Futurama s06e05 Episode Script

Silence, puny audience! And welcome to Who Dares To Be A Millionaire? Tremble before Morbo's mighty likability, as I chitchat with our first contestant, Philip J.
Fry.
Give him hell, Morbo! Prepare for pleasantries! So, Fry, what do you do for a living? Me? Can I phone a friend? Chitchat achieved! Are you ready to play? I didn't come to play, I came to win.
Now let's play.
For $1, what tool is used to hammer a nail? Is it, A, a hammer? B, a nail? - C - B, Nail! Final answer! Sweet dodo of Lesotho! Don't you ever stop to think before you speak? I never stop to think about it.
Leave Fry alone.
His intelligence is just a little differenty.
You a big dummy! Hey, I'm beginning to think you guys don't think I'm very smart.
You can barely remember your own name, Einstein.
Einstein is a hard name to remember.
Ow! Smeesh, Professor.
Don't have a shmaneurysm.
Fry's your distant relative.
Not distant enough.
I'll be a monkey's uncle if I'm this monkey's nephew.
But you're my only family.
Who will hug me if I achieve something? Oh, perhaps I've been too harsh.
Come, lad, take my hand and I'll explain why I find you so repugnant.
All my life, I've been inspired by great minds.
Euclid, Copernicus, Braino.
And my personal role model, Leonardo da Vinci.
What turned them to stone? Da Vinci was history's greatest artist and inventor.
Voila! He invented flying machines, war engines, submarines.
Uh-oh.
Nibbler died in the wall.
That's not Nibbler.
That's my most precious possession.
Leonardo's beard! I paid a fortune for it at an auction of historic body parts.
I suppose if I have an Achilles' heel, it's because I bought it at that same auction.
Indeed so.
Most indeededly.
Careful with that, you fool! No! No! But possibly yes.
What is it, Professor? Oh, my! It's da Vinci's fabled lost invention.
Even the scholars who wrote of this device had no idea what it was for.
And now, at last, neither do I! Maybe we can figure it out.
We? Well, I may not have brain smarts, but at least I have street smarts.
I was in the hospital two weeks.
No one visited me.
Quiet, you! I'm trying to deduce the function of da Vinci's lost invention.
Not even a card.
He might have hidden a clue in one of his other works.
Ergo, I sent Bender out for a copy of The Last Supper.
I'm back! Everybody at Kinko's was an idiot, so I just brought the original.
Jesus Christ, and his 12 Apostles.
That's odd.
This hand here doesn't belong to anybody.
And it's pointing a knife at James the Lesser! That's the great thing about that hand.
And what about these funky table legs? It's like they're from some other, funkier painting.
Maybe da Vinci painted over something else.
It's called a pentimento.
That's true, Dr.
Zoidberg.
How did you know that? My doctorate is in art history.
Let's see what's under The Last Supper.
Wait a second! I'm not big-boned, I'm just fat.
My God! Look! My God! I'm looking! My God! Saint James was a robot! My God! Da Vinci left his legs unpainted as a clue.
My God! This is the greatest mystery of all time.
We must fly to Rome and exhume the body of Saint James.
- Didn't we used to be a delivery company? - To the ship.
Psst.
Leela, wanna join the mile-deep club? Sure, why not? No time! I've found a clue that could unlock all the secrets of history.
Look at these Roman numerals.
Roman numerals? I've got it! We're in Rome! Don't be stupid.
It's a long-Iost mathematical code.
I'll need to consult these ancient writings.
Some preposterous hogwash about the Fibonacci sequence Aha! The markings indicate how many paces we need to take.
One Okay, we're there.
Brothers and sisters, let us pry.
It's true! Saint James really was a robot.
I bet he's up in robot heaven right now.
So he won't miss his eyes.
My God! Robot Saint James is a zombie.
Nay, I am not Saint James.
Enough of your lies, Saint James.
We saw you in The Last Supper.
The great man Leonardo built me as an artist's model.
When I took repose in this coffin, I carefully tossed the real Saint James in yonder heap.
I'm sure you have many questions.
Come, there is a chamber where I used to speak with Pope John the Patient.
I told him I'd be back in five minutes.
Well, he'll make a nice heap.
I am Animatronio, guardian of da Vinci's great secret.
He left my legs visible in the painting as a clue, then dispatched me hither to await his shadow society of intellectuals.
Hi, Animatronio.
You personally knew da Vinci? Was he nice? How did his hair smell? And on a personal note, what is the function of this device? Halt! You know not the function of the machina magnifica? Then thou art not members of the shadow society! The what now? Not one more word shall I breathe.
Not even about the great fountain where thou mayest find the Wait Thou didst not know about the fountain, didst thou? Curses! I must be punished.
Quick, we must find out what he knows before he flays himself to death! - Where is the great fountain? - What makes it so great? Why does a robot need a codpiece? Fie, thou fen-suckled bum-bailey! Thou willst never pry information from these mechanical lips! Just tell us, already.
Okay, the fountain thou seekest is And so dies our hope of solving this mystery.
Come on, gang.
Let's go home.
Wait! Let's not give up so easily.
Animatronio mentioned a fountain.
That's a statue of Neptune, god of water.
The number of points on his trident is three, or trey.
The "U" in his name is written like "V.
" Trey, "V.
" Trevi! It's the Trevi fountain! - There can be no question! - But, Professor There can be no question! Wow, it hasn't changed in 1,000 years.
Okay, everyone, into the fountain.
What are you, senile? I'm not jumping in there.
Hey, look.
Coins.
I got 48 cents.
There's one more nickel, and it's a big one! Quickly, into the sewer hole.
Why? What's this dump? My God! It's the Pantheon! This place is 3,000 years old.
What could possibly be left to discover? Maybe something about ourselves, Leela.
Wait! What's under that blanket? My God! Da Vinci's Vitruvian Man! It's truly a masterpiece.
Note how the perspective lines draw the eye right to his dong.
Say, what's this? Anyone hear something? It's a coin slot.
Bender, insert that giant nickel.
Sure.
Hush, Bender! What's your game, Vitruvian Man? - Whoa! - Whoa! I withdraw the question, Vitruvian Man.
Da Vinci's lost workshop! At the risk of sounding stupid, do these things actually work? Of course not, stupid! I mean, that flying machine's as aerodynamic as a sofa! How could it possibly get off the ground? In a way thou shalt never discover! Hi, Animatronio.
I feign death and stalk thee, that I might preserve the greatest of Leonardo's secrets! All right, buddy, we want secrets! And they'd better be ancient! Never shall I reveal how these wondrous machines fit together! They fit together? I said no such thing.
And then I died! You're right, Professor.
This thing doesn't fly.
Don't sit in there, you idiot! That's dangerous! No wonder this contraption isn't aerodynamic! It's not an aircraft, it's a spacecraft! As I live, thou shan't discover the great secret! Bye, Animatronio! My God! Why would Leonardo's machine have brought us here? I don't know.
Let's ask this guy.
I am Leonardo.
Welcome to Planet Vinci.
My God! That's what I was gonna say! Leonardo! You're alive? Here? You've learned my great secret.
I was but a visitor to Earth.
In truth, I am what you call a space alien.
Oh! It's an honor to meet you, Leonardo.
And may I say, you were great in Titanic.
The Beach That's Leonardo DiCaprio, you blockhead! Looks like eating rocks wasn't as dumb as you said.
So what do people do for fun here? Do you enjoy partying all night, with plenty of ale and lusty women? - I sure do! - Not us.
We spend our leisure time in the mathematics museum.
Planet Vinci is basically a single colossal university.
How's your football team? Learned.
Ooh! I'm going to check out that math lecture.
All this knowledge is giving me a raging brainer.
Would you like to hear the lecture, too, Fry? No.
It would just go in one ear and out some other hole.
Come.
Sit down.
Now, that I can do.
I have a terrible secret to confess, Mr.
DiCaprio.
I'm not very smart.
I appreciate your candor.
I don't even know what language you're speaking.
I, too, have a confession.
You see, here on Planet Vinci, I am the stupidest person.
What? Who'd possibly think you're stupid? Duh! I'm Leonardo! I don't know the mass of the Higgs boson.
Duh! I have to draw in pencil, 'cause I don't know how to use rendering software.
Stupid Biff! Thinks he's so smart.
He looks stronger than you, too.
I went to Earth because I could no longer stand the ridicule.
But being surrounded by even stupider people was equally infuriating.
I can see myself in your shiny button.
Inventing is what makes me happy.
Or did, until I misplaced the plans for my masterpiece.
You mean these? The machina magnifica? Infinite joy! Fry, my friend, you have given my life meaning again! That calculus lecture was harder than I expected.
We had to answer every question in the form of an opera.
I have a lot of homework for tomorrow, if I don't want to be embarrassed.
Thank you.
Thank you.
And if you like that, you'll love our main event.
Ladies and gentlemen, Leonardo DiCaprio! I mean, da Vinci! For centuries, you've ridiculed me.
Especially you, Biff.
Nice hat! But, at long last, this invention will show you.
It will show you all! Behold, my unstoppable doomsday machine! And I helped! Wait.
You told me it was an unstoppable ice cream machine.
Ice cream is just a by-product of the machine! Its primary purpose is to exterminate everyone who ever made me feel inferior! Ooh! I'm so scared! Bring it on, dum-dum! Oh, yeah? Let's see how hard you're laughing when my doomsday machine chops off your face! Leonardo, stop! I want in on this! Are you crazy, Professor? I hate these nerds! Just 'cause I'm stupider than them, they think they're smarter than me.
Kill them all, starting with the math teacher! I knew this final invention would be a humdinger.
Yes.
We three idiots will finally have our revenge! I don't think so.
You two make me ashamed to call myself an idiot.
There's always going to be someone smarter than you, so the only way to be happy is to make the most of what you've got.
- But you've got nothing.
- Oh, no? I've got one single nail, and another nail to nail it in with.
And I'm gonna stop this infernal ice cream machine once and for all! Some doomsday machine! It barely killed anyone! Oh, yeah? Well, take this! Oh, my.
Poor Leonardo da Vinci.
He sure was stupid.
Fry, I admire what you did today, and I'm deeply sorry for insulting your intellect.
Your tiny, tiny intellect.
Oops.
There I go again, you dope.
- I mean, dummy.
- It's okay.
I may not be clever, but I have a good heart.
- That's what my mom used to say.
- She was a wise woman.
- Also, that I'm not much to look at.
- A wise woman, indeed.