Family Ties (1982) s06e05 Episode Script

(no voice) I bet we've been together for a million years And I bet we'll be together for a million more Oh, it's like I started breathing On the night we kissed And I can't remember what I ever did before What would we do, baby, without us? What would we do, baby, without us? And there ain't no nothing we can't love each other through What would we do, baby, without us? "And then Mr.
Reagan said "Oh, look, Mommy, "it's Secretary of State it's Secretary of State George Schultz.
" Boy, Andrew, this Love Republicans pop-up book was the best purchase I ever made.
Make Nancy wave again.
(raspy voice): "Hi.
" Thanks for carrying my books home, Simon.
I'd carry these books to the ends of the earth for you, my dearest.
The counter will be fine.
Jennifer, I've been Who's the guy? That's my brother.
Hi.
(quietly): Don't encourage him, Alex.
Simon, it was really nice of you to carry my books home and all, but I really think you should be going now.
Jennifer, I've been in love with you ever since I spotted you across the crowded auditorium during that school bus safety assembly.
Yes, that was a powerful moment.
Tell me you love me.
Yuck! I can't take this.
We can't keep going on like this.
I mean, you're just not my type.
It's because I'm a nerd, isn't it? Yes.
Maybe this would change your mind.
Diamonds.
(chuckles): Go for it.
Go for it.
Simon, you shouldn't have done that.
No, no, it's okay, my mother won't miss them.
Simon, I'm not going to accept your mother's earrings! How about her brooch.
Simon, forget it! Will you go with me to the sophomore dance? Simon, I said no, all right? SIMON: I-I'm not leaving until you - give me at least a maybe.
- Okay, maybe.
- Really? - No! Please, please, please? Don't make me beg.
All right maybe.
Boy, Simon, this is about as much fun as a bloodletting.
I am one step closer to paradise.
Until later, my love.
Geez, Jen, you know, you really shouldn't lead the guy on like that.
Come on, give him a break, will you? Go to the dance with him.
Alex, he's a nerd.
It's true but he's a nerd bearing gifts.
Who's that guy I saw skipping across the front lawn? Oh, that was Simon.
A young gentleman suitor that I think Jennifer should consider going out with.
Alex, he's a nerd.
He gave her diamond earrings.
He did have a certain charm.
I don't need this kind of pressure.
I mean, being in high school by itself is hard enough.
Oh, stop! What is so hard about high school? High school wasn't that hard for me.
Yeah, but she actually goes into the classroom.
I can't believe the social pressures in high school.
I mean, it's not enough just to be smart anymore.
Now you have to worry about what you wear, who you hang out with, who you date.
That's what I loved about high school your outward appearance is everything.
Boy, oh, boy, the streets are getting dangerous.
We almost got plowed down by this kid skipping down the middle of the street.
Oh, that's Simon.
Yeah, it's Jennifer's new boyfriend.
- STEVEN: Oh! - He is not my boyfriend.
I don't even like him.
He likes Jen.
He offered her diamond earrings.
Boy, things have sure changed since I was in high school.
Actually, there is this boy I kind of like in high school.
His name is Roger, he's a sophomore, and a total, unmitigated hunk.
(sighs passionately) Really? Have you talked with him? - Actually, he talked to me.
- (gasps) He's gonna be at the sophomore dance on Friday night.
Are you gonna go? I can't.
I'm not a sophomore.
I'll probably have to go to the dumb freshman dance.
What's wrong with that? You are a freshman, aren't you? Dad, you can't go to your own class dance.
That's so embarrassing.
Oh, of course, I forgot.
Why not? Because it's just not done, that's all.
I mean, girls have to aspire to something bigger than their own class dance.
The freshman girls go to the sophomore dance, the sophomores go to the junior dance, the juniors go to the senior dance, and the seniors, well, they hang out at the Jack in the Box.
- MALLORY: Hi, Jen.
- Hi.
What's the matter? You look kind of down.
Mallory, the sophomore dance is only two days away, and no one's asked me to go yet.
I've got to go.
I just have to.
Roger's gonna be there.
He smiled near me today.
How close? Eight lockers away.
That's meaningful.
There's nothing like a smile from a hunk.
I know.
It's even better than when you walk into your classroom and you see a movie projector set up.
Yeah.
Right.
I've got to go, Mal.
Well, look, you could crash it.
I'd be too scared to.
You could go with Simon.
Yeah, but then I'd have to ditch him right when I got there.
- I just couldn't do that.
- Yeah, I guess not.
What? What? Couldn't do what? This is not your area, Alex.
Hey, how do you know? Because it involves feelings, thought and emotions of a nonmonetary nature.
Yeah, you're right.
Jen, I know how important this is to you, right? So I'm gonna go upstairs, put my mind to it, and I won't come back until I have an answer.
We're never gonna see her again.
What's the problem? Don't tell me teen problems, right? You need braces.
Not exactly.
You, uh want a phone in your room.
No.
Need your ears pierced? No.
Well, you haven't got any teen problems.
Alex, there's this guy at school Roger.
Whenever I see him in the hallway, I get this kind of light feeling in my stomach.
Do you ever get that way? It's kind of an excitement bordering on nausea? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Whenever I hear the words "tax-free.
" I don't know what happens to me.
I-I get so I get nervous, I freeze up.
I can't even speak.
I know the feeling, I'm telling you.
If Roger were tax-free, we'd both be deeply in love.
But Roger doesn't even know I'm alive.
Meanwhile, Simon won't stop bugging me to go to the dance with him.
Oh, hey, I like that Simon.
I'm telling you, he compensates for his complete lack of coordination, poise and social grace with expensive gifts.
Got to love the guy.
Alex, do you think it's okay to manipulate Absolutely.
I didn't finish my question yet.
Jen, it doesn't matter.
As a general rule, manipulation is a great way to go.
But what if it might hurt a person? If you do it right, nobody gets hurt.
All right, I'll give you an example, okay? Santa Claus.
Right? Nice guy, right? He's cute, yeah.
Now, there he is every Christmas, whipping toys down chimneys every kid's dream.
Now, he thinks he's doing it to make all the little boys and girls happy.
What he doesn't realize is that he's just a sales rep for Mattel.
What are you talking about, Alex? He's a pawn! He's a pawn for the big toy conglomerates.
He's a big, chubby, ruddy-faced pawn.
I don't get it.
Jen, Santa is being completely manipulated by the toy companies.
But-but-but he's, you know, flying around with his reindeer, he's chuggin' eggnog, he's having the yuletide time of his life.
There's only one small flaw in your theory, Alex.
(chuckles) Yeah? What's that, Jen? Santa Claus doesn't exist.
(laughs) (laughs weakly) (trembling): What are you talking about? Santa Claus he doesn't exist.
You know, I hate when people say that.
I'm sorry, Alex.
I thought you knew.
That's all right, that's all right.
I try to give a little pep talk in favor of manipulation, and I get my feelings crushed.
It'll work, Jen, okay? Just trust me.
Hello.
Simon.
This is Jennifer.
Okay, I'll go to the dance with you.
Hello, Simon? Are you okay? Hey, honey, what do you have? Oh, nothing much.
Just a dress.
I borrowed it from my friend Jane.
Jennifer, let me see this.
Jennifer, this is not just a dress, this is a Jocometti original in an iridescent emerald green cloqué from the Rive Gauche Resort Collection, circa 1984.
Mal, how is it humanly possible for you to have all that in your head and nothing else? Jennifer, what is this for? Nothing much this, that; I'll wear it around the house, maybe to the sophomore dance.
Oh, you're going! That's great.
Who's the lucky boy? Oh, um no one you know.
ELYSE: Uh, what's his name? Anthony Quinn.
Yeah.
Zorba? Isn't he a little old for you? All right, it's Simon.
Si well, I-I thought you didn't like Simon.
I kind of don't.
Then why are you going with him? Because Alex told me to.
ALEX: Oh Now, wait a minute Wait a minute.
Don't blame me.
I'd rather you'd go for Zorba.
All right! I'm going with Simon because I want to go to the sophomore dance, and that's the only way I can get in.
Besides, once I'm there, anything can happen.
I might bump into Roger.
Oh, Jen, I'm-I'm really surprised at you! I mean, you-you must realize what you're doing.
You're just using Simon to get to Roger.
Look, this isn't as one-sided as it seems.
If I go out with Simon, he'll be happy.
He'll stop bugging me, calling me all the time, coming over.
Besides, it's not that big of a deal.
Simon doesn't care about me that much anyway.
ELYSE: It's just Oh, no? Simon! What are you doing? Oh, I just wanted to say that Who's the guy? That's my father.
- How do you do, Mr.
Keaton? - Fine.
It is such a thrill.
Mm-hmm.
What, um? Oh don't worry about that, sir.
It's not what it looks like.
I mean, it is a cake.
It's all they had left at the bakery.
That's a relief.
I always believed that I would meet a girl like you one day.
A girl who saw past what everyone else saw and really liked me.
Really liked the me in me.
Congratulations on being that girl, Jennifer.
- But Simon, I - Shh.
Not another word, my sweet.
I just want you to know that if I die at this very moment, I will die happy.
Oh! You still happy? (gasps) A little dizzy, but still happy.
All right, Andrew, you're really coming along with your reading.
Very proud of you.
Thanks.
I owe it all to you.
Well, let's not get mushy.
Okay.
What is this word right here? - "Impeach.
" - (quietly): Good.
Isn't that sweet? It really is.
You know, sometimes I think we're too harsh on Alex.
He-he's not just a callous, arch-conservative Republican.
You know, sometimes, he can be a-a warm, loving son and brother.
Okay, now read this one with me, okay? BOTH: "I am not a crook.
" Hey! Hey! Hey! What? Whatever happened to books like, uh, The Little Engine that Could, or The Cat in the Hat, or The Grinch that Stole Christmas? This Come on, Dad, this is real reading! Besides, those other books they scare kids.
Give 'em nightmares.
I mean, what's scarier the Grinch, or, uh, or-or a little pop-up Richard Nixon? It's hard to say.
They look so much alike.
(doorbell rings) I'll get it.
Hi, Simon.
Hi.
Oh, my, my! Aren't you aren't you dapper? Yeah.
It's a rental.
Oh.
Ajax Rent-A-Tux.
Yeah.
How'd you know? Well, you've got the bill pinned to your back.
Yeah.
So-so, you you've also rented shoes, socks and glasses.
Oh, nothing's too good for your little girl, Mrs.
Keaton.
- Oh, hey, follow me.
- Yeah.
STEVEN: What? I want everyone to see my latest gift to my beloved Jennifer.
- Look up there.
- What? - What is it? It's a love message in skywriting.
"Happy birthday Juanita.
" - I got a deal.
- That's nice.
STEVEN: It's lovely.
It's muy bueno.
Muy bueno.
You know, Simon, I like your style.
You're really starting to grow on me.
And I'm really worried about it.
SIMON: Ah.
Jennifer's wearing a Jocometti original in an iridescent emerald green cloqué from the Rive Gauche Resort Collection, circa 1984, borrowed from Jane.
ALEX: Yeah Well, Simon, what do you think? There.
That's better.
ALEX: Whoa! Look out! I'll catch - Simon.
- Come on, buddy.
- Come on.
(slow dance music playing) Do you want to dance? No.
Why would I want to dance? I don't know.
I mean, it is called the sophomore dance, not the sophomore stand-around.
(upbeat pop music plays) - Oh, hi, Jen.
- Hi, Nancy.
Jen, this is Brad Hallahan, my date.
- Hi, Brad.
Nice to meet you.
- Hi.
This is Simon.
What's your last name? Wickerson.
Simon Wickerson.
Simon Wickerson? Don't I know you? Didn't I beat you up last week? I don't think so.
But I could pencil you in for next Wednesday, if you like.
Now, are you sure? I'd never forget a face like that.
I'm sorry to disappoint you.
It's all right.
If you're sure.
Yeah, well, see you later, Jen, Simon.
JENNIFER: Bye.
So, then, we're on for next Wednesday, right? (gasps) It's him! It's him! Who him? - Let's dance.
- But you just said (Simon grunts) Hey! Hey! Yeah! Hi! Hi.
Do I know you? I've seen you around.
Hey, who's your date? No one.
Uh, he must have stepped out for a minute.
- (Simon clears his throat) - I I'll introduce you when he comes back.
Jennifer.
This is your date? Hey, didn't I beat you up last week? Yeah, you did, as a matter of fact.
Yeah, yeah, I really enjoyed it.
Are you free on Wednesday? No, no, I'm all booked up on Wednesday.
Oh, but perhaps I could fit you in after the holidays.
He's not really my date.
I mean, I'm available, if you'd like to dance or something.
What makes you think I'd want to dance with you? Come on, Roger.
What are you doing hanging around these dorks? Dorks? Hey, wait a minute.
There's only one dork here.
That's me.
This is Jennifer Keaton.
She is once, twice, three times a lady.
Wait a minute didn't I beat you up last week? You did, as a matter of fact.
You know, you two could get the group rate if you wanted.
Come on, Roger, let's dance.
I don't get it, Jennifer.
Why did you say that? Why did you say I wasn't your date? Simon, I only came here with you so I could get into the sophomore dance.
(Jennifer sighs) You mean, you-you just used me for my s-sophomoreness? I thought you were different than all the others, Jennifer.
I thought you were smarter.
Well, you're not.
Boy, will you be sorry when I grow into my looks.
Okay, big fella, time to go to sleep.
I don't want to go to sleep.
Well, everybody in the White House is going to sleep.
Oh, no, they're not.
Oh, no? Listen to this.
(imitating Ronald Reagan): Well, Nancy I'm really sleepy after a long day of punishing naughty Democrats.
Good night, Nancy.
Good night, Admiral Poindexter.
Good night, Ollie.
And so ends another night of Toddler Republican Theater.
It's way past your bedtime, Andy.
- It's awfully late.
- Yeah.
I know.
I stayed awake longer than President Reagan.
Well, that's no great feat, uh, Andy.
Come on, Andy.
I'll take you upstairs and read you something normal.
I've got just the thing.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no you're not reading to him from the Bloomingdale's catalog again.
If anybody wants me, I'll be upstairs trying to piece together the shattered fragments of my tragic high school existence.
What happened? It was a complete disaster, Dad.
Simon found out that I only went with him to the sophomore dance to meet up with Roger.
And to top that off, Roger was horrible to me.
He was mean.
He was rude.
He treated me like Like, uh like you treated Simon.
I hate to say this when you're when you're already hurting, honey, but what you did wasn't right.
I-I I think you know that.
I don't know what happened.
Somehow, Simon's feelings didn't seem important.
It was almost like I didn't think he had feelings.
He really cares about you, honey.
I know.
I don't know how I didn't see that.
It was hard to miss.
The skywriting was a sure tip-off.
I feel so terrible.
I mean, even after I was mean to Simon, he stood up for me.
I don't think I can ever look him in the eye again.
Did you at least have a chance to apologize to him? I tried, but he ran off so fast, I couldn't catch him.
(knocking on door) Oh, well, honey, now is your chance.
If you want to talk later, we'll be upstairs, huh? ELYSE (quietly): Yeah.
Hi, Jen.
Hi, Simon.
Come on in.
I don't have long.
The tux has to be back by midnight.
It's only rented for three hours.
I looked all over for you.
Where'd you go? I went across to the freshman dance.
There was no one there.
So I danced with Miss Polniki, the school nutritionist.
Look, Simon, I'm really sorry what happened tonight.
I shouldn't have done what I did.
It was mean.
But believe me, I got a big dose of mean right back.
Could you ever forgive me? Yes.
Really? Yes.
I forgive you.
I see you for what you are.
Not what you were at the dance, but what you are right now.
Know why? Because I am highly evolved.
So, then, we can start over, right? I mean, just as friends.
It would be a lot cheaper.
See, I had a great time tonight.
I got to be seen at the dance with you.
It did a world of good for my prestige.
And it was a real honor for me.
Believe me, Simon, the honor was all mine.
You are one of the sweetest, nicest guys I'll ever go out with.
Hey, how'd you like an ankle bracelet? It's my Mom's, but I think I can get it off her leg.
She's a heavy sleeper.
MAN: Sit, Ubu, sit.
Good dog.
(Ubu barks)