Hercules: The Legendary Journeys s06e05 Episode Script

- It's nice of you to drop in, Autolycus.
You're a funny man, Hercules! So funny, in fact, I think I busted a gut.
- Why are you following me? - Practice, my good man.
If I can sneak up on you, I can sneak up on anyone.
Huh.
Well, you might want to oil your hook.
It makes a noise when you open it.
Oh.
Thanks for the tip.
Mm-hmm.
So.
Where are we headed? We? No.
"We" aren't going anywhere.
"I" am going to Thracia.
Ah, you're gonna help 'em with that bank thing, aren't ya? - What do you know about it? - Only that it's the best idea since theKama Sutra.
Imagine, a whole town putting all its money in one place.
One-stop shopping for a wonderment such as, uh, myself.
And that's exactly why I'm gonna help them secure their bank.
- Bye, Autolycus.
- Now I see how you are, Hercules.
I offer to spend some quality time with my good friend, and, no, you leave me on the side of the road like an old sofa.
Well, okay, that's fine.
I'll just have to think of something to do.
After all, I am the King of Thieves.
I hate it when he does this.
All right.
You can come along.
Hey! But you have to promise me you won't rob the bank.
I promise.
- Uh-huh.
- What? Wha- What are you doing? I'm just making sure you aren't crossing anything.
Hercules, I'm a thief, not a liar.
I have my standards.
Mm.
All right.
"I promise not to rob the bank.
" Okay? Okay.
Hey.
Tough thing about Salmoneus, huh? Yeah.
That massage parlor bust was a real drag.
What did you do then? I told him to give me my dinars back, or I'd curse him to Hades.
Really? Excuse me.
Do you know where I could find the sheriff? In there.
Bye now.
Thanks.
All right.
I only promised not to rob the bank.
Hey! Autolycus! Not bad, huh? Well, a family establishment, eh? Ooh! Say, Toots, how about a Horizontal Mambo on the rocks? Gee, mister.
I never heard of that one before.
What's in it? Me and you and not a whole lot else.
You'll have to, uh, pardon my friend.
He's in a lot ofpain.
"Horizontal Mambo.
" Behave yourself.
I'm gonna go say hi to the sheriff.
Sheriff! Good to see ya.
Yeah, hi, son.
Not now.
Show's about to start.
Welcome, gentlemen! Yeah, well, we don't want to miss the show.
And now, the moment you've all been waiting for: We're proud to present our star attraction! The cherry in your cola, the wood in your pecker, Miss Luscious Deluxe! ? Think you're likin' what you see? ? Hey, fella, take a tip from me? ? I don't really mean to flaunt? ? But I get what I want? You know that lady? That's no lady.
That's my wife.
This is the story of a time long ago, a time of myth and legend, when the ancient gods were petty and cruel, and they plagued mankind with suffering.
Only one man dared to challenge their power- Hercules.
Hercules possessed a strength the world had never seen, a strength surpassed only by the power of his heart.
He journeyed the earth, battling the minions of his wicked stepmother, Hera, the all-powerful queen of the gods.
But wherever there was evil, wherever an innocent would suffer, there would be Hercules.
Hail! ? I'm not the poster girl for tact? ? I'll take the tunic off your back? ? You're a deer caught in my headlights? ? As far as I'm concerned 'Cause, honey? ? I get what I want? ? Don't ask me to make it When it's so easy to take it? ? Forget my sweet demeanor? ? I'll take ya to the cleaner? ? Pay close attention while I bump and grind it? ? I'll put your money where you'll never find it? She's your wife? My ex-wife.
We were a couple of crooked kids, crazy in love.
Life with Luscious was full of booty.
We stole a lot of stuff too.
So how'd you screw it up? Our passion was just too great to be contained.
It blew us apart, I tell you! Well, that and I let her rot in prison for a crime I committed.
Well, it's good to see chivalry is not dead.
Who's that? A friend of yours? ? I like the things that don't come free? ? I'd bite that apple right off of your tree? ? That's why I get what I want? - ? Oh, please don't join us? - ? Sugar, I get what I want? ? She likes to flaunt it? ? Baby, I get what I want? It's not what you think.
There was this job, this priceless marble bust of Cleopatra.
I hear they're doing her head next.
Anyway, on my way out I dropped the garter belt that I was wearing.
Can we keep the details on a strictly "need to know" basis? Oh, this is important.
See, Luscious and I, we used to swap an article of clothing for good luck.
It's a long story.
Anyway, the garter belt was hers, and it was this stupid, monogrammed lingerie, and the next thing I knew, the local stooges are hauling the old ball-and-chain off to the big house.
And you didn't confess, to get your wife out of jail? Well, that was our agreement.
If one of us got caught, the other one wouldn't tattle.
Still, she divorced me the day she was sentenced.
Ah, the nerve of some people.
Tell me about it.
Well, still, we all make mistakes, right? And judging from the eye she's giving me, I'd say my little honey jugs is ready to kiss- hoo, hoo- and make up.
Lay one on me, baby.
- That's for leavin' me in prison, you miserable wart on the ass of an ass.
You, on the other hand, need to tell me where you've been all my life.
Just tryin' to keep your ex-husband out of trouble.
If there's one thing he doesn't need help with, it's that.
The name's Luscious, but don't take my word for it.
Why don't you stop by my boudoir later, and I'll prove it to you? Twice.
Hmm.
So, uh, that's how you two kiss and make up, huh? Sorry I couldn't talk to you in there, but, uh, I never miss one of Luscious's shows.
Well, she does pack quite a punch.
Uh, I'm tickled to death that you came down here to help finish the bank, but was it my imagination, or was that the King of Thieves I saw you come into town with? You see, he's a- He's a friend.
A- And he gave me his word he wouldn't cause any trouble.
Well, if his word's good enough for Hercules, it's good enough for me.
Now, there's the bank, and I'll see you at midday.
All right, Sheriff.
Oh! Sorry.
This thing gets away from me sometimes.
Yeah, well.
No harm done.
I couldn't help overhearing.
You're Hercules, aren't you? Eh, something tells me I should say no.
I knew it! This is definitely a sign! I got my palm read this morning, and the fortune teller told me I was in store for acareerchange! Well, congratulations, and best of luck finding a new job.
Well, I won't need it! The job found me! I'm your new sidekick! No, I don't think so.
Oh, come on! You need a new number two guy.
I've got number two written all over me.
A - As tempting as that sounds, the position's already filled.
Oh, don't worry.
I wouldn't expect you to hire me without first seeing what I can do.
Uh-huh.
Did I mention it doesn't pay very well? I don't need any money! By the end of the day, I'm gonna prove I've got what it takes to be your sidekick.
Okay.
Oh, come on, guys.
Let's do it again, until we get it right.
And walk, two- Left! Left, left, left! My left or your left? My left.
Always my left.
All right.
Kuff.
Linc.
Shoo! Nice hoof-work, butts.
My left, her left! Whatever.
If you've come back for more abuse, I would be happy to oblige.
Now you're starting to sound like an ex-wife.
I don't mean to be rude, but why don't you go die? Uh, one day, perhaps.
But for now, I just want to say I'm sorry.
And what do you have to be sorry for? We had a deal, right? If one of us got caught, we agreed to keep our mouth shut.
Yes, but as your husband, I had a bigger promise to keep.
I let you down, kitten.
Ancient history.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go fix my face.
If I don't knock 'em dead out there, the management's threatening to replace me with a nude mime.
Show business.
What a killer.
Say, cookie-puss.
Here's a thrill.
Why don't you buy the club out from under 'em? That way they can never tell ya it's curtains, because the stage will all be yours.
With what money? I'm still waiting on your alimony payments.
Oh- them.
Yes, those.
Uh- I swear the check's in the mail.
Mm.
But in the meantime, until they get here, give me one more chance to make it up to ya! Hmph! I'll even work if I have to.
Aw, come on, Luscious.
I'm on my knees beggin' ya.
I'd forgotten what a hopeless romantic you can be.
You didn't use to call me "Otto Erotic" for nothin'.
Ohh! Ooh! And with that, I now declare the First National Bank of Greece open for business! Ahh! Well, you still have your jaw.
That's a good sign.
No.
More than that, it's a miracle! She bought my entire spiel! I mean, she accepted my apology.
Really? I guess some people never learn.
Au contraire, longhair.
Today I learned a lesson I'd forgotten a long time ago.
True love never dies.
It just hibernates, laying dormant like a - like a cold sore waiting to fester.
A romantic.
'Scuse me, but aren't you a friend of Hercules? Young man, I'll have you know that my fame is almost as widespread as his.
Really? What have you done? Ever seen the statue of the Venus de Milo? The one with no arms? Mm-hmm.
You did that? No, but I stole the arms, and that's what made it a classic.
I guess you could say I work in negative space.
Wow! Then you're a real pro! You bet.
I need your advice.
See, I want to impress Hercules.
But I just don't know how to go about doing it.
Well, young man, you've come to the right place.
With Hercules, first thing you gotta do is tell him that he looks old and fat.
He loves that.
Yeah, it's a little inside joke.
Really! And you want to be on the inside, don't you? Oh, sure.
Yeah, who wouldn't? Next thing I'd do is, I'd call him by his stage name.
"Captain Froufrou.
" Stage name? Mm-hmm.
It's a little ditty he picked up during his brief stint in show business.
See, he used to ride the manatees at the Athens Aquarium Ski Spectacular.
Wow! What a guy! Oh, you bet.
Oh, kid.
One final tip.
There's nothing Hercules appreciates more than someone who can get the drop on him.
So if you can manage somehow to put a boot print in his ass, you're golden! Thanks a lot, mister.
Oh, kid.
Kick him really hard.
Ain't I a stinker! Sheriff, what happened? Somebody made a withdrawal without having an account.
The bank's been robbed! And your friend is the main suspect.
Autolycus.
The bank gets robbed the day the King of Thieves shows up.
And, we find his grappling hook at the scene of the crime.
Now, technically, we call that an open-and-shut case.
Autolycus may not be a saint, but he has never broken his word.
I respect your loyalty to your friend, but I got a town to take care of, which leaves me no choice.
I gotta send a posse after him.
I understand.
And if I have to bring him in myself, I will, but there's something I have to do first.
You do what you gotta do.
"Entrez-nous"! Oh, hi.
Did I come at a bad time? When you're with me, sugar, it's never a bad time to come.
Take a load out.
I mean "off.
" Um, have-have you seen Autolycus? Not since last night.
Well, I thought you should know there's a - there's a warrant out for his arrest.
Oh, no! Old Nimble Fingers left his hook behind, did he? - How'd you know it was his hook? - Lucky guess.
Besides, he's always leavin' something behind.
You don't seem too broken up about it.
I stopped letting Autolycus disappoint me a long time ago, Hercules.
Maybe you should try doing the same.
I thought you'd forgiven him.
What's the point in holding a grudge? These hands have more valuable things to hold.
Yeah.
Sure you can't stay a while? Um- No.
But, you know, thanks.
I've- I've got a thief to catch.
- Mm.
- And, uh, I, uh- I have to find Autolycus too- - Bye.
- Bye-bye.
His loss.
Hello! Oh, yeah.
That hurt.
You all right? Yep.
Everything looks A-okay from here.
You, uh, need any help getting up? Nah.
I think I'll just stay here.
- Keep an eye on things.
- You haven't by any chance seen my friend, have you? That guy Autolycus? Yeah.
- Man, it's a small world! - So you've seen him? - How did you know that? - Klunter, focus.
Saw him a little while ago.
- On the other side of town.
- Thanks.
Oh, by the way, you're looking old and fat, Captain Froufrou.
I don't wanna know.
Barkeep, give me a glass of your finest cheap stuff.
And don't be stingy.
This is a celebration.
What's the occasion? New beginnings, my good man.
Until my old lady let me off the hook for what a heel I'd been, I had no idea how guilty I'd felt all these years.
Hmph! To ex-wives everywhere.
May they forgive us all! Hear, hear! Has anyone seen this man? - Talk about toast.
- You're under arrest for the robbery of the town bank.
Well, I guess the drinks are on me! Grab him! - After him! - Come on! Whoa-ho-ho! Let's split up! He went thataway! He's gotta be over here! You look down that way! Now I know why those guys yodel.
Well, this is no time to stand here with my schnitzel flapping in the breeze.
? Yodelay-ee-who? Stop! - Thief! - Huh? Thief? Oh, lederhosen, don't fail me now! Whoa-ho-ho! You're not so tough now, are ya? Come on! - Hey, come on! We can lift this! - Whoa-ho-ho! Whoop! Hey! Hoo-hoo! Oh, gee! Ha! - Oh, fig- - You looking for this? Oh, Hercules.
Thank the gods.
Care to fill me in on the joke? Sorry, Autolycus, but I'm not laughing.
I have to bring you in, for your own good.
Well.
All right.
A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.
Duck, it's Hera! Would you believe Zeus? A flying Hydra with the runs? There he is! Grab him! Whoa, whoa, whoa! There'll be no lynching here today.
But he stole our money! That's for a jury to decide.
I'm afraid the verdict is already in, Hercules.
I'm guilty.
You gave me your word you wouldn't rob the bank.
I don't know who's dumber, Hercules - me for getting caught, or you for taking the word of a thief.
I know what you're doing.
And it's not going to work.
If you mean rotting here in the hoosegow, it seems to be working just fine.
You're protecting her.
Luscious robbed the bank, and now you're taking the fall for her.
Take a look at my business card, Hercules.
What does it say? "For a good time-" Wrong one.
There.
See? It says the "King of Thieves.
" What does that tell ya? It tells me, you're too good at what you do to make me believe that youaccidentallyleft your grappling hook behind.
Oh, yeah? Maybe I did it on purpose, huh? Subconsciously.
To keep myself from being a bad influence on the kids! See, Hercules? You finally rubbed off on me.
Well, old friend.
Good-bye.
Why don't we just make that, "See you later"? Paying your last respects, are you? Last respects? Yeah.
Your friend.
Since when has robbery become punishable by death? Since he robbed this town of everything it's got.
Without money, we can't grow crops.
Without crops, we can't eat.
What if I were to get your money back for you? It wouldn't change what happened, but your people would be back on their feet again.
All right, Hercules.
You find that money by sundown, and I'll consider your proposition.
Good.
You don't, and that friend of yours will never need another hat.
Klunter? Wow.
You're good.
I try.
What do you think? "Master of disguise.
" Can your sidekick do this? Not that I've ever noticed, no.
Man! He must be better than I thought.
Here! Try my milk.
You know, why don't I not? Besides, I-I should be going.
I don't want to interrupt your date.
- Mydate? - That is one horny bull.
Hope you didn't come totalkagain.
I just can't stand all this teasing.
Actually, I came to say good-bye.
- Good-bye? - Yeah.
Autolycus is gonna be executed at sundown, and I can't stick around to watch that happen.
Executed? I - I thought he was just going to the slammer.
Yeah, well, so did I.
Until the sheriff told me otherwise.
You know, what's really sad is that Autolycus didn't even get all the money.
What do you mean? Well, you see, there's this false wall.
At the back of the vault.
And behind it is where they hide all the real valuables.
Therealvaluables? Oh, you know.
The priceless kind.
Rubies, family heirlooms - Diamonds? Yeah, I think so.
Anyway, I guess it's true, what they say: a life of crime just doesn't pay.
Yeah, well.
It was nice meeting you.
Toodles.
Diamonds! - Hello, again.
Will you let me have a look? "Doctor, is it - " "What seems to be the trouble?" Hmm.
"You sound a little congested.
" "We'll clear that cash right out of there.
" "Don't worry about a thing.
You're safe with me!" You are so busted.
You're not the first to notice.
What? Coming! Well, that's my ride.
Catch you on the flip-flop! No, the only place you're going is jail.
Thanks, but I've already been there.
For a crime I didn't commit.
So the way I see it, I've got a freebie coming.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but this is the second time you've been here.
True.
But I didn't steal anything this time.
So why don't you just make it easy on yourself, and forget you ever saw me? It's never easy.
- I know kung fu karate, and three or four other Eastern words.
- You don't wanna mess with me.
- We all have to do things we don't wanna do.
- That's not bad.
- "L" for Luscious.
You know what? You're pretty good.
Three years with the Flying Piazzu Brothers Circus.
No kidding! You know, I caught your show in Corinth.
Hey, was that Lizard Lady for real? - Iguana with a wig.
- Thought so.
- Hmm? - Go ahead.
Do it.
I'd do it to you.
No, you wouldn't.
You're basically a good person, just like Autolycus.
Which is why you won't be able to live with yourself if he dies today.
Maybe.
But I'm doubly sure I won't be able to live with myself if I die in his place.
You won't have to.
The sheriff's agreed to drop the charges if the money is returned by sundown.
You'd do that for me? You'd let me return the money without turning me in? Like you said, you did your time.
Return the money, and there's no harm done.
Besides, you were married to Autolycus.
And that was punishment enough.
That's all she wrote, Mr.
King of Thieves.
What's the rush, Dudley Do-Right? I haven't even touched my dessert! You'll get your dessert, all right.
Your just dessert.
- Nothin' like a funny executioner.
There's the thief! Ah, my adoring fans have come to rescue me.
I'll take fries with that.
He won't get away with this! Well, that's "noose" to me.
The loot's right through here.
Uh-oh.
Let's just forget about Autolycus and live in the now.
Shall we? You don't want to do this, Luscious.
All right.
Enough of the gentleman routine.
You can't just walk around looking like you and play hard to get.
It's false advertising.
Like I said, you don't wanna- do this.
Say it again.
I dare ya.
You don't wanna do this.
And why not? Well, because you're just trying to get back at Autolycus.
What are you talking about? I already said I'd help him, didn't I? Well, that's why you're doing this now, isn't it? Knowing I'm his friend, to find some other way to punish him, huh? Rats! Oh, boy! I know how mad you are.
I mean, I would be too! But he's willing to die to show you he's sorry.
I- I think it's time to forgive him.
Huh? At least tell me it was hard to say no to me.
Believe me, I've done things that were a lot easier.
So.
You coming? I mean let's go.
Stretch his neck! - Where is my money? - Stretch his pretty little neck! Back! Give us some room.
Please.
Come on! Out of the way! Unhand me, you swine! If I'm to face death, I'll do so bravely.
Do you have any last words? Why, yes, my good man.
Thanks for asking.
I just happen to have a few last words.
- No, no.
We've heard enough.
- And, in no particular order, they are: Aardvark.
Abode.
Abnormal.
Abominable.
Absolute! Abyssinia.
Now, you're sure this is everything? Don't you trust me? Oh, all right! Rats! - Happy now? - Yes.
Thank you.
Hey! That's our heist money.
Let me guess.
You, uh, stole it fair and square.
That's right! And Luscious is stealin' it back.
She switched teams.
Saddle up, boys! - Where did all these guys come from? Did I forget to mention that I have a gang that might not take too kindly - to what we're doing? It's always something.
All right.
I don't want any trouble.
Here's your money.
All right.
Showtime.
Uh, Nimrod! Nincompoop! Nemesis.
Necrophilia.
When's the show gonna start? I'm gettin' too old for this.
Did you see that? Yeah, it was a nice job.
Duck! Now can I be your sidekick? No! Pardon me.
Well, that about does it! See ya later! "I'll see ya later!" Oh, you're funny, you know that? Very funny! Oh, yeah.
We're a team.
Z- Zymoscope.
Zymosis? Zymurgy.
And of course, who could forget, "Zyzzyva.
" Well, I guess that's it.
Um, Sheriff.
Yeah.
Oh! Get on with it! Get on with it! Uh, do you have any last requests? - No, no, people.
Come on, now.
There are rules.
You know what I'd really like? A nice, ripe peach! But peaches are out of season.
I'll wait.
Oh, no- Come on! You been stalling long enough.
Yes, he has.
Time to tell everyone the truth, Autolycus.
Oh, my hero! - You can untie him now, Sheriff.
- I can, but I won't.
I see you, but I don't see the money.
That's because it's in the bank, where it's supposed to be.
You see, this was all a test.
Wasn't it, Autolycus? Uh, yeah.
Test.
- Yes, of course! - What better way to make sure that your bank is as secure as it can be, than to have it tested by the King of Thieves himself? We've identified all the possible weaknesses, and you can rest assured that your money is perfectly safe.
Let him go.
No "noose" is good "noose.
" What a fickle crowd! But in this case, I'm all for it.
Let them eat cake! Yeah.
Have you ever heard this thing, "Never look a gift horse in the mouth"? Sure, and "Don't stand to close to his ass," either.
Get this buckle.
After all this time wanting to get back at you, now I owe you an apology.
Oh, let's just call it even, kitten.
You look beautiful.
I was thinking- - What I meant to say- - I just meant- You first.
No.
You.
Well, I've been walking around for a long time now.
And the last memory I have of you is one that I regret.
And, uh, I'd like the chance to change that.
What'd you have in mind? Let me buy you dinner? Oh, yeah? Sure you wanna do that? I've got very expensive tastes.
A woman after my own heart.
Bring out Luscious! - Luscious? - The stage beckons! When you kissed me before, in your dressing room, did you mean that, or was that just part of your act? Guess you'll just have to stick around and find out.
And now, the woman you've all been waiting for: the wind beneath your wings, the zippity in your doo-dah- Luscious Deluxe! ? I'm back in business You know what I mean? ? Got all my assets Where they need to be? ? And if you see me coming Just don't stop and stare? ? Let's find out what the market will bear? ? Goin' to give it All I've got? ? As you can see I've got a lot? ? I'm a high-risk venture With a low, low fee? Ah, the mystery that is woman.
Brother, you said a mouthful.
Just wish I could have helped her buy this place.
Ah, don't worry.
I helped her get a loan at the bank.
Soon as the paperwork goes through, this place will be hers.
Wait.
Let me get this right.
The bankgives you money? Sure! With a viable cosigner and a clean credit rating, you'll get a fixed-term loan amortized over 30 seasons- which is really preferable to an A.
R.
M.
, because it protects you from fluctuating interest rates.
What are the rates now? Eight and a half percent.
Eight and a half? That's highway robbery! Say! I gotta get into this bank racket.
Autolycus, I think you may have found your calling.
? No more just around the corner? ? No more right around the bend? ? You know I'm back in business? ? Again? ? I'm back in business again?