The Neighborhood (2018) s06e04 Episode Script

1
I can't believe little Marty
gonna be a father.
I remember him sitting in this chair,
crying his little eyes out.
You've been cutting his
hair a long time, huh?
Oh, no, that was a couple of months ago,
after he broke up with Necie.
(LAUGHTER)
It wasn't about Necie!
You nicked me, and you know it!
So, Calvin, you're about
to be a grandpa.
You gonna get some Velcro shoes?
(LAUGHTER)
Nah. One of those, uh, pill trays
- with every day of the week on it.
- Oh.
Hey, hey, but don't mix up your days.
My grandmother did that.
She took her Thursday on Tuesday.
She was gone by Friday.
Well, you keep talking smack,
you're gonna see your grandmama today.
(LAUGHTER)
Calvin, you should embrace
becoming a grandfather.
You know, my dad couldn't
be more excited about it.
- Mm.
- I thought your kid was 13.
Ah, yes, but my dad was indisposed
for a number of those years.
A number of years determined by a judge.
(LAUGHTER)
I'm just saying, you should
look for the positives.
You know, as a grandfather,
you'll be revered for your wisdom.
Marty is going to need a lot of
advice on how to raise a kid.
You know what? That is true.
I am the master.
Eh
Eh
What?
Look, Dad, you did a great job.
I-I'm just planning on raising my kid
with a lot less yelling.
And a lot less belt.
It's-it's a new era.
- Things are different now.
- MALCOLM: Yeah.
When I fell off my bike and hit my head,
you told me to go take a nap.
Are you alive?
- Yes.
- Then it worked.
Dad, no offense,
but I'm approaching fatherhood
as more of a science.
You see, I'm going to
read all the books,
I'm gonna absorb all the data.
Then I will apply it in the real world.
I'm going to get my PhD in D-A-D.
QUE: So, Calvin, what's
the kid going to call you?
Gramps? Papa?
No. Pee-paw!
Oh, you know, Pee-paw
has a nice ring to it.
You know, I may start
calling you Pee-paw.
You better not call me no damn Pee-paw.
I just started liking you,
Dave. Don't ruin it.
Guys, I'm not some old, stuffy,
grandpa type, all right?
In fact, I'm taking my lady out
- to see Earth, Wind & Fire tomorrow.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- Ooh, what time's that concert?
5:00?
(LAUGHTER)
Oh, that's gonna get in the
way of his early-bird special!
(LAUGHTER)
- No tip?
- Yeah, I got a tip for you.
Don't clown your customers
before you get your tip.
Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪
Welcome to the hood. ♪
So you're really going to let
your dad take Grover out solo?
I don't know why you're so surprised.
We're chill. We're not
helicopter parents.
Yes, you are.
We totally are.
(OVER STEREO): I pull
up with the blick, blick ♪
I pull up, make your clique flip ♪
I pull off in the whip ♪
And I skert ♪
- Skert ♪
- Skert ♪
- Skert ♪
- Skert ♪
What's up, y'all?
Hey, Calvin. Uh, what was that?
Oh. Oh, yeah. That was lit, right?
That was that That's
that new Lil Side Baby.
Oh. Oh, so, did your radio get
stuck on the wrong station?
That wasn't the radio, dawg.
That-that was on my phone.
I-I made a new playlist. Dope.
Oh. What else is on it?
Just that one song.
Okay, Calvin, is this because
we were ribbing you
at the barbershop about
being a grandfather?
Look, man, I'm nobody's
grandpa, all right?
I'm just a man who has a
son who's having a baby.
Uh, I don't know what
you're talking about,
'cause I cannot wait for that
baby to call me "Grandma."
Aw.
Or Lovey. Or-or Gammy.
Or Gammy T.
Ooh, Glammy T. Let's lock that one in.
Hey, so what's a blick, blick?
Okay, well, if you have to ask,
then the music's not for you.
Boomers, right?
Blick, blick, skert, skert, oh! ♪
- Yo.
- Hey.
Oh, what's all this?
Oh, Amazon Prime delivered
some parenting books.
I'm reading up.
By the time this baby arrives,
I'll know everything I need to know.
Okay. (LAUGHS)
How to Raise a Green Baby.
Mm-hmm.
I would hope you're having a Black baby.
No. No, see, this book teaches you
how to have a kid that's carbon neutral.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
What the hell does that mean?
I don't know, but in 600 pages, I will.
Oh, uh, guess who I'm going
out for drinks with tomorrow.
- Who?
- My old buddy Chili Mangold.
Oh, your old college teammate?
- Yup.
- What's he doing in town?
We're, uh, playing San
Diego State tomorrow.
- He's their new head coach.
- Oh.
Nice. Uh, head coach. That's
Wow. That's-that's big-time.
Yeah.
- He's a lot younger than you, isn't he?
- (COUGHS)
- Two years, Marty.
- Oh.
(LAUGHS) That's not a lot.
- Oh. Yeah.
- Plus, he has a summer birthday, so
Yeah, well, good for him.
Uh, okay, I'm going to start
with How to Speak Baby with Your Baby.
Yeah. (LAUGHS) You know, uh,
just because Chili is
a little ahead of me,
that does not mean
that I'm behind, so
That's fair.
Yeah. Yeah, he's a head
coach, Marty, okay,
but San Diego State
they are not that good.
Yes, they are undefeated,
okay, but so were we
till we hit that rough patch
a couple of weeks ago.
- Malcolm, are you okay?
- Yes, I am okay,
and I am very, very happy
for Chili Mangold!
Okay. Okay. Uh, you seem a bit fussy.
And according to this book,
you might have gas.
Can I practice burping you?
Can I practice punching you?
Let me burp you, man.
- Come on.
- (OVERLAPPING ARGUING)
Let me freaking go!
- Let me go!
- Let me burp you!
Let me burp you!
It's good to see you, Dad.
You're looking good.
Oh, thanks, son.
Notice anything different about me?
You got your ankle monitor off!
I did. I'm a free man.
Except for weekly urine tests.
Lamar!
- Thank you so much for coming.
- Aww.
Yeah, we both have such crazy days,
it really is helpful that you can
drive Grover around for us.
Oh, I'm happy to do it.
I missed so much time
with you growing up,
because of mandatory minimum sentences.
(CHUCKLES)
I want to enjoy every
minute with Grover.
So Dave says you bought a car?
That I did.
As in paid for? Legally, it's yours?
Yes, Gemma.
Not bad, huh? 1980.
Still got the original tires.
Low mileage?
Odometer's taped over, but I'd guess so.
- So, where's Grover?
- No.
- Excuse me?
- Not happening.
Grover can't ride in
that. It's not safe.
The seat belt is a rope.
You can drive Dave's car.
Dave can drive yours to work.
So it's too dangerous
for Grover to ride in,
but it's okay for me?
It's fine. Just get it back before dark.
Those headlights do not work.
You know what? I-I'll just take an Uber.
Yeah
DAVE: Oh, hey, Marty!
You remember my dad.
Well, how could I forget
a white man named Lamar?
I hear you're going to be
a father. Good for you.
- Yeah.
- Oh,
you're reading Ready, Set, Toddler.
- It's great, isn't it?
- Well, it's okay.
It's a little touchy-feely for me.
Oh, well, let it touch you, bro.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah.
I mean, trust me, it is amazing.
You know, that book was
my GPS to fatherhood.
It's probably why Grover
has such great life skills.
GROVER: Uh, Dad?
A little help with this hoodie?
Oh, uh
Son, that's a pair of sweatpants.
Oh.
Uh
Why don't you go inside and
take another crack at it, champ?
You got this.
Ah.
You know, I thought
I smelled burning oil out here.
Did this thing even pass inspection?
Ha! I wish.
I hear congratulations are in order.
Oh, well, yes, they are.
Welcome to the Grandpa Club.
Tip from an old pro?
Keep hard candy in the
front sweater pocket,
kids go bananas for 'em.
All right, I'm not "hard candy" old.
Well, I don't know, Calvin,
you do make sounds
when you get up, and
well, and when you sit down.
It's the furniture, Dave.
Oh, so it's the furniture
that goes (GROANS)
Damn.
Okay. Look, y'all just hating
on a man that's in his prime.
I mean, come on, could
an old man do this?
Oh, watch out now, Daddy.
- Watch out, Daddy. Okay.
- Huh?
Or Shabba Doo like this?
- (LOUD SNAP)
- Oh!
(GRUNTS)
Dad?
- Dad, are-are you okay?
- (GRUNTS)
Yeah. Yeah, I'm okay.
Yeah, I'm okay. Yeah.
(MOANING)
Yeah, this that
This that new Lil Side Baby shuffle.
It's the Side Baby.
Skert, skert!
Okay, good, they're only a block away.
(SIGHS) Well, put your phone away.
We don't want them to
know we're tracking them.
Well, what are they gonna think
we're doing standing out here?
Crap. Act natural.
Oh, look, they're back already.
(HORN HONKS)
'Sup, Mom?
(CAR DOOR CLOSES)
What's happening?
Grandpa Lamar gave me
my first driving lesson.
In a car? On the street?
Mostly on the street.
You let a 13-year-old drive a car?
Oh, please.
If he can smoke, he can drive.
I can smoke?
- No!
- No!
All right, well, I talked to Dr. Fisher.
He's gonna fit you in.
I don't need to see a
doctor, babe, I'm fine.
No, you're not. Your knee's
the size of a cantaloupe.
Ain't nothing wrong with a big knee.
I think there is.
Look, babe, I'm telling you all I need
is a little Bengay and a nap.
Uh-huh. Okay.
Well, are we still going to see
Earth, Wind & Fire tonight?
Sure.
You know, with the traffic and parking.
You know, we better get going.
- Come on.
- Sure thing. Nothing to it.
Yep, yep. No doubt. (CRIES OUT)
Whoo. Whoo!
All right. Okay, you know
what? I'm sorry, babe.
I know you really wanted to
see Earth Wind & Fire, but
Oh, no, no, it's fine.
No, it's not fine.
You know I'm old.
The band old.
Everybody old.
I mean, they're already
down to two elements.
I mean, by the time
they go back on tour,
it'll just be Wind.
Okay, so let's get you to the doctor
- so you could get better.
- Better to do what?
Nobody needs me.
Come on.
What are you talking about, Calvin?
Come on, let's just face it, Tina,
my boys don't need me anymore.
Marty is about to become a father.
But did he call me for advice?
No. He just ordered a bunch of books.
Even Dave fixed his own
lawn mower without my help.
He just looked at some video on YouTube.
He tried to ask you,
and you sprayed him with the hose.
That's our process.
Come on, Grover, we're gonna be late.
Dave, now your dad's texting me
- because you won't take his calls.
- (SIGHS)
Maybe we overreacted.
It was one driving lesson.
Grover's safe.
Is it that big a deal?
It's a big deal to me.
You know, driving lessons
are a "dad" thing.
Ever since he was crawling around,
I've been thinking about the day
where I got to put him
behind the wheel of a car.
Well, you can still do that.
Yeah, but it won't be the first time.
He probably just took
Grover around the block.
Wrong. They drove all the
way to that donut place.
You know, the one with
the big, giant donut?
And even worse, Lamar
only got enough donuts
for him and Grover.
That's just rude.
That driving lesson was a moment
that I'd been waiting for.
Lamar stole it just like
he steals everything.
Hey, man.
Hmm?
You said there weren't any more donuts.
No, I said there were no extra donuts.
Your pants are inside out.
- (SIGHS HEAVILY)
- Hey.
Well, it's official.
Your brother is a loser.
You lost the game?
No, Marty, we won the game.
I'm just losing at life.
Chili Mangold is a head coach,
and I'm just an assistant batting coach.
I'm not where I should be in life.
Oh, man, well, I'm sure
you'll be head coach someday.
Yeah, sure, Marty.
As soon as, like, eight
people above me die.
I mean, that could happen.
You guys are out in the sun a lot.
I-I shouldn't have said that.
I mean, man, if I'm really serious
about becoming a head coach,
I'm gonna have to move someplace
where there's openings.
Hello, Tulsa.
I hear Tulsa's nice.
There are no job openings in Tulsa.
Then why you keep saying Tulsa?
I don't know, Marty.
Why won't you just let me vent?
Because I'm freaking out, too, man.
I've been up all night reading
these parenting books,
and it's useless.
It's all psychobabble,
and no two of them agree.
But they all say if you
don't do it their way,
you're gonna end up raising a monster.
What did I get myself into?
I should just move to Tulsa with you.
There's no job in Tulsa.
TV REPORTER: I'm here live at the Forum,
where the stars have come
out to see Earth, Wind & Fire
on the final night of their tour.
And there's a rumor
the Queen Bey herself
might join the band onstage
(TV TURNS OFF)
I'm sorry, babe.
That's okay, baby.
Who wants to deal with all that traffic?
- Yeah.
- Overpriced food.
Floor seats dead center.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
And look, we would have missed
who's knocking at our door.
Oh, Lamar.
Yay.
Hi, Tina.
Can I please borrow Calvin for a minute?
- Of course.
- Thank you.
Wow, really hurt yourself there, huh?
I guess that's why they
call it break dancing.
(CHUCKLES)
You are definitely Dave's dad.
And that's why I'm here.
I really stepped in it with him.
I gave Grover a driving lesson.
Really? The boy can
barely ride an escalator.
He did okay.
Took out a mailbox, scared some ducks.
I guess I was trying to share an
experience with my grandson
that I never got to have with my son,
and now Dave's really mad, and
I don't know what to do about it.
Lamar, look, you can't change the past.
You're gonna have to stop
obsessing over what you missed.
But I missed his entire childhood,
and I'll never get it back.
Pop!
I think I've done my whole life wrong.
What are you talking about?
I'm not even close to my goals in life,
and meanwhile, Chili Mangold
is younger than me,
and he is killing it.
Good God, look at the size of your knee!
MARTY: Daddy!
Daddy!
Daddy, help me.
I am not ready to be a father. Whoa!
You need to get that checked out.
Malcolm, get out of my way.
I am having a crisis!
Oh, please, man,
I'm having a crisis, too.
Oh, oh, let me guess.
- Is it Chili Mangold?
- Yeah.
I've had it up to here
with Chili Mangold, okay?
Daddy, I am totally
unprepared to be a father.
I know nothing, and
then I read everything,
and I feel like I know even less.
Like, how do you stop a nosebleed?
- Head forward.
- Head back.
See? See?
What about fevers, or temper tantrums?
Or what if they suck their toes?
Oh, it's so cute when they
suck their little toes.
Is it cute? Sure. But is it okay?
Like, are toes a choking hazard?
What about pennies, Triscuits, Legos?
Legos?!
That baby won't have Legos
for six years, man. Move!
I'm having a problem now.
Malcolm, Marty, that's enough.
Malcolm, you can't judge yourself
by Chili Mangold or anybody else.
You're running your own race,
and if you put in the work, son,
everything that's meant for
you will be yours, trust me.
All right, Pop.
And, Marty, all those books,
they don't mean anything.
In the words of the great Black
philosopher, Mike Tyson
"Every man has a plan
until he gets punched in the face."
And that's what having a baby is like.
Yeah, but I don't want to
get punched in the face.
Well, it's a little late for that.
But trust me, I will be in your corner,
and I will help you fight that baby.
And-and, Lamar, look,
I know you missed out
on Dave's childhood,
but trust me, no matter
how old your kid is,
he will always be your kid.
Yeah, maybe there's still
a little kid left in Dave.
Maybe? (LAUGHS)
If there is any man that still
wants to be a little kid,
it's Dave.
Okay, fellas, time's up.
Calvin needs his rest.
Move along. Go on, now.
- Thanks, Pop.
- Thank you.
Thanks, Dad.
You know, Calvin, I was listening,
and for someone who thinks
he's old and useless,
you just helped three grown men
- solve their problems.
- Hmm.
I guess I did, didn't I?
Yes, you did.
Oh, well. If I'm gonna be a grandfather,
then I need to get myself together.
- Mm-hmm.
- You mind driving me to urgent care?
Oh, of course, my little baby.
Okay, be easy, be easy.
I got you.
All right.
You know what, babe?
And I'm sorry about missing the
whole Earth, Wind & Fire thing.
But you know who's coming
to town next month?
Who?
Lil Side Baby.
Let me hear that song again.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
I pull up in a new whip ♪
- And I skert! ♪
- Yeah.
BOTH: Skert, skert ♪
- You skert ♪
- Skert, skert ♪
- Then you skert ♪
- Skert, skert ♪
- Ooh, it hurt! ♪
- Okay, okay.
It hurt, hurt. ♪
Let's go, let's go.
- Hey, son.
- Yeah.
Keep rolling, old man,
I got nothing to say to you.
Well, I've got something to say to you.
I guess I was trying
to connect with Grover
because I wanted to make up
for never connecting with you.
You still haven't.
I know, and I'm sorry.
I overreached, and it
will not happen again.
Lamar, did you teach Grover
how to shank somebody
- with a sharpened toothbrush?
- Come on.
In my defense, that was meant
for dire situations only.
Fighting cavities,
there's your priority.
What are you doing with that tire?
Remember when you were eight years old,
and you really wanted me
to make you a tire swing?
You never did.
Until now.
Dad, I am not eight years old anymore.
So, no swing?
Well
we can put it up.
But you cannot push me.
Maybe just a little to get me going.