The Mindy Project s06e04 Episode Script
Leo's Girlfriend
1 Leo, what do you want for lunch today? You can have beef ribs or pork ribs.
I want a sensible salad with dressing on the side.
Ugh, the things your father teaches you.
- [door opens.]
- Annette, you're early.
Hey, can you please go make small talk with your grandma? I'll be out in a bit.
DANNY: It's not Ma, it's me.
And 45 minutes early, is early.
15 minutes early is on time.
- On time is late.
- That's really great, Danny.
Nice to see you.
Hey, what're you doing here? It's not Saturday.
Well, Ma wasn't feeling well, so I thought I'd take Leo to school because you got so much going on with your divorce and everything.
I'm sorry, Danny, I couldn't hear you through the walls of your glass house.
You were married for, like, two seconds longer than me.
I'm not getting a divorce.
I'm getting an annulment.
Totally different.
God's little eraser.
But you, there was Casey, me, and now nurse hair gel.
- What's his name? - His name is Bun.
Ben.
His name is Ben.
And that was my only divorce.
If I wasn't such a low-key nice person, I would point out that you've been divorced from basically every blonde woman in Manhattan.
- It was two.
- Okay.
Okay, enough.
I gotta get Leo to school.
- Is he wearing red? - No, why would he wear red? You know that hot colors wash him out.
The kids are doing their unit on gay pride.
Leo's the red in the rainbow.
Top billing.
Come on.
Do you not read your Bleecker Friends' weekly emails? It's just that they send 20 a day and they're all the same.
You know, like, "Blah, blah, blah, give money, something, something, Yom Kippur, lice.
" Yeah, last week we almost had to shave Leo's head.
For Yom Kippur? When will it end? Okay, look, Min, I know you and I are really busy, but I gotta tell you, Ma spends more time at school than you do.
People are starting to think she and I are Leo's parents.
Like I could ever score a beauty like that, mm.
Please don't bite your lip like that - about your own mother.
- I didn't bite my lip.
You did.
And I'll tell you who participates a hell of a lot in that school.
My checkbook.
It participates so much they should be asking it to speak at graduation.
Okay, I can see you're getting real agitated.
Probably because of your current romantic situation.
I am getting agitated because of my former romantic situation.
- Me? - Yeah, you.
Leo, let's go.
- Let me find him a red shirt.
- Please.
[theme music.]
[light music.]
Guys, I think my son might be a genius artist.
- Move over, Banksy.
- Who told you? I'm not Banksy.
Look at this incredibly cute drawing he did at school.
- I'm gonna put it on the fridge.
- So when Leo makes a drawing, it gets prime fridge placement, okay, but when I try to hang my art, everyone says it's pornographic? - Come on, guys.
- Blond hair, blue eyes, no calzone in her hands.
That's definitely not a drawing of you, Mindy.
- Hmm? - In the Okay, that's Leo's girlfriend, Daisy.
Have you met this Daisy yet? I mean, does she come from a compatible family? You know, new money? Shouty? I don't know her.
Maybe I should be spending more time at Leo's school.
I wouldn't worry about it.
My father was always away having his affairs and Mother stayed in her room talking to her mirror with the shades drawn, and I turned out great.
How much of that mug is bourbon? A mug never tells.
[laughs.]
All right, Morgan, this has been fun, but we should get back out there.
I feel like people are gonna start wondering where we are.
Or at least where I am.
Well, maybe we could get some lunch? My treat.
Blood bank called.
They are accepting my donations once again.
I guess I'm not sick anymore.
Ooh, I don't know about all that.
I feel like us going out to lunch together would be too much of, like, a date.
And why can't we go on a date? I really appreciate you helping me with my fertility treatments and helping me grow, but I think I respect you too much to continue having sex with you.
Come on! Ugh! Why does everyone have to respect me so much? And if you don't mind, please don't tell anyone about any of this.
You know I hate bossip.
Just as much as I love wossip.
All right, real quick.
I get it.
I hear you.
Can we still hook up once in a while on the side? No, no, that's what I just said.
I don't wanna hook up no more.
Here.
Got your lunch.
I ate the fries.
Ooh, my McCafe caramel macchiato.
- Come to mama.
- I mean, do I get one or? Well, they were supposed to just be - Well, just okay, thank you.
- Oh, by the way, there's a hysterical Catholic woman on the phone for you.
Oh.
It's Annette.
Hey, Min, Dot got into a fight at Cardio Strut.
She thinks she's good enough to be in the front row, - but she's not.
- You're just jealous 'cause the teacher gave me an adjustment.
You're just trying too hard to look sexy.
- It's not an effort.
- Look.
I am gonna be late for picking up Leo.
You know what, Annette, I'm gonna pick Leo up today.
I wanna meet this Daisy and make sure she's not after his money.
Are you sure you know where it is? Yeah, Annette, I know the name and address of my only son's school.
ANNETTE: All right.
Bleecker Friends Quaker School for Toddlers.
433 Astor Place.
Thank you, and I pick him up at, what, like, 7:00 or 8:00 tonight? 2:00.
My God.
[playful music.]
And we now have a new line of genetically modified sperm.
We call it Frankensperm.
Not to be confused with Al Franken's sperm, which we have a ton of.
I'm actually more interested in health, college education, and, if possible, telekinesis ability.
Hmm, I noticed you didn't say, "Has a big heart" - or "gap in teeth.
" - Shh.
Now, Miss Webb, would you like for the child to be able to contact the donor? Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I don't wanna confuse him or her.
Also, I want them to be able to make a documentary about this one day.
You don't want the kid to meet his dad? Do you want him to end up like me? Nah, man, the exact opposite.
Shut up.
I don't have time for this.
I have a 3:00 appointment with a very famous donor.
Robert Durst.
Louis ain't got no time to deal with this, Morgan.
He's New York's best spermmolier.
I am never doing anything nice for you ever again.
MINDY: Just go pick up my laundry.
Nothing would give me more pleasure.
Robert Durst, huh? I've seen Limp Bizkit three times in concert.
She means Fred Durst.
Morgan, I know what's gonna cheer you up.
Folding our briefs.
Yeah? Oh, we are gonna need more bleach on these.
- That's for sure.
- I don't wanna be cheered up, Colette.
I wanna be sad and left alone.
Anyway.
I was doing a load of laundry and I found this little gold necklace that says "Diva.
" Did some girl you bring over leave it here? - It looks familiar.
- Uh, no.
It's a birthday gift for you from me.
Really? I found it in your bedsheets.
I didn't think you were gonna like it, and I'm gonna return it and get you something much better.
- Oh, no.
- Okay, okay.
I love it.
I've never thought of myself as a diva, but now it's the only way I see myself.
I'm a diva, I'm a diva, I'm a diva - [dogs barking.]
- Shh, stop.
Hey, hey, they hate it.
They hate it.
[light music.]
Oh, hey, Dr.
Ledreau.
What're you doing here? I'm picking up my son, Sergio.
Your son? Say what? Oh, did you not know? I Schwarzenegger'd my cleaning woman.
You have a little kid.
That's so gro great.
- That's so great.
- Yep.
Best court ordered thing I've ever had to do.
Sergio, va-ma-nos.
Oh, hey, Leo.
Hi, sweetheart.
- How was school today? - Good.
Good.
I wanna meet Daisy.
I wanna see if the girl lives up to the drawing.
Daisy, Daisy.
Oh, there's my favorite guy! Coming back for another hug? How are you? You're getting so big.
[gasps.]
Oh.
Oh, hi.
Wait, you're a mom? You must be Dr.
Lahiri's nanny.
I'm Daisy.
Leo, why don't you go get your backpack.
- Thank you.
- Bye.
- Exsqueeze me.
- Mm? Why does my son refer to you, an adult woman, - as his girlfriend? - I'm so sorry.
Our kids are in the same class here, and I just I felt a need to take Leo under my wing.
I would see him standing there all alone while all the other kids were with their parents, and I really, it's it's been a pleasure.
- He's a very sweet little boy.
- Yeah, I know he's sweet.
I had gestational diabetes my entire pregnancy.
- Hmm.
- Oh, my God.
- Are you Leo's mom? - Mm-hmm.
Hi, I'm Ronald, a stay-at-home father by choice.
I'm Eunice Rhee.
I can't believe you're real.
I know, right? You are like our Loch Ness Monster.
[laughs.]
I am nothing like the Loch Ness Monster.
First of all, I can't swim.
Second of all, my neck is sort of short and thick.
Although, I have been known to be blurry in photographs.
I'm I'm so sorry, Dr.
Lahiri.
It's just you're never here at all, ever.
You're actually the only parent who hasn't volunteered.
For anything.
Okay, well, you will see me at the next event.
What is it? Bernie Sanders' birthday? Navajo Christmas? Sign me up.
Actually, our Japanese sister school, the Sliding Screen Shinto School for Pre-Businessmen, has sent us a beautiful cherry blossom tree to plant on the grounds.
I'm sorry and people actually wanna come to that? Oh, yeah.
Because I definitely want to.
I'm sure I'll gain in memories with Leo what I lose in lucrative billable hours.
That is wonderful.
The ceremony is tomorrow at 11:00, and you need to bring a homemade snack - for the whole school.
- Yeah, now some of the kids can't eat peanuts, but they can eat tree nuts.
But none of the kids can eat tree nuts if it's mixed with gluten.
However, one kid, Joey, - must have gluten or he'll die.
- Great.
Well, I love that Leo goes to school here, it was great meeting the three of you, I'm a good mom, I will see you tomorrow.
Where is my son? [light music.]
[door opens.]
[whispering.]
To the ah tick tock get up stop To the ah tick tock get up stop Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh I'm gonna knock you up Did I wait here for 20 minutes while you thought that up? Tamra, today is your insemination day.
Get ready for nine whole months of total strangers feeling entitled to rub your stomach.
Now all we have to do is one last ultrasound, to make sure that your eggs are ripe and juicy for the plucking.
You better stop.
You're being hella noony and I don't like it.
If my child grows up to pronounce "sensual" sen-su-al, I'm gonna sue you.
Of course.
Tamra, you have a gorgeous uterus.
Oh, no.
Looks like there's a sesame seed on the screen.
I had a bagel earlier.
It must have flown off in the ravaging.
That's not a sesame seed.
That's a baby.
Tamra, you're already pregnant.
[playful dramatic music.]
Hello, Tamra.
My women's rugby team is selling these candy bars to help send us to the 2020 Tokyo Olympics.
Not to play.
Just to hook up.
[laughs.]
Tamra, can you answer me? I'm a human being.
Can't you see I'm reeling right now? My poke bowl is untouched.
Ugh, everyone's in such a bad mood these days.
Morgan, you, Sean Hannity, the entire gay community.
Sorry, Colette, I just have a lot on my mind.
Well, do you wanna talk about it? I wanna talk about why you're wearing my diva necklace.
Huh? This is mine.
Morgan gave it to me for my birthday.
I found it in his bedsheets.
You know, maybe I didn't find it in the his sheets.
No.
Maybe I found 'em in, like [stammers.]
The streets.
Anyway, uh, good luck with your football thing or whatever.
Bye.
Bossip.
Hey, Jeremy, I have to go to that stupid tree event at Leo's school, so can you please bring in the homemade snacks? And please, please let them be good.
[door opens.]
Now, for all the food restrictions, I think I rather outdid myself.
They are meringues in the exact same color as the famed Japanese cherry blossom.
Oishi.
400 egg whites, my right hand has gone to gnarl, but to see the looks on those children's faces, oh Jeremy, you can't come.
I'm sorry, but today is about me and taking credit for your work.
Unless, of course, one of those cookies gets a kid sick.
In which case, you will probably go to jail.
[light music.]
[cell phone ringing.]
[sighs.]
Hey, Daisy, what's up? We are so looking forward to seeing you today.
Leo just said, "I hope she shows up" with the cutest little worried look.
Well, you can tell him that I will be there.
I don't wanna tell him something - that might not be true.
- I will be there! Oh, my God, Dr.
L.
I need to see you.
- It's an emergency.
- No, no, no.
I have something at my kid's school.
No, it's a medical emergency that we need to deal with right now.
Okay, okay, let's go, let's go, let's go.
- What is it? - I need you to act like you're going along with the insemination.
What? Why? You're already pregnant.
Oh, you can't get twins this way.
That only works for cats and the Irish.
I don't want twins.
Beyoncé owns that now.
I need plausible deniability.
I don't want the dad to know.
He is not father material.
Look, one day, you might be happy that the father is involved.
Danny and I certainly have our issues, but I'm glad he's around.
He's the only reason Leo knows - how to toss pizza dough.
- Please, Dr.
L.
You just have to trust me that it's best for me and my baby if the dad doesn't know.
Is it Marco Rubio? Terrence Howard? Ron Howard? Just stop.
You'll never guess.
I'll never guess.
- It's not Rumpelstiltskin.
- It's not Rumpelstiltskin.
Okay, well, I promise you.
I will keep your secret.
Oh, thank you.
Now I gotta go to a schoolyard and plant a tree.
Is that a euphemism for going to the bathroom? For once, no.
[playful dramatic music.]
Oh, Dr.
Ledreau! Dr.
Ledreau! Is it over? Did I miss it? Oh, yeah, everything, and I've never seen a more beautiful tree.
Sergio, we're out of here, bro.
[quietly.]
Oh, God.
Look who decided to finally show up.
You know, the kids were starving without their snacks.
We lied and told them it was Ramadan and we were fasting so at least it could be a teachable moment.
- Is that your snack? - It is.
It's actually traditional curly Indian bread.
That's very important because it is both delicious and religious.
This is a soft pretzel from the cart on the street corner.
And it looks like the salt has been licked off.
Oh, that's disgusting.
Hey, why are all the kids dressed up like trees? You were supposed to dress Leo up.
- It was in the email.
- The email? Okay, so was a 5,000-word remembrance of August Wilson.
- I don't have time to read that.
- "Fences" changed my life.
Not only did you not do a costume for your child, you put him in a T-shirt featuring the mortal enemy of the tree.
The beaver.
- That's bad.
That's awful.
- Mm-hmm.
And I am very sorry.
Just, guys, please forgive me.
I just got caught up at work.
Something really important came up.
We get it.
We all have jobs.
My job is to not have a job so that I can be there for my child, but recently, a lot of my work has been raising your child for you.
Exsqueeze me, bish? I'm sorry that you're so obsessed with my son.
Maybe it's 'cause your stupid kid isn't giving you what you need at home.
I'm talking hugs, son.
Oh, no you did not.
No.
You know what? You're not worth it.
Hmm.
[all murmuring.]
- Whoa! - Look out, the tree! [all yelp.]
I wanted you to get more involved in school, not punch a lady and destroy a tree.
Okay, to be fair, you never explicitly said that.
Also, I was provoked, but you know what, she's blonde, so you would have loved her, probably married her, - then divorced her.
- Annulled her, and I wouldn't, okay? I don't date women with kids.
- I don't need the hassle.
- Dr.
Lahiri, to be honest, I am not surprised by seeing you in my office again.
You know, Dr.
Green, I find it interesting that you singled out the parent of color simply because she hits people.
I just got off the phone with the Japanese Embassy.
They feel so dishonored by our actions today, they cut down the tree that we sent them - with a sword.
- Ah, not the syrup maple.
The syrup maple? I picked that out - at the Garden Center.
- Okay, I agree.
This is horrible.
You know what else is horrible? Getting shoved by Daisy Anderson - after she bullied my snacks.
- Dr.
Lahiri, we all know that you're going through some very personal problems lately.
Is this my divorce? He's going through - the same thing.
- Yes, and yet, Dr.
Castellano is handling it quite beautifully.
He's even found time to chaperone our Central Park Acorn Cleanup.
Okay, yes, Danny has been handling it very well.
He's a model parent.
You could learn from his example.
I guess it's possible I've let my personal issues - affect my child's life.
- The good news is that children are resilient.
They can overcome anything.
Even absentee mothers.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, that's that's a lot.
Okay, I think you're being unfair here.
Now, Mindy and I, we're both doctors, okay.
- Real doctors.
- I have a PhD in interior design from RISD.
Great.
That's great.
Good for you.
But this woman here, she still makes time to make breakfast for her son every morning or sing him to sleep every night.
I mean, how many preschoolers do you know that know all the words to Taylor Swift's "Red" album? Mindy is a great role model to our son.
And being a good mother, it means more than just volunteering at school, and by the way, the parents do an awful lot around here.
- What're we paying you to do? - I do a lot.
Fundraising, composing newsletters.
Okay, I think we're done here.
I gotta get back to work, and so does she.
[light music.]
Hey, today was your insemination day, right? Sure was, and it went great.
I can already feel things heating up down there.
- Mmm.
- Well, I got you these flowers - to say congratulations.
- Thank you, Morgan.
This is so sweet.
You know, Sheena only got me a copy of "Rosemary's Baby" with a note saying, "This is the best-case scenario.
" Tam, I'm sorry about the way I acted before.
I was just jealous of whoever gets to share something so special with you.
I shouldn't have said anything.
It's your business.
[chuckles nervously.]
Any kid would be lucky to have you as a mom.
Morgan, I have to tell you something.
That means a lot.
- Should I close the door? - both: No.
- Morgan, no.
- Happy Thursday.
- Happy Thursday.
- Yeah.
[chuckles.]
Bossip.
[quirky music.]
Aah! Please don't hit me.
Or if you do, just hit me on the lips, 'cause they're already numb from injectables.
Calm down, Mindy.
I'm not here to hit you.
I'm here to apologize.
- Apologize to me? - Mm.
Daisy, you know that I left an acrylic in your cheek from when I clawed you? Yes, I [sighs.]
I'm very sorry that I snapped at you earlier.
It's just, sometimes the pressure of being a perfect parent is just so great.
You know, we can't all be Ivanka Trump.
I know, I'd be way in over my head at G20.
That's a video game conference, right? Anyway I'm I'm sorry.
Yeah, me too.
And I should thank you for taking such good care of my son when I'm not able to.
Thank you.
I think sometimes I'm just jealous of the working moms.
I used to love my job so much.
I was a lawyer for the Justice Department.
- What? Oh, my God.
- Mm-hmm.
Is that as cool as it is in the movies? I mostly just helped the Bush Administration justify their torture policies.
Oh, my God.
"24" is my favorite show.
Did you see "Zero Dark Thirty"? - Yeah.
- Jessica Chastain played me.
Oh, my God.
She's amazing.
She blocked me on Twitter.
MINDY: I'm so behind on my reality TV.
I can't remember which one of these bitches I hate.
- [door opens.]
- Oh, thank God, Task Rabbit, you're finally here.
Can you please get me a soda from the fridge? I'm too lazy to stand.
Soda's bad for you.
You should only drink alkaline water.
Danny.
[gasps.]
Is that a pizza from Vincenzo's in Staten Island? I've always wanted to try it, but they only serve white people.
Just figured, after a stressful day you might want some pizza.
I wanted to say that I really appreciate what you said to Dr.
Green today.
You know, it's kind of nice knowing that you think I'm the greatest mom in the history of the world.
I didn't say that.
But I did mean what I did say.
I don't like that Dr.
Green guy.
I don't think his glasses are prescription.
Hm.
But hey.
Now that I'm going through a divorce, can I just say? It sucks.
I'm really sorry.
Yeah, well, I thought the second time would be easier, but nope.
Just more expensive.
Maybe I should have been a priest like that career test said.
You do love talking to old ladies.
Butter, ketchup and a bra? How am I supposed to make a salad with this? What? Why would you ruin a perfectly good pizza with a salad? How are you still alive? I am very healthy.
This is only the second time I've had pizza today.
Okay.
Here we go.
Oh, man, those racists make a good slice of pizza.
They're not racist.
They're old-fashioned.
Same thing.
Mmm.
[Rayland Baxter's "Yellow Eyes".]
BAXTER: There's a paperclip Resting on my countertop Sunday morning I forgot What it's like to lose a friend Yesterday how it seemed so far away And I've said all I can say Now it's time I get to going
I want a sensible salad with dressing on the side.
Ugh, the things your father teaches you.
- [door opens.]
- Annette, you're early.
Hey, can you please go make small talk with your grandma? I'll be out in a bit.
DANNY: It's not Ma, it's me.
And 45 minutes early, is early.
15 minutes early is on time.
- On time is late.
- That's really great, Danny.
Nice to see you.
Hey, what're you doing here? It's not Saturday.
Well, Ma wasn't feeling well, so I thought I'd take Leo to school because you got so much going on with your divorce and everything.
I'm sorry, Danny, I couldn't hear you through the walls of your glass house.
You were married for, like, two seconds longer than me.
I'm not getting a divorce.
I'm getting an annulment.
Totally different.
God's little eraser.
But you, there was Casey, me, and now nurse hair gel.
- What's his name? - His name is Bun.
Ben.
His name is Ben.
And that was my only divorce.
If I wasn't such a low-key nice person, I would point out that you've been divorced from basically every blonde woman in Manhattan.
- It was two.
- Okay.
Okay, enough.
I gotta get Leo to school.
- Is he wearing red? - No, why would he wear red? You know that hot colors wash him out.
The kids are doing their unit on gay pride.
Leo's the red in the rainbow.
Top billing.
Come on.
Do you not read your Bleecker Friends' weekly emails? It's just that they send 20 a day and they're all the same.
You know, like, "Blah, blah, blah, give money, something, something, Yom Kippur, lice.
" Yeah, last week we almost had to shave Leo's head.
For Yom Kippur? When will it end? Okay, look, Min, I know you and I are really busy, but I gotta tell you, Ma spends more time at school than you do.
People are starting to think she and I are Leo's parents.
Like I could ever score a beauty like that, mm.
Please don't bite your lip like that - about your own mother.
- I didn't bite my lip.
You did.
And I'll tell you who participates a hell of a lot in that school.
My checkbook.
It participates so much they should be asking it to speak at graduation.
Okay, I can see you're getting real agitated.
Probably because of your current romantic situation.
I am getting agitated because of my former romantic situation.
- Me? - Yeah, you.
Leo, let's go.
- Let me find him a red shirt.
- Please.
[theme music.]
[light music.]
Guys, I think my son might be a genius artist.
- Move over, Banksy.
- Who told you? I'm not Banksy.
Look at this incredibly cute drawing he did at school.
- I'm gonna put it on the fridge.
- So when Leo makes a drawing, it gets prime fridge placement, okay, but when I try to hang my art, everyone says it's pornographic? - Come on, guys.
- Blond hair, blue eyes, no calzone in her hands.
That's definitely not a drawing of you, Mindy.
- Hmm? - In the Okay, that's Leo's girlfriend, Daisy.
Have you met this Daisy yet? I mean, does she come from a compatible family? You know, new money? Shouty? I don't know her.
Maybe I should be spending more time at Leo's school.
I wouldn't worry about it.
My father was always away having his affairs and Mother stayed in her room talking to her mirror with the shades drawn, and I turned out great.
How much of that mug is bourbon? A mug never tells.
[laughs.]
All right, Morgan, this has been fun, but we should get back out there.
I feel like people are gonna start wondering where we are.
Or at least where I am.
Well, maybe we could get some lunch? My treat.
Blood bank called.
They are accepting my donations once again.
I guess I'm not sick anymore.
Ooh, I don't know about all that.
I feel like us going out to lunch together would be too much of, like, a date.
And why can't we go on a date? I really appreciate you helping me with my fertility treatments and helping me grow, but I think I respect you too much to continue having sex with you.
Come on! Ugh! Why does everyone have to respect me so much? And if you don't mind, please don't tell anyone about any of this.
You know I hate bossip.
Just as much as I love wossip.
All right, real quick.
I get it.
I hear you.
Can we still hook up once in a while on the side? No, no, that's what I just said.
I don't wanna hook up no more.
Here.
Got your lunch.
I ate the fries.
Ooh, my McCafe caramel macchiato.
- Come to mama.
- I mean, do I get one or? Well, they were supposed to just be - Well, just okay, thank you.
- Oh, by the way, there's a hysterical Catholic woman on the phone for you.
Oh.
It's Annette.
Hey, Min, Dot got into a fight at Cardio Strut.
She thinks she's good enough to be in the front row, - but she's not.
- You're just jealous 'cause the teacher gave me an adjustment.
You're just trying too hard to look sexy.
- It's not an effort.
- Look.
I am gonna be late for picking up Leo.
You know what, Annette, I'm gonna pick Leo up today.
I wanna meet this Daisy and make sure she's not after his money.
Are you sure you know where it is? Yeah, Annette, I know the name and address of my only son's school.
ANNETTE: All right.
Bleecker Friends Quaker School for Toddlers.
433 Astor Place.
Thank you, and I pick him up at, what, like, 7:00 or 8:00 tonight? 2:00.
My God.
[playful music.]
And we now have a new line of genetically modified sperm.
We call it Frankensperm.
Not to be confused with Al Franken's sperm, which we have a ton of.
I'm actually more interested in health, college education, and, if possible, telekinesis ability.
Hmm, I noticed you didn't say, "Has a big heart" - or "gap in teeth.
" - Shh.
Now, Miss Webb, would you like for the child to be able to contact the donor? Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I don't wanna confuse him or her.
Also, I want them to be able to make a documentary about this one day.
You don't want the kid to meet his dad? Do you want him to end up like me? Nah, man, the exact opposite.
Shut up.
I don't have time for this.
I have a 3:00 appointment with a very famous donor.
Robert Durst.
Louis ain't got no time to deal with this, Morgan.
He's New York's best spermmolier.
I am never doing anything nice for you ever again.
MINDY: Just go pick up my laundry.
Nothing would give me more pleasure.
Robert Durst, huh? I've seen Limp Bizkit three times in concert.
She means Fred Durst.
Morgan, I know what's gonna cheer you up.
Folding our briefs.
Yeah? Oh, we are gonna need more bleach on these.
- That's for sure.
- I don't wanna be cheered up, Colette.
I wanna be sad and left alone.
Anyway.
I was doing a load of laundry and I found this little gold necklace that says "Diva.
" Did some girl you bring over leave it here? - It looks familiar.
- Uh, no.
It's a birthday gift for you from me.
Really? I found it in your bedsheets.
I didn't think you were gonna like it, and I'm gonna return it and get you something much better.
- Oh, no.
- Okay, okay.
I love it.
I've never thought of myself as a diva, but now it's the only way I see myself.
I'm a diva, I'm a diva, I'm a diva - [dogs barking.]
- Shh, stop.
Hey, hey, they hate it.
They hate it.
[light music.]
Oh, hey, Dr.
Ledreau.
What're you doing here? I'm picking up my son, Sergio.
Your son? Say what? Oh, did you not know? I Schwarzenegger'd my cleaning woman.
You have a little kid.
That's so gro great.
- That's so great.
- Yep.
Best court ordered thing I've ever had to do.
Sergio, va-ma-nos.
Oh, hey, Leo.
Hi, sweetheart.
- How was school today? - Good.
Good.
I wanna meet Daisy.
I wanna see if the girl lives up to the drawing.
Daisy, Daisy.
Oh, there's my favorite guy! Coming back for another hug? How are you? You're getting so big.
[gasps.]
Oh.
Oh, hi.
Wait, you're a mom? You must be Dr.
Lahiri's nanny.
I'm Daisy.
Leo, why don't you go get your backpack.
- Thank you.
- Bye.
- Exsqueeze me.
- Mm? Why does my son refer to you, an adult woman, - as his girlfriend? - I'm so sorry.
Our kids are in the same class here, and I just I felt a need to take Leo under my wing.
I would see him standing there all alone while all the other kids were with their parents, and I really, it's it's been a pleasure.
- He's a very sweet little boy.
- Yeah, I know he's sweet.
I had gestational diabetes my entire pregnancy.
- Hmm.
- Oh, my God.
- Are you Leo's mom? - Mm-hmm.
Hi, I'm Ronald, a stay-at-home father by choice.
I'm Eunice Rhee.
I can't believe you're real.
I know, right? You are like our Loch Ness Monster.
[laughs.]
I am nothing like the Loch Ness Monster.
First of all, I can't swim.
Second of all, my neck is sort of short and thick.
Although, I have been known to be blurry in photographs.
I'm I'm so sorry, Dr.
Lahiri.
It's just you're never here at all, ever.
You're actually the only parent who hasn't volunteered.
For anything.
Okay, well, you will see me at the next event.
What is it? Bernie Sanders' birthday? Navajo Christmas? Sign me up.
Actually, our Japanese sister school, the Sliding Screen Shinto School for Pre-Businessmen, has sent us a beautiful cherry blossom tree to plant on the grounds.
I'm sorry and people actually wanna come to that? Oh, yeah.
Because I definitely want to.
I'm sure I'll gain in memories with Leo what I lose in lucrative billable hours.
That is wonderful.
The ceremony is tomorrow at 11:00, and you need to bring a homemade snack - for the whole school.
- Yeah, now some of the kids can't eat peanuts, but they can eat tree nuts.
But none of the kids can eat tree nuts if it's mixed with gluten.
However, one kid, Joey, - must have gluten or he'll die.
- Great.
Well, I love that Leo goes to school here, it was great meeting the three of you, I'm a good mom, I will see you tomorrow.
Where is my son? [light music.]
[door opens.]
[whispering.]
To the ah tick tock get up stop To the ah tick tock get up stop Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh I'm gonna knock you up Did I wait here for 20 minutes while you thought that up? Tamra, today is your insemination day.
Get ready for nine whole months of total strangers feeling entitled to rub your stomach.
Now all we have to do is one last ultrasound, to make sure that your eggs are ripe and juicy for the plucking.
You better stop.
You're being hella noony and I don't like it.
If my child grows up to pronounce "sensual" sen-su-al, I'm gonna sue you.
Of course.
Tamra, you have a gorgeous uterus.
Oh, no.
Looks like there's a sesame seed on the screen.
I had a bagel earlier.
It must have flown off in the ravaging.
That's not a sesame seed.
That's a baby.
Tamra, you're already pregnant.
[playful dramatic music.]
Hello, Tamra.
My women's rugby team is selling these candy bars to help send us to the 2020 Tokyo Olympics.
Not to play.
Just to hook up.
[laughs.]
Tamra, can you answer me? I'm a human being.
Can't you see I'm reeling right now? My poke bowl is untouched.
Ugh, everyone's in such a bad mood these days.
Morgan, you, Sean Hannity, the entire gay community.
Sorry, Colette, I just have a lot on my mind.
Well, do you wanna talk about it? I wanna talk about why you're wearing my diva necklace.
Huh? This is mine.
Morgan gave it to me for my birthday.
I found it in his bedsheets.
You know, maybe I didn't find it in the his sheets.
No.
Maybe I found 'em in, like [stammers.]
The streets.
Anyway, uh, good luck with your football thing or whatever.
Bye.
Bossip.
Hey, Jeremy, I have to go to that stupid tree event at Leo's school, so can you please bring in the homemade snacks? And please, please let them be good.
[door opens.]
Now, for all the food restrictions, I think I rather outdid myself.
They are meringues in the exact same color as the famed Japanese cherry blossom.
Oishi.
400 egg whites, my right hand has gone to gnarl, but to see the looks on those children's faces, oh Jeremy, you can't come.
I'm sorry, but today is about me and taking credit for your work.
Unless, of course, one of those cookies gets a kid sick.
In which case, you will probably go to jail.
[light music.]
[cell phone ringing.]
[sighs.]
Hey, Daisy, what's up? We are so looking forward to seeing you today.
Leo just said, "I hope she shows up" with the cutest little worried look.
Well, you can tell him that I will be there.
I don't wanna tell him something - that might not be true.
- I will be there! Oh, my God, Dr.
L.
I need to see you.
- It's an emergency.
- No, no, no.
I have something at my kid's school.
No, it's a medical emergency that we need to deal with right now.
Okay, okay, let's go, let's go, let's go.
- What is it? - I need you to act like you're going along with the insemination.
What? Why? You're already pregnant.
Oh, you can't get twins this way.
That only works for cats and the Irish.
I don't want twins.
Beyoncé owns that now.
I need plausible deniability.
I don't want the dad to know.
He is not father material.
Look, one day, you might be happy that the father is involved.
Danny and I certainly have our issues, but I'm glad he's around.
He's the only reason Leo knows - how to toss pizza dough.
- Please, Dr.
L.
You just have to trust me that it's best for me and my baby if the dad doesn't know.
Is it Marco Rubio? Terrence Howard? Ron Howard? Just stop.
You'll never guess.
I'll never guess.
- It's not Rumpelstiltskin.
- It's not Rumpelstiltskin.
Okay, well, I promise you.
I will keep your secret.
Oh, thank you.
Now I gotta go to a schoolyard and plant a tree.
Is that a euphemism for going to the bathroom? For once, no.
[playful dramatic music.]
Oh, Dr.
Ledreau! Dr.
Ledreau! Is it over? Did I miss it? Oh, yeah, everything, and I've never seen a more beautiful tree.
Sergio, we're out of here, bro.
[quietly.]
Oh, God.
Look who decided to finally show up.
You know, the kids were starving without their snacks.
We lied and told them it was Ramadan and we were fasting so at least it could be a teachable moment.
- Is that your snack? - It is.
It's actually traditional curly Indian bread.
That's very important because it is both delicious and religious.
This is a soft pretzel from the cart on the street corner.
And it looks like the salt has been licked off.
Oh, that's disgusting.
Hey, why are all the kids dressed up like trees? You were supposed to dress Leo up.
- It was in the email.
- The email? Okay, so was a 5,000-word remembrance of August Wilson.
- I don't have time to read that.
- "Fences" changed my life.
Not only did you not do a costume for your child, you put him in a T-shirt featuring the mortal enemy of the tree.
The beaver.
- That's bad.
That's awful.
- Mm-hmm.
And I am very sorry.
Just, guys, please forgive me.
I just got caught up at work.
Something really important came up.
We get it.
We all have jobs.
My job is to not have a job so that I can be there for my child, but recently, a lot of my work has been raising your child for you.
Exsqueeze me, bish? I'm sorry that you're so obsessed with my son.
Maybe it's 'cause your stupid kid isn't giving you what you need at home.
I'm talking hugs, son.
Oh, no you did not.
No.
You know what? You're not worth it.
Hmm.
[all murmuring.]
- Whoa! - Look out, the tree! [all yelp.]
I wanted you to get more involved in school, not punch a lady and destroy a tree.
Okay, to be fair, you never explicitly said that.
Also, I was provoked, but you know what, she's blonde, so you would have loved her, probably married her, - then divorced her.
- Annulled her, and I wouldn't, okay? I don't date women with kids.
- I don't need the hassle.
- Dr.
Lahiri, to be honest, I am not surprised by seeing you in my office again.
You know, Dr.
Green, I find it interesting that you singled out the parent of color simply because she hits people.
I just got off the phone with the Japanese Embassy.
They feel so dishonored by our actions today, they cut down the tree that we sent them - with a sword.
- Ah, not the syrup maple.
The syrup maple? I picked that out - at the Garden Center.
- Okay, I agree.
This is horrible.
You know what else is horrible? Getting shoved by Daisy Anderson - after she bullied my snacks.
- Dr.
Lahiri, we all know that you're going through some very personal problems lately.
Is this my divorce? He's going through - the same thing.
- Yes, and yet, Dr.
Castellano is handling it quite beautifully.
He's even found time to chaperone our Central Park Acorn Cleanup.
Okay, yes, Danny has been handling it very well.
He's a model parent.
You could learn from his example.
I guess it's possible I've let my personal issues - affect my child's life.
- The good news is that children are resilient.
They can overcome anything.
Even absentee mothers.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, that's that's a lot.
Okay, I think you're being unfair here.
Now, Mindy and I, we're both doctors, okay.
- Real doctors.
- I have a PhD in interior design from RISD.
Great.
That's great.
Good for you.
But this woman here, she still makes time to make breakfast for her son every morning or sing him to sleep every night.
I mean, how many preschoolers do you know that know all the words to Taylor Swift's "Red" album? Mindy is a great role model to our son.
And being a good mother, it means more than just volunteering at school, and by the way, the parents do an awful lot around here.
- What're we paying you to do? - I do a lot.
Fundraising, composing newsletters.
Okay, I think we're done here.
I gotta get back to work, and so does she.
[light music.]
Hey, today was your insemination day, right? Sure was, and it went great.
I can already feel things heating up down there.
- Mmm.
- Well, I got you these flowers - to say congratulations.
- Thank you, Morgan.
This is so sweet.
You know, Sheena only got me a copy of "Rosemary's Baby" with a note saying, "This is the best-case scenario.
" Tam, I'm sorry about the way I acted before.
I was just jealous of whoever gets to share something so special with you.
I shouldn't have said anything.
It's your business.
[chuckles nervously.]
Any kid would be lucky to have you as a mom.
Morgan, I have to tell you something.
That means a lot.
- Should I close the door? - both: No.
- Morgan, no.
- Happy Thursday.
- Happy Thursday.
- Yeah.
[chuckles.]
Bossip.
[quirky music.]
Aah! Please don't hit me.
Or if you do, just hit me on the lips, 'cause they're already numb from injectables.
Calm down, Mindy.
I'm not here to hit you.
I'm here to apologize.
- Apologize to me? - Mm.
Daisy, you know that I left an acrylic in your cheek from when I clawed you? Yes, I [sighs.]
I'm very sorry that I snapped at you earlier.
It's just, sometimes the pressure of being a perfect parent is just so great.
You know, we can't all be Ivanka Trump.
I know, I'd be way in over my head at G20.
That's a video game conference, right? Anyway I'm I'm sorry.
Yeah, me too.
And I should thank you for taking such good care of my son when I'm not able to.
Thank you.
I think sometimes I'm just jealous of the working moms.
I used to love my job so much.
I was a lawyer for the Justice Department.
- What? Oh, my God.
- Mm-hmm.
Is that as cool as it is in the movies? I mostly just helped the Bush Administration justify their torture policies.
Oh, my God.
"24" is my favorite show.
Did you see "Zero Dark Thirty"? - Yeah.
- Jessica Chastain played me.
Oh, my God.
She's amazing.
She blocked me on Twitter.
MINDY: I'm so behind on my reality TV.
I can't remember which one of these bitches I hate.
- [door opens.]
- Oh, thank God, Task Rabbit, you're finally here.
Can you please get me a soda from the fridge? I'm too lazy to stand.
Soda's bad for you.
You should only drink alkaline water.
Danny.
[gasps.]
Is that a pizza from Vincenzo's in Staten Island? I've always wanted to try it, but they only serve white people.
Just figured, after a stressful day you might want some pizza.
I wanted to say that I really appreciate what you said to Dr.
Green today.
You know, it's kind of nice knowing that you think I'm the greatest mom in the history of the world.
I didn't say that.
But I did mean what I did say.
I don't like that Dr.
Green guy.
I don't think his glasses are prescription.
Hm.
But hey.
Now that I'm going through a divorce, can I just say? It sucks.
I'm really sorry.
Yeah, well, I thought the second time would be easier, but nope.
Just more expensive.
Maybe I should have been a priest like that career test said.
You do love talking to old ladies.
Butter, ketchup and a bra? How am I supposed to make a salad with this? What? Why would you ruin a perfectly good pizza with a salad? How are you still alive? I am very healthy.
This is only the second time I've had pizza today.
Okay.
Here we go.
Oh, man, those racists make a good slice of pizza.
They're not racist.
They're old-fashioned.
Same thing.
Mmm.
[Rayland Baxter's "Yellow Eyes".]
BAXTER: There's a paperclip Resting on my countertop Sunday morning I forgot What it's like to lose a friend Yesterday how it seemed so far away And I've said all I can say Now it's time I get to going