Bewitched (1964) s06e05 Episode Script

We're all set.
The car's in the driveway with the motor open and the door running.
That's good.
- How do you feel? - I feel fine.
Yeah? The important thing is not to panic.
You're not the first woman to have a baby, and you won't be the last.
Yes, sweetheart, and it's not even my first baby.
Dr Anton.
We forgot to call Dr Anton.
No, no, no.
I called him before I woke you up.
- He's meeting us at the hospital.
- Good.
Tabitha.
Who's gonna stay with Tabitha? Esmeralda.
I yoo-hooed for her.
She's up in the guest room, prepared for duty.
Well, in that case, we took care of everything.
Yes, we did.
- Darrin.
- Sweetheart, will you get in the car? - We're wasting time.
- Just one quick question.
- What? - Shouldn't I drive? - In your condition? - I was thinking about your condition.
Don't be silly, I'll drive.
- Maternity? - How did you guess? We're Mr and Mrs Darrin Stephens.
My wife is a patient of Dr Anton.
Yes, Mr Stephens, Doctor called us.
If you'll just fill out this admissions form for us, I'll set the red tape in motion.
- Samantha, my dearest.
- Daddy.
Well, the hallowed moment has arrived.
I thought we agreed not to let anyone know until after the baby was born.
I would have you know, you earthbound clod, that I am not just anyone.
I was attending an interplanetary banquet in my honour, when across the cosmos I felt the vibrations of incipient maternity.
Swell.
They're coming down for you now, Mrs Stephens.
- Thank you.
- Nurse.
I am Mrs Stephens' father, here to share her magnificent experience.
Fine, you can sit in the waiting room with Mr Stephens.
Couldn't he wait down here? Why? He's her husband.
I know, but I hate crowds.
Mrs Stephens.
Madam, your chariot awaits.
I'll see you later, sweetheart.
Now, try not to think of this as a problem.
Think of it as a chance for you and Daddy to get better acquainted.
I don't wanna think of that either.
Maurice, is there any chance I could persuade you to go back to your banquet, and let my wife and I have this magnificent experience to ourselves? Forget it.
- This is painfully monotonous.
- Then why don't you leave? Mr Stephens? Yes.
Dr Anton wanted me to give you a happy message.
- Is it a witch or a warlock? - I beg your pardon? - A boy or a girl? - A boy.
A handsome, healthy, seven-pound boy.
- We'll show him to you soon.
- How's my wife? She's just fine.
You can see her soon, too.
A boy.
It's a boy.
Congratulations.
Congratulations.
Any news about my wife, Mrs Ralph Davis? Not yet, but soon.
You know, that's not fair.
I was here first.
My dear sir, this is a hospital, not a delicatessen.
Cigars for everyone.
How did he do that? Well, he's a professional magician.
The hand is quicker than the eye.
You know? Mrs Horgan! When a father gives you a cigar, you're supposed to save it for your husband.
Rock-a-bye, baby On the treetop Mr Stephens.
Why don't we leave the cigars and you behind? - Where did it go? - You swallowed it.
He's terrific.
A son.
I have a son.
What's more important, I have a grandson.
Are they all so small? Would you like yours to be elongated? Maurice, you've seen the baby, why don't you just run along? - I wish to see his mother.
- Sorry, the father only.
The recovery room is down the hall to the right.
Okay.
See you later, pal.
You can see him in a few minutes through the glass in the nursery.
Thanks.
- Yes, sir? - Why did you put him in the second row? Because the first row is taken.
Then do some rearranging.
That child is my grandson.
I want him front and centre.
I'm sorry, we place all our children first come, first serve.
But they all get equal attention.
I want the Stephens child to have special attention.
- Why? - Because he's a very special baby.
Isn't that apparent? Grandpa, all babies are special.
Excuse me.
"Grandpa, all babies are special.
" Well, Grandpa will change that.
Precious package full of grace, incandescent and so new, whatever mortal sees your face will fall straightway in love with you.
- Greetings.
- Greetings.
- Have you seen the Stephens boy? - Well, I'm not sure.
- Now, which one is he? - Need you ask? Front and centre.
Why, that's the most beautiful baby I've ever seen in my life.
You're merely being tactful.
No, no, I mean it.
Helen, have you seen the Stephens boy? Sure, I helped deliver him.
But I didn't notice how gorgeous he was.
Well, ladies, don't you have enough work? Mrs Horgan, just look at the Stephens boy.
That's funny, I just That's the most magnificent baby I've seen in 20 years of nursing.
That's better.
A task well done.
Mrs Horgan? I just saw a man disappear into thin air.
So what? Look at the Stephens boy.
He's gorgeous.
Come in.
- Hi, Mom.
- Hi, Dad.
How are you feeling? Lighter.
Yeah, you look wonderful.
So do you.
Do you remember seeing me last night? Vaguely.
Did I say anything you could use against me? Yeah.
You said, "Darrin, I love you.
" Just think, a boy.
Yeah, a boy.
Did you see him this morning? - I saw him last night.
- Did you call your folks? Yeah, Mother said she'd be by this evening.
How about your mother? She'll be by this afternoon.
I was hoping you could delay telling her for a while.
Say for about four years.
Sweetheart, Daddy knew, so I had to tell her.
Speaking of Daddy, did the two of you have a nice time last night? Sure.
He's a million laughs.
Come in.
Mrs Stephens, I'm Mrs Goodall, day supervisor, and I just want to tell you I think your son is fantastic.
You do? Thank you.
- I'm mad about him.
- So are we.
By the way, a Mr Tate is here to see you.
Thank you.
See? We have a very special baby.
That's because he has a very special father.
And a very, very special mother.
Well, I'll go show Larry the future President.
Son of a gun.
- Which one is he? - Front row, centre.
Excuse me, fellows, I'd like to see the Stephens baby.
So would we, wait your turn.
- Who are they? - I don't know.
Look at the shape of his head.
Perfect.
Which one is yours? Over there, Paikowski girl.
Which one is yours? Second row, Johnson boy.
These are other fathers, and they're raving about your baby.
Yeah.
And I know why.
That's the most magnificent baby I've ever seen.
- Well, he is kind of cute.
- Kind of cute? He's superb.
He's so superb I'd like to adopt him.
Larry, don't be ridiculous.
Darrin, that baby of yours does something to me.
I've got to have him.
But you already have a son.
I'll trade you.
Larry, are you all right? Well, I guess I always was a sucker for a baby.
Take me to Samantha.
I wanna pay tribute to her.
Samantha.
Sam, there are times when the mere word "congratulations" is totally inadequate.
- They're lovely.
- Not half so lovely as you.
- Well, thank you.
- And not one-tenth so lovely as your son.
- You like him? - He loves him.
And so does everyone who sees him.
So let's get down to business.
Does Sam know we need a campaign for Berkley? - No, she doesn't.
- Why not? Because I haven't told her.
Sam, we represent Berkley Baby Foods.
The product needs an image, and you just gave birth to him.
We're gonna put your son's picture on every label.
On newspaper and magazine ads, on national billboards, and on primetime network television.
Well, I'm very flattered, Larry, but Larry, let's get something straight.
Our baby is not doing any commercials.
Darrin, I have an instinct.
Your son is going to be the most famous child since Shirley Temple.
Larry, I'm very flattered, but - And the wealthiest.
- I'll try again.
Larry, I'm very flattered, but - But what? - I agree with Darrin.
I don't want our son to do commercials.
Kids, don't make a snap decision.
Talk it over while I round up a movie crew to make a test commercial.
Bye-bye.
Sam, don't you think Larry is kind of overreacting? I think the whole hospital is overreacting.
The head obstetrician was in here just a few minutes ago.
He wanted to know if we would permit the hospital to commission a mural of our son for the lobby.
- What? - As an inspiration to others.
Sam, has your mother done something sneaky? No.
Mother promised she'd hang up her sneakers until we got the baby home from the hospital.
Then it's got to be your father.
Good day, children.
What, as they say, is new? You tell us.
Maurice, everyone in this hospital is flipping over our baby.
Well, what's wrong with that? They want to paint a mural of him in the lobby.
- Smashing notion.
- I think it's a terrible notion.
Why? Aren't you proud of your own child? Daddy, for heaven's sakes, of course we are.
I mean, it's natural that we would think he's the greatest thing that ever happened, but it isn't natural for strangers to think so.
It is now.
Then you admit it.
You tossed around some of your voodoo.
Let us say I gave the natural an assist from the supernatural.
You cast a spell to make whoever sees our baby fall in love with him.
Indeed, I did.
Well, we demand that you uncast it immediately.
Samantha, one more word out of him and I'm leaving.
Darrin, this is no time to upset Daddy.
Say you're sorry.
- Sorry.
- That's the word.
Daddy.
Oh, Daddy, come back here.
Darrin, you shouldn't have upset him.
- Sure.
- Daddy.
Daddy, I want you to come back right this minute.
You dialled the wrong number.
My dear Samantha, congratulations.
You too, Durwood.
Darling, how do you feel? Physically fine.
Emotionally upset.
- Daddy was here, and he - Maurice? You invited Maurice before you invited me? Well, we didn't exactly invite him.
He just kind of barged in for fun and games.
And do you know what he did? He cast a spell so that every mortal who looks at our baby will fall madly in love with him.
That explains what I've just witnessed.
- You saw the fan club? - I thought for a moment mortal taste was improving.
Mother, could you find Daddy and bring him back? Now you need Mother, do you? After you've had my grandson behind my back.
Could we discuss this after you find Daddy? Very well.
I'll try.
Okay, fellas, right this way.
Just a second, who authorised this? Why, nobody.
It's a screen test starring the Stephens baby.
The Stephens baby.
In that case, regulations suspended.
Thank you.
Come on, fellas.
Samantha, your father is a very stubborn man.
He refuses to undo his deed.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to take another peek at my grandson.
Well, we'll go with you.
I want to see what's going on out there.
Honey, are you allowed to get up? Dr Anton said if I felt like it, I can, and I feel like it.
Excuse me, fellas.
I'm trying to line up a shot.
Bob, why haven't you come to see me? I've been looking at the baby.
Then I forgive you.
He's really great.
What do you mean he? Our baby's a girl.
How dare you look at someone else's baby? Honey, just look at him.
I see what you mean.
Darrin, this is terrible.
- I know.
- I think it's delightful.
All right, fellas, here's your mark.
Sam, Darrin, nice to see you, Endora.
- What's he doing? - He's shooting a commercial.
Of my grandchild? Samantha, are you going to permit your son to be exploited by mortals? - Well, I don't want to, Mother, but - Okay, fellas, roll it.
You know, there's a point.
Daddy is making our son famous.
- Do you know what's going to happen? - What? Come here.
Well, when the Witches' Council finds out, the Witches' Council who wants my marriage to get as little publicity as possible, they are going to be so angry at Daddy that they are going to call the Warlock Shakespearean Society and have him expelled.
Samantha, this is blackmail.
Yes, I know.
You gonna pay it? "Something is rotten in the state of Denmark.
"It cannot be, But I am pigeon-livered and lack gall "To make oppression bitter.
" Very well put.
Are you gonna pay the blackmail? Yes.
The magic from my spell be flown, from this moment, to each his own.
Yeah, that's a pretty good-looking kid.
But look at our little angel.
She's really beautiful.
Cut.
Cut.
Darrin, why did you bring a movie crew to the hospital? - Mr Berkley.
- Daddy! How's my daughter and my granddaughter? - We're both fine.
- Mr Berkley, I guess you're wondering why we have all this movie equipment at the hospital.
No, I wasn't wondering, but I guess you wanna tell me something.
Well, it's just that Stephens had this idea.
- And, well, I doubt that - Mr Berkley.
I'm Mrs Stephens.
Darrin and I just had a baby, too.
- Well, congratulations.
- Thank you.
Sweetheart, why don't you tell him your idea? Well, I Mr Berkley, when Darrin saw your granddaughter, he got the idea that she would be the perfect image for Berkley Baby Food.
- Really? - That's right.
And I approved the idea.
And with no thought to the expense, we hired a movie crew to test her.
Tate, Stephens, you're on the ball.
Especially Tate.
I'll take a look at the test and give you my objective opinion of how beautiful she is.
Fine, Mr Berkley.
All right, fellas, over here.
We'll take another close-up of Mr Berkley's granddaughter.
Maurice, do you remember the night Samantha was born? Shall I ever forget? It was a traumatic experience for me.
For you? I like that.
It was the eve of the Metaphysical Meditatum and Barbecue.
No, it was not, Maurice.
It was the eve of the Galactic Rejuvenation and Dinner Dance.
I flew to your bedside from Jupiter.
No, you flew to my bedside from Venus.
- Jupiter.
- Venus.
Look at them.
Mr and Mrs Average Grandparent.
Mommy! Hi, sweetheart.
- Mommy, I missed you.
- I missed you, too.
Sweetheart, here's your new baby brother.
- How do you like him? - He's very nice.
How long is he going to stay here? Forever.
We discussed that, remember? Even if he doesn't become a warlock? Even if he doesn't become a warlock.
- But I bet he will.
- I bet he won't.
Very funny, Endora.
I didn't do it.
Samantha? No, neither did I.
Mother, can a warlock start that young? Well, I've never heard of it.
But of course, his heredity is exceptional.
On your side, of course.
I did it.
It's my being-born present.
Isn't that sweet? Yes.
And no.