Fresh Off The Boat (2015) s06e05 Episode Script
Hal-lou-ween
1 You got tension on me, Evan? I gotta go deeper.
Deeper?! Huang, you're a madman! I don't have a choice.
Your mom insists on putting all the Halloween decorations in the back.
Because she hates the holiday.
Yeah, that ends this year.
- Aah! - Aah! I dropped the rope, you're on your own! No, no, no, it's okay.
It's just your mom's novel "A Case of a Knife to the Brain.
" Scary.
Oh.
You mean the part where the butler lost all his skin? No, I mean how many unsold copies we still have.
[Exhales sharply.]
Pushing on.
[Laughs.]
Sandy.
The queen bee of my haunted house.
Which I realize is confusing because she's a spider.
Haunted house? That's your plan to get Mom on board with Halloween? I know it's a long shot, but I got a plan to make it all about her.
Huh.
She'd like that.
What's the only thing she loves more than sensible footwear? Instilling fear in people.
Which she can do in her very own haunted house.
Ah.
No.
No crazy house.
It's a haunted house.
Call it whatever you want, we're not having one here.
[Rope creaks.]
You told me to pull if you were in trouble.
So I'm pulling.
Fresh off the boat I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go If you don't know, homey, now you know Fresh off the boat Homey, you don't know where I come from But I know where I'm goin' I'm fresh off the boat Well, think about how fun it would be.
I mean, isn't this scary? What am I looking at? It's Sandy the spider.
It fused with my Cher wig in the attic heat.
[Chuckles.]
Even Halloween accidents are beautiful.
Stop using words that describe me to get me on board with your stupid holiday.
Well, I thought you'd love a haunted house.
Your heart is fueled by fear.
C'mon, pop out, scare the pants off the neighborhood kids.
No to strange kids walking through our house all night with their dirty feet.
It's bad enough your mother doesn't brush her tires.
I don't get it, Jessica.
Your book was a horror novel.
It scared tens of Hundreds of people.
Well, Louis, it's just not for me.
But, to prove that I am not a total Scrooge A real villain on a real holiday I bought you the treats to hand out to the costumed beggars! I knew it! Somewhere beneath that hard candy shell lies a soft, gooey [Dramatic note thuds.]
Raisins?! Raisins aren't candy! It says right on the box "nature's candy.
" But, Jessica, the neighborhood knows I'm a double-barrel candy man Twix, Reese's, Kit Kat.
That's a double double-barrel! A quad-barrel! Why is it when it comes to Halloween, you never listen to me? That's not true.
I listen to you.
So are we on the same page? Yes.
No spooky house.
Oh, come on! Hey, our house will be haunted soon enough when your mother Well, soon enough.
[Sighs.]
These are like scrapbook crack.
We've had some good times.
Yeah, but looking back, it seems like we've exhausted all the couples costumes.
Maybe this is the year we can finally do Frasier and Niles.
I don't want to get in a big fight over who gets to be Niles.
[Affected voice.]
The last time Maris and I got in a fight, we were roundly shushed by a particularly plucky sommelier.
[Affected voice.]
Talk about whining! [Door opens, closes.]
[Both laugh snobbishly.]
[Normal voice.]
Hey, Eddie, big Halloween plans? Eh, I'm too old to 'ween it up.
I'm just gonna skip it.
But you boys have fun.
No drugs, okay? [Normal voice.]
"Too old to 'ween it up"? You hear that bull? Yeah.
He's growing up too fast.
He's gonna miss this when he's gone off to college.
[Flamenco guitar plays.]
He did make a great Dusty Bottoms.
And soon, the Three Amigos will be two.
The Dos Amigos.
Que lastima.
That's it! That's the answer to our costume problem.
We bring back the trio.
Three opens up a world of possibilities.
The 3 Chipmunks.
The 3 Rice Krispie guys.
The 3 states of matter.
Solid, liquid - Eddie would be gas.
- Eddie would be gas.
We'll keep thinking.
Until then, we've got to get Eddie on board.
[Affected voice.]
Well, dear brother, it seems we've bested another conundrum.
Was that Frasier or Niles? Frasier.
But from "Cheers.
" Before he sold out.
Hmm.
[Rustling.]
What is our son's friend doing in our bedroom, Louis? Afternoon, Mrs.
H.
Love the color scheme in your bedroom Purple, the color of royalty.
[Bed squeaks.]
Don't sit there.
Or anywhere.
Trent's helping me pick out decorations.
I said no haunted house.
Now who's not listening about Halloween? We're not doing it here.
We're doing it at the restaurant.
Cattleman's.
We're calling it Cattleman's Haunted House.
It's going to be huge.
We need to work triple-time to get the restaurant decorated, so I'm gonna need you to take my place as a judge at the middle-school costume competition.
Did that ginger bite you and infect your brain? Oh, come on, you love judging.
I love a judge.
Judy.
'Cause she's just like me Petite, brash, can hold her pee for days.
Judy.
Hey, this wouldn't even be an issue if you let me have my thing here.
[Sighs.]
I guess an hour of telling kids their outfits stink is better than a full night of that nonsense in our own home.
Okay, I'll judge the dumb competition.
You guys gotta knock.
I got a lady now.
We had to knock more when you didn't have a lady.
Eddie, do you have any extra pillowcases just lying around? Nah, I stopped using them.
Too much work.
Uch, you're a beast.
We're gonna double bag this Halloween.
The weight from the candy tore through our sacks last year.
Continue.
You've been out of the game for too long.
People hand out full-size candy now.
You love candy.
I do.
Eh, I'll just eat the leftovers Dad doesn't hand out.
Y'know, trick-or-treat my own pad.
Yeah, about that.
Mommy actually got the candy this year.
She got raisins.
- Chocolate-covered raisins? - Nope.
Yogurt-covered raisins? Unh-unh.
White chocolate-covered raisins? Worse.
Golden raisins.
Mom got booger raisins? Still want to stay home and chill? No, I'm in.
But a pillowcase won't do.
I'm gonna air out Grandma's sleeping bag.
PRINCIPAL HUNTER: I love a couples costume.
Double the effort, double the score.
What mighty big scores you have! 95! Can I give out a negative number? A wolf should not have a human girlfriend.
It brings up too many icky questions.
2 points.
1 for each of you.
Next.
[Scoffs.]
[Scattered applause.]
Thank you for not using profanity this time, but can you maybe ease up on the criticism? You made SpongeBob cry through his makeup.
[Sniffles.]
Well, if he were a believable sponge, he'd be able to sop up his tears.
All right, I'm in a pickle here, because I want to ask if there's more of the costume under the trench coat, but if I say that, I'll be in trouble.
You're a mix of all the people I see on the bus.
I'm a detective from my favorite murder-mystery book.
100 out of 100! [Audience murmurs.]
You know who she is? She's Jennifer Hong from "A Case of a Knife to the Brain"! I am! Are you a fan of the book? Yes! Always nice to meet another Brain-head.
W I thought I was the only one! Oh there's more of us out there.
[Door opens.]
Yah! Aah! Louis, I'm in for Halloween! [Sighs.]
Why does it suddenly smell like your mother? [Can sprays.]
[Sniffs.]
Ohh! Nothing works! In for Halloween? What does that mean? Oh, wait, you're tricking me.
No tricks.
All treats.
A little girl dressed up in the competition as Jennifer Hong! From your book? [Scoffs.]
Come on.
What are the chances? Are you implying that nobody read it? No.
What I mean is, I find it hard to believe a little girl would dress up as a character from such a gritty novel.
Lotta sex in there.
They made me cut half of it out.
They say they want real, and then when you give it to them, they don't want it.
I don't know, Jessica.
Maybe the girl was dressed as something else.
Inspector Gadget, a flasher.
No, I will prove it to you.
The girl gave me the address to a Halloween party tonight.
They're all dressing as characters from my book! Multiple children are doing this? Apparently it's become some kind of a cult.
You mean a cult classic? Exactly.
Like "Heaven's Gate.
" Come with me, you can see for yourself.
I love that you're into Halloween now, but I have my haunted house at Cattleman's to work on.
I have to stop by the blood bank, get supplies.
If you don't want O-negative, it's actually pretty cheap.
Louis! My book is as important to me as Halloween is to you.
If you come with me, I'll tell everybody you got me on board with Halloween and not some little girl.
Hmm.
That does help.
But if I go with you to find your fans, you have to go with me to the restaurant afterwards.
- Deal.
- [Chuckles.]
Uh, just curious, but did you make any kids cry today? Oh, yeah.
Principal Hunter too.
But that's his own fault for putting his kid in the costume contest.
Mm.
I got Grandma's sleeping bag in the freezer.
Trying to blast the funk out with a blow-dryer was the wrong choice.
[Beatboxing.]
[Imitating record scratching.]
What the hell is going on here, guys? I wasn't kidding about the drugs.
I'm surprised you have to ask.
I'm renowned physician Dr.
Dre.
EMERY: And I'm Snoopy Dog.
You can be Iced Tea.
Did you say "Iced Tea"? It's Ice-T! We want to do a brothers costume.
Yeah, we wanna have a threesome.
O kay.
So, never say that.
But I would be down to do a costume with you two.
Well, if we aren't gonna go as the hard freestylers, who are we gonna be? It's Halloween.
All the stores are out of the good stuff.
Chill.
We'll think of it on the fly, yo! Chill.
We can think of something on the fly, yo! That was a pretty good me you did there.
Hey, what if we dressed up as each other? Yeah, that's actually not a bad idea.
Yeah "Not bad" is my sweet spot.
Grandma! How'd you get back in your sleeping bag? Now I gotta start over! [Humming.]
This is the address they gave you? I don't understand.
This makes perfect sense.
Sure, for a mugging.
She gave me the wrong address on purpose.
In Chapter 5 of the book, Jennifer Hong gets a lead from the lady robot to the location of the bazooka factory, only to find an empty lot.
Turns out, the factory was down the street.
Twist.
It's got to be one of these houses.
We just got to "walk the beat," "work the case," "follow the bazooka shells.
" Jessica, two adults can't go door-to-door asking if a little girl is home.
It's creepy, even for Halloween.
You're right.
Do you still have that stuff in the van for the haunted house? Yeah, you watched me pack the whole van by myself, heckling me to go faster.
Well, did you go faster? Yeah.
[Knock on door.]
Hi, I'm Mad Cow Disease.
And I am an evil Irish toddler.
Chucky from "Child's Play.
" Speaking of children playing, does a cute 12-year-old girl with an active imagination and a great taste in books live here? Uh what she means is Trick-or-treat! Real smooth, Jessica.
One down.
Hong's on the case! Slow down, I'm wearing 6-inch hooves! [Cowbell clanging.]
Wait, you're dressed as Evan? I thought I was going as the little man.
No, Eddie, you're supposed to be Emery and I'm supposed to be Evan! Why'd they give us all "E" names? Very confusing! Who the hell are you? I'm Evan.
Why are you both dressed as me? Because Emery messed up.
What's your excuse? I was dressing up as Eddie, but then I got worried Emery would feel left out, and I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings, so I put my own clothes back on.
Dude, nobody cares who you dress as.
Yeah, we wouldn't be upset.
Yeah, bro, it's all out of love.
Just go change, and we will too.
Hang on, hang on, hang on.
Let's not be too hasty here, fellas.
Not to strum my own viola here, but we all do look pretty cute dressed as me.
Hmm.
I did put a lot of thought and time into my bangs.
Not to mention it took me 30 minutes to stuff myself into these shorts.
I had to wear my thinnest underwear.
Look at us.
Three Evans, one Halloween? We have to promise not to run tonight, because these shorts are up there.
Jessica, we hit up almost every house in this neighborhood.
I'm starting to think this Brain-head girl doesn't exist.
Maybe we should just call it.
Oh, come on! Just a few more houses, please? We've got to be close.
I can feel it in my gut.
That's all the gum.
You're not supposed to swallow it.
Well, they shouldn't have made it taste so good.
All right, one more house and then Cattleman's.
Fine.
[Cowbell clanging.]
Trick-or-treat! Do you happen to have a sister who likes to read? Specifically, adult sci-fi noir? Oh, you mean my little sister, Henrietta? She and her nerd friends went to the graveyard to have some stupid book party.
The graveyard, of course! Really? So you do have a fan club.
Well, a cult.
Thank you for your help.
Take care of these wrappers for me? Another Halloween miracle! The graveyard is on the way to the restaurant.
We can go see your fans and still get to Cattleman's in time.
We're not going to the graveyard.
Wait, what? We're going to the school.
The school? No, she specifically said they're at the graveyard.
Yes, but in my book, the graveyard is the school.
That's where the killer buried all the bodies.
Did you not read the book till the end? Of course I did.
[Chuckles nervously.]
Um, but, again, I know Halloween, and no kid goes to a school today.
Kids go to graveyards.
I am the detective here.
Look, I never told anyone this, but Jennifer Hong is based [Whispering.]
on Jessica Huang.
Okay, fine.
Do whatever you want.
I'm going to my haunted house at Cattleman's.
[Cowbell clanging.]
[Normal voice.]
Well, instead of a Mad Cow, you should've been a baby, because that's what you're acting like! Here you go.
[Laughs.]
[Chuckles.]
Happy Halloween.
- How cute.
- So cute.
- Trick-or-treat! Trickortreat! - Trick-or-treat! - Hey! - [Squeals.]
If my instincts are correct, you're Buffy the Vampire Slayer and? And I'm Marvin the angel! No, it's just Angel.
I don't watch her programs.
So, guys, uh, who are you supposed to be? Why don't you guess? Why don't you guess? Why don't you guess? Oh, my God! Three Evans! [Laughter.]
Three Evans, that'd be Mommy's dream.
[Laughing.]
Yeah, I can see it now.
And I like it.
I'm Evan, and my waistline doubles as my nipple line.
[Both laugh.]
I organize my undies by the color of the rainbow! Oh, what light spectrum do you use to organize your unmentionables? I discovered sports because of Brandi Chastain.
[Laughter.]
Hey! And by "sports," I mean my anatomy! [Laughter.]
I was just trying to have some fun, until you mother-brothers decided to ruin it! Ooh.
That's a new walk.
I think the joke's over.
Yeah, I know.
[Owl hoots.]
[Suspenseful music plays.]
[Chandelier tinkling, creaking.]
Louis, you forgot the decorations in the van, so I brought them here before I went to the school! Hello? Louis? [Gasps.]
Red! Don't die on me, damn it! Aah! Mrs.
Huang? Ohh! Thank God you're not dead.
We would have had to disclose when we sell the place.
What the hell is going on? [Grunts.]
I can't tell you.
Louis swore me to secrecy.
We took a blood oath.
Well, I did.
Louis is squeamish.
Are you really gonna make me ask twice? All right, fine.
I scare easily, and Louis said I could hang out here, away from the Halloween madness, if I kept his secret.
That's not what I was asking.
I wanna know Why I was sleeping facedown? Fine! I have extreme back pain, and it's the only way I can get comfortable.
I don't care how you rest.
I want to know w How I first hurt my back? It was 1997, last day of autumn, Trish bet me I couldn't do a handstand.
Tell me what Louis did.
I'm sorry, I can't.
Well, here we are.
This was bound to happen.
His real wife and his work wife, caught in a conflict.
[Inhales deeply, sighs.]
It would be such a shame if all of these sugar packets fell on the floor.
The assistant manager would have to bend over and pick them all up.
Oh, you wouldn't.
Oops.
[Crack.]
Oh! My L5-S1! Okay, I'll tell you everything! Hey, Grandma.
Nice Cartman.
He notices when they kill Kenny.
Evan's inside.
He's upset.
I don't even understand why.
It was his idea for us to dress up as him.
We were just trying to have fun.
How would you like it if I dressed up like a goofy giant or Johnny Fragile Hands? - Hmm? - Goofy?! Fragile? Delicate, sure, but fragile?! You see? It doesn't feel great being mocked, does it? Come on, Emery.
Let's go make this up to him.
Here's your sleeping bag, G-Ma.
[As Cartman.]
No, Kenny! This is my pot pie! Where are my Cheesy Poofs?! Where are my Cheesy Poofs?! Screw you guys! I'm going home! [Children laugh in distance.]
JESSICA: [Gasps.]
You found us! Good sleuthing! It is so nice to see so many characters from "A Case of a Knife to the Brain" in one place! The one-armed sea captain the clumsy crane operator the anemic ski instructor Bazooka Phil.
In the original draft, all of these characters were prostitutes.
HENRIETTA: What? Wait, how do you know that? Because I am the original Brain-head.
I wrote it.
[Kids gasp, murmur.]
It's her! I can't believe the mind behind "A Case of a Knife to the Brain" is at our party! We're all huge fans of your book.
Ohh! I wish there were more of you.
Us too! Well, do you know what helps boost sales for a work of art? My idol, Stephen King, just got hit by a minivan this summer.
And while he was in critical condition, sales of his books skyrocketed.
What are you saying? There's a switchblade in my purse.
[Purse thuds.]
Take it out, aim for the fleshy part of my thigh.
Good luck finding it, but once you do, just All right, show's over, kids! [Chuckles nervously.]
She's kidding.
[Laughs.]
Thank you! Good night! I set up refreshments out back.
[Cowbell clanging.]
I knew it! How did you figure it out? Please, Louis, I'm a detective novelist.
Plus, Trent told me everything.
I need more confidants my own age.
Fine, I planned the whole thing.
I realized no matter how much I told you, you'd have to experience the magic of Halloween yourself, so I planted Henrietta at the costume contest.
Then you lured me into that wild goose chase, just to get me to go trick-or-treating in costume.
Well, you went through more gum than I expected, but I saw you having fun.
It was fun emptying those "Please take one" bowls.
Idiots.
Honor system? I'm a demon doll.
It only went wrong when you didn't listen about the graveyard.
After that curveball, I needed an excuse to get the kids from the graveyard to here.
Well, you finally got me to like Halloween.
I just wanted to spend my favorite holiday with my favorite person.
I give it a 76 out of 100.
A passing score.
I'll take it.
[Children laughing.]
Yo, what we did was mad messed up.
Sorry, let me get my bangs out of my face so I can tell you I'm sorry too.
We took it a little too far.
Yo, yo, yo, did I tell you I have a girlfriend and I like rap music? [Chuckles.]
[Chuckles.]
That was a pretty good Eddie.
We're sorry.
We didn't mean to hurt your feelings.
It's okay.
I overreacted.
I didn't mean to ruin our Halloween.
Ruined? It's not ruined.
See, the cool thing about being older is you can trick-or-treat way later.
But who are we gonna go as? Hola.
[Flamenco guitar plays.]
[Crickets chirping.]
All right! Some feminine insects! We're Powerpuff Girls.
Oh.
Well, great costumes, whatever they are.
[Chuckles.]
Thanks for handing out candy with me.
It's the least I could do after all you did for me tonight.
[Chuckles.]
Fun, right? It's not as dumb as it looks.
Raisins?! You ruined my childhood, bitches! Oh! What a holiday.
Oh! I just caught one in my mouth! Gross! I'll draw their fire.
You go get the big carrots, and then we'll smack 'em! [Dramatic music plays.]
[Music stops.]
Can't say I feel confident in this.
You? At least you're covered.
I'm showing a lot of skin here.
I can't breathe! I look like a mariachi Winnie the Pooh! Mine still fits! Glad I skipped breakfast.
Sorry, Evan, I don't think this is gonna work.
Just go grab the sheet from our beds and go as ghosts.
Fine, but not before one last salute for old times' sake.
[Spurs jingling.]
ALL: Hunh! The Three Amigos! Something ripped.
But I don't know where.
Close your eyes!
Deeper?! Huang, you're a madman! I don't have a choice.
Your mom insists on putting all the Halloween decorations in the back.
Because she hates the holiday.
Yeah, that ends this year.
- Aah! - Aah! I dropped the rope, you're on your own! No, no, no, it's okay.
It's just your mom's novel "A Case of a Knife to the Brain.
" Scary.
Oh.
You mean the part where the butler lost all his skin? No, I mean how many unsold copies we still have.
[Exhales sharply.]
Pushing on.
[Laughs.]
Sandy.
The queen bee of my haunted house.
Which I realize is confusing because she's a spider.
Haunted house? That's your plan to get Mom on board with Halloween? I know it's a long shot, but I got a plan to make it all about her.
Huh.
She'd like that.
What's the only thing she loves more than sensible footwear? Instilling fear in people.
Which she can do in her very own haunted house.
Ah.
No.
No crazy house.
It's a haunted house.
Call it whatever you want, we're not having one here.
[Rope creaks.]
You told me to pull if you were in trouble.
So I'm pulling.
Fresh off the boat I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go If you don't know, homey, now you know Fresh off the boat Homey, you don't know where I come from But I know where I'm goin' I'm fresh off the boat Well, think about how fun it would be.
I mean, isn't this scary? What am I looking at? It's Sandy the spider.
It fused with my Cher wig in the attic heat.
[Chuckles.]
Even Halloween accidents are beautiful.
Stop using words that describe me to get me on board with your stupid holiday.
Well, I thought you'd love a haunted house.
Your heart is fueled by fear.
C'mon, pop out, scare the pants off the neighborhood kids.
No to strange kids walking through our house all night with their dirty feet.
It's bad enough your mother doesn't brush her tires.
I don't get it, Jessica.
Your book was a horror novel.
It scared tens of Hundreds of people.
Well, Louis, it's just not for me.
But, to prove that I am not a total Scrooge A real villain on a real holiday I bought you the treats to hand out to the costumed beggars! I knew it! Somewhere beneath that hard candy shell lies a soft, gooey [Dramatic note thuds.]
Raisins?! Raisins aren't candy! It says right on the box "nature's candy.
" But, Jessica, the neighborhood knows I'm a double-barrel candy man Twix, Reese's, Kit Kat.
That's a double double-barrel! A quad-barrel! Why is it when it comes to Halloween, you never listen to me? That's not true.
I listen to you.
So are we on the same page? Yes.
No spooky house.
Oh, come on! Hey, our house will be haunted soon enough when your mother Well, soon enough.
[Sighs.]
These are like scrapbook crack.
We've had some good times.
Yeah, but looking back, it seems like we've exhausted all the couples costumes.
Maybe this is the year we can finally do Frasier and Niles.
I don't want to get in a big fight over who gets to be Niles.
[Affected voice.]
The last time Maris and I got in a fight, we were roundly shushed by a particularly plucky sommelier.
[Affected voice.]
Talk about whining! [Door opens, closes.]
[Both laugh snobbishly.]
[Normal voice.]
Hey, Eddie, big Halloween plans? Eh, I'm too old to 'ween it up.
I'm just gonna skip it.
But you boys have fun.
No drugs, okay? [Normal voice.]
"Too old to 'ween it up"? You hear that bull? Yeah.
He's growing up too fast.
He's gonna miss this when he's gone off to college.
[Flamenco guitar plays.]
He did make a great Dusty Bottoms.
And soon, the Three Amigos will be two.
The Dos Amigos.
Que lastima.
That's it! That's the answer to our costume problem.
We bring back the trio.
Three opens up a world of possibilities.
The 3 Chipmunks.
The 3 Rice Krispie guys.
The 3 states of matter.
Solid, liquid - Eddie would be gas.
- Eddie would be gas.
We'll keep thinking.
Until then, we've got to get Eddie on board.
[Affected voice.]
Well, dear brother, it seems we've bested another conundrum.
Was that Frasier or Niles? Frasier.
But from "Cheers.
" Before he sold out.
Hmm.
[Rustling.]
What is our son's friend doing in our bedroom, Louis? Afternoon, Mrs.
H.
Love the color scheme in your bedroom Purple, the color of royalty.
[Bed squeaks.]
Don't sit there.
Or anywhere.
Trent's helping me pick out decorations.
I said no haunted house.
Now who's not listening about Halloween? We're not doing it here.
We're doing it at the restaurant.
Cattleman's.
We're calling it Cattleman's Haunted House.
It's going to be huge.
We need to work triple-time to get the restaurant decorated, so I'm gonna need you to take my place as a judge at the middle-school costume competition.
Did that ginger bite you and infect your brain? Oh, come on, you love judging.
I love a judge.
Judy.
'Cause she's just like me Petite, brash, can hold her pee for days.
Judy.
Hey, this wouldn't even be an issue if you let me have my thing here.
[Sighs.]
I guess an hour of telling kids their outfits stink is better than a full night of that nonsense in our own home.
Okay, I'll judge the dumb competition.
You guys gotta knock.
I got a lady now.
We had to knock more when you didn't have a lady.
Eddie, do you have any extra pillowcases just lying around? Nah, I stopped using them.
Too much work.
Uch, you're a beast.
We're gonna double bag this Halloween.
The weight from the candy tore through our sacks last year.
Continue.
You've been out of the game for too long.
People hand out full-size candy now.
You love candy.
I do.
Eh, I'll just eat the leftovers Dad doesn't hand out.
Y'know, trick-or-treat my own pad.
Yeah, about that.
Mommy actually got the candy this year.
She got raisins.
- Chocolate-covered raisins? - Nope.
Yogurt-covered raisins? Unh-unh.
White chocolate-covered raisins? Worse.
Golden raisins.
Mom got booger raisins? Still want to stay home and chill? No, I'm in.
But a pillowcase won't do.
I'm gonna air out Grandma's sleeping bag.
PRINCIPAL HUNTER: I love a couples costume.
Double the effort, double the score.
What mighty big scores you have! 95! Can I give out a negative number? A wolf should not have a human girlfriend.
It brings up too many icky questions.
2 points.
1 for each of you.
Next.
[Scoffs.]
[Scattered applause.]
Thank you for not using profanity this time, but can you maybe ease up on the criticism? You made SpongeBob cry through his makeup.
[Sniffles.]
Well, if he were a believable sponge, he'd be able to sop up his tears.
All right, I'm in a pickle here, because I want to ask if there's more of the costume under the trench coat, but if I say that, I'll be in trouble.
You're a mix of all the people I see on the bus.
I'm a detective from my favorite murder-mystery book.
100 out of 100! [Audience murmurs.]
You know who she is? She's Jennifer Hong from "A Case of a Knife to the Brain"! I am! Are you a fan of the book? Yes! Always nice to meet another Brain-head.
W I thought I was the only one! Oh there's more of us out there.
[Door opens.]
Yah! Aah! Louis, I'm in for Halloween! [Sighs.]
Why does it suddenly smell like your mother? [Can sprays.]
[Sniffs.]
Ohh! Nothing works! In for Halloween? What does that mean? Oh, wait, you're tricking me.
No tricks.
All treats.
A little girl dressed up in the competition as Jennifer Hong! From your book? [Scoffs.]
Come on.
What are the chances? Are you implying that nobody read it? No.
What I mean is, I find it hard to believe a little girl would dress up as a character from such a gritty novel.
Lotta sex in there.
They made me cut half of it out.
They say they want real, and then when you give it to them, they don't want it.
I don't know, Jessica.
Maybe the girl was dressed as something else.
Inspector Gadget, a flasher.
No, I will prove it to you.
The girl gave me the address to a Halloween party tonight.
They're all dressing as characters from my book! Multiple children are doing this? Apparently it's become some kind of a cult.
You mean a cult classic? Exactly.
Like "Heaven's Gate.
" Come with me, you can see for yourself.
I love that you're into Halloween now, but I have my haunted house at Cattleman's to work on.
I have to stop by the blood bank, get supplies.
If you don't want O-negative, it's actually pretty cheap.
Louis! My book is as important to me as Halloween is to you.
If you come with me, I'll tell everybody you got me on board with Halloween and not some little girl.
Hmm.
That does help.
But if I go with you to find your fans, you have to go with me to the restaurant afterwards.
- Deal.
- [Chuckles.]
Uh, just curious, but did you make any kids cry today? Oh, yeah.
Principal Hunter too.
But that's his own fault for putting his kid in the costume contest.
Mm.
I got Grandma's sleeping bag in the freezer.
Trying to blast the funk out with a blow-dryer was the wrong choice.
[Beatboxing.]
[Imitating record scratching.]
What the hell is going on here, guys? I wasn't kidding about the drugs.
I'm surprised you have to ask.
I'm renowned physician Dr.
Dre.
EMERY: And I'm Snoopy Dog.
You can be Iced Tea.
Did you say "Iced Tea"? It's Ice-T! We want to do a brothers costume.
Yeah, we wanna have a threesome.
O kay.
So, never say that.
But I would be down to do a costume with you two.
Well, if we aren't gonna go as the hard freestylers, who are we gonna be? It's Halloween.
All the stores are out of the good stuff.
Chill.
We'll think of it on the fly, yo! Chill.
We can think of something on the fly, yo! That was a pretty good me you did there.
Hey, what if we dressed up as each other? Yeah, that's actually not a bad idea.
Yeah "Not bad" is my sweet spot.
Grandma! How'd you get back in your sleeping bag? Now I gotta start over! [Humming.]
This is the address they gave you? I don't understand.
This makes perfect sense.
Sure, for a mugging.
She gave me the wrong address on purpose.
In Chapter 5 of the book, Jennifer Hong gets a lead from the lady robot to the location of the bazooka factory, only to find an empty lot.
Turns out, the factory was down the street.
Twist.
It's got to be one of these houses.
We just got to "walk the beat," "work the case," "follow the bazooka shells.
" Jessica, two adults can't go door-to-door asking if a little girl is home.
It's creepy, even for Halloween.
You're right.
Do you still have that stuff in the van for the haunted house? Yeah, you watched me pack the whole van by myself, heckling me to go faster.
Well, did you go faster? Yeah.
[Knock on door.]
Hi, I'm Mad Cow Disease.
And I am an evil Irish toddler.
Chucky from "Child's Play.
" Speaking of children playing, does a cute 12-year-old girl with an active imagination and a great taste in books live here? Uh what she means is Trick-or-treat! Real smooth, Jessica.
One down.
Hong's on the case! Slow down, I'm wearing 6-inch hooves! [Cowbell clanging.]
Wait, you're dressed as Evan? I thought I was going as the little man.
No, Eddie, you're supposed to be Emery and I'm supposed to be Evan! Why'd they give us all "E" names? Very confusing! Who the hell are you? I'm Evan.
Why are you both dressed as me? Because Emery messed up.
What's your excuse? I was dressing up as Eddie, but then I got worried Emery would feel left out, and I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings, so I put my own clothes back on.
Dude, nobody cares who you dress as.
Yeah, we wouldn't be upset.
Yeah, bro, it's all out of love.
Just go change, and we will too.
Hang on, hang on, hang on.
Let's not be too hasty here, fellas.
Not to strum my own viola here, but we all do look pretty cute dressed as me.
Hmm.
I did put a lot of thought and time into my bangs.
Not to mention it took me 30 minutes to stuff myself into these shorts.
I had to wear my thinnest underwear.
Look at us.
Three Evans, one Halloween? We have to promise not to run tonight, because these shorts are up there.
Jessica, we hit up almost every house in this neighborhood.
I'm starting to think this Brain-head girl doesn't exist.
Maybe we should just call it.
Oh, come on! Just a few more houses, please? We've got to be close.
I can feel it in my gut.
That's all the gum.
You're not supposed to swallow it.
Well, they shouldn't have made it taste so good.
All right, one more house and then Cattleman's.
Fine.
[Cowbell clanging.]
Trick-or-treat! Do you happen to have a sister who likes to read? Specifically, adult sci-fi noir? Oh, you mean my little sister, Henrietta? She and her nerd friends went to the graveyard to have some stupid book party.
The graveyard, of course! Really? So you do have a fan club.
Well, a cult.
Thank you for your help.
Take care of these wrappers for me? Another Halloween miracle! The graveyard is on the way to the restaurant.
We can go see your fans and still get to Cattleman's in time.
We're not going to the graveyard.
Wait, what? We're going to the school.
The school? No, she specifically said they're at the graveyard.
Yes, but in my book, the graveyard is the school.
That's where the killer buried all the bodies.
Did you not read the book till the end? Of course I did.
[Chuckles nervously.]
Um, but, again, I know Halloween, and no kid goes to a school today.
Kids go to graveyards.
I am the detective here.
Look, I never told anyone this, but Jennifer Hong is based [Whispering.]
on Jessica Huang.
Okay, fine.
Do whatever you want.
I'm going to my haunted house at Cattleman's.
[Cowbell clanging.]
[Normal voice.]
Well, instead of a Mad Cow, you should've been a baby, because that's what you're acting like! Here you go.
[Laughs.]
[Chuckles.]
Happy Halloween.
- How cute.
- So cute.
- Trick-or-treat! Trickortreat! - Trick-or-treat! - Hey! - [Squeals.]
If my instincts are correct, you're Buffy the Vampire Slayer and? And I'm Marvin the angel! No, it's just Angel.
I don't watch her programs.
So, guys, uh, who are you supposed to be? Why don't you guess? Why don't you guess? Why don't you guess? Oh, my God! Three Evans! [Laughter.]
Three Evans, that'd be Mommy's dream.
[Laughing.]
Yeah, I can see it now.
And I like it.
I'm Evan, and my waistline doubles as my nipple line.
[Both laugh.]
I organize my undies by the color of the rainbow! Oh, what light spectrum do you use to organize your unmentionables? I discovered sports because of Brandi Chastain.
[Laughter.]
Hey! And by "sports," I mean my anatomy! [Laughter.]
I was just trying to have some fun, until you mother-brothers decided to ruin it! Ooh.
That's a new walk.
I think the joke's over.
Yeah, I know.
[Owl hoots.]
[Suspenseful music plays.]
[Chandelier tinkling, creaking.]
Louis, you forgot the decorations in the van, so I brought them here before I went to the school! Hello? Louis? [Gasps.]
Red! Don't die on me, damn it! Aah! Mrs.
Huang? Ohh! Thank God you're not dead.
We would have had to disclose when we sell the place.
What the hell is going on? [Grunts.]
I can't tell you.
Louis swore me to secrecy.
We took a blood oath.
Well, I did.
Louis is squeamish.
Are you really gonna make me ask twice? All right, fine.
I scare easily, and Louis said I could hang out here, away from the Halloween madness, if I kept his secret.
That's not what I was asking.
I wanna know Why I was sleeping facedown? Fine! I have extreme back pain, and it's the only way I can get comfortable.
I don't care how you rest.
I want to know w How I first hurt my back? It was 1997, last day of autumn, Trish bet me I couldn't do a handstand.
Tell me what Louis did.
I'm sorry, I can't.
Well, here we are.
This was bound to happen.
His real wife and his work wife, caught in a conflict.
[Inhales deeply, sighs.]
It would be such a shame if all of these sugar packets fell on the floor.
The assistant manager would have to bend over and pick them all up.
Oh, you wouldn't.
Oops.
[Crack.]
Oh! My L5-S1! Okay, I'll tell you everything! Hey, Grandma.
Nice Cartman.
He notices when they kill Kenny.
Evan's inside.
He's upset.
I don't even understand why.
It was his idea for us to dress up as him.
We were just trying to have fun.
How would you like it if I dressed up like a goofy giant or Johnny Fragile Hands? - Hmm? - Goofy?! Fragile? Delicate, sure, but fragile?! You see? It doesn't feel great being mocked, does it? Come on, Emery.
Let's go make this up to him.
Here's your sleeping bag, G-Ma.
[As Cartman.]
No, Kenny! This is my pot pie! Where are my Cheesy Poofs?! Where are my Cheesy Poofs?! Screw you guys! I'm going home! [Children laugh in distance.]
JESSICA: [Gasps.]
You found us! Good sleuthing! It is so nice to see so many characters from "A Case of a Knife to the Brain" in one place! The one-armed sea captain the clumsy crane operator the anemic ski instructor Bazooka Phil.
In the original draft, all of these characters were prostitutes.
HENRIETTA: What? Wait, how do you know that? Because I am the original Brain-head.
I wrote it.
[Kids gasp, murmur.]
It's her! I can't believe the mind behind "A Case of a Knife to the Brain" is at our party! We're all huge fans of your book.
Ohh! I wish there were more of you.
Us too! Well, do you know what helps boost sales for a work of art? My idol, Stephen King, just got hit by a minivan this summer.
And while he was in critical condition, sales of his books skyrocketed.
What are you saying? There's a switchblade in my purse.
[Purse thuds.]
Take it out, aim for the fleshy part of my thigh.
Good luck finding it, but once you do, just All right, show's over, kids! [Chuckles nervously.]
She's kidding.
[Laughs.]
Thank you! Good night! I set up refreshments out back.
[Cowbell clanging.]
I knew it! How did you figure it out? Please, Louis, I'm a detective novelist.
Plus, Trent told me everything.
I need more confidants my own age.
Fine, I planned the whole thing.
I realized no matter how much I told you, you'd have to experience the magic of Halloween yourself, so I planted Henrietta at the costume contest.
Then you lured me into that wild goose chase, just to get me to go trick-or-treating in costume.
Well, you went through more gum than I expected, but I saw you having fun.
It was fun emptying those "Please take one" bowls.
Idiots.
Honor system? I'm a demon doll.
It only went wrong when you didn't listen about the graveyard.
After that curveball, I needed an excuse to get the kids from the graveyard to here.
Well, you finally got me to like Halloween.
I just wanted to spend my favorite holiday with my favorite person.
I give it a 76 out of 100.
A passing score.
I'll take it.
[Children laughing.]
Yo, what we did was mad messed up.
Sorry, let me get my bangs out of my face so I can tell you I'm sorry too.
We took it a little too far.
Yo, yo, yo, did I tell you I have a girlfriend and I like rap music? [Chuckles.]
[Chuckles.]
That was a pretty good Eddie.
We're sorry.
We didn't mean to hurt your feelings.
It's okay.
I overreacted.
I didn't mean to ruin our Halloween.
Ruined? It's not ruined.
See, the cool thing about being older is you can trick-or-treat way later.
But who are we gonna go as? Hola.
[Flamenco guitar plays.]
[Crickets chirping.]
All right! Some feminine insects! We're Powerpuff Girls.
Oh.
Well, great costumes, whatever they are.
[Chuckles.]
Thanks for handing out candy with me.
It's the least I could do after all you did for me tonight.
[Chuckles.]
Fun, right? It's not as dumb as it looks.
Raisins?! You ruined my childhood, bitches! Oh! What a holiday.
Oh! I just caught one in my mouth! Gross! I'll draw their fire.
You go get the big carrots, and then we'll smack 'em! [Dramatic music plays.]
[Music stops.]
Can't say I feel confident in this.
You? At least you're covered.
I'm showing a lot of skin here.
I can't breathe! I look like a mariachi Winnie the Pooh! Mine still fits! Glad I skipped breakfast.
Sorry, Evan, I don't think this is gonna work.
Just go grab the sheet from our beds and go as ghosts.
Fine, but not before one last salute for old times' sake.
[Spurs jingling.]
ALL: Hunh! The Three Amigos! Something ripped.
But I don't know where.
Close your eyes!