Hustle s06e05 Episode Script

Oh, It's really hard to pack, guys, if we don't know where we're going.
Is it hot or cold? Hotel? Villa? Spa? Seriously, the whole "Let's see where the mood takes us" approach, doesn't work when a girl has to pack.
What's up? Mickey's been scammed.
- It's a phone! - Yeah, actually, it's supposed to be an MP3 touch phone with built in SatNav.
Yeah, like I said.
It's a phone.
It's programmed in Japanese, the instructions are Dutch and it won't charge off a 240V power supply.
The apps are second generation and the SatNav only covers Tokyo.
So send it back.
I spent three hours trying to get through to a call centre.
And when I did They refused me a refund.
They said I should have read the small print on the website, where it clearly states that the phone is "non-country specific".
- Thieving bastards.
- Sorry, am I missing something? - Yes, yeah, yes, you are.
It's the curse.
Tell her, Albert.
If a grifter gets caught in a small time scam, it leads to a run of bad luck.
You should know that.
- Yeah, everybody knows that.
- I didn't.
- Albert, do you remember Billy Seven Up? - Oh, yeah.
He fell for a lottery scam.
Three weeks later, his wife ran off with a tax inspector, who had him investigated for VAT fraud, he got three months.
Then he lost three fingers in a fight over channels in the recreation room.
He wanted Ready Steady Cook, some geezer wanted Countdown and bit off his fingers.
The list goes on.
Mickey, you're an intelligent man, please tell me you don't believe this nonsense.
- It's well documented.
- We're supposed to be going on holiday! - I'm not flying with him.
- Ash! - Well, there is only one thing to do.
Put it to the test.
- Snake eyes.
- It's just one roll.
Aces high.
That makes it official.
Mickey's lost his mojo.
This is ridiculous.
Grifting is 95% planning, 5% luck.
Trouble is, it's the 5% that gets you locked up.
We have to get his mojo back.
Can you all hear yourselves? It's worse than I thought.
OK look, let's just calm down, go for a drink, sort this thing out.
- Maybe we're blowing this whole thing out of proportion.
- Er Yeah.
- It's a state of mind, that's all.
- Exactly.
Can't pull a confidence trick without confidence.
So the threat is enough.
So if you don't believe in it, it doesn't exist? - Yeah, that makes sense.
- Yeah, so, we just ignore it, carry on as usual.
- Albert? - Why not? - Yeah.
Good.
- Right, so can we go on holiday then? - Absolutely.
Yeah, as long as it's not poncey.
- Define poncey.
- Spas and health resorts.
- Why not a spa? - I can't be doing with messing about.
- What do you mean? - Smothered in oil, pipe up your bum and carrot juice for breakfast.
- Yeah, me neither.
You know I knew a bloke once, smoked 60 fags a day, drank like a fish, never did a day's exercise in his life.
Booked into one of them spa hotels, had a heart attack in the sauna.
Oh, so the fags and booze didn't kill him.
- It was the steam? - Exactly.
- Where then? - Well, I hear Margate's nice this time of year.
- Oh, no.
- No, no, no, no.
- At least we won't have to fly with him.
Eh There's no curse, remember? Exactly.
Everything is back to normal.
Eddie! Eddie! What's occurring? Not now, Ash, I'm up to my eyes.
We can't get into our office.
Look, if you want to book a table for later OK.
Book a Are you winding me up? It's happy hour.
He said it's happy hour.
Come on girls.
Now you know where I am, don't leave it too long.
All right, guys? What the bleeding hell's going on? - How d'you mean? - Well, where did all those people come from? A coach broke down outside.
You wouldn't believe the week I've had.
First, I bumped into some bloke who was looking for somewhere to have a stag night.
Britney Spears singing telegram.
Wednesday, won 80 quid on the lottery, then I had a yankee come up at Doncaster.
Eddie, I've finished cleaning the glasses.
Do you want me to start on the cellar? Oh, yes, please, darlin'.
Nearly forgot about her.
Katie.
One of the strippers.
- How long's she been here? - Four days.
We sort of hit it off.
Excuse me.
Hello? Hiya, Nick.
What can I do for you? Saturday night? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No problem, yeah.
Listen, do you want me to lay on some grub? Yeah, all right, mate yeah, OK, yeah see you then, ta.
That was Nick, one of the blokes from the stag do, he wants a birthday party Saturday night.
- Eddie, this is our office.
- Sorry, mate, what can I say? Business is business.
Hello? Hello? Bleeding thing.
Battery lasts five minutes.
I wish I'd ordered that one you told me about now, Mick.
What? That one on the net, I was going to order it, like, I just forgot about it.
Wait.
You were going to order the same phone as Mickey? Yeah.
Truth is, I thought it looked a bit too good to be true, thought it might be a con.
Eddie, I've just scraped my thigh on one of the barrels, have you got any cream? - Did all that just happen? - Wait, wait, wait.
So he didn't send off for the phone and you did? It seems that Lady Luck has switched her allegiance.
Oh, please.
No, it makes sense.
I mean, I'm not exactly sure how it happened.
But somehow, Eddie has got Mickey's mojo.
Ash, research the company I bought the phone from.
Emma, we'll need a fresh set of IDs.
Albert, liaise with Ash, start thinking about who we target.
Sean, check the website, see if they're doing this with other products.
Because of a phone? When you're conned like this, the only way to lift the curse is to con them back.
- Yeah, restore the balance.
- I'm still not convinced.
As we speak, our Eddie, is rubbing antiseptic cream into stripper's thigh.
Yeah, I can just see his little face.
Well, I don't know about anyone else, but I could do with a drink.
- Yeah, why not, I'll have a scotch.
- I'll have the same.
- I'll have a beer please, Mick.
- Oh, yeah, me too.
- You know this isn't the best way to find a mark.
- Why not? We don't know anything about these people, we don't even know if they're mark material.
I thought everyone was.
- If only.
- They have to be greedy.
- Yeah, not too many morals.
- You can't cheat .
.
an honest man.
Well, clearly the person who sold Mickey that phone is a dishonest crook, with no morals.
- The kid is right.
- And you're sure this is going to work? Let's hope so, eh? OK, Dreamfixer Enterprises.
The CEO and sole shareholder is one Mervyn Lloyd.
Or, as his friends call him, Marvellous Mervyn.
It's a no brainer, Pete.
We pay 20 pence a pop, re-label 'em as mince, ramp 'em up to half a quid, ship 'em out to Billy in Morocco and Robert's your Mum's younger brother.
He was a millionaire at the age of 27, bankrupt by 30.
He start He started off as a snotty-nosed kid selling Rubik's cubes in the 80s, at 18 went to Spain selling timeshares, before getting involved in the dot com frenzy of the 90s.
It's not hard, Garry.
Either you are in or you are out.
I've given you a vision of the future here, my son, which you cannot fully comprehend with your head up your arse.
Started Dreamfixer five years ago.
He sees himself as a trailblazer, always searching for the next big thing.
He finds a band wagon, jumps on it, makes what he can, then bails out, leaving anyone who's spent money with him trailing in his wake.
He runs 18 websites.
One of them selling what he calls fourth generation mobile phones.
- The one Mickey used.
- Yeah.
So he's an opportunist? You could say that, yeah, but he once described himself as a visionary.
I can think of a better word for him.
The point is, this guy doesn't think he's a crook.
He thinks he's an entrepreneur.
The way I see it, you've got to be in it to win it, so all I'm saying is, people, you load my gun for me and I'll shoot.
Thank you very much for your time.
I'm happy to take questions.
Hi, Mervyn, I'm Peter.
Can I just say, your presentation, from the way you look to your pitch, was absolutely first class.
But more importantly, I thought your idea was the best idea I've ever heard.
So I'm not going to waste any time, I'm in for the full half million pounds.
Mervyn, I agree.
I think, not only have you got a fabulous idea, I think you're someone I can really work with.
- That is mega, Debs.
Can I call you Debs? - No, you can't.
- OK.
- I'm going to beat Peter's offer, but just give me a minute.
- I want to hear what Duncan's got to say.
- I tell you where I am.
I like you and I can recognise an entrepreneur when I see one, so I'm going to offer you all the money, but not for the 10% you've suggested.
Five.
No, hang on.
5%? I want to revise my offer.
- Hold on, I haven't made my offer yet.
- Yeah, but I made the offer first.
- You had your chance.
- Oh, shut up, Duncan.
Mervyn, whatever these guys offer you, I'll beat it.
You haven't heard what I've got to say yet.
I'm not interested in what you're going to say.
Do we know how to find him? Yeah, well he's hardly the shy and retiring type.
OK, let's reel him in.
- Dry cleaning.
- Yeah.
- Diary.
- Yeah.
- Masseuse.
- Yeah.
- Let's go.
Dave, you're late, you muppet.
Mug.
If Marvellous Mervyn wants the next big thing, then we have to give it to him.
Ideas? Well, it's new technology I suppose, you know blue-ray, touch phones.
No most advances are online now, aren't they, like social networking sites and viral campaigns.
Yeah, I'll work on it, you know, - but let's see how Albert gets on getting us an inside track.
- OK.
Oi, Eddie! Whack the music up, will ya! We've got to do something about this.
I gave you that order two days ago and you ain't delivered.
It's as simple as that.
I can easily go and get someone else.
No ifs, no buts, just get it done, all right, son.
Call me back.
What's wrong with this geezer? To get my business, you have to GET my business.
All this namby pamby "brand building" shite is old hat.
Take it away, I don't want to know.
Business is about the bottom line.
As far as I'm concerned, turnover is vanity, profit is sanity.
Yes? - Yes, but - No buts.
I don't want to hear 'em.
Oh, see, eh? That's the trouble with you marketing people, you're too touchy feely.
Repeat, business is for mugs, people who didn't take enough off the punter the first time.
Look .
.
let me sharpen the pencil for you.
When the rubber meets the road, the scenery only changes for the lead dog.
Write that down.
So, let's run things up the flagpole, see who salutes.
Right, er Well, with direct sales, the key is identifying the market, focusing your advertising.
Advertising? Turn it in.
There's no point polishing a turd, we need to think outside the box, look at the big picture, eat the elephant one bite at a time.
- Eastern Europe? - What about it? Development opportunities in both domestic and commercial infrastructure.
We're living in a new world, doll, post credit crunch.
Think global.
- Global, right - Oh, drop me out.
Look, I tell you what, go back to your swanky offices, get your team together, throw a few things on the ground, see if the chickens peck.
No, they're not eating.
Er, we'll be in touch.
We live in hope.
Yes, yes.
Both got business degrees, couldn't run an ice cream van.
Still, you wouldn't kick her out, would ya? Right, lasagne for her, easy on the garlic.
I'll have fillet steak, chunky chips and onion rings on the side.
- How would you like your steak? - Rip its horns off and wipe its arse.
- Blue? - Blue as you like, but if a decent vet couldn't save it, it's overdone.
All right son, on you go.
It's electric, darlin'.
Paul? Yeah we've got the plans back.
They ran tests on the prototype yesterday and we had 100% success rate.
It's exciting, isn't it? Yes, but we need to keep it under wraps until the launch next week.
I want you organising the press and the marketing people, and I'll talk to the investors.
I wouldn't worry about that, this is going to be so big the press are going to be coming in droves.
Yes, all right, fine.
I'll call you later with an update.
Bye.
Yeah, Albert's in with him now.
I'm going to interrupt him in ten minutes.
OK.
Ash has done the Henry Cole stuff.
He's done a full website, Wikepedia, the works.
The search engines should light him up like a Christmas tree.
All right? Right.
Sorry.
Mervyn Lloyd.
Henry Cole.
This is my assistant, Rosie.
How's your grub? Very nice grub.
Thank you.
What kind of business you in, Henry? I'm in venture capital, but occasionally I take new products into the market.
Oh, yeah? Anything interesting in the pipeline? One or two.
Cards close to your chest, eh? I like it.
Good man.
I'm CEO of Dreamfixer Enterprises.
- Ha? - Dreamfixer Enterprises.
- I never heard of it.
- Oh, you will, don't worry about that.
Card.
Come on, come on.
What's the matter with you? Maybe we should have a little meet, see if there's any way we could do some business together.
I'm only in London for a couple of weeks and my diary is full.
- But thank you.
- I'm flexible.
Mr Cole, it's 1.
45, and your appointment with Mr Branson is at two.
Thank you, John.
May I have the cheque, please? Here.
Not Richard Branson, is it? As a matter of fact, it is.
Do you know him? Well No, not personally.
- Well, it's a great pleasure to have talked with you.
- And you.
- Thank you very much.
Rosie.
Excuse me.
That went well.
All right, Mick? Yeah, fine.
- What's going on? - Nothing.
- We were just chatting.
- Chatting? - Yeah.
- What about? Nothing.
The consensus is that someone else should run the con.
Look, no offence, but it sort of makes sense.
Yeah, just until you get your mojo back.
I see.
That's not exactly what we decided.
No, no, no.
We thought we'd make it a bit more democratic.
The highest card runs the con.
Just in case, you know, it's better.
Couldn't hurt.
Hmm.
Ash runs the con.
You OK? It's funny, you know.
I've watched Mickey do this a million times.
I know and he makes it look so easy as well.
The thing is, right, I'm a fixer.
What Mickey does is like chess.
I'm more of a footie man, you know.
Do you want some help? - Yeah.
It's just the last few details I'm struggling with.
- OK.
Like what's the plan, who does what and how much do we take him for? Those little things make all the difference.
Yeah, that's what I figured.
It's hard, isn't it? Not if you play to your strengths.
- How? - I'm a fixer, remember.
Something needs doing, I find the best way to make it happen.
We find someone to point us in the right direction.
Where's Mickey? - All right, Mick? - Yeah.
- Is everything all right? - Yeah, yeah.
I thought you'd be busy working out a plan.
- No, no, no.
We've already got that sussed, haven't we, Emms? - Yes.
So what's first? Well, this Lloyd bloke is the kind of bloke who loves to be in control of his own destiny, which ties in with the whole entrepreneur thing.
So the first stage is to get him to come after us, rather than the other way around.
- Clever.
- Isn't it? - And how are you going to do that? - I'm very glad you asked me that.
It's completely brilliant, you'll never guess.
- No? - No chance.
- OK.
- So you need him to come to you? - Yeah.
Which means you'll have to put him one step ahead, make him think - he's playing you not the other way round.
- You won't get it.
So he has to get information not from us, but from someone else.
Ah, well, you see, that's the obvious part.
How, is the clever bit.
Yet we can't trust anyone else.
So That only leaves one thing.
You're going to put one of us on his side.
You've already set Sean up as Albert's assistant, you'll get him sacked.
He'll play the disgruntled ex-employee.
The mark will offer him a job for information.
- Exactly! - Ash, that's genius.
Oh, well, you know, I wouldn't say genius.
I couldn't believe it myself when he told me.
Yeah, well, I suppose I'd better go and talk to Sean.
Set things up.
Yeah, I'll come and help.
The words eat and horse spring to mind.
Henry, good to see you again.
I'm sorry, have we met somewhere? Yeah, yesterday.
I was in the restaurant.
Mervyn Lloyd.
- Mr Cole, I'm so sorry.
- You're sorry? You're 25 minutes late.
The traffic was a nightmare.
You should have left earlier, I don't like standing outside like an idiot.
- Sorry.
- Give me the keys.
- Sorry? I'll drive.
I couldn't do a worse job than you.
- Shall I meet you back at the office? - No you shall not.
You're fired.
What? You can't do that.
I just did.
What a day.
Let me get that.
- Cheers.
- Make it two, darlin'.
Plus a little cheeky one for yourself if you fancy it.
Didn't I see you in here yesterday? - Yeah, I was on the next table to your boss.
- Ex-boss.
Yeah, I saw him going into one.
Bit OTT, weren't it? He's a stickler for time keeping.
Bloody yanks, eh? - Too right.
- Lovely, babe.
So what was it you did for him, exactly? What didn't I do? Wake him up in the morning, keep his diary, sort his flights, take him to meetings, pay his bills, wiped his backside.
All the important stuff.
Fail to plan and you plan to fail.
As far as I'm concerned he can, shove his job where the sun does not shine.
Listen, er - John.
- John.
He was telling me about this new product thing.
- Er, what was it? - Oh, that.
Yeah, he's been like a dog with two dicks for weeks.
- That good, is it? - Supposed to be.
- Remind me.
It's like a - Hardly talked about anything else.
- He did tell me.
It's sort of a - Sick of hearing about it, if I'm totally honest.
- This? New thing, yeah.
Listen, thanks for the drink.
- I better grab a cab.
- Listen, John.
Can I put my cards on the table? Spell out the big picture? I'm always looking for bright young people to join my organisation.
As far as I'm concerned, moving forward, young is the new old.
People who don't just think outside the box, they rip up the box, trample it, throw it around the room for a bit and put it back together again as a circle.
- I'm not sure I'm following.
- I want to get your dance card.
- We're putting the band back together.
- We were never in a band.
Oh, just do me a favour.
I'm offering you a job, son.
You and me, and that's not bad grammar, there's no "I" in team.
What d'you say? Doing what? Right hand man.
A bit like you were doing with the yank, but without the earache.
Thanks very much.
My head's all over the place at the moment.
Can I think about it? Tell you what.
You've had a rough day.
I appreciate that.
Go home, sleep on it, shake the tree, count the apples, then come and see me tomorrow morning, OK.
OK.
Thanks.
Top man.
Go on, skedaddle.
- Everything OK? - Yeah, yeah.
It's all slipping into place, you know.
Good.
How's it going, Albert? Seems OK, just hope he takes the bait.
How's your luck? Worse than ever.
How about a quick game of stud? You don't see it as taking advantage? No, no, no.
I see it as utilising favourable circumstances.
Albert, this, um this curse.
You don't believe it's real, do you? - Well, the old time grifters used to swear by it.
- That wasn't my question.
What if there's no such thing as the curse? What if I'm simply losing my touch, getting too confident.
I never would have fallen for a scam like this a year ago.
You're being too tough on yourself.
You made an error in judgement, that's all.
And what if I make the same kindof error of again? Only this time, in the middle of a con? - Well, then you ride - My luck? Yes.
Luck is a uniquely difficult thing to understand, I mean there's no scientific evaluation, no rhyme or reason why some people have it other people don't.
What if it's just a figment of our imaginations? Well, maybe it is, still powerful just the same.
You know what the odds are for winning the National Lottery? Now if that was a horse race, the horse's odds would have to be based on the fact that it was blind, without a jockey and missing one leg.
People still want to play, why? Because they think they might get lucky.
Right.
Sean just called, he's on his way back.
And? He's going to the Dreamfixer offices tomorrow morning.
Flush beats kings.
Sorry it's taken so long, guys, only Katie's still finding her way around the bar, you know.
They're on the house as well.
- They're what? - She's not that good at adding up either.
- So who are this lot? - Hen night.
They look like they're having fun.
So far but there'll be a riot in a minute, the stripper's just cancelled.
- Now you mention it.
You all right, girls.
- Sean! We're working.
Oh, well.
Back to the grindstone.
I mean, I'm sorry, you know, seeing Eddie this happy, it's just not natural, is it? The sooner things get back to normal, the better.
Where are we? Mervyn's primed and ready, I set up a meeting with him tomorrow morning.
- What's next? - It hinges on him thinking we've got the next big thing.
- Which we haven't.
- By the time he finds out, we'll be gone.
It's just like poker.
It's not important what you've got - it's what the other guy thinks you've got.
- OK.
So where does Sean take him tomorrow? I think I've come up with something.
Me and Ash talked it through all afternoon.
- As Mervyn isn't the brightest star in the galaxy, we thought we'd go for the most obvious.
- Which is? - The bogus inventor? - Yes.
So Sean could lead him to the inventor guy.
Who's just invented this great new product, you see, and And, and he's disillusioned with the offer he got from Albert so he can be persuaded to shift his allegiance - for the right price.
- Exactly! - That's brilliant, Ash.
- Yes, it is.
Then we can bounce him on to the university, you know, make it look more authentic.
One thing, he doesn't know what it is? You can bluff, but you've got to give him something.
Well, I knew it would have to be some kind of new gadget, so I've been working on this.
That's brilliant.
Yeah, it's fantastic.
Oh, no, that's more than fantastic, - that is flamin' genius.
- Yeah, right.
Next problem is the convincer.
Now we know we can't let him win a small deal first, so we have to try something different.
- Go on.
- Sean tells him he doesn't know what the product is exactly, but he does know what meetings Albert has tomorrow.
One of which is with the inventor.
- Yeah, but before that, we whet his appetite.
- How? That's where you come in, Albert.
Oh, no, not me, I'm out.
I don't Not quite.
You know every concierge and maitre'd in London right? Yes, I do.
Then I need you to find out where these people are between 11 and three.
- OK, so we're good to go.
- Yes, we are.
- Oh, please don't tell me he's actually going to - This is disgusting.
You've heard of the Chippendale.
It's the balsa wood! I'm going to wash my eyes out with mouthwash.
I never knew he had it in him.
Ah, the things these old eyes have seen.
It was obscene.
- Oh, come on, it was a bit of fun.
- Even the soda siphon bit? I'll admit that was a little over enthusiastic.
He nearly had that poor girl's eye out.
Hey, what do you say, Mr Stroller, you give a guy a chance to win his money back.
A gambler's dream.
A guy who doesn't know when he's beaten.
Hey, my luck's got to change sometime.
I can't believe you played him again.
I've known him a long time, give him a puzzle he can't help working it out.
- No point making a meal out of it, is there? - No, there isn't.
- Hey you know your gadget? - Yeah.
You know the best thing about it? - What's that? - No-one else in the world could have thought of it.
Right, everyone set? - Yeah, think so.
- OK, so let's stay focussed, stay in character and don't let this creep off the hook.
This don't feel right.
Doing it without Mick.
But he's jinxed.
What if it rubs off on the rest of us jeopardises the con? No, Ash is right.
Look at him.
- What do you think, Albert? - It has to be Ash's call.
Right.
Mick? We need some help, getting Emma into the university.
Do you think you could give us a hand? Well, if you're sure.
Just don't touch anything.
They're not customers, they're muppets, the only reason they shop online is because they're too fat and too lazy to get up off their arses and go shopping like normal people.
Half of 'em are unemployed, spending my bleedin' tax money on pizzas and supermarket lager, the other half are desk jockeys using the firm's computer to go shopping instead of doing in a decent day's work.
So just bang 'em through the Mumbai call centre.
If it starts to come on top, just shut the company down and open up another one.
Look, I ain't paying you to run a bleedin' charity shop.
I gotta go, Coxy, I got a call on the other line.
Hello? Alan, yeah.
Listen up, son.
Apparently Blue-Ray's the next big thing so I want you to print me some labels.
Just a big Blue-ray logo thing, self adhesive.
Yeah, then take 'em down to the warehouse and stick 'em on them old DVD players.
Oh, legal shmegal, I can't tell the bleeding difference anyway.
Just get it done, mate, I gotta go.
Johnny boy, John, John.
Show me the love, eh.
Come in, let's talk.
D'you want a cup of tea or anything? - No thank you.
- Champagne, Bacardi and coke, banana daiquiri? - It's I'm joking.
I don't want to be disturbed.
Welcome to Dreamfixer.
What exactly do you do here? Essentially we're direct sales.
If you want it, I've got it, if I haven't got it, I'll get it.
If I can't get it, you don't want it.
- Right.
- But our USP is being first out the starting blocks.
We catch a trend, ride it to trade and catch the cream before the cat wakes up.
- You mentioned a job? - Yes, I did, but the kind of job I have for you, - depends on what you bring to the party.
- Well, I brought a CV.
You know what CV's are? Do you? They're a mask, a postcard from the past.
They tell me what you've done, but not who you are.
A postcard's no good to me, I want an internal.
I need to see what makes you tick, what's in here.
Whether you've got these.
Ask me a question.
Sorry? Ask me a question.
Anything.
- What's - 42.
Be quick, be first, know the answer before the question.
- What if the answer doesn't fit? - Then you change the question.
Don't let the tail wag the dog.
Relax, you're doing well.
So how about we shit or get off the pot? OK.
This Henry Cole geezer, he's working on this new product.
What is it? I don't know.
What? It's a secret, only he knows.
- And the investors.
- OK, so who are they? I don't know that either.
No, no, John, I'm not liking these answers.
We'll try again.
- I'm going to ask you a very important question and I want you to answer it carefully.
- 42.
No, we ain't doing that any more.
Now think carefully.
What do you know? Nothing really.
- Nothing? - No.
Yesterday you said he couldn't stop talking about it.
He can't.
But about how much money he's gonna make, not what the product actually is.
That's no bleeding use to me, is it? Streuth! Sorry.
I do know today's a big day, though.
- What? - I do his diary.
I know he's got a lot of big meetings lined up.
- What meetings? - He's seeing the investors at 11, then he's off to the university in the afternoon.
The university? He's practically been living there the past couple of months.
These investors, do you know where he's meeting them? One's in Islington, the others in Butlers Wharf.
Right, let's walk and talk.
- Can I help you? - Yes, we're looking for your research department.
And who is it you want to see? - Er - Ooh, um Hang on, I've got it written down here somewhere.
I know I had it.
Sorry.
That's a very pretty brooch.
Thank you, my daughter gave it to me.
- Oh, she has great taste.
- Yes, she has.
- Sorry.
- Was it for a special occasion? - My 50th.
- No, you're kidding me.
- Five years ago.
Five years ago! Have you got a scientist here who's developed some kind of anti-ageing potion? I'm really sorry, I left the office in a rush.
You must let me get some for my wife.
Well, it may be Mr Bartlett, but I know he's on a field trip, or there's Mrs Greenaway.
Yes, that's it, Mrs Greenaway, that's it.
Could you please call through and let her know that Mr Peters and Miss Miller are here to see her.
From Ofsted.
Oh, right.
Hello, I have some people here for you, from Ofsted.
Thank you.
Straight down that corridor, turn left at the end then follow the signs to the annexe.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Ash, it's in the East Wing.
There's a car park, go to the opposite side, you'll see a fire exit on your right as you look.
Yeah, 15 minutes.
- Mrs Greenaway? I'm Mr Peters and this is Miss Miller.
- How do you do? - We're from Ofsted.
- Yes, the front desk called through.
How can I help? It's a little bit delicate, could we go inside? Yes.
- You're sure this is it? - Positive, I booked the table myself.
- But you don't know who he was meeting? - No.
OK, hang on here.
Excuse me, Mr Branson, I'm sorry to interrupt you, but I'd like to get an autograph for my wife.
Her name is May.
M-A-Y.
She's a great fan of yours.
I don't bloody believe it.
So, who was it? Eh? Oh, never mind.
Just to let you know, his next one's in an hour.
Right.
Go and find me a coffee, a strong one.
Well, come on, look lively! This is it son, you're in the big time now.
You're absolutely sure about this? No, which is why we need to carry out the inquiry.
It's important to say that although Mr Bartlett is under investigation, we are hopeful that these allegations are without foundation.
- Of course.
- You must understand that manipulating exam results is a very serious matter.
- Is Mr Bartlett in today? - On a field trip.
Can I just ask why you haven't spoken to the Dean about this? Because at that point it would then become a formal inquiry.
Which would mean a permanent entry on his records.
If the allegations are unfounded, we'd like to avoid that.
We're all on the same side after all.
Yes, quite.
So, how can I help? Well, we have the exam papers in question at our office in Holborn, and we wondered, as you are obviously very familiar with all the work carried out here, if you wouldn't mind taking a look at them for us.
- When? - This afternoon.
- I'm sure you could claim the cab fare back.
And your co-operation would not go unnoticed.
Let me write down the address for you.
That way you can be there and back, before you erm .
.
before you know it.
- This it? - Hotel lobby.
12.
30.
Good lad.
Hold tight.
Yeah, I did that too.
What? I was staring at him for ages before I realised who it was.
He's a lord now.
- Not? - Yeah, Lord Alan Sugar.
I just served him his tea.
Thank you very much, gentlemen, mission accomplished, I think.
Until next time, Malcolm.
Paul, always a pleasure to work with you.
Thank you very much.
- Any time, Albert.
- Thank you.
Johnny, Johnny.
- This is bigger than I thought.
- What is? Think, son, think.
I think he's got one more appointment then straight off to the university.
This university, that's it! What time's he due there? In an hour and a half, seeing the same woman as always.
A Mrs Greenaway, I met her last time we were there.
Right, he who dares.
Get me over there, boy.
- Hello.
- Hello again.
- Looks like I'm errand boy for the day.
- Oh? I've been sent to meet a couple of colleagues.
Junior management.
We're afraid they'll get lost.
Will I need passes for them? Will they be staying with you? - Absolutely.
- Then I'm sure it will be OK.
Great.
Here they are now.
Gentlemen, can I help you? Yes, my good man.
We're here to see Mrs Greenaway.
And you are? We're associates of Mr Cole.
- Henry Cole? - That's him.
- Then you better follow me.
I'll take you straight through.
- Thank you.
Our design department is very much - looking forward to the product launch.
- So are we.
- We think it will be a real coup for the university.
- Yes, it will.
Ah, yes, Mr Bond, these gentlemen are with Mr Cole's office.
I'm sorry, I thought the meeting was at two? Yeah, well, something new's come up.
- Have we met? - Mervyn Lloyd.
- Bond.
James Bond.
- No relation.
- Funny innit.
Like the film.
I think Mr Bond is in charge of the university's business affairs.
You're just the man I'm looking for.
I'll leave you to it.
And you can tell me how it's all going.
I'll just check, see if Mrs Greenaway's free.
What do we do now? Just watch and learn son, watch and learn.
- Looks like we're in luck.
- Magic.
Mrs Greenaway, this is Mr Lloyd.
Hello.
Hi, we met last time I was here with Mr Cole.
Of course, nice to see you again.
Is Mr Cole not with you? No, he's asked me to go over a few things prior to the launch.
- Such as? - You know, last minute details, making sure we stay on message, that we all skate to where the puck is going.
- Open the kimono? - He needs you to talk him through the product.
Make sure we're not building a bird's nest on the ground.
- Like it.
- Well, as you know, our design unit has been charged with investigating different ways of alleviating diseases spread by insects in the third world.
Malaria alone kills a million people a year, the global market for pesticides is around 30 billion.
- Global, like it.
- The domestic retail and agricultural market in the UK is in the order of £1.
2 billion.
Loving the numbers, what's the secret sauce? The Stopbug device we've come up with has been fully tested and has a 100% success rate.
We don't believe there's another product that can claim the same.
Put simply, if an insect comes into contact with the Stopbug it dies.
It's the next big thing.
Moreover, it is non-chemical.
So it's safe for humans and livestock.
Let me get this straight.
You're telling me that this Stopbug thingy can kill any insect, - Oh, yes.
- Though we only use it on the troublesome ones, obviously.
- Flies, mosquitoes.
- Yes.
- Wasps? - Of course.
- I hate wasps.
- Everything.
- That is mega.
- Yes, we think so.
Can I see it? As I'd explained to Mr Cole we can't release the prototype until the patents are finalised.
- How long will that take? - As soon as Mr Cole pays the university for the merchandising rights, our lawyers will file the applications in both names, the university and company of his choice.
- Remind me again, how much he's We're paying.
- 100 thousand.
I understand that he was coming over with a bankers draft this afternoon.
Plus a 20% share of sales.
Is there anything else we can help you with? I have another meeting to go to before Mr Cole arrives.
This deal, does it have to be sanctioned by a committee or anything? He's in charge of business affairs for the university, it's entirely his call.
Excuse me.
- I'll see you in half an hour.
- Right.
Blimey, I bet you go to work with a spring in your step.
John, wait outside.
Can I be frank, James? - I can call you James? - Absolutely.
- You're a businessman, I can tell that.
- For my sins.
- Let me put a stake in the ground here, go proactive.
- Talk turkey.
Exactly, we're not here to boil the ocean.
Your bottom line is getting the best deal you can for the university, right or wrong? - Right.
No point putting lipstick on a pig.
- I hear ya.
So I want to put a proposition to you, run something up the flag pole, see if you click your heels.
- See if the chickens peck at it.
- I can see we're both on the same song sheet.
So let's say that I offered you a value added proposition, made you an offer you couldn't refuse, Mr Bond.
Vis a vis, cutting old man Cole from the equation and doing business with me instead.
- I'm listening.
- 150K right here, right now and 25% of the sales, if you put those patents in my name.
- Well, I'm not sure that's entirely ethical.
- Ethical smethical.
Money talks and bullshit walks.
shake my hand, and I'll do a bank transfer before I leave this office.
Well, I need to confer with my colleagues, - keep them in the loop.
- Screw the loop.
Loops are for losers.
If there is a loop, the only people who need to be in that loop are you and me.
Shake my hand and as well as the transfer to the university, I'll do another ten grand for you personally.
Call it a finder's fee.
It's win, win.
I'll talk to the lawyers and have the prototype sent by courier before I leave this evening.
Pleasure doing business with you, James.
Nice one.
- Did you get it? - Do bears shit in the woods? Fantastic.
So about this job, when do I start? Nah, I've had second thoughts.
But if you hurry up, you can always make the Job Centre before it shuts.
Remember son.
The scenery only changes for the lead dog! Sweet as! Albert, it's in! £160,000! - Ash has excelled himself.
- Did you ever doubt that he would? Not at all no.
Well, with a little help from his friends.
Will you do the honours, or shall I? Please, allow me.
- Thanks.
- Sign there, please.
Thanks.
- Well done, Ash.
- Well, you know, I learnt from the best.
- A star is born.
- Mickey did help quite a bit.
Oh, what you mean "we've got a plan, see if you can guess what it is.
" Did you know? I thought we were convincing.
It seems you can't kid a kidder after all.
All right, cheers.
- Cheers.
- To Ash.
Come on then, let's see if Mickey's got his mojo back.
Aces high.
Albert.
Place insect on block A and strike down sharply with block B.
He was telling me about this new product thing - He's been walking around like a dog with two dicks.
- That good is it.
- Everything OK? - Yeah yeah.
It's all slipping into place, you know.
Put simply if an insect comes into contact with the Stopbug it dies.
It's the next big thing.
Yeah! Cheers.
Welcome back.
So is that it then? Now Mickey's got his mojo back, can we please just go on holiday? - Yes, we can.
- Thank you! - As long as it's not poncey.
Yeah maybe we should eat the elephant one bite at a time, the big picture going forward.
- Think outside the box, you mean? - Yeah.
- No more, no more.
I hope Eddie's saved us a booth.
Eddie! Where is everyone? - Can't be that bad, can it? - Bad? You don't know the half of it.
The scratch on Katie's thigh got infected, so I had the doctor round here twice a day changing the dressing.
Only then I found her giving him a full medical in the cellar behind the brown ale.
Then I went to the bookies to take me mind off it, stuck 100 quid on a horse in the 3.
30.
I think it's still running.
Me VAT cheque bounced, I've got mice and for some reason the phone stopped ringing, I haven't had another booking.
- Eddie, that's terrible.
- Hang on, it gets worse.
The battery on me phone died, so I ordered that one from where Mickey got his, spent eight quid express delivery only to find I can't charge it and the instructions are in Dutch.
I've been on to some call centre in Mumbai all afternoon.
That's a very sad story, Eddie, but you have to look at the big picture.
Yeah, going forward.
Run it up the flag pole.
- See who salutes.
- Skate to where the puck is going.
- Get the drinks in.
- New phone? - Yeah it's from a reputable shop.
Hello? No, no, I'm sorry we're closed.
Yeah, for refurbishments until further notice.
Sorry about that.
No problem.
Bye.
- What? - What's closed? The reason why Eddie hasn't been receiving any phone calls is because I had his numbers diverted to my phone.
That is evil.
What can I say? Sometimes you have to make your own luck.