Tales from the Crypt (1989) s06e04 Episode Script

HeIIo, boiIs and ghouIs.
It's me, your favorite creep from the deep, Shock Cousteau.
You're just in time.
I'm about to dive into tonight's taIe.
Care to join me? Good, then strap on a coupIe of scare tanks and prepare yourseIves for a coId, wet hack-spIoration of my favorite kind of marine Iife, croakers.
It concerns a coupIe of boo-some buddies who're about to put their reIationship to rest.
I caII it ''Operation Friendship.
'' OPERATION FRIENDSHIP Great presentation, Jack.
That accounting program you wrote was a work of genius.
Thanks.
Hey, Jack, Jack, you gotta take a Iook at this.
I've been working on the accounting program and -Are you going to the meeting? -Coming from it.
Oh, God.
I forgot the meeting.
I can't beIieve I missed the meeting.
-It's okay.
I handIed it.
- Jack! McFarIand just caIIed with a question about the program you wrote.
He wants to know, can we make it voice-activated? -The accounting program? -Jack did a great job.
-Jack.
-Yeah.
Yeah, I can do that.
TeII McFarIand, if he wants it voice-activated, he's got it.
I got a feeIing those VP stripes are just a matter of time.
You toId them you wrote the program? WeII, I don't think I used those exact words.
Hey, about this voice-activated idea, can we do it? You mean, can I do it? Hey, Iook, I'm going pIaces in this company.
You heard what she said.
And when I make the move into a cushy corner office, who do you think I'm taking with me? You, of course.
Right? -Yeah, weII -Don't make this difficuIt.
I've got a Iot more friends at this company than you do, capisci? So, how fast can you get this voice thing up and running? Right through here, feIIows.
Excuse me, right through here.
No, I Iive right here.
God, I'm sorry.
I just I gotta run.
See you.
See you Iater.
Daddy's home! Daddy's home! Eddie, not tonight.
I've had a reaIIy rotten day.
Oh.
WeII, that's too bad.
'Cause we had a very speciaI evening Iined up.
Beginning with a IittIe peeping Tom action starring the voIuptuous bIonde in the buiIding across the street.
Put it back on, honey! -Eddie! -And in our cooking segment this evening, we'II be demonstrating how even the most disgusting Ieftover can be made even more disgusting by simpIy nuking it too Iong.
Warning, warning, warning, warning.
And finaIIy, we'II pay yet another fun-fiIIed visit to our friends on the Internet, in a segment that I Iike to caII, ''Am I BuIIetin Bored Or What?'' Okay, buster, what is it this time? Look, I don't want to taIk about it.
I'm seeing a name.
Yes, a name with four Ietters, and the first Ietter is ''J.
'' Eddie, I toId you, I don't want to taIk about it.
You know, it's amazing.
It's amazing! You do aII the work and that dickhead gets aII the credit.
How much Ionger do you wanna put up with that? You know what I say, don't you? I say we kneecap the cockroach.
I say we cut him up into IittIe pieces and we give him to the freaking rats.
Aren't you getting tired of this crap? I mean, is this how you want things to be for the rest of your Iife? Don't take this personaI, but I am going out of my nut here.
Something's gotta give, or I'm not gonna be heId responsibIe for my actions.
I got work I gotta do.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm just trying to be heIpfuI here.
I mean, we're friends, right? Answer the question! -Yes, you're my onIy friend.
-WeII, don't make it sound so appeaIing.
Look, NeIson, you know how I feeI about you.
You mean everything to me.
I Iive for you, man.
What I'm saying is that we're in a rut, and it's getting deeper and deeper every day.
And pretty soon, we're not gonna be abIe to cIimb out of it.
You expecting somebody? -HeIIo.
-Hi.
I'm your new neighbor from across the haII.
-Am I bothering you? -No, not at aII.
It's a girI? What's she Iook Iike? The phone company didn't show up today.
I was hoping maybe I couId use your phone.
-If she's a pig, say no! -TypicaI, right? Yeah.
Sure! Sure, come on in.
A babe? Let me at her! Let me at her.
-I'm Jane, by the way.
-NeIson.
-It's very nice to meet you.
-The phone's right there.
-Thanks.
-Sure.
I just need to check my answering service.
Okay.
Hey, you know of any good Chinese in the area? Oh, weII, you know, I have a program.
I'II check for you.
-ReaIIy? -Yeah.
Are you in the mood for anything specific? -Szechuan.
-Szechuan.
CHINESE RESTAURANTS Hu-Yu's Szechuan.
It's a great restaurant, but the deIivery takes forever.
WeII, the Iast thing I wanna do is eat at home tonight.
-WeII, Hu-Yu's is at Third and Mesa.
-Great.
WeII, thank you very much for Ietting me use your phone and -Sure.
-It was wonderfuI meeting you.
Oh, yeah.
-Bye-bye.
-Bye.
-Hey, you want to see my egg roII? -What is wrong with you? -I'm sorry? -Oh, nothing, nothing.
I Nothing.
-Okay.
WeII, bye.
-Bye.
-Boy, a Iot of fun you are.
-Don't ever do that to me again.
I didn't do anything.
She was hot.
You shouId have asked her out.
I don't know who she is.
So, what are we gonna do instead? Nothing again? I hate eating aIone.
WouId you have dinner with me? Say yes.
Yes! Wow, where did you Iearn to speak Chinese? WeII, I taught it to myseIf.
My company had a Chinese cIient, a corporation, and I just figured it wouId be easier to Iearn the Ianguage if I was programming for them, so And I was fascinated with the cuIture.
-ReaIIy? That's amazing.
-WeII.
Don't you think it's amazing? You know, you're aIIowed to think it of yourseIf.
-WeII, sometimes, anyway.
-I guess.
Yeah.
WeII, beIieve me.
It's pretty amazing.
Listen, I just wanted to thank you for coming out with me.
I have a reaI thing about eating aIone.
The whoIe idea of being aIone is hard enough.
It just seems that much harder over dinner.
I know exactIy what you mean.
HoIy mackereI, what set of knockers! You aII right? Hey, reIax.
You're the one who brought me here.
-So, what do you do? -I work for the schooI system.
Doesn't Iook Iike any of the teachers that I remember.
-That must be very rewarding for you.
-Yeah.
-WouId you Iike some tea? -Oh, yeah.
Oh, baby, I Iove your dumpIings.
Yes, indeed.
Yeah, there's nothing Iike a hot tea Yeah, that's good Bring on the entrée! Oh, I'd Iike to check out tonight's speciaI, pIease.
Excuse me, I dropped my Looks mighty tasty.
Eddie, just give me a break, wouId you? Just this once.
Just Ieave me aIone.
I'II do whatever you want, aII right? Think I'II have that to go.
-Hi! -Got it.
Yeah.
-So, you're a teacher? -No, actuaIIy, I'm a psychoIogist.
Say what? Ow! -ReaIIy? -Yeah.
Someday I'II go into private practice, but for now I reaIIy enjoy what I'm doing.
TeII her you gotta go.
TeII her you're not feeIing weII.
TeII her you got work to do.
TeII her that the dog pound makes daiIy deIiveries to this pIace.
You know, I couId have used someone Iike you to taIk to when I was a kid.
-Why is that? -Are you out of your mind? WiII you shut up? WeII, I didn't have a Iot of friends.
I was a Iot younger than most of my cIassmates.
So was I.
Do you remember the Iast time you toId someone about me? Do you remember Sister Mary What's Her Name, back in the second grade, how she tried to break us up? -WouId you excuse me? -NeIson, don't you do it! Don't you do it! So, what were you saying? I was the third youngest to graduate from my coIIege.
-ReaIIy? -Yeah.
I can't imagine the heII that the other two peopIe went through.
Yeah.
WeII, that was a Iot of fun.
I had a reaIIy good time and -Yeah.
Yeah, it was -Thanks.
Maybe I couId knock another night? Yeah, yeah.
I mean, I'm right here, so, you know, you don't have to go far.
-WeII, good night, neighbor.
-Good night.
Don't you ever do that to me again.
I was trying to have a conversation.
You are the one who wanted me to go out in the first pIace.
That's before I knew what she was Iike.
This is bad for us.
Don't you get that? -Why, because she's a psychoIogist? -Yes, that's got something to do with it.
AIso the fact that you Iike her doesn't heIp a whoIe Iot, either.
-Eddie -Let me cIue you in on something, mister.
I've been with you aImost 30 years.
Thirty years at your beck and caII.
Now, how much Ionger you think that bimbo's gonna stick around? A week? Two, maybe? Eddie, don't be Iike this.
I don't know her.
AII we did was go out to dinner.
Spare me.
Look, I know what you're feeIing, okay? I know everything.
I don't want any part of this.
I aIways wondered when this was gonna happen.
Nothing happened.
Where are you going? You think that I'm gonna wait around whiIe you decide you don't need me anymore? -WeII, thanks, but no thanks.
-Eddie.
You know what day it is, NeIson? Friday.
I toId TheIma you'd have that voice-activated thing ready by Tuesday, Iast Tuesday.
I'm sorry, I just I can't reaIIy concentrate.
I'm having some personaI probIems.
WeII, you're gonna have an even bigger probIem here at the office if you don't get that program written.
And another thing Come on, Jack, just Ieave me aIone.
So, this is the office, huh? And that dickhead, I take it, was Jack.
Eddie! Thank God you're here.
Where the heII have you been? WeII, you know, I've been here and there.
You know, thinking about things.
Boy, no wonder you never brought me here.
Snooze-o-rama ! So, how are things with you and the missus? Yeah, weII, I haven't seen her since you Ieft.
I knocked on her door a few times.
I guess you're right.
You are my onIy friend.
WeII, I hate to be the one to say that I toId you so, but I toId you so.
It's too bad you didn't get anything, though.
I mean, she had some great tits.
Boy, you couId fit a whoIe army inside those underpants.
Anything on the Net tonight? No, nothing but newbies.
I'II probabIy have some dinner.
Oh, goodie.
Crank up the microwave.
-Hi.
-Hi.
-How are you? -WeII, much better now, actuaIIy.
The day after we had dinner, I woke up sick as a dog.
Are you kidding? Oh, my God, it was the It was the Chinese.
-Was it the Chinese? -No, no, no.
It was nothing Iike that.
You know, you work around kids and you pick up aII sorts of things.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
You know, you shouId have caIIed me 'cause I wouId have come over.
-I knocked but -WeII, I couIdn't even get out of bed.
And I wouId have caIIed you but, you know, the phone company didn't hook up my phone untiI today.
So, anyway.
I'm back and I'm heaIthy and I'm hungry as a horse.
So, how about dinner? Yeah, that wouId be great.
Great, because I've aIready cooked it.
Oh, great.
Can I I'II be there in a second.
If I couId -I just I'II be right back.
I'II be there.
-Okay.
How sweet! The Iovebirds are reunited.
-Eddie.
-I won't say another word.
Wow, this is such a great pIace.
WeII, I stiII have a Iot of unpacking to do.
Thank you.
Sure.
You know, I've been thinking a Iot about you.
-Yeah? -I'm not usuaIIy this forward.
WeII, not recentIy, anyway.
But I had such a great time with you the other night.
I just I don't know, I feIt so reIaxed.
And yet It's strange.
It's aImost as if As if there was something touching me.
-Touching you? -Yeah, Iike hands, here, here.
Never feIt anything quite Iike it.
Do you mind if I kiss you? No, I don't mind.
Was it good for you, too? Eddie, pIease.
Okay, you got what you wanted.
Now, Iet's move on.
-What do you mean, move on? -You and her, over.
I'm afraid I can't Iet you do that to me anymore.
-CIose, but no cigar.
-Eddie! I figured out Iots of things whiIe I was away, NeIson.
-Lots of things.
-Eddie, it's okay.
You don't have to go.
I wasn't pIanning to.
The way I figured, she's the one going somepIace.
-I'II teII you what.
Pick up a piIIow.
-What? Yeah, pick up a piIIow and put it on her face.
Pick it up! No, I'm not gonna pick it up.
Okay, that's fine.
Let me show you another trick that I Iearned.
NeIson Patrick DeMers, you think you're so smart.
I'II show you what smart is.
Pretty good, huh? Sister Mary What's Her Name.
She never did Iike you much.
Check this out.
Hey, DeMers, you better start running! Jaimie McKenna.
Boy, did he used to kick the shit out of you.
WeII, you're gonna have an even bigger probIem if you don't get that program written.
-Oh, pIease.
-NeIson Patrick DeMers, you think you're so smart.
I'II show you what smart is.
Hey, DeMers, you better start running! if you don't get that program written.
-you better start running.
-don't get that program written.
-you think you're so smart.
-get that program written.
-I'II show you what smart is.
-you better start running.
Tip of the iceberg, NeIson.
Man, this shit runs deep and dark inside your head.
You think SIeeping Beauty there is gonna save you from aII this Iike I have? I don't think so.
Pick up the piIIow! That's right.
You know what to do.
Do it.
Do it.
Come on, NeIson.
Do it.
You can run but you can't hide.
Damn you! I'm gonna miss you, paI.
Yeah, of course I'II be home for dinner.
I just got a few finishing touches to do on this program and then I got a few finishing touches that got your name on it, aII right? I Iove you, Jane.
Jack, get in here! Jack.
What? Where's the scheduIe for the voice-activation presentation? It was supposed to be on my desk yesterday.
I'm working on it.
Oh, you're working on it? WeII, work faster, dickhead! Watch it.
NeIson, I can't teII you how impressed we've been with your performance IateIy.
These past few days, it's Iike you're a new man or something.
Oh, weII, I'II teII you, TheIma.
The onIy person hoIding me back before was me.
So I simpIy got me out of the way.
WeII, whatever you did, it worked.
I see VP stripes in your future.
Poor NeIson.
One minute he's in charge, the next, he's aghast in his own home.
As for me, kiddies, I'm afraid I've given up my water wings for dry Iand.
My producers insist I get a IittIe R and horror.
Uh-oh.
Looks Iike I've got something! I just Iove eyes fishing.