The Goldbergs s06e04 Episode Script

1 Growing up, there was nothing better than the school field trip, that rare opportunity to skip your classes and head out on an adventure.
Yep, field trips were the best.
Boofaloo, come play I Spy! Unfortunately, my smother was always there.
I spy a handsome schmendrick I'm gonna squeeze all the way to the Liberty Bell! And this time, our trip was low on education and high on fun! We were going to Hersheypark! I can't believe we're finally going to Hershey, Pennsylvania! I hear the air there smells like chocolate! I hear the streets are paved with nougat! When you're over five feet tall, you're considered a Twizzler.
It means we can go on any ride.
Well, we can go on any ride.
Your mom always chaperones and there's no way she'll let you loose into Chocolate Town USA without her.
It's your own fault, dude.
The rest of us forced our parents to stop chaperoning years ago.
Yeah, all you got to do is lay down some clear boundaries with your mom.
Oh.
Uh, oh, is that all I got to do? Huh.
I didn't know it was so easy! Thank you, Clueless Chad! You get mean when it involves your mom.
My mom needs these field trips.
It's the only school opportunity she has left to painfully insert herself into my life.
Well, I told my mom, "No more! Dave Kim is a grown-up who doesn't need his mommy on some field trip! Now sign my permission slip and lay out my clothes!" That would never work for Adam.
All I know is that this ends today! [Stirring music plays.]
I've waited my whole life to eat eight pounds of chocolate, then ride crazy roller coasters till I hork.
I'm an adult man now and shall not be controlled.
It's time I finally face Beverly Goldberg once and for all! [Music ends.]
You're gonna lie to her, aren't you? Right to her face! What?! Hersheypark has been closed and our trip is off! Why are they trying to ruin our precious time together?! 'Cause of the Chocolate Wars.
You didn't hear about it on the news? No, I don't watch the news.
It aggravates your father until he throws his shoe at the TV.
It's those Fudge Barons at Nestle Megacorp.
They declared an all-out war on Mr.
Goodbar so they shut down the amusement park.
Screw those Chocolate War-Mongers! I just made a fresh batch of Oooey Gooey Fudgy Chewies.
[Chuckles.]
These always cheer you up.
Wow.
He's good.
Maybe the best.
I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless, I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day It was October 17th, 1980-something, the night of the annual Career Fair at William Penn Academy Hello, everyone, and welcome to Career Night.
[Coughs.]
No-one-cares! [Laughter.]
Okay, well, the joke's on you, mysterious cougher.
The path that you choose tonight will determine the rest of your lives.
Rest of our lives? Oh, man.
That sounds pretty permanent.
Lucky for you, you have your old man's noble profession of ophthalmology pre-selected for you.
You're so lucky! I have tons of questions about doctoring, Mister Dr.
Geoff's Dad! Okay, I see how passionate you are about medicine.
Come by the office and see for yourself what I do.
I call eyeball holder when you do a head transplant! Boom! I know that's not real science, but I'm still gonna take a walk.
How's it going? Well, my "rock star" booth is an obvious sham, but I'm broke and they got free food, so goin' good.
You? Well, my dad's pushing me into the eyeball game, so gross? Dude, you're at a career night.
If eye doctoring skeeves you out so much, then go find another job.
What? No.
I love the human eye, all squishy with its veins and mysterious, disgusting rings.
- Are you gonna hurl? - I might.
- Hey, you! - Me? Yeah, you! The kid who ate my corn on the cob.
Come here! That was one time two years ago.
How is that the only thing he remembers about me? He really likes his corn.
Why is your dad even at a school event? He finds a few idiots to move heavy crap for free and then he calls them interns.
[Sighs.]
Hey, niblets.
How would you feel about interning in the exciting world of new and recycled furniture sales? Um, maybe I guess.
You're hired.
And by hired, I don't mean I'm actually paying you.
Geoff! Get back to the booth! This young man's being very disrespectful to my anatomical eye models.
Check it out, I'm putting a giant eye in my pants! Chaperones, we'll meet here at 8:00 A.
M.
sharp to hit the Hershey Highway before it clogs up.
[Quiet laughter.]
All right, grow up.
What the hell, ladies and Vinny? What happened to our PTA meeting? We got bumped.
Mellor's talking to all the field trip chaperones.
Field trip? Doesn't he know the amusement park is closed indefinitely? What? The park is closed? Hello? Nestle pulled out of the Cocoa Accords.
There's been a travel advisory.
All non-essential personnel must steer clear.
Uh, Beverly? None of your insane words are true.
But that's not possible.
Adam swore to me that Reese's was literally blown to pieces.
Exactly.
You're the last person in the world he wants on a field trip.
But chaperoning is the one thing I'm still allowed to be a part of! Just feel lucky you made it to 10th grade, Bev.
Jackie cut me off in 8th grade.
Independence Hall.
6th grade, Freedom Trail.
5th grade.
Ben Franklin Museum.
Dave Kim told me to [Voice breaking.]
go fly a kite.
For me it was 3rd grade.
My Emmy is garbage.
But those field trips are my only window into Adam's day-to-day life.
Without them, how am I supposed to know how he's doing in school? You could just ask him when he comes home? Please.
Whenever I ask about his day, all I get is "Muh.
" Aw, you get actual sounds? I just get soul-destroying silence.
Well, you may all be fine with a frosty cold "muh" at the end of your day, but not Beverly Goldberg.
Coach, put me down for chaperone.
But your son made it clear you're the worst and you can't go.
Lucky for me, I have a way to get Adam to say yes to whatever I want.
It was true.
She really did.
Before parents could guilt their kids through texts or e-mails, my mom used the Guilt Letter.
These passive-aggressive tirades of manipulation were a true art form.
[Dramatic notes play.]
And if her words didn't get to you, the mom tears on the letter sure would.
Balls! I got to admit it, Cobby, you're the best pretend intern I've had yet.
I didn't realize how cool it was to run a business.
What do you mean? Your dad runs a whole eye doctoring business.
Yeah, but in our business, if we mess up, people will never see their children again.
The worst I can do around here is stain a loveseat.
Look, I don't want to get involved between you and your old man, mostly 'cause I don't care, but if eyes freak you out, I wouldn't do eyes.
What would I do with my life if not eye doctoring? I'm not involved, but do what makes you happy instead of being such a pushover all the time.
I know you're not involved, but, oh, man, I'm suddenly rethinking my entire future! Well, why don't you think about it while you bring that heavy-ass end table to the back room? [Chimes ring.]
Okay, you can take your son back now! He's been shadowing me all day.
In fact, I learned so much, Dr.
Lou said I don't have to go back tomorrow! Or ever again.
We'll play it by ear.
Oh, crap, it's my dad.
Hello, Father.
Geoffrey? Where were you all day? There was an outbreak of pink eye.
So gunky, bro.
Ew, bummed I missed it.
Ew.
Uh, I was learning about furniture here.
You spent the day learning another man's trade? Murray, how could you betray me like this? No betrayal.
I'm not involved.
Son, the only business you need to know is the one I'm handing to you.
But Mr.
G got me thinking that maybe I don't want it, right? Not involved.
Don't want it? What's he talking about, Murray? Look, all I know is this wonderful mentor of mine Notvolvd! told me to stick up for myself.
- So, I'll just say it.
- Not involved! I hereby reject all professional doctoring and modern medicine.
So what are you gonna do with your life? This? Furniture sales? Notvolvd! I'd rather do anything than eyes! Maybe I'll do computers or fitness or maybe I'll just start my own food delivery service! He wants to do food delivery instead of helping people see, Murray? Notvolvd! Come on! Yep, all my dad wanted was to stay out of Geoff's business.
Meanwhile, my mom had successfully guilted her way back into mine.
Hi, Mama.
I just wanted to say sorry and all.
- For? - For being a bad son and not appreciating the time you spent baking me in your belly.
And how will you make it up to me? Maybe you can chaperone the field trip? I'll have to move some things around, but I'll be there.
Now go.
Be a boy! My mom had guilted me into submission, but even better, she impressed her friends.
I don't understand.
How? I can't tell you that.
So you get to participate in Adam's school life as he frolics about with friends while the rest of us stay home and suck it? I'm sorry, Dave Kim's mom.
I just can't risk something this huge getting out.
I give you my word as a parent and as an esteemed kindergarten teacher.
I will say nothing.
- Same here! - Ditto.
Agreed.
Meet me in my basement at 1600 hours.
Take separate cars, don't let anyone follow you, and do not park on our street.
You're about to learn Beverly Goldberg's biggest secret.
[Quiet laughter.]
Hey! Why you guys looking all shady right now? - Nothing! - No big secrets here.
- We're normal.
- All good.
Carry on.
The time had come for my mom to teach her fellow parents a master class in the art of manipulation.
What I'm about to show you is the most lethal and powerful weapon in a yenta's arsenal.
The guilt letter.
You wrote eight pages on both sides? Yes.
Everything you're about to hear has been written by Beverly Goldberg and sent to her children.
This is all real.
"Adam, I gave birth to you, fed and nurtured you, dried your tears, and made you the center of my universe.
But the way you treated me today makes me regret it all.
" Wait, you really wrote this? Again, every word is 100% true.
"I don't know another human being on this earth who would treat their parent this way, especially four weeks before Mother's Day.
" That's how you started an actual letter? Oh, sweet, stupid Vincent Geary.
The opening is everything.
I call it the "Guilt Grabber.
" Oh, I got to write this down.
Wait.
You can't just copy what I say.
Once I teach you the basic structure, you have to find your own spiteful voice.
You have a whole structure? Of course I do.
Now, after the guilt grabber, you deliver your emotionally devastating thesis, wherein you single them out as the most ungrateful child the world has ever known.
"Not only am I ashamed to have such a cruel, selfish son, but I may never sleep again knowing how I failed as a mother.
" My God, who writes this? Literally me, no joke.
Next comes the body of the letter, in which you present the many hurtful specifics that demonstrate how much you've sacrificed for your baby.
"I haven't slept since you were born and gave my whole life to you.
Not once did I focus on myself.
I could have been a lawyer!" Again, something I actually wrote to my children.
Finally, we have the closer, where you remind your children that they, and they alone, are responsible for your early demise.
- Wow.
- I know, Serry Mirsky.
You finally have the tool to shame Emmy into being perfect like class valedictorian Aliza Goren.
[Laughing.]
She'll never be Aliza Goren.
Beverly, these crazy guilt letters are a game-changer.
Thank you for this amazing, hateful gift.
You truly are a genius of our time.
It's so nice to finally be recognized.
Quick, give me your paper.
Let's not waste these.
Your father ruined my son.
This morning, Geoffrey said he wanted to go to a liberal arts college like Vassar where he can find himself.
But you've mapped out the next 10 years of his life, which ends in him taking over your thriving practice.
All I ever wanted was an apprentice who cares, but now there's no one.
Geoff is as blind as a patient who needs a penetrating keratoplasty.
I know.
You rearranged the entire filing system, and my apprentice wasn't even here to see that.
This is worse than that one patient who had the viral eye infection of the retina.
Which I missed and you pointed out.
Thanks for that, by the way.
Enough is enough! You need an apprentice.
This is shameful.
I want the old Geoff back! And you'll get him back! As leader of the JTP, he has to do exactly what I say.
You will do exactly what I say, Schwartz.
- No.
- No?! Since when does he say no? Since I'm done being the doormat of the JTP.
But that's your role.
Each friendship group has a doormat, a leader, a Naked One, a tiny pocket man, and a lame Matt Bradley! Well, I'm done being the doormat.
I hereby change the structure of the JTP as we know it.
You can't change that! It's the structure of friendship! Oh, it's changed but good.
And as the new leader of the JTP, I demand a piece of your Gator Gum.
There's only one man here who needs Gatorade magically injected into their gum and it's me.
[Dramatic music plays.]
Oh, dang.
Geoff just swiped some of Barry's Gator Gum.
Oh, the Gator Gum is totally replacing the vital salts and minerals in Geoff's legs.
No! Stop hydrating with my Gator Gum! Those are my electrolytes! Dude, he just quenched his thirst with Barry's Gator Gum.
- Geoff is our clear leader now.
- Damn right I am.
I'm so freakin' fired up right now.
I'm gonna cut science class and go run around the park.
With no clear objective? That's crazy, dude.
No.
It's new Geoff.
- JTP! - JTP! New Geoff is exciting.
Yeah, man.
That science lab was, like, 30% of our grade, but new Geoff don't care.
And this is an act of war.
It's time I unleash my sister.
Hey, I wanted to - Barry sent you, didn't he? - Wow, yeah.
He charged into the kitchen all sweaty and angry, and I said I would come in here just to get rid of him.
Okay, well, why don't you go tell Barry that new Geoff is here to stay.
Okay, I'm really not in the loop, so what's happening here? What's happening is the new me refuses to be bossed around by his dad, his friends, and quite frankly, you! Me? I'm part of this now? Yeah.
I'm tired of folding your sweaters.
But I thought you liked the folding.
Does this answer your question? No-go.
I like new Geoff.
You like new Geoff? New Geoff is hot.
Good luck to you both.
As new Geoff wasn't backing down, our bus full of kids and lame chaperones was pulling up to Hersheypark.
Oh, you know what those chocolate kiss street lamps mean.
We're here! It was a brutal start.
But once the bus parked, we were free to explore Chocolate World without our lame-ass par Oh, balls! They're back again! I don't get it.
You all said you cut your parents off from chaperoning ages ago.
I did, but last night my mom wrote me this heartbreaking eight-page letter, and I caved.
Same here.
My dad even circled his tears on the paper.
My mom did the same thing.
Listen to this.
And when I literally die from the disappointment, please do not - visit my grave site.
- visit my grave site.
Lemme see those letters.
Look.
They're all the same.
See? My mom also has a hole in her heart the shape of me.
My mom has that same kid-shaped hole! This can only be the work of one woman, Beverly Goldberg.
What are we gonna do, man? I can't ever read another one of these.
I cried in my mom's bosom.
Her bosom! I'll tell you what we're gonna do.
We're gonna rise up against this reign of guilt and take back what is ours.
Chocolatier! We need chocolate-scented stationery STAT! Time to give our parents a taste of their own guilt.
[Whistle blows.]
Alright, hit the showers or generously spray on deodorant.
Schwartz, got a bunch of scoop balls that need scooping, so have at it.
- Nah, man.
I'm good.
- Excuse me? I'm tired of being Mr.
Pushover who always scoops the scoop balls after class.
As leader of the JTP, I say Andy does it.
Hey! He's not the leader of the JTP.
You don't have to do that, Andy.
But Geoff said I should.
Well, I say Geoff scoops the scoop balls! You scoop the scoop balls! I'm not scooping no scoop balls! Somebody scoop the scoop balls.
I'll scoop the scoop balls, okay? Don't you dare scoop the scoop balls, Matthew! Fine! You'll all scoop the scoop balls! Or better yet, [bleep.]
, why don't you scoop my [bleep.]
? Never in all my years in the gymanatorial arts have I ever been so blatantly disrespected.
I expected more from you, Mr.
Schwartz.
Anything to say before I decide your punishment? Yeah.
Why am I here? The kid's got his own dad.
Call him.
Yeah, but he's busy, and he'll be so mad.
But I'm busy and I'm mad.
You're mad? My jaw is seizing up with anger.
Dang it, Rick.
You got to chew some Gator Gum like a grown man and calm the heck down.
Follow me.
Oh, geez.
What the hell's wrong with you? Look, you're the one who set me on this new path.
We both agreed I'm not involved in any of this.
Just saying you're not involved doesn't make you not involved.
Look, I got my own idiot kids to worry about.
And you, you got a great dad who wants you to be a doctor.
You're the only one who let me be me, and now even you're taking it back.
Thanks for nothing.
It was time for us to take some sweet revenge on our chaperone parents.
- Sup.
- Sup yourselves.
Uh, it is our job as chaperones to make sure you stay safe, and that extends to sugar consumption.
Then it's a good thing we no longer accept you as school chaperones.
"Mother, I have clearly failed as a son.
" - What the hell is this? - It's a guilt letter, like the ones you taught your friends to write.
- [Gasps.]
They know! - You know? - We all know.
- Chad Hayward Kremp, please.
Think of me lying in my grave site.
That's my line.
What she said, but for me in my grave site.
Sorry, ladies and Vinny.
This field/guilt trip is over.
We had an agreement.
You were supposed to write your own letters, but then you go and copy mine?! I tried to write my own, Beverly.
I just couldn't be a scathing guilt monster like you.
If you don't mind, we're gonna head out to Chocolate Town USA.
Enjoy waiting on the boiling hot bus.
This is not the bus! I'm not riding my first roller coaster with my mom! We need to talk about your letter.
My letter?! You're the one who's manipulated me for years, and is that creaking normal? That's because you were shutting me out of your life, and, oh, we keep climbing.
Of course I shut you out! I'm a teenager! And yeah, this is higher than I thought.
Here, hold my hand.
Let Mama protect you.
Please, I'm gonna be just fine! I'm gonna die, aah! Aah! I am so angry and upside down! Where's the ground?! Aah, I was dead just now! I'm so scared! Well, I'm loving every moment of thi Ohh! Help! We need the coaster police! Where am I?! Aah! I'm so furious but I forget why! Aah! I'm blind! I am blind! [Gasps.]
So are we good? Did we resolve this? Maybe! I don't know anything anymore! Yes, I agree, and I love you, too.
[Music plays.]
Yeah, even though I blacked out from terror, I was still super fired up.
Adam, wait.
I've given you four hours of bus ride to cool off.
Trust me, that's not nearly enough.
Okay, so maybe it was a mistake for me to force my way on this trip.
Of course it was! My God, every other parent was fine not to chaperone.
Why not you? Adam, when you were little, I was your everything.
I'd hold your hand when I'd walk you into school, and you'd cry when I left.
Now when you walk through that door in the morning, you're just gone.
And when you come home, I get nothing.
C'mon, I tell you stuff.
Please.
At best I get a "muh.
" That's why I write the letters, so I can hear more, hear anything.
Okay, then.
I promise to give you more than a "muh" if you promise to stop with your crazy mom manifestos.
Guess I could cut back a little.
With you, I still have plenty of hurtful things to say to Barry and Erica.
That day, me and my mom were finally seeing eye to eye, and my dad decided to help someone see things more clearly.
If you're here for a discounted eye exam, forget it.
Not today.
I just thought maybe we could talk.
What's to talk about? Geoff was in trouble and called you, not me.
Look, I'm far from the kind of guy who should be giving parenting advice, but I have learned you can't plan your kid's life for them.
It's just always been my dream for him to follow in my footsteps.
I get it, but is it his dream? I guess not.
For what it's worth, whatever Geoff does with his life, I know he's gonna be amazing at it.
He's a good egg.
Tell you the truth, your son's not so bad, either.
Barry? You know, he's fantastic with the patients.
Kid's gonna be a hell of a doctor.
Maybe.
But I don't want to get involved.
She drives me crazy Ooh, ooh I see you're back to folding my sweaters.
Yeah.
The whole, uh, new Geoff thing, it's just not who I am.
Look, you don't know who you are, and that's okay, 'cause I don't know who I am, either.
C'mon, you've got it all figured out.
Dude, I have no idea what I'll end up doing with my life.
All I can do is follow my heart.
And I love seeing you finally doing the same.
[Clears throat.]
Sorry to interrupt.
I just wanted a word with Geoffrey.
Look, Dad, I don't want to hear about how I let you down.
It doesn't matter what I think.
It's your life, and I want it to be whatever you want it to be.
As long as it's not furniture.
Oh, God, no.
She drives me crazy Ooh, ooh Like no one else Boofaloo! How was your day? Muh.
And I can't help myself Actually, it was really good.
You want to hear about it? She drives me crazy When we're kids, it's natural to want to shut your parents out, but once you start opening up, you realize it can be pretty sweet.
Bev, I have one of your actual letters, and it's a smooth [Laughing.]
12 pages.
Now, I know they've told me they don't read the letters.
I don't believe them, because here's a letter that's 20 years old, and my son Adam still saved it.
"Not only am I ashamed to have such a cruel, selfish son, but I may never sleep again knowing how I have failed as a mother.
" Well, a little guilt doesn't hurt.
What can I tell you?