One Foot in the Grave (1990) s06e04 Episode Script

Ah Misery me (SIGHING LOUDLY) (SIGHING) Beggars belief, doesn't it? We haven't got one decent candle in the whole house Don't know how long this lot are going to last -Don't know where to put them for the best -I know where I'd like to put them Just be patient I expect it'll come back on any minute (SIGHING) And stop sighing like that You're sucking up all the oxygen Typical, isn't it? The hottest day of the bloody year What a good job we bought these three giant Chillmaster electric fans last week They're just the ticket for a night like this -I have a good mind to go to bed -Well, why don't you? I wouldn't sleep this early I never get off till about 3:00 in the morning as it is Just lying there all tense and jittery Don't I know it The way you were twitching about on your stomach last night like a porpoise having a seizure Squirming about with your bottom all clenched up to kingdom come God knows what you were dreaming about I told you not to watch Deliverance before you went to bed There'll be claw marks on that headboard now forevermore Some people grind their teeth in their sleep You grind your buttocks Yes, all right I could have sharpened a pencil up there last night I said, all right I don't want to be reminded about it, thank you very much And don't open that window We'll be eaten alive by mosquitoes It's the same every summer That ruddy ornamental pond of hers across the road turns into a public health hazard No, perhaps I'll just stick my head in the fish tank I mean, what am I supposed to do? It's like a bake house in here Look at these chrysanths Three days and wilting already Never mind plant food I should give you a sachet of Viagra Bloody things (GRUNTING) I got that sharp pain all down my front again You can't tell me that's wind All those monkey nuts you were eating in the bath, I should think it's shaping up for a cyclone Lying there with all the little husks floating about like canoes No wonder you didn't finish your tea Yes, well, I needed a bath after buggering about all morning with that new lawn mower Three words destined to strike fear into any man ''Easy home assembly'' Just putting the grass box together took four hours Every time you got a bit to stay in, so another bit would pop out I'll be forcing chrome shafts into snap rings in my sleep tonight Doesn't matter how much you pay for something nowadays, they still expect you to put it together ''Yes Here's your boarding pass for the flight to Rome, Mr Meldrew ''You'll find the plane lying in a flat pack at Gate 1 3 ''Complete with a full set of instructions'' Same with that lampshade I put up the other day The chains on that were all lopsided So you've told me, about 1 00 times (SIGHING WITH RELIEF) Wonder if it's Crohn's Syndrome Will you stop prodding at it? You've been to the doctor's He's given you a thorough checkup all over Yes, that was another thing I got undressed and suddenly he starts staring at my feet and whistling as though he's never seen anything like it He said, ''Do you mind if I take a photo of these for The Lancet?'' -I mean, what was that all about? -Well, why didn't you ask him? Well, I didn't like to, in case it was something hideous Something else I've got to worry about Both burning up I can tell you that much (MOANING) I wish I had bought that foot spa now we saw in Debenhams Could have that lovely water whirling all over them and freshening them up Any minute now, the cap And if I ever find the bastards who did this, they'll know about it, I can tell you that much Coming to it, when you can't put your cap down on a pub table to go to the toilet without someone stubbing a cigarette out in it If that's what happened Well, I don't imagine it's a moth with a very healthy appetite Some yob's idea of an hilarious prank Why don't you go upstairs and do your Tai Chi? It might help you relax It doesn't help me relax It makes me feel like a complete idiot Well, Mr and Mrs Elsberry swear by it Thought when they came over to give you some lessons, the three of you were getting on quite well together We looked like Wilson, Keppel and Betty I got up at 6:00 this morning to go and do it in the park where no one could see me and what happened? I did that thing where you have to squat right down and I couldn't get back up again Had to walk all the way home like a chimpanzee I won't be trying that again They say that hot air rises, don't they? Wonder if it's any cooler down here (SIGHING) Good book? Extremely And I've just got to the interesting bit So, if you don't mind (SIGHING) Got the dinner party from hell tomorrow night Great Aunt Joyce and Uncle Dick I wonder if it'll be any grimmer than the last one I expect so, yes I knew we were in for a pleasant evening when he came in and said, ''Where shall I put the spittoon?'' Told him to make himself feel at home, so he took his false arm off And said, ''Ah, that's better'' Didn't know where to look He was using it as a back scratcher at one point -Oh, do you remember? -Yes I mean, that's all you want to hear half way through a meal, isn't it? ''Don't make her laugh too much Her glass eye is a bit loose'' Right in a plate of salad And the eyesight's not that good in the other one Shouting, ''It's all right I've got it'' Thought we'd never prise that cherry tomato out of the socket It's bad enough with the lawn mower without having to put the dinner guests back together (SIGHING LOUDLY) If it's no better than this tomorrow, I may have to emigrate Oh, what did the forecast say? Perhaps it'll be a bit cooler Yes, and perhaps it'll be hotter still You know I never watch the weather forecasts If it's a nice morning and they say it's going to be worse in the afternoon, how can you enjoy the morning? Best not to know about it It's the same with life in general There are certain things you don't ever want to think about What sort of things? Well, I don't want to think about them, do I? And it's the only way you can go on, isn't it? From one moment to the next I mean, if you knew now, all the horrible things that were going to happen For the love of buggery What did I say to you about making sure you put those screws in properly? -Oh! -You know what a hell of a weight this thing is (GROANING) Is it still in one piece? I daren't look I suppose we should be glad it fell on something soft Yes, it's lucky I hadn't had a sachet of Viagra It could have been smashed to smithereens Don't be coarse I mean, three and a half days it had to do that But no It had to come down just at that moment (GROANING) And my chest's all horrible and sticky Seems as if it's gone all crisp everywhere now I'm not surprised with all that hair lacquer you've been squirting on Enough to glue up a yak Hair lacquer? Thanks very much for pointing that out to me You should look at things more carefully in the first place You are hot I'm hot There's nothing we can do about it until the power comes back on And when will that be? I expect it'll come back on any minute Now, do you mind? (EXHALING LOUDLY) (UNFOLDING NEWSPAPER LOUDLY) Is that the one where the murderer fires a crossbow through the keyhole? It's a very good one, if I remember rightly What? Why do I bother? I have no idea sometimes But all that happens at the beginning, surely? Or do you only find out about it at the end? Ah, yes Sorry about that Do you mind if I borrow the torch now? If you've finished with it Thanks Oh, there's a man here who never throws his urine away Belongs to a religious sect that regard it as a sacred bodily fluid containing part of the human soul Kept everything he's ever passed since October 1 973 All bottled up in a huge wine cellar And now, apparently, Leicestershire County Council are getting a court order to have it removed ''Said Mr Hibbert, 48, '''It's not the first time people have tried to take the piss''' Oh, you just love finding things like that in the paper, don't you? I'm only reading what it says Right up your street, that sort of thing Just tickles you to death Read in here the other day, we'll soon be able to go to the toilet over the internet I mean, how the hell is that supposed to work? I don't know why I buy the bloody thing sometimes (MOSQUITO BUZZING) Oh, God, what did I tell you? Now, where's the insect repellent? I think I left it in the car Don't You're not opening that front door Well, what's the difference? They're in here now, anyway VICTOR: And what the hell do you think you're playing at? That's my bloody Up, move it! This hasn't been parked here for your recreation, for God's sakes Stop doing that while I'm talking to you (INDISTINCT MUMBLING) Get out of there! law down here I've never seen this sort of carry on in my life! Go on! You! Get your toes out of my headrest! will know about it, I can tell you (DOOR CLOSING) Well, if that doesn't take the biscuit, I don't know what does! Did you see that? Young bloke from down the road with his girlfriend only having sex in the back seat of our car Well, I had forgotten to close the sun roof Bold as brass, just merrily getting on with it without a thought for my suspension They didn't even stop when I opened the door Stark naked, the pair of them And he had the cheek to tell me to go and put some clothes on Said I was lowering the whole tone of the area It's that poor butcher's son, Kevin You see, they don't care any more, youngsters like that Butcher his pork next time I see him Clothes all over the front seat And I daren't tell you what I found on the gear stick God! Completely wore myself out now, with all that Oh, I'm sorry, Margaret I've had it with the human race I'm going to become a registered hermit Who was it said, ''Hell is other people''? Mrs Smedley at number 1 4 -Was it? -Just after she got back from Benidorm And she's got enough on her plate with that mother and father of his living there I don't know how she copes Don't know when I last saw him Didn't someone say he's actually so fat he can't get out the front door now? How ever much must he weigh? Don't know I think it's got something to do with all the tablets he has to take Poor old soul I know the neighbours have been complaining When she hangs his underpants out to dry, they lose an hour's daylight I'll be reporting that little incident to the parents concerned Don't you worry Bloody yobbery Morning, noon and night (MUSIC PLAYING LOUDLY) -At last! -The relief! I do not believe it! False alarm I might have known Just as that was coming up on the box Did you see that? -See what? -On the screen just there A man pointing at a photograph of my feet! Oh, for goodness sake On the Southeast News, as large as life I just caught it before it went off again That was a detail from the Crucifixion I think I know my own feet when I see them It's a programme about Renaissance art I recognise the mole above my big toe That was a nail -Well, I know what I saw -Oh, will you stop fretting about them? There's absolutely nothing the matter with them (VICTOR SIGHING) So we still can't watch any television What's on anyway? Dinosaur Hospital.
Pick of the day ''This week, through the magic of state of the art technology, ''the team help a pterodactyl with a cleft palate resume a normal life'' I presume the presenters are computer-generated as well, are they? I mean, Rolf Harris has been dead for 1 5 years to my certain knowledge It's more than flesh and blood can stand Oh, I expect it'll come back on in a minute Well, there's nothing else for it but to listen to Dale Winton reciting Kubla Khan.
Do we have to? I need something to bring a smile to my face DALE WINTON ON TAPE: In Xanadu did Kubla Khan A stately pleasure-dome decree Where Alph, the sacred river, ran Through caverns measureless to man Down to a sunless sea (VOICE DISTORTING) So twice five miles of fertile ground Oh, turn it off Well, there must be some more batteries in this drawer somewhere There aren't I've already checked Well, we can't have run out of Ah, now then Oh, how did we forget about this? The scented candle that Ronnie and Mildred brought back from Marrakesh Are we really that desperate? I'm afraid we are ''An enchanting blend of camphor, vanilla and peach'' Well, it can't be that bad Talk about the devils Don't bring it over here (MARGARET COUGHING) ''Important This is not a circular'' -What is it? -A circular ''Apply now for your special discount loyalty card to Cottleswood Crematorium ''Collect 3,000 points or more for a cash bonus, ''plus a free clock radio if you nominate a friend to be cremated before August 31 st'' If I nominate anything, it'll be all this bloody junk I meant to get some batteries when I was out this morning, but with all that kerfuffle on the way home, it just went right out of my mind What kerfuffle's that? Oh, yes I didn't tell you, did I? There was a big siege going on in one of those houses by the putting green Some maniac, apparently, holding a family of five hostage at gunpoint The police had got the whole area sealed off Traffic was being diverted It was just like something out of a film Apparently, they weren't allowing anyone near the park They'd got concealed marksmen in the bushes God knows what else What time was this? Well, it's been going on since yesterday lunchtime, I think they said But I was up the park first thing this morning Took that shortcut by the wire netting right next to the putting green I didn't see any concealed marksmen Well, you wouldn't, would you? They were concealed I mean, obviously they were taking no chances Reckoned this man was a complete nutcase Said if he saw anyone doing anything remotely suspicious, he was just going to open fire on them and ask questions later Remotely suspicious? You mean I was fart arsing about up there in the middle of the grass in full view of an armed psychopath doing bloody Tai Chi exercises? Jabbing my hands in the air like a simpleton I could have ended up with a bullet through my No No, it'll be what you said Someone with a cigarette in a pub I mean, this is This is probably a completely different part of the park or something I've come over all faint now I got a sort of quivery feeling in my left ear like a whining sound (MOSQUITO BUZZING) Bloody thing! I thought I killed it! Where's the spray? Probably get dengue fever of the inner ear now (DOORBELL RINGING) Who the hell is that at this time of night? (WOMAN MURMURING INDISTINCTLY) MARGARET: Well, of course we wouldn't mind Well, we'll be only too pleased to So if you want to bring him over, that'll be fine What wouldn't we mind? What are we only too pleased to do now? Mrs Smedley She's got to take her mother-in-law up the hospital They think she's had a stroke And, of course, they can't leave the old man on his own over there in the dark and everything So she said, would we mind keeping an eye on him in here just to make sure that he's all right, you know, till they come back Oh, you're joking Old Mr Smedley, the Hindenburg disaster on legs? I mean, how have we got room for him in here? He'll cause a lunar eclipse just passing the window (KNOCKING AT DOOR) Victor, what else was I supposed to say? Coming Hello, Mr Sme Oh My goodness That's a handy gadget to have in a power cut, is it? Yes, it used to belong to my brother Worked in the Kent mine fields for 25 years -Really? -Mmm, prior to his untimely death -from respiratory failure -Oh, dear Well, can we Swing over here Is that Can you manage that? Oh, I think we're in business -You You remember Victor? -Mmm Yes, sorry to hear about your wife, Mr Smedley Why don't you come and sit yourself down? Yes, I I will if you If you don't mind Thank you I'm very sorry about all this -I'm sorry to be such a nuisance -Oh, don't be silly Er, would you like a brandy or anything to steady your nerves? Oh, no, it's all right I've, er, I've got my hot water bottle It's always a great comfort, I find Hot water Sorry to be such a nuisance They think my wife's had a stroke Yes, we, erm Hope she'll be all right up there They're terribly overstretched Lady next door had to wait two hours the other week just to get to the operating theatre They said they were very short of trolleys and did she mind sharing with a corpse? It is a nightmare these days I hope she'll be all right up there They said she'd probably be out in a few days I expect she will Well, perhaps I'll just sit here and read my book -Would you mind? -No, of course not You go ahead Thank you ''Chapter eight ''Late that evening, I was surprised at my lodgings ''by a visit from Mr Bruff ''There was a noticeable change in the lawyer's manner ''It had lost its usual confidence and spirit ''He shook hands with me, for the first time in his life, ''in silence -'''Are you going back to Hampstead?' I asked -Er, sorry, excuse me ''by way of saying'' Pardon? Sorry You actually have to read it out aloud or It's the only way I can get it to go in, unfortunately And stay there You'll find that when you get old Yes, you see, I knew I was going to be a nuisance No, no, no, Mr Smedley If it helps to take your mind off things Anyway, I'm going to the toilet now, I'm afraid Oh, fine Well, you know where it is and everything No I mean I'm going to the toilet now As I speak The control goes, you know, after a while Aggravated by too much stress and excitement Well, erm, you know Well, let's get you sorted out -Well -Yes Upsy-daisy, Mr Smedley That's the ticket Oh, God -Well, here you are -Yeah Oh, I don't think there's any damage done, so, er, you better go first, I think Yeah You see, I said I was being a nuisance -and I have been -No, no She'll be all right, though, won't she, up there? I mean, they They said she'd only be in for a few days (MARGARET AND MR SMEDLEY CHATTING) MR SMEDLEY: I'll go in here MARGARET: Yes, all right (MARGARET AND MR SMEDLEY CHATTING) My God, I suppose we're going to be up with him all night Potty training Mr Creosote That's all we needed No, no It looked as if he's going to nod off in there, actually I think we might just let him sleep -Oh -What? I just feel a bit sick What? How sick? And breathlessness What else have you got? Chest pains? Radiating outwards towards the shoulders? No, no, I'll be okay in a minute Well, I expect it's that bloody candle turning my stomach over Poor old codger -I suppose -What? Well, it just You know, what he said about his wife Do you remember when my dad went into hospital? They said that would just be for a few days And after a few days, they said it would be just a few more And that's how it went on And we always knew it would be all right Couple more days and he'd be back home with us all again I don't think there's any other way we'd have got through those last six months It's like you said If it's sunny in the morning you don't want to know it's going to rain in the afternoon (GROANING) Three hours it's been off for now This is ridiculous! Yes, well, I expect it'll come on again any minute I expect # They say I might as well face the truth # That I am just too long in the tooth # I've started to deteriorate #And now I've passed my own sell-by date # Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true # I have to pop my teeth in to chew #And my old knees have started to knock # I've just got too many miles on the clock # So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways # It's true that my body has seen better days # But give me half a chance and I can still misbehave # One foot in the grave # One foot in the grave # One foot in the grave #