Dad's Army (1968) s06e05 Episode Script

Who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk we're on the run? We are the boys who wIll stop your lIttle game We are the boys who wIll make you thInk agaIn 'Cause who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.
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2 1 But he comes home each evenIng and he's ready wIth hIs gun So who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? (Chattering) -Right.
Can I call the meeting to order? -Yes.
Now, I've got you gathered together as a General Purposes committee to discuss the arrangements for the visit of this Russian chap to Walmington-On-Sea.
As town clerk, it's fallen to my lot to find a suitable man -to coordinate and mastermind our arrangements.
-Yes.
Everyone I've spoken to is of the same opinion.
There is one man, and he's sitting here, who's outstandingly suitable to get his teeth into this sort of do.
And I'm going to ask him, with your approval I'm sure, to take the chair.
Captain George Mainwaring.
-Hear, hear.
-Oh, well done.
Well done.
Mr Town Clerk, ladies and gentlemen Look, just a minute, why should he be chairman? I mean, Russians don't want all that officers and bank managers and all that snobbish rubbish.
Well, from the enquiries I've made around the town, it seemed to me that Captain Mainwaring was the best choice.
Yes, well, I don't agree.
We want an ordinary bloke.
A greengrocer or somebody like that.
-Do we know a greengrocer? -Yes.
Me.
If there's any dissension, I'll gladly stand down.
The simplest thing would be for you to vacate the chair.
Then I'll take the chair and we'll take a vote.
Stand by for a quick game of musical chairs.
Right.
All those in favour of Captain Mainwaring taking the chair, raise their hands.
-Aye.
-Against? Carried.
Captain Mainwaring will take the chair which I shall now vacate.
Yes.
(Humming) All right, all right, all right.
-Mr Town Clerk, ladies and gentlemen.
-You said that already.
Order, please.
We're assembled here to honour the Russian worker (Stammering) Vladislov Well, his name is immaterial really.
What is important is that he is a hero of the Soviet Union.
That doesn't necessarily, of course, mean that he's brave.
What it does mean is that he and his team have made 5,72 3 tanks.
-It means he's been very busy.
-Precisely.
Now, amongst other cities, he will be visiting Walmington-On-Sea.
The question is what form should the I'm awfully sorry, I thought the meeting was at half past.
Well, come in and sit down, Wilson.
You know, Mr Wilson, don't you? My chief clerk and sergeant.
I'm sure you said it was half past.
-I said quarter past.
You don't listen.
-No, but I checked it very carefully.
You've missed the best bit.
-Old Hodges tried to give Mainwaring the elbow.
-Oh, really? I'd like to have seen that.
Now, as I was saying, what form should our welcome take Hello, Jonesy.
-Good evening.
I'm sorry I'm late.
-Hello.
Evening.
I've had one of those days, you see.
I had a batch of new sausage skins in and they're a bit too diaphanous.
Sit down, please, Mr Jones.
As I was saying, the question is, what form should the welcome to Mr To our Russian visitor take.
I have been giving the matter most careful thought and I am prepared to offer him a voucher worth ?1 0 towards the cost of a funeral.
Blimey, it won't do him any good unless he pegs out.
That is a risk I've got to take.
Well, it's a good start, I'm sure, but what I had in mind was a rather broader aspect of welcome.
-Mr Chairman.
-Yes.
-I'm representing the WVS.
-Oh, yes.
And, well, I think we should not try to be all British and reserved.
-I think we should smile a lot.
-Yes.
Yes.
Yes, that'll be very nice.
Captain Mainwaring, speaking personally, I'm not altogether sympathetic with the Reds.
I don't think we ought to go too far.
Well, as you know, there was a time when I felt the same way about the Bolshies and the like, but I don't think we must be too prejudiced.
After all, they can't be all that bad or they wouldn't be on our side.
Well, why don't we give him the freedom of Walmington? That's a very good idea.
That's a good idea.
He can get into the pictures for nothing.
Oh, Frank.
He's only here for a couple of hours.
They can put on a Mickey Mouse or a Donald Duck, can't they? Will you excuse me a moment? Pike, you're not on this committee.
You're here as a messenger, you understand? Only trying to be helpful.
If I hear another word out of you I shall make you go into that office and shut the door.
I'm sorry about that.
I think that was a very good suggestion of Sergeant Wilson's.
Hear, hear.
Now, the question is, what form should the freedom take? How about a parchment scroll tied up with red ribbon? They're very nice, they are.
Your parchment's a bit difficult to get, but I think I know where I can lay me hands on some.
Well, how about a key? -Better still.
-Yes.
Well, cardboard or wood, easy.
Brass, bit of a problem.
Well, I think we should settle for a wooden one.
Some form of ceremony can be arranged and the Mayor will say a few short words of welcome and I, as the Chairman of the Committee, will hand over the key.
Blimey, you got yourself in there quick enough, didn't you? All right.
All right, Hodges.
Sir, excuse me, sir.
Why don't we get the town band to play some Russian music? And then I can dress myself up as a Cossack and do cobblers.
-Do what? -Cobblers, sir.
It's a highly difficult kicking and crouching step, you know.
They do a lot of cobblers do Cossacks, you know, sir.
-I'll show you the steps, I'll show you.
-No, no.
There's no need to, please.
It's all right.
It's quite easy.
I've done a lot of it, you see.
They crouch down like that, sir, then the music goes Hoi! Hoi! Hoi! Jonesy! Is he all right? -I shall have to practise, of course.
-Yes.
-Sit down, please, Jones.
-Thank you.
Oh, no.
Get the chair.
The Home Guard would parade, of course.
I don't know about the Wardens.
I don't suppose they'd want to bother.
Oh, yes, we will.
You're not keeping us out of it.
I dare say Sergeant Wilson will give us a demonstration of acrobatic motorcycle riding.
That's a little joke against Sergeant Wilson.
We have a motorcycle in the platoon, but so far we haven't been able to persuade him to mount it.
Music! That's what we need.
Music.
Band can play and the choir can sing The Red Flag.
I assure you, my choir is not going to sing The Red Flag.
I quite agree with you, Vicar.
Blimey, you should've heard what they were singing behind the Scouts' hut last night.
Made your hair stand on end, it would.
Oh, sorry, Vicar.
-Hey, listen, can't we get them to la-la it? -I think that would be rather silly.
Well, one way or another, things seem to be taking shape.
I I shall go away now and coordinate all these suggestions, and I'm sure that, as usual, Walmington will rise to the occasion.
-And bore everybody stiff.
-Pike.
Surely bloom agaIn, my lovely RussIan Rose Sorry, Mr Livings, war or no war, I cannot allow you to issue a cheque for ?32.
Well, you've only one and fourpence in your account.
You'd better come in and see me, I think.
Yes, would you? Thank you.
Thank you.
Ask Mr Wilson to come in, please.
He's not come back from lunch yet, Mr Mainwaring.
-He's not back from lunch? -No.
It's 2:20.
Ask him to come and see me immediately he arrives.
Yes, Mr Mainwaring.
It's the 1 2:00 post, Mr Mainwaring.
Arrived at 2:05.
Somebody's playing a joke on Uncle Arthur.
Look.
''The Honourable Arthur Wilson.
'' Let me see that.
''The Honourable Arthur Wilson.
Private.
'' -Does that mean he's not a sergeant any more? -Private letter, you stupid boy.
He knows perfectly well that I don't approve of private mail coming through the bank.
(Knocking at door) Excuse me.
Did I, by any chance, happen to leave my bungie in here? -Your what? -My bungie.
You know, that sort of rubbing-out thing.
-Come in, Wilson, will you? I want to talk to you.
-I know I left it somewhere.
Will you please tell your friends to keep their practical jokes out of my bank? Oh, Lord, that wretched solicitor.
I told him not to use the title on my letters.
What are you talking about? It seems to be all over the town now.
You were bound to find out sooner or later, I suppose.
-Just a minute, I haven't finished talking to you.
-Oh, haven't you? I'm so sorry.
What, yes? -Are you telling me that this isn't a joke? -No, it certainly isn't.
Anything but.
And that you really are the Honourable Arthur Wilson? Yes.
It's rather silly, isn't it? Leave the office, Pike.
Yes, Mr Mainwaring.
Perhaps you'd care to explain.
Well, you see, one of my uncles died without leaving any children so that meant that my side of the family moved up one place, so to speak, and so therefore I am now ''The Honourable''.
-Bless my soul.
-Yes.
Well, I I don't really see why it should make any difference to you and me.
You can bet your bottom dollar it won't make any difference to you and me.
And you even think you can roll in here -Where have you been? -Well, I went up to the golf club and had a bite to eat up there.
-The golf club? -Yes.
-Who took you? -Well, I'm a member.
-You're a member? Since when? -Yes.
Well, you see, when the committee heard about this title thing, they asked me if I would, you know, like to join.
I've been trying for years to get in there.
I believe they're awfully particular.
-You don't even play.
-Well, no.
I shall enjoy the food, though.
Do you know they managed to find me some smoked salmon up there today for lunch? Smoked salmon at the golf club.
-Do you know what I had for lunch? -No.
I had a snook fish cake at the British Restaurant.
The Honourable Arthur Wilson, eh? You know, being a member of the aristocracy explains quite a lot about your character.
-Oh, really? -Oh, yes.
-They're an ambling, muddle-headed lot.
-Oh, surely the -Arthur! -Mum, you mustn't go in there.
They're busy.
Oh, Arthur, is it true? You're ''Honourable''? Now, Mavis, please.
Please.
Frank just telephoned me.
I knew you could do it, Arthur.
-Pike! -Mavis, please.
How dare you use the bank telephone for an improper use? Yes, sorry.
Arthur, does it mean that you'll wear one of those uniforms -with velvet knee breeches? -Oh, Mavis.
Now don't fuss, please.
-Mrs Pike, will you kindly leave my office? -Oh, I'm sorry, Mr Mainwaring, but I just had to touch that noble face.
-Arthur? -Yes? It won't make any difference, will it? No, of course not, Mavis.
Now will you please go home? -Go on, both of you.
Off you go.
-Won't make any difference to what? -I'm awfully sorry about that, sir.
-Oh, don't apologise.
And you're absolutely right.
It won't make any difference.
-No.
-I'm still the manager and you're the chief clerk.
-Right, sir.
-I'm still the officer and you are still the sergeant, right? So pull your socks up and get about your business at the bank.
Right, sir.
Very well.
Thank you.
-What do you want, Pike? -Oh The area manager, on the telephone.
He's been hanging on quite a while, but I couldn't put him through 'cause you were talking to the Honourable Arthur Wilson.
Hello.
Yes, I'm sorry to Sorry to have kept you waiting.
I was in conference with my chief clerk.
Yes, that's right.
Wilson.
Well as a matter of fact, it's the Honourable Arthur Wilson.
Yes.
Well, I pick my staff very carefully, you know.
You would never grow old When I was a regular soldier, we had lots of officers who was Honourable, you know.
At least, they was called Honourable.
They used to stand there in a haughty manner, as if they'd got a smell under their noses.
I tell you one thing, they was very good at keeping their stiff upper lips.
Do you know, we had a young officer in the battle of Omdurman.
He had his head blown right off and his upper lip was as stiff as cardboard.
Hasn't changed a bit, you know.
He still calls me Frank, just like he was an ordinary, common person.
It won't change him.
He was a fool before and he's a fool now.
You know, I used to serve one or two Honourables when I was in the Army and Navy Stores.
They were quite ordinary people, just like any other customer.
The only difference was you couldn't get the money.
-Fall them in, Corporal.
-Right, sir.
Come on, fall in like the officer said.
-Quick as you can.
-Look sharp about it, quick as you can.
-Come on.
-Move a bit.
-Permission to speak, sir? -Yes.
-Would you settle a small technical discussion? -What's that, Jones? Well, sir, are we to call the Sergeant, ''The Honourable Sergeant Wilson'' or ''Sergeant, the Honourable Wilson''? Really, please, I don't want any fuss.
I just want to be like an ordinary sergeant.
I'm sure that would suit us all, Wilson.
-Mr Mainwaring? -Yes? Please may I have the turn with the motorcycle before the ceremony, please, instead of Uncle Sergeant the Honourable Arthur? Certainly not.
Excuse me, sir.
I don't mind giving up my turn if Frank wants it.
-Prefer a Rolls-Royce, would you? -Oh, no, no, no.
That motorcycle's for you and you are going to ride it.
-Sir.
-Right.
Now, I've been doing a little research into the way the Russians show their appreciation.
They don't, it seems, cheer as we do but apparently they do applaud.
And so I think that's what we should do.
Yes, excuse me, Captain Mainwaring, but if we are at present and we start applauding, there's gonna be a lot of blue toes in the platoon.
I hardly need to be told that, Walker.
Why don't we ground arms, sir? Then we can go on clapping till the cows come home.
I was just about to suggest that.
Yes, that's right, sir.
We haven't grounded arms of late.
Can we have a practice then we can all get familiar? Very good idea.
Platoon.
Platoon, hut! Ground arms.
-Down, two, three.
-Up.
I'm not stuck.
I was waiting for him.
My knees have got all asphyxiated, sir.
Applause for the Russian visitor.
Begin.
Just a minute.
Walker.
It's not a football match.
Right.
Start again.
Applause for the Russian visitor.
Begin.
Thank you very much, gentlemen.
Can I have a word with you, Captain Mainwaring? Yes, certainly.
-Carry on, Sergeant Wilson.
-Yes.
Right, sir.
Good evening, sir.
Hello.
How do you do? How awfully nice to see you.
Go through the whole manoeuvre three or four times.
All right, sir.
Right, yes.
Now, how can I help you, Mr Town Clerk? Now, I hope you won't take this amiss, but we feel that since Mr Wilson came into a title and there aren't any other titled people in Walmington, well, we feel that the Honourable Arthur ought to present the key.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
No, I couldn't possibly allow that.
The Mayor said he hoped you wouldn't take it the wrong way.
You can tell the Mayor and his corporation that I'm not taking it at all.
-This interview is now at an end.
-Oh, I see.
-Well, if that's the way you feel.
-I do.
Good evening to you.
Damned impertinence.
I'm glad you've come back, sir.
I've altered the drill just a little bit.
Now, tell me now, what do you think of this? Russian's welcome.
All right, all right, that's enough.
That's enough.
All right, Wilson.
When I want you to rewrite the drill book, I'll let you know.
Now, let us get to the part where I present the key.
(Phone ringing) -Answer the phone, Pike.
-Yes, Mr Mainwaring.
Captain Mainwaring, why are you presenting the key? I think the Honourable there should do it.
I don't agree.
I think Captain Mainwaring does this sort of thing with great dignity.
Well, it's always a good thing to have a change.
Well, I look at it this way, sir.
Now, although Sergeant Wilson has got three stripes on his Honourable arm, you've got three pips on your common shoulder.
And that's one up to you, you see, sir, because although you're more common than he is, you got better insignia, sir, and that's the way it should be because that is the status quore! You finished? Now listen to me, all of you.
-I -Excuse me, my Lord.
-Can his Reverence have an audience with you? -Just a minute.
What's going on here? Well, it's just that I wondered if the Honourable Arthur would agree to being co-opted onto the Parochial Church Council.
And also, will he approve a crest for his own private pew? How dare you come in here when I'm in the middle of a parade? Mr Mainwaring, telephone.
Someone from the Civil Defence Authority, says it's very urgent.
-Take over the parade, will you, Corporal? -Yes, sir.
You come with me.
I don't trust you out of my sight.
And I'll deal with you later.
Really awfully nice of you to ask me, but you do understand the position, don't you? It's really rather awkward at the moment.
-Wilson.
Wilson, come with me.
-All right, sir.
I'm coming.
Get out of the way.
-Mainwaring here.
-This is Hodges here.
Now listen, Mainwaring.
I represent the Breakaway Committee.
-Break away from what? -From you, mate.
You think you run this town, don't you? Well, we're not having it anymore.
We want the Honourable Arthur to present that key to that Russian.
Will you hold on for just a minute? -Wilson? -Sir.
Tell this man once and for all, you are not presenting the key.
-Oh, aren't I? -Tell him! Right, sir.
And once and for all, apparently I am not presenting the key.
Good day, Hodges.
-You've engineered all this, haven't you? -No, sir, no, no.
Believe me, I wish it had never happened.
I mean, I didn't want to join the golf club.
I'm now getting begging letters and to cap it all, Mrs Pike wants me to buy a pipe, a tweed hat and a Labrador.
Life just isn't worth living.
Don't give me all that soft soap.
You're revelling in it.
Who wouldn't? If I had a title, I'd be on the board of directors of the bank, not manager of some tinpot branch with a crackpot clerk.
You watch your step.
-And remember Jones' words.
-What particular words did you have in mind? I've got three of these and you've got three of those.
And I'm going to present that key.
And do you know what you're going to do? You're going to learn to ride that motorbike.
And I'm going to personally supervise it.
And I'll tell you when you can smoke.
RIght around the corner Here we are.
-With a full tank, very nearly.
-Mr Mainwaring.
If he falls off and breaks his leg, can I have it for a bit, please? -Why is he taking so long? -He's putting on his protective clothing, sir.
Blimey, Amy Johnson.
All right, get him on.
-Come on, Uncle.
-All right, all right.
Now, you've time for a good hour's spin before you need to get ready for the ceremony.
-Wouldn't 1 0 minutes be enough? -Just get on with it.
There you go.
Go on, do another one.
Do it again.
Now remember, Wilsey.
You squeeze the clutch with your left hand.
Yeah, that's right.
You kick up with your right foot on to the gear like that.
Right.
Now you rev up with your right hand like that, but doing this sort of motion.
Vroom-vroom! Vroom-vroom! And then you release the clutch with your left hand as if you was unsqueezing a lemon.
Sir, do you think I ought to follow on the bicycle with this? No.
Time he learnt to fend for himself.
Oh, you silly man! Left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right.
Halt! If you've killed my Uncle Arthur, my mum will never let you hear the end of it.
All right, Pike.
It's not like him not to telephone or something.
-Is everything ready, Captain Mainwaring? -Yes, of course.
Everything will go like clockwork.
I hope I didn't offend you by suggesting that the Honourable Arthur Wilson should do the handing over.
-I'm not a vindictive man, Mr Town Clerk.
-Where is Wilson? He hasn't finished his motorcycle training yet.
Wilson has his good points but he's not 1 00% reliable, you know.
Who'll command the platoon while you're performing the ceremony? Lance Corporal Jones.
-Will he be all right? -Oh, yes.
First class man.
-Oh, that looks like the staff car now.
-All right.
Stand by, everybody! (Band playing) Not yet.
Not yet.
Wait till the car door opens.
Platoon.
Double up, platoon.
Hut! Nurses.
Nurses, 'shun.
Platoon, hut! One, two, three.
One.
Clapping and greeting the Russian visitor, commence! Welcome.
(Band playing The Red Flag) Not you.
All right.
I say, that'll be enough of that.
Thank you.
Pray sIlence for HIs WorshIp, the Mayor of WalmIngton-On-Sea.
He promised to be brief.
Mr VladIslovskI, on behalf of WalmIngton-On-Sea, welcome.
He kept his promise.
(Speaking Russian) Mr VladIslovskI, you and I are comrades In the common struggle, even though we lIve poles apart.
He would have to mention the Poles, wouldn't he? We welcome you as a brother-In-arms (Translating in Russian) Just a moment.
It Is our honour to present you wIth thIs key, whIch symbolIses the freedom of WalmIngton-On-Sea.
(Translating) (Speaking Russian) I represent the workers of the SovIet UnIon.
Hear, hear.
You who are sIttIng here are not workers.
You have soft faces.
Soft.
You are bourgeoIs mIddle class.
Damn cheek.
You are gIvIng me honour? You should honour your own workers.
I say! Here, I say! You don't understand.
We want you to have this key.
Wait.
(Band playing) Here is a man in a uniform not of an artisan, not of an imperialist, but a slave worker.
I'm so sorry I'm late, sir.
He has the dirt of a worker on his hands.
He has got the sweat of a worker on his brow.
He should have your honour.
Thank you so much.
Awfully kind of you, sir.
Oh, shut up!