Parks and Recreation s06e04 Episode Script

This is a historic day.
At 12:01 this morning, the city of Eagleton ceased to exist and was re-absorbed back into Pawnee.
Things are exactly the way they were back in 1817, except, you know, women and minorities can vote, we have indoor toilets, and we no longer burn widows for learning arithmetic.
Councilwoman Knope is your merger czar, and in the binders that she's provided, you will find directions to your department in Pawnee that most closely matches your department in Eagleton.
There are two Eagleton departments Pawnee does not have: the Department of Infinity Pool Design and the Department of Dressage, which I am told is a fancy horse-riding thing.
It is horse-dancing, madam.
Okay, take it easy, Alonzo.
All you horse dancing people, sit in your saddles if you will.
The rest of you, welcome to your new departments.
Attention: Eagleton is now under martial law.
No.
Okay, Pawnee Parks Department.
Soon, you will be paired up with a person who was roughly your equivalent in Eagleton.
Donna, you'll be with Craig.
April, you'll be with someone named Tynnyfer.
And Ron, your guy is also named Ron.
Guess there's no Tom Haverford equivalent.
Not surprised, I'm one of a kind, just like the custom Nikes I designed that say "Tommy's Tootsies" across the toes.
You do have a counterpart, actually.
His name is Eric, and I've heard he's amazing.
Anyway, I also have a little surprise.
I would like to introduce our new filing temp.
- Hey, everybody.
- No! No, why? This can't be happening.
Why, Leslie? We brought Jerry out of retirement because we have a mountain of filing to get through.
- Welcome back, Jerry Gergic.
- Thank you, Leslie.
And as long as we're starting out fresh, Leslie, I was wondering if people would call me by my real name.
- Larry? - No, it's not Larry.
It's Jerry.
No, it's Gary.
Your name is Larry, Larry Gengurch.
His name is Larry Gengurch.
Come on, April, it's already hard enough for my family when you call me "Gary.
" - Jerry.
- Ha, ha, classic Larry.
Larry.
- Larry, Larry, Larry.
- Aw, jeez.
Look, I'm trying to save as many jobs as possible, but we're gonna have to lose some people.
I'm not sure who we should keep.
April, Tom and Donna are three of the best human beings that have ever lived.
Ron is basically a better version of George Washington.
Butthe Eagletonians are probably good too.
Today, we are not just merging two towns.
We're throwing a birthday party for a new city.
Happy birthday, New Pawnee.
Party's over.
You guys lost millions of taxpayer dollars, and we have to clean up the obscene mess you've made.
You're not as nice as the other guy.
I don't care.
When we were state auditors, we had an amazing system.
Yeah, Chris pumped everyone up and made them feel positive and happy.
And I swooped in and slashed their budgets to ribbons.
Like a majestic alley-oop.
You're all amazing! You're all fired.
Teamwork.
Hi, you've reached the voicemail of Larry Gengurch.
Please leave your message after the tone.
Well, when Leslie called to see if I could help, Gayle and I were just getting on a cruise ship to the Bahamas.
I said, "Gayle, put that bikini away, because Pawnee needs me.
" Oh ho! Somebody forgot a banana in here--ooh! Hi, I'm Donna.
Oh, that is the perfect name for you.
I love it.
Never change it! Wasn't gonna.
You're Craig, right? Ugh, yes, but I hate that name.
It's so boring.
Sounds like someone's cousin.
Craig! Craig! I want to be a Spanish man named Terrence, but that didn't happen.
Okay.
So here's my list of duties.
I'm basically the office manager.
- How about you? - Oh, I did everything.
Everything! I carried the Eagleton department on my shoulders for years, and I loved every second of it.
You don't even know! I'm sorry, was your name Jennifer? No, it's Tynnyffer with two y's.
I used to be Jennifer, but then I decided to rebrand myself.
Oh, wait, hang on.
It's Xanax o'clock.
Um, well, nice to meet you.
My name's April, and I just wanted to say that your dress is so cute it's bonks.
I saw my spinning instructor wearing it, and I was like, "Shut up.
Where do I get that?" Oh, my God.
Who's your spinning instructor? Gregory or Wynona? I go to Yonis.
Who are Gregory and Wynona? I've never heard of them before.
- Are they better? - Wynona rocks my world.
Seriously, you need to get me in there.
Like, that's a must, must, must.
She's the worst person I've ever met.
I want to travel the world with her.
Ron.
Ron.
Last name? Dunne.
Is that your name, or are you telling me you're finished talking? Both.
Dunne and done.
I like Ron.
- Hi.
- Well, well, well.
You must be Eric.
I'm Ragiv from I.
T.
This is E.
R.
I.
C.
E.
R.
I.
C.
is a computer program? Stands for Eagleton Reservation Information Center.
It does all the scheduling in Eagleton.
I'm here to install it.
But scheduling's the main part of my job.
You still have a human being in charge of booking tennis courts? What is this, 1990? I guess that explains the shoulder pads.
How did he notice these? Hey, this is a surprise.
Yeah, I just wanted to chat for a sec.
You know, just so you could hear some things from me.
Verbal things from my mouth.
Did that sound weird? - Is everything okay? - Yeah, everything's fine.
First of all, this is Evelyn.
Oh, hello.
She is my Health Department counterpart from Eagleton.
There really wasn't a ton of work for me there.
Eagletonians are very healthy.
Oh, well, this might be a very interesting challenge for you, because Pawnee has the very first documented case of mega-diabetes.
And the only know occurrence of Lou Gehrig's other disease.
We've been written about in textbooks.
Thanks, Evelyn, I'll see you back in my office.
I just need to talk some more words into Leslie's face.
Nice to meet you.
Ahem.
Wow.
I feel sorry for her.
I mean, nobody can fill your shoes, Ann.
With your tiny little doll feet.
Actually, that's what I wanted to talk to you about.
I, uh, I'm gonna step down, and I'm gonna turn my job over to Evelyn.
What? No.
Did somebody put you up to this? Was it Evelyn? I knew she was a monster.
No.
No, no, no.
Chris and I have been talking, and we are thinking very seriously about leaving Pawnee and moving somewhere else to start our family-- Oh, my God, look at that.
It's waffles! - Delicious waffles.
- Wait.
Should we try? Yeah, let's try.
- Huh? - Mmm.
- Wait, what were you saying? - Try.
Just enjoy.
Yeah.
There we go.
So, if I'm hearing you correctly, you're telling me you're not thinking about leaving Pawnee.
I am thinking about leaving.
Is this one of those classic Ann "not" jokes? Like, "I'm leaving Pawneenot!" I don't do that.
I was hoping that you had started.
It's not definite.
It's just neither of us are from Pawnee.
And I have a whole family in Michigan.
And Chris is missing life in a bigger city.
And I just wanted to talk to you about it so you could hear it from me.
- Do you hear that galloping? - Hmm? Wha--oh, my-- look at that! Joe Biden on a horse shirtless.
That's amazing! Uh, I've got a ton of work to do.
I'm super busy, so you can let yourself Look, if Ann wants to leave Pawnee, I get it.
I mean, who wants to stay in the greatest town in the world with her best friend and be happy forever when she can abandon her soul sister like an old shoe and move to a garbage city full of jerks.
I get it.
No hard feelings.
- You have to text me.
- I will.
Sorry for the delay, ladies, I was busy being ambushed by treachery.
So did you have a chance to compare notes on your respective duties? Totally.
Tynny and I have been, like, totally bonding.
We've just been like blah blah blah blah blah blah blah! Like, talking, like, so much forever.
- It was all so delicious.
- I know, right? This is, like, the best day ever.
I know, I'm eating it all up.
Wow.
It's nice to see a friendship blossoming instead of wiling away like a dying turd flower.
Totes.
Um, we also came up with these nicknames for each other.
Slut and Skank.
How craze-mazing is that, Lez? Well, you know what I think is craze-mazing? Commitment.
I'm looking for someone who's in it for the long haul.
We are basically creating a new version of Pawnee, and if Pawnee is gonna commit to one of you, you need to commit to Pawnee.
Tynnyfer, do you have kids? Ew, no.
I've had so much rejuvenation that I don't think a baby could get out of there if it tried.
You know it.
I guess we can make a switch to Bermuda grass.
It's only 80 cents more per square foot? What? Gimme gimme gimme.
You want me to put Bermuda grass in a continental climate that's a six on Beaufort scale? In a park with zero drainage? I want Kentucky bluegrass, I want a 10 percent discount, and I want you to apologize to my best friend Donna! Yeah, hi.
Is there-- and I'm just guessing here-- some kind of medication that you maybe need a lot of and have taken none of or maybe too much of today? Oh, I have a medical condition all right.
It's called caring too much! And it's incurable! Also I have eczema.
Okay, Eagleton Ron, tell me a little about yourself.
Well, I love the outdoors, love nature.
Amen.
I'm a big believer in environmental conservation.
Recycling and composting and the like.
I'm a yoga nut.
And I'm a nut nut.
They make delicious milks, man.
And I'm a vegan, of course.
Slowly working toward full freegan-vegan.
What in God's name is freegan-vegan? You only eat vegetables that have been thrown out in people's dumpsters.
What is on your foot, sir? My trusty sandals.
I believe a man's feet should remain uncaged.
Same goes for all chickens.
Well, Eagleton Ron, we here in Pawnee value loyalty above all else.
So would you be opposed to signing an official loyalty pledge to our new town? As long as that new town were open to the ideals of communal living, everyone pitches in towards a common good.
In the immortal words of Cat Stevens, "If you want to be free, be free.
" I no longer like Ron.
E.
R.
I.
C.
is an amazing program.
Fast, fun and easy to use.
But there's one thing no man or machine can beat Tom Haverford at-- talking mad trash till I get what I want.
This guy Eric is a disaster.
- What do you mean? - Just a bad attitude.
"Oh, I hate this place.
Get me out here.
" That kind of thing.
And unreliable.
And racist.
I think he may have even been to jail.
Although, you know, maybe those are just regular face tattoos.
Wow.
That's not good.
I should probably talk to him.
Well, let me see if can turn him around.
I don't want to put this on your plate.
You have a lot to deal with.
Thanks, Tom.
You're the best.
Okay, let's take a look at this list of assets owned by the Eagleton government.
Sell 'em.
They're gone.
You had six full-time baristas on the payroll.
The baristas are gone.
As are the masseurs.
And the full-time barista who provided coffee for the masseurs.
It is excellent having the old band back together again.
You know what? This calls for some celebratory lunges.
One two All right, Donna.
There's gonna have to be some cutbacks.
I mean, your job is secure, of course.
You're basically the glue of this department.
But I think Craig's gonna have to go.
No, you should keep him.
He's crazy intense, but I've never met anyone who cares more about this job.
Uh, Donna, I'm right here.
No joke.
He might care more than you.
Honestly, if I had to choose between him and me, - I'd choose him.
- Wait, what are you saying? Are you thinking about leaving? I wasn't planning on it, but I could.
You know, I got the condo in Seattle, the fiance in Denver.
- Huh? - It won't last.
Leslie, I would be happy to go back into retirement if you have to cut the staff.
What? Even Larry wants out? What the hell is happening here? Does everybody think that running a town is just some game where people can come and go as they please? Okey-dokey, Leslie.
You're mad at me.
Don't take it out on everybody else.
- It's not fair.
- I'll tell you what's not fair.
I'm gonna have to watch the Oscars with Ben alone this year.
Last year, don't you remember Angelina Jolie and the leg dress moment? He had, and I quote, "no comment.
" How can you not have an extreme reaction about a dress like that? It just doesn't make any sense! - Okay, we need to talk.
- I'm sorry, Ann.
I can't understand you.
You've developed some accent from that new town you might move to! It seems like no one around here understands the meaning of loyalty.
I am the merger czar.
I make the rules.
And I'm gonna teach people the meaning of loyalty in a language they will understand-- complicated legalese.
Knope, what are these contracts? It's just a little something that I drew up for all the employees of the new town.
Basic boilerplate language, blah, blah, blah.
I'm so sorry, honey, but Tynny and I won't sign anything until we speak with our life coach.
When Eric saw this, he smashed a bunch of computers.
- Why are you doing this? - What's the big deal? I'm just trying to stop time with legally-binding friendship contracts.
What part of that do you not understand? You have lost your mind.
I think you need a spa day, Les.
Fine! You only have to work here until I'm dead! Is that better? What in the name of all that is holy is that smell? Yerba matte tea.
Sweetened with stevia.
It's an all-natural plant extract.
Shut your damn mouth.
No need to curse.
There most certainly is.
Okay, all Eagleton people meet me in the conference room.
All Pawnee people, sit at your desks.
And take it personally.
I kind of feel like we got off on the wrong foot, so I made unity cookies with the Pawnee town's original colors of blue and yellow.
However, I did not have yellow frosting, so I had to use mustard.
But do not worry.
I put tons of sugar on them, so it will even it out.
Mmm! Sugar mustard.
That's awful kind of you, Leslie, but I'm afraid those are a little too sweet for me.
I unhooked from that big sugar train over 30 years ago.
You are a man of principle and I respect that, cool Ron.
So, what's your story, new Ann? You're kind of pretty.
I mean, you're not "Ann" pretty, but you have potential.
Thank you, but I-I don't work in this department.
Shut your kind of pretty mouth and, uh, eat a mustard cookie.
Okay, so let's chit-chat, huh? Let's get to know each other and then become familiar best friends.
I don't have time for this.
I'm halfway through designing a bamboo gazebo as a tribute to the founders of Motown.
That's so Craig.
Oh, Craig! We have fun, don't we? Do you guys remember when this all started and I came in here with the cookies, and then Craig said something so Craig and we all laughed, and we were like, "Craig!" Do you think it would be weird if we held hands? - Probably.
- This way, please.
Excuse me, Ron, I am talking to my best friends.
Let me go! Best friends, attack Ron! Ben, it has been an honor watching you work today.
It's been like watching Leonardo work.
Da Vinci or DiCaprio.
You're that good.
Thanks, man.
I was in the zone today.
This really has been a lot of fun.
The old juice is back! Hey, should we keep this going? Celebratory dinner, just like the old days? Ben, that's a great idea.
Hey, you know what? I know who I'm gonna use to calculate tax and tip.
Me? Can I just say something? I'm having so much fun right now.
Oh, my God, me too.
Like, so much fun.
Can I just say something, though? - Yeah.
- Okay.
You don't want this job.
Seriously, this place is the pits.
It's like, if you worked here, you'd be like, "Ugh!" And Leslie would be like, "Blah, blah, blah.
" And you'd be like, "Uh" Okay, can I say something? Right now, I totally think that you're right, and I had been thinking about going someplace warm while my husband is in jail.
Oh, my God! Can I just say something? - Yes! - Okay.
You should totally stay at my house in Miami.
- What? - I'm serious.
Come by anytime.
Just let yourself in.
The gate kind of jams sometimes, but you can just jump it.
You are so amazing right now.
You're like skinny Mother Theresa.
It's Dwayne Wade's house.
I got his address off the Internet.
I really hope he's there when she walks in and he throws a basketball at her head.
Okay, enough is enough.
What is wrong with you, woman? I don't need to explain myself to you! I am the czar.
I can do as I please.
Those who cross the czar feel the wrath of the czar! Ann is thinking about leaving Pawnee.
Moving, with Chris.
Well, that's nice.
Nice, Ron? Edible arrangements are nice.
This is volcanically hot betrayal! She is my best friend! She's thinking about leaving, just like that! And she wants to "talk to me" about it? It's like, I don't even know what to say.
That you love her and you understand that it's her life, and geography will never change your feelings.
Whatever.
I don't even need her.
I've got Tynnyfer now, and Craig, and Eric, the racist drug dealer who I've yet to meet.
Those are my real friends.
You can't force friendship, Leslie.
It takes time.
I once thought I had a friend.
Then it turned out he was the single worst person I have ever met.
I agree with Ron, Leslie.
It's like Moz once said.
"Hold on to your friends.
" Morrissey.
The Smiths.
You don't know Meat Is Murder? It's one of the best songs ever written about industrialized beef consumption.
Okay, Eagleton Ron.
I think it might be time for you to go.
This Ron has the position pretty much locked up, and, uh, I don't think we have any room for you in our department.
Fair enough.
I should have seen it.
Taurus and Capricorns never mix, do they? Just remember, Ron.
Giving in to hate is like drinking saltwater.
The thirst only grows worse.
Leslie, remove this man before I commit an act of violence against him.
Whatever you do, I won't fight back.
After I defeated him in an epic struggle, E.
R.
I.
C.
is gone.
He's been replaced by T.
O.
M.
-- Town-wide Organizational Matrix.
Big plans tonight, Craig? No, I have a ton of work to do.
Plus, my DVR is 13 months pregnant with episodes of Scandal.
Scandal's my favorite show.
I love every character, except for Mellie.
Oh! Of course you like Scandal! Because you're amazing! I love you.
And no matter what happens with this job, I will always love you.
Excuse me! Who even are you? How's your salad? Well, it's called the "Good Earth Salad," but really, it's just cheese, toffee, and gummy bear worms.
This town is really unhealthy.
You know, I forgot that this part of being accounting bros was actually pretty depressing.
I mean, after the intense, almost meth-like high of solving accounting puzzles, we were always just beat at the end of the day.
I actually think it's something else.
Back in the day, this was all we had.
We'd go into a town, we'd fix problems.
We'd go back to some rundown motel.
Yeah, you'd exercise.
I'd re-watch Twin Peaks, then hit the Twin Peaks message boards and read The Secret Diary of Laura Palmer to find Easter Eggs I'd missed.
But now, Ann and Leslie are our real partners.
Yeah.
It's a good thing.
But you were a fine surrogate before we found them.
Just so you know, we're thinking of moving.
Don't know where yet.
Maybe Michigan, to be with Ann's family.
Wow.
That makes me kind of sad.
But also incredibly happy for you and Ann.
We have come a long way.
Something healthy! A cherry tomato.
Nope.
A gumball.
Ooh! What I really want to say is, I'm sorry.
You're my best friend.
This whole thing is just scary and confusing.
I love you.
I want to talk about this, all of this, whatever it means.
Was that okay? I guess it's good.
Again, I barely know you or Ann, so I don't have much to go off of.
- Well - Hey, Leslie.
Hey.
Uh, you are excused, Fake Ann.
That was six hours well spent.
I thank you.
Looks like you've made all your decisions.
Well, almost.
What were you talking to Evelyn about? Nothing.
It's not important.
The only thing that's important is you.
I'm ready to talk about this.
I want to talk about this.
Is now a good time? Yes.
Now is a great time.