, gentlemen, why don't we all reconsider this in the morning? I mean, in the morning morning.
Klink, you will check your security.
My security? Mm-hmm.
It is loose.
It's very loose.
Very loose.
Excellent suggestion.
As soon as I get my uniform on, I'll Now.
Now, now-- obviously the best time.
And no schnapps on duty.
No schnapps.
I was just about to say that.
Out! So, Sir Charles, you still wish to return to England? At once, von Schlomm.
It's countries like this that give fascism a bad name.
Please, step inside the stove.
I most certainly will not.
Apart from anything else, it's beastly hot in there.
All right, you.
Move it, now.
Beastly people, you Germans.
We're not Germans.
Then it's simply a beastly "countwy.
" Beastly.
You did not see General von Schlomm enter my quarters, Schultz, huh? That is correct, Herr Kommandant.
I did not see General von Schlomm enter your quarters.
You did not see him enter my quarters, Schultz, because you were asleep when he entered my quarters.
No, Herr Kommandant, I did not close my eyes.
Not once.
I wanted to close my eyes, but I did not close them.
Then how do you think the general got inside, Schultz, huh? That, Herr Kommandant, is not for me to say.
General von Schlomm, Sir Charles, back to report.
All loose security has now been tightened up and General von Schlomm? Sir Charles? Schultz! Schultz! Get in here at once.
What happened, Herr Kommandant? General von Schlomm and Sir Charles, they're both gone.
Uh-huh! And what is that supposed to mean? Merely, uh-huh.
Schultz, please try to understand.
A few minutes ago, they were both here.
I stepped outside.
When I came back, they were both gone.
Where? Perhaps they went through the back door? There is no back door.
Uh-huh.
That we can rule out.
Schultz, please, try to concentrate.
Exactly, Herr Kommandant.
( phone ringing ) I am not here.
Kommandant Klink's quarters.
Sergeant Schultz speaking.
Uh-huh! What is it, Schultz, what is it? The mystery is solved.
General von Schlomm, Herr Kommandant, just came through the main gate into camp in his staff car.
Oh, that's wonderful.
Wait a minute.
How could he? How did he get out? There was no time.
And why? Details.
Details? And what about Sir Charles? Was he with the general? No, he came alone.
How could that be? Uh-huh.
Schultz, I swear to you, I did not touch a drop.
Too bad-- delicious.
Schultz! Bad news.
The real General von Schlomm just came through the main gate.
Crittendon, you'd better get up there.
This is most irregular.
CHITTERLY: And shocking bad form.
Bad form all "awound.
" Wait, it gets worse.
Beastly "countwy.
" Sound the horn.
( horn blows ) Ah! Ah! General von Schlomm.
How very nice to see you again, sir.
Again? Of course, General von uh, uh von, uh Schlomm? No.
What is the matter with you, Klink? You are Klink? I certainly am Klink, sir.
But begging the general's pardon, who's the general? Have you been drinking? Oh, certainly not, sir.
At least not that I can remember.
I'm General von Schlomm.
You were not expecting me? Well, yes, and no.
Bring my bag.
That is not General von Schlomm.
Why not? You saw him.
It's not the same man.
You saw him.
Well, Klink? Ah, begging the general's pardon.
This way, please, sir.
Right this way, sir.
Where is Sir Charles? Ah, very good question, General.
Cuts right to the heart of the matter.
Where is Sir Charles? Excellent.
I'm waiting.
He's not with you? No.
No.
Where is Sir Charles, Schultz? He went, the Kommandant told me, with General von Schlomm.
Which is rather hard to do if you realize that General von Schlomm Thank you very much, Schultz.
Oh, not right now, thank you very much, General.
You will make excellent cannon fodder, Klink, for the Russian front.
This is the bedroom? Oh, yes, but I looked in there, General, for Sir Charles.
Klink, in our short period of acquaintance, I have come not to rely desperately on your powers of observation.
Excellent judgment, General von Schlomm, excellent.
Now we have found him.
Marvelous job, sir.
Listen, Klink, carefully, and try to understand, hmm? I will sleep in there.
Of course, Herr General.
And where do you want me to sleep? On your head.
On my head? In the morning, Sir Charles and I will be going to Berlin.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
And you will be on the first train for Pinsk.
Pinsk.
For Pinsk?! Um, what time will you be leaving for Berlin, General von Schlomm? As soon as Sir Charles' wife gets here.
Come.
Lady Chitterly's coming here? In the morning, and that tears it completely.
Why? Why? Why? She'll turn me in as an impostor, of course.
There's a good chance of that, yes.
So we cut and run, old boy.
Cut and run.
Sure, and when the Nazis can't find any Sir Charles-- who's got to be very, very important to them-- what happens? They'll tear this place apart.
Ah, but we won't be here.
I'm afraid we will.
We've just been talking to London.
They're not quite sure what Sir Charles is up to, but they want it stopped at all costs.
All costs, eh? Blast.
Yep.
And whatever it is, she's involved.
She's been in Germany for the last three months.
If you play your cards right, we should find out about the mission from her.
Really? How do I go about it? Come on.
Use your imagination, Crittendon.
She hasn't seen you in three months.
When you take her in your strong arms, she'll tell you anything.
I'm sorry, Hogan, no.
There are some things that a British officer does not do.
Oh, for Colonel Crittendon.
Would you like to see a picture of her? We found one in Sir Chitterly's wallet.
Sorry, chaps, but an officer's moral code is, uh is, uh All costs, eh? All costs.
Well, I, uh, I suppose it is all in the line of duty, what? Good lad.
You're, uh, quite sure you should stay here, Hogan? We went over that, Crittendon.
Well, dash it all, a man needs a certain amount of privacy if he's going to, uh, well, uh, carry it off, what? You'll get it.
What if she doesn't believe you're her husband? You'll also need a certain amount of help.
Jolly good point.
Now, just how do you propose to help me? I haven't the foggiest.
I say, that's a bit thick.
( door closes ) Thank you, General, I think that will be all.
As you wish, Lady Chitterly.
They're here.
And how about some champagne? I have several bottles of a rather amusing little year.
Klink.
Of course.
Of course.
( knock at door ) Uh, uh, come in.
Charles.
Darling.
HOGAN: Hey! I say, by jove, I mean to say what? I'll take that.
Who are you? Never mind that.
von Schlomm may be here in a couple of seconds.
Just tell me-- were you trying to kill him because he is your husband or because he isn't your husband? Because he No No, you're not Charles, are you? You're just as glad, too, with all due respect, your ladyship.
( knocking ) VON SCHLOMM: Lady Chitterly, Sir Charles, are you all right? I heard sounds, shouting.
Well Well, I thought it was rather strange.
How terribly quaint.
Now, where is he? We're holding him.
Why were you trying to kill him? Because he's a filthy traitor.
What's he doing in Germany? Sir Charles wants England to surrender.
He's here to take back Hitler's terms.
A few crumbs from the table and Charles and his crowd will press for acceptance, loudly.
England would never buy it.
No, but it could hurt.
All right, Lady Chitterly, we don't have time to check out references, but we all seem to be going the same way.
Will you work with us? On two conditions.
One, that you give me back my knife.
Two, that in the end, you give me back Charles.
Agreed.
I've got work to do.
I'll check with you later.
You're not leaving, Hogan.
Sure, you need your privacy.
( softly ): Hogan! Talking to London, Baker? Right, Colonel.
What's the word? They got any great ideas? Just play along and see what turns up.
See what turns up? We got poor Crittendon up there playing house with a tigress, Hitler waiting for him in Berlin with a great big kiss, and London says see what'll turn up? What do they think will turn up? How about total disaster? You'll think of something, Colonel.
Sure.
I say, you chaps.
I'm sorry, sir.
He keeps on nagging about wanting to see his wife.
Not only wanting it, demanding it.
Hogan, by all the "wules" of warfare, I have every "wight" to expect You know something? You open your mouth one more time you will see your wife.
What an extraordinary fellow.
I can't follow a word he says.