Drop Dead Diva s06e05 Episode Script
Cheers & Jeers
See that aspiring model there? That's me Deb until the day I died.
I thought I'd go straight to heaven, but there was a bit of a mix-up, and I woke up in someone else's body.
So now I'm Jane, a super-busy lawyer with my very own assistant.
I got a new life, a new wardrobe, and the only people who really know what's going on with me are my girlfriend Stacy and my guardian angel, Paul.
I used to think everything happened for a reason.
Whoo! Now, I sure hope I was right.
Drop Dead Diva 6x05 - Cheers & Jeers Original air date April 13, 2014 Good morning.
Stacy are those Stella McCartney eco faux riding boots with sustainable wooden heels? - Oh, my God! - Aah! I know.
I feel like the world's sexiest gazelle.
You look so awesome.
But, you know, you are gonna be a mom soon.
You can't go on crazy shopping binges anymore.
I didn't.
Paul did.
They look good, huh? Mm-hmm.
Well, that was very generous.
- Hey, Paul.
- Hm? Do you understand what "unpaid intern" means? For you.
A sumptuous leather two-tone tote that can hold client files, a tablet, and a fabulous pair of shoes? With a satin bow.
Well, you ladies have been so nice to me, letting me crash at your house.
Not freaking out when I accidentally - shredded your tax returns.
- You shredded my - I just wanted to show my appreciation.
So please enjoy.
So you want to borrow these sexy boots so Grayson can slide them off you, or are you two still just kissing? You know, there is nothing wrong with kissing.
It can be very romantic and satisfying.
Yeah, if you're 12.
You know what? I'm glad that Grayson is taking his time because it will be really special when it finally happens.
I'm just saying it's time to take the kissing up a notch.
- Or is that down a notch? - Mnh.
Oh, my God.
A a reporter from the "Los Angeles Post" wants to see me about a story.
That's great, but we were talking about you and Grayson and s-e-x.
No.
You know what? I got to go.
I got to go to work, and I got to break in my new bag.
Oh, my gosh.
Good morning, Teri.
Teri.
Teri.
Professional cheerleader meltdown video from last night's L.
A.
Breaker basketball game.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Okay.
Oh! You did that on purpose, you [Bleep.]
bitch! Oh, she's a hot mess.
I love when she shoves her finger in the blond Barbie doll's face.
And when she stomped her foot, and she was like, "you're making me look bad!" - Wow.
That's some drama.
- And I [Bleep.]
quit! Hi.
Rosemary Mills with the "Los Angeles Post.
" - Oh.
- I'm writing a story on Chelsea Putnam of the Breaker girls.
I'm here to meet Jane Bingum.
Hi.
I am Jane.
It's really nice to meet you.
Uh, please.
Our house is close to a DWP substation.
Their access road runs right past our property.
For years, we've complained to management about employees speeding on the road It's zoned for 30.
I take it your complaints fell on deaf ears.
Last month, Holly was nearly run down while riding her bicycle.
Michael saw it happen.
A guy came speeding around the corner.
She jumped out of the way, and he ran over her bike.
Didn't even stop.
I scraped my knee.
At that point, we decided to take matters into our own hands.
I rented a cement mixer, and Michael and I installed speed bumps.
The cars slowed down, but then one of the DWP employees complained to the city, who removed the bumps.
Then the city sent us a bill for their cleanup work.
$75,000.
We don't have that kind of money.
Our home has been in the Maxwell family for three generations, and now the city's saying they're gonna take it from us if we don't pay up.
They can threaten all they want.
We're not gonna let that happen.
I'm really sorry about before.
Uh, my assistant and I sometimes act out popular online videos.
You should see her do the grumpy cat.
Anyway, uh, Rosemary, why exactly did you want to speak to me? I had tracked down Chelsea after last night's game, hoping to write a human-interest piece on her.
When she told me what led to her breakdown, I realized there was a potential lawsuit.
And we were hoping you'd represent her.
Oh, okay.
Uh, well, would you mind waiting for us out in the lobby? Excuse me? Well, you have to leave, or attorney/client confidentiality would be violated.
But I was promised exclusive access to write my story.
I'd like her to stay.
Okay, well, I just need you to sign this confidentiality waver.
- No problem.
- Okay.
Great.
So, in this case, please continue.
Well, I joined the Breaker girls this season.
I used to watch all the games with my father, and I know it probably sounds silly but cheerleading is what I always wanted to do.
It doesn't sound silly to me.
For months, I've been bullied by the squad mostly the head cheerleader, Ally Roth.
And since I'm the new girl, I figured there'd be some hazing, but It's been far worse than I ever imagined.
- How so? - Well, for starters, Ally's always harshing on my body.
When I skipped a voluntary practice, she left me a message promising to "Whip my fat ass into shape.
" And then, the other day, I was eating a cookie, and she grabbed it out of my hand and shoved it down my pants said it was going straight to my hips anyway.
Oh, my God.
And then there's the name-calling.
She nicknamed me "Slutface" and insisted that the other girls call me that.
They also attacked me on social media, calling me a ho stuff like that.
And no one stands up for you.
no, the other girls they want to be in Ally's good graces because she assigns the personal appearances.
Most people assume that professional cheerleaders are well-paid.
They only make $100 per game and nothing for practices.
Wow, I had no idea.
Personal appearances are the way to make real money.
Chelsea, have you complained to management? Yeah, and they said that if I wasn't happy, I could quit.
Okay.
Tell me about last night.
Ally intentionally stepped on my foot during our routine, and I I couldn't take it anymore, so I I lost it.
It's okay.
You know what? Here's the plan.
We're gonna sue the pants off the Breakers for allowing Ally and her posse to be such monsters.
- No.
- No? I don't want the money.
I just want to make sure that future cheerleaders aren't treated like I was.
Can you sue for that? Yeah.
You can.
And we will.
There's nothing that I hate more than bullies.
Hey.
I was thinking maybe we'd do a movie night this Friday.
Yeah.
A movie night.
Yeah, that sounds fun.
Or maybe I'll bring take-out Chinese and a copy of "It Happened One Night.
" It's a date.
Out of my way, intern! Get Stacy on the phone now! Sure thing, boss.
Got her.
Grayson's coming over Friday night.
- Oh, that's great.
- No, you don't understand.
He is bringing Chinese food and "It Happened One Night.
" Oh, my God.
That's the same date he planned the first night he and Deb you first had s-e-x.
- Yeah.
- I am going to go out right now and buy you some new candles.
No, no, no way.
Forget the candles.
Hit La Perla and get me their sexiest lingerie.
It's "go" time.
As general counsel of the L.
A.
Breakers, I am authorized to offer your client a $3,000 severance.
Well, goodness.
What does she have to do in exchange for such largess? Execute this standard confidentiality agreement, - and we - No.
No, no.
Chelsea has no plans to sell her silence.
Instead, we demand an immediate change to the way the Breaker girls operate.
Even if your allegations are true, the team is not responsible.
Breaker girls are not employees.
They're independent contractors.
The team management exercises control over all aspects of Breaker girl performances, so that means they are employees.
And since Chelsea put you on notice, the team is liable for failing to protect her.
Are you threatening to sue us? Oh, it's not just a threat.
Oh, no, no, no.
See, I plan to depose the entire squad, and you can bet your little pompoms that we'll be seeing you in court.
Teri I got to get out of here.
Oh, no, you are not taking lunch until you un-jam the photocopier, replace the empty water cooler, and catch the rat in the file room.
No, I mean I got to leave and find a paying job.
The first bill for my new credit card came.
They want $6,200 by the end of the month.
So that's how you bought Jane that new briefcase.
Please tell me you understand how credit cards work.
There was a dude at the mall.
He was offering a free T-shirt if I signed up for one.
I told him I worked at a law firm.
He said I needed a credit card.
He said I could just buy things and pay for them later.
I didn't realize later would come so soon.
- Have you told Jane? - Absolutely not.
She's constantly accusing me of being irresponsible.
I can't imagine why.
My only solution is to quit the internship and find a paying job as a barista.
Or a surgeon.
Paul, if you left, who do you think would have to un-jam the copier and catch the rats? - You.
- Exactly.
So I'm gonna help you.
I will send the credit-card company a very strongly worded letter on firm stationery.
Get me the papers that you had to sign, and I'll try to find a way to scare them into canceling your debt.
You'd do that for me? For you? Yeah.
And I hate rats.
Ally, you're the head cheerleader - for the breaker girls.
- Yes, I am.
And are you aware of Chelsea Putnam's allegations against you and the team? Yes.
So pathetic.
Her accusations are false.
Julie, have you ever witnessed any bullying or hazing or harassment while being a part of the Breaker girls? No.
Behavior like that would not be tolerated by the squad.
Were you ever told to call Chelsea derogatory names? No.
And I always told her she had nice hair.
Do you recall Ally Roth shoving a cookie down Chelsea Putnam's pants? - No.
Of course not.
- Never.
- Why would she lie? - I have no idea.
Lisa, were you ever encouraged to be cruel to Chelsea Putnam? - No.
- No.
- The girl needs help.
Did you ever hear Ally say demeaning comments to Chelsea? - No.
- Absolutely not.
Tell me about the night Ally stepped on Chelsea's foot.
Stuff like that happens in routines.
It was an accident.
Chelsea's a sweet girl, but sometimes she can be too sensitive.
Mr.
and Mrs.
Maxwell are good samaritans they're not vandals.
They were just trying to protect their children from speeding traffic.
I mean, can't the city just chalk it up as a misunderstanding and forget the 75 grand? I'm sorry, Owen, but, in this case, the city Attorney's Office doesn't have that discretion.
Oh, come on.
There's always a deal to be made.
Well, I probably shouldn't say anything, but it turns out that a general manager at the DWP is good buddies with the mayor, and he was driving his sports car, hit one of those speed bumps, blew out two tires, and bent his rims.
And he got the mayor to pressure your boss to go after our clients? Yeah, but, uh, you didn't hear that from me.
Under the doctrine of necessity, my clients built speed bumps to avert an accident on an unsafe road.
They cannot be held liable for repairs, and the lien against their house should be voided.
You do know that traffic control is the sole responsibility of government.
Imagine the chaos that would ensue if we allowed people to determine what a safe speed limit was or where it was okay to make a left turn.
You guys want to go to court and argue necessity, go ahead, but you know you're gonna lose.
Thank you so much for meeting me.
- Oh, sure.
- I thought it would be nice to get to know you better for the story.
Oh, well, I'm an open book.
And I wanted to thank you for bringing me this case.
Of course.
How did the depositions go today? The cheerleaders closed ranks, and they gave me nothing.
So uh, u-uh, hold on one second.
Sir.
Sir, can you turn the volume up on the TV, please? to be the new face of the anti-bullying movement? Well, I think my story proves that bullies come in all shapes and sizes and that their actions should not be tolerated.
Did you know Chelsea was going on TV? - No, I did not.
- I hear there's some interest in your life rights for a book or movie.
Well, that's flattering.
Um, but I just want to focus on changing the culture of harassment within the Breaker girls.
Thank you, Chelsea, and good luck.
I thought I had an exclusive.
But I guess I can't blame her thanks to her televised breakdown, her story's gone national.
Anyway, back to the case.
Without the supporting testimony of the cheerleaders, what can you do? Oh, well, you know, I can always look outside the box.
What do you mean? The current crop of cheerleaders they have a lot to lose if they testify.
So you're looking for a former cheerleader perhaps someone with a gripe against the team.
Perhaps.
You already have a witness, don't you? Well Okay, off the record, her name is Barbara Watson.
She is an ex-L.
A.
Breaker girl who runs this blog very critical of the squad.
Mm.
When do I get to meet her? Tomorrow in court.
She's my surprise witness.
See, that way, we can avoid having the Breakers depose her beforehand.
I am very impressed.
Oh, well, thank you.
To looking outside the box.
Mm.
Hello, sweetie.
Do my lips look more kissable in cherry red, flamingo pink, or voilà violet? Are you on lipster again? My date has to go perfectly with Grayson, and I plan to lead with my lips.
Mm.
Jane, I have bad news.
Uh, Stace, got to go.
Your surprise witness just called to say she accepted an offer from the Breakers to serve as their international goodwill ambassador.
She's on a plane to Tokyo and isn't coming back until August.
The team must have figured out I was calling her to the stand.
I think I know how.
Rosemary Mills just published an article saying that Chelsea's legal team was calling a surprise witness.
"She's described as" "a disgruntled former Breaker girl" "with an active online presence.
" She doesn't say Barbara's name, but she might as well have printed her address and phone number.
I'm gonna kill Rosemary Mills.
Excuse me.
A Rosemary Mills is here.
She says you're going to court together.
Put her in the conference room, please.
Okay.
How dare you print something told to you in confidence? I never gave the witness's name.
Do you think their general counsel is an idiot? You described Barbara in detail, and they've offered her a bribe to prevent her from testifying.
Can't you just use the blog? No, it is hearsay.
Without Barbara to authenticate it, we'll never get it in.
And since she wasn't on our official witness list, we can't even charge the Breakers with witness tampering.
I'm sorry.
Oh, really? Are you sorry? Or was this your way to get back at Chelsea for spoiling your exclusive by doing that TV interview? I would never do that.
You just did.
You know what? You stay away from Chelsea and stay away from me.
Teri.
I found this letter jammed in the copier.
Paper jams are Paul's responsibility.
The letter is on firm stationery and addressed to Metropolitan Credit, signed by a lawyer named "Cassandra Muffintop.
" By any chance, are you Ms.
Muffintop? No.
Yes.
Please tell me you haven't sent this letter.
Not only is it illegal to impersonate a member of the bar, but if our malpractice carrier found out that a non-lawyer was giving legal counsel, they'd cancel our policy.
No insurance, no firm.
Of course I haven't sent it.
Great.
Please shred it.
- Paul.
- Yeah? - Have you sent that letter yet? - About an hour ago.
Oh, damn it.
Do me a favor.
Don't tell anyone that I'm helping you out, okay? Not a problem.
We spoke with the city attorney, and, unfortunately, the law is not on our side.
I'm very sorry.
We don't have 75 grand to pay off the lien.
What about a second mortgage? No bank is gonna loan us money with a government lien on our property.
I can't believe this can happen in the United States of America.
What if you weren't in the United States of America? We can save our house by moving? No, no, no, no.
Not moving seceding.
Government entities can seize property within American borders, not outside of them.
I if you become your own country, they can't touch you.
I'm not sure I follow.
Neither do I.
Owen, can I talk to you? I'm saying that we're going to relocate your house, legally speaking.
As of today, you will become the Democratic Republic of Maxwell.
Owen, a moment.
We need to do some paperwork and discuss a constitution.
- Will we have our on flag? - Of course.
- Mom can be president.
- I love it.
Mom can be president.
Ed, you can be vice president.
Can this actually work? I don't think it's ever been tried before, Madam President, but please excuse us a moment.
Oh.
One second.
Be right back.
What's the problem? You just suggested that our clients secede from the United States of America.
Yeah, and I know it's a long shot.
Secessionists are seen as fanatics and instigators.
There could be consequences.
I'm buying us time, Grayson, and if we win they'll get to keep their house.
We can't win.
Fine.
Do you have a better solution? Okay, then.
Let's go inside and pledge our allegiance to the Democratic Republic of Maxwell.
Chelsea, how were you treated when you joined the Breaker girls? Like an outsider.
Ally and the others picked on me as soon as I arrived.
Really? How so? If I sat at their table, Ally would get up, and the rest of the squad would follow.
They made fun of my makeup, my clothes.
Ally even told me the wrong time for the annual picture so I'd miss it.
Wow.
Really childish.
They called me names and spread rumors online saying I was promiscuous.
I haven't had a date in six months.
And it was your dream to be a cheerleader, - wasn't it? - Yes.
But I thought cheerleading was about positive energy and raising team spirit, not picking on the new girl.
Thank you.
You said you haven't had a date in six months? - That's right.
- What about your coffee dates with backup forward Leon Watters? Objection.
Relevance.
Your client introduced her dating history.
Overruled.
They weren't exactly dates, but Are you aware of the clause in your contract that prohibits fraternization with the players? - Yes.
- Well, I think you hastily filed this lawsuit because you knew you'd be kicked off the squad if your inappropriate relationship came to light.
Objection argumentative.
Overruled.
Leon was going through a personal problem, and I'm a good listener.
I was being a good friend.
Just a friend? On March 17th, did you meet Leon for drinks at the Bacara Resort in Santa Barbara? Yes.
Where did you sleep that night? Ms.
Bingum, don't bother to object.
Ms.
Putnam will answer the question.
In Leon's room.
And yet you wonder why you have a reputation for promiscuity.
No more questions.
You slept with a player? It was just that one time! And I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but it's embarrassing.
- What else don't I know? - Nothing! Look, Leon's best friend died.
I was being supportive, and it turned into something else, but it was a mistake, and it never happened again.
Chelsea, this undermines your credibility.
And it gives the Breakers the right to terminate you.
Well, it doesn't give Ally and her posse - the right to harass me.
- No.
No, you're right.
It doesn't.
Okay, um is there anyone else, anyone who could confirm your claims against Ally? Like I said, the other cheerleaders won't speak out against her because she determines who gets assigned the outside jobs.
- Right.
- Jane, those jobs pay up to $400 an hour, and Ally takes a commission off of every gig that she books - 30% off the top.
- Wow.
Yeah, and management turns a blind eye because they don't care.
I'm sorry, Chelsea.
I I really am.
I What do we do next? Honestly, I don't know.
The Democratic Republic of Maxwell? Are you kidding me? I would never kid with the U.
S.
Attorney's Office.
My clients have formally seceded from the United States.
Therefore, we ask the court to recognize that the city's claim against their house is no longer valid.
Secession ain't that easy.
He's right, Mr.
French.
"Civil war" ring any bells? Under international law, specific criteria must be met in order for a nation to be recognized as independent.
I am aware.
A formal declaration fully signed and executed.
Fedex confirms that the Department of State received theirs an hour ago.
And what about a formal governmental structure? Yes.
Ruth is the President.
Ed is the Vice President.
And the children are Secretaries of State and Transportation.
Seriously? Statehood isn't merely a matter of declaring oneself independent.
It requires international recognition A letter of recognition signed by Thomas Esang Remengesau.
He's the president of the Island Nation of Palau.
How'd you secure this so quickly? Well not that it's relevant, but I chaired a judicial conference there a couple years ago.
There's only 20,000 people in the country, so meeting the president was pretty easy.
We stayed in touch.
This is a farce.
The United States of America is not going to recognize your clients' new country.
Your Honor? It's up to the State Department to decide how to deal with a secession.
But as far as the lien against the house, I'll stay all foreclosure efforts until this issue is fully resolved.
Jane Bingum's office.
Ms.
Muffintop? Oh, um she is at a new extension.
I'll transfer you.
- Hey, intern.
- Mm? This is about you.
This is Cassandra.
Yes.
I understand.
Tomorrow at 3:00 is fine.
At my office.
Good.
Good.
Hm.
Cheerios.
You better book me a conference room blinds down.
Maybe it's time we ask Jane for help.
Relax.
Big mama's got this.
Mm! I just had the most amazing pregnant-lady yoga class.
I sweat in places I never knew existed.
Well, that's nice, sweetie.
Mediation music.
Hibiscus tea.
Oh? Mint antioxidant edible face mask.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, my God.
You're nervous about having sex with Grayson tomorrow night.
That's crazy.
I'm ecstatic about tomorrow night.
Doesn't mean you're not nervous.
And it explains why you haven't been in a rush to do it.
Okay, fine, I'm nervous.
I totally understand.
It's like your body is the final frontier.
Hmm.
Wait, did you just compare my body to a "Star Trek" mission? Did I? I just keep thinking what if sex with me now isn't as good as sex with me before? You're competing with another woman, and that other woman is you.
My sex life with Grayson was ridiculous.
I mean - the things that we did - Okay.
You are the same person as before, and you know exactly how to get Grayson going, not to mention the guy is totally crazy about you.
And that is what makes for good sex.
Thank you.
How's your cheerleader case going? God, it's a mess.
I can't find another cheerleader to testify to the bullying because they're all afraid to upset Ally, the head cheerleader.
She's a classic queen bee.
She's turned cheerleading into a corrupt business full of bribes and favors.
See, she decides which girl gets to do which job, and then she gets a taste of all the action.
Forget queen bee.
She sounds like a character from "The Sopranos.
" Oh, my God.
You're right.
She's exactly like a character from "The Sopranos.
" The Breaker girls they're not monsters.
They're mobsters.
I'm gonna take on the mob.
Your Honor, I'm amending my cause of action to include a violation of the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations Act.
You want to treat the Breaker girls as a criminal enterprise under RICO? - I do.
- RICO is for bringing down drug cartels and mafia figures, not cheerleaders.
Well, that may be true, but the Breaker girls operate just like the mob with Ally as the don.
She's instituted a system where assignments are doled out based solely on her whim.
And if you're in, you get glamorous parties and luxury travel and the highest-paying gigs.
If, like, Chelsea, you refuse to kiss Ally's ring, you're sleeping with the fishes or, at best, doing the lowest-paying gigs.
This is absurd.
I am seeking a consent decree deposing Ally Roth as head cheerleader, restructuring the organization to eliminate bullying, and, of course, the statutorily mandated treble damages.
Ally Roth is not Michael Corleone.
And no one is forcing your client to be a cheerleader.
Okay, under the law, all that matters is that Ally is enforcing a repressive system of kickbacks by taking a cut of every fee.
So our complaint will allege that Ally Roth is a straight-up pompom-wielding capo di tutti capi.
Pretty clever, Ms.
Bingum.
Well, thank you.
You may amend your complaint.
To be frank, Ms.
Muffintop, your client doesn't have a leg to stand on.
He signed our cardholder agreement.
Well, I think the F.
R.
A.
might disagree.
The Federal Railroad Administration? Yes, because you're trying to railroad my client.
At least, that's how the F.
R.
B.
, the Federal Reserve Bank, might see it.
As you know, they regulate the credit-card industry.
We've been entirely compliant in our collection efforts.
Yes, but you've been negligent in your recruiting efforts.
Before issuing my client a high-limit credit card, did you inquire at all about his income? He knew the terms of the credit card when he signed up.
Let's talk about those terms.
I defy even you to tell me what the hell this means.
"The finance charge for billing period is calculated" "by applying the periodic rate to the account balance" "subject to finance charge for each day in the billing period," "adding together all of those daily finance-charge amounts.
" Who's hungry? Huh? You know what they say good food helps break the tension in difficult situations.
This is Paul, my client.
Howdy.
How exactly did you pay for those lobsters? I put it on my card.
Don't worry.
I can pay later.
If you think my dumbass client understood your small print, then I'd like to see you try and convince a jury.
And look at that face.
Jurors will eat him like vanilla ice cream on a hot afternoon.
Of course, Paul would be my named plaintiff in a much larger class-action suit.
Okay.
Okay, as a one-time courtesy, we can forgive all the interest charges and 50% of the principal.
we cut up the card, and we all go home.
Fine.
We have a deal.
Oh, uh do I still get to keep the T-shirt? I'll have my office send over a fully executed release.
Good day, Ms.
Muffintop.
Glad we could work it out.
Hey.
Have you seen the Maxwells? They're half an hour late for their meeting.
Just got a text.
They're asking for a video chat.
Why? I don't know, but Ed's ready.
Hey, Ed.
What's going on? We pulled out of our driveway, and a U.
S.
Border Patrol officer stopped us.
He said since we seceded from the United States, we need a visa to enter the country.
They're taking it seriously.
Yeah, and the DWP has turned off our water and electricity.
Makes sense.
They're the ones who started this in the first place.
Look, Ed, we made a calculated gamble that the feds would pressure the city to drop the suit if we gave up our demand for secession.
Clearly, it's not working.
S should we give up? I mean, my family and I are prisoners in our own home.
I know this is difficult, but just just hang tight.
This is not over.
- Hey, sweetie.
- Hey! - This is a nice surprise.
- I brought you something.
Ooh, champagne.
And grapes.
- Seriously? You don't remember? - What? The first time you had sex with Grayson, he brought over the movie and the Chinese food, and you bought champagne and grapes.
'Cause strawberries were out of season.
Oh, my God.
Stacy, this is perfect.
- And you're welcome.
- Hm.
- So, what's with the mess? - Yeah.
In order for me to show damages in my case against the Breakers, I am adding up all of Chelsea's receipts for anything that remotely pertains to the cost associated with being a cheerleader, you know, like, dance classes and gym memberships and dermo appointments, blowouts, even her wardrobe.
Wow.
Hey, Goldilocks.
How's it hanging? Fine.
I know Chelsea brought us those receipts, but I asked for copies of her monthly statements - in case she missed anything.
- Oh, good idea.
And she recently put down a $3,000 retainer with Del Toro & Associates.
Wait.
That's a P.
R.
firm.
They exclusively work with reality stars and celebutantes.
I thought you said she didn't have that much money.
Yeah, that's what she told me.
Maybe she hired them after she was getting all that attention from the televised breakdown? Well, she hired them two days before her freak-out.
Why would you hire a publicity firm before you needed publicity? I think she was planning ahead.
And I think she's been playing me.
Chelsea's publicist confirmed she has lined up a slew of endorsement deals.
You're sure the whole case was a big publicity stunt? Yeah.
I went back and reviewed the cheerleading footage.
Turns out Ally stepped on Chelsea's foot And through the entire 32 seconds, Chelsea kept her eye on the scoreboard just waiting for the TV cameras to come back from commercial.
She wanted to make sure she was televised.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, and get this.
The social media postings calling her names I subpoenaed the server data.
She sent them to herself.
Chelsea figured out a way to get into the public eye by by pretending to be a victim, and it worked.
I mean, the idea of a bullied cheerleader struck a nerve in everybody.
I can't let her get away with this.
You can ask the judge to remove you from the case, but you can't go public.
You're right.
No, you're absolutely right.
I don't like the sound of that.
I promise I will not violate attorney/client privilege.
- Jane.
- What? Jane.
I'm sorry.
Forgive me for keeping you.
Um I want to thank you for securing visas for the Maxwells, and I sincerely hope that we can work this out.
I hope your clients have come to their senses.
Respectfully, we ask one more time that the AUSA's office exert pressure on the city to withdraw their demand for $75,000.
Look, we can't have every whack job thinking they can secede just to avoid paying fines.
In fact, I'm not even authorized to negotiate with an adversary.
Funny that you should use that word.
Uh, I have something for you.
A declaration of war on the United States? What are you doing? With one phone call, our government can Can what? What, bomb them into oblivion? Yes.
Listen, I don't know what sort of game this is, but you're going to lose.
You're right.
We surrender.
Ed, give them the capitulation document.
What the hell is going on? You win.
We lose.
And now, having decisively vanquished the Democratic Republic of Maxwell, our clients are entitled to war reparations.
- What? - The United States spent $44 billion under the Marshall plan after World War II and over $100 billion repairing Iraq and Afghanistan.
Considering the population of the Democratic Republic of Maxwell and the harm they've suffered in the recent conflict, we request the measly sum of 75 grand.
Just the amount needed to cover the lien of the house.
Of course, we would expect the new rebuilding program to include speed bumps.
If you agree, we can put this to bed.
Will your clients agree to a nondisclosure agreement? Terms of this deal remain confidential.
Absolutely.
We love this country, and we'll do whatever you ask.
Welcome back to the U.
S.
A.
Welcome back.
Thank you.
According to today's "Los Angeles Post," you hired a publicist two days before your meltdown.
It's not against the law to hire a publicist.
Well, as someone who doesn't make much money, weren't you concerned about spending $3,000 on a publicity firm whose stationery reads, "we extend your 15 minutes of fame"? I I invested in myself.
When Ally wouldn't send you on the high-paying personal appearances, you got upset, didn't you? - Yes, but - Let's be honest.
You wanted fame.
You wanted money.
And you figured out how to get it fast by accusing your fellow cheerleaders of today's most charged buzzword, "bullying.
" Will you please object? He's attacking me.
Well, actually, that was a proper question.
Oh, but as your lawyer, I suggest you invoke your fifth-amendment rights.
I'm not answering any more anything.
Oh, in that case, I ask Your Honor to enter judgment on behalf of the defense.
Uh, well, no, wait.
Regardless of the veracity of Chelsea's claims, during discovery, I did uncover evidence of the Breaker girls' corrupt business practices, so I'm still asking Your Honor to exercise your authority under RICO to remove Ally Roth as head cheerleader and institute new policies for the assignment of outside gigs.
Ms.
Bingum, your request is granted.
- Thank you.
- As for your client, I'm referring her conduct to the D.
A.
's office, and I expect that they'll pursue perjury and malicious-prosecution charges.
Bailiff, you take this woman into custody.
I know you're the source of Rosemary's story.
You broke attorney/client privilege, and I will sue you for all you're worth.
Oh, yeah.
See, you gave me permission.
Yeah, remember? In this confidentiality waver.
It allows me to share all case-related information with Rosemary, so that's what I did.
Bye, Chelsea.
Oh, you're such a smart aleck.
Nobody knows anything but you.
I'll stop a car, and I won't use my thumb.
What are you gonna do? It's a system all my own.
Oh.
- No, don't answer that.
- It's Teri.
She never calls unless it's important.
- All right.
- Okay.
Hey, Teri.
Oh, my God.
No.
Okay, okay.
Just don't do or say anything.
I will be right there.
Oh, my God.
Teri's been arrested.
Let me guess false impersonation and practicing law without a license? How do you know that? I caught Teri impersonating an attorney, and I warned her to stop, but she ignored me.
So you had her arrested? No.
I told Kim.
Kim must have called the cops.
So you went to Kim instead of me? Teri is my assistant.
She's my friend.
Which is why I knew you wouldn't be objective.
No, you're damn right.
I would not have been objective.
Hey.
Teri's actions put the entire firm at risk.
I was protecting you.
You think I need protection? That's not what I meant.
I'm a partner in this firm, and you went behind my back to Kim? Kim, a woman whose idea of compassion is is stepping over the homeless.
No, Jane, I spared you from having to choose between the firm and your friends.
- I knew you'd choose Teri.
- So you chose for me.
I don't I don't even know what to say.
How about "thank you"? How about, when I get back from helping my friend, you're not here.
Hey, boss.
Are you here to bust me out? The A.
D.
A.
is willing to drop the felony charges.
- That's good.
- Yes, but he's insisting on jail time for the false personation.
Two weeks.
It's the best I could do.
So, I got to stay here? Well, if we post bail, he'll proceed with the felony charges, and that just gets much worse very quickly.
So, I'll be jailbird.
Truth is spending time in prison has always been on my bucket list.
Hey, did I take you away from something? Oh crap.
Tonight is your Grayson sex date.
I listen to some of your calls.
For your own protection.
Uh, yes, tonight is our date, but it is it's fine.
I hope that you are not angry with him on my account.
I mean, you realize this is entirely my fault, and I'm so sorry.
And I would never forgive myself if I came between you two.
Please tell me everything is okay.
Oh, yeah.
Everything's okay.
Everything's great.
He's at my house waiting for me with grapes and champagne.
Yeah.
Well, I want you to say, "goodbye, Teri," and go have the night of your life.
Goodbye, Teri.
I thought I'd go straight to heaven, but there was a bit of a mix-up, and I woke up in someone else's body.
So now I'm Jane, a super-busy lawyer with my very own assistant.
I got a new life, a new wardrobe, and the only people who really know what's going on with me are my girlfriend Stacy and my guardian angel, Paul.
I used to think everything happened for a reason.
Whoo! Now, I sure hope I was right.
Drop Dead Diva 6x05 - Cheers & Jeers Original air date April 13, 2014 Good morning.
Stacy are those Stella McCartney eco faux riding boots with sustainable wooden heels? - Oh, my God! - Aah! I know.
I feel like the world's sexiest gazelle.
You look so awesome.
But, you know, you are gonna be a mom soon.
You can't go on crazy shopping binges anymore.
I didn't.
Paul did.
They look good, huh? Mm-hmm.
Well, that was very generous.
- Hey, Paul.
- Hm? Do you understand what "unpaid intern" means? For you.
A sumptuous leather two-tone tote that can hold client files, a tablet, and a fabulous pair of shoes? With a satin bow.
Well, you ladies have been so nice to me, letting me crash at your house.
Not freaking out when I accidentally - shredded your tax returns.
- You shredded my - I just wanted to show my appreciation.
So please enjoy.
So you want to borrow these sexy boots so Grayson can slide them off you, or are you two still just kissing? You know, there is nothing wrong with kissing.
It can be very romantic and satisfying.
Yeah, if you're 12.
You know what? I'm glad that Grayson is taking his time because it will be really special when it finally happens.
I'm just saying it's time to take the kissing up a notch.
- Or is that down a notch? - Mnh.
Oh, my God.
A a reporter from the "Los Angeles Post" wants to see me about a story.
That's great, but we were talking about you and Grayson and s-e-x.
No.
You know what? I got to go.
I got to go to work, and I got to break in my new bag.
Oh, my gosh.
Good morning, Teri.
Teri.
Teri.
Professional cheerleader meltdown video from last night's L.
A.
Breaker basketball game.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Okay.
Oh! You did that on purpose, you [Bleep.]
bitch! Oh, she's a hot mess.
I love when she shoves her finger in the blond Barbie doll's face.
And when she stomped her foot, and she was like, "you're making me look bad!" - Wow.
That's some drama.
- And I [Bleep.]
quit! Hi.
Rosemary Mills with the "Los Angeles Post.
" - Oh.
- I'm writing a story on Chelsea Putnam of the Breaker girls.
I'm here to meet Jane Bingum.
Hi.
I am Jane.
It's really nice to meet you.
Uh, please.
Our house is close to a DWP substation.
Their access road runs right past our property.
For years, we've complained to management about employees speeding on the road It's zoned for 30.
I take it your complaints fell on deaf ears.
Last month, Holly was nearly run down while riding her bicycle.
Michael saw it happen.
A guy came speeding around the corner.
She jumped out of the way, and he ran over her bike.
Didn't even stop.
I scraped my knee.
At that point, we decided to take matters into our own hands.
I rented a cement mixer, and Michael and I installed speed bumps.
The cars slowed down, but then one of the DWP employees complained to the city, who removed the bumps.
Then the city sent us a bill for their cleanup work.
$75,000.
We don't have that kind of money.
Our home has been in the Maxwell family for three generations, and now the city's saying they're gonna take it from us if we don't pay up.
They can threaten all they want.
We're not gonna let that happen.
I'm really sorry about before.
Uh, my assistant and I sometimes act out popular online videos.
You should see her do the grumpy cat.
Anyway, uh, Rosemary, why exactly did you want to speak to me? I had tracked down Chelsea after last night's game, hoping to write a human-interest piece on her.
When she told me what led to her breakdown, I realized there was a potential lawsuit.
And we were hoping you'd represent her.
Oh, okay.
Uh, well, would you mind waiting for us out in the lobby? Excuse me? Well, you have to leave, or attorney/client confidentiality would be violated.
But I was promised exclusive access to write my story.
I'd like her to stay.
Okay, well, I just need you to sign this confidentiality waver.
- No problem.
- Okay.
Great.
So, in this case, please continue.
Well, I joined the Breaker girls this season.
I used to watch all the games with my father, and I know it probably sounds silly but cheerleading is what I always wanted to do.
It doesn't sound silly to me.
For months, I've been bullied by the squad mostly the head cheerleader, Ally Roth.
And since I'm the new girl, I figured there'd be some hazing, but It's been far worse than I ever imagined.
- How so? - Well, for starters, Ally's always harshing on my body.
When I skipped a voluntary practice, she left me a message promising to "Whip my fat ass into shape.
" And then, the other day, I was eating a cookie, and she grabbed it out of my hand and shoved it down my pants said it was going straight to my hips anyway.
Oh, my God.
And then there's the name-calling.
She nicknamed me "Slutface" and insisted that the other girls call me that.
They also attacked me on social media, calling me a ho stuff like that.
And no one stands up for you.
no, the other girls they want to be in Ally's good graces because she assigns the personal appearances.
Most people assume that professional cheerleaders are well-paid.
They only make $100 per game and nothing for practices.
Wow, I had no idea.
Personal appearances are the way to make real money.
Chelsea, have you complained to management? Yeah, and they said that if I wasn't happy, I could quit.
Okay.
Tell me about last night.
Ally intentionally stepped on my foot during our routine, and I I couldn't take it anymore, so I I lost it.
It's okay.
You know what? Here's the plan.
We're gonna sue the pants off the Breakers for allowing Ally and her posse to be such monsters.
- No.
- No? I don't want the money.
I just want to make sure that future cheerleaders aren't treated like I was.
Can you sue for that? Yeah.
You can.
And we will.
There's nothing that I hate more than bullies.
Hey.
I was thinking maybe we'd do a movie night this Friday.
Yeah.
A movie night.
Yeah, that sounds fun.
Or maybe I'll bring take-out Chinese and a copy of "It Happened One Night.
" It's a date.
Out of my way, intern! Get Stacy on the phone now! Sure thing, boss.
Got her.
Grayson's coming over Friday night.
- Oh, that's great.
- No, you don't understand.
He is bringing Chinese food and "It Happened One Night.
" Oh, my God.
That's the same date he planned the first night he and Deb you first had s-e-x.
- Yeah.
- I am going to go out right now and buy you some new candles.
No, no, no way.
Forget the candles.
Hit La Perla and get me their sexiest lingerie.
It's "go" time.
As general counsel of the L.
A.
Breakers, I am authorized to offer your client a $3,000 severance.
Well, goodness.
What does she have to do in exchange for such largess? Execute this standard confidentiality agreement, - and we - No.
No, no.
Chelsea has no plans to sell her silence.
Instead, we demand an immediate change to the way the Breaker girls operate.
Even if your allegations are true, the team is not responsible.
Breaker girls are not employees.
They're independent contractors.
The team management exercises control over all aspects of Breaker girl performances, so that means they are employees.
And since Chelsea put you on notice, the team is liable for failing to protect her.
Are you threatening to sue us? Oh, it's not just a threat.
Oh, no, no, no.
See, I plan to depose the entire squad, and you can bet your little pompoms that we'll be seeing you in court.
Teri I got to get out of here.
Oh, no, you are not taking lunch until you un-jam the photocopier, replace the empty water cooler, and catch the rat in the file room.
No, I mean I got to leave and find a paying job.
The first bill for my new credit card came.
They want $6,200 by the end of the month.
So that's how you bought Jane that new briefcase.
Please tell me you understand how credit cards work.
There was a dude at the mall.
He was offering a free T-shirt if I signed up for one.
I told him I worked at a law firm.
He said I needed a credit card.
He said I could just buy things and pay for them later.
I didn't realize later would come so soon.
- Have you told Jane? - Absolutely not.
She's constantly accusing me of being irresponsible.
I can't imagine why.
My only solution is to quit the internship and find a paying job as a barista.
Or a surgeon.
Paul, if you left, who do you think would have to un-jam the copier and catch the rats? - You.
- Exactly.
So I'm gonna help you.
I will send the credit-card company a very strongly worded letter on firm stationery.
Get me the papers that you had to sign, and I'll try to find a way to scare them into canceling your debt.
You'd do that for me? For you? Yeah.
And I hate rats.
Ally, you're the head cheerleader - for the breaker girls.
- Yes, I am.
And are you aware of Chelsea Putnam's allegations against you and the team? Yes.
So pathetic.
Her accusations are false.
Julie, have you ever witnessed any bullying or hazing or harassment while being a part of the Breaker girls? No.
Behavior like that would not be tolerated by the squad.
Were you ever told to call Chelsea derogatory names? No.
And I always told her she had nice hair.
Do you recall Ally Roth shoving a cookie down Chelsea Putnam's pants? - No.
Of course not.
- Never.
- Why would she lie? - I have no idea.
Lisa, were you ever encouraged to be cruel to Chelsea Putnam? - No.
- No.
- The girl needs help.
Did you ever hear Ally say demeaning comments to Chelsea? - No.
- Absolutely not.
Tell me about the night Ally stepped on Chelsea's foot.
Stuff like that happens in routines.
It was an accident.
Chelsea's a sweet girl, but sometimes she can be too sensitive.
Mr.
and Mrs.
Maxwell are good samaritans they're not vandals.
They were just trying to protect their children from speeding traffic.
I mean, can't the city just chalk it up as a misunderstanding and forget the 75 grand? I'm sorry, Owen, but, in this case, the city Attorney's Office doesn't have that discretion.
Oh, come on.
There's always a deal to be made.
Well, I probably shouldn't say anything, but it turns out that a general manager at the DWP is good buddies with the mayor, and he was driving his sports car, hit one of those speed bumps, blew out two tires, and bent his rims.
And he got the mayor to pressure your boss to go after our clients? Yeah, but, uh, you didn't hear that from me.
Under the doctrine of necessity, my clients built speed bumps to avert an accident on an unsafe road.
They cannot be held liable for repairs, and the lien against their house should be voided.
You do know that traffic control is the sole responsibility of government.
Imagine the chaos that would ensue if we allowed people to determine what a safe speed limit was or where it was okay to make a left turn.
You guys want to go to court and argue necessity, go ahead, but you know you're gonna lose.
Thank you so much for meeting me.
- Oh, sure.
- I thought it would be nice to get to know you better for the story.
Oh, well, I'm an open book.
And I wanted to thank you for bringing me this case.
Of course.
How did the depositions go today? The cheerleaders closed ranks, and they gave me nothing.
So uh, u-uh, hold on one second.
Sir.
Sir, can you turn the volume up on the TV, please? to be the new face of the anti-bullying movement? Well, I think my story proves that bullies come in all shapes and sizes and that their actions should not be tolerated.
Did you know Chelsea was going on TV? - No, I did not.
- I hear there's some interest in your life rights for a book or movie.
Well, that's flattering.
Um, but I just want to focus on changing the culture of harassment within the Breaker girls.
Thank you, Chelsea, and good luck.
I thought I had an exclusive.
But I guess I can't blame her thanks to her televised breakdown, her story's gone national.
Anyway, back to the case.
Without the supporting testimony of the cheerleaders, what can you do? Oh, well, you know, I can always look outside the box.
What do you mean? The current crop of cheerleaders they have a lot to lose if they testify.
So you're looking for a former cheerleader perhaps someone with a gripe against the team.
Perhaps.
You already have a witness, don't you? Well Okay, off the record, her name is Barbara Watson.
She is an ex-L.
A.
Breaker girl who runs this blog very critical of the squad.
Mm.
When do I get to meet her? Tomorrow in court.
She's my surprise witness.
See, that way, we can avoid having the Breakers depose her beforehand.
I am very impressed.
Oh, well, thank you.
To looking outside the box.
Mm.
Hello, sweetie.
Do my lips look more kissable in cherry red, flamingo pink, or voilà violet? Are you on lipster again? My date has to go perfectly with Grayson, and I plan to lead with my lips.
Mm.
Jane, I have bad news.
Uh, Stace, got to go.
Your surprise witness just called to say she accepted an offer from the Breakers to serve as their international goodwill ambassador.
She's on a plane to Tokyo and isn't coming back until August.
The team must have figured out I was calling her to the stand.
I think I know how.
Rosemary Mills just published an article saying that Chelsea's legal team was calling a surprise witness.
"She's described as" "a disgruntled former Breaker girl" "with an active online presence.
" She doesn't say Barbara's name, but she might as well have printed her address and phone number.
I'm gonna kill Rosemary Mills.
Excuse me.
A Rosemary Mills is here.
She says you're going to court together.
Put her in the conference room, please.
Okay.
How dare you print something told to you in confidence? I never gave the witness's name.
Do you think their general counsel is an idiot? You described Barbara in detail, and they've offered her a bribe to prevent her from testifying.
Can't you just use the blog? No, it is hearsay.
Without Barbara to authenticate it, we'll never get it in.
And since she wasn't on our official witness list, we can't even charge the Breakers with witness tampering.
I'm sorry.
Oh, really? Are you sorry? Or was this your way to get back at Chelsea for spoiling your exclusive by doing that TV interview? I would never do that.
You just did.
You know what? You stay away from Chelsea and stay away from me.
Teri.
I found this letter jammed in the copier.
Paper jams are Paul's responsibility.
The letter is on firm stationery and addressed to Metropolitan Credit, signed by a lawyer named "Cassandra Muffintop.
" By any chance, are you Ms.
Muffintop? No.
Yes.
Please tell me you haven't sent this letter.
Not only is it illegal to impersonate a member of the bar, but if our malpractice carrier found out that a non-lawyer was giving legal counsel, they'd cancel our policy.
No insurance, no firm.
Of course I haven't sent it.
Great.
Please shred it.
- Paul.
- Yeah? - Have you sent that letter yet? - About an hour ago.
Oh, damn it.
Do me a favor.
Don't tell anyone that I'm helping you out, okay? Not a problem.
We spoke with the city attorney, and, unfortunately, the law is not on our side.
I'm very sorry.
We don't have 75 grand to pay off the lien.
What about a second mortgage? No bank is gonna loan us money with a government lien on our property.
I can't believe this can happen in the United States of America.
What if you weren't in the United States of America? We can save our house by moving? No, no, no, no.
Not moving seceding.
Government entities can seize property within American borders, not outside of them.
I if you become your own country, they can't touch you.
I'm not sure I follow.
Neither do I.
Owen, can I talk to you? I'm saying that we're going to relocate your house, legally speaking.
As of today, you will become the Democratic Republic of Maxwell.
Owen, a moment.
We need to do some paperwork and discuss a constitution.
- Will we have our on flag? - Of course.
- Mom can be president.
- I love it.
Mom can be president.
Ed, you can be vice president.
Can this actually work? I don't think it's ever been tried before, Madam President, but please excuse us a moment.
Oh.
One second.
Be right back.
What's the problem? You just suggested that our clients secede from the United States of America.
Yeah, and I know it's a long shot.
Secessionists are seen as fanatics and instigators.
There could be consequences.
I'm buying us time, Grayson, and if we win they'll get to keep their house.
We can't win.
Fine.
Do you have a better solution? Okay, then.
Let's go inside and pledge our allegiance to the Democratic Republic of Maxwell.
Chelsea, how were you treated when you joined the Breaker girls? Like an outsider.
Ally and the others picked on me as soon as I arrived.
Really? How so? If I sat at their table, Ally would get up, and the rest of the squad would follow.
They made fun of my makeup, my clothes.
Ally even told me the wrong time for the annual picture so I'd miss it.
Wow.
Really childish.
They called me names and spread rumors online saying I was promiscuous.
I haven't had a date in six months.
And it was your dream to be a cheerleader, - wasn't it? - Yes.
But I thought cheerleading was about positive energy and raising team spirit, not picking on the new girl.
Thank you.
You said you haven't had a date in six months? - That's right.
- What about your coffee dates with backup forward Leon Watters? Objection.
Relevance.
Your client introduced her dating history.
Overruled.
They weren't exactly dates, but Are you aware of the clause in your contract that prohibits fraternization with the players? - Yes.
- Well, I think you hastily filed this lawsuit because you knew you'd be kicked off the squad if your inappropriate relationship came to light.
Objection argumentative.
Overruled.
Leon was going through a personal problem, and I'm a good listener.
I was being a good friend.
Just a friend? On March 17th, did you meet Leon for drinks at the Bacara Resort in Santa Barbara? Yes.
Where did you sleep that night? Ms.
Bingum, don't bother to object.
Ms.
Putnam will answer the question.
In Leon's room.
And yet you wonder why you have a reputation for promiscuity.
No more questions.
You slept with a player? It was just that one time! And I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but it's embarrassing.
- What else don't I know? - Nothing! Look, Leon's best friend died.
I was being supportive, and it turned into something else, but it was a mistake, and it never happened again.
Chelsea, this undermines your credibility.
And it gives the Breakers the right to terminate you.
Well, it doesn't give Ally and her posse - the right to harass me.
- No.
No, you're right.
It doesn't.
Okay, um is there anyone else, anyone who could confirm your claims against Ally? Like I said, the other cheerleaders won't speak out against her because she determines who gets assigned the outside jobs.
- Right.
- Jane, those jobs pay up to $400 an hour, and Ally takes a commission off of every gig that she books - 30% off the top.
- Wow.
Yeah, and management turns a blind eye because they don't care.
I'm sorry, Chelsea.
I I really am.
I What do we do next? Honestly, I don't know.
The Democratic Republic of Maxwell? Are you kidding me? I would never kid with the U.
S.
Attorney's Office.
My clients have formally seceded from the United States.
Therefore, we ask the court to recognize that the city's claim against their house is no longer valid.
Secession ain't that easy.
He's right, Mr.
French.
"Civil war" ring any bells? Under international law, specific criteria must be met in order for a nation to be recognized as independent.
I am aware.
A formal declaration fully signed and executed.
Fedex confirms that the Department of State received theirs an hour ago.
And what about a formal governmental structure? Yes.
Ruth is the President.
Ed is the Vice President.
And the children are Secretaries of State and Transportation.
Seriously? Statehood isn't merely a matter of declaring oneself independent.
It requires international recognition A letter of recognition signed by Thomas Esang Remengesau.
He's the president of the Island Nation of Palau.
How'd you secure this so quickly? Well not that it's relevant, but I chaired a judicial conference there a couple years ago.
There's only 20,000 people in the country, so meeting the president was pretty easy.
We stayed in touch.
This is a farce.
The United States of America is not going to recognize your clients' new country.
Your Honor? It's up to the State Department to decide how to deal with a secession.
But as far as the lien against the house, I'll stay all foreclosure efforts until this issue is fully resolved.
Jane Bingum's office.
Ms.
Muffintop? Oh, um she is at a new extension.
I'll transfer you.
- Hey, intern.
- Mm? This is about you.
This is Cassandra.
Yes.
I understand.
Tomorrow at 3:00 is fine.
At my office.
Good.
Good.
Hm.
Cheerios.
You better book me a conference room blinds down.
Maybe it's time we ask Jane for help.
Relax.
Big mama's got this.
Mm! I just had the most amazing pregnant-lady yoga class.
I sweat in places I never knew existed.
Well, that's nice, sweetie.
Mediation music.
Hibiscus tea.
Oh? Mint antioxidant edible face mask.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, my God.
You're nervous about having sex with Grayson tomorrow night.
That's crazy.
I'm ecstatic about tomorrow night.
Doesn't mean you're not nervous.
And it explains why you haven't been in a rush to do it.
Okay, fine, I'm nervous.
I totally understand.
It's like your body is the final frontier.
Hmm.
Wait, did you just compare my body to a "Star Trek" mission? Did I? I just keep thinking what if sex with me now isn't as good as sex with me before? You're competing with another woman, and that other woman is you.
My sex life with Grayson was ridiculous.
I mean - the things that we did - Okay.
You are the same person as before, and you know exactly how to get Grayson going, not to mention the guy is totally crazy about you.
And that is what makes for good sex.
Thank you.
How's your cheerleader case going? God, it's a mess.
I can't find another cheerleader to testify to the bullying because they're all afraid to upset Ally, the head cheerleader.
She's a classic queen bee.
She's turned cheerleading into a corrupt business full of bribes and favors.
See, she decides which girl gets to do which job, and then she gets a taste of all the action.
Forget queen bee.
She sounds like a character from "The Sopranos.
" Oh, my God.
You're right.
She's exactly like a character from "The Sopranos.
" The Breaker girls they're not monsters.
They're mobsters.
I'm gonna take on the mob.
Your Honor, I'm amending my cause of action to include a violation of the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations Act.
You want to treat the Breaker girls as a criminal enterprise under RICO? - I do.
- RICO is for bringing down drug cartels and mafia figures, not cheerleaders.
Well, that may be true, but the Breaker girls operate just like the mob with Ally as the don.
She's instituted a system where assignments are doled out based solely on her whim.
And if you're in, you get glamorous parties and luxury travel and the highest-paying gigs.
If, like, Chelsea, you refuse to kiss Ally's ring, you're sleeping with the fishes or, at best, doing the lowest-paying gigs.
This is absurd.
I am seeking a consent decree deposing Ally Roth as head cheerleader, restructuring the organization to eliminate bullying, and, of course, the statutorily mandated treble damages.
Ally Roth is not Michael Corleone.
And no one is forcing your client to be a cheerleader.
Okay, under the law, all that matters is that Ally is enforcing a repressive system of kickbacks by taking a cut of every fee.
So our complaint will allege that Ally Roth is a straight-up pompom-wielding capo di tutti capi.
Pretty clever, Ms.
Bingum.
Well, thank you.
You may amend your complaint.
To be frank, Ms.
Muffintop, your client doesn't have a leg to stand on.
He signed our cardholder agreement.
Well, I think the F.
R.
A.
might disagree.
The Federal Railroad Administration? Yes, because you're trying to railroad my client.
At least, that's how the F.
R.
B.
, the Federal Reserve Bank, might see it.
As you know, they regulate the credit-card industry.
We've been entirely compliant in our collection efforts.
Yes, but you've been negligent in your recruiting efforts.
Before issuing my client a high-limit credit card, did you inquire at all about his income? He knew the terms of the credit card when he signed up.
Let's talk about those terms.
I defy even you to tell me what the hell this means.
"The finance charge for billing period is calculated" "by applying the periodic rate to the account balance" "subject to finance charge for each day in the billing period," "adding together all of those daily finance-charge amounts.
" Who's hungry? Huh? You know what they say good food helps break the tension in difficult situations.
This is Paul, my client.
Howdy.
How exactly did you pay for those lobsters? I put it on my card.
Don't worry.
I can pay later.
If you think my dumbass client understood your small print, then I'd like to see you try and convince a jury.
And look at that face.
Jurors will eat him like vanilla ice cream on a hot afternoon.
Of course, Paul would be my named plaintiff in a much larger class-action suit.
Okay.
Okay, as a one-time courtesy, we can forgive all the interest charges and 50% of the principal.
we cut up the card, and we all go home.
Fine.
We have a deal.
Oh, uh do I still get to keep the T-shirt? I'll have my office send over a fully executed release.
Good day, Ms.
Muffintop.
Glad we could work it out.
Hey.
Have you seen the Maxwells? They're half an hour late for their meeting.
Just got a text.
They're asking for a video chat.
Why? I don't know, but Ed's ready.
Hey, Ed.
What's going on? We pulled out of our driveway, and a U.
S.
Border Patrol officer stopped us.
He said since we seceded from the United States, we need a visa to enter the country.
They're taking it seriously.
Yeah, and the DWP has turned off our water and electricity.
Makes sense.
They're the ones who started this in the first place.
Look, Ed, we made a calculated gamble that the feds would pressure the city to drop the suit if we gave up our demand for secession.
Clearly, it's not working.
S should we give up? I mean, my family and I are prisoners in our own home.
I know this is difficult, but just just hang tight.
This is not over.
- Hey, sweetie.
- Hey! - This is a nice surprise.
- I brought you something.
Ooh, champagne.
And grapes.
- Seriously? You don't remember? - What? The first time you had sex with Grayson, he brought over the movie and the Chinese food, and you bought champagne and grapes.
'Cause strawberries were out of season.
Oh, my God.
Stacy, this is perfect.
- And you're welcome.
- Hm.
- So, what's with the mess? - Yeah.
In order for me to show damages in my case against the Breakers, I am adding up all of Chelsea's receipts for anything that remotely pertains to the cost associated with being a cheerleader, you know, like, dance classes and gym memberships and dermo appointments, blowouts, even her wardrobe.
Wow.
Hey, Goldilocks.
How's it hanging? Fine.
I know Chelsea brought us those receipts, but I asked for copies of her monthly statements - in case she missed anything.
- Oh, good idea.
And she recently put down a $3,000 retainer with Del Toro & Associates.
Wait.
That's a P.
R.
firm.
They exclusively work with reality stars and celebutantes.
I thought you said she didn't have that much money.
Yeah, that's what she told me.
Maybe she hired them after she was getting all that attention from the televised breakdown? Well, she hired them two days before her freak-out.
Why would you hire a publicity firm before you needed publicity? I think she was planning ahead.
And I think she's been playing me.
Chelsea's publicist confirmed she has lined up a slew of endorsement deals.
You're sure the whole case was a big publicity stunt? Yeah.
I went back and reviewed the cheerleading footage.
Turns out Ally stepped on Chelsea's foot And through the entire 32 seconds, Chelsea kept her eye on the scoreboard just waiting for the TV cameras to come back from commercial.
She wanted to make sure she was televised.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, and get this.
The social media postings calling her names I subpoenaed the server data.
She sent them to herself.
Chelsea figured out a way to get into the public eye by by pretending to be a victim, and it worked.
I mean, the idea of a bullied cheerleader struck a nerve in everybody.
I can't let her get away with this.
You can ask the judge to remove you from the case, but you can't go public.
You're right.
No, you're absolutely right.
I don't like the sound of that.
I promise I will not violate attorney/client privilege.
- Jane.
- What? Jane.
I'm sorry.
Forgive me for keeping you.
Um I want to thank you for securing visas for the Maxwells, and I sincerely hope that we can work this out.
I hope your clients have come to their senses.
Respectfully, we ask one more time that the AUSA's office exert pressure on the city to withdraw their demand for $75,000.
Look, we can't have every whack job thinking they can secede just to avoid paying fines.
In fact, I'm not even authorized to negotiate with an adversary.
Funny that you should use that word.
Uh, I have something for you.
A declaration of war on the United States? What are you doing? With one phone call, our government can Can what? What, bomb them into oblivion? Yes.
Listen, I don't know what sort of game this is, but you're going to lose.
You're right.
We surrender.
Ed, give them the capitulation document.
What the hell is going on? You win.
We lose.
And now, having decisively vanquished the Democratic Republic of Maxwell, our clients are entitled to war reparations.
- What? - The United States spent $44 billion under the Marshall plan after World War II and over $100 billion repairing Iraq and Afghanistan.
Considering the population of the Democratic Republic of Maxwell and the harm they've suffered in the recent conflict, we request the measly sum of 75 grand.
Just the amount needed to cover the lien of the house.
Of course, we would expect the new rebuilding program to include speed bumps.
If you agree, we can put this to bed.
Will your clients agree to a nondisclosure agreement? Terms of this deal remain confidential.
Absolutely.
We love this country, and we'll do whatever you ask.
Welcome back to the U.
S.
A.
Welcome back.
Thank you.
According to today's "Los Angeles Post," you hired a publicist two days before your meltdown.
It's not against the law to hire a publicist.
Well, as someone who doesn't make much money, weren't you concerned about spending $3,000 on a publicity firm whose stationery reads, "we extend your 15 minutes of fame"? I I invested in myself.
When Ally wouldn't send you on the high-paying personal appearances, you got upset, didn't you? - Yes, but - Let's be honest.
You wanted fame.
You wanted money.
And you figured out how to get it fast by accusing your fellow cheerleaders of today's most charged buzzword, "bullying.
" Will you please object? He's attacking me.
Well, actually, that was a proper question.
Oh, but as your lawyer, I suggest you invoke your fifth-amendment rights.
I'm not answering any more anything.
Oh, in that case, I ask Your Honor to enter judgment on behalf of the defense.
Uh, well, no, wait.
Regardless of the veracity of Chelsea's claims, during discovery, I did uncover evidence of the Breaker girls' corrupt business practices, so I'm still asking Your Honor to exercise your authority under RICO to remove Ally Roth as head cheerleader and institute new policies for the assignment of outside gigs.
Ms.
Bingum, your request is granted.
- Thank you.
- As for your client, I'm referring her conduct to the D.
A.
's office, and I expect that they'll pursue perjury and malicious-prosecution charges.
Bailiff, you take this woman into custody.
I know you're the source of Rosemary's story.
You broke attorney/client privilege, and I will sue you for all you're worth.
Oh, yeah.
See, you gave me permission.
Yeah, remember? In this confidentiality waver.
It allows me to share all case-related information with Rosemary, so that's what I did.
Bye, Chelsea.
Oh, you're such a smart aleck.
Nobody knows anything but you.
I'll stop a car, and I won't use my thumb.
What are you gonna do? It's a system all my own.
Oh.
- No, don't answer that.
- It's Teri.
She never calls unless it's important.
- All right.
- Okay.
Hey, Teri.
Oh, my God.
No.
Okay, okay.
Just don't do or say anything.
I will be right there.
Oh, my God.
Teri's been arrested.
Let me guess false impersonation and practicing law without a license? How do you know that? I caught Teri impersonating an attorney, and I warned her to stop, but she ignored me.
So you had her arrested? No.
I told Kim.
Kim must have called the cops.
So you went to Kim instead of me? Teri is my assistant.
She's my friend.
Which is why I knew you wouldn't be objective.
No, you're damn right.
I would not have been objective.
Hey.
Teri's actions put the entire firm at risk.
I was protecting you.
You think I need protection? That's not what I meant.
I'm a partner in this firm, and you went behind my back to Kim? Kim, a woman whose idea of compassion is is stepping over the homeless.
No, Jane, I spared you from having to choose between the firm and your friends.
- I knew you'd choose Teri.
- So you chose for me.
I don't I don't even know what to say.
How about "thank you"? How about, when I get back from helping my friend, you're not here.
Hey, boss.
Are you here to bust me out? The A.
D.
A.
is willing to drop the felony charges.
- That's good.
- Yes, but he's insisting on jail time for the false personation.
Two weeks.
It's the best I could do.
So, I got to stay here? Well, if we post bail, he'll proceed with the felony charges, and that just gets much worse very quickly.
So, I'll be jailbird.
Truth is spending time in prison has always been on my bucket list.
Hey, did I take you away from something? Oh crap.
Tonight is your Grayson sex date.
I listen to some of your calls.
For your own protection.
Uh, yes, tonight is our date, but it is it's fine.
I hope that you are not angry with him on my account.
I mean, you realize this is entirely my fault, and I'm so sorry.
And I would never forgive myself if I came between you two.
Please tell me everything is okay.
Oh, yeah.
Everything's okay.
Everything's great.
He's at my house waiting for me with grapes and champagne.
Yeah.
Well, I want you to say, "goodbye, Teri," and go have the night of your life.
Goodbye, Teri.