Workaholics s06e04 Episode Script

1 Oh, heads up, Jillian.
Coffee is for closers.
Well, I don't even drink coffee.
Mm, well, actually, sweetheart, bagels-- also for closers.
Mmm.
That's not very good.
Sugar-free vanilla creamer, also for-- I'm sorry, I don't remember your name, but I think you know what I was about to say, and the word is "closers.
" All right, everyone, come and have a seat, please.
- It's for closers.
- Yeah, we're closers, so All right, everyone, we have a very special guest today.
Let me introduce Sigourney.
- Thank you, Alice.
- You're welcome.
Hi, everybody.
I'm Sigourney Goulet.
Most of you know me as the product rep from MenCo.
For years, we've had products such as men's intimacy endurance spray.
Well, we are going to just throw all of that in the trash Because today we're no longer MenCo.
We are now - FemCo! - Huh? The future leaders in feminine retail.
That's right, ladies, huh? And the very first product that we're gonna bring to market is the Boobillow.
The Boobillow is an ergonomic wedge-shaped pillow that allows very large-breasted women to sleep comfortably on their stomachs.
Yes? Hi, um, question-- - just to be clear - Yes.
So you're telling us we are allowed to call women and talk to them about their breasts? Well, yes, but when dealing with a sensitive subject-- Cool! We finally get to talk titties at work.
- All right! - Yeah, baby! - Dude, I'm gonna call my dad.
- You got to.
You have to.
I'm gonna try to contact my father.
I'm fresh You gotta, we gotta, you gotta Gotta be fresh - 06x04 - "Death of a Salesdude" Dudes, dudes, dudes, check it out.
I got a girl on here who wants to buy two Boobillows-- One for her and one for her sister with back issues.
Hey, that lady's back issue is giving me a front issue that's gonna require a ton of tissue.
- I get it.
Like ejaculation.
- Yeah, to clean up.
Oh, dude, that is funny, dude! Yes, um, what size are your breasts? Are we talking kumquats or grapefruits? And be honest.
You're on speakerphone.
- Hello? - Hello? What you working with, girl? Okay, I think I lost her.
Lost another one! - We're gonna lose many more.
Oh, I thought it was gonna break.
Oh, man, yesterday was so frickin' awesome, right? - Yeah.
- I love my job.
I love my life, and dare I say I love my friends? Oh, man, I love you right back.
Dude, I got a girl's number yesterday.
- What? - Yeah, from my list of leads.
- But you got it.
- Yeah, and I texted it.
And now it's just a waiting game.
Hey, guys, over here now.
Well You guys were all terrible yesterday-- awkward, creepy, and with total sales of zero.
Luckily, all the saleswomen in the office killed it.
So that's why I'm transferring more women from other departments to take over your call lists.
First they take "Ghostbusters," now our phones? Okay, Alice, what are we supposed to do, then, huh? From this point on, all men are support staff.
Okay, well, she's lucky I don't have my bo staff.
I'm sorry.
What was that? - Nothing.
- Yeah.
I'm sure--he was-- what you were trying to say was, like, if these were guy-centric products, right, we'd be selling the crap out of them, Alice.
It's just this stuff, we don't-- - Can I have one moment? - No.
- Just give me one moment.
- No--Don't touch me.
Fine.
- Just give me one moment.
- Ugh.
I just want a moment.
We just want one moment.
What moment are we doing? - We're gonna do - We're doing that? Yes, it's fine.
Premature ejaculation is the number-one problem facing the American penis today.
But with the male intimacy endurance spray, just spritz your member four times Close it down.
Get underneath.
And I guess it'll take a few seconds to kick in.
- He just touched his ding-dong.
- Ticktock, ticktock.
Adam, go ahead and kick me in the dads.
- It's show-and-tell, baby.
- Really? Yeah, man, we're selling these people.
MenCo.
Ow, you spit your gum.
That was awesome.
That was cool.
Another satisfied customer.
I'd like to give it a shot.
I'm left-handed.
And I'm all good.
I'm fine.
Dragon Punch! Dragon Punch! Whoa.
Whoa, did you time out that ding? No, I think somebody got a text.
- That was incredible! - Put them on vibrate, please.
Yeah, put them on vibrate.
This is a presentation.
So do you want us to get on the phones now or? No.
But I am going to sleep better at night, knowing that you can't have children now.
Ooh.
Okay, Alice.
Hello.
Excuse me.
I need my first cup of coffee ever, immediately.
Blake, you heard her.
Go get some coffee.
Are we gonna get those leads anytime soon? Go fetch, Stretch.
Move it.
Okay, Alice, hey, real quick, I know that Jillian is on the phones now, so you will need a new assistant, right? You know what? Fine.
I will think about it.
But for now, you're a floater.
Ew.
Was that a poop joke? No, of course not.
Okay, good, 'cause just know that I hate poop jokes.
All right, this is working out great so far.
Hey, gals, check out my new assistant.
Oh, hey, uh, is it garbage day? 'cause, uh, it looks like someone took the junk out of your pants.
But, hey, peep that caboose.
- Oh.
- Ooh.
- Oops.
- Uh-oh.
Whoopsy-daisy.
Could you get it for me, Blake? - Of course.
Of course.
- Thanks, Blake.
Ooh.
Okay, turn, so I can see.
Turn, turn, yeah.
Turn-- And pivot.
- Oh, yeah.
- That's where it's at.
Lower.
Excuse me? - Lower.
- Yeah.
- And now in.
- In? Yeah.
In, but down.
No, no, no, spread the legs more.
- Spread as much as you can.
- I'm-- Yeah, that's about-- And now just-- And now just [bleep.]
it.
- Okay.
- Now just [bleep.]
the ground.
- Okay.
- Pop it! Pop it! Pop it and dip it in! In! In! In! I'm done.
- What? - You can leave now.
- All right, sorry.
Hello, ladies, got some hot, fresh leads for you.
Oh, yeah, for us? 'cause we do your job now, right? Anyway, if you guys ever wanted any pointers, sisters, feel free to bend my ear, and-- Oh, please enlighten us.
Yeah, that'd be great.
Make a sa-- Oh, cool, yeah.
- I'll make a sale.
Yeah, I mean-- - Oh, yeah, come on.
Yeah, I want to see that.
See what you got.
- Watch how it's done.
- We haven't been able to.
Yeah, okay, can I call Marcia? Is that cool? Yeah, Marcia's next.
I'm actually not getting a dial tone.
That's weird.
Could be because you're not a salesman, bitch.
Now get! - You didn't even plug it in? - No, it wasn't plugged in.
Good afternoon, ladies! Chocolate for you, chocolate for you.
Sorry about the new attire.
I spilled a little coffee on myself.
Had to borrow a spare from my main man, Rob.
Ooh! Hey, just let me know if you need anything from me using my strength or my muscles.
- Fresh mail.
Hot off the boat.
- Thank you.
Hey, I know what you're thinking-- "Is this guy Alice Murphy assistant material?" Well, I'm about to prove to you that I would.
Excuse me, sales angels! I've arranged a special beef tenderloin lunch that I will be serving myself in the break room at noon.
Who's hungry? Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
If you feed 'em at work, they won't take an hour for lunch.
Oh, I never suspected you had a brain.
I just want to use my muscles and my mind and open up shop right here and be your number-one guy, using my muscles and my mind.
All right, well, I'll think about it.
But for now, let's just keep you at my, like, number-20 guy.
I'll live with that.
Ah, these women, my gosh.
Can't live with 'em, can't have sex with 'em, 'cause they don't like me.
Whatever.
Hey, Blake.
Jillian? Keep "potty-ing.
" Hey, you know what I was thinking? You would look so much prettier if you wore your hair up in a bun.
Oh, the nape of your neck is so elegant.
You know what, Blake? I like a man bun Up top and on bottom.
So shake-a da wee-wee off-a da pee-pee and go get me a coffee.
She gone? Who's in here? You can't stand for that bull[bleep.]
! It's time to fight back for men's rights.
I can't fight a woman, Bill.
She'd kick my ass.
Well, you know what I'd do? Poo in a plastic bag, flatten it out like a pancake, stick it in the freezer for a few hours.
You know how those bitches always leave their windows cracked open in the Rancho heat? You slide the poo disc through Jillian's window, and when she gets into her car after work, she's got a poo puddle waiting for her.
That's insane, Bill.
I've got a poo disc in the freezer, if you want it? Oh, my gosh, I thought that was - a Jimmy Dean breakfast sausage.
- Nope.
Superglue for a super bitch.
What up? Jillian says she needs you to come tuck her napkin into her shirt.
Of course, yes.
She asked me to tidy up as well, which I'm doing, and, also, I'm making a personal call to my father.
Okay.
Okay, bye.
Oh, shoot.
Ah! Ow! Ow! Ow! Hey, buddy.
A little medium raw, please.
Loin is for closers only.
It is.
Loin's for closers.
There you go.
Enjoy the loin.
Sorry, honey.
Come on, man.
They've all eaten.
There's, like, a ton of leftover loin.
Mm, in fact, there's no leftover loin.
Ders Know your place.
Have you forgotten what's it's like to make a sale? - I don't remember anything before putting on this apron and getting the attention of a lifetime.
Good luck with that.
- Wow.
- Bye! It's good to be back.
Hello, ma'am? Hi.
Uh, my name's Anders Holmvik, and I'm calling to talk to you about your blobs.
I-- Sorry.
I'm calling to talk to you about your knock-wobbles.
Sorry.
I'm calling to talk to you about your chest bombs, ma'am, I mean-- I'm just calling to talk to you about your tits.
Hello? You stupid, dumb dick.
Aah! Wait a second.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Just-- You can do this.
It's not bad, actually.
He's insane Hey, gals, got a tasty bit of trivia.
It turns out that, uh, Jillian here has quite the embarrassing tattoo.
- No, I--no, I don't.
- Yes.
You have a real tattoo? You guys want-- you want to see it? - Yes.
- Yeah! All right, fine.
I'll show you.
Fine.
I'll show it to you too, Blake - Oh, good.
- Since you're so interested.
Ladies can you unzip? This ought to be real good.
- Whoa.
- Whoa! - It's big.
- Jillian, that is badass.
I had no idea.
No, it's not badass.
It's embarrassing.
I wanted the same tat as my granddaddy, and I took the photo in to show the tattoo artist, and he just-- he messed up, and he tattooed the whole photo.
Polaroids are a throwback, and that means that is dope.
Girl, you got a throwback back.
- You really think so? - Yeah.
- You guys are dope.
- You are.
You're dope.
Could you zip me up? Thanks, sisters.
Sister! Did you come at me? I will fudging end you.
I will rip off your head and fudge it down your neck.
Okay, all right, all right.
All right, sorry.
Hello, hi, uh, yes, uh, Mrs.
Wilson? How are you? My name's Anders Holmvik, and I'm calling to tell you how how the Boobillow breast pillow rest is going to change your life.
I made a sale.
Phyllis Wilson--34F.
But I neutralized my sexuality, so I don't care.
Is this true, Jillian? Um, Phyllis Wilson, you said? Um, no, I made that sale this morning.
- He's a liar.
- No, I'm not.
I'm not lying, okay? I have nothing to lie about.
Yeah, I, like, almost cared for two seconds.
- Right? - No, no.
But I sprayed the stuff, so I can't feel a thing.
Did you feel that? No.
Not down there.
But, yeah.
Yeah, up here.
One! Two! - Three! Four! Five! - Aah! Oh! Aah! I cramped up there.
Very good, Adam.
- That's very strong.
- Very strong.
Thank you.
All right, listen up, everybody.
Sales of the Boobillow have been so amazing that I just signed a contract with FemCo to sell their products exclusively.
Which means these kick-ass office changes are permanent! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! - Hey, psst.
- Jesus.
Come on in here.
- Go.
He's coming.
He's coming.
- I know.
Okay.
These women have to be stopped, all right? - I can't take this anymore.
- It's true, man.
Jillian is a monster.
Mere seconds ago, she told me she wanted to butt-fudge me in the mouth or something.
- I don't know.
- Ow! Ow, my eyes! They hurt! They hurt from how ugly you are when you complain.
This is, like, an amazing time to be a man.
Finally we get "oogled" and ogled and-- and get sexualized.
I mean, he did always love that.
Yeah, but he also loved sales.
Guys, women rule the world, and it's time that we accept that.
Let's be on the right side of histor-she.
- No.
- What did you just say? - Histor-she.
- No, no, no, no, no.
That is not the word.
- It is his-story.
- Adam Miss Murphy, I got you a warm, steaming travel mug of Darjeeling Limited Edition Tazo tea.
Yeah, you can just put that down anywhere, Adam.
What's going on here? Is he assaulting you? Do I need to frickin' throw down right now? Is that what I need to do? Okay, cut it out, Adam.
Gil is my new assistant.
What kind of massaging are you even doing, Gil? You don't even know massaging.
What kind of massaging is that? Foot.
That makes sense.
I thought I was your number one.
Yeah, well, right now you're acting like a number two.
Was that a poop joke? Yep.
I got to say something.
- Yeah, yeah.
- No, do it.
Ahem! Ahem! I wanted to just say something to the women of this office, and that is that I think things need to change, if that's okay.
No, no, no, he's right.
Because the way you are treating us is like used meat, and we're not meat.
We're men with feelings.
Treat us thusly.
Whoops.
Oh, I dropped my popcorn.
I guess you guys are gonna have to come pick it up.
- Yeah, whoo! - Pick it all up.
It's not gonna do it itself.
Oh, missed a spot.
We haven't even started, Jillian.
Oh, hey, would it be easier if you took your tops off? Show me your titties! Unbutton your buttons! Unbutton your buttons! Unbutton your buttons! Unbutton your buttons! Unbutton your buttons! Stand up! Cover yourselves! What is wrong with you women? For days, we've been held down by the matriarchy which is a word I recently looked up, and it means when women control things.
We are not gonna stand by and be harassed and controlled by you 'cause men are invaluable, and we should be treated as such.
No! No! That wasn't-- I'm not a piece of meat! I'm not a piece of meat! Just as women burned bras in the '70s to be hot, I shall burn this Boobillow for men's rights! To infinity and beyond! - Men rule.
Men-- - Whoa! - Fire! - Fire! Fire! Watch it! Where's Sigourney? Oh, she's still in there! Oh, my God, where's Sigourney? All right, women, shut up and stand back.
Heroism is man business.
That's right-- shut up and stand--stand back and--and grab on to your tampon string.
Yeah, everybody shut up, 'cause the men are about to s-save the day.
- Yeah.
Here we go.
- Save the day.
- That's what we're gonna do.
- All right, save the day! - Men doing men stuff! - We got this.
- All right.
- Whoa! Be careful.
Everyone's out.
Everyone's safe.
- Guys? - Sigourney? - Help! Oh, thank God.
My beautiful boys are in there! Save them! Are you okay? Are you okay? We're gonna be okay.
We're gonna be okay.
I'm good.
You want to know why we're OK? Because we were saved by some guys.
Yeah, some real manly male fire-men.
- That's right.
- That is right.
Yeah.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Oh, yes! - Yes! - Dudes! That's what I'm talking about.
Thanks, man.
Good stuff, good stuff.
Well, everyone, I would love to be able to fire Adam for setting the office on fire, but, unfortunately, FemCo is taking full responsibility, because the Boobilows were so highly flammable.
Whoo! Everyone will resume their normal jobs.
Thanks, [bleep.]
-tard.
You're welcome.
I'm here to help.
Whoa, heads up.
Coffee's for closers.
Actually, I quit coffee.
I mean, sure, the caffeine turned me into a sales beast that made me enough money to fix my back tat, but-- I sure will miss that cubicle, though.
Yeah.
Nice.