M*A*S*H (MASH) s06e04 Episode Script

[Man On P.
A.
.]
Attention all personnel.
You're not gonna believe this but there's a new shipment of wounded in the compound.
Please report for triage.
I told you you wouldn't believe it.
I've got multiple compound fractures and severe abdominal trauma.
- This guy better go first.
- I got a sucking chest in the balcony, Doctor.
This guy better go before first.
Whole blood and prep him, stat.
- Get that down tight, will ya? - Yes.
Sidney, what are you doing here? I don't know.
I thought I was getting on the crosstown bus.
Do you give transfers here? How did you get this red stuff all over your head? Well, you might find it hard to believe, but I was doing therapy in a foxhole with that boy.
- We started to get overrun by some of those Chinese fellows.
- Oh, group therapy.
Then to discourage the Chinese, our artillery started lobbing shells into the area.
That discouraged all of us.
- How's my tuchus? - Fine.
Just a little diaper rash.
Get the clothes off these Chinese patients add 'em to the Chinese uniforms we got from our last session and burn 'em.
- They're infested.
- Yes, sir.
Sidney, what happened? Well, it's a long story but it's the last house call I'll ever make.
When I first saw this boy, he had to be carried into my office.
He wasn't wounded.
He'd seen three of his buddies killed in 24 hours.
[Hawkeye.]
Hysterical paralysis.
How'd you get him back to the front? We used to send these cases home.
- The problems just stuck with them all their lives.
- Hmm.
But if the trauma is recent enough and the defenses haven't built up to the point where they'll resist treatment - it'll yield to talking.
- Hmm.
But you gotta get them right back to their unit.
So how come you wound up in the foxhole? Doing a follow-up.
You can't just send them out and forget 'em.
Major Winchester, I'm terribly sorry.
Would you mind stepping outside and scrubbing up? [Chuckling.]
I kind of doubt that'll be necessary, Major.
I just spent seven and a half minutes scrubbing.
- Yes, but that was before you touched your nose.
- I beg your pardon.
Your nose.
You touched your nose.
You're no longer sterile.
If you operate now, you'll contaminate the field.
Of course.
That is precisely what I would do, if in fact I had touched my nose, which I didn't.
Major, I saw you touch your nose! Major, do you think my face is insensate? Don't you think if I had touched my nose, I would have felt it? I just felt something over my lip.
Maybe you touched my nose.
You touch his nose, you'll have to marry him.
Colonel Potter, I clearly saw Major Winchester touch his nose.
You naughty boy.
Colonel, I refuse to spend another seven and a half minutes scrubbing up because of this woman's paranoid hallucinations! She's a pretty good observer, Winchester.
I did not touch my no I did not touch my nose.
You did touch your nose! I saw you touch your nose! It's the battle of the noses, ladies and gentlemen.
Who do you think is ahead? - Well, Winchester was ahead for a while, but he blew it.
- Say, that's disgusting.
How am I expected to operate in here if I must continually leave to wash my hands? - [All.]
Don't touch your nose! - [Charles.]
Idiots.
Careful you don't scald yourself with that coffee, Major.
You have definite problems with depth perception.
Oh, I know what I saw, Major.
A nose is a nose is a nose.
Where are you two kids gonna be eating? I'd like to sit on the other side of Korea.
- Why don't you stuff it? - What are you getting mad at me for? - I didn't touch my nose.
- But you did.
- No, I did not.
- You did.
- You most certainly did! - I did not touch my nose! Excuse me, sir.
Mommy's got dinner ready, but I can't find my daddy.
He's this big hairy man in an undershirt.
Fascinating case, eh, Sidney? What do you make of it? Well, it's either a serious regression to childhood or possibly some kind of borderline schizophrenia.
Regression.
That one.
All of a sudden I feel real small, you know? Maybe I should sit down and tell you about it.
- I'm so glad we're not late for the dinner show.
- Toast of Broadway strikes again.
- I got it.
Smell this.
- Oh, come on.
Don't start with me.
- I know what it smells like.
- I mean it.
I can't eat if you do that.
Just take a sniff.
If you took a raw egg and buried it in a shoe - under a chicken coop - I told you not to do that! How am I gonna eat this stuff? - Am I right? But a brown egg.
A brown egg, right? - Will you shut up? Who gave you permission to steal my personal private property? I'll tell my daddy you did that.
He's got big long hairy arms.
- So's your old man.
- Radar, I need it.
It proves I'm crazy.
- Major Freedman said so.
- It proves you're crazy 'cause you carry a teddy bear, huh? - Will you stop? I'm halfway home.
- How'd you like to get knocked all the way home? - Smell this.
- Will you, for crying out loud, stop making me smell your food? - I can't eat as it is! - You know, you're completely deficient in imagination.
- You're completely deficient.
- Let's have it quiet in here.
- Look what you're doin'! You're hurting him! - I haven't done a thing! Let's calm down.
- Just give it a little try.
Come on.
- No! - If anyone touched my nose, you did! - Huh! I wouldn't touch your nose with a ten-foot pole! - Hello.
Testing.
- [Loud Chattering.]
One, two, three.
[Chattering Continues.]
Sidney, wait up.
I'm kind of glad you're here.
These people are fallin' apart.
- How long they been acting like that? - Couple of weeks.
No rest.
Nothin' but work.
This unit is running as smoothly as a pig on stilts.
It was a little quieter in that foxhole this morning.
Sidney, what would you say to seeing a few of the folk - on an informal basis while you're here? - Sure.
Why not? Use the V.
I.
P.
Tent.
I'll discreetly direct a few of the loonier ones your way.
Just make sure they come in one at a time.
Listen, I'm no head doctor, but I think they need a little diversion.
You know, something to break the routine.
Some square dancing or some Sure! Square dancing.
That's the ticket! - They're kind of exhausted - Look, I'm their commanding officer.
If I say dance, they hoof.
Did you hear what I said? Maybe you better save an hour for me.
Watch out, Major.
We're gonna light a fire here.
So stand back.
Will you hold on? I got another load to put on there.
So put it on.
What do I care? I wanna go to dinner.
- I haven't eaten since reveille.
- What's the fire for? We're burning the Chinese uniforms.
They're infested.
If we had to burn every louse in this camp, we'd have to burn this camp.
Look, I just wanna do my job and go and eat.
- Am I stoppin' you? - You keep passin' remarks back and forth.
Trouble with you is you're too sensitive! - [Knocking.]
- [Sidney.]
Come in.
I hope I'm not disturbing you, Major.
Not at all.
Nice to see you, Major.
Well, I'm here primarily as a favor to Colonel Potter.
Sure.
What's up? I have a problem by the name of Charles Emerson Winchester.
Winchester is your problem? - He's insane.
- Really? He has no grasp of reality.
[Chuckling.]
For instance, uh, just to give you an example It's insignificant really.
He touched his nose in surgery and won't admit it! Is that crazy, or is that crazy? Classic.
How often does he go for his nose? The point is he denies it! He's completely irrational! How do I know what he'll try to touch next? Ah-hah.
What's that supposed to mean? "Ah-hah.
" I know an "Ah-hah" when I hear one.
- You think I'm infatuated with him, don't you? - Is that what I think? Well, let me set your mind at ease, Major.
The only reason he goes for his nose is because it's the only living thing around here that would have him! I don't know.
He seems like a decent person.
Intelligent, a certain amount of wit.
And money.
Let's not forget his money which he's constantly flaunting in front of us with his laundered hankies and his monogrammed caviar.
- I suppose you think I find money attractive.
- I have no idea.
Money is far down on my list, Major.
Money comes second, maybe even third.
Second.
Anyway, the man is totally self-absorbed! What do you think of him? Well, he seems basically normal.
- Uh-huh.
In other words you think he's crazy about me.
- I do? Well, I just wouldn't be too sure about that if I were you.
- [Knocking.]
- Come in.
Uh, if you have any more pain, Major, just take some aspirin.
Oh, thank you, Margaret.
I'll go now.
I'm sure you have some sort of mental problem to discuss.
Now I ask you.
Did I say anything to provoke that? I tell you, Major, that woman is verging on a very serious breakdown.
If I had any confidence at all in psychiatry [Chuckles.]
I would recommend, uh, treatment.
Thank you.
Was there anything else you wanted to talk about? Hardly.
I do not intend to be part of Colonel Potter's psychiatric cattle drive.
I just dropped by to say that I won't be dropping by.
Would dropping by make you uncomfortable? No.
Don't waste your clinical come-on with me, Doctor.
I had my fill of psychiatrists at the age of nine.
And no, I don't care to talk about it.
And no, I don't care to talk about it.
Look, the point is she is the one who is obsessed.
She watches my every movement.
My body seems to be of intense interest to her.
Which I suppose you find, uh, very revealing, right? Hmm.
In other words, the woman's crazy about me.
Huh? Please, don't make me laugh.
I don't know whatever got into me.
Okay, let's light it.
Come on.
Come on.
What are you waitin' for? You know, if we toss this crate on over there it could really be a nice little fire.
Yeah.
Right.
Nice.
Tom, you're gonna be fine.
You'll need a little more surgery down in Seoul, and some therapy, but you're gonna walk.
Well, I don't know if you guys take tips but my dad is the king of the hardware business in Cleveland.
You need a sink or anything, I can get you a dozen.
- King of the hardware business.
Maybe he can get us a throne.
- You name it.
- Why don't you get a little rest? - We'll check you later.
Okay.
If I'm not here, I've just gone dancing.
- Sidney.
- How's the kid? - Oh, you gotta see him.
- He's doing great.
I can't believe he was a basket case a week ago.
He's cheerful.
He's joking.
I don't know how you did it.
The big thing is getting them back to the front as fast as possible.
It really works.
Come on in.
You're in for a real treat.
How ya feelin', Tom? How am I feelin'? You crud! I'll tell you how I'm feelin'.
I feel like I had my damn legs blown off! How do you think I'm feelin'? I'd be back home walkin' around on two good legs if you hadn't sent me back to that ridge.
Tom, you were able to walk back to the ridge because of the work we did together.
Why don't we talk about it for a few minutes? Don't come near me, you butcher! Now, I'm telling you.
You get him outta here, or I am gonna wreck this place.
If you change your mind, I'll be in my tent.
Well, you seem to be getting your strength back.
Anything we can get you A baseball bat? A crowbar? Sorry I raised my voice back there, Doc.
I want you guys to know that I'm grateful for what you did for me.
Good night.
Klinger.
My, how you've grown.
Seems like just this morning you were a little girl in Mary Janes.
Can I talk to you, Major.
I hear you got your shingle out.
I realize I've only told you about a hundred and twelve times but I can't help you with the Section Eight routine.
Oh, I don't wanna talk about getting out.
I wanna talk about being crazy.
Well, this is a novel approach.
Go on.
No, I mean it.
I'm afraid I'm going crazy.
- You want me to lie down? - What's the problem? Well, I look at myself in the mirror lately, and I see this guy in earrings, pillbox hat, veil maybe a little choker of pearls.
And I ask myself "Would a sane man dress like this?" I'm tryin' to convince them, and I'm convincing myself.
- You're actually worried? - Major, I think I'm really goin' nuts.
Gina Lollobrigida used to make me drool and last week I looked at a picture of this beautiful, voluptuous woman and all I could think of was "How could she wear a peasant blouse with a tweed skirt?" Now is that "el flippo" or what? Look, you're in the crazy business.
Fashion consciousness is just a tool of the trade.
Doc, I go to sleep wondering if my pleats will hold out for another day.
My palms got sweaty last week when I read that cocktail-length hems are going longer in the back, and I just don't have the material.
Now that's sane, right? Klinger, let me ask you something.
Why do you want to get out of here? Why? Well, there's, there's lots of reasons.
I guess death tops the list.
I don't want to die.
And I don't want to look at other people while they do it.
And I don't want to be told where to stand while it happens to me.
And I don't want to be told how to do it to somebody else.
And I ain't gonna.
Period.
That's it.
I'm gettin' out.
You don't like death.
Overall, I'd rather lay in a hammock with a couple of girls than be dead.
Yes.
Listen, Klinger.
You're not crazy.
I'm not? Really? You're a tribute to man's endurance.
A monument to hope in size 12 pumps.
I hope you do get out someday.
There would be a battalion of men in hoopskirts right behind you.
- Thank you, Doc.
- Anytime.
- Anything else I can help with? - No, I gotta get goin'.
I got some nylons soaking.
[Chattering.]
[Cheering.]
May I ask what's going on here? Well, sir, we were burnin' the Chinese uniforms, sir, because they're infested.
Are you telling me some Chinese soldier came in here wearing an American ladder? Oh, uh, l-I guess that must've just slipped up there by mistake, sir.
Well, you better slip it back off, Zale or your service record is liable to get one giant hotfoot.
- Yes, sir.
- Thank you.
[Chattering.]
You see how loony they're getting? You know, this may be just what they need.
Major, when people are suffering from overwork do you usually prescribe arson? Because if you do, I'm gonna take another look under that bandage.
Look, Colonel, they don't want to burn the whole camp, just carefully selected bits of it.
Actually it's a pretty controlled response to this place.
They might actually have found themselves that pressure valve you're looking for.
All right, let me have your attention.
I am reversing my previous order.
You are hereby directed to assemble one regulation, bon-type fire.
[Cheering.]
- [Knocking.]
- Psst.
Psst.
Psst.
- Psst.
- Did you want to see me, or have you sprung a leak? Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
I didn't want to go into your tent 'cause I was afraid somebody might think I was crazy.
What can I do for you? - I think I'm goin' crazy.
- Why is that? - Well, it's about my teddy bear.
- He's been acting strangely? - Huh? - What about him? Well, I never say anything to the guys when they kid me about sleepin' with it.
Except now and then I think about it in the back of my head.
And when you told Klinger that it proved he was crazy 'cause he carried a teddy bear I started thinkin' about it in the front of my head.
Radar, you can't prove anything about anybody by what he carries.
MacArthur carries a swagger stick.
That doesn't prove he's a general.
Yeah, but me and my teddy bear are very close.
I mean sometimes I talk to it.
Does it ever talk back? - No.
- So? Do you know how many people write letters to Romeo and Juliet and think I Love Lucy is real? And those people are living nice safe lives with towels and sheets.
They're not up to their ankles in mud, blood and death the way you are.
But what happens when I go back home? My guess is you probably won't need him anymore.
I won't need him anymore? That's okay though, 'cause I have a feeling I will.
Look, officially we don't care what goes on inside your head.
We're just interested in the same part of you that your tailor is.
[B.
J.
.]
We're sending you to a guy in Seoul who's gonna turn you back into a 38 long.
If I know Sidney Freedman, all you have to do is say the word and he'll get in this ambulance and drive all the way down to Seoul with you.
- I'm telling you as your doctor.
You oughta think about it.
- Well Why don't we get Sidney and you can talk to him? [Hawkeye.]
Yeah, see how you feel about him? All right.
All right, yeah.
I'll talk to him for a minute.
[Engine Starting.]
[Horn Honking.]
Sidney? Sidney? It's Tom.
I think I have another house call for you.
Let's go.
He may let you ride with him back to Seoul.
You interested? Are you kidding? - Hi, Tom.
- Hello, Doc.
Dr.
Pierce and Dr.
Hunnicutt thought I should talk to you before I go down to Seoul, and I thought that would be a pretty good idea too.
- Sure, Tom.
- I mean, I may never get to see you again.
Sure.
Doc, I know I've been rough on you.
And I know you didn't mean to do me any harm although I have never been harmed so much in my life.
And I am never gonna forgive you as long as I live.
- Tom, come on, will ya? - I'm sorry, Doc.
I don't care if they fix me up better than brand-new down there.
I'll never forget what it felt like being back in that foxhole when you knew what I'd been through.
I'll never forget how it feels to get my legs shot up and I'm never gonna forget how much I hate you.
Good-bye, Doctor.
[Whimpering.]
All right.
Put him inside.
Sorry, Sidney.
Well, he may do all right.
- [Engine Starting.]
- It's very possible that getting his anger out on me is the best thing for him.
On the other hand, I'll never know.
[Truck Departing.]
[Knocking.]
Come in.
Oh, hi, Father.
I didn't expect to be seeing you in here.
Yes, well, uh - Please.
- Oh, thank you.
Well, l-I've come about a friend.
I see.
What's his problem? Well, things aren't going so well for him and he's feeling a little low.
- Who is your friend, Father? - You.
I wonder if a good antidote might be to think about all the successes you've had.
I would think you've had a few, no? Sure.
I've sent dozens of kids back to the front and they're fine now.
It hurts to think you might lose even one, though, doesn't it? See, when Pierce or Hunnicutt lose one he's out of his misery.
But when I lose one, I've lost a mind.
When I lose one, I've lost a soul.
Well, I guess it's all in how you look at it.
[Cheering.]
Sounds like they're having a good time.
Well, they're following your prescription.
You've certainly done an admirable job here.
Why don't you come on out and take a little of your own medicine? You know, this wasn't my idea.
It was theirs.
They have an uncanny knack for health here not to mention antic lunacy.
Ho-Ho-Hold it! Wait a minute! Here goes.
- The army cookbook! Yea! - [Cheering.]
## [Fanfare.]
[Cheering.]
[Cheering Continues.]
Yeah, Colonel Potter! [Together.]
One, two, three! [No Audible Dialogue.]
A cot.
How can you do that? It's just an object.
It has no intrinsic value.
It's just a thing.
Besides, it's yours.
[Potter.]
#Keep the home fires burning # [Crowd Joining In.]
#While your hearts are yearning # #Though your lads are far away # #They dream of home # #There's a silver lining # #Through the dark cloud shining # #Turn the dark cloud inside out # #Till the boys come home ## Come on, Radar.
We gotta start a new day.
I can't find it, sir.
Oh, wait a minute.
Here it is.
## [Dissonant.]
You know, it sounds a little better.