The Office (US) s06e04 Episode Script
Niagara
**** My stomach's a little more sensiti lately, so if you wouldn't mind wearing a little less rfume And if your lunch is especiallpungent, maybe ve it in the break room.
We would really preciate it.
Pam is constantly throwing up because of the pregnancy.
If she eats something the fetus doesn't like,she is scred.
It's amazing.
A three-ounce fetus is calling the shots.
It's so badass.
Phyllis,um,if you could switch to a different soap just for a month or two--? Yours is kind of perfumey.
Now this is getting ridiculous.
Oh,gee,i'm sorry.
I guess i missed the meeting where we all voted for you to get pregnant.
No.
I resee the right to peel my hardboiled eggs at my desk.
All morning i look fward to my afternoon cigars, and i am not stopping for anybody.
I don't think i'm asking for too much.
I guess it's just the end of courtesy in the workplace.
Watching people get sick always makes me sick.
And Well,frankly,so does talking about it,so Well,what do you think? Spent all morning doing it.
It is really special.
Yeah,but aren't you supposed to do that to our-- no,it's great.
Well,it's just a really important day fore.
- Well,congrats.
- Thanks.
Dunder mifflin scranton will be closed today and friday for a company wedding in niagara falls, so please leave a messag and we'll get back to you as soon as possible.
Have a great day.
Uh,believe it or not,kevin,firecrackers are in the "don't" column.
So you're gonna provide them,en? No,this is a firecracker-free wedding.
- What the hell? - You've got to be kidding me.
Okay,all of the things are important to remember, but the most important thing is that no one say anything about my pregnancy at the wedding.
Absolutely,because not everyone knows, and some people might be offended.
Decent people everywhere will get offended.
Well,we're thinking of my grandmother, who we haven't told,and who is very old-fashioned.
Well,you're lucky to have a grandmother.
Some of us have to be our own grandmother.
You know,angela,um,you don't have to come to the wedding.
- Really,pam? - Yes,she does.
Yes,she does.
We're all gonna go,and we're gonna have a good time.
He pinched me.
Next time we're all in this room,jim and i will be married.
- We'll see.
- Thank you,dwight.
- Good-bye.
- See you later.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Oh,hey,and don't embarrass me when we go to niagara.
What happens in niagara stays in niagara.
Don't,don't,don't.
You stole my joke.
Don't steal my joke.
- No,i didn't steal your joke.
- Yes,i said that yesterday.
But you can say that about anything.
What happens in accounting stays in accounting.
No,no,no.
Please,plse.
Dwight,that's my joke.
I know,but it's so easy.
That's what i'm saying.
- You can say-- - okay,this is what i am talking about.
When we leave here and go up to niaga falls, we are representing dunder mifflin,everyone.
This is a very important wedding for this branch.
The most important wedding until get married, so i want you all on your best behavior.
Or so he me,god! So i wilsee you uphere in "viagra" falls.
Pam and jim's wedding will be the single best ckup destination in the history of the universe.
I stole the gut list from jim's desk, and i search-engined every female on both sides of the family.
- Get out of here.
Yes.
- Oh,my god,dwight.
For instance,pam's cousin jocelyn webster.
There's a name.
Two years ago,she was selling a mountain bike.
Oh,well,tell me about jocelyn.
What's she like? Well,uh,she's really into mountain king but not so much lately.
Okay.
Uh,she had a couple hundred dollars to spend.
I mean,if she was able to sell her bike,then Is that all you have on her? Well,if this in fact her,because it's a very common name.
Okay.
You're an idiot.
People don't think of me as one of the sharper dressers in the office, but i'm going to turn that around at this wedding.
I thought,"how can i take it to the next level?" the hair.
It's the hair.
Okay.
Okay.
I'm going.
God.
Hey,did one of you guys want to sit up front with me so i have someone to talk to? It's,like,a five-hour drive Ish.
You know.
Nah,this is so much cooler.
We feel like we're in a limo and you're our drir.
- Erin? - Oh,no.
That wouldn't be fair to leave kelly alone in back.
Not only is erin really sweet and cute She smells like my mom.
- Hey,my aunt tolde something neat.
- Yeah? She said everything with the weddingoes by so fast, we should try to take mental pictures of the high points.
Oh,wow.
That's cool.
Yeah.
Click.
Oh,you blinked.
Damn it.
Now that's in my brain forever.
What a lou picture.
Should have hired professional to take the mental ptures.
Oh,god.
- I was asleep.
- What? No way.
Those glasses are super dark.
Okay.
All right.
We need some tunes,i think.
You know wha i made you a cd.
You did? That was nice of you.
This is to play when you bring a woman back to your hotel room.
Oh,very thoughtful.
A little mix to set the mood.
Delightful.
Pop that in.
You're gonna like this.
Hello.
My name is dwight schrute.
If you're listening this,you're a lucky woman michael has duced.
Ah,to be in your shoes.
"what's next? " you're probably wondering.
Don't be scared of your night in heaven.
Are you serious? You want me to play that for a woman coming to my room? Yeah.
It's practical.
My god.
No.
No.
That's not how it works.
Niagara falls used to be,like,a spiritual experience to people.
Ey stayed in tents,and it blew their minds.
But it's really kitschy now,which is a lot of fun.
- Halpert.
- Halpert.
And beesly.
Tonight we're in two separate rooms, and then tomorrow nigh is the honeymoon suite.
- Great.
- I know.
We're pretty excited too.
Can we take a look at the suiteow? Oh,i'm sorry.
Somebody just checked in.
Is there another wedding at the hotel thiweekend? Oh,no.
St an individual.
At man there.
Hey.
Got the room the nighbefore you guys.
I'll break in the bed.
I don't like that.
I'm gonna need the name and cell phone number of the housekeeper responsible for changi the sheets,please.
Hello.
Reservation for michael scott.
One moment while i check.
Their proximity to the falls makes everything smell like a basement.
I'm sorry,sir.
I'm not seeing you in here.
When did you make your reservation? I don't have a reservation, but i want a room in the beesly-halpert block of rooms.
Oh,okay.
Unfortunately,sir,the block only applies to the rate.
I'm afraid we're all sold out.
Dwight schrute.
I have a reservation.
Confirmation number,uh,romeo,tango,g,7-7-4-5.
yes.
Schrute.
And i had spoken to theresa about a room with two safes.
Sure.
No problem.
- Okay? - There's your k,mr.
Schrute.
- Well,good.
Thank you.
Dwight.
Dwight,dwight.
- I need to stay in your room.
- No way.
What if i meet someone? - I'm staying in--come on.
- No.
Michael.
- Dwight,i would do the same for you.
- You would? - Yes.
- Really? - Yes.
Wait a second.
Oh,no,no,no.
This must some kind of mistake.
This reservation is under an m.
Scott.
Oh This must be yours.
- Thank god.
- Oh,no.
Now that i don't have a room can i stay with you? No.
You know what? - I--i would say yes,but you can't,and i'll tell you why.
- Please? If i have a woman up there and things are getting amorous, she's gonna get turned off if she looks in the bathroom and she sees you brushing yr teeth with butter and clay,okay? Okay,okay.
That was a test,and you have failed,for this is my room.
Okay? You would not share it with me.
- I don't have room? - No,you do not.
Okay.
Ooh,you must pass the dungeon wisdom test.
It worked.
When mary was denied a room at the inn,jesus was born.
When michael was denied a room at the inn, we don't know what happens,because that story hasn't been told yet.
Mr.
And mrs.
Stanley hudson.
Hey,stanley.
Favor.
Could i stay in your room tonight? Are you out of your mind? I brought cynthia with me.
Not in the same bed.
In the other bed.
I got one queen-size bed.
You are kidding me.
A queen-size bed is five-feet wide.
I am not fe-feet wide,michael.
I'm not a physicmajor,stanley.
I'm just saying be careful.
Hey,guys.
Hey.
Could i stay in your room tonight? - Oh,gross.
- Blow my brains out.
That's rude.
Michael,i have an extra twin bed,if you want.
You are going to be eeping by yourself for the rest of your life, so you should just get used to it.
So,uh,which one is pam's grandma? Oh,meemaw? She's the on in the teal suit.
She's the only 80-year-old with no smile wrinkles.
Dad,remember.
No mention of the baby,right? Yeah.
Yeah,yeah,yeah.
She's very conservative.
So mum's the word.
Um,dad,this is michael scott.
- How you doing? - Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
- Who's doing a toast? I would like to go third,sort of back clean up.
Michael,i thought we discussed that we'd rather you not speak, like,at all,because it's just gonna be blood relatives.
That is seriously going to impede my abili to hook up with your female relatives.
Pretty sure everybody heard that.
Didn't move my lips.
Hey,meemaw.
I wasn't sure about your branch of the famil after i heard about your parents divorce.
But you and jim are just perfect.
- God bless you.
- Oh,thank you.
But nobody's perfect.
Well,i wouldn't care to live if i thought that.
Mr.
Beesly,how are you? I'd like you to meet kristy kelly.
Oh,this,uh,this your niece? No,no.
She's,uh-- she's my girlfriend.
Hey,can youake room at that table? From quarter three to quarter four,up 17%.
While his sas,down 2%.
It's all there in the report.
Why would they make the bad man your boss if you're so much smarter? Excellent question.
Because while i was busy trying to improve the company and make it a success, jim,the bad man,was busy kissing the boss man's butt.
That's right.
It is ew.
It's vy ew.
Oscar,kevin,this is my sister,penny.
She's also my maid of honor.
Eased to meet you.
Oh,i'm sorry.
It's kevin? I thought it was gill.
She thought i was your boyfriend.
You thought i was dating this? What the hl is wrong with you? Oscar,it was an honest mistake.
Him? Him? Oscar,i would be proud to date you.
- I'm sorry.
- I'm not gay.
I'm kevin.
Nice to meet you.
Kevin.
- Owe an apology.
- I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean-- are you seeing anyone right now? She has a boyfriend.
He's out of town.
- Cool.
- Thank you.
I was the youngest vp in company history.
More recently,he worked in a bowling alley.
Tell 'em one of your funny bowling alley stories.
Um,also How did meredith get put at the young people's table? She probably switched cards with someone.
Like i did with erin.
What? You c-- that's Jim and pam,i can't tell you how happy i am to be here.
Head table.
Where i belong.
- It's just for family.
- I know.
Who's that one? Isabel poreba.
Oh,i got stuff on her.
In 1996,her 10th grade volleyball team went 10 and 2.
what am i supposed to do with that,dwight? That's a very good record.
Right,so i'll be like,"you're so sweet,guys.
And so kind.
",and that's when i'll do the face like-- like,"what? " right.
And then wll just give 'em a little punch to the back.
A noogie.
You ow what? Never to married Never.
For a noogie.
They have hilarious material,and they are going to totally deliver it wrong.
I would kill with the brother stuff.
It should be me up there.
Should be me and pete.
Not pete and tom.
Pam,you've got the greatestmile, - and your body is really fine.
- Smoking.
Hoping it'll make r wives kick it up a notch.
A little mo' cardio.
That's not appropriate.
Okay,a little more Hello.
Hi,everybody.
I promise i wasn't nna make a toast,d i'm not going to.
Just going to do a little freestanding comedy, and if at the end everybody wants to raise their glasses to pam and jim,then so be it.
Hey,what is the deal with the smart car? How smart is that? Those things are tiny.
Can you even drive them in traffic? "oh,i'm so smart.
"e equals mc Squared.
I--i drive a smart car.
" that's not smart in my book.
The real smart car is kitt.
- From knight rider.
- Ight rider.
That's a car that can talk.
N a art car ta? Nope.
That's not smart.
And also chitty chitty bang bang.
Very smart.
And You-- everybody can laugh.
It doesn't have to just be the idiots.
Everybody can laugh.
- Nope.
- Yeah,go ahead.
All right.
Hey,everyone.
Thanks for coming.
- Douche.
- Ah,thanks,pete.
That was really nice.
I just wt to say how happy we are that allf you are hereonight, and i want to especially thank those of you who have traveled frofar away to be here with us tonight, especially the florida cousins,who obviously can't ke a hint.
Four years ago,i was just a guy who had a crush on a girl who had a boyfriend.
And i do the hardest thing that i've ever had to do which was just to wait.
Uh,don't get me wrong.
I flirted with her.
Pam,i can now admit in front of friends and family that i do know how to make a photocopy.
Didn't need yo help that many times.
And,uh,do you remember how long it took you to teach me how to drive stick? Like,a year.
- Ve been driving stick since high school,so - Very nice.
For a really long time,that's all i had.
I just had little moments with a girl o saw me as a friend.
And a lot of peopl told me i was crazy to wait this long for a date with a girl who i worked with, but i think even then i knew that I was waiting r my we.
So I would like to propose a toast.
So if you'd all raise your glasses-- not pam, for obvious reons,but everyone else,if y would raise your glasses - What's obvious? - Why can't pam drink? Pam can't drink? Who--i didn't-- i shouldn't have said that.
I don't know why i did.
She can do whatever she wants.
Though she shouldn't.
She shouldn't,becae she's an alcoholic.
Pam is an alcoholic.
That's not true.
I--no.
What we nted-- the real reason is that,um That--that pam's pregnant.
Ok.
Okay,okay.
Hey.
What i thi jim is trying to say is that Th had an accident,and you know what? These two people,they're living together.
They are having lots of consensual sex.
- They wliving together? - Yes.
Yes,they were living tog-- yes.
And you know what? You can't expect them be careful every time, because,frankly,it's just a different sensation.
- Michael.
- When you come-- well,am i wrong? They say it's not different,but it's a different sensation - Oh,my god.
Don't.
Please.
- When you use something to block I ink everybody knows what i am talking about.
It's not necessarily different for the woman, - but it is different-- - michael.
Okay.
Okay,okay,okay.
- Michael.
Stop.
- All rit.
My point is,i said what i nted to say, and,meemaw,i hope you heard every word.
All right.
Jim.
To waiting.
To waiting.
Okay.
i should have known.
The hotel's television set had a movie on called bruno last night.
The remote control had so darn many buttons on it, i couldn't turn it off.
So i had to just sit there while it happened to me.
I wondered,"how could they pick such a hotel? " mm.
Now i know.
Meemaw.
Think it was a little uch and go at first, but we saved it,i believe.
I can't believe it was me.
I know.
I can't believe it was you,either.
I actually think it takes a lot of pressure off of me.
Is there something about being a manager that mak you say stupid things? I have not found that to be the case.
- Hey,smooth guys.
- I'm so sorry.
Can you believe it? He screwed up,not me.
Meemaw's not coming to the wedding.
She's leavin tomorrow morning.
- Oh,my god.
Are you serious? - There's gonna be a free room? Hi,meemaw.
It's michael.
Oh,you're that foul man that kept talking about intercourse.
Yes.
Yep,one and the same.
May i? I'm actually great with old women.
In fact,for the longest time,my best frie was my grandmother.
And en she met harriet,and now she thinks she's better than everybody.
I want to go to bed,but i can't.
I can't turn that television off.
Oh.
Okay,well Hook you up there.
- Oh,thank you.
- You're welcome.
It was that horrible charlie rose.
Isn't he terrible? May i? Here's the thing.
Um Meemaw,i think yo just need to chill out out this whole pam getting pregnant thing.
It's not 1890 anymore.
It's modern day.
Anwomen have sex before marriage.
And i think we need to celebrate that.
And i know in your day she would be considered a whore, ii but now women go out and they have sex and they get wild and they take their tops off and they have pictures taken of them.
And we need to encourage that.
That's part of life.
- People are like cats and dogs these days.
- Exactly.
- Thissed to be such a great country.
- I know.
I don't know what happened it.
They're gonna name the baby after y,you know? They're gonna call it meaw.
You mean sylvia.
Yes.
And if it's a boy,they will call it sylvio.
Par-tay.
Room 639.
yes.
Chicks are gonna be off the hook.
Guys too,oscar.
Like calvin klein models.
That sounds epic.
Can we bring anything? Nothing.
Except for $40 for beer and any hot chicks you know.
'Cause that would help me deliver on some prises i made.
Whoo! No one from the office has been to a real beard throw-down.
If i was a girl,i would seriously reconsider coming to this party.
But don't tell them that i said that,'cause i want them there.
And where do you thi you're gng? I was just gonna go down to the hotel bar for a little bit.
Well,why don't i just save y some time and kick you in the stomach instead? I just wanted to get out of my room for a lite while.
Okay.
I'll go with you.
Come on.
Never mind.
- Are you sure? Could fun.
- Yup.
No.
- What are you wearing? - What? It's a casual,social outfit.
Looks like you're going to a fish fry,dwight.
No,th're howling at the moon.
It's suggestive to women.
Because of howling during sex.
Okay.
Th's not appropriate,ight.
Uncool.
Uncool,dwight.
Okay.
Okay,come on.
Let's go.
Good.
It's good.
It's not a good idea.
There's no such thing as a good hairpiece.
Yeah,but that's easy enough for you to say,oscar.
You have that thick,beautiful,chicano hair.
So nice.
I'm just worried about the farm,you know? Mose hates to geld the horses by himself.
Dwight,shut up about the farm.
It's not relatable.
Nobody owns a farm.
Wait,you're worried about your horses? That's cool.
How many horses do you have? Nine and three quarters.
I invented a device called burger on the go.
It allows you to obtain six regular-sized hamburgers or without killing the animal.
George foreman is still considering it.
Sharpeimage is still consideng it.
Skymall's still conside.
Hammacheschlemmer's still considering it.
Sears said no.
Toy story,finding nemo,up,i balled the entire time.
- I can not watch pixar.
- Michael.
- Yes.
- Drop this one.
Abort.
- Why? - I found twins.
Oh,my god.
Twins.
I'm sorry.
You understand.
Niceo meet you.
Aren't they magnificent? They're men,dwight.
I ve finding a good set of twins.
Something's wrong with you.
Yeah,mereth! Nice moves! You call that a robot? Try being more robotic,okay? Like this.
Lame.
What else you got,andy? How about littleit of this? Oh,yeah? What else you got? Yeah,what else you got? Did someone change my name to baskin robbins? Because i feel like a bananaplit.
What else you got? All right.
It'll be fine.
It's gonna be fine.
Pam's here.
You'll be fine.
Pam.
I was dancing and i did a split and i landed on my car keys in my pocket.
What? I tore my scrotum.
I need you to take me to the hospital.
Andy,i'm getting married in eight hours.
Everyone else is too drunk.
Just don't let me die here.
Ey.
Where are you? Can you take andy to the hospital? - What? - He tore his scrotum dancing.
- What? - Is in my room,icing his balls.
- What? - Plse stop saying "what.
- cayou take him? - lo,i wod so take him.
" in any other circumstance,but i'm pretty certain i'm completely wasted.
Your brothers took you out drinking? That pam? Hey! Have her come out.
Have her ce out! Itl be like coyote ugly.
That's michael.
You're out with michael? Andwight.
- Pam,it just happened.
- Okay,fine.
I'll take him.
- I love you.
Okay,i got to go.
- I love you! Are you pushing me off the phone? No.
Les talk for a long time.
Good-bye.
It's after midnight.
You're married.
He's married! Oh,that's not how that works.
Oh,my g.
Congratulation you're not gonna be able to talk back.
You'll have pam to answer to.
She'll be sitting at home to sayingack.
"jim,take the baby to the zoo," 'cause i want to sit at home and eat bonbons and--and clip my toenails.
" "jim,hey,why don't you braid my hair? I want to watch tv.
" now you sound like kermit.
Are you sure this is the right way? Nope.
I,like you,have never been here before.
Well,at least slow down a little bit, because every lile bump in the road is major pain on My scrotum.
Look,i'm t the one who asked you to do a split when you'd never done one before.
,noi watrying to liven things up a little bit,okay? I was kind of doing yourob,so My job? My job is to get married in the morning.
That's my job.
Well,it's also to make sure that we have a great time at your stupid wedding,so Ust spent the night with the bride thnight before the dding.
Oh,yeah.
She stepped on my hand on her way to the bathroom,so Andy,did i dream that you were crying through the night? No.
No,that was real.
Why don't you take a picture? It'll last longer.
God.
Can ali get a little privacy? Good morning.
How can i help you? I left a pair of dress shoes in a bag outside my door last night to be cleaned and polished, but they haven't been returned yet.
You must be mr.
Malone.
One moment please.
Thanyou.
Sir,this is the man withhe shoes.
Mr.
Mane,your shoes are gone.
They were stolen? - No,deroyed.
- What? When the bag was opened by our shoeshine,the smell ovcame him.
I,too,smelled them d made the choice that they must be thrown away.
- Incinerated,actuall.
- but that was my only pair of shoes.
It became a safety issue,sir.
Well,damn it.
I can offer you a complimentary breakfast.
Okay.
You have everything? - Cell phone? Charger? - Yeah.
So you sure you don't want breakfast? It's the most important meal of the day.
It really is.
I'm not hungry.
I ate a whole bunch of sunflower seeds afteyou went to sleep.
And besides,i wouldn't want to take you away from pam onhe morning of her wedding.
She needs you,isabel.
That's really sweet,dwight.
Well.
So i'll see you at the wedding? - You know it.
- 'Kay.
- Okay.
Get out of here.
- Bye.
Okay? Hey.
Good morning.
It's about damn time.
I haven't gone to the bathroom a day and a half.
Oh,my god,dwight! This room is a pit.
Really? Hadn't noticed.
Too sy knockin' boots.
How can you eat like that? I'm ravenous after a night of lovemaking.
You? Yeah,i'm hungry,but i'm not gonna make a pig out of myself.
Hey,what was she like? She was cute.
You know,she was hot.
She was very hot.
She made love li a tiger.
Bride side or groom side? Or townie? She was from europe.
- No kidding.
- Uh-huhi know.
- Bet she had hairy armpits.
- No.
Isabel was nice,but i hope she doesn't think this is going anywhere.
Wait a second.
You're not into her? Are you kidding me? - No.
- She's pam's best friend.
You guys could double date.
- Ap maybe? - Oh,please.
Put a gun in my uth.
No,you're crazy.
Look,she's a dental hygiest from carbondale, and she makes love like one.
She's a bumpkin.
Pass.
You have to take x-rays.
You have to scrape the plaque off ofeople's teeth.
You hao tell kids when to spit and make sure that they're not scared when the dentist comes in.
- It--it-- - you should ask her out.
I already have a european girlfriend.
Oh,my god.
Oscar.
Angela.
Are you in a lot of pain? Oh 'cause of last night? No way.
Reports have been exaggerated.
Weddings make me very emotional.
I,uh,i just have that side to me.
Yeah,people say you cry all the time.
Well,that's.
Crotch injuries arthe worst.
You don't need to tell me.
I wasn't telling you.
- There's stl something there? - Excuse me? It didn't get torn off? No,they didt-- nothing got torn off.
Who told you that? I may have told some people that.
I'm nervous.
I'm about to get married.
If youant to sit on this I was thinking the wood might be too hard on your damaged penis.
Make it softer.
It's my scrotum.
Um,and it was.
Thank you.
Sure.
Here we go.
They asked for cash,bu you know,i give 'em cash every week.
So how much cash does a person need? I have taken it upon myself to do something a little more special.
I have painted a portrait of the two of them from memory.
And i have another one them in the nude.
But that one is for me.
I got them a set of turtle-iling pots,shell hammer,and bibs.
Is it zipping overour belly? Don't squish the by.
Thank you,weirdo.
Everybody see kristy's stupid,blond extensions? E it's like they were made from a plastic broom.
Okay,here com oh,pam.
Oh,darling,you look beautiful.
Thanks,mom.
- I hope he deserves you.
- He does.
Are you sure? Remember,you don't have to do this.
You don't.
M,you're totally projecting and being a drag.
Yes.
Thank you,mom.
Hey,um,i'm gonna go outside and talk to dwight.
Oh,okay.
Great.
Yeah,i'll see you in a second.
Wait,what? Oh! Oh,no.
Can you come here please? Is this allowed? No,no.
But i'm allowing it.
Just come here.
That was an intelligent comment.
Hello,strger.
How do i look? Oh.
Fine.
Abel,nice to see you.
What do you want? Um,nothing Anymore.
So,uh,tell me again the difference between filene's and filene's basement.
He's not sitting with me,either.
Where are you sitting? You need a seat,buddy? I'm standing.
I'm a bridesmaid.
Oh.
I wish i was a bridesmaid.
Where am i gonna go? - You look - Terrible.
So beautiful.
My veil tore.
I knew when we were getting married ani'm five months pregnant that i'm not gonna be able to wear the dress that i always wanted,or high heels.
Hey.
You look just as i imagined you.
Pam,you're so pretty.
Thank you.
And who cares? It's a stupid veil,right? No,this is the one thing i was supposed to be able to control was this veil.
There.
Now we're even.
Everyone's driving me crazy.
I knoway too muc about andy's scrotum, and my mom won't stop freaking out about my dad's new girlfriend.
Ugh.
This is supposed to be our wedding day.
Why did we invite all these people? Thoffim ran away usshe knew deep dodown she uldn't be a good wife.
Yes.
Whatre you doing? I'm trying to decide if i have time to pee.
- How long do you take to pee? - The peeing is fast,oscar.
It's getting my tie back on.
Do you--would you have a snack in your purse? You're a mom.
I just figured you might have-- Oh.
Ooh,apricot.
Do you have any of the very berry or ocean splash,or--? - No.
- Oh.
Okay.
Were you saving it? Oh,no,no.
That's okay.
I just,uh I've had a very rough weekend.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
Ugh.
Apricot.
Made of real apes.
- Do you thi ey cancel? - Relax.
You'll get your shot at jim.
Those two treat the whole offi like a 1970s key party.
My weekend's bad so far.
Oh i cameere hoping to meet somebody.
You know,as you do at weddings.
End up going to sleep by the vending machine.
It was loud,but it was warm.
Oh,that sounds awful.
And-- and the love of my life is dating somebody else.
Oh it's just It is a terrible yea for love.
Yeah.
I guess it is.
Thinking about having my sperm frozen.
Excuse me,are you michael scott? Um,yeah.
Ard you might have a whoopee cushion on you.
Our sister's in the can,and we totally want to get he when she comes back.
Oh.
Wow.
That sous hilarious.
I do,actual.
There you .
Use it in good health.
Whoa,whoa,whoa.
Wait a minute.
What is the etiquette on taking the gift can you only take your own back, or is it a whatever-you-can-carry type of thing? Anyone have anything they want to trade for a toaster? - Does it have slotfor hot dogs? - No.
Who would want it? Guys,maybe we should wait a little more time before we star grabbing boxes.
- Toby.
- Dwight.
I'd like to lodge a formal complaint against jim for making us wait for over an hour.
God.
You.
Get in there.
well,i guess this wedding is not gonna happen.
Woer if this is it for them.
Hey,what happened? Where were you guys? Do you know how long i've been waiting here? Well,we areere now,so let's go.
S! Yes! I have so much joy in my heart right now.
How do i look? - You look great.
- You look great.
Wear a tie much? I begged them not to.
I know you specifically put this song on your do not play list.
- Yes,i did.
- I'sorry.
Go ahead.
I think it'sour turn wait,what happened? You're okay with this? Yeah,i'm okay.
Okay then.
- Hey,pam.
Did you see this? It was on youtube.
- Saw it.
I bought those boat tickets the day i saw that youtube video.
I knew we'd ne a backup plan.
The boat was actually plan c,the urch was plan b, and plan a was marrying her a long,lo time ago.
Pretty muc the day i met her.
Ob wh an awesome party.
E best wedding i've ever been to.
I got six numbs.
One more would have been a complete telephone number.
This waspic.
Myleenex shoes were a huge conversation pie,but man,myogs are barking.
My feet were ssweaty,i can't ev feel the cold.
What a lovely hotel.
Okay.
We would really preciate it.
Pam is constantly throwing up because of the pregnancy.
If she eats something the fetus doesn't like,she is scred.
It's amazing.
A three-ounce fetus is calling the shots.
It's so badass.
Phyllis,um,if you could switch to a different soap just for a month or two--? Yours is kind of perfumey.
Now this is getting ridiculous.
Oh,gee,i'm sorry.
I guess i missed the meeting where we all voted for you to get pregnant.
No.
I resee the right to peel my hardboiled eggs at my desk.
All morning i look fward to my afternoon cigars, and i am not stopping for anybody.
I don't think i'm asking for too much.
I guess it's just the end of courtesy in the workplace.
Watching people get sick always makes me sick.
And Well,frankly,so does talking about it,so Well,what do you think? Spent all morning doing it.
It is really special.
Yeah,but aren't you supposed to do that to our-- no,it's great.
Well,it's just a really important day fore.
- Well,congrats.
- Thanks.
Dunder mifflin scranton will be closed today and friday for a company wedding in niagara falls, so please leave a messag and we'll get back to you as soon as possible.
Have a great day.
Uh,believe it or not,kevin,firecrackers are in the "don't" column.
So you're gonna provide them,en? No,this is a firecracker-free wedding.
- What the hell? - You've got to be kidding me.
Okay,all of the things are important to remember, but the most important thing is that no one say anything about my pregnancy at the wedding.
Absolutely,because not everyone knows, and some people might be offended.
Decent people everywhere will get offended.
Well,we're thinking of my grandmother, who we haven't told,and who is very old-fashioned.
Well,you're lucky to have a grandmother.
Some of us have to be our own grandmother.
You know,angela,um,you don't have to come to the wedding.
- Really,pam? - Yes,she does.
Yes,she does.
We're all gonna go,and we're gonna have a good time.
He pinched me.
Next time we're all in this room,jim and i will be married.
- We'll see.
- Thank you,dwight.
- Good-bye.
- See you later.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Oh,hey,and don't embarrass me when we go to niagara.
What happens in niagara stays in niagara.
Don't,don't,don't.
You stole my joke.
Don't steal my joke.
- No,i didn't steal your joke.
- Yes,i said that yesterday.
But you can say that about anything.
What happens in accounting stays in accounting.
No,no,no.
Please,plse.
Dwight,that's my joke.
I know,but it's so easy.
That's what i'm saying.
- You can say-- - okay,this is what i am talking about.
When we leave here and go up to niaga falls, we are representing dunder mifflin,everyone.
This is a very important wedding for this branch.
The most important wedding until get married, so i want you all on your best behavior.
Or so he me,god! So i wilsee you uphere in "viagra" falls.
Pam and jim's wedding will be the single best ckup destination in the history of the universe.
I stole the gut list from jim's desk, and i search-engined every female on both sides of the family.
- Get out of here.
Yes.
- Oh,my god,dwight.
For instance,pam's cousin jocelyn webster.
There's a name.
Two years ago,she was selling a mountain bike.
Oh,well,tell me about jocelyn.
What's she like? Well,uh,she's really into mountain king but not so much lately.
Okay.
Uh,she had a couple hundred dollars to spend.
I mean,if she was able to sell her bike,then Is that all you have on her? Well,if this in fact her,because it's a very common name.
Okay.
You're an idiot.
People don't think of me as one of the sharper dressers in the office, but i'm going to turn that around at this wedding.
I thought,"how can i take it to the next level?" the hair.
It's the hair.
Okay.
Okay.
I'm going.
God.
Hey,did one of you guys want to sit up front with me so i have someone to talk to? It's,like,a five-hour drive Ish.
You know.
Nah,this is so much cooler.
We feel like we're in a limo and you're our drir.
- Erin? - Oh,no.
That wouldn't be fair to leave kelly alone in back.
Not only is erin really sweet and cute She smells like my mom.
- Hey,my aunt tolde something neat.
- Yeah? She said everything with the weddingoes by so fast, we should try to take mental pictures of the high points.
Oh,wow.
That's cool.
Yeah.
Click.
Oh,you blinked.
Damn it.
Now that's in my brain forever.
What a lou picture.
Should have hired professional to take the mental ptures.
Oh,god.
- I was asleep.
- What? No way.
Those glasses are super dark.
Okay.
All right.
We need some tunes,i think.
You know wha i made you a cd.
You did? That was nice of you.
This is to play when you bring a woman back to your hotel room.
Oh,very thoughtful.
A little mix to set the mood.
Delightful.
Pop that in.
You're gonna like this.
Hello.
My name is dwight schrute.
If you're listening this,you're a lucky woman michael has duced.
Ah,to be in your shoes.
"what's next? " you're probably wondering.
Don't be scared of your night in heaven.
Are you serious? You want me to play that for a woman coming to my room? Yeah.
It's practical.
My god.
No.
No.
That's not how it works.
Niagara falls used to be,like,a spiritual experience to people.
Ey stayed in tents,and it blew their minds.
But it's really kitschy now,which is a lot of fun.
- Halpert.
- Halpert.
And beesly.
Tonight we're in two separate rooms, and then tomorrow nigh is the honeymoon suite.
- Great.
- I know.
We're pretty excited too.
Can we take a look at the suiteow? Oh,i'm sorry.
Somebody just checked in.
Is there another wedding at the hotel thiweekend? Oh,no.
St an individual.
At man there.
Hey.
Got the room the nighbefore you guys.
I'll break in the bed.
I don't like that.
I'm gonna need the name and cell phone number of the housekeeper responsible for changi the sheets,please.
Hello.
Reservation for michael scott.
One moment while i check.
Their proximity to the falls makes everything smell like a basement.
I'm sorry,sir.
I'm not seeing you in here.
When did you make your reservation? I don't have a reservation, but i want a room in the beesly-halpert block of rooms.
Oh,okay.
Unfortunately,sir,the block only applies to the rate.
I'm afraid we're all sold out.
Dwight schrute.
I have a reservation.
Confirmation number,uh,romeo,tango,g,7-7-4-5.
yes.
Schrute.
And i had spoken to theresa about a room with two safes.
Sure.
No problem.
- Okay? - There's your k,mr.
Schrute.
- Well,good.
Thank you.
Dwight.
Dwight,dwight.
- I need to stay in your room.
- No way.
What if i meet someone? - I'm staying in--come on.
- No.
Michael.
- Dwight,i would do the same for you.
- You would? - Yes.
- Really? - Yes.
Wait a second.
Oh,no,no,no.
This must some kind of mistake.
This reservation is under an m.
Scott.
Oh This must be yours.
- Thank god.
- Oh,no.
Now that i don't have a room can i stay with you? No.
You know what? - I--i would say yes,but you can't,and i'll tell you why.
- Please? If i have a woman up there and things are getting amorous, she's gonna get turned off if she looks in the bathroom and she sees you brushing yr teeth with butter and clay,okay? Okay,okay.
That was a test,and you have failed,for this is my room.
Okay? You would not share it with me.
- I don't have room? - No,you do not.
Okay.
Ooh,you must pass the dungeon wisdom test.
It worked.
When mary was denied a room at the inn,jesus was born.
When michael was denied a room at the inn, we don't know what happens,because that story hasn't been told yet.
Mr.
And mrs.
Stanley hudson.
Hey,stanley.
Favor.
Could i stay in your room tonight? Are you out of your mind? I brought cynthia with me.
Not in the same bed.
In the other bed.
I got one queen-size bed.
You are kidding me.
A queen-size bed is five-feet wide.
I am not fe-feet wide,michael.
I'm not a physicmajor,stanley.
I'm just saying be careful.
Hey,guys.
Hey.
Could i stay in your room tonight? - Oh,gross.
- Blow my brains out.
That's rude.
Michael,i have an extra twin bed,if you want.
You are going to be eeping by yourself for the rest of your life, so you should just get used to it.
So,uh,which one is pam's grandma? Oh,meemaw? She's the on in the teal suit.
She's the only 80-year-old with no smile wrinkles.
Dad,remember.
No mention of the baby,right? Yeah.
Yeah,yeah,yeah.
She's very conservative.
So mum's the word.
Um,dad,this is michael scott.
- How you doing? - Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
- Who's doing a toast? I would like to go third,sort of back clean up.
Michael,i thought we discussed that we'd rather you not speak, like,at all,because it's just gonna be blood relatives.
That is seriously going to impede my abili to hook up with your female relatives.
Pretty sure everybody heard that.
Didn't move my lips.
Hey,meemaw.
I wasn't sure about your branch of the famil after i heard about your parents divorce.
But you and jim are just perfect.
- God bless you.
- Oh,thank you.
But nobody's perfect.
Well,i wouldn't care to live if i thought that.
Mr.
Beesly,how are you? I'd like you to meet kristy kelly.
Oh,this,uh,this your niece? No,no.
She's,uh-- she's my girlfriend.
Hey,can youake room at that table? From quarter three to quarter four,up 17%.
While his sas,down 2%.
It's all there in the report.
Why would they make the bad man your boss if you're so much smarter? Excellent question.
Because while i was busy trying to improve the company and make it a success, jim,the bad man,was busy kissing the boss man's butt.
That's right.
It is ew.
It's vy ew.
Oscar,kevin,this is my sister,penny.
She's also my maid of honor.
Eased to meet you.
Oh,i'm sorry.
It's kevin? I thought it was gill.
She thought i was your boyfriend.
You thought i was dating this? What the hl is wrong with you? Oscar,it was an honest mistake.
Him? Him? Oscar,i would be proud to date you.
- I'm sorry.
- I'm not gay.
I'm kevin.
Nice to meet you.
Kevin.
- Owe an apology.
- I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean-- are you seeing anyone right now? She has a boyfriend.
He's out of town.
- Cool.
- Thank you.
I was the youngest vp in company history.
More recently,he worked in a bowling alley.
Tell 'em one of your funny bowling alley stories.
Um,also How did meredith get put at the young people's table? She probably switched cards with someone.
Like i did with erin.
What? You c-- that's Jim and pam,i can't tell you how happy i am to be here.
Head table.
Where i belong.
- It's just for family.
- I know.
Who's that one? Isabel poreba.
Oh,i got stuff on her.
In 1996,her 10th grade volleyball team went 10 and 2.
what am i supposed to do with that,dwight? That's a very good record.
Right,so i'll be like,"you're so sweet,guys.
And so kind.
",and that's when i'll do the face like-- like,"what? " right.
And then wll just give 'em a little punch to the back.
A noogie.
You ow what? Never to married Never.
For a noogie.
They have hilarious material,and they are going to totally deliver it wrong.
I would kill with the brother stuff.
It should be me up there.
Should be me and pete.
Not pete and tom.
Pam,you've got the greatestmile, - and your body is really fine.
- Smoking.
Hoping it'll make r wives kick it up a notch.
A little mo' cardio.
That's not appropriate.
Okay,a little more Hello.
Hi,everybody.
I promise i wasn't nna make a toast,d i'm not going to.
Just going to do a little freestanding comedy, and if at the end everybody wants to raise their glasses to pam and jim,then so be it.
Hey,what is the deal with the smart car? How smart is that? Those things are tiny.
Can you even drive them in traffic? "oh,i'm so smart.
"e equals mc Squared.
I--i drive a smart car.
" that's not smart in my book.
The real smart car is kitt.
- From knight rider.
- Ight rider.
That's a car that can talk.
N a art car ta? Nope.
That's not smart.
And also chitty chitty bang bang.
Very smart.
And You-- everybody can laugh.
It doesn't have to just be the idiots.
Everybody can laugh.
- Nope.
- Yeah,go ahead.
All right.
Hey,everyone.
Thanks for coming.
- Douche.
- Ah,thanks,pete.
That was really nice.
I just wt to say how happy we are that allf you are hereonight, and i want to especially thank those of you who have traveled frofar away to be here with us tonight, especially the florida cousins,who obviously can't ke a hint.
Four years ago,i was just a guy who had a crush on a girl who had a boyfriend.
And i do the hardest thing that i've ever had to do which was just to wait.
Uh,don't get me wrong.
I flirted with her.
Pam,i can now admit in front of friends and family that i do know how to make a photocopy.
Didn't need yo help that many times.
And,uh,do you remember how long it took you to teach me how to drive stick? Like,a year.
- Ve been driving stick since high school,so - Very nice.
For a really long time,that's all i had.
I just had little moments with a girl o saw me as a friend.
And a lot of peopl told me i was crazy to wait this long for a date with a girl who i worked with, but i think even then i knew that I was waiting r my we.
So I would like to propose a toast.
So if you'd all raise your glasses-- not pam, for obvious reons,but everyone else,if y would raise your glasses - What's obvious? - Why can't pam drink? Pam can't drink? Who--i didn't-- i shouldn't have said that.
I don't know why i did.
She can do whatever she wants.
Though she shouldn't.
She shouldn't,becae she's an alcoholic.
Pam is an alcoholic.
That's not true.
I--no.
What we nted-- the real reason is that,um That--that pam's pregnant.
Ok.
Okay,okay.
Hey.
What i thi jim is trying to say is that Th had an accident,and you know what? These two people,they're living together.
They are having lots of consensual sex.
- They wliving together? - Yes.
Yes,they were living tog-- yes.
And you know what? You can't expect them be careful every time, because,frankly,it's just a different sensation.
- Michael.
- When you come-- well,am i wrong? They say it's not different,but it's a different sensation - Oh,my god.
Don't.
Please.
- When you use something to block I ink everybody knows what i am talking about.
It's not necessarily different for the woman, - but it is different-- - michael.
Okay.
Okay,okay,okay.
- Michael.
Stop.
- All rit.
My point is,i said what i nted to say, and,meemaw,i hope you heard every word.
All right.
Jim.
To waiting.
To waiting.
Okay.
i should have known.
The hotel's television set had a movie on called bruno last night.
The remote control had so darn many buttons on it, i couldn't turn it off.
So i had to just sit there while it happened to me.
I wondered,"how could they pick such a hotel? " mm.
Now i know.
Meemaw.
Think it was a little uch and go at first, but we saved it,i believe.
I can't believe it was me.
I know.
I can't believe it was you,either.
I actually think it takes a lot of pressure off of me.
Is there something about being a manager that mak you say stupid things? I have not found that to be the case.
- Hey,smooth guys.
- I'm so sorry.
Can you believe it? He screwed up,not me.
Meemaw's not coming to the wedding.
She's leavin tomorrow morning.
- Oh,my god.
Are you serious? - There's gonna be a free room? Hi,meemaw.
It's michael.
Oh,you're that foul man that kept talking about intercourse.
Yes.
Yep,one and the same.
May i? I'm actually great with old women.
In fact,for the longest time,my best frie was my grandmother.
And en she met harriet,and now she thinks she's better than everybody.
I want to go to bed,but i can't.
I can't turn that television off.
Oh.
Okay,well Hook you up there.
- Oh,thank you.
- You're welcome.
It was that horrible charlie rose.
Isn't he terrible? May i? Here's the thing.
Um Meemaw,i think yo just need to chill out out this whole pam getting pregnant thing.
It's not 1890 anymore.
It's modern day.
Anwomen have sex before marriage.
And i think we need to celebrate that.
And i know in your day she would be considered a whore, ii but now women go out and they have sex and they get wild and they take their tops off and they have pictures taken of them.
And we need to encourage that.
That's part of life.
- People are like cats and dogs these days.
- Exactly.
- Thissed to be such a great country.
- I know.
I don't know what happened it.
They're gonna name the baby after y,you know? They're gonna call it meaw.
You mean sylvia.
Yes.
And if it's a boy,they will call it sylvio.
Par-tay.
Room 639.
yes.
Chicks are gonna be off the hook.
Guys too,oscar.
Like calvin klein models.
That sounds epic.
Can we bring anything? Nothing.
Except for $40 for beer and any hot chicks you know.
'Cause that would help me deliver on some prises i made.
Whoo! No one from the office has been to a real beard throw-down.
If i was a girl,i would seriously reconsider coming to this party.
But don't tell them that i said that,'cause i want them there.
And where do you thi you're gng? I was just gonna go down to the hotel bar for a little bit.
Well,why don't i just save y some time and kick you in the stomach instead? I just wanted to get out of my room for a lite while.
Okay.
I'll go with you.
Come on.
Never mind.
- Are you sure? Could fun.
- Yup.
No.
- What are you wearing? - What? It's a casual,social outfit.
Looks like you're going to a fish fry,dwight.
No,th're howling at the moon.
It's suggestive to women.
Because of howling during sex.
Okay.
Th's not appropriate,ight.
Uncool.
Uncool,dwight.
Okay.
Okay,come on.
Let's go.
Good.
It's good.
It's not a good idea.
There's no such thing as a good hairpiece.
Yeah,but that's easy enough for you to say,oscar.
You have that thick,beautiful,chicano hair.
So nice.
I'm just worried about the farm,you know? Mose hates to geld the horses by himself.
Dwight,shut up about the farm.
It's not relatable.
Nobody owns a farm.
Wait,you're worried about your horses? That's cool.
How many horses do you have? Nine and three quarters.
I invented a device called burger on the go.
It allows you to obtain six regular-sized hamburgers or without killing the animal.
George foreman is still considering it.
Sharpeimage is still consideng it.
Skymall's still conside.
Hammacheschlemmer's still considering it.
Sears said no.
Toy story,finding nemo,up,i balled the entire time.
- I can not watch pixar.
- Michael.
- Yes.
- Drop this one.
Abort.
- Why? - I found twins.
Oh,my god.
Twins.
I'm sorry.
You understand.
Niceo meet you.
Aren't they magnificent? They're men,dwight.
I ve finding a good set of twins.
Something's wrong with you.
Yeah,mereth! Nice moves! You call that a robot? Try being more robotic,okay? Like this.
Lame.
What else you got,andy? How about littleit of this? Oh,yeah? What else you got? Yeah,what else you got? Did someone change my name to baskin robbins? Because i feel like a bananaplit.
What else you got? All right.
It'll be fine.
It's gonna be fine.
Pam's here.
You'll be fine.
Pam.
I was dancing and i did a split and i landed on my car keys in my pocket.
What? I tore my scrotum.
I need you to take me to the hospital.
Andy,i'm getting married in eight hours.
Everyone else is too drunk.
Just don't let me die here.
Ey.
Where are you? Can you take andy to the hospital? - What? - He tore his scrotum dancing.
- What? - Is in my room,icing his balls.
- What? - Plse stop saying "what.
- cayou take him? - lo,i wod so take him.
" in any other circumstance,but i'm pretty certain i'm completely wasted.
Your brothers took you out drinking? That pam? Hey! Have her come out.
Have her ce out! Itl be like coyote ugly.
That's michael.
You're out with michael? Andwight.
- Pam,it just happened.
- Okay,fine.
I'll take him.
- I love you.
Okay,i got to go.
- I love you! Are you pushing me off the phone? No.
Les talk for a long time.
Good-bye.
It's after midnight.
You're married.
He's married! Oh,that's not how that works.
Oh,my g.
Congratulation you're not gonna be able to talk back.
You'll have pam to answer to.
She'll be sitting at home to sayingack.
"jim,take the baby to the zoo," 'cause i want to sit at home and eat bonbons and--and clip my toenails.
" "jim,hey,why don't you braid my hair? I want to watch tv.
" now you sound like kermit.
Are you sure this is the right way? Nope.
I,like you,have never been here before.
Well,at least slow down a little bit, because every lile bump in the road is major pain on My scrotum.
Look,i'm t the one who asked you to do a split when you'd never done one before.
,noi watrying to liven things up a little bit,okay? I was kind of doing yourob,so My job? My job is to get married in the morning.
That's my job.
Well,it's also to make sure that we have a great time at your stupid wedding,so Ust spent the night with the bride thnight before the dding.
Oh,yeah.
She stepped on my hand on her way to the bathroom,so Andy,did i dream that you were crying through the night? No.
No,that was real.
Why don't you take a picture? It'll last longer.
God.
Can ali get a little privacy? Good morning.
How can i help you? I left a pair of dress shoes in a bag outside my door last night to be cleaned and polished, but they haven't been returned yet.
You must be mr.
Malone.
One moment please.
Thanyou.
Sir,this is the man withhe shoes.
Mr.
Mane,your shoes are gone.
They were stolen? - No,deroyed.
- What? When the bag was opened by our shoeshine,the smell ovcame him.
I,too,smelled them d made the choice that they must be thrown away.
- Incinerated,actuall.
- but that was my only pair of shoes.
It became a safety issue,sir.
Well,damn it.
I can offer you a complimentary breakfast.
Okay.
You have everything? - Cell phone? Charger? - Yeah.
So you sure you don't want breakfast? It's the most important meal of the day.
It really is.
I'm not hungry.
I ate a whole bunch of sunflower seeds afteyou went to sleep.
And besides,i wouldn't want to take you away from pam onhe morning of her wedding.
She needs you,isabel.
That's really sweet,dwight.
Well.
So i'll see you at the wedding? - You know it.
- 'Kay.
- Okay.
Get out of here.
- Bye.
Okay? Hey.
Good morning.
It's about damn time.
I haven't gone to the bathroom a day and a half.
Oh,my god,dwight! This room is a pit.
Really? Hadn't noticed.
Too sy knockin' boots.
How can you eat like that? I'm ravenous after a night of lovemaking.
You? Yeah,i'm hungry,but i'm not gonna make a pig out of myself.
Hey,what was she like? She was cute.
You know,she was hot.
She was very hot.
She made love li a tiger.
Bride side or groom side? Or townie? She was from europe.
- No kidding.
- Uh-huhi know.
- Bet she had hairy armpits.
- No.
Isabel was nice,but i hope she doesn't think this is going anywhere.
Wait a second.
You're not into her? Are you kidding me? - No.
- She's pam's best friend.
You guys could double date.
- Ap maybe? - Oh,please.
Put a gun in my uth.
No,you're crazy.
Look,she's a dental hygiest from carbondale, and she makes love like one.
She's a bumpkin.
Pass.
You have to take x-rays.
You have to scrape the plaque off ofeople's teeth.
You hao tell kids when to spit and make sure that they're not scared when the dentist comes in.
- It--it-- - you should ask her out.
I already have a european girlfriend.
Oh,my god.
Oscar.
Angela.
Are you in a lot of pain? Oh 'cause of last night? No way.
Reports have been exaggerated.
Weddings make me very emotional.
I,uh,i just have that side to me.
Yeah,people say you cry all the time.
Well,that's.
Crotch injuries arthe worst.
You don't need to tell me.
I wasn't telling you.
- There's stl something there? - Excuse me? It didn't get torn off? No,they didt-- nothing got torn off.
Who told you that? I may have told some people that.
I'm nervous.
I'm about to get married.
If youant to sit on this I was thinking the wood might be too hard on your damaged penis.
Make it softer.
It's my scrotum.
Um,and it was.
Thank you.
Sure.
Here we go.
They asked for cash,bu you know,i give 'em cash every week.
So how much cash does a person need? I have taken it upon myself to do something a little more special.
I have painted a portrait of the two of them from memory.
And i have another one them in the nude.
But that one is for me.
I got them a set of turtle-iling pots,shell hammer,and bibs.
Is it zipping overour belly? Don't squish the by.
Thank you,weirdo.
Everybody see kristy's stupid,blond extensions? E it's like they were made from a plastic broom.
Okay,here com oh,pam.
Oh,darling,you look beautiful.
Thanks,mom.
- I hope he deserves you.
- He does.
Are you sure? Remember,you don't have to do this.
You don't.
M,you're totally projecting and being a drag.
Yes.
Thank you,mom.
Hey,um,i'm gonna go outside and talk to dwight.
Oh,okay.
Great.
Yeah,i'll see you in a second.
Wait,what? Oh! Oh,no.
Can you come here please? Is this allowed? No,no.
But i'm allowing it.
Just come here.
That was an intelligent comment.
Hello,strger.
How do i look? Oh.
Fine.
Abel,nice to see you.
What do you want? Um,nothing Anymore.
So,uh,tell me again the difference between filene's and filene's basement.
He's not sitting with me,either.
Where are you sitting? You need a seat,buddy? I'm standing.
I'm a bridesmaid.
Oh.
I wish i was a bridesmaid.
Where am i gonna go? - You look - Terrible.
So beautiful.
My veil tore.
I knew when we were getting married ani'm five months pregnant that i'm not gonna be able to wear the dress that i always wanted,or high heels.
Hey.
You look just as i imagined you.
Pam,you're so pretty.
Thank you.
And who cares? It's a stupid veil,right? No,this is the one thing i was supposed to be able to control was this veil.
There.
Now we're even.
Everyone's driving me crazy.
I knoway too muc about andy's scrotum, and my mom won't stop freaking out about my dad's new girlfriend.
Ugh.
This is supposed to be our wedding day.
Why did we invite all these people? Thoffim ran away usshe knew deep dodown she uldn't be a good wife.
Yes.
Whatre you doing? I'm trying to decide if i have time to pee.
- How long do you take to pee? - The peeing is fast,oscar.
It's getting my tie back on.
Do you--would you have a snack in your purse? You're a mom.
I just figured you might have-- Oh.
Ooh,apricot.
Do you have any of the very berry or ocean splash,or--? - No.
- Oh.
Okay.
Were you saving it? Oh,no,no.
That's okay.
I just,uh I've had a very rough weekend.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
Ugh.
Apricot.
Made of real apes.
- Do you thi ey cancel? - Relax.
You'll get your shot at jim.
Those two treat the whole offi like a 1970s key party.
My weekend's bad so far.
Oh i cameere hoping to meet somebody.
You know,as you do at weddings.
End up going to sleep by the vending machine.
It was loud,but it was warm.
Oh,that sounds awful.
And-- and the love of my life is dating somebody else.
Oh it's just It is a terrible yea for love.
Yeah.
I guess it is.
Thinking about having my sperm frozen.
Excuse me,are you michael scott? Um,yeah.
Ard you might have a whoopee cushion on you.
Our sister's in the can,and we totally want to get he when she comes back.
Oh.
Wow.
That sous hilarious.
I do,actual.
There you .
Use it in good health.
Whoa,whoa,whoa.
Wait a minute.
What is the etiquette on taking the gift can you only take your own back, or is it a whatever-you-can-carry type of thing? Anyone have anything they want to trade for a toaster? - Does it have slotfor hot dogs? - No.
Who would want it? Guys,maybe we should wait a little more time before we star grabbing boxes.
- Toby.
- Dwight.
I'd like to lodge a formal complaint against jim for making us wait for over an hour.
God.
You.
Get in there.
well,i guess this wedding is not gonna happen.
Woer if this is it for them.
Hey,what happened? Where were you guys? Do you know how long i've been waiting here? Well,we areere now,so let's go.
S! Yes! I have so much joy in my heart right now.
How do i look? - You look great.
- You look great.
Wear a tie much? I begged them not to.
I know you specifically put this song on your do not play list.
- Yes,i did.
- I'sorry.
Go ahead.
I think it'sour turn wait,what happened? You're okay with this? Yeah,i'm okay.
Okay then.
- Hey,pam.
Did you see this? It was on youtube.
- Saw it.
I bought those boat tickets the day i saw that youtube video.
I knew we'd ne a backup plan.
The boat was actually plan c,the urch was plan b, and plan a was marrying her a long,lo time ago.
Pretty muc the day i met her.
Ob wh an awesome party.
E best wedding i've ever been to.
I got six numbs.
One more would have been a complete telephone number.
This waspic.
Myleenex shoes were a huge conversation pie,but man,myogs are barking.
My feet were ssweaty,i can't ev feel the cold.
What a lovely hotel.
Okay.