It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s06e04 Episode Script

Back with the Preston and Steve Show.
Listen up.
We've got to open up the phone lines.
The first listener who can correctly answer our stupid trivia question of the day is gonna get to come down to the Flyers game with us tomorrow night and take a shot from center ice.
If you make it, you win two V.
I.
P.
passes to the 93.
3 WMMR Beach House for our Start of Summer Blowout! Who would want to spend a weekend at a beach house with these idiots? - Nothing but busy signals.
- I'm on hold on all of 'em.
We're gonna get through.
You're on hold on those? - Hey, who's on the line? - Uh, uh, Mac from South Philly! All right, Mac from South Philly, you're on with Preston and Steve! - Holy shit! He got on! - Holy shit! I got on! Please don't curse.
All right, here's the question.
What Philadelphia Flyer holds the franchise record for goals in a season? You have 30 seconds.
Go! - It's a hockey question! - Go, go! Hockey, hockey! Where's the "H" key? There's no "H" key! - What are you talking about? - Is there another way to spell "hockey"? - There's no "H" key! - There's an "H" right there! Why did I put you in charge of this job? Forget this.
I got this.
Think, Mac.
Think.
Think.
Think.
- I gotta think like that guy that sits on the rock.
- This dude? The one like that? - Yeah, with the big muscles.
He puts his hand on his He's big, green and gets angry? - The Thinker? - The Thinker.
Oh, the Hulk! The Incredible Hulk! Hulk doesn't think at all! Shit, I know this.
Dude, you gotta stop cursing.
You guys can't censor me.
I'm a bit of a badass.
All right, let's go! Answer the question! Come on! I don't know.
I don't know it.
Damn it! Reggie Leach.
Reggie Leach is the correct answer! Wow! Center ice shot, baby! # We're goin' to the beach house # # Gonna make our dreams come true # # Down at the beach house is what we're gonna # - # Do-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh # - Yeah! This is a potentially life-changing opportunity.
Not potentially.
It is a life-changing opportunity.
It is! Sorry.
How is spending a weekend at a radio show beach house a life-changing opportunity? Dude, there is gonna be so many athletes and celebrities at that beach house.
This is my chance to finally sow myself into the inner circle.
I'm gonna be like a local sports legend.
- Hey, can we have our phones back? - Oh, yeah, yeah.
Why don't you get on 'em about using the minutes on the cell phones? They used up all your minutes.
Right? Frank, nobody gives a shit about minutes anymore.
Actually, you know what? I do give a shit about minutes.
I know I shouldn't and I'm just probably buying into the phone company's propaganda.
- But there you go.
- Interesting.
- What is happening here? Why are you taping them? - Because they got great banter.
They jib-jab.
Jib-jab, jib-jab, jib-jab.
I use it for the car because my stereo's busted.
We have a lot of interesting things to say, so - Oh, shit, I feel like the conversation we've been having the last five minutes is a lot more interesting than the shit they're talking about on the radio.
You kidding? Moronic commentary, stupid sound effects.
It's dumb.
It doesn't make any sense.
We have voices.
We talk about the issues.
I feel like we could do a podcast and it would be a million times better - Than whatever that drivel was we were listening to.
- Without a doubt.
- You know what? This sounds like jealousy talk.
- Yeah.
"Mac, Charlie, congratulations on your slap shot and the beach house.
Okay? Uh, we're happy for you.
" - You're sad sometimes.
You're dark souls.
- Why aren't you happy for us? - You wanna just do our thing and let - - Let's do our thing.
Have fun with your important conversations and your big issues with your brains and your smart stuff, okay? - We got hockey to learn! - And we're gonna - - And it's gonna change our lives.
- Life-changing! - Okay.
It was The Thinker.
It's The Thinker.
- You couldn't spell hockey.
Oh! Zing! Boom-boom! Hold on a second.
You guys are the best.
Do not speak until I turn my tape over.
Okay.
Oh, shit! I taped over my Luther Vandross mix! Ahh! Okay, dude, now we're both in agreement.
This is probably the biggest opportunity either of us have ever had in our lives, right? We are not men who get a lot of opportunities, Charlie.
- The few we've had, we've squandered.
- We've squandered 'em all.
That's why we gotta stay focused, Mac.
I mean, this is pro sports! - We gotta do this right.
You gotta look good.
- Yeah.
And you can't miss that shot, right? - I really appreciate you helping me, dude.
- Absolutely.
- A little pee-wee hockey experience never hurts.
- You're good.
Okay, so first things first.
- Hold the hockey stick.
- Hold the hockey stick.
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay, good.
'Cause I was thinking I'd have a position sort of like this.
Why would you do that? All of my instincts and my training tell me to use this as a weapon.
All of your instincts and your training are wrong.
Hold it like a hockey stick or people are going to boo you.
- The Philly fans are brutal, dude.
- All right, fine! All right? Right.
Then you just sort of haunch down a little bit.
- Okay? Can you - - Done.
You might wanna hau - You look stiff like a - You look like a G.
I.
Joe action figure.
Loosen up.
And haunch.
- What if I do this? - That's way stiffer! - That's pretty good right there, Charlie.
- You look so awkward.
Bro, when you tack on mass you sacrifice flexibility.
That's just a straight-up fact! That's insane! Touch your toes! What am I, a gymnast? - Teach me how to shoot the shot! - All right, fine, fine.
Calm down.
All right.
What you're gonna want to do is just gently - gently sort of guide the puck at the net like, you know, like a tiny bowl of cream you don't want to spill and you're guiding it.
I'm not gonna do that.
I'm gonna go out there and take a wicked slap shot.
You know? Really make a name for myself.
Otherwise I go out there, I look like a jabroni.
You know what? Yeah.
We might wanna work on some kind of routine, huh? Thank you.
Exactly.
So I'll go out there, I showcase my weaponry - Uh-huh.
Pump the crowd up.
- Really get the crowd up and raise the roof.
Huh? - Okay.
But you can't take a slap shot before you even know how to handle a stick and a puck.
So will you just glide one? Just to get the form.
And then we'll get bigger and bigger and eventually slap shots.
But it starts with gliding like cream.
Go! - Gliding like a jabroni is what I'm gonna be doing.
- Jabroni.
Okay, go.
- Well, that didn't do anything.
- That was pretty pathetic.
You're right.
The problem is, I'm out in the elements, dude.
There's so much wind and sun.
- And this asphalt- That's not regulation.
- No, it's not regulation - - So it's not gonna slide.
- All right, you know what? You wanna do this the right way? - Yeah.
- Let's go to the ice.
Let's get some pucks.
All right? We'll slide, we'll take a few slap shots.
We'll do this the right way.
- Let's go to the ice.
- Let's go to the ice.
All right, very exciting stuff.
We're pretty much ready to go with this podcast.
What the hell is a podcast? Why don't you just tape it? What are you doing? You don't have to tape it these days, Frank.
You just record it right onto the computer.
And once we start recording, Frank, I'm gonna need you to stop eating those crackers.
It's incredibly annoying, and it's all anyone's gonna be able to hear.
So, Dennis and Dee Reynolds here.
Inaugural podcast.
We're talking technology today.
The big "T.
" Absolutely.
Everyone's talking about technology these days because it's everywhere.
- Oh, it is- You can't escape it.
- You absolutely can't.
So, Dee, tell us what you feel about technology.
What's your opinion on it? My opinion? Dead air! - Could you ease up on the crackers? - I'm gettin' bored with this! - I'm gonna bring my guest in.
- Guest? - I asked Cricket to come.
Cricket.
He's outside.
- Cricket? No! You can't bring guests in here! This is our podcast! I feel like you're trying to take over! No, you know what? Actually this could bring up a pretty good issue.
If you bring Cricket in here we could rail on him about the homeless issue.
- Cricket! - Cricks.
- Yo.
- Come on in, buddy.
We're ready for ya.
Hey, Frank, where's my chicken? This is taking forever.
Come on.
- I promised him a rotisserie chicken.
- Let's go.
Chop-chop.
- I'm starving here.
- What's going on with your voice? It's from when Frank hit me with the trash can.
- Wound got infected.
It was a whole ordeal.
- Ugh! Okay, all right, well, uh, listen, let's get into the issues here.
We're gonna start rolling on this, Cricket.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
I am not saying another word until I get the chicken.
- I lied about the chicken, Crick.
- Are you kidding me? - It was bullshit.
- Oh, my God.
Unbelievable.
Why do I even trust you? All right, wait a minute.
Here.
I do have something for you.
- Lemons.
- Lemons? - Yeah.
You suck on 'em.
- Oh, come on.
At least give me the crackers.
- No, suck on a lemon.
Here.
Go ahead.
- Well, they are good for scurvy.
- I'll have a few lemons.
But then I'm out of here.
- All right, here we go.
So, uh, Dennis and Dee Reynolds here.
We are talking about the homeless issue here in Philly.
That's a big issue these days, and we're here with our friend Cricket.
He is a homeless man.
Cricket, walk us through a day in your life.
Oh, a day in the life.
Well, uh, the other morning I wake up, I find a dog sniffin' at my wound.
- Mmm.
- He's fully aroused, mind you.
So I'm thinking, "Oh, great.
What does this jerk want?" Course I know what he wants.
He's lookin' at me right in the eyes.
He does not have to say it.
Not that he could.
Oh, that is- that is tart! That is really tart.
I mean, does my scar look like a dog's vagina? You know? Maybe.
I don't know.
I'm not gonna sit here and try to get inside the mind of a dog.
I mean, that's God's work.
Well, not that I believe in God.
I don't.
Not since that Chinaman stole my kidney.
- Cricket, tell Dee how much you think she's ugly.
- That's not gonna make sense.
He doesn't think I'm ugly.
He's madly in love with me.
- Don't flatter yourself.
I'm over you, sister.
- Since when? Since I found out you are a whore.
- Will you stop talking about this! This has nothing to do Ohh! Well, maybe you're a whore, you stupid, ugly, homeless bitch! - Zing! - A dog banged your neck the other day! - You're both whores! - This is great radio! At least someone's banging my vagina! Get into it! Get into it! This is not good radio! All right.
Okay, this is exciting, Mac! This is exciting! - You know? You're- What are you doing? - Huh? - Will you take this seriously? - I am taking it seriously.
This is your big moment, man.
You gotta walk out to center ice and you gotta be like, "Hey! U.
S.
A.
! U.
S.
A.
!" - U.
S.
A! - Not like that.
Make it classy.
Okay, but keep in mind I am gonna be wearing the duster.
Of course you're gonna wear the duster.
That's gonna look awesome.
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
You should probably also be wearing a wig.
- A wig? - Totally.
Long, flowing hair.
That's gonna look way more dramatic.
You know what I mean? Okay, I like the wig idea in spirit.
The problem is, I'll have to wear the wig to the beach house so people will recognize me.
Next thing you know, I'm wearing a wig for the rest of my life just to keep up appearances.
Yeah, like Andre Agassi, huh? Yeah.
Right.
I don't wanna do that.
I don't know.
Let's not rule it out.
A good hockey wig could put this thing over the top, man.
- Okay, fine.
Let's do this! Come on, dude! - Let's do this thing! - We'll take some shots.
- What else are we here for, dude? Let's do some shots! - All right, you ready? - Let's see what you got.
Haunch.
What was that? All right, well, that would have been cool if I was standing backwards.
You're not gonna stand backward.
You're gonna stand forward.
You're gonna - What the hell are you two doing out here? - Don't worry about it, bro.
- We're prac - You can't be out here swinging hockey sticks.
You're not even supposed to be out here without skates.
Now get out! - All right - - Out! Okay! We're leavin'.
You know what, Charlie? I think he's right, dude.
Only a couple of jabronis come out here without skates on.
I gotta do this thing in skates.
You know, work up a routine, really jazz the crowd.
- Can I stop you though? - Yeah.
You keep using this word "jabroni.
" And it's awesome! - It's like the coolest word I- Is that a hockey thing? - Yeah- N- I don't know.
- I think it's some dago word, but it sounds like a hockey word.
- It does - You're gonna want to brush up on your hockey words.
At the beach house you're gonna be hanging out with the Flyers.
Okay, we are back.
Dennis and Dee Reynolds here.
We're back to the podcast.
- We got a little derailed earlier.
- We did.
We did.
But that's okay.
We're gonna get back on track here.
- I got a hot topic that I wanna talk about, Dee.
- Tell me what it is.
This is something I'm pretty charged up about.
It's stem cell research.
- Good one.
Excellent one.
- It's a very divisive issue these days.
- People are really going to town, one side against the other.
- Oh, absolutely.
- Some people are for it, some people are against it - - What is that? What are you doing? - That was a duck.
- Why would you make a duck noise right in the middle of my thing? - It was funny.
- Yeah, but you derailed us.
- I thought I'd up the production value, add some sound effects.
- Well, don't.
- Okay, well - So, stem cell research- Stop.
- Stem cell research is a very - Why are you still pu - - Stop pushing sound effects.
I want to talk about ser - - Which one is that one? - This one.
That's a laser beam.
Yeah.
- I like that one.
I wanna pepper that one in.
- Okay.
- Don't do it while I'm talking.
- All right, well, we'll see.
- Hello.
- Hey! Frank! - That's Frank Reynolds, everybody! - I have a great topic for you.
- War.
- War! - War? Good one! - Yeah.
Yeah! Everyone's talking about the war.
And I have the perfect guest.
- Huh.
- Okay.
All right.
- Ben the soldier.
- Hey, Dee.
Good to see you.
What are you doing? No.
No, no, no.
I'm not comfortable with this.
Okay, Ben is a soldier.
He's in the war- probably.
Not now, obviously, unless the war is happening here.
Is the war happening here? I don't know! Let's get into all this stuff.
Ben the soldier is here with us, folks, and I want to talk to him because, Ben, it's my understanding that there is a war going on right now.
Am I - Am I right in this? Well, actually there are two wars right now.
- Two war - - You don't say.
- We're in the midst of two wars? - Huh! Now, the United States of America is engaged in both of these wars? Yes.
Yes, they are.
And, uh, are either of these wars happening on U.
S.
, uh, soil? Excuse me.
Let me- Let me - - What is your job in the war? - Let me just - - Are you a carrier of- of, uh, large weaponry? - Let me just interr - How 'bout if we talk about how you used to bang each other? - Yeah - - No - What kind of technique did you use? Tie-ups and stuff like that.
- Frank, it's not good radio.
- 'Cause people like sex.
Okay, well, I just want to clarify.
What my producer, Frank, is referring to is the fact that Ben, our soldier here and Dee used to be lovers.
- Hey! That's a good one! - Don't do that to me.
That's not funny.
- You're in the hot seat, girl.
- I'm not in the hot seat! Ben's in the hot seat! All right, Mac, so you're gonna come on the ice and fire out to center.
Right? Do, like, a cool turn, get the crowd going! - Okay.
So, fire out - - C- Come on! - Huh? - What are you d - - Huh? - That's not cool! Wait.
Do you not know how to ice skate? No, not at all.
But I figured you would teach me, 'cause we got plenty of time.
We don't have time! It's tomorrow night, man! Charlie, you gotta help me, dude.
This is my big break.
Come on! Oh, my God! All right, we got a lot of work to do.
All right, here.
Grab the stick.
- Ready? - Uh-huh.
And we'll start slow.
Oh, my - - This is gonna take forever, man.
- That's good.
That's good.
That's good.
I'm skating.
# Push it to the limit # # Limit # # Walk along the razor's edge # # But don't look down # # Just keep your head or you'll be finished # # Open up the limit # # Limit # # Past the point of no return # # You've reached the top # # But still you gotta learn # - # How to keep it # - Charlie, don't! Don't! Don't! # Hit the wheel and double the stakes # # Throttle wide open like a bat out of hell # # You crash the gates # # Crash the gates # # Going for the back of beyond # # Nothin 'gonna stop you There's nothin' that strong # Send it on in! Whoo-hoo! # So push it # # Ooh, yeah # # The limit, the limit, the limit, the limit # - # Push it to the limit # - # The limit, the limit, the limit, the limit # Okay, next guest! All right, Dennis, let's get this over with.
Don't bring her in here stinkin' up the joint.
Come on.
Frank said you were gonna apologize to me.
Oh! Who's in the hot seat now? - Let's not push too many of those.
You're abusing it.
- It's gonna get not funny after a little while.
- No, no, that's good.
So let me understand this, waitress.
Uh, Frank promised you an apology from me.
You didn't believe him, did you? - Come on.
- Yeah.
Really? Well, that makes you incredibly gullible and stupid.
Oh! Oh, oh! Don't take that from him.
- Are you gonna take that from him? Stand up for yourself! I'm not leaving here until you apologize to me.
Yeah? Well, you're gonna be here for a while.
She's boring me.
I'll give you 50 bucks if you take off your top and you drink soup out of my shoe.
- What? - Okay, now that I'd like to see.
Yeah, yeah, me too.
What do you say, sister? You need some extra cash? - No.
- 500 bucks.
Cricket, bring her some soup.
You're gonna pay me $500 to drink soup out of a shoe.
And take your top off.
Fine.
- Oh! - I'll do it.
- Nice! - But I am not taking my top off.
- Well, that's a relief to all of us.
- Ooh! - Zing! - Zinged her! Gotcha! Couldn't find soup, but I found some dirty dishwater.
- Boom! Even better! - I am not drinking dishwater.
- Oh, come on.
- Dump it on her head.
- What? - Yes! - Whoa! - Oh, my God! Hold it- Ugh! Oh, now this is good radio! Holy shit, dude.
There's a lot of people here.
I'm getting nervous, Charlie.
Yeah, you might throw up when you get out there, you know, from the nerves.
You're supposed to be my coach, dude.
Don't tell me I'm gonna throw up! - I know, but people do that, so try not to throw up.
- Oh, come on, dude.
- Mac! Charlie! What's up, man? - You guys came to support me! - Uh, yeah! Yeah! - Oh- Yeah, that was - - Yeah, yeah, that's why we're here.
- Primarily, yeah.
But also, since we're here we wanted to give you this tape so you could give it to those radio guys.
That's our demo tape.
We were recording the whole thing on a computer.
But then the computer got water dumped all over it.
It was a whole thing.
- "Luther Vandross"? - Is that still on there? - Oh, that's very off-putting, Dennis.
- We should have relabeled it.
- It's not Luther Vandross.
- Make sure you tell 'em it's not Luther Vandross.
Let's get going! Mac from South Philly, get out here! - This is you! - Oh! Here we go.
Here we go.
Everybody say a prayer.
Let's do this.
Give 'em the tape.
- What is that? - The future of radio, you jabronis.
"Jabronis.
" Cool word.
Score! He did it! Mac from South Philly has cemented himself as a Philly sports legend! Let's hear it for Mac! Mac! Mac! Mac! Mac! Mac! Mac! Mac! Mac! Mac! Mac! Mac! Mac! Mac! Mac! Mac! Mac! Mac! Mac! Mac! Mac! Wake up! Mac! Mac! Mac! Wake up! Mac, wake up! What happened? Did I do good, Charlie? No.
You fell on your face almost immediately, man.
- Who took the shot? - I took the shot.
Yeah, I missed wide right by, like, a mile.
It was terrible.
Look on the bright side, dude.
I think you're gonna be a sports celebrity after all 'cause they're definitely gonna play that shit on ESPN.