Spin City s06e04 Episode Script
The Apartment
I've got a tape I want you to see.
Ooh, I hope it's that croc hunter.
I tell you, that guy's nuts.
Actually, it's from "New York one.
" Citizens are not happy about your relationship with Claire.
What do you think about the mayor conducting an affair with a married woman at Gracie mansion? I think it's a disgrace.
I mean, the taxpayers' money paid for his home.
I think it shows no class.
The man has no concept of dignified behavior.
That broad needs to get some.
T-that's ridiculous.
Claire's just waiting for her divorce to be finalized.
I wouldn't put stock in these.
What kind of people hang out in central park in the middle of a workday? Look who we have here.
Amy! Hey, what do you say? Paul, what do you think of the mayor bringing a married woman back to Gracie mansion? I think it's terrible.
Can you believe it? I mean, the guy's taking a public building, he's turning it into a Roman bathhouse.
Of course, this is off the record.
Actually, this is on the record.
The camera's right over there.
This might be a good time to tell you about my twin brother.
So, how was your weekend? Terrible.
I went on three dates all disasters.
I'm starting to wonder if there are any quality single men in this city.
I'm single.
Quali single men.
I'm sorry, I didn't hear that part.
Why do I think that meeting some guy is going to complete my life? You know, I am tired of guys.
I say that all the time.
Then I watch Brad pitt in "fight club" and I'm back in.
Caitlin, your problem is that you don't understand men.
All they're interested in is sports, booze, and women.
Wow, you even got the order right.
Caitlin, can I give you a little advice? No.
And to top it off, I have to go to a baby shower tonight.
What's wrong with that? Everyone there will be married with a family except for me.
I'll go with you.
But I have to be back home by 10:00.
Why? "Fight club" is on.
Every paper has a negative story about us at the mansion.
Don't they have anything else to write about? Yeah, don't they know that crime is up? Turn the page.
There you go.
Sir, if I may, maybe you and judge Simmons should find some place other than Gracie mansion to spend your couple time.
It's the only place we can go to get away from reporters.
If we go to my place, they're there If we go to a restaurant, they're there.
People are always chasing after us, just like that poor princess.
Diana? No Leia.
Sir, we are in the middle of an election.
It might be wise to take some time off from each other.
I don't think we should let public opinion dictate our relationship.
I mean, what's the worst that could happen? The mayor could lose the election.
Fine then he'd have more time to focus on his driftwood sculptures.
Just go with it she digs artists.
Randall, whatever you decide, I'll support whether you're the mayor or a sculptor or even if you go back to being a Navy seal.
Bye.
I've used that one.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
So, sir, can you and Claire spend some time apart? Charlie, I've waited a long time to find a woman like that.
The wine of my love has been uncorked.
I've got to let it breathe.
Well, sometimes you appreciate wine more if you haven't had a drink for a while.
What if she goes looking for another vintage? Something more fragrant With a larger penis? I've said too much.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Yeah.
Guys, there's someone I'd like you to meet.
This is Shelly, my publicist.
You hired a publicist? Well, after that "New York one" experience, I decided it was time to improve my image.
I want the public to know the real me.
Paul, the fact that people don't know the real you is your strongest asset.
Starting tomorrow, we'll take this town by storm.
Oh.
Check out the getaway sticks on blondie.
Paul I can't believe I'm going to say this you're too big for this guy.
Shelly's gonna make me one of the most recognizable men in this city.
How much are you paying him? I give him 5% of my earnings and I drive him to the doctor twice a week.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Sir, I need your signature on this letter.
I really miss Claire.
It's been eight hours.
That's like three full workdays.
Oh, it's almost 2:00.
RADIO D.
J.
: Next up, I've got a special request.
Running a city is a lonely job especially without your lady.
So this one's going out from the mayor of love town to judge Claire bear.
BREAD: * baby, I'm-a want you * * baby, I'm-a need you * * you're the only one I care enough to hurt abo * t nothing tugs on your heartstrings like a group of men singing like women.
Sir, I don't want you to be unhappy.
If you have to see Claire, just be discreet.
Maybe take her out of town or go to a friend's house.
That's good advice, Charlie.
I feel better already.
* Used to be my life was just emotions passing by * * emotions passing by I'm gonna go now, sir.
* feeling all the while, but never really knowing why * mmm Peaches and apricots.
No, wait peaches and strawberries? Right! Oh, good.
Okay.
Now your turn.
Mm! Mm! Mm! Could be squash.
Hmm, there's a hint of fennel With a white truffle infusion.
It's stewed peas.
I was getting there.
Okay, now let's open the gifts.
[BABY TALK.]
Look at the little baby booties.
Look at the little, little What happened to my friends? They used to be intelligent, independent women.
They get near a baby and they lose all ability to speak.
Ooh, look at the baby booties, booties, booties.
Baby booties, oh.
If I ever talk like that, you have permission to slap me.
I have to go to the ladies' room.
Can you hold Jackson? Oh, I don't know if I'm comfortable oh, you'll be fine.
Oh.
Oh, you know what? I don't think he likes me very much.
You want me to take him? That's a good idea.
Oh, whoa, whoa, wait a minute.
Oh, my gosh.
You're smiling at me.
Yes, you did! Yes, you did! Oh, what a little cutsie, wootsie baby! I'll slap you when you put the baby down.
Oh, he's such a little angel.
Oh.
I'm back.
Thanks, Caitlin.
No, I'm fine.
No, really, I'd like him back.
Oh, you get him all the time.
That is a gorgeous baby.
Thank you.
Thank you.
And Baseball.
[CROWD CHEER.]
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Sir, what are you doing here? Remember when you said Claire and I needed to be more discreet maybe go to a friend's house? Yeah.
Hey, friend.
What's rags doing here? I thought he was shooting a dog-food commercial.
Carter stormed off the set over creative differences.
Rags isn't going to play second fiddle to some Taco-eating chihuahua! You know what rags needs? A good publicist.
"Shelly hallerman "for all your u.
S.
O.
Needs.
Our performers will fly to Korea.
" Keep it.
Hey, Charlie, how about that game last night?! I didn't see it.
The mayor came by with Claire and "Claire bear" wanted to watch the food network.
But don't talk about the game I taped it.
Oh, Charlie, Charlie Claire and I really appreciate you letting us hang out at your place last night.
My place is your place.
Great, 'cause I had a key made.
Oh, listen by the way, I had your security code changed to my birthday Easier for me to remember.
When is your birthday, sir? Oh, Charlie, you don't need to get me anything.
I'm already staying at your place.
Carter, thank you for coming to the baby shower with me.
You didn't want to go and you ended up having a great time.
But it was more than that.
It really made me think.
In fact, I've got some big news.
Is it bigger than the mayor and his girlfriend moving into my apartment? I'm having a baby.
So, yes.
You're pregnant? No.
Phew! Why are you so relieved? We never had sex.
Force of habit.
Caitlin, when did you make this decision? When I was holding Jill's baby, it made me realize what I'd been missing.
Drool? 'Cause if that's what you're missing, just go wink at Stuart.
So, you're planning to have a baby by yourself? Why should I hold up my life for some man I may never meet? There are other options.
Yes, there are.
And I want you to know it would be an honor to impregnate you.
I can assure you the experience will be fast and efficient.
Your pleasure will be minimal And I will only be as excited as is necessary.
I'm flattered.
But it's my responsibility as a woman to make sure you never reproduce.
Point taken.
I think this is wonderful.
Imagine being responsible for another person, feeding them, cleaning up after them, laying their clothes out in the morning.
I have that now with the mayor.
It ain't that great.
So, Carter, I'm not crazy, right? I can do this.
Absolutely.
I've just never taken care of anyone before.
Why don't you take rags for a couple of days? He might give you a sense of what it feels like to be a parent.
How? If you can take care of him, a kid will be a breeze.
Fine.
Hand him over.
Great! These are his medications.
Now, the green one gives him a healthy coat.
The yellow one is for his eyes.
And the red one is for his tooth.
Shelly and I just closed a major deal this morning.
By this time next week, every bus in this city is gonna have a 5x10-foot photo of my face on it.
So it'll be actual size? Ha ha, what, are you jealous, Mr.
small potatoes? You're looking at the spokesman for the department of education's new ad campaign, and look This is my first check.
How much? I will put it in terms that you can understand, Stuart.
It's roughly 35 lap dances.
$723?! Here comes the choo-choo.
Chugga chugga chugga chugga, chugga chugga chugga chugga.
Why won't you eat? You're acting crazy.
Yeah, the dog's the crazy one.
Lower your voice.
Why? Rags is finicky.
He won't eat if there's too much noise.
Are you kidding me? The dog is deaf.
Those ears are completely decorative.
Watch this.
Aaaaaaaaaaaahh! [SILENCE.]
Stop it! You don't know what I've been through with this dog.
He wouldn't take his bath, he won't take his pills, and now I can't get him to eat.
Eat, rags, eat.
Keep it up he won't call you when he gets to college.
It's not so easy.
You try getting him to do something.
I'm sorry I'm not being that understanding.
Thanks to the mayor, I haven't slept in two nights.
The guy is totally in my space.
Charlie, you have to talk to him before it gets out of control.
It's the first time the guy's been happy in years.
Do you want me to crush him in the middle of an election? [PAGER CHIMES.]
That's probably him paging me.
I got a meeting to go to.
Where's my pager? Oh, it was on the table next to rags.
[PAGER CHIMES.]
I've got an emergency.
My dog just swallowed a pager.
Are you sure? [PAGER CHIMES.]
I'll get a doctor.
Oh, God, please be okay.
What happened? Oh, well, I had three horrible dates last weekend, and I went to this baby shower with my friend Carter, and I thought I wanted a baby, so I took rags, and Charlie screamed at him, and then he ate a pager, and now I'm never going to be a mother! Dogs swallow things all the time.
Doctors will get that out in minutes.
Now, just take some deep breaths.
That helps.
When I was in law school, this guy ate the passenger seat to my v.
W.
Rabbit.
Really? So you're a lawyer.
That restaurant was great, Charlie.
Well, the night isn't over.
Are you interested in some soft music and a little wine? No, but I'd like to fool around.
Let's go with yours.
CLAIRE: Hey, Charlie.
You're just in time for some cheese fondue.
It's a lot of fun.
But what a mess, huh? See? That keeps happening.
Charlie, I have to get up early.
Why don't I go and you stay here and hang out with your parents? They're not my parents.
Good night, Mr.
and Mrs.
Crawford.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Hey, pull up a seat we'll start a new jenga.
No, I think I'll just go to my room and watch the tape of last night's game.
Was that labeled "yankees/ Red Sox, do not erase"? Yes, it was.
Why? Well, we accidentally taped over it.
But if you want to watch "Dawson's" later, you're good to go.
Get out.
What? Get your stuff, get your fondue, get your jenga, get out.
Charlie, it was just a baseball game.
It's not just the game.
It's my apartment.
This isn't city hall.
This is my home.
I've got hot cheese.
Put the cheese down, Claire.
We're leaving.
All right.
You can have your keys back.
I won't be bothering you anymore.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
I feel like such a failure.
All I had to do was take care of rags for one day, and I couldn't do it.
Who am I kidding? I am not ready for this.
Don't give up so easily.
You had one crisis.
You handled it well.
When I was at the hospital, I was freaking out and and there was this really nice guy that helped me through it, and it made me realize that when I have a baby, I don't want to do it alone.
Okay.
No, I-I-it makes it makes sense.
What's wrong? I got to admit I'm a little disappointed.
I thought if you had a child, I could do everything that a father does, you know Take the kid to the salon Dance class, shopping And if it was a girl, I could learn.
Carter, have you ever thought about having a baby yourself? It's crossed my mind.
But it would never work.
I mean, I'm single, I have a career.
Besides, do you know how hard it is for a gay man to adopt? Those are just excuses.
You're a born nurturer.
Right now there is a kid out there who would be so lucky to have you as their dad.
You really think so? Of course.
You've had enough practice.
You treat that dog as if it were a child.
One time, I made him little pants.
Hello, Charlie.
I want to apologize on behalf of both of us.
Sometimes Randall can be a little insensitive.
Hear! Hear! He grew up with a silver spoon, and quite frankly, he can be selfish.
Guilty as charged.
People give, he takes.
And takes And takes And ta let's wrap this up.
Charlie, I really am sorry.
Charlie, I really meant Everything that Claire said.
I guess I should apologize, too.
I did overreact last night.
If I was bothering you, why didn't you just say something? I mean, you of all people know how oblivious I am to other people's suffering.
It's not my style to complain especially to my boss.
I'm not just your boss, I'm your friend.
And friends should be able to tell each other anything even if it's bad.
Now, come come on.
Tell me something I don't want to hear.
Let's not go down this path.
I'll go first.
Um [Clears throat.]
Charlie, sometimes you go a little nuts with the hair gel.
Okay.
See? Ha ha.
Sir? Uh-huh? "Furthertheless" is not a word.
Stop using it.
You breathe too loud.
I don't like it when you talk to me at the urinal.
You come in late every day.
That's you.
Oh, yeah.
I don't think this is helping.
No, this is good as mayor, I'm constantly surrounded by people who tell me what I want to hear.
I've got a million friends But not a lot of close friends.
I was hoping you could be one, Charlie.
I'd be honored.
And I'll try to be one, too.
Hey, buddy.
Tell you what I'll buy you a drink at my favorite cigar bar.
Uh, to be honest, sir, cigar bars are pretty lame.
Crawford, I'm your boss.
I'll see you at the Cuban room in 20 minutes.
Charlie, Carter has big news.
Is it bigger than the mayor and Claire leaving my apartment? I'm gonna have a baby.
I gotta stop asking that question.
Oh, what is with the hat? I'm incognito.
Why? When the buses with my face on it hit the streets, I'm gonna be an instant celebrity.
You're gonna wish you were me.
Sit, ubu, sit.
Good dog.
(BARKING) Moo.
Ooh, I hope it's that croc hunter.
I tell you, that guy's nuts.
Actually, it's from "New York one.
" Citizens are not happy about your relationship with Claire.
What do you think about the mayor conducting an affair with a married woman at Gracie mansion? I think it's a disgrace.
I mean, the taxpayers' money paid for his home.
I think it shows no class.
The man has no concept of dignified behavior.
That broad needs to get some.
T-that's ridiculous.
Claire's just waiting for her divorce to be finalized.
I wouldn't put stock in these.
What kind of people hang out in central park in the middle of a workday? Look who we have here.
Amy! Hey, what do you say? Paul, what do you think of the mayor bringing a married woman back to Gracie mansion? I think it's terrible.
Can you believe it? I mean, the guy's taking a public building, he's turning it into a Roman bathhouse.
Of course, this is off the record.
Actually, this is on the record.
The camera's right over there.
This might be a good time to tell you about my twin brother.
So, how was your weekend? Terrible.
I went on three dates all disasters.
I'm starting to wonder if there are any quality single men in this city.
I'm single.
Quali single men.
I'm sorry, I didn't hear that part.
Why do I think that meeting some guy is going to complete my life? You know, I am tired of guys.
I say that all the time.
Then I watch Brad pitt in "fight club" and I'm back in.
Caitlin, your problem is that you don't understand men.
All they're interested in is sports, booze, and women.
Wow, you even got the order right.
Caitlin, can I give you a little advice? No.
And to top it off, I have to go to a baby shower tonight.
What's wrong with that? Everyone there will be married with a family except for me.
I'll go with you.
But I have to be back home by 10:00.
Why? "Fight club" is on.
Every paper has a negative story about us at the mansion.
Don't they have anything else to write about? Yeah, don't they know that crime is up? Turn the page.
There you go.
Sir, if I may, maybe you and judge Simmons should find some place other than Gracie mansion to spend your couple time.
It's the only place we can go to get away from reporters.
If we go to my place, they're there If we go to a restaurant, they're there.
People are always chasing after us, just like that poor princess.
Diana? No Leia.
Sir, we are in the middle of an election.
It might be wise to take some time off from each other.
I don't think we should let public opinion dictate our relationship.
I mean, what's the worst that could happen? The mayor could lose the election.
Fine then he'd have more time to focus on his driftwood sculptures.
Just go with it she digs artists.
Randall, whatever you decide, I'll support whether you're the mayor or a sculptor or even if you go back to being a Navy seal.
Bye.
I've used that one.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
So, sir, can you and Claire spend some time apart? Charlie, I've waited a long time to find a woman like that.
The wine of my love has been uncorked.
I've got to let it breathe.
Well, sometimes you appreciate wine more if you haven't had a drink for a while.
What if she goes looking for another vintage? Something more fragrant With a larger penis? I've said too much.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Yeah.
Guys, there's someone I'd like you to meet.
This is Shelly, my publicist.
You hired a publicist? Well, after that "New York one" experience, I decided it was time to improve my image.
I want the public to know the real me.
Paul, the fact that people don't know the real you is your strongest asset.
Starting tomorrow, we'll take this town by storm.
Oh.
Check out the getaway sticks on blondie.
Paul I can't believe I'm going to say this you're too big for this guy.
Shelly's gonna make me one of the most recognizable men in this city.
How much are you paying him? I give him 5% of my earnings and I drive him to the doctor twice a week.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Sir, I need your signature on this letter.
I really miss Claire.
It's been eight hours.
That's like three full workdays.
Oh, it's almost 2:00.
RADIO D.
J.
: Next up, I've got a special request.
Running a city is a lonely job especially without your lady.
So this one's going out from the mayor of love town to judge Claire bear.
BREAD: * baby, I'm-a want you * * baby, I'm-a need you * * you're the only one I care enough to hurt abo * t nothing tugs on your heartstrings like a group of men singing like women.
Sir, I don't want you to be unhappy.
If you have to see Claire, just be discreet.
Maybe take her out of town or go to a friend's house.
That's good advice, Charlie.
I feel better already.
* Used to be my life was just emotions passing by * * emotions passing by I'm gonna go now, sir.
* feeling all the while, but never really knowing why * mmm Peaches and apricots.
No, wait peaches and strawberries? Right! Oh, good.
Okay.
Now your turn.
Mm! Mm! Mm! Could be squash.
Hmm, there's a hint of fennel With a white truffle infusion.
It's stewed peas.
I was getting there.
Okay, now let's open the gifts.
[BABY TALK.]
Look at the little baby booties.
Look at the little, little What happened to my friends? They used to be intelligent, independent women.
They get near a baby and they lose all ability to speak.
Ooh, look at the baby booties, booties, booties.
Baby booties, oh.
If I ever talk like that, you have permission to slap me.
I have to go to the ladies' room.
Can you hold Jackson? Oh, I don't know if I'm comfortable oh, you'll be fine.
Oh.
Oh, you know what? I don't think he likes me very much.
You want me to take him? That's a good idea.
Oh, whoa, whoa, wait a minute.
Oh, my gosh.
You're smiling at me.
Yes, you did! Yes, you did! Oh, what a little cutsie, wootsie baby! I'll slap you when you put the baby down.
Oh, he's such a little angel.
Oh.
I'm back.
Thanks, Caitlin.
No, I'm fine.
No, really, I'd like him back.
Oh, you get him all the time.
That is a gorgeous baby.
Thank you.
Thank you.
And Baseball.
[CROWD CHEER.]
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Sir, what are you doing here? Remember when you said Claire and I needed to be more discreet maybe go to a friend's house? Yeah.
Hey, friend.
What's rags doing here? I thought he was shooting a dog-food commercial.
Carter stormed off the set over creative differences.
Rags isn't going to play second fiddle to some Taco-eating chihuahua! You know what rags needs? A good publicist.
"Shelly hallerman "for all your u.
S.
O.
Needs.
Our performers will fly to Korea.
" Keep it.
Hey, Charlie, how about that game last night?! I didn't see it.
The mayor came by with Claire and "Claire bear" wanted to watch the food network.
But don't talk about the game I taped it.
Oh, Charlie, Charlie Claire and I really appreciate you letting us hang out at your place last night.
My place is your place.
Great, 'cause I had a key made.
Oh, listen by the way, I had your security code changed to my birthday Easier for me to remember.
When is your birthday, sir? Oh, Charlie, you don't need to get me anything.
I'm already staying at your place.
Carter, thank you for coming to the baby shower with me.
You didn't want to go and you ended up having a great time.
But it was more than that.
It really made me think.
In fact, I've got some big news.
Is it bigger than the mayor and his girlfriend moving into my apartment? I'm having a baby.
So, yes.
You're pregnant? No.
Phew! Why are you so relieved? We never had sex.
Force of habit.
Caitlin, when did you make this decision? When I was holding Jill's baby, it made me realize what I'd been missing.
Drool? 'Cause if that's what you're missing, just go wink at Stuart.
So, you're planning to have a baby by yourself? Why should I hold up my life for some man I may never meet? There are other options.
Yes, there are.
And I want you to know it would be an honor to impregnate you.
I can assure you the experience will be fast and efficient.
Your pleasure will be minimal And I will only be as excited as is necessary.
I'm flattered.
But it's my responsibility as a woman to make sure you never reproduce.
Point taken.
I think this is wonderful.
Imagine being responsible for another person, feeding them, cleaning up after them, laying their clothes out in the morning.
I have that now with the mayor.
It ain't that great.
So, Carter, I'm not crazy, right? I can do this.
Absolutely.
I've just never taken care of anyone before.
Why don't you take rags for a couple of days? He might give you a sense of what it feels like to be a parent.
How? If you can take care of him, a kid will be a breeze.
Fine.
Hand him over.
Great! These are his medications.
Now, the green one gives him a healthy coat.
The yellow one is for his eyes.
And the red one is for his tooth.
Shelly and I just closed a major deal this morning.
By this time next week, every bus in this city is gonna have a 5x10-foot photo of my face on it.
So it'll be actual size? Ha ha, what, are you jealous, Mr.
small potatoes? You're looking at the spokesman for the department of education's new ad campaign, and look This is my first check.
How much? I will put it in terms that you can understand, Stuart.
It's roughly 35 lap dances.
$723?! Here comes the choo-choo.
Chugga chugga chugga chugga, chugga chugga chugga chugga.
Why won't you eat? You're acting crazy.
Yeah, the dog's the crazy one.
Lower your voice.
Why? Rags is finicky.
He won't eat if there's too much noise.
Are you kidding me? The dog is deaf.
Those ears are completely decorative.
Watch this.
Aaaaaaaaaaaahh! [SILENCE.]
Stop it! You don't know what I've been through with this dog.
He wouldn't take his bath, he won't take his pills, and now I can't get him to eat.
Eat, rags, eat.
Keep it up he won't call you when he gets to college.
It's not so easy.
You try getting him to do something.
I'm sorry I'm not being that understanding.
Thanks to the mayor, I haven't slept in two nights.
The guy is totally in my space.
Charlie, you have to talk to him before it gets out of control.
It's the first time the guy's been happy in years.
Do you want me to crush him in the middle of an election? [PAGER CHIMES.]
That's probably him paging me.
I got a meeting to go to.
Where's my pager? Oh, it was on the table next to rags.
[PAGER CHIMES.]
I've got an emergency.
My dog just swallowed a pager.
Are you sure? [PAGER CHIMES.]
I'll get a doctor.
Oh, God, please be okay.
What happened? Oh, well, I had three horrible dates last weekend, and I went to this baby shower with my friend Carter, and I thought I wanted a baby, so I took rags, and Charlie screamed at him, and then he ate a pager, and now I'm never going to be a mother! Dogs swallow things all the time.
Doctors will get that out in minutes.
Now, just take some deep breaths.
That helps.
When I was in law school, this guy ate the passenger seat to my v.
W.
Rabbit.
Really? So you're a lawyer.
That restaurant was great, Charlie.
Well, the night isn't over.
Are you interested in some soft music and a little wine? No, but I'd like to fool around.
Let's go with yours.
CLAIRE: Hey, Charlie.
You're just in time for some cheese fondue.
It's a lot of fun.
But what a mess, huh? See? That keeps happening.
Charlie, I have to get up early.
Why don't I go and you stay here and hang out with your parents? They're not my parents.
Good night, Mr.
and Mrs.
Crawford.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Hey, pull up a seat we'll start a new jenga.
No, I think I'll just go to my room and watch the tape of last night's game.
Was that labeled "yankees/ Red Sox, do not erase"? Yes, it was.
Why? Well, we accidentally taped over it.
But if you want to watch "Dawson's" later, you're good to go.
Get out.
What? Get your stuff, get your fondue, get your jenga, get out.
Charlie, it was just a baseball game.
It's not just the game.
It's my apartment.
This isn't city hall.
This is my home.
I've got hot cheese.
Put the cheese down, Claire.
We're leaving.
All right.
You can have your keys back.
I won't be bothering you anymore.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
I feel like such a failure.
All I had to do was take care of rags for one day, and I couldn't do it.
Who am I kidding? I am not ready for this.
Don't give up so easily.
You had one crisis.
You handled it well.
When I was at the hospital, I was freaking out and and there was this really nice guy that helped me through it, and it made me realize that when I have a baby, I don't want to do it alone.
Okay.
No, I-I-it makes it makes sense.
What's wrong? I got to admit I'm a little disappointed.
I thought if you had a child, I could do everything that a father does, you know Take the kid to the salon Dance class, shopping And if it was a girl, I could learn.
Carter, have you ever thought about having a baby yourself? It's crossed my mind.
But it would never work.
I mean, I'm single, I have a career.
Besides, do you know how hard it is for a gay man to adopt? Those are just excuses.
You're a born nurturer.
Right now there is a kid out there who would be so lucky to have you as their dad.
You really think so? Of course.
You've had enough practice.
You treat that dog as if it were a child.
One time, I made him little pants.
Hello, Charlie.
I want to apologize on behalf of both of us.
Sometimes Randall can be a little insensitive.
Hear! Hear! He grew up with a silver spoon, and quite frankly, he can be selfish.
Guilty as charged.
People give, he takes.
And takes And takes And ta let's wrap this up.
Charlie, I really am sorry.
Charlie, I really meant Everything that Claire said.
I guess I should apologize, too.
I did overreact last night.
If I was bothering you, why didn't you just say something? I mean, you of all people know how oblivious I am to other people's suffering.
It's not my style to complain especially to my boss.
I'm not just your boss, I'm your friend.
And friends should be able to tell each other anything even if it's bad.
Now, come come on.
Tell me something I don't want to hear.
Let's not go down this path.
I'll go first.
Um [Clears throat.]
Charlie, sometimes you go a little nuts with the hair gel.
Okay.
See? Ha ha.
Sir? Uh-huh? "Furthertheless" is not a word.
Stop using it.
You breathe too loud.
I don't like it when you talk to me at the urinal.
You come in late every day.
That's you.
Oh, yeah.
I don't think this is helping.
No, this is good as mayor, I'm constantly surrounded by people who tell me what I want to hear.
I've got a million friends But not a lot of close friends.
I was hoping you could be one, Charlie.
I'd be honored.
And I'll try to be one, too.
Hey, buddy.
Tell you what I'll buy you a drink at my favorite cigar bar.
Uh, to be honest, sir, cigar bars are pretty lame.
Crawford, I'm your boss.
I'll see you at the Cuban room in 20 minutes.
Charlie, Carter has big news.
Is it bigger than the mayor and Claire leaving my apartment? I'm gonna have a baby.
I gotta stop asking that question.
Oh, what is with the hat? I'm incognito.
Why? When the buses with my face on it hit the streets, I'm gonna be an instant celebrity.
You're gonna wish you were me.
Sit, ubu, sit.
Good dog.
(BARKING) Moo.