Buffy the Vampire Slayer s06e05 Episode Script

Previously on "Buffy the Vampire Slayer": Hey, Mom.
Mom? Mommy? There's some money stuff we have to talk to you about.
You're telling me I'm broke? - Hospital bills.
- Pretty much sucked up all the money.
- I don't think I can do this.
- Yes, you can.
So you guys wanna team up and take over Sunnydale? OK.
We're, like, super villains.
Why are you always around when I'm miserable? Cos that's when you're alone, I reckon.
I'm not one for crowds myself these days.
- Me neither.
- That works out nicely then.
Buffy, what is it? Angel.
He needs to see me.
I have to see him.
You'll leave for LA tomorrow.
I have to go now.
- Hello? - Buffy? Yep, it's me.
I brought dinner.
Deep-fried chicken parts.
Hope you're hungry.
- You already ate.
- No! Well, uh yes, obviously.
We didn't know when you'd be coming back.
It's OK.
More for me.
I don't know about you, but I would love some chicken.
- Yes.
As would l.
- I'll take a drumstick.
I'm a breast girl myself.
But then again you knew that.
- So - What so? So, how was it? Seeing Angel.
Him seeing you.
Was it weird? Um It was intense.
- Well, if you wanna talk about it - I don't.
It's not important.
Past.
I'd just rather keep this one to myself, if that's OK.
Sure, whatever.
Buffy, there was some discussion, in your absence, about, um what you're gonna do now.
Your plans.
Oh, I've been giving that a lot of thought actually.
- I think I've figured out what I should do.
- Good! That's good! I figure, if I hold off paying the plumber, I can pay the utility bill.
- I can wait to reshingle the roof until - I meant with your life.
Oh.
Life plans.
Um Well I have no idea.
I guess, um Well, I left school, you know, when Mom got sick, but I always figured I'd go back.
And then she Um So I was thinking about re-enrolling, but I missed the registration cut-off.
Busy being dead and all.
If it's too late for late registration and too early for early, you can always come to classes with Tara and me.
Right.
You can audit for the rest of the semester until registration.
Audit.
I guess I could do that.
Yeah.
It sounds like a good plan.
What do you think, Giles? The Slayer always knows what she's doing.
Sharp.
Decisive.
Always with a plan.
We'll never be the crime lords of Sunnydale with her one step ahead of us.
That's why we're throwing tests at her, seeing which one of us can shake her up, maybe find a weakness or two.
- She's ready.
- Sweet.
Run me through it.
We got nine surveillance cameras hooked in - super wide-angle, infrared, auto-iris - six types of audio monitoring, filtered through a dual quad DVR system Yeah, yeah.
Fine.
Just tell me.
Are you sure we'll be able to watch Buffy without her noticing? Absolutely.
She'll never even know What the hell is that? Death Star, dude! Wicked, huh? Thermal exhaust port's above the main port, numbnuts.
I'm using the Empire's revised designs from Return of the Jedi.
- That's a flawed design! - Hey! OK.
Since we're messing with the Slayer, who could pummel us all into a sludgy substance, it might be a good idea for us to not draw attention to ourselves! - I could paint over it if you want.
- Yeah, do that! This time tomorrow, the games begin.
And the Slayer will never even know what hit her.
This is gonna be great.
I thought it might be a little weird being back.
It is weird, but a good kind of weird.
There's the teacher, Mike.
You'll like Mike.
You call your teacher Mike? Boy, school sure has changed since my day.
Social construction of reality.
Who can tell me what that is? Rachel.
A concept involving opposing theories: one stressing the externality of social reality from individuals.
And the flip side? Steve.
Each individual participates fully in the construction of his life.
Good.
And who can expand on that? - Chuck.
- Well, those Will, I'm not following this too well.
Oh.
The trick is to get in the rhythm.
Kinda go with the flow.
That would be easier if your classmates weren't such big brains.
Buffy, that's ridiculous! They are no smarter than you or me.
Willow.
Because social phenomena don't have unproblematic objective existences, they have to be interpreted by those who encounter them.
Nicely put.
So, Ruby, does that mean there are countless realities? What? You're not dumb.
Just rusty.
Maybe I should ease back in with classes like Introduction to Pies, or Advanced Walking.
- Hey! How'd it go? - She did fine! - Sociology, not a big fave.
- She didn't like Mike? No, it's fine.
I just need to spend more time reacclimating, to get back into the swing Hey! You could at least say sorry, rude-o! Everybody's in a hurry.
Hans 7, this is Logan 5.
I'm in position, do you copy? Yeah, Warren, we copy that.
And you're up on the monitor.
Hey, Warren, this is working great.
Runner is tagged, inhibitor is on.
Initiate omega pulse sequence.
My art appreciation class doesn't start for 20 minutes, so we've got some time to kill.
Here.
You'll like it.
It's very mellow.
.
.
didn't think she liked my cooking until I realised that was her yummy face.
- What was that? - What was what? Uh that noise What was that about cooking? Whose yummy face? Willow.
Wow.
You really got engrossed in that Renaissance book.
I guess.
I must have spaced out.
I do that sometimes.
Once Willow and I were watching - Buffy! Are you coming? We're gonna be late for class.
What the? - Is it working? Is it doing it? - Dude, it's doing it.
It's wicked cool.
Tara! Tara, wait! Buffy, where were you? You missed art class.
Missed? Tara, something freaky's going on.
It's like I'm Look, there! There! Did you see? Crap! Tara! Tara, wait! That noise.
There's something on me.
- Oh, no.
- Uh-oh.
She found it.
- Oh, this is bad.
- This is bad.
- Self-destruct! Self-destruct! - I don't know, l OK.
Score me.
Right.
50 points for ingenuity.
- Another 30 since there was actual contact.
- Very smooth.
- On the freak-o-meter, she was at a six.
- Come on, it's an eight, easy! We'll split the diff, call it a seven, which is good for 140.
- Giving you a grand total of - 220.
- Beat that! - Oh, I will.
I will.
This is gonna be great.
Diving into the workforce.
Being a breadwinner.
Building things with my hands.
Actually, you won't be building so much as lifting and toting.
Toting? It's just a temp gig, Buff.
You know, unless it tanks.
Since you're not union, I had to call in a few favours to get you on a crew.
I appreciate it.
Muchly.
You saved me from having to accept work at the Magic Box.
I mean, retail? Yeee.
I'd rather be dead.
Again.
Uh-huh.
So, Giles have any thoughts about your fast-forward freak-out at school? No.
Well he implied that maybe it was stress-related.
Like I was imagining it or something.
I don't know.
Maybe.
I guess I could have been blacking out.
But there was this thing on my sweater, and then it just blew away, or went poof.
Maybe it was lint.
Maybe it was evil lint.
OK.
First tip of the day.
When I introduce you to Tony the foreman, you might wanna leave out stuff about blackin' out and evil lint.
Hey, Tony.
This is Buffy.
You know, that friend I told you about.
Nice to meet you, Tony.
- Guys.
- You gotta be kiddin' me.
We're a week behind, I got two men out, and you want us to baby-sit a little girl? - Excuse me, but l - Hang on, Gidget! This stinks, Harris.
What am I gonna do with her? Give her a chance.
She's stronger than she looks.
That's the spirit! Don't mind him.
He may seem pig-ignorant, rude, and a little hostile.
Have fun! - Where are you going? - I need to supervise the Sheetrock hangers.
Don't sweat it! I'll be back and check on you later.
Danny, finish putting in those J-boxes.
Vince, Marco, I need you to haul the steel inside.
I don't know, Tone.
Don't wanna get in trouble with affirmative-action lawyers.
Why don't you put little Britney here on hauling duty? It's Buffy.
OK, princess, you're on it.
Try not to break a nail.
Don't worry.
And don't let them hassle you into hurting yourself.
These beams weigh quite a few hundred pounds.
Which way? Thanks! I'm just trying to learn everything I can.
Cos I don't want just a job.
I want a career, something I can grow into.
I never thought of working in construction, but it kinda Hey.
We get paid by the hour.
You wanna ruin it for the rest of us? Slow down.
Ah! Got visual of subject, four o'clock.
- That's not four o'clock.
- It is if you face the front of the van.
But we're not, we're facing out that way.
That's 12, so she's at two o'clock.
- Look, she's over there, OK? - OK.
You're up.
Ooh! Oh.
Jumpy.
What's the matter? I scare ya? Hey! - Oh, man.
She took'em out.
- Let me see.
- Give it back now.
- I'm still looking.
- No, you had your turn, now gimme - No, I'm still Duck! Hey.
All you said was lose the mural.
Oh, my God.
Buffy, what What happened? How I know they can be jerks, but was it necessary - I didn't do that! - I'll tell you what she did.
I came over to tell her I was impressed by the job she was doing, liking the way she handles herself, and suddenly she goes berserk and attacks me.
Wh? I saved you from the The demons! There were three big apey things! No.
Not here.
Not at my job.
That's your job.
I can't help where the forces of darkness attack me.
Buffy, look at this mess.
Do you have any idea how much it's gonna cost to repair this? What do I say to the clients? Show'em the demon bodies, say it's their fault? You can't.
They melted.
But there are witnesses! Vince! You can tell him, right, how I jumped in and protected you from those things? I don't know what you're talkin' about.
All I know is you were losin' it.
- That time of the month, huh? - What?! You were huddled in a corner, crying like a baby! Hey, hey.
No way.
Me, crying? You're trippin', sweetie.
What's her problem? - I didn't imagine this, Xander.
- I know.
I believe you.
I think, between this and the school thing, somebody's messin' with you.
- They're connected? - There's somethin' going on.
I think it's worth checking out.
You need to see Giles, get on it right away.
I'd start with lD'ing those demons.
- You're firing me, aren't you? - Big time.
The whole melty thing oughta help narrow it down.
Uh try sketchin' em.
That always helps.
When I get off work, I'll help you go through the mug shots.
This is gonna be great.
I've always been interested in, um interested in retail.
Is this all research or just some kind of stress test for the table? I just want to be thorough.
This time anomaly and the demon attacks could be completely unrelated events, but if they're not, you might be in some danger.
So, situation normal then.
Let's review.
You record returns here.
These are for special orders.
You ship them wherever the customer wants.
- And these are the hold slips.
- Fill out two hold slips for each item.
Oh, and be sure to remove the items from the shelf.
I can illustrate with an amusing story about a crystal.
See, there was this certain customer who had wanted to purchase a sapphire.
Sapphire.
Well ding-dong.
Right? And so anyway This is so dull I might actually have fallen asleep and be dreaming, you guys.
Why is the Slayer here anyway? She's a student, she's a construction worker, and now she's some kind of selling stuff person? It's like she's completely without focus.
Shall we check the other channels for free cable porn? Guys, I'm ready.
- I need you to hold hands.
- With each other? Well, you know what homophobia really means about you, don't you? Stop touching my magic bone! Shut up.
OK.
OK.
It's in Latin, so don't laugh.
It's supposed to sound like this.
Opus orbis est, et ea in medio.
Tempus ad calcium intendet.
Buffy, a word in your ear.
While I was running the store, I found it useful to imagine myself back in the library.
If you concentrate on service and not on making a sale, you're more likely to have a satisfied customer.
- Guess I'll have to find my own style.
- Yes.
Quite right.
That woman.
Go sell her something.
Miss? Which candle creates a more, you know, romantic atmosphere? Hmm.
"Lemon Seduction.
" Eugh! "Essence of Slug.
" - Here you go.
- Thank you.
Yeah - May I help you? - I need something for a prosperity spell.
I heard you have it.
A mummy hand? Uh Yeah, actually, I saw one downstairs.
It's kinda hairy, though.
Maybe it was a daddy hand.
I'll just get it.
Petrified hamster.
Ugh.
Eyeballs in honey.
Dagger of Lex Ooh.
Ancient mummy hand.
And you get the dagger of Lex for free with it! See the inlaid mother-of-pearl underneath the black oozing goo? This hand is dead.
The power is gone.
I'm not giving you money for this! Oh, it's just playing dead.
Little scamp.
Buffy, a word in your ear.
- While I was running the store - Huh? What? Huh? .
.
to imagine myself back in the library.
We did this just now.
Giles, something is happening.
Yes.
Oh, quite right.
Oh, you did it! Dude, she's looping.
- What'd you do, enchant the hand thing? - Well, not exactly.
I made it so she had to satisfy a customer with a task that resists solving.
- Maybe I should've done more.
- Like what? I don't know.
Like make her kind of itchy? - Go help the lady who just came in.
- Wait Don't worry, don't be nervous.
Do what I do - just picture yourself naked.
Miss Hi.
I'm looking for something really specific.
I heard you carry it.
A mummy hand.
You look like the mummy hand type.
Sorry, I can't get that for you.
I called here 20 minutes ago, and someone said you had one.
Yeah but there's a thing happening.
You have one and I was told I could buy it, and I'm sorry but I'm really gonna have to hold you to that.
I'm not leaving until I get a mummy hand.
OK.
I guess I'll have to get it for you.
Smart.
She's figuring out the game.
Satisfy the customer.
- She might have you beat there, Stretch.
- No way.
She hasn't even started yet.
Hope she solves it faster than Data on the ep of TNG where the Enterprise kept blowing up.
Or Mulder, in that X-Files where the bank kept exploding.
Scully wants me so bad.
- Fingers sold separately.
- Where are you going? - Lady needs a mummy hand.
What? You haven't even talked to her yet.
I could explain, but you would just forget it.
I'm worried about you.
Retail is a fast-paced and exciting world.
I mean, has this whole day gone by too quickly for you? No.
No, I don't think that's exactly the problem.
Buffy, a word in your ear.
If you think of the store as a library, it'll help you to concentrate on service rather than selling.
Yes.
And then I'm going to marry Bob Dole and raise penguins in Guam.
Yes.
Quite right, yes.
Miss, l Mummy hand, right? You got it, lady.
Miss - Miss? - Hi.
If you like slug, go with slug.
She's not gonna sleep with you anyway.
- This mummy hand has ceased to be! - It is an ex-mummy hand! Buffy, a word in your ear.
It's you.
You're doing this! I know we promised you a mummy hand.
It's just I can't get it for you.
Um There's something wrong.
It's defective.
Defective? Are you sure? There must be something you can do.
But there's no way to get to get that hand.
I can special-order one.
We can deliver it anywhere you want.
Really? Thank you for shopping at the Magic Box.
Oh, yes! So, Warren had 220, and I had that bonus for getting her fired.
But the biggest component has to be how long it took.
Mine took the longest.
Only if you're external to the time loops.
From Mr Giles' perspective, it was shortest of all.
- So what do we do? - Oh, it's obvious.
It's not over.
Buffy, your first sale! Congratulations.
You didn't charge for delivery.
Oh.
Well, first day These things happen.
Yeah, I'll just take it out of your pay.
Yes, I'm sure Buffy would understand that.
Absolutely.
This is gonna be great.
Life is stupid.
I have a dim memory of that, yeah.
And I didn't figure you were here cadging my whiskey cos life is full of bloody peaches.
There's this thing.
Someone's doing stuff to me.
Messing up my life.
Except that it was kind of pre-messed already.
You know, with school and jobs.
It was pretty bad even without the evil.
So you're gonna let this whoever play you till it figures out what kills you? - Giles is workin' on it.
- Oh, good.
Giles rules the mighty force of library books.
- You'd do better? - Damn right! I'd hit the demon world.
Ask questions, throw punches, find out what's in the air.
It's fun too.
It's not my kind of fun.
Yeah.
It is.
Your life will be a lot less confusing when you figure that out.
You have had so too much to drink at this point, I am cuttin' you off.
You're not a schoolgirl.
You're not a shop girl.
You're a creature of the darkness, like me.
Try on my world.
See how good it feels.
Are there drinks in your world? - The motorcycle was loud.
- Sssspike.
The usual, Dave, and one for the lady.
We're heading for the back room, pet.
Where the real action is.
These lowlifes know everything that happens in town.
Oh, good.
These are the lowlifes.
Fine.
A little louder.
Boys, what's the game? You know the game, Spike.
You in? He kills our kind.
Don't let him in.
- Oh, ask him if he's heard about - Later.
You're gonna play cards? I need a moment with my lady.
You wanna play, that's fine.
I am sticking to the original plan.
- Which one do I kill for information? - Listen.
These guys talk while they play.
We'll get more information out of their mouths than out of their corpses.
I'm in.
Everybody OK with that? Ante up.
You play for kittens?! So, who's gonna advance me a tiny tabby, get me started? - Come on, someone's gotta stake me.
- I'll do it! What? You thought I was just gonna let that lie there? - Where are we going? - To Final Jeopardy, where Buffy's the one in jeopardy.
We're really super villains now, like like Dr No.
Yes, back when Bond was Connery, and movies were decent.
Who remembers Connery? I mean, Roger Moore was smooth.
You're insane.
You're short, and you're insane.
I like Timothy Dalton! Hey! Don't make me pull over, OK? - You're lucky today, Spike.
- Got my good-luck charm with me.
- You cleaned us out.
No one's that lucky.
- Yeah.
I'm startin' to think you cheat.
Me? I cheat? He's got x-ray vision.
- I'm not using it.
- We are not the ones who were cheating! I had no idea that was there.
I could have leaned on that days ago.
You better go, Spike.
Things could get ugly.
Got ugly the second he walked in.
Him and his human.
Her skin's so tight, I don't even know how you can look at her.
Leave your winnings and get out.
We'll forget this whole thing.
Ah, so it's a setup, isn't it? Squeeze a few quid outta the vamp.
- Well, you didn't count on me and the bird.
You wanna fight, you face the two of us.
What? I'm not getting into a bar fight! I'll beat'em up for information, great, but not to defend your rights to gamble for kittens! - Which, by the way, is stupid currency.
- They're delicious! Come on, Slayer, a big fight's just what you need.
Forget it.
I'm not playing by anyone else's rules any more.
I'm done.
- Hey, I won those! - Scamper! Be free, kittens! The money's gettin' away! - What's wrong, love? - What's wrong? You were gonna help me! You were gonna beat heads and fix my life! But you're completely lame! Tonight sucks! And look at me! Look at stupid Buffy! Too dumb for college.
And freak Buffy - too strong for construction work.
And my job at the magic shop? I was bored to tears even before the hour that wouldn't end! And the only person that I can even stand to be around is a neutered vampire who cheats at kitten poker.
- Oh, you saw the cheating, did you? - Also I think you're drunk.
- Connery is Bond.
He had style.
- Yeah, but Roger Moore was funny.
Moonraker? The gondola turns into a hovercraft? It's retarded.
Besides, the guy had, like, no edge.
Dalton had edge.
In Licence to Kill he was a rogue agent.
That's edgy.
- He was amazing in The Living Daylights.
- Which was written for Roger Moore! This is stupid! We're wasting time.
End of discussion.
There were pigeons doing double takes when the gondola blasted by! Moonraker is inexcusable.
That van.
You wanna steal a van, I'm with you, love, but we have got the motorcycle.
I've seen it before.
At the construction site.
Connery is the only actor of the bunch.
Timothy Dalton should get an Oscar and beat Sean Connery over the head with it! - OK, that's it.
- Hey! Stop it! Guys! Look! - She's coming over here! What do we do? - Jonathan, grab your magic bone.
You have discovered me! But do not try to defeat me, for I have been testing you and I know your weaknesses.
Ooh! Oh! I'm OK! I'm fine! Get off me! I am well struck! I call on the misty portal to my demon dimension, where I'll lay my head and gently die! He blew up.
Did you see that? Yeah, I saw.
He's gone.
I love it, you know.
It makes you feel all powerful.
Strong Kinda sick.
- She hurt me.
- Someone'll see you! Get in the back.
- I won't fit.
- Well, do the thing.
Oh, right.
Let the spell be ended! Ow Oh, next time I do that spell, one of you guys has to look like the demon.
The Slayer touched you.
Yeah, it was sexy the way she touched me real hard with her fists.
I only looked big.
I actually had the proportional strength of me.
Guys, think about this.
We took on the Slayer.
We've got lots of stuff in the computer now.
Speed, strength, reaction time We're getting what we need to be a threat to her.
We tested her, faced her and we survived.
Unless I have internal injuries that will kill me.
Of course.
But, barring that, Warren's right.
We did good! The Trio versus the Slayer.
It's not over.
Plus, look what Warren and me discovered by accident! - What? - Free cable porn! Feel any better? I think at one point I actually turned completely inside out.
But, yeah, better.
I'm sorry I didn't find this demon with my research.
Oh, it's OK.
It wasn't much of a fight.
I got lucky.
- I'm really screwing up, Giles.
- What? Come on.
You were being tested sequentially by some unknown demon.
I don't call that screwing up.
No, it completely is.
- I let the demon set the rules.
- Go easy on yourself, will you? You don't have to figure the whole thing out at once, you know.
The job and everything.
You're pushing yourself too hard.
The nice people at the phone company seem to think it's not hard enough.
Well, maybe there's something I can do about that.
This is, um I It's for you.
A cheque? This is too much.
I can't take it.
- Well, tear it up then.
- No! I was just being polite.
I'm taking the money.
This is great.
This is more than great.
I don't really know how to say this, but it's a little like having Mom back.
In this scenario, I am your mother? Wanna be my shiftless absentee father? Is there some sort of, um rakish uncle? I'm just saying thank you.
So much.
I'm gonna show this to Dawn.
She loves it when things get easy.
I just wanna tell you that, um this makes me feel safe.
Knowing you're always gonna be here.