American Dad s06e05 Episode Script

(upbeat march plays) Good morning, USA! I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shining a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say Good Good morning, USA Aah! Damn it, Stan, I want to talk about this! Terry, quick, Stan and Francine are fighting.
Ooh, you think it'll get violent? I'll open a good wine.
We'll talk about it later.
Oh, you always say that.
And when bring it up later, you just push it off.
I do push it.
I push it real good.
Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh Duh-dah-dah-dah-dah aah, push it Push it real good.
Coming this way.
Act casual.
Never wants to talk.
Having a cigarette.
I don't care what the pack says.
Francine, you okay? My father turned He's not getting any younger.
I tried to talk to Stan about moving my parents to town, but he refuses to even discuss it.
That must be tough, you two having the same argument every year.
What? No, we don't.
This is the first time I've ever brought it up.
Francine, I want you to come home right now.
I'm not going anywhere with you.
Oh, this is a private discussion.
We'll leave you two alone.
I'm sorry, okay? You're just saying you're sorry because you want this conversation to be over.
(takes deep breath) You're right.
You're right.
We need some help communicating.
I think we should see a therapist.
Really? You would do that for me? For us.
Oh, Stan.
I'll find someone for us to talk to.
Let's go home.
Aah, I saw it.
Look what I won at the carnival.
She's beautiful.
Yeah, the good Lord used every crayon in the box when he made this gal.
I'm gonna stick an M80 in her (bleep) and blow her to bits.
Wait.
Why don't you drop her in my bowl? I'd be happy for the companionship even if it is with a normal non-speaking fish.
Wow, look at you.
Hooking up with a colored girl.
Hi, I'm Klaus.
What's your sign? Pisces? (laughing) My husband never wants to hear me out.
Instead of talking things through, he just pushes me off.
Don't worry, I'll fix everything.
Let's start with you, Francine.
I want you to feel completely relaxed.
Imagine warm liquid filling your body-- starting at your feet and rising slowly to your head.
When I snap my fingers, you are going to fall into a deep, dream-like state.
(snaps fingers) So, Stan, want me to give her the regular? Yup, Sal, time for her annual tune-up.
Ooh, mixed nuts There's quite a few things I'd like you to make her forget.
She wants to move her parents to town again, huh? Every year on her dad's birthday.
There we go.
There's the winner.
Here's a list of some other things I'd like repressed this year.
She talked about getting a puppy again-- let's get rid of that.
She wanted to get a subway map shower curtain-- need to nip that in the bud.
She wants me to start picking my shoes up off the floor.
She's also been grousing about the night I sleep-punched her.
And there's plenty more.
Oh, and while you're knocking around in there, get her to love the films of Emilio Estevez.
How great is that guy? He's a Sheen, he's from an acting dynasty, yet he chooses to be Mexican.
Makes it huge.
Realizes people have had enough of him, and is decent enough to fall off the face of the Earth.
(howling): Emi-lio-ooo! No problem.
Do your magic.
I'm going to get a sandwich across the street.
Oh, I'll take a Never mind, then.
All righty, then, Francine.
You will stop submitting captions for the New Yorker cartoon contest.
You'll stop saying the phrase, "You are a card, and you need to be dealt with.
" You will awake in one hour.
You will remember nothing of this session.
Okay, good to go.
Thanks, Sal.
Francine, you are stiff as a board.
(bangs head on doorjamb) Next year I'll have you hypnotize my penis.
(both laughing) Ah.
(bangs head on doorjamb) Hey there, sleepyhead, you up for a Mighty Ducks marathon? (gasps, kisses) Sorry to intrude, guys.
It's my father's birthday.
He turned 69 and he's not getting any younger.
And you want to discuss your parents moving to town, but Stan won't talk about it.
Yes.
H-How did you know? Because you come over every year, say the same thing and pube-up our hot tub.
I-I don't do that.
Honey, let's go see a therapist.
Oh, you'd do that for me? Ugh.
I saw it again.
You know she has one.
Why do you keep staring at it? I don't trust it.
I don't want to turn my back on it.
I now pronounce you man-fish and wife.
Now for my payment.
Honk, honk.
Pleasure doing business with you.
(noisy kissing) Uh, hey, I got you a wedding present.
Oh, Pumpkin, look, our new home.
Now let's get this party started.
(party music playing) (dolphin-like squawks) (snaps fingers) Great.
Here's this year's list of things I need adiosed.
I'm gonna go grab a sandwich.
Oh, I'll have a And when you awake, you will remember everything Stan has made me repress over the last 20 years! No!! (thunder rumbling) Maybe once in a while, I can get off.
Let's talk about it later.
(thunder rumbling) Stan, I think we should get Hayley and Bailey vaccinated.
We'll talk about it later.
(thunder rumbling) Ow! Son of a bitch! You punched me! Talk later.
(thunder rumbling) Why, Sal? You've been coming here for two decades-- never once offered to bring me a sandwich.
Uh Francine, you've never been more relaxed.
Your body is filling with liquid Oh! (howling): Emi-lio-ooo! So instead of discussing things with me, you take me to a hypnotist?! We could've gone to a real therapist and worked on our problems.
I don't like airing my personal business in front of an audience.
But I do like using those steel pee-troughs at the stadium.
I don't know if it's because it sounds like rain, or it's just the sight of all those eager Johnsons working together-- Stan Let's play "Hide and Don't Seek.
" I'll hide in my plate room, you don't seek me.
We know the game is over when you've made me dinner.
Oh, my porcelain, ginger-haired prankster.
No one has a sense of humor anymore.
Stan, we are going to talk about this now.
Wait more memories are coming back.
This wasn't always your plate room.
This was my work-space.
Why did I need a work-space? Uh, you didn't.
Let's go on vacation right now.
The Poconos.
Sounds funny.
Hey, I had a secret hiding place.
What's on this tape? Nothing.
And we don't have a VCR anymore so you'll have to take my word for it.
Roger still has one.
Because you didn't buy him a DVD player like he wanted for his quinceañera.
(grunting): Eh, eh, eh, eh.
Hey! My Angela Lansbury workout.
Why Miss Lansbury, you ask? Well, I've come to accept that I have the body of a post-menopausal senior woman.
I do, I'm at peace with it.
Any other woman in the audience the tallest member of her family? Oh, my God, that's right! I was a stand-up comic! Well, my adoptive parents are Chinese.
So I'm the tallest member in generations.
I go to my family reunion and they're all like "Godzilla, aw!" (laughter) Funny.
In first grade they sent me home with lice.
My parents said, "Of course she has lice.
She has it for runch everyday.
" I can say it, you can't.
(laughing) You're good.
Yay.
Why on earth would you make me forget I was a stand-up comedienne? You started working nights; it affected my schedule.
I talked to Sal about it, and he said I don't like change.
I have an aversion to it.
(Roger laughing uncontrollably) An aversion.
Can you imagine how hard that's been on me? I get it.
I get it.
I'll go get ready for sex.
(laughing hysterically) You really think I was funny? You're hilarious.
All you need is a manager, and you're on your way.
I wouldn't even know where to begin to find a Sweeps McCullough, talent manager.
I used to represent every sitcom neighbor and sidekick in the '80s.
I discovered Mindy Cohn, Willie Aames, the slow kid from Life Goes On.
Was that a comedy? Was to me.
Anyway, I've been down on my luck as of late, but I still know talent.
I want to make you a star.
Shut your eyes.
Why? (screaming): Ow! Ow.
Ow.
Sorry about that.
I made the confetti out of cut-up tuna can lids.
Now about your career I'm flattered, but this all happened 20 years ago.
I might not be good anymore.
Nonsense.
Once you've got it, you never lose it.
You have talent herpes.
I have regular herpes.
Thank you, Mindy Cohn.
So what do you say, you in? I can't believe Stan made me forget all this.
Hell, yes, I'm in.
Good.
We'll start with with the standup-slash-topless bar circuit and work our way up.
I have to perform topless? You're not topless.
The staff is topless.
You want to get noticed? Your ha-has have to be bigger than their ta-tas.
Are you sure about all this? Remember when Rudy from The Cosby Show got old and stopped being cute? I brought them Raven-Symone.
Saw her on a Philadelphia playground and knew she was a star.
Snatched her right up.
Six months later, her parents saw her on TV and realized she was still alive.
Did some time for that.
So, you ask, am I sure about this? I don't know.
She's a terrible wife.
She has no maternal instincts.
She can't be that bad.
She ate three of the children! (gasps) And poor little Susan, she only ate half of her.
She wasn't even hungry.
She was just eating to eat! Coming from an Asian family, my parents had never seen boobs.
No cup size was bigger than an A.
And that was my dad's.
(laughter) You know why Chinese couples can't have their own Caucasian babies? Because two Wongs don't make a white.
(loud laughter) I called in a bunch of favors and put together a talent showcase at the mother of all stripper-slash-comedy clubs.
Hilareola's? You got me booked at Hilareola's?! A bunch of TV execs are gonna be there.
You're my ticket back to the bigs.
No.
This is exactly what I was trying to avoid.
My whole world is changing.
Dinner's not on the table, I'm wearing dirty shirts, there's no one taking my shoes upstairs.
We'll talk about it later.
How does that feel? By the look on his face, not good.
(applause inside club) You boys are going to eat her up.
What? TV people don't do this anymore? No.
Stan, what are you doing here? I just came to wish you luck.
This is a big night.
Huge night.
Now, I don't want to scare you, but the place is packed with TV executives.
Lot of pressure.
If you're trying to rattle me, it won't work.
(applause) M.
C.
: Welcome to Hilareola's.
Tonight we have Langley Falls' (takes deep breath) blossoming new comedienne, Francine Ling.
Don't blow it.
Your material's as tired as your face.
(applause) How's everyone do? (audience gasping) (audience murmuring) Well, you tried, Francine.
FOX ordered six episodes for a sitcom based on my stand-up.
What?! I'm leaving for Hollywood.
But I saw you throw up onstage.
You shouldn't have left.
She riffed for 20 minutes on how Chinese food looks like vomit.
"Mongolian barf-ecue.
" Hilarious! (laughing) I'll send for my things.
You can't just leave.
Stan, you don't control me anymore.
I'm going to live my life, and you can't stop me.
I'm going, too.
I'm a non-writing producer, which means I get paid to do nothing.
I might even be a hindrance.
I'm gonna call everyone to tell them Sweeps is coming to town.
I'm gonna get off the plane and go right to Dana Plato's grave.
I owe it to her.
I killed her.
TERRY: And that's the news.
We'll be back with sports.
ANNOUNCER: What happens when an adopted white girl is raised by a Chinese family? This fall on Fox.
Francine Ling and P.
D.
Wang star in White Rice.
Chopstick around.
It's egg foo fun for the whole family.
I miss her, Klaus.
Really? I couldn't tell.
What am I gonna do? Change.
Huh? If you want her back, then you're going to have to change.
Don't let your marriage fall apart like mine did.
I hate your face so much.
(lively chatter) I love show night rehearsal.
It's a chance to fine-tune the show before they bring the audience in.
It's also my chance to pick out one of the extras to pork.
Hey, Toots, you want a part on the show? Let's see 'em.
Sir, that is sexual harassment.
Not if I don't have a boner.
Know the law.
Okay, Francine, you're getting ready for your father's 70th birthday party, and action.
Uncle Fung is bringing dessert and Dan will be home any minute.
Does he have to come to my birthday? He's my husband.
We know, but he is white.
I'm white.
You are a reverse banana.
You are white on outside, yellow on inside.
Laugh, laugh, laugh You two exit to the kitchen.
Dan, you enter and cross to Francine.
Dan, I need to talk to you about something.
My father's turning 70, and he's not getting any younger.
I've got dessert.
You're amazing, P.
D.
Let's break for dinner.
We shoot in one hour.
(bell rings) We're hitting our stride, Frannie.
Shooting our sixth episode.
Premiering next week.
I can't believe my husband didn't want me to have all of this.
Well, I can tell you this I need some money for more coke.
(tires squealing) I'm coming, baby.
(tires squealing) (horns honking) (cans rattling) Do you have a drive-on? (deep voice): I'm Kristen Johnston.
Oh, yes, of course, Ms.
Johnston.
He's my husband.
MOTHER: We know, but he is white.
FRANCINE: I'm white.
You are a reverse banana.
What? You are white on outside, yellow on inside.
(laughter) Is this where Francine Ling lives? Uh, this is a set.
And this is a fist.
(laughter) Francine, we need to talk.
Stan, what are you doing here? I'm not afraid of change.
I Oh, I didn't realize you had people over.
(laughter) Who is that guy? It's Kristen Johnston.
Just keep rolling.
Look, I got that gold chain you wanted to talk about.
I'm also wearing cargo shorts, like you wanted.
Ten years ago you wanted to paint the kitchen purple.
I painted it.
I have 20 dogs in the car.
One for every year you asked for one.
All the things you ever wanted, I did.
I've changed for you.
It turns out the only change I can't live with is losing you.
AUDIENCE: Aw! I've got dessert.
Get out or I'll shoot you.
(audience laughing) Stan, I'm touched that you made all these changes, but that's not what I wanted.
It-it isn't? No.
I just wanted to talk those things through.
I wasn't sure about them.
That's why I needed to discuss them with you.
Now that I see the kitchen purple, it looks terrible.
And those shorts make you look boxy.
And who knows, maybe I wouldn't like getting off.
Phew.
(audience laughing) And as for my stand-up career, if we had just talked it through, you would've realized it didn't mean I would leave you.
You could have come with me.
There's a CIA office out here in Los Angeles.
Oh, yeah, I never thought of that.
This is incredibly unprofessional.
(gunshot) (screaming) (audience laughing) (applause) I'm really sorry, Francine.
This time, I can tell you really are sorry.
So, I accept your apology.
AUDIENCE: Aw Cut! Lightning in a bottle.
(snorting) Yes! Oh, there is no downside to this drug.
So, you guys want to go get some steaks at the Brown Derby? I'd like to make a toast to Francine and to tonight's premiere of White Rice.
It is going the distance.
That's what I told Meredith Baxter-Birney on the set of Family Ties.
That's when she was still a fan of the meat rod.
(guzzling) I can't wait to tell the kids about moving to California.
It's like a dream come true.
You deserve it, baby.
Quiet.
The show's coming on.
(gong clanging) Hi, Mah Mah, what's for dinner? Eel in cow eyeball sauce.
It called the guck nu.
Sounds more like ANNOUNCER: It's an all-new episode of Fits In The Hole.
Oh, my God.
Look how fat she is in that silver suit.
I don't think she's gonna make it.
Roger, what happened to White Rice? Right.
It's probably just a programming mistake.
Yeah, this is Sweeps.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh! Okay, thanks! We've been cancelled.
(glass breaking) (door closes) After one joke? Apparently, the Asian community is in an uproar.
Oh.
well.
Can I borrow your belt? And this chair? Sweeps is dead! He hung himself! No! I never gave you my belt.
You didn't? Give it to me.
Sweeps is dead! Okay, Bah Bah, bye.
Wow, I can't believe my father's turning 70.
Stan, I really think we should talk about them moving to town.
Okay, let's talk about it.
I think it's a terrible idea.
(sighs) Me, too.
Stan, I need to borrow your shovel.