My Family (2000) s06e04 Episode Script

Should we put his hat on? He looks cold.
Let's take him outside.
It's ten degrees warmer out there.
Damn boiler.
We'd be better off with half a dozen kettles roped together.
He's so beautiful.
Oh.
He'll do.
The image of his father whoever he was.
Nice try, Mum.
The boiler's putting up a bit of a fight, but I think I've got her worried.
Are we going to have heat soon, Algernon? Blue is not my colour.
You can have it done fast or done properly.
Have it fast.
You never do it properly.
Kenzo should be a plumber when he grows up.
That's where the real money is.
Yeah, right! No way my son's going to be a plumber.
Michelmas Hall doesn't turn out plumbers.
You're not sending Kenzo to a private school, are you? Just cos I didn't get the best doesn't mean you shouldn't provide it for my son.
So you won't tell us who Kenzo's father is but you want us to pay his school fees.
That's right.
Anyway, you went to a wonderful state school.
Although the sex education could have been better.
I don't want to stand at the school gates with a bunch of chavs.
I want to stand at the school gates with Jude Law.
If I can't give that to my son, how can I live with myself? But state schools are character building.
They're real.
There's a rough and tumble realness to the whole experience.
Diversity, Janey.
That's what it's all about.
Private schools have diversity, Mum.
There are millionaires, billionaires.
Algernon, where does your son go to school? Eton.
Don't want him mixing with scum.
Bad news, I'm afraid, Mrs H.
I thought I could keep the old girl ticking over for a bit, but my professional opinion is she's knackered.
Oh, no.
How much? Ah, well.
I might be able to sort you out a new one for a shade under two grand.
L2,000? - How soon can you put it in? - By the end of the week.
I can't do it tomorrow.
My boy's got a regatta.
See you soon.
Stay lucky.
- Maybe I should put the oven on.
- For heat or food? Suicide.
Where's Dad anyway? We could do with some hot air.
- He's gone to the Boat Show.
- Dad? He hasn't got a boat.
I go to the Ideal Home Exhibition.
I haven't got one of those.
Hooray, up she rises Hooray, up she rises Hooray Ahoy, mateys! Oh, look.
It's Barnacle Bill.
Argh! The briny scent of the sea is still in me nostrils.
Ooh, God! It's cold in here.
- Your mother's not here, is she? - No.
The old boiler's gone.
Funny.
I didn't see her leave.
Hey.
Remember that dream I've always had? When the Pope chases you with an axe? It's good, it's good.
But how many times have I said I wanted a boat? - This is the first time.
- Right.
The dream begins.
Think of it.
You and me sailing around the Balearics with the sun on our backs.
Janey, your father's talking Balearics again.
What? What do you want? He wants to play with your boat.
He's certainly not playing with my boat.
Here, he can have me car keys.
Go on.
All the other kids have had my car keys.
Imagine it, Susan.
I'd be on the deck as the captain, giving all the orders.
You below decks in the galley, cooking up - Actually, no, on the deck with me.
- You haven't bought a real boat? Susan, I have bought the realest boat on the high seas, which I intend to christen The Salty Susan.
- Dad, you can't even sail.
- Look, love of my loins there'll be no sailing.
It's a 32-foot power cruiser.
The Salty Susan's fast as lightning.
It can do 1,000 knots in good weather.
- No boat can do 1,000 knots.
- Oh, the Susan can.
Forget it.
We can't afford it.
I just promised the plumber a shipload of money for a new boiler.
And for us landlubbers, our word is the only thing that separates us from frostbite and divorce.
OK.
It can be a 20-footer.
I can get that downriver.
And Michael's off to university next year.
- Well, a 15-foot is good to learn on.
- And there's Kenzo's school fees.
I'm gonna have a bath.
Take my boat and pretend I'm in the North Atlantic.
It'll feel like it.
There's no hot water.
Open wide, Mr Renthrow.
There you go.
Very good.
OK.
Hold still.
Very good.
You've had all the children you want? It's not really dangerous, is it? Not for me, no, cos I'm over here.
It's no more radiation than you'd get on an aeroplane journey.
Yeah, but at least I'd be getting a holiday.
Shut your mouth.
- Hold your breath.
- Mr Harper? Muriel, didn't you see the light? Yes, but you told me to tell you when lunch was here.
- Well, where is it? - It's not here yet.
- Then why are you here? - I wanted to update you.
- Thank you.
- Anything else? How can there be anything else? I didn't ask you here.
- Forgive me for doing my job.
- I'm so sorry, Mr Renthrow.
Every time I take an X-ray, she just barges in.
If she takes in any more radiation, she'll be trampling Tokyo.
- Hold your breath.
- (Buzzer) Good.
Very good, Mr Renthrow.
Right.
Now I'll take this away, have it developed.
- She's got lovely lines on her.
- Really? What, Muriel? - I was talking about the boat.
- Ah.
- That's a 32-footer, isn't it? - Mm-hm.
I have a 41-foot myself.
- Excuse me while I go and vomit.
- I'm sorry? I've finished.
I'll see you in six months.
Oh.
In six months? I'll be sailing around the Azores.
Sailing around the Azores? Why can't I do that? You know why I can't sail round the Azores? Because I don't have a boat.
And I don't know where the Azares ore.
Azores is.
Never mind.
Why am I talking to you? You'll have forgotten this in three seconds.
- Good morning, Ben.
- Ah, talking of brain of goldfish.
Shall we order this type of rubber glove? Or this type of rubber glove? This isn't about gloves, is it, Roger? - Oh, this little old thing? - Looks like a real one to me.
It is a real one.
I decided to treat myself.
What? They cost thousands.
What's going on here? He's got a boat, you've got a watch and I'm talking to fish.
Have you ever heard of Pyramus? - Yeah.
Rome or something.
- Close.
- It's a line of domestic products.
- I was gonna say that next.
Pyramus makes everything from personal hygiene to household cleaning products to toasters.
Oh, how luxurious.
So? So I went to a sales meeting and it changed my life.
Thank God.
Two days after selling this stuff in my spare time, I've made enough to buy this watch.
(Whistles) Anyway, I just popped in about the gloves.
OK.
Not so fast, Puff Daddy.
Let me see the bling.
Da bling.
Let me see da bling.
Oh.
What is this? In your spare time? Really? Listen, there's a meeting tonight.
I would - No, no.
- No, it's not your style.
I've heard about that.
Bit dodgy.
It's not for me.
- Shall I just order these gloves then? - Yes.
They're fine.
That's fine.
Rog Sorry.
Just out of curiosity - What time is the meeting? - It's, uh seven o'clock.
OK.
Not that I'm interested.
It's not for me.
- No.
- Cheers.
Muriel! Is my lunch here? - Yes.
- Well, bring it in.
I can't.
Your light's not on.
That's why it's safe to come in.
Thanks for coming, Susan.
I'm not here to support you.
I came here to get warm.
- Why won't you wear a name tag? - I know who I am.
Ben! I've saved you some seats.
Just give it a chance.
One chance.
I think you're both going to be inspired.
Who's playing the genie? - It's not a panto.
- I can still join in though? - I can't believe you're buying into this.
- Darling, I can't even afford to buy milk.
Susan, it's just one night of our life.
But Pyramus? It does sound awfully like pyramid selling.
It's not It's Roger.
You're educated people.
Think about it.
Would it be called Pyramus if it were pyramid selling? Yeah.
It does rather draw attention to itself.
He's behind you! He's just setting up the microphone.
- Oh no, it isn't.
- Yes, it is.
Oh no, it isn't.
(# Dramatic electronic) Who's ready to live the dream? (All) We are! Pyramus partners, salute! Dream! - Yup.
This is so ridiculous.
- Pathetic.
Who wants to live the dream? We do! Dream! (All) Yeah! Did you see the handbag that one Pyramus ambassadress carried? I know for a fact that bag costs over L1,000.
Did you hear the project leader say, "Don't think of this as pet deodoriser.
"Think about it as a down payment on your dream.
" Oh, Susan.
Everybody's going to want this stuff.
Do you know how long I've been looking for a bleach that kills all known germs? - And smells of Tuscany.
- Yes.
Susan, I know we're doing this to make a lot of money but I truly believe these products are of the highest quality.
And they're eco-friendly.
Did I look sincere when I said the high quality thing? Completely.
How about my eco-friendly thing? I almost wrote out a cheque.
Oh, God, I can get that 32-footer after all.
And I can send Kenzo to that private school.
I can't believe I just said that.
- I'm betraying all my principles.
- Susan.
Principles are a wonderful thing when you're poor.
They're your comfort blanket.
But now you can be warmed by the duvet of envy-making wealth.
I don't know what's right or wrong any more.
All I know is - I feel wonderful.
- Yeah.
Me too.
They pierced my suede jacket with a name tag and I don't care.
- Why doesn't everybody sell Pyramus? - Because not everybody can.
You know I love Roger and Abi and I hate to say this but They're not Pyramus people, are they? No, they're not.
I mean, it's nothing against them.
It's a sparkle, it's a bounce in the walk.
It's a little bounce.
That's what you need.
We've got the Pyramus walk.
- We have it naturally.
- Naturally, yeah.
Did you hear Roger boasting about how Pyramus would help him get that sports car he wanted? I mean, come on.
It's one thing to want a little financial cushion.
Or an education for one's heirs or if a classic handbag came one's way.
- Exactly.
- But one doesn't have to get greedy.
It's so unbecoming.
It's unbecoming.
That's what it is.
God, I want that boat! Does Roger really think he can move product like us? What, with Abi as the other half of his sales team? - We shouldn't laugh.
- No, we shouldn't really.
They've no charisma.
- I shouldn't say it but - Go on.
- We have charisma.
- I was going to say that.
- You can't learn charisma.
- You can't.
You're born with it.
It's God-given.
And God gave it to us.
We've got it.
What have we got? - Charisma.
- Yep.
- I feel sorry for them in a way.
- Remember what the group leader said? "Never feel sorry for people.
" No.
You'd think I'd learn that from all my years in dentistry.
- Oh, God.
We are going to be - (Both) So rich! Hee hee hee! Who knows? Maybe you won't be a dentist that much longer.
I'll keep my hand in.
Hang up a dental sign at whatever port we sail into.
Shall I tell you what hooked me? Tell.
All the famous people who sold Pyramus.
- Ah-ah - Sorry.
"Matched up the product.
" Who'd believe Jilly Cooper sold more anti-fungal ointment than anyone else in the British Isles? And she doesn't need the money.
She believes in the product.
- And Viscount Linley.
- Yes.
Listen.
We've only ordered 300 quid's worth of this stuff.
Will it be enough? - We can always order more.
- Yeah.
Pyramus? Dream! You must be kidding.
- Michael, this is your inheritance.
- Prepare to dream big.
- Nobody makes money selling this stuff.
- A certain Jilly Cooper might disagree.
It's a cult.
- Cult? - Cult? Michael, hello? Do we look like we've been taken in by a cult? You look like you've been taken from behind.
It's a scam.
Just a pyramid scheme with drain cleaner.
I'll deal with this.
Mikey, you're an educated man.
Would they call it Pyramus if it were pyramid selling? - Yes.
- They would? Michael, we were going to enrol you in the teenage sales force - the Pyra-mites - but well I couldn't make it.
I promised to be the flower girl at a Moonie wedding.
Leave it, darling.
It's fine.
Some people have a fear of success.
- Here, Mikey.
Free sample.
- It smells like haddock.
It's shampoo.
Oi, listen you.
You are not setting foot aboard The Salty Susan.
Susan Harper Are you ready to kick open those doors of opportunity? - Let me put my hat on.
- OK.
Me too.
- Dream big.
- Can't hear you.
- Dream big! - Yes! Dream! - Let's dream, baby! - Kick open those doors! Let's kick open those doors of opportunity! - Let's hear it for Pyramus.
- Yes! Maybe midnight's not the best time to kick them open.
We can do it in the morning.
We'll be quite breezy by then.
- I'm going to have a bath.
- I'm going to make cocoa.
Want some? Yeah.
Well, a bath's not gonna work actually, so Good morning.
You'd better get used to this treatment.
- You got up early.
- The early bird sells the floor wax.
I made two sales this morning.
- No? - Oh, yeah.
It's so easy.
I used my high-quality technique and your eco-friendly thing and Mrs Harcourt ate it up with a spoon.
Oh, by the way This is for you.
Oh, Ben.
The ambassadress's bag.
- If that bag can have a bag, so can you.
- Can we afford it? We've got to spend some of this money or the taxman will have us for breakfast.
Speaking of breakfast, my darling, have some champagne.
Oh.
- Yup.
This is all rich people eat.
- That's what keeps them thin.
You know, you're wittier now you're rich.
Cheers.
The new boiler's in and she's a beauty.
Whatever grabs you, Algy.
By the way, that skin cream you sold me cleared up my rash a treat.
No, no.
That's not skin cream.
That's tiling grout.
I don't care.
It did the job.
I'll just go and fire up your boiler.
- You'll soon be as warm as toast.
- (Horn beeps) - (Engine revs) - I hope to God that's not the boiler.
- It's some bloke in a brand-new convertible.
- (Horn beeps) It's Roger.
Roger? In a car like that? - You don't think he got that from selling? - Good God, no.
Maybe enough for a down payment, but we're not buying The Susan that way.
Cash on the nail.
That's the Harper way.
Oh Hurrah for the open road.
Oh, look.
It's Mr Toad.
Hello.
And Ratty.
Nice car, Roger.
Well, it gets you there.
Not a million miles to the gallon, but - Yeah.
Payments must be horrendous.
- Oh, I paid cash for it.
(Sucks in breath rapidly) Cash? A little present.
Thought you might like a spin.
Not now.
I've got to see my boat dealer.
Yeah.
I'm ordering some whale foreskin for me bar stools.
My nan's got a sofa like that.
Thanks for the ride, Roger.
Roger, you got that car very quickly.
You haven't been selling much longer than us.
- Well, it's a miraculous thing - I'm ordering more product.
- No.
You see, my aunt - We're selling to family too.
- People we haven't seen in years.
- Can't keep up with demand.
- I'm delighted to hear it.
Good luck.
- Don't need it.
- We have charisma.
- In buckets.
- So how about that spin? - We don't want our champagne to go flat.
Shame.
It goes from zero to 60 in 5.
8 seconds.
Good God, no? You'd better show us how.
Come on! I don't see how Roger moved enough product to get that car.
It's like being outsold by a gibbon.
He's not missing work.
I know he's in his surgery.
I hear his patients screaming.
There's only one thing to do.
I'm doubling our order.
- Doubling? - Tripling.
No.
Quadrupling.
Good God, woman.
You are so sexy when you're greedy.
Look at Michelmas Hall.
They've got those dwarf ponies and the short mallets.
But, look, the uniform's purple.
I'll build them a new library and they'll change it.
(Crashing) It's all right.
Everything's fine.
It's all right.
What choice did I have after I'd filled the garage? - Where's the sofa? - It's in the front garden.
Don't worry.
All this will be sold by the time it rains.
Of course.
- What were you doing, Suzy Harper? - I was doubting.
- You were what? - I was doubting.
Doubting? Thoughts of doubt Kick them out! That's better.
And may I be the first to congratulate you? (Hums a fanfare) Madam Ambassadress.
Ben.
That is Pyramus titanium.
Oh, yes.
Really.
11% metal.
Dream big! Dream! Hah! Oh-ho! Cult, eh? You didn't tell me there were badges.
Is that how you recognise the other idiots? You could be a little more supportive.
I just don't want to see you guys getting hurt or arrested.
- Did you hear that, Ben? - Hurt! Hurt? Listen, Michael, I've written something down for you.
I'd like you to read it.
You've written L1 million on a bit of paper.
Yes.
That's what we intend to make.
Now how do you feel? Check and mate.
So far you've only sold to friends and relatives, right? - No.
- Right? - Yes.
- What is your point? My point is there's gonna come a time, maybe not today, certainly in the next 32-36 hours, when you'll reach saturation point.
Finally! Finally, a little confidence in us.
- Dad, it's a bad thing.
- Point taken.
And may I counter your argument with this? Fine.
Just don't come grovelling to me when the walls come tumbling down.
- God.
It's negativity.
Negativity.
- I know.
It's teenagers.
They're completely negative I just remembered.
It wasn't a whale's foreskin sofa.
It was a four-seat sofa from Wales.
Ah Ow.
One sale.
An entire day and one lousy sale.
I had to buy something.
You looked so defeated.
That one man wanted to buy our medals.
If that dog hadn't bitten you, I'm certain that woman would've had the oven gloves.
Oh, screw Pyramus! It's all your fault.
- My fault? Why is it my fault? - You told me to quadruple the order.
Who saw Roger's watch and tore our lives apart? Who betrayed their principles so Kenzo could wear a top hat at school? - You would have killed us in that boat.
- So that's it? You're abandoning ship? Yo-ho-ho! Yes! Right.
What if Jilly Cooper had given up? She had her novels.
You haven't been to the surgery in days.
Because I've been trying to sell this crap! - It wasn't crap for Viscount Linley.
- And he's just fringe royalty.
Throw that in my face, why don't you? - What's up with your leg, Dad? - It's fine.
Everything's fine.
Fine.
Michael Sorry.
Michael, are you sure this is going to work? Where's my cheque, Mr Ambassador? - Yes.
Right.
Here.
- It'll work.
You're in trouble because everybody that was going to buy something has bought it.
Now it's about pulling in more idiots like you.
No offence.
None taken.
They buy the stock from you and sell it on, you take a commission and soon They end up drowning in the same toilet as we are.
- Exactly.
- Good.
I like that.
Right.
Good.
So where did you find all these prospective clients? I used the "Internet".
I don't understand.
What am I doing here? Adding glamour.
- Ahem! - Extra glamour, I mean.
- (Doorbell rings) - Customers beating a path to our door.
- Am I sweating? - Yes, but it's an optimistic sweat.
- We too late for the grub? - No, no.
You're the first.
Where are our manners? Come in.
I'm Ben, this is Susan.
We're the Powells.
Where's your bog? She's got a bladder the size of my thumb.
That paints a picture.
Straight through there.
There's so many people.
I'm nervous.
What am I going to do? - Just believe in yourself.
- But I don't.
What am I going to do? Ben, you're a dentist.
You've saved countless mouths.
You're right.
Who's ready to live the dream? What time's Jilly Cooper getting here? May I have all your attention, please? Will I have time for the toilet before the wife swapping? I told you, no liquids after four.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen for coming.
Um I'm about to turn your lives around.
This may not be what you're expecting, but maybe you're expecting too little.
Who's ready to live the dream? We are! Yes! There are thousands of ways to lose an opportunity, - but only one way to grab it.
- This is pyramid selling, isn't it? Oh, you're an intell You're an intelligent man.
Would they call it Pyramus if it were pyramid selling? I've tried these products and they're great.
How many can I order? Depends on how rich you want to be.
Who hasn't dreamed of owning an in-car Pyramus pizza oven? (Slurred) My name is Bernard and I am an alcoholic.
That's very good, Bernard.
That's lovely.
But it's not that kind of meeting.
Oh.
Let's have a drink then! Oh, very good.
Humour.
It's the biggest selling tool we can have.
I have humour.
I'll take three dozen pizza ovens.
Who wouldn't want to eat pizza and drive? Yeah.
Pizza ovens are H-O-T.
Hot.
H-O-T.
Hot.
That's what they are.
Of course, every Pyramus product comes What time's Jilly Cooper getting here? I've only come here to swap my wife.
- I've wet me pants.
- She can do that on demand, you know? And her incontinence won't be a problem with Pyramus adult nappies.
For the Pyra-Miss and the Pyra-Mister.
And they're disposable.
Let's have a drink! - I've brought my book to get signed.
- Shut up about Jilly Cooper! - Sorry.
Susan, I'm losing them.
- Say the eco-friendly thing.
Yes.
And for the planet-conscious amongst you - Hello.
What's all this? - Ooh, we having a party? Roger.
Roger, thank God.
Please, ladies and gentlemen, can I draw your attention to this man here? This man is living proof that Pyramus actually works.
This man, up until now, was a humble and semi-competent dentist, but after two days - yes, two days - he was able to purchase a top-of-the-range sports car.
- What car do you own, Roger? - It's a Porsche.
A Porsche.
Ladies and gentlemen, did you hear that? A Porsche.
And how much did that car cost you, Roger? L30,000.
Yes.
L30,000.
And how did you get that money, stranger? - Ben, I need to - Tell them, Roger.
- Ben - Damn it, Roger! Tell them the truth.
My aunt died and left me the money.
Roger tried to tell us where the car came from.
We had too much gold fever to listen.
I know.
It was Pyramus money for the watch.
I just assumed it was the same source for the car.
Greed.
You spend your life assuming you've none of the deadly sins, then fate gives you a slap in the face.
You really thought you had none of the deadly sins? Name another deadly sin I have.
- Gluttony, lust - All right, all right.
Not that I mind the lust all that much.
How about trying to get Kenzo into that posh school? Isn't that vanity? - That's not vanity.
- It is when it's just for the uniform.
Michael's brilliant idea didn't really work.
Brilliant idea? The idea about the party was stupid.
Huh.
Mind you, his idea to sue the owner of the dog that bit me might cover some of our losses.
God, it's cold.
Who would have thought Pyramus made boilers? (Ben) There goes my dream.
The Salty Susan up in smoke.
Burns better than the adult nappies.