Scrubs s06e04 Episode Script

J.
D.
: Elliot had just finished her last shift at Sacred Heart before starting her new career in private practice.
I can't believe it's all over.
God, so many memories.
So many, many memories.
Who wants to say something first? Elliot, your new office is right there.
Nothing's gonna change but your lab coat.
Anyone else want to go? J.
D.
: Speaking of new jobs, I wasn't thrilled that my pregnant girlfriend was offered a research grant in Tacoma.
On the up side, I could give her dramatic "don't-go" kisses whenever I felt like it.
That was hot, stud, but I think it's just my leg that's supposed to be up.
Oh, J.
D.
This is going to be such a tough decision, 'cause I don't know if you're aware of this, - but I've been really digging you lately.
- Oh, I'm aware, baby.
J.
D.
: Oh, my God, she likes me! Still, I'd only be gone four months, and you don't want to be around me when I'm pregnant.
All the women in my family go psycho.
- Yeah, but Kim - I wasn't finished! (SIGHS) You know, I'm back.
I'm back.
It's perfectly fine.
Just hit the wall.
Look, whatever your decision is, I support you.
You're so awesome, J.
D.
My lips taste weird.
Hey.
Look who I brought to see her mama.
Somebody else's child? We got a code pink, people! Somebody just stole a baby.
Just shut that.
Baby, so, after I take this kid back to the nursery, I was thinking maybe we could pack up you and Isabella and head home? Turk, I can't handle going home right now.
This place is really expensive, honey.
Now, I don't know if you know this, but the ice packs you've been putting on your hooey run about My body's a disaster zone right now, but it will get better, so if you want to get near it ever again, I would stop talking about money.
All right, who can tell me anything about Mr.
Pierce? He uses oil heaters at his house in New Hampshire.
That answer was either very sarcastic or very stupid.
Either way, I'm whacking you with my clipboard.
- Brace yourself.
- Wait.
He's hypoxic with a clear chest x-ray which can be a sign of carbon monoxide poisoning.
I learned that watching House.
House is a genius.
That's it.
I'm whacking both of you.
(BOTH GROAN) Look, I know you all curl up on your futons at night, dreaming of cracking a real-life medical mystery so that some doctor-slash-supermodel will want to touch your eruption button.
But here's the bad news, this isn't a TV show.
There aren't any cameras over here.
Real medical mysteries don't happen every week and doctors damn sure don't look like models.
They look like Rex.
What? Chin up, you ugly bastard.
So, if you want to solve a real mystery, go ahead and figure out who's taking my New York Times every Sunday.
Or, better yet, how about why anybody on the planet actually thinks Dane Cook is funny.
As far as Mr.
Pierce goes, he has your run-of-the mill pulmonary embolism.
And I know, I know, it is a boring medical diagnosis, but that's what hospitals are.
Boring.
Hey, there's that baby you stole.
I kind of miss the little cutie.
We really bonded.
Come on, that kid doesn't remember you.
So, you're really cool if Kim decides to take this job? Hell no, man.
She's going to be all the way in Washington.
And phone sex is out of the question, because I'm a righty when I talk on the phone, but I'm also a righty when I'm teaching mini-J.
D.
Who daddy is.
Can't you work your way around that? I'm screwed, dude.
I mean, if I ask her to stay, she's gonna resent me forever.
You know what I gotta do? I gotta be the best boyfriend ever so she never wants to leave me.
Turkleton.
I need a word.
I wanted to give you your paycheck in person so you can hand it back to me to pay your bill.
- Why don't you just hold onto that, sir? - That's not how it works.
Now, I'm going to hand it to you and I want you to look at it, sigh, and give it back to me.
(SIGHING) Splendid! Nurse Espinosa, mi hospital es su hospital.
No problemo, chiefo.
Hey, nice new digs.
Looks like you could use a new coat of paint, though.
If you're interested (ELLIOT CHUCKLES) Thank you.
Now I just gotta find someone to replace this rug.
Air traffic controller, gemologist, captain of industry, middle reliever, ruggist.
I invented a machine that prints business cards.
That's already been invented.
Oh, yeah, I know.
But mine also fires paint pellets.
How about it? Observe.
Curved off to the left.
It was working great yesterday at the zoo.
Doctor Reid, I thought I would just stop in and say goodbye.
Why? I'll still be working here.
Yes, but you won't be working for Sacred Heart, the place that spent a fortune training you, only to have you take off for greener pastures.
You're like a prostitute that gets paid up-front and then bolts from the restaurant after dinner.
It's about common courtesy, Reid.
Whether to your boss or to a kind-hearted John who's given you a lot of business over the years.
So, goodbye, Miss Mei Ling of Gentle Oriental Escorts, and goodbye, Dr.
Reid.
I won't be speaking to either of you ever again.
Seriously gonna ignore me because I took another job? Hey, Sarah.
How are you? I'm Dr.
Dorian.
Look, you were in and out of consciousness when they brought you in.
Do you have any family you want us to contact? No, it's just me and my dog, Charlie.
You can try him, but he rarely answers his cell.
(J.
D.
TITTERS) What's Charlie's cell phone number? Okay.
Other than the obvious loss of your sense of humor, I understand you've been having palpitations and shortness of breath.
We'll run some tests and see what's happening.
There's my girl.
Hey, I got you something.
It's a star.
You can get them off this website.
I named it after you.
That's so sweet.
Unfortunately, Kim was taken, so I tried Kim with two M's, Kim with three M's, - Kim-1, Kim-2 - Well, what's it called? Frecklefart90.
(EXCLAIMS) For the freckle on my ass, my lactose intolerance and the fact I graduated high school in 1990.
Yes.
J.
D.
: That was so lucky.
How could I ever leave you? It's working! (PAINTBALL GUN FIRING) Damn it! Is it the sight? I've been hit.
Not the sight.
Dr.
Cox, I need your help.
Make it quick.
I gotta be somewhere.
Where? Anywhere you and I aren't talking.
Go.
Okay.
It's Carla.
I can't get her out of here, and she listens to you, so I was thinking (WHISTLES) Say no more.
You know, yelling at those interns made me realize how monotonous it is, facing the same disease day after day, and that no matter what I do to entertain myself, I'm still bored.
Whether it's reading the paper or shaving the sideburns off of a resident because his license plate says, "PARTY DOC.
" By my calculations, that rant just cost me $27.
- Excuse me, Dr.
Cox? - Yes, Party Doc? I heard crying coming from this room last night.
I thought you should know.
Don't look at me.
I wasn't crying.
Maybe it was Mrs.
Mehleison.
She just had her baby yesterday.
Maybe she got postpartum depression.
One of us needs to check this out.
I got it.
(EXCLAIMS) - What? - I can't do it.
- Why? - 'Cause her husband is orange.
- Good afternoon.
- What's up? Oh, Dr.
Kelso, what radiologist is on call today? Oh, right.
The silent treatment.
Well, unfortunately for you, the Reid family has actually been giving each other the silent treatment for generations.
There was one time my dad wasn't talking to my mom because she stopped boffing the gardener right at the height of weed season.
I know.
She wasn't thinking.
Anyhoo, she finally broke him down with this little ditty.
Nobody can hear it without chiming in.
(ELLIOT CLEARING THROAT) Lollipop lollipop Oh lolli lolli lolli Lollipop lollipop Oh lolli lolli lolli Lollipop (POPPING) He was about to crack, Ted.
What the hell? Lollipop lollipop Oh lolli lolli lolli Lollipop (POPPING) Well, your labs are back and it's definitely heart failure, but there are no blockages, no virus is present and you have no family history of coronary disease.
So why would I have heart failure? J.
D.
: Even though real hospitals aren't like TV shows, that doesn't mean there aren't mysteries.
Like why a healthy woman's heart is failing.
Or why a grown man is orange.
Grab a seat, people.
This just got interesting.
(SCATTING) Wow.
Elliot, I wouldn't take that if I were you.
J.
D.
: Or why a friend is mad at you instead of the guy being the jerk.
Don't even talk to me.
Of course, for me, the biggest mystery was what my girlfriend was gonna do about her job offer.
So I spent the entire day thinking I can't leave you for four months, but you're so amazing about the whole thing that I finally just called them and accepted the job.
They want me there tonight.
Can you believe it? Okay! I'm gonna go get us a muffin.
You okay? (PAINTBALL GUN FIRING) Finally.
J.
D.
: No.
So, you're sure you don't mind taking me to the airport tonight? Of course not, babe.
J.
D.
: I had to think of a new plan to keep Kim from leaving.
Unfortunately, work got in the way.
The only thing worse than not knowing why a patient is crashing is being offered help by the hospital's grief counselor, Dr.
Eadrick.
Need help, old friend? Oh, yeah.
Her kidneys are failing.
- Give her a pep talk.
Stat.
- Yeah, no.
Treating her emotionally, that would have nothing to do with her medical well-being.
You know, maybe instead of lashing out at me you should turn that anger gun at the person you're really mad at.
Mommy? Just a guess.
I mean, there's got to be some reason you're always such a D-bag, right? D-bag.
Okay, we have a 41 -year-old male who is as orange as an NBA game ball.
Who can tell me why? - I got an idea.
- Yeah, I got an idea, too.
If you want to work, let's stop paying for the room, so you can go home.
Then you can come back and get paid to work.
Turk, I just need a break from the baby.
Mr.
Mehleison might be a vegetarian.
He's always eating carrots.
But carotene, like jaundice, turns you yellow, just like certain blood disorders turn you blue and tomatoes can turn you red.
Sadly, there isn't anything on God's green Earth that turns you orange.
Maybe he got freaky with some Cheetos.
Swing and a miss, Webster.
Next.
Maybe he used some fake tan cream.
I used it once.
Turned me orange all over.
There were no foreign substances found on his skin.
But kudos, Keith, on finally outing yourself.
Hello, Stacy, Rebecca, Larry.
Jennifer, Lyle, portly island boy Elliot, I can't get Carla to leave this place.
Yeah, I don't really give a rat's doo-doo maker, Turk.
- Why does she hate me? - Don't say "hate," Gandhi.
You kids throw that word around so much it's lost all of its meaning.
Now I have to find a word stronger than hate to describe how I feel about others.
(DRONING) (HUMMING) I mega-loathe you all.
Good day.
Here's Dr.
Cox.
He's one of my colleagues and he's gonna help me with your diagnosis.
We're kind of teammates.
So, Sarah here has the beginnings of what looks like I can read a chart, Newbie.
Now, leave before I put a rhinestone collar around your neck, have you fixed, and make you my lap doctor.
- Again, teammates.
Okay.
- Go.
I see by your chart here that you are - You are single.
- That's right.
J.
D.
: Kim's leaving to pack and I still have no plan to make her stay.
It's go time.
Just say the first thing that pops into your head.
- Hey, J.
D.
- I'm rich.
- You don't have to take that job.
- You're not rich.
Oh, yes, I am, Kim.
And this right here is my dope-ass Mercedes, okay? (SQUEAKING) I didn't want to tell you 'cause I wanted you to like me for me.
- You're an idiot, J.
D.
- Am I, Kim? Dr.
Tabini.
Dr.
Tabini, I'm on the car.
Larry! Larry! I'm on the car.
(SIGHS) There's my girl.
J.
D.
, why didn't you just tell me you didn't want me to go? What am I supposed to say, Kim? "Don't go 'cause I'll miss you"? Kim, we both know you were always gonna take that job and I was always going to want you not to.
Look, it's only four months.
It's really good for my career.
J.
D.
: And then I said something I wish I hadn't.
Why don't you just do what's best for you? You know what? I'll get myself to the airport.
You usually have to go to a van convention to see art of this quality.
- You do.
- Gotta confess, though.
I cheated a little bit.
I used an actual head from the morgue as a model.
Be careful, it's actually around here somewhere.
Oh! (GROANING) Uh-oh.
- I think I heard something break.
- Here you go.
Podiatrist? I also buy and sell feet.
So, any way you want to go, I got you covered.
Great.
Hey, Elliot, you gonna finish that muffin? - Why are you so pissy with us? - Why is Sarah dying? Why is that guy orange? J.
D.
: Around here, sometimes you do wish it was more like TV.
And a bigger-than-life character like House would just show up and conveniently solve everything.
Ah, yes, the huddled masses.
Carla, I see you're trying one of this establishment's disgusting new tomato muffins.
Do you know who else just loved tomatoes? Our little orange friend, Mr.
Mehleison.
As you correctly pointed out, the only thing he loved more than tomatoes were carrots.
And if carrots turn you yellow and tomatoes turn you red, what color would he most likely turn if he were to gorge himself on both those items? - Orange.
- Correct.
And Gandhi, I understand that you are confused as to why Private Practice Barbie has a beef with you and your scrawny little life partner.
Kelso's the one being the jerk.
Not us.
Yes, but even though that horny old raisin is acting like an ass, in doing so, he's actually acknowledging that she's ready to move on professionally.
Guess who hasn't acknowledged that? Nothing's gonna change but your lab coat.
He's right.
I mean, lately all this great stuff's been happening to you guys.
You're settling down and having babies Dear God, Barbie, we get the point.
This would roughly be my time.
Now, Newbie, as far as your patient is concerned, Takosobu Cardiomyopathy.
- Ever heard of it? - I haven't.
Takosobu Cardiomyopathy, also known as "Broken Heart Syndrome," is when a severe emotional trauma triggers a weakening of the heart muscle.
On her chart you indicated that she was single, yet I noticed she was still wearing her wedding ring.
Turns out her husband had just died and she wasn't ready to take the ring off yet.
I'm betting that her grief over his passing is what caused her heart failure.
And, no, no, I'm not Superman.
I'm just Dr.
Cox.
Thanks for the coffee.
She's going to need a lot more counseling, but we'll get her there.
Well, not "we," so much as me.
I mean, your part, the bungling of the diagnosis, is done.
I can't believe you can have heart failure just from being sad.
I mean, how are you supposed to treat that? (MACHINE ALARMING) He's coding! Get me a box of kittens, stat! (MACHINE BEEPING NORMALLY) Possible side effects of kittens include sneezing, tiny scratches and erectile dysfunction.
Wouldn't I be a great spokesperson for things? Could you do me a favor? Next time, just remember to take care of your patient emotionally.
If someone's in a good place, they heal quicker.
If they're in a negative place, well, that can destroy the body, the mind It can destroy anything.
J.
D.
: Even a relationship.
- Will you excuse me for a second? - Oh, God, yes.
ANNO UNCER ON PA: This is the final boarding call for Action Air, flight 65.
Non-stop service to Tacoma, Washington.
- Kim, wait! - J.
D.
? I couldn't let you leave without you knowing I completely support your decision.
Oh, J.
D.
! Now, let's get that shirt off.
There they are.
So, then everyone watches us do it and claps after? - The end.
- Sweet story.
I'm sorry.
I was such an idiot.
I just I'm really gonna miss you.
Look, we're gonna talk every night, we're gonna get you a hands-free headset for phone sex and we're gonna get through it.
Oh, God, I'm gonna be so big when I get back, you're not going to want to touch me.
Don't be ridiculous.
I've been with a lot of big girls.
Oh, yeah? J.
D.
: The best part of a great mystery is its resolution.
(WHERE DO YOU GO PLAYING) Whether you finally realized what your friend was looking for - So, tell me about your new job.
- It's amazing.
or just figuring out why a guy was orange.
Am I ever going to look normal again? Oh, sure, sure, as long as you cut back on your vegetables.
Maybe, I don't know, buy some clothes from this decade.
Oh, I almost forgot.
Your wife was crying the other night.
Keep an eye out for postpartum depression.
It's pretty serious.
She hasn't seemed sad at all, but I'll keep an eye out.
Of course, no matter how many mysteries you solve, it's always easy to miss one.
Turk, I can't handle going home right now.
Don't look at me.
I wasn't crying.
I just need a break from the baby.
Like who's really in trouble.