Lovejoy (1986) s06e04 Episode Script
Double Edged Sword
(ALARM GOES OFF) (ANOTHER ALARM IS SET OFF) (POLICE SIREN WAILS) Careful with that.
Where are you taking it? - The playroom.
- No.
Jim Leonard, my old coach.
He's forgotten more scams than I'll ever learn.
He's rented a house here for a while.
We're helping him furnish it.
You must remember Jim - last time I left with egg all over my face.
Oh, it's a Collinson's.
Collinson's of Liverpool.
I had one.
The exact twin.
Oh, Marmalade! The places he took me! Epsom Downs, Sherwood Forest, Balaklava - He's got woodworm.
- So will you have, my precious, when you're that age.
Whatever you paid for it, Lovejoy, plus 10%.
Done.
What do you want a rocking horse for, Mr Leonard? Nostalgia! Memories of long, hot summers, the taste of Nanny Brown's bread and butter pud, Poohsticks under Cuckoo Bridge, the smell of newly-mown hay.
Shall we shove it up your bedroom? Please.
A good morning's graft.
I feel a cocktail coming on.
- You and your gang care for one? - Certainly, James.
"Revenge is a dish best served cold.
" Hello! - Mr Lovejoy? - Just Lovejoy.
Don't bother going in there - you're comin' with me.
- Where to? - To see my brother.
Well, tell your brother I'm helping a friend - with an auction of fine furniture.
- He's generous, he'll pay.
I'll look in my diary.
Maybe next week, eh? There's just no convincing you, is there? No, there isn't.
I'm busy.
I'll see you later.
MAN: You hit him too hard, Harry.
Easy! I said wake him, not kill him.
Sorry, Frank.
Lovejoy? You've met my baby brother, I think.
Harry Whymark.
Southeast Counties Heavyweight Champion, 1978.
Hi, Harry.
Frank Whymark.
- Ah, Frank.
- Maybe you've heard the name.
Wymark? - Whymark, with an "h".
- Yeah, maybe I've heard the name.
Lot of nasty things been said about me.
A lot of them are true.
Well, if you want an evaluation It's urgent.
I'm on the phone.
Couldn't wait.
Sorry.
What? It's a nice piece of furniture.
Even nicer when it was full.
Yeah.
That should be a wakizashi - not only for fighting but for the ritual suicide.
Seppuku.
Disembowelling.
Bleurgh! Please, Mr Whymark, I'm still a little fragile, OK? Made in 1762.
The blade was a soft iron core with layer upon layer of superb steel.
Incredible craftsmanship.
He doesn't think? You don't think that I had? No, no.
Course not.
But it was stolen, and I want it back.
I want you to look for it and I want you to find it.
Now, with respect, Frank, that could be anywhere.
Not my problem, Lovejoy.
Why don't you go to the police, hm? - Tell 'em you nicked it.
- (FRANK MOUTHS) (HE CHUCKLES) Shall I hit 'im again, Frank? In my experience, people only call the police when they don't expect things to be returned.
I do.
You've done time, Lovejoy.
Press your tutored ear to a few walls.
Nothing's so habit-forming as money.
A small advance.
Two grand? "Offer a man a bribe - if he refuses, offer him a bullet.
" Al Capone, 1928.
(LAUGHING) - I'll need a photo and a description.
- In the envelope.
Shall we say Friday, before midnight? Friday might be difficult.
I'm a difficult man! Where is he? I've been ringing all morning! Who, Lovejoy? No, the Archduke Franz Ferdinand! What, this his furniture, then? - Most of it! - We thought he was here.
He's supposed to be! This whole auction was his idea! - Is there anything we can do? - Yes.
Move.
Lovejoy, we've just been over to Charlotte's - Yeah, well done.
- With your French cabinet? - Yeah? Fabulous.
- The tortoiseshell and Terrific.
I want you to paper the county with these, Tink.
- Samurai sword? - That's right.
- Who? - Anybody and everybody.
Shopkeepers, punters, collectors You don't get too many samurai swords to the pound these days.
- No.
- Been over to Charlotte's yet? - Why? - The auction! - Your auction.
- "Fine furniture, etc.
" She was steamed up good and proper, she was.
Yeah, well, she doesn't have a Southeast Counties Heavyweight Boxing Champion working for her, does she? This comes first - deadline Friday.
What do we call it? Er, joint stool - late Or coffin stool.
"Joint" because of the mortise and tenon joints.
And "coffin" because you get two or three of these side by side in church and put a coffin on 'em.
- Lovejoy.
- Charlotte.
"Conspicuous by his absence" - I think that's the phrase I was looking for.
- There is a reason - There always is.
Slap a reserve on it, Bill.
Just 1,200 - it's not exactly fine furniture.
Clocks went forward in March, Lovejoy! I'm really under the cosh, Charlotte.
Really under.
So who's wielding this cosh? Someone who wants me to find something for them.
And what is the something? A samurai sword.
Mm! Bet that spilt some blood in its day.
Its day might not be over.
It might only be Group A rhesus positive, but it's all I've got.
Oh, I see.
You want me to make a computer search.
- What a marvellous idea! - It's more than you deserve.
I'll be eternally grateful, Charlotte.
Of course you will, Lovejoy.
I'm going to make you a deal.
As well as the computer search, I'm going to call in a few favours from some of my private contacts in exchange for you checking all this furniture now.
Done.
You know, Lovejoy, all you had to do was ask.
Mm.
Mm.
Course, you'd rather con someone into helping you, wouldn't you? Any day.
Just remember this is urgent, please.
Jack, seen anything like this about? Don't get much call for this in Suffolk.
Shame, really.
- Beautiful piece of work.
- Put the word out, will you? - Lovejoy needs it by yesterday.
- Yesterday? Well, Friday.
Well, yes, it is rather.
- (BEEPING) - If you could, Archie.
I'll have it faxed to you immediately.
Mm? Oh, the Hunt Ball! Yes, of course.
I'd love to.
Thanks.
Bye! Another blank and a promise to dance with Prince Halitosis at the Hunt Ball.
- You're all heart, you know, Charlotte.
- I don't know why I even bother.
No? Well, it's not as if we're that close these days.
How's this computer search going? (BEEPING) Look, Lovejoy, I've still got this auction to organise.
- I wouldn't mind if I only felt - You're doing a marvellous job.
Is it just you or do you think all men are irredeemably self-centred and myopic? Is that a trick question and can we start with an easier one? (BEEPING) Hello! How are you? Have you seen one of these on your travels recently? You're the second bloke today to come asking for this.
- Really? - I told him, I told Tinker - very rare.
Not much chance in this part of the world.
So, um, it-it's quite valuable? It is to Lovejoy.
Really? Do you remember where you were, Tinker, when Kennedy died? My dear Beth, I don't remember where I was last Wednesday.
It was nineteen hundred and sixty-three.
The Swinging '60s.
Hm! Disappeared into a blur.
Do you know what they say about the '60s, Beth? If you can remember them, you weren't there.
With me, the same applies to the '70s, the '80s and half the '90s Tink! Large G and T.
- After you tell me.
- Scatty Herbert.
- Yeah, I know Scatty Herbert.
- Sheffield plate, domestic silver - And pig ignorant.
and militaria.
- Yeah.
- Many's the NAAFI bun that Scatty Tink, please.
Come on, hm? Auction, antique samurai sword, Bury, Wednesday, pm.
- What do you say to that? - Large gin and tonic.
- LOVEJOY: Anything else? - TINKER: Yes - your old mate, Jim Leonard.
Jim! You didn't say you were coming here.
Neither did you, dear boy.
Charlotte Cavendish - Jim Leonard.
- Oh, I don't believe it! - Hello! Oh, you know each other, do you? (AMERICAN ACCENT) Mm.
Pastrami on rye, hold the mustard.
What a memory! We first met in a New York deli.
Where was your pad? Between Lexington and 3rd Street.
East 37th.
On my American stint.
Excuse me, guys, I have to meet a man about a pair of Satsumas.
Meet up later, Charlotte.
Mmm! Chin-chin! Never said you knew Jim Leonard.
I never realised you knew him.
- Sure? - Positive.
The reserve is 7,000.
Have you got the money? Don't need it.
- It is beautiful.
- Mm.
Why wait? Just tell them it's stolen.
They'll have to withdraw it.
Why spoil the fun? - All right, Jim? - Yeah, fine, Lovejoy.
AUCTIONEER: Now, ladies and gentlemen, lot 29.
An antique Japanese sword.
A samurai sword.
Date on the blade - 1762.
Shall we start at £5,000? Has rigor mortis set in, ladies and gentlemen? An antique samurai sword, over 200 years old Now, please? Thank you, sir.
6,000? Thank you, sir.
Eight? Nine? It's with you, sir.
Thank you.
Ten? Any more - for ritual disembowelling? - (CROWD GROANS) A new bidder.
11,000? It's with you, sir, with you at ten for the first time.
Another new bidder.
£11,000.
Thank you, sir.
Shame to lose it, sir.
With the gentleman at the back at £15,000.
With the gentleman at the back at £15,000 For the first time Twice.
Twice Sold for £15,000.
- You've lost it, Lovejoy.
- Mm.
What's going on? Don't you just love being in control, hm? What? Hm? - Thanks very much.
- Bye-bye.
- Thank you.
- You beat me to it, Jim.
- Lovejoy, would you mind holding it? - Mm.
Thank you.
I I'm sorry about that.
No hard feelings? Not at all.
It's beautiful, isn't it? I just didn't realise that you were into Asian arts and crafts.
Well, never let the left hand know hm? You must have spent all morning boning up on it, eh? - I've got this contact in Hong Kong.
- Really? The Japanese believe that artefacts which originate in Japan - should return there.
- That's fascinating.
You think you'll double your money, do you? Oh, at least! - Probably treble it.
- Really? Mm, oh, yes.
- Excuse me.
- Yes, of course.
Maybe even quadruple it.
Well, it certainly beats working for a living.
Yeah.
Always said you were a good loser.
Mind you, you've had lots of practice.
- Maestro! - Oh, thank you.
Oh, Charlotte, I was thinking of popping to the pub for a bottle of bubbly.
- Would you like to join me? - We'd love to, wouldn't we, Charlotte? Mm! Are you going to tell him it's stolen? Later.
Later.
It's the Bentley.
Oh, Charlotte, Lovejoy.
What can I say? All ready for a convivial evening, I had a call on the mobile.
Hong Kong buyer's in town for 24 hours.
I knew you'd both understand.
We must must do this again soon.
Longer, of course.
Ciao! Lovejoy, if he sells to that Hong Kong buyer, you're in real trouble.
I think I know who that "Hong Kong buyer" is.
How did you know? Cos I saw her at the auction.
And when are you going to tell Jim his sword's stolen? Well, give him half an hour to drive to the Blue Boar, aperitif, dinner, brandy afterwards Let him wind up the gramophone.
About half past ten.
How do you know he's taken her to the Blue Boar? Cos that's where I'd have taken her.
(BOTH GIGGLING) Ah, look after the Bentley for me, would you? (BOTH GIGGLING) - Anything you care to recommend? - Cod's always good.
And the plaice.
Tinker swears by the haddock, though.
You said you were taking me out to dinner, Lovejoy.
Yeah, I am.
Move up a bit.
To a wonderful fish restaurant, you said! - Are you saying I lied to you? - This isn't quite what I had in mind.
Don't tell me you want rock salmon! No, grilled salmon is what I was thinking of.
Rainbow trout with almonds, red snapper No, no, no.
You see, you can't eat mushy peas and pickled onions with that.
Spoils the flavour.
(GENTLE CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS) He'd win a gold medal, that man.
World-class groveller.
I've always been a fan of Dom Perignon.
Like me, they don't do things by halves.
Oh! I was 40 before I knew that.
Salut, Joanna.
- The name's Jo.
- Jo.
What did we decide about the oysters, hmm? Mmm.
Cod and chips, mushy peas and pickled onions twice, please.
Got to live a little, haven't you, Charlotte, eh? What would you like to drink? Well, I'll leave that to you, Lovejoy, you're obviously the expert.
Well, I can recommend anything in the fridge.
- Got any Vimto? - Vimto?! Excuse me! I think you'll find the queue starts back there.
Clock's still ticking, Lovejoy.
And Frank's foot's starting to hurt him again.
Oh, everything's under control, Harry.
Another cod and chips, please.
- Was that your client? - Mm-hm.
Have one of these.
Ooh! Ooh, lovely! Mm! Even has a view! So, it's only a car park.
And an electric trouser press.
How many people do you imagine use that? Oh, I do whenever I'm in a hotel.
TV, trouser press, hairdryer, shoe polisher.
Oh, I use all the toys.
Ooh! Rrr! - That's better.
- I'll just give these a rinse.
Yes, quite.
You know, the pressure inside one of these is six kilos per square centimetre.
- I'll bet you didn't know that.
- I did not.
Approximately the same as a bus tyre.
You're a fund of knowledge, aren't you? Mm.
I took one of these once, a vintage '65, to a Christmas party.
My host poured it into the punchbowl.
Whoops! - What did you do? - What could I do? I wept! Whoops! (BOTH GIGGLING) Can't stay off the Vimto, eh? One of the better Beaujolais, clearly wasted on you.
- Mm.
- Mm Oh! I still smell of chips.
What did you think of them, by the way? - The chips? - Mm.
- All right, I suppose.
- All right?! (AMERICAN ACCENT) They're probably the finest chips in all East Anglia.
I'm not sure it's such a good idea, letting you in after sunset.
(RUNNING WATER) Crease like a knife-edge by dawn.
How do you like it? Don't make it too hot.
Oh I wouldn't dream of it.
Makes my hair go frizzy.
- Now bath salts or gel? - No shampoo? Oh, yes, yes, there's shampoo.
Shove 'em all in.
- All of them? - Live dangerously.
(NOISY COWBOY FILM ON TV) (GUNFIGHT ON TV) Joanna? Joanna! (SHOUTING) Joanna! Ooh! Ah! Oh! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! "Goodbye," said Peter to Wendy and he rose in the air," "and the shameless Jane rose with him.
" "It was already her easiest way of moving about.
" "Wendy rushed to the window.
No, no!, she cried.
" "It is just for spring cleaning time," Jane said.
"He wants me always to do his spring cleaning.
" - "If only I could go with you" - "Wendy sighed.
" (CHARLOTTE SIGHS) How was that? Fab! The perfect end to the perfect day.
(PHONE RINGS) Yes? - JIM ON PHONE: Charlotte? - Speaking.
It's me, Jim, Jim Leonard.
(WHISPERING) Jim.
I-I'm in trouble, mega trouble.
I need help.
I'm sorry, but I just couldn't think of anyone else.
What sort of trouble? - It's hard to explain.
- Try.
- I'm at the Blue Boar Hotel.
- Oh, the Blue Boar.
- (LOVEJOY WHISPERING) Told you.
- How pleasant.
I don't see why he couldn't just ring reception.
And admit he's been conned? No wallet, no money, no plastic - I love it.
Good evening.
37, please.
- There we go.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
Oh, Charlotte! Oh, there'll be a place in heaven for you.
Not yet, I hope.
Oh, Jim Leonard - street cred in tatters, mugged by some chit of a girl.
Oh, I'm sorry, I've lost my sense of humour along with everything else.
You see? She even nicked my trousers! Sorry, Jim.
Nothing over a 32 in my wardrobe.
Shut up! Oh, yeah.
She was playing Wendy to my Peter Pan when you called.
What? Well, at least, you've still got the sword.
Oh! Nothing to worry about.
- Haven't you, Jim? - Locked in the boot of the car.
Safe as houses.
- She stole the car! I don't believe it! - Neither do I.
Dinner plus wine, champagne and liqueurs is £110.
- Appetite's holding up.
- What the hell am I supposed to do? Overnight for the room is £85 plus two bottles of Dom Perignon.
- Two bottles? I only had one bottle - So, service and VAT included Samurai sword! £362.
- JIM: Three hundred and what?! - £62.
£362 on that bimbo! It's a rip-off! - RECEPTIONIST: Is he taking the towel? - CHARLOTTE: Oh, I think he should.
That'll be another £25.
£25?! For a towel?! You can keep it! Yes, Access, Visa and Diners.
I, um, I can't claim for the cash, can I? Yeah, about, um Oh, 300? Oh.
Thanks.
- Show me again.
- You've only just looked.
Show me.
- Well, what do you think? - It's her! - Yeah? - Mm! What about the nose? It's much, much, much better.
- And the chin? - (CAR HORN PEEPS) They've found the Bentley.
- JIM: Game, set and - LOVEJOY: Samurai sword.
- At least she left you the keys.
- But not the wallet.
Jim, I thought you said you didn't I was in the bathroom.
I'd like to break her bloody neck! - Who are you calling? - Lily Law.
What else can I do? Jim, shall we think about this? - Lovejoy, I've been robbed.
- No, Jim, don't.
Trust me.
Of course I trust you, Lovejoy.
All you'll succeed in by doing this is filling up some plod's pending tray Lovejoy, I want her caught.
I want her hung, drawn and quartered - Jim, you don't and I want to watch.
- You don't even know her name.
- I know her initials.
JW, tattooed on her purse.
Which she'd probably just nicked.
Let me find her.
You? Why? Friendship.
Really? Really.
Well, plus a little Hm, all right.
- I'll give you till Friday.
- Ah.
Friday, yeah.
Why not? Got a nice ring to it, Friday.
Lovejoy! Perhaps she had nothing to do with the sword.
She took it out of the boot.
Yeah, only because it was there.
I mean, it could've been anything - a plaque, painting, silver, anything.
No, I saw her at the auction.
Right? She watched him buy the sword, she followed him, - She pulled him.
- I pulled her! Jim, excuse me, I saw her at the auction.
She's not more than 25.
What are you getting at? Nothing, maestro, except you don't look like Gregory Peck any more.
- Nor does Gregory Peck.
- Who's Gregory Peck? - Oh, please don't.
- LOVEJOY: She's got the sword.
Right? Now, assuming that she isn't a collector Well, of course she's not! Collectors don't shut clients in bathrooms.
- What's she gonna do with it? - Sell it again.
How? - JIM: Another auction? - She wouldn't dare.
- Well, how does she sell it? - Privately.
That's right - we advertise! "Oriental artefacts for sale - top prices paid for samurai swords.
" LOVEJOY: You've got it, Tink! Come on, Beth, get on to Sally at the paper.
Tinker, the search continues.
Come on, you can take that with you.
I'm gonna sit here and think.
It's what you're good at, Butch.
No, Charlotte.
No, that's all he said.
Huh? No, nothing about a fine furniture auction.
I'd take a very tough line with Lovejoy if I were you, Charlotte.
Hm? Oh, working my socks off! Watch it! I'm not an eloquent man, Lovejoy.
I think I know what you're going to say, though.
No, you don't.
My foot is radiating waves of pain.
HARRY: He hates pain.
My feeling about pain is, it's better to give than receive.
That's very charitable of you, Frank.
How did you do that? That's my business, toerag.
Pardon me if I close my eyes - it helps me to see.
You're a smart man, Lovejoy.
No formal qualifications, you understand.
A smart man like you would have some information for me by now.
This is a tricky one, Frank.
I love that sword.
It's like a daughter to me.
Frank loves his daughter.
FRANK: You wouldn't be keeping any information to yourself, now, would you? I should hate that, Lovejoy.
That would really upset me.
Frank doesn't like to be upset.
Clock's still ticking, Lovejoy.
Midnight tomorrow.
(PHONE RINGS) Yeah? Lovejoy, where the hell are you?! LOVEJOY: You know where I am - you're calling me here.
Is there any point in believing any of your promises? Charlotte, have I missed something here? Oh, the fine furniture preview! Half the furniture's still unpriced.
I've been waiting for you all morning.
LOVEJOY: I'm sorry, Charlotte, I've had a lot on my mind.
I suppose you'd better know something's just come up on the computer.
Really? Tell me.
CHARLOTTE: Now, promise me you'll come straight over.
Yeah.
I promise, Charlotte.
Scout's honour - later, OK? Just tell me.
Were you ever a Scout?! I can't see it somehow.
Charlotte, I've got a deadline - literally! Well, if you're going to take that tone Charlotte! Jack's stall, the antique market, Long Melford.
Wrong sword.
Wrong century.
Cheddar, not Camembert.
Sorry.
Samurai sword.
Oh, that it is.
Not your fault, Jack.
It's in good nick.
Acquired in Singapore, '45.
Faultless provenance.
Just not the one I'm looking for.
Got a nice pair of Mortimer pistols just come in - Nah.
- How did you know I'd got it? - I was going to give you a ring.
- Charlotte picked it up - on her computer network.
That's funny.
I've not told them about it yet.
(PHONE RINGS) Lovejoy! Telephone.
- Who is it? - Wouldn't say.
Lovejoy.
WOMAN ON PHONE: You want to buy a samurai sword? Not just a sword.
It's got to be a special one.
Mine is special.
- LOVEJOY: What date? - What date did you have in mind? Snap! I'll be back as soon as I can.
As soon as I get the sword.
I've got to get it to Whymark by midnight.
Charlotte, I promised, didn't I? I'll call you later! (HE SLAMS PHONE DOWN) Joanna.
You can call me Jo.
Lovejoy.
You're early.
Early bird gets samurai sword.
Where is it, by the way? Whoa! Slow down.
There's not such a rush.
Um, forgive me, but I'm a little obsessional at the moment.
- You do have it, don't you? - Course I do.
Now you take a look at that and choose us a nice dinner.
You, er specialise in militaria? Bit of an all-rounder, actually.
I bat, bowl A safe pair of hands.
Mm Good, strong life line.
Might peter out at midnight.
Gives us a few hours to play, then, doesn't it? - That it? - That's it.
- Beautiful, isn't it? - Isn't it? It cost a samurai a year's wages to pay for his blade.
Shall we discuss terms? You're in such a rush! Fun first business later.
Now I'll run a bath.
A nice warm bath.
It's a good place to negotiate.
(RUNNING WATER) Do you want the taps or the Stretford end? - Lovejoy! - What? You can do better than that.
Now, you're not taking any clothes off and neither am I.
- Am I not your type? - Oh, yes, you're very much my type.
Trouble is, I've got one like you at home.
One what? A daughter.
JW - Joanna Whymark.
What? Remember, I'm a divvy - I suss things out.
Magic! - You looked in my handbag? - Mm-hm.
So, what do you take in your tea? I'm into wine.
Ah.
Nothing like a good cup of tea.
(ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS) LOVEJOY ON MACHINE: Lovejoy, 10pm.
I'm at the Blue Boar.
Just going upstairs to room I'll check with you later.
Dib dib! (BEEPING) So this row, tell me what it was about.
Hairs in the sink? Boyfriend with spots? Now you're talking like my father.
Go on.
He makes promises and he breaks them.
Sounds like a lot of dads.
It was important, Lovejoy.
Sorry.
Go on.
He promised me a contribution to Greenpeace.
Greenpeace?! Doesn't sound like the Frank Whymark I know.
£20,000.
I was really proud of him.
I thought he really cared about the environment.
Then this stupid bloody sword came along.
It's a work of art, Jo.
Yeah, well, I hate it.
And I hate him.
So? So, the twenty grand he promised Greenpeace to buy an old trawler, he spent on this! I mean, a sword, Lovejoy! Of all the male, macho, stupid things! He's a collector - these things happen.
Yeah, well, I sold the Porsche he gave me.
Serve him right.
Gave the money to Greenpeace.
Oh.
The Mini being more environmentally friendly, is that it? Yes! It is, isn't it? Well Anyway, you nicked the sword to raise money for Greenpeace as well, is that it? Well, actually, no.
I just wanted to hurt him like he hurt me.
I knew he'd come after the sword.
Or send someone after it.
I just wanted to make a monkey out of him too.
You did.
No, I didn't.
Someone called Jim Leonard bought the sword.
I know my dad didn't know anything about him, so I had to make sure you came after it.
I wanted to show him how clever I was, how grown-up I was.
How he couldn't treat me like a child any more.
And now? I just wanna go home.
Ah, good evening, madam.
Nice to see you again.
Yes, isn't it just? Er, room 37, please.
Oh.
Thank you.
(DOORBELL RINGS INSISTENTLY) Shh! Lovejoy where are you? Bulk licences for regular exporters.
If they do, they have to go to an "expert advisor" - quote, unquote.
(FRANK CHUCKLES) OK, Giorgio.
Any problems, you know where to find me.
- It's midnight, Lovejoy.
- Only in this time zone, Frank.
- Pacific time - Where's my sword? I haven't got it.
You disappoint me, Lovejoy.
I hate people who disappoint me - it makes me very upset.
You only gave me three days, Frank.
Pretty impossible task in three - God made the world in six days.
- And look at it! - Sorry, Frank - You're a waste of space, Lovejoy.
I want Harry to show you something.
It's all right, Dad.
You don't need to do that.
- Hello, stranger! - Hi, Dad.
So how was Israel? Italy.
Italy was fine.
My daughter.
I brought you something.
Oh, that's kind of you.
Sorry, I didn't have any wrapping paper.
Where the hell did you get this?! Uncle Harry told me you'd lost it, so I used a few contacts.
See, Lovejoy? Toerag like you couldn't find it, but my daughter, slip of a thing, barely out of school Dad! Look at that! Isn't that a sight for sore eyes? The sword is often passed down from generation to generation.
Shut up, toerag.
I know that.
Exquisite craftsmanship! You know, I'm gonna make a donation to those long-haired loonies you like so much.
It's all right, Dad.
You already gave them twenty grand.
What? I sold the Porsche.
You what?! How dare you do a thing like that without asking me first? I did.
You weren't listening, as usual.
You two obviously have a lot to talk about No, you wait there, Lovejoy.
I want you to hear this.
I gave you everything.
- Except what I wanted.
- What? Love and respect! You never respected me, Dad.
I don't even know if you love me.
I've always loved you.
Yeah, well, you never told me that.
- Course I did.
- Never! Women have a funny way of remembering these things, Frank.
I've got a daughter.
Bet she treats you better than this.
No, she doesn't.
If she did, I probably wouldn't deserve it.
What are you talking about?! You know I love you.
How? How do I know? Because I'm telling you, you stupid girl! Sorry, Joanna.
I do love you, you know.
Yeah, I know, Dad.
I'm sorry.
Jo told me what you did.
Oh.
Very kind, Harry.
(EXHALES) - Let's not fight again.
- We won't.
We won't need to.
- You'll treat me as a grown-up now.
- Course I am! It was me, Dad.
What? It was me that stole the sword.
- You?! - Yep.
I stole it, I nicked it, I sold it.
You you you stole my sword?! Any news? We got the card table.
I knew a bloke who was born under a card table.
His mother was a compulsive gambler who'd drawn a royal flush and didn't want to leave the game.
Any news about Lovejoy? (CAR HORN PEEPS) (PEEPS AGAIN) Ohhh What's happening here? Hey? Nothing to do? No work to do? Mwah! Oh, that's really sweet, Beth.
You're obviously the only one who cares.
We were very worried about you, Lovejoy.
Yeah, you look like it, Tink! Lovejoy, I do think it's the height of selfishness to go off like that and not tell anybody what was happening.
You're absolutely right.
I'm sorry, Charlotte.
- Um did I just hear an apology? - You certainly did.
Beth, Tink - I'm sorry.
I'll tell you about it later.
OK, chop chop! We've got an auction happening here, haven't we? You've got to sell that table of mine.
There's also someone I want you to meet.
- Who? - My daughter.
Lovejoy! How are you? - Jim, I'm fine.
- I had no idea.
Charlotte told me.
- Oh, I've been so worried.
- About your money? No, no, no.
About you.
Well, you needn't worry any more.
I found out about the sword.
- It'd been stolen.
- No! Yes.
But I managed to get your wallet back.
Fiver's still in it.
- Oh, thank God for that.
- Plus a hundred quid.
- A hundred quid?! - There were lots of palms to grease.
There was the auctioneer's expenses, my commission and your contribution to Greenpeace.
Greenpeace? (MOUTHS)
Where are you taking it? - The playroom.
- No.
Jim Leonard, my old coach.
He's forgotten more scams than I'll ever learn.
He's rented a house here for a while.
We're helping him furnish it.
You must remember Jim - last time I left with egg all over my face.
Oh, it's a Collinson's.
Collinson's of Liverpool.
I had one.
The exact twin.
Oh, Marmalade! The places he took me! Epsom Downs, Sherwood Forest, Balaklava - He's got woodworm.
- So will you have, my precious, when you're that age.
Whatever you paid for it, Lovejoy, plus 10%.
Done.
What do you want a rocking horse for, Mr Leonard? Nostalgia! Memories of long, hot summers, the taste of Nanny Brown's bread and butter pud, Poohsticks under Cuckoo Bridge, the smell of newly-mown hay.
Shall we shove it up your bedroom? Please.
A good morning's graft.
I feel a cocktail coming on.
- You and your gang care for one? - Certainly, James.
"Revenge is a dish best served cold.
" Hello! - Mr Lovejoy? - Just Lovejoy.
Don't bother going in there - you're comin' with me.
- Where to? - To see my brother.
Well, tell your brother I'm helping a friend - with an auction of fine furniture.
- He's generous, he'll pay.
I'll look in my diary.
Maybe next week, eh? There's just no convincing you, is there? No, there isn't.
I'm busy.
I'll see you later.
MAN: You hit him too hard, Harry.
Easy! I said wake him, not kill him.
Sorry, Frank.
Lovejoy? You've met my baby brother, I think.
Harry Whymark.
Southeast Counties Heavyweight Champion, 1978.
Hi, Harry.
Frank Whymark.
- Ah, Frank.
- Maybe you've heard the name.
Wymark? - Whymark, with an "h".
- Yeah, maybe I've heard the name.
Lot of nasty things been said about me.
A lot of them are true.
Well, if you want an evaluation It's urgent.
I'm on the phone.
Couldn't wait.
Sorry.
What? It's a nice piece of furniture.
Even nicer when it was full.
Yeah.
That should be a wakizashi - not only for fighting but for the ritual suicide.
Seppuku.
Disembowelling.
Bleurgh! Please, Mr Whymark, I'm still a little fragile, OK? Made in 1762.
The blade was a soft iron core with layer upon layer of superb steel.
Incredible craftsmanship.
He doesn't think? You don't think that I had? No, no.
Course not.
But it was stolen, and I want it back.
I want you to look for it and I want you to find it.
Now, with respect, Frank, that could be anywhere.
Not my problem, Lovejoy.
Why don't you go to the police, hm? - Tell 'em you nicked it.
- (FRANK MOUTHS) (HE CHUCKLES) Shall I hit 'im again, Frank? In my experience, people only call the police when they don't expect things to be returned.
I do.
You've done time, Lovejoy.
Press your tutored ear to a few walls.
Nothing's so habit-forming as money.
A small advance.
Two grand? "Offer a man a bribe - if he refuses, offer him a bullet.
" Al Capone, 1928.
(LAUGHING) - I'll need a photo and a description.
- In the envelope.
Shall we say Friday, before midnight? Friday might be difficult.
I'm a difficult man! Where is he? I've been ringing all morning! Who, Lovejoy? No, the Archduke Franz Ferdinand! What, this his furniture, then? - Most of it! - We thought he was here.
He's supposed to be! This whole auction was his idea! - Is there anything we can do? - Yes.
Move.
Lovejoy, we've just been over to Charlotte's - Yeah, well done.
- With your French cabinet? - Yeah? Fabulous.
- The tortoiseshell and Terrific.
I want you to paper the county with these, Tink.
- Samurai sword? - That's right.
- Who? - Anybody and everybody.
Shopkeepers, punters, collectors You don't get too many samurai swords to the pound these days.
- No.
- Been over to Charlotte's yet? - Why? - The auction! - Your auction.
- "Fine furniture, etc.
" She was steamed up good and proper, she was.
Yeah, well, she doesn't have a Southeast Counties Heavyweight Boxing Champion working for her, does she? This comes first - deadline Friday.
What do we call it? Er, joint stool - late Or coffin stool.
"Joint" because of the mortise and tenon joints.
And "coffin" because you get two or three of these side by side in church and put a coffin on 'em.
- Lovejoy.
- Charlotte.
"Conspicuous by his absence" - I think that's the phrase I was looking for.
- There is a reason - There always is.
Slap a reserve on it, Bill.
Just 1,200 - it's not exactly fine furniture.
Clocks went forward in March, Lovejoy! I'm really under the cosh, Charlotte.
Really under.
So who's wielding this cosh? Someone who wants me to find something for them.
And what is the something? A samurai sword.
Mm! Bet that spilt some blood in its day.
Its day might not be over.
It might only be Group A rhesus positive, but it's all I've got.
Oh, I see.
You want me to make a computer search.
- What a marvellous idea! - It's more than you deserve.
I'll be eternally grateful, Charlotte.
Of course you will, Lovejoy.
I'm going to make you a deal.
As well as the computer search, I'm going to call in a few favours from some of my private contacts in exchange for you checking all this furniture now.
Done.
You know, Lovejoy, all you had to do was ask.
Mm.
Mm.
Course, you'd rather con someone into helping you, wouldn't you? Any day.
Just remember this is urgent, please.
Jack, seen anything like this about? Don't get much call for this in Suffolk.
Shame, really.
- Beautiful piece of work.
- Put the word out, will you? - Lovejoy needs it by yesterday.
- Yesterday? Well, Friday.
Well, yes, it is rather.
- (BEEPING) - If you could, Archie.
I'll have it faxed to you immediately.
Mm? Oh, the Hunt Ball! Yes, of course.
I'd love to.
Thanks.
Bye! Another blank and a promise to dance with Prince Halitosis at the Hunt Ball.
- You're all heart, you know, Charlotte.
- I don't know why I even bother.
No? Well, it's not as if we're that close these days.
How's this computer search going? (BEEPING) Look, Lovejoy, I've still got this auction to organise.
- I wouldn't mind if I only felt - You're doing a marvellous job.
Is it just you or do you think all men are irredeemably self-centred and myopic? Is that a trick question and can we start with an easier one? (BEEPING) Hello! How are you? Have you seen one of these on your travels recently? You're the second bloke today to come asking for this.
- Really? - I told him, I told Tinker - very rare.
Not much chance in this part of the world.
So, um, it-it's quite valuable? It is to Lovejoy.
Really? Do you remember where you were, Tinker, when Kennedy died? My dear Beth, I don't remember where I was last Wednesday.
It was nineteen hundred and sixty-three.
The Swinging '60s.
Hm! Disappeared into a blur.
Do you know what they say about the '60s, Beth? If you can remember them, you weren't there.
With me, the same applies to the '70s, the '80s and half the '90s Tink! Large G and T.
- After you tell me.
- Scatty Herbert.
- Yeah, I know Scatty Herbert.
- Sheffield plate, domestic silver - And pig ignorant.
and militaria.
- Yeah.
- Many's the NAAFI bun that Scatty Tink, please.
Come on, hm? Auction, antique samurai sword, Bury, Wednesday, pm.
- What do you say to that? - Large gin and tonic.
- LOVEJOY: Anything else? - TINKER: Yes - your old mate, Jim Leonard.
Jim! You didn't say you were coming here.
Neither did you, dear boy.
Charlotte Cavendish - Jim Leonard.
- Oh, I don't believe it! - Hello! Oh, you know each other, do you? (AMERICAN ACCENT) Mm.
Pastrami on rye, hold the mustard.
What a memory! We first met in a New York deli.
Where was your pad? Between Lexington and 3rd Street.
East 37th.
On my American stint.
Excuse me, guys, I have to meet a man about a pair of Satsumas.
Meet up later, Charlotte.
Mmm! Chin-chin! Never said you knew Jim Leonard.
I never realised you knew him.
- Sure? - Positive.
The reserve is 7,000.
Have you got the money? Don't need it.
- It is beautiful.
- Mm.
Why wait? Just tell them it's stolen.
They'll have to withdraw it.
Why spoil the fun? - All right, Jim? - Yeah, fine, Lovejoy.
AUCTIONEER: Now, ladies and gentlemen, lot 29.
An antique Japanese sword.
A samurai sword.
Date on the blade - 1762.
Shall we start at £5,000? Has rigor mortis set in, ladies and gentlemen? An antique samurai sword, over 200 years old Now, please? Thank you, sir.
6,000? Thank you, sir.
Eight? Nine? It's with you, sir.
Thank you.
Ten? Any more - for ritual disembowelling? - (CROWD GROANS) A new bidder.
11,000? It's with you, sir, with you at ten for the first time.
Another new bidder.
£11,000.
Thank you, sir.
Shame to lose it, sir.
With the gentleman at the back at £15,000.
With the gentleman at the back at £15,000 For the first time Twice.
Twice Sold for £15,000.
- You've lost it, Lovejoy.
- Mm.
What's going on? Don't you just love being in control, hm? What? Hm? - Thanks very much.
- Bye-bye.
- Thank you.
- You beat me to it, Jim.
- Lovejoy, would you mind holding it? - Mm.
Thank you.
I I'm sorry about that.
No hard feelings? Not at all.
It's beautiful, isn't it? I just didn't realise that you were into Asian arts and crafts.
Well, never let the left hand know hm? You must have spent all morning boning up on it, eh? - I've got this contact in Hong Kong.
- Really? The Japanese believe that artefacts which originate in Japan - should return there.
- That's fascinating.
You think you'll double your money, do you? Oh, at least! - Probably treble it.
- Really? Mm, oh, yes.
- Excuse me.
- Yes, of course.
Maybe even quadruple it.
Well, it certainly beats working for a living.
Yeah.
Always said you were a good loser.
Mind you, you've had lots of practice.
- Maestro! - Oh, thank you.
Oh, Charlotte, I was thinking of popping to the pub for a bottle of bubbly.
- Would you like to join me? - We'd love to, wouldn't we, Charlotte? Mm! Are you going to tell him it's stolen? Later.
Later.
It's the Bentley.
Oh, Charlotte, Lovejoy.
What can I say? All ready for a convivial evening, I had a call on the mobile.
Hong Kong buyer's in town for 24 hours.
I knew you'd both understand.
We must must do this again soon.
Longer, of course.
Ciao! Lovejoy, if he sells to that Hong Kong buyer, you're in real trouble.
I think I know who that "Hong Kong buyer" is.
How did you know? Cos I saw her at the auction.
And when are you going to tell Jim his sword's stolen? Well, give him half an hour to drive to the Blue Boar, aperitif, dinner, brandy afterwards Let him wind up the gramophone.
About half past ten.
How do you know he's taken her to the Blue Boar? Cos that's where I'd have taken her.
(BOTH GIGGLING) Ah, look after the Bentley for me, would you? (BOTH GIGGLING) - Anything you care to recommend? - Cod's always good.
And the plaice.
Tinker swears by the haddock, though.
You said you were taking me out to dinner, Lovejoy.
Yeah, I am.
Move up a bit.
To a wonderful fish restaurant, you said! - Are you saying I lied to you? - This isn't quite what I had in mind.
Don't tell me you want rock salmon! No, grilled salmon is what I was thinking of.
Rainbow trout with almonds, red snapper No, no, no.
You see, you can't eat mushy peas and pickled onions with that.
Spoils the flavour.
(GENTLE CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS) He'd win a gold medal, that man.
World-class groveller.
I've always been a fan of Dom Perignon.
Like me, they don't do things by halves.
Oh! I was 40 before I knew that.
Salut, Joanna.
- The name's Jo.
- Jo.
What did we decide about the oysters, hmm? Mmm.
Cod and chips, mushy peas and pickled onions twice, please.
Got to live a little, haven't you, Charlotte, eh? What would you like to drink? Well, I'll leave that to you, Lovejoy, you're obviously the expert.
Well, I can recommend anything in the fridge.
- Got any Vimto? - Vimto?! Excuse me! I think you'll find the queue starts back there.
Clock's still ticking, Lovejoy.
And Frank's foot's starting to hurt him again.
Oh, everything's under control, Harry.
Another cod and chips, please.
- Was that your client? - Mm-hm.
Have one of these.
Ooh! Ooh, lovely! Mm! Even has a view! So, it's only a car park.
And an electric trouser press.
How many people do you imagine use that? Oh, I do whenever I'm in a hotel.
TV, trouser press, hairdryer, shoe polisher.
Oh, I use all the toys.
Ooh! Rrr! - That's better.
- I'll just give these a rinse.
Yes, quite.
You know, the pressure inside one of these is six kilos per square centimetre.
- I'll bet you didn't know that.
- I did not.
Approximately the same as a bus tyre.
You're a fund of knowledge, aren't you? Mm.
I took one of these once, a vintage '65, to a Christmas party.
My host poured it into the punchbowl.
Whoops! - What did you do? - What could I do? I wept! Whoops! (BOTH GIGGLING) Can't stay off the Vimto, eh? One of the better Beaujolais, clearly wasted on you.
- Mm.
- Mm Oh! I still smell of chips.
What did you think of them, by the way? - The chips? - Mm.
- All right, I suppose.
- All right?! (AMERICAN ACCENT) They're probably the finest chips in all East Anglia.
I'm not sure it's such a good idea, letting you in after sunset.
(RUNNING WATER) Crease like a knife-edge by dawn.
How do you like it? Don't make it too hot.
Oh I wouldn't dream of it.
Makes my hair go frizzy.
- Now bath salts or gel? - No shampoo? Oh, yes, yes, there's shampoo.
Shove 'em all in.
- All of them? - Live dangerously.
(NOISY COWBOY FILM ON TV) (GUNFIGHT ON TV) Joanna? Joanna! (SHOUTING) Joanna! Ooh! Ah! Oh! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! "Goodbye," said Peter to Wendy and he rose in the air," "and the shameless Jane rose with him.
" "It was already her easiest way of moving about.
" "Wendy rushed to the window.
No, no!, she cried.
" "It is just for spring cleaning time," Jane said.
"He wants me always to do his spring cleaning.
" - "If only I could go with you" - "Wendy sighed.
" (CHARLOTTE SIGHS) How was that? Fab! The perfect end to the perfect day.
(PHONE RINGS) Yes? - JIM ON PHONE: Charlotte? - Speaking.
It's me, Jim, Jim Leonard.
(WHISPERING) Jim.
I-I'm in trouble, mega trouble.
I need help.
I'm sorry, but I just couldn't think of anyone else.
What sort of trouble? - It's hard to explain.
- Try.
- I'm at the Blue Boar Hotel.
- Oh, the Blue Boar.
- (LOVEJOY WHISPERING) Told you.
- How pleasant.
I don't see why he couldn't just ring reception.
And admit he's been conned? No wallet, no money, no plastic - I love it.
Good evening.
37, please.
- There we go.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
Oh, Charlotte! Oh, there'll be a place in heaven for you.
Not yet, I hope.
Oh, Jim Leonard - street cred in tatters, mugged by some chit of a girl.
Oh, I'm sorry, I've lost my sense of humour along with everything else.
You see? She even nicked my trousers! Sorry, Jim.
Nothing over a 32 in my wardrobe.
Shut up! Oh, yeah.
She was playing Wendy to my Peter Pan when you called.
What? Well, at least, you've still got the sword.
Oh! Nothing to worry about.
- Haven't you, Jim? - Locked in the boot of the car.
Safe as houses.
- She stole the car! I don't believe it! - Neither do I.
Dinner plus wine, champagne and liqueurs is £110.
- Appetite's holding up.
- What the hell am I supposed to do? Overnight for the room is £85 plus two bottles of Dom Perignon.
- Two bottles? I only had one bottle - So, service and VAT included Samurai sword! £362.
- JIM: Three hundred and what?! - £62.
£362 on that bimbo! It's a rip-off! - RECEPTIONIST: Is he taking the towel? - CHARLOTTE: Oh, I think he should.
That'll be another £25.
£25?! For a towel?! You can keep it! Yes, Access, Visa and Diners.
I, um, I can't claim for the cash, can I? Yeah, about, um Oh, 300? Oh.
Thanks.
- Show me again.
- You've only just looked.
Show me.
- Well, what do you think? - It's her! - Yeah? - Mm! What about the nose? It's much, much, much better.
- And the chin? - (CAR HORN PEEPS) They've found the Bentley.
- JIM: Game, set and - LOVEJOY: Samurai sword.
- At least she left you the keys.
- But not the wallet.
Jim, I thought you said you didn't I was in the bathroom.
I'd like to break her bloody neck! - Who are you calling? - Lily Law.
What else can I do? Jim, shall we think about this? - Lovejoy, I've been robbed.
- No, Jim, don't.
Trust me.
Of course I trust you, Lovejoy.
All you'll succeed in by doing this is filling up some plod's pending tray Lovejoy, I want her caught.
I want her hung, drawn and quartered - Jim, you don't and I want to watch.
- You don't even know her name.
- I know her initials.
JW, tattooed on her purse.
Which she'd probably just nicked.
Let me find her.
You? Why? Friendship.
Really? Really.
Well, plus a little Hm, all right.
- I'll give you till Friday.
- Ah.
Friday, yeah.
Why not? Got a nice ring to it, Friday.
Lovejoy! Perhaps she had nothing to do with the sword.
She took it out of the boot.
Yeah, only because it was there.
I mean, it could've been anything - a plaque, painting, silver, anything.
No, I saw her at the auction.
Right? She watched him buy the sword, she followed him, - She pulled him.
- I pulled her! Jim, excuse me, I saw her at the auction.
She's not more than 25.
What are you getting at? Nothing, maestro, except you don't look like Gregory Peck any more.
- Nor does Gregory Peck.
- Who's Gregory Peck? - Oh, please don't.
- LOVEJOY: She's got the sword.
Right? Now, assuming that she isn't a collector Well, of course she's not! Collectors don't shut clients in bathrooms.
- What's she gonna do with it? - Sell it again.
How? - JIM: Another auction? - She wouldn't dare.
- Well, how does she sell it? - Privately.
That's right - we advertise! "Oriental artefacts for sale - top prices paid for samurai swords.
" LOVEJOY: You've got it, Tink! Come on, Beth, get on to Sally at the paper.
Tinker, the search continues.
Come on, you can take that with you.
I'm gonna sit here and think.
It's what you're good at, Butch.
No, Charlotte.
No, that's all he said.
Huh? No, nothing about a fine furniture auction.
I'd take a very tough line with Lovejoy if I were you, Charlotte.
Hm? Oh, working my socks off! Watch it! I'm not an eloquent man, Lovejoy.
I think I know what you're going to say, though.
No, you don't.
My foot is radiating waves of pain.
HARRY: He hates pain.
My feeling about pain is, it's better to give than receive.
That's very charitable of you, Frank.
How did you do that? That's my business, toerag.
Pardon me if I close my eyes - it helps me to see.
You're a smart man, Lovejoy.
No formal qualifications, you understand.
A smart man like you would have some information for me by now.
This is a tricky one, Frank.
I love that sword.
It's like a daughter to me.
Frank loves his daughter.
FRANK: You wouldn't be keeping any information to yourself, now, would you? I should hate that, Lovejoy.
That would really upset me.
Frank doesn't like to be upset.
Clock's still ticking, Lovejoy.
Midnight tomorrow.
(PHONE RINGS) Yeah? Lovejoy, where the hell are you?! LOVEJOY: You know where I am - you're calling me here.
Is there any point in believing any of your promises? Charlotte, have I missed something here? Oh, the fine furniture preview! Half the furniture's still unpriced.
I've been waiting for you all morning.
LOVEJOY: I'm sorry, Charlotte, I've had a lot on my mind.
I suppose you'd better know something's just come up on the computer.
Really? Tell me.
CHARLOTTE: Now, promise me you'll come straight over.
Yeah.
I promise, Charlotte.
Scout's honour - later, OK? Just tell me.
Were you ever a Scout?! I can't see it somehow.
Charlotte, I've got a deadline - literally! Well, if you're going to take that tone Charlotte! Jack's stall, the antique market, Long Melford.
Wrong sword.
Wrong century.
Cheddar, not Camembert.
Sorry.
Samurai sword.
Oh, that it is.
Not your fault, Jack.
It's in good nick.
Acquired in Singapore, '45.
Faultless provenance.
Just not the one I'm looking for.
Got a nice pair of Mortimer pistols just come in - Nah.
- How did you know I'd got it? - I was going to give you a ring.
- Charlotte picked it up - on her computer network.
That's funny.
I've not told them about it yet.
(PHONE RINGS) Lovejoy! Telephone.
- Who is it? - Wouldn't say.
Lovejoy.
WOMAN ON PHONE: You want to buy a samurai sword? Not just a sword.
It's got to be a special one.
Mine is special.
- LOVEJOY: What date? - What date did you have in mind? Snap! I'll be back as soon as I can.
As soon as I get the sword.
I've got to get it to Whymark by midnight.
Charlotte, I promised, didn't I? I'll call you later! (HE SLAMS PHONE DOWN) Joanna.
You can call me Jo.
Lovejoy.
You're early.
Early bird gets samurai sword.
Where is it, by the way? Whoa! Slow down.
There's not such a rush.
Um, forgive me, but I'm a little obsessional at the moment.
- You do have it, don't you? - Course I do.
Now you take a look at that and choose us a nice dinner.
You, er specialise in militaria? Bit of an all-rounder, actually.
I bat, bowl A safe pair of hands.
Mm Good, strong life line.
Might peter out at midnight.
Gives us a few hours to play, then, doesn't it? - That it? - That's it.
- Beautiful, isn't it? - Isn't it? It cost a samurai a year's wages to pay for his blade.
Shall we discuss terms? You're in such a rush! Fun first business later.
Now I'll run a bath.
A nice warm bath.
It's a good place to negotiate.
(RUNNING WATER) Do you want the taps or the Stretford end? - Lovejoy! - What? You can do better than that.
Now, you're not taking any clothes off and neither am I.
- Am I not your type? - Oh, yes, you're very much my type.
Trouble is, I've got one like you at home.
One what? A daughter.
JW - Joanna Whymark.
What? Remember, I'm a divvy - I suss things out.
Magic! - You looked in my handbag? - Mm-hm.
So, what do you take in your tea? I'm into wine.
Ah.
Nothing like a good cup of tea.
(ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS) LOVEJOY ON MACHINE: Lovejoy, 10pm.
I'm at the Blue Boar.
Just going upstairs to room I'll check with you later.
Dib dib! (BEEPING) So this row, tell me what it was about.
Hairs in the sink? Boyfriend with spots? Now you're talking like my father.
Go on.
He makes promises and he breaks them.
Sounds like a lot of dads.
It was important, Lovejoy.
Sorry.
Go on.
He promised me a contribution to Greenpeace.
Greenpeace?! Doesn't sound like the Frank Whymark I know.
£20,000.
I was really proud of him.
I thought he really cared about the environment.
Then this stupid bloody sword came along.
It's a work of art, Jo.
Yeah, well, I hate it.
And I hate him.
So? So, the twenty grand he promised Greenpeace to buy an old trawler, he spent on this! I mean, a sword, Lovejoy! Of all the male, macho, stupid things! He's a collector - these things happen.
Yeah, well, I sold the Porsche he gave me.
Serve him right.
Gave the money to Greenpeace.
Oh.
The Mini being more environmentally friendly, is that it? Yes! It is, isn't it? Well Anyway, you nicked the sword to raise money for Greenpeace as well, is that it? Well, actually, no.
I just wanted to hurt him like he hurt me.
I knew he'd come after the sword.
Or send someone after it.
I just wanted to make a monkey out of him too.
You did.
No, I didn't.
Someone called Jim Leonard bought the sword.
I know my dad didn't know anything about him, so I had to make sure you came after it.
I wanted to show him how clever I was, how grown-up I was.
How he couldn't treat me like a child any more.
And now? I just wanna go home.
Ah, good evening, madam.
Nice to see you again.
Yes, isn't it just? Er, room 37, please.
Oh.
Thank you.
(DOORBELL RINGS INSISTENTLY) Shh! Lovejoy where are you? Bulk licences for regular exporters.
If they do, they have to go to an "expert advisor" - quote, unquote.
(FRANK CHUCKLES) OK, Giorgio.
Any problems, you know where to find me.
- It's midnight, Lovejoy.
- Only in this time zone, Frank.
- Pacific time - Where's my sword? I haven't got it.
You disappoint me, Lovejoy.
I hate people who disappoint me - it makes me very upset.
You only gave me three days, Frank.
Pretty impossible task in three - God made the world in six days.
- And look at it! - Sorry, Frank - You're a waste of space, Lovejoy.
I want Harry to show you something.
It's all right, Dad.
You don't need to do that.
- Hello, stranger! - Hi, Dad.
So how was Israel? Italy.
Italy was fine.
My daughter.
I brought you something.
Oh, that's kind of you.
Sorry, I didn't have any wrapping paper.
Where the hell did you get this?! Uncle Harry told me you'd lost it, so I used a few contacts.
See, Lovejoy? Toerag like you couldn't find it, but my daughter, slip of a thing, barely out of school Dad! Look at that! Isn't that a sight for sore eyes? The sword is often passed down from generation to generation.
Shut up, toerag.
I know that.
Exquisite craftsmanship! You know, I'm gonna make a donation to those long-haired loonies you like so much.
It's all right, Dad.
You already gave them twenty grand.
What? I sold the Porsche.
You what?! How dare you do a thing like that without asking me first? I did.
You weren't listening, as usual.
You two obviously have a lot to talk about No, you wait there, Lovejoy.
I want you to hear this.
I gave you everything.
- Except what I wanted.
- What? Love and respect! You never respected me, Dad.
I don't even know if you love me.
I've always loved you.
Yeah, well, you never told me that.
- Course I did.
- Never! Women have a funny way of remembering these things, Frank.
I've got a daughter.
Bet she treats you better than this.
No, she doesn't.
If she did, I probably wouldn't deserve it.
What are you talking about?! You know I love you.
How? How do I know? Because I'm telling you, you stupid girl! Sorry, Joanna.
I do love you, you know.
Yeah, I know, Dad.
I'm sorry.
Jo told me what you did.
Oh.
Very kind, Harry.
(EXHALES) - Let's not fight again.
- We won't.
We won't need to.
- You'll treat me as a grown-up now.
- Course I am! It was me, Dad.
What? It was me that stole the sword.
- You?! - Yep.
I stole it, I nicked it, I sold it.
You you you stole my sword?! Any news? We got the card table.
I knew a bloke who was born under a card table.
His mother was a compulsive gambler who'd drawn a royal flush and didn't want to leave the game.
Any news about Lovejoy? (CAR HORN PEEPS) (PEEPS AGAIN) Ohhh What's happening here? Hey? Nothing to do? No work to do? Mwah! Oh, that's really sweet, Beth.
You're obviously the only one who cares.
We were very worried about you, Lovejoy.
Yeah, you look like it, Tink! Lovejoy, I do think it's the height of selfishness to go off like that and not tell anybody what was happening.
You're absolutely right.
I'm sorry, Charlotte.
- Um did I just hear an apology? - You certainly did.
Beth, Tink - I'm sorry.
I'll tell you about it later.
OK, chop chop! We've got an auction happening here, haven't we? You've got to sell that table of mine.
There's also someone I want you to meet.
- Who? - My daughter.
Lovejoy! How are you? - Jim, I'm fine.
- I had no idea.
Charlotte told me.
- Oh, I've been so worried.
- About your money? No, no, no.
About you.
Well, you needn't worry any more.
I found out about the sword.
- It'd been stolen.
- No! Yes.
But I managed to get your wallet back.
Fiver's still in it.
- Oh, thank God for that.
- Plus a hundred quid.
- A hundred quid?! - There were lots of palms to grease.
There was the auctioneer's expenses, my commission and your contribution to Greenpeace.
Greenpeace? (MOUTHS)