Lovejoy (1986) s06e05 Episode Script
Guns and Roses
"Though changed no doubt from what I was "when first I came upon these hills" Tintern Abbey? Soho in the '50s.
(MUSIC POUNDING OUT) No relation.
- Goodness gracious me! - Tinker please.
- Go get him, Kevin.
- It'll be a pleasure, boss.
Got a couple of sick guns for you to look at, George.
(LOUD KNOCKING) Sign this.
- It signs your lease over to us.
- What? It's Italian walnut.
Very rare.
You can only use the stump that grows below the ground.
And Sheffield gunmetal, Britain's finest.
Probably unobtainable now.
- Is that a threat? - Would we do that? It wouldn't work.
I'd have to have the consent of my landlord to sign it.
That's us.
See that? Burgess Entertainments Limited.
We're your landlords now.
GEORGE: Who did you nick the money from? The rarest commodity of all - George Wilson, master gunsmith.
Tell Burgess to stick this where the sun doesn't shine.
Don't make 'em like that any more.
(MUSIC PLAYS) Because I want it yesterday.
That's what I pay you people for.
I expect an answer within the next hour.
Thank you.
Well? So our Mr Wilson wants a fight, does he? Then he shall have one.
Called Burgess, my new landlord.
Wants me out of here.
He owns half this street and most of south-east London.
He's a property speculator.
That's the least of it.
Have you seen his influence out there? It's an absolute disgrace.
Anyway, what do you reckon, Tink? Turn-of-the-century English.
To most people, a gun is just a gun.
But with this engraving and the feel the last stroke of the file says "George Wilson".
Flatterer.
Made by my granddad about 1909, I reckon.
These haven't been fired in 20 years, Lovejoy.
Give them the once-over for me, George, would you? Come back in a month.
I'll have them ready for you.
- A month? - My cash flow's tied up in these guns.
My apprentice could do them for the weekend.
No, I'll wait.
KEVIN: There he is.
The one in the leather jacket.
I was in the nick with him.
What's the name? Lovejoy.
Lovejoy? Lovejoy, jailbird.
Bit of a hooky friend for Wilson, isn't he? How come? Doesn't fit.
Wilson's clients are dukes and princes.
We've all got our blind spots, Mr Burgess.
Haven't we all? Thought Maggie had banned rates.
Water? Since when do you have to pay for water, Tink? CHARLOTTE: Good afternoon.
Who have you and Beth been calling? Hey? Service with a smile.
If that's a bill, Charlotte, the queue starts just outside Braintree.
Your fee for the appraisal you did for me last week.
Ooh-h! Thank you.
I hear someone's trying to pass off fake Palmers in this part of the country.
That's not one.
Well, thanks, Lovejoy.
I can see my three years at the Courtauld Institute weren't a complete waste of time! It's not a Palmer, but I can't quite work out what it is a copy of.
Charlotte, I would not be so stupid as to try to pass off a fake Palmer onto you.
- I have too much respect.
- (PHONE RINGS) Hello.
Lovejoy Antiques.
- Tink, you old son-of-a-gun, it's Texas.
- Hi! Hang on.
- (QUIETLY) I'm not here.
- Lovejoy, it's Texas! Texas? Texas! Hi, Lovejoy! - When are you coming in? - Day after tomorrow.
- I'll be here.
- I'll bet you will.
I'll look forward to it.
Now you get me something good, Lovejoy.
- (CHUCKLING) See you then, Texas.
- OK.
- Charlotte, what time is it? - 5.
30.
I'm late.
Tink, buy me something to sell Texas.
What about Mexico? Um who's Texas? He's an enormous American buyer who adores Lovejoy.
Really? - You've made me miss my train.
- There's always another train, Alice.
Are these the? Oh! - Oh, yeah, these could be John Cotman.
- How did the Palmers go? Well? Well, there's a liquidity problem, Alice.
Lovejoy, I can't live on bread and kisses.
A bit starchy, isn't it? You need some protein.
How much did we say? 300, was it? - No, 500.
- That's good.
There's 70.
What about the other 430? - What, you'd strip all my assets? - I used to.
Pick-up's all I've got left.
It's not perfect but it's a start.
Hmm? - Hmm.
- Hm.
Hmmm nice.
- Just like old times.
- We're not that old.
Where are you going? Scotland.
That's miles away.
I've got to go.
I've got the off-peak return.
So have I.
Come on.
Right (SCOTTISH ACCENT) Scotland, here we come.
(ENGINE TICKS OVER) - I don't believe it! - What's wrong? I think the battery's dead.
(LAUGHING) Lovejoy, we're not teenagers any more.
You don't have to run out of petrol! I don't think you quite understand.
The battery is dead.
(SIGHING) There's a phone box down there.
- Where? - Half an hour's walk.
You're joking! Can't I use yours? It's incoming only.
I've let the cottage.
(HE SIGHS) What's this? Rain? Oh, dear! (ALARM RINGS) (RINGING STOPS) Not bad.
(GUNSHOT) MAN: Everybody down and nobody'll get hurt! Down! Not you! Empty the till.
I said, empty the till.
- No.
- What? You heard.
You've shot both barrels of that, now buzz off or your next ride'll be in a Black Maria.
Sod it! Leave it! There'll be prints on it.
(SIREN APPROACHING) (CHEERING AND WHISTLING) (OPERATIC ARIA PLAYING) - (MUSIC STOPS) - Well? Sweet as a nut.
Bang, bang, all fall down.
Then we did a runner.
The gun? Still there.
It's the retirement home in Southend for you, Mr Wilson.
Mr Burgess, call me thick if you will, but isn't Lovejoy likely to have an alibi? Who cares? Wilson is what I want.
Once the police have given Lovejoy a tug, they'll be round to Wilson's toute de suite and spoil his afternoon.
How's that, then? Don't stress out your brain, Kevin.
Leave the worrying to me.
Just call the police.
From a phone box.
We won't want it traced.
Have you got 10p, Mr Burgess? - School of Brussels, mid-16th century.
- Willem Pannemaker.
- Could be.
- Oh, it is.
- It's The Triumph Of Marcus Aurelius.
- Well, you might have said! After three years at the Courtauld Institute, Miss Cavendish, it ill behoves me to lecture you.
- Any interest? - Just between us, no.
- How big's the reserve on this? - Would I tell you? Where have you been? - Truck trouble.
- Who let that in? - Norwich school.
Unattributed.
- Looks like a Cotman to me.
Must have been a plumber called Cotman! I shall have to have a word with Bill.
I think it's rather good.
How is Alice? She's fine.
This has got Texas written all over it, hasn't it? - A little bird just told me something.
- Uh-huh? Go on.
A name for this bookmaker's raid.
An out-of-towner.
Lovejoy.
- Who's the little bird? - Anonymous phone call.
He's got form, Lovejoy.
Must be worth a chat.
Selling at £7,700.
Going once, twice (GAVEL FALLS) gone.
Sold for £7,700 to number 14.
- Texas? - Left a message at his hotel.
I hope he gets back to you in time to bid.
(WHISPERING) Bill.
- Yeah? - Get me Charlotte's phone, will you? All right.
The next lot, number 2-2-0, 220, a pair of framed watercolours, believed to be of the Norwich school, has been withdrawn.
The next lot, number 221, is a Brussels tapestry.
The Triumph Of Marcus Aurelius.
In 1528, a city ordinance required that all Brussels manufacturers marked their wares with a red sword between the two Bs - the initials of Brabant and Brussels.
This particular tapestry is believed to be the work of Willem Pannemaker.
Scenes from classical antiquity were amongst the most sought-after of subjects for tapestries throughout the 15th and 16th centuries.
So, who'll start the bidding at £10,000? £10,000 anywhere? (WHISPERING) 10,000.
CHARLOTTE: Thank you.
£10,000.
- 10,500.
- (WHISPERING) 10,500? Thank you.
£11,000.
(WHISPERING) Go to 11,500? £12,000? 12,500? £12,500 on the telephone.
- Am I all done at £12,500? - (WHISPERING) Think we've got it.
I'm selling this lovely Brussels tapestry for £12,500.
Going once, going twice - (GAVEL FALLS) - Gone to? - (WHISPERING) Lovejoy.
- Lovejoy.
(WHISPERING) You've got it.
Following his latest suspension, RADIO: Eric Cantona returns to United's starting line-up for the An absolute bargain, Katie.
He'd have paid more.
I'll pick the tapestry up tomorrow, Charlotte.
- Haven't you forgotten something? - Oh, yeah.
- (CLEARS THROAT) For the call to Paris.
- Anything else? (CHUCKLING) Your phone.
Actually, I meant the tapestry.
£12,500 you bid.
You want it all now? You think you can run rings round me, don't you, Lovejoy? All that rubbish with the mobile phone.
My mobile phone.
You think you can sell the tapestry on before you pay me.
- What if your punter doesn't want it? - He's just bought it! Everybody else pays before they leave.
Charlotte, come on! No "come on".
Cough up! Charlotte, I told you he's bought it, hasn't he? Bully for him, but your mystery man didn't bid for it, did he? You did.
I want a substantial amount against that tapestry before this time tomorrow or I'll offer it to the next highest bidder.
- You wouldn't.
- I would! - 48 hours.
- No.
Business.
- Let's talk about this over dinner.
- That won't sway me.
Your friend Texas Greenberg is using my fax paper to tell you he's gone to Berlin and will be 24 hours late.
Oh, good! Thank you.
See you at the Swan at eight.
Kate.
Who was he ringing in Paris? - Some hotel.
He was looking for Texas.
- That's Lovejoy's client.
Gone to Berlin.
(PAPER CRUMPLING) Oh, Lovejoy, there's a message from Texas.
"Change of plan.
Rostov and Warsaw imperative.
- "48-hour delay now.
Adios, amigo.
" - Oh, no! - Sorry.
- No, Tink, that's it.
Just gonna have to sell some of this stock.
How much do you reckon it's worth? How much do you owe Charlotte? - 12.
5 grand.
- I'd call the Samaritans if I were you.
(ROMANTIC PIANO MUSIC PLAYING) They're lovely! They're real! So's this.
You really are the most surprising man.
- What's this for? - The tapestry, of course.
£12,500 Yes.
You see, it's right there.
IOU £12,500.
Nice card, isn't it? Wonder if they've got the shepherd's pie tonight.
I'm starving.
Um is this all your own handiwork? Mm? Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Well, I mean, Beth made the card, but my idea.
What's What's this bit? - Hmm.
What's that? - This bit at the bottom that I can't quite read.
LOVEJOY: Oh, that's the international symbol for dinners.
I owe you £12,500 and two dinners.
- You expect me to pay for dinner as well? - Excuse me.
Could we have some service here, please? We've been sitting here for ages.
I think we'd like to start with oysters, wouldn't we, darling? Thank you.
Round the back! Round the back! Go! Go! It's all about commitment, Charlotte.
You'll have to commit more than an IOU.
I was talking about us.
Really? - More wine, sir? - Mm-mm.
Thank you.
I'm an armed police officer.
Put down your weapon, lie on the ground - and put your hands on your head.
- I think you've got I am an armed police officer.
Put down your weapon.
- I haven't got a weapon.
- Put your wine down and lie down.
All right.
Keep it cool.
(CLEARS HIS THROAT) Excuse me, Charlotte.
(GUNS COCKED) Lovejoy, we're armed police.
Oh, don't let's go through that again.
This can't be about parking fines.
I'm arresting you on suspicion of an armed robbery.
What armed robbery? Um I'm sure you've got the wrong man.
What armed robbery? In Soho this morning.
I was never in Soho this morning.
Of course he wasn't.
He was Where were you? - WOMAN: That's you.
- No, it's not.
- It's not.
- MAN: It looks like you.
That could be anybody.
Could be you.
Could be her.
I was at the hairdresser's this morning.
- I was in Suffolk.
- Where? - With a friend.
- Name? Alice Williams, Rose Cottage, Coopersale.
Ring her.
She's on holiday in Scotland.
Is he going to go and find her? Yes.
That's you.
DI Dunne, if I may, I'm a law-abiding citizen.
Now, I know what a wonderful job you people do.
So? So you look like a very reasonable woman to me.
- Do I? - Hmm.
In which sense? In every sense.
- Really? - Mm.
So I'd like to start again, if we may, as friends Friends? I suppose you can get away with that kind of bullshit in Suffolk.
I went beetroot.
- It sounds awful.
- Mm.
I have never been so embarrassed.
What about the time that jet pilot fell in love with you - and kept buzzing the auction rooms? - Worse! I tell you, Lovejoy can rot in some London clink for all I care.
- Now, you don't mean that.
- Mm-mm.
I do.
I suppose I'd better find him a lawyer.
Mmm What's this? Oh, search me.
It just spewed out of the fax machine.
It's Hebrew! Look.
It starts here.
"Lovejoy from "Texas Greenberg.
" Yours? Where's the rest of it? I was only saying that to DC Spencer.
I said, "Some barbarian has nipped Unless, of course, he did it himself.
reduced to scrap in ten minutes by some scabby faced yobbo.
Scabby faced? You know him, then? Course I don't bloody well know him! Don't swear at me.
I think you've got an attitude problem.
No? Really? You know, I've missed me supper, I'm stuck here with you two playing fantasy league policemen, and some vandal has reduced my life savings to crap! (SHOUTING) Of course I've got a bloody attitude problem! - Have you reported the theft of the gun? - What theft?! I left it at George Wilson's to be serviced! Wilson's? - Have you lost something, Tinker? - An invoice.
Is it connected to his arrest? Don't ignore me, Tinker.
They came between the canapes and the hors d'oeuvres.
I had to give whopping great tips to the waiters and I shall never be able to eat in that restaurant again.
- I'm sorry.
- I don't need an apology from you.
You've done nothing.
What's this? An invoice? £500 to artwork supplied.
Send to Ms Alice Williams, The Bothy, Auchnapochry, Skye, Scotland.
Is that it? No.
No, it's not it.
- It might have a phone number on it.
- They're not on the phone.
Mr Wilson, I wonder if you could help us with this.
It's a gun, Inspector.
Could you look at it? Lovejoy said he left it here for repair.
Well, he did.
So how did it get like this? I don't know.
It's a mystery.
No sign of a break-in.
DI DUNNE: Oh.
The gun got out of here somehow.
And it got cut back somehow.
Unless, of course, it was done here.
No.
Of course not.
But what else? Lapse in security.
Security, Mr Wilson.
Wasn't security discussed when your firearms dealer's licence was renewed? KEVIN: Is it too early for a glass of shampoo, boss? No.
Here's to a closing-down sale.
- So what happens to Lovejoy? - Who cares? They'll probably figure out he never robbed the bookie's and let him loose.
Or not! (DOOR SLAMS) I don't know why we're doing this, Dunne.
Because I say so.
Stand where you like, Lovejoy.
- This is ridiculous! Excuse me, fellas.
- Bring her down.
If the gun was nicked from George Wilson's There's nothing to say you didn't nick it.
- It was my gun.
- What an alibi! - I can't be sure.
- Spencer! Helmets on, please, gentlemen.
- Could they put their visors down? - Visors down, please.
Number two, call out, please, "Everyone on the floor.
" What? (SHOUTING) Everyone on the floor! Get up! - Number two.
- What? - (SHOUTING) Everyone on the floor! - Everyone on the floor.
It's him.
- (SOBBING) I'm sorry.
I'm frightened.
- I don't believe it! - Sweet.
- I don't even know why we're bothering.
- That's what friends are for.
- No, I mean him.
It's such a one-sided relationship.
Are you in love with him? Certainly not! You mean, he's in love with you? Is this who I think it is, Tinks? That, my dear Alice, rather depends on how you define your terms.
Hello.
I'm Geoffrey Tibbs, the defence.
Major Dill, character reference.
- Alice Williams.
- The alibi.
And you must be Charlotte, the latest.
You know, I feel I should tell you Lovejoy has a very small attention span.
I don't think size is all that important.
Do you? Shall we go in? LOVEJOY: This is Lovejoy Antiques.
Please leave a message after the beep.
- Thank you.
- (BEEP) TEXAS: Yee-ha-a! O, the yellow rose of Texas Is the only one for me! Hey, guess who, Lovejoy? Lovejoy? Don't you hide behind that machine, Lovejoy! Now, come on! Do you know how difficult it is to route a call from Romania? Pick up the goddamned phone! Yagh! (BEEP) Thank you, Alice.
Thank you, Charlotte.
Thank you, Geoffrey.
Shall we adjourn somewhere more convivial? I know a rather nice little place just around the corner.
What's that? A fax in Magyar.
Hungarian.
So, what does it say? Sorry, guv, my Magyar's a bit rusty.
I can only read two words.
Here - "Lovejoy".
And here - "Texas".
Cleverdick Lovejoy can tell us what it means.
The custody officer let him go.
- He what?! - Alibi witness turned up.
Can't I even go out and buy a dress?! They went through my mortise lock without scratching it and switched off my alarm using the code.
An expert for the lock.
A neighbour for the code.
- You've got some rum neighbours, George.
- Not for long.
The police have suspended my licence.
- If I can't trade, I'm scuppered.
- WAITER: Table here.
Ah! It's not, is it? Tell me it's not! It's Tinker Dill! Basil! Chevaliers de la table ronde Goutons, voir si le vin est bon Goutons, voir, oui, oui, oui Goutons, voir, non, non, non That's Burgess, Lovejoy.
LOVEJOY: Should I know him? You've seen his flash Roller blocking my street.
Look who he's with.
Kevin the Ponce.
I was in the nick with Kevin.
He was in my shop the other day.
Remember? The mist's beginning to clear, George.
LOVEJOY: It's that lot that wanted your licence suspended.
And me out of business.
So, has everyone chosen? I'm going to have the steak and kidney, roast potatoes.
Apple pie and custard to follow.
School dinners.
Happiest days of my life.
What sort of school did you go to? Claremont Road Secondary Modern and Platt Lane College of Art.
Oh, you're an artist! Would I have seen anything of yours hung? Just Lovejoy.
- What?! - Erm, hang on, Alice, hmm? I meant the Royal Academy Summer Exhibition.
As it happens I believe the Lancashire hotpot's always been good here, Geoffrey.
George, give me your keys.
Meet me at the shop in half an hour.
- Excuse me, everybody.
Call of nature.
- Don't go! - You're missing all the excitement! - Maybe I should go.
- Obviously you and Lovejoy - No, Charlotte, you've only just arrived.
Don't go.
It's been such fun.
I can quite see why Lovejoy's such a big fan of yours.
Probably why he's leaving.
When the going gets tough, Lovejoy gets going.
Oh, you've noticed.
Cambridge University and the Courtauld Institute - failed to blunt my perception about men.
- At least, about Lovejoy.
Isn't he the most appalling, ingratiating? - Self-centred, vain - Vain?! - Don't talk to me about vain! - Now, now, girls, girls.
It's not exactly cricket to be talking about a chap when a chap's not here to defend himself.
- No, but it's fun.
- Shut up, Geoffrey.
Right-o, Charlotte.
TINKER: Quiet! Pray silence for a genius! This stunt relies on the fact that egg-shaped objects - can withstand enormous pressure! - Enormous pressures! Here we have two eggs.
One hard-boiled one raw! Let me try.
Shhh! You're a strong-looking man, sir.
You try.
Yes! A hand for the gentleman! Yes! (KEYS ALARM CODE) They swapped them over.
Try the other one.
There you are, sir.
They always fall for that second one! You won't be laughing in a minute, Mr Wilson.
Just got another of them anonymous tips about the bookie's raid.
- In Hungarian, was it? - Sorry, guv? What was the message, Spencer? The pair of Lovejoy's shotgun is in Burgess's possession.
Did you know there was a pair? - No.
- Me neither.
Makes sense, though.
And so does Burgess.
(DOOR OPENS) - So, Burgess wants this for his own.
- And you don't want to move.
It may be a pile of muck, but it's our pile of muck.
My family have been making guns in this building since 1805.
Shame nobody had the foresight to buy it, George.
The lease does have a buy-out clause.
The trouble is, it would cost 300,000 nicker.
It might as well be three million.
How much cash have you got? If I beg, steal and borrow from my family, about 200 grand.
It isn't enough.
George, your stock must be worth a fortune.
Right? Yeah, and if I sell it, I'm out of business anyway.
See this? Who makes metal to this quality these days? Once it's sold, it's gone forever.
And this.
A walnut plank for a gunstock.
I'll have one of those in there that exactly matches yours.
What am I gonna do when I sell it? George, you must have one blinding piece here that's worth a fortune.
You keep records, don't you? Of course I keep records.
There you are.
The earliest existing.
May 1815.
Ah! There was a run on musket cartridges.
Waterloo.
Go! Go! Go! - Crap.
It's all crap, Lovejoy.
- Don't be so negative, George.
It's being so cheerful that keeps me going.
Well, nip outside and give yourself a laugh.
Go on.
GEORGE: They're feeling Burgess's collar! Crap, crap, crap.
"The Yank's Folly".
George! - The Yank's Folly.
- GEORGE: Pardon? The Yank's Folly.
What is it? It's a single-shot hunting rifle made by my great-great-grandfather for some American soldier.
He used it once and then he brought it back.
So why didn't your granddad sell it again? - I don't know.
- Why didn't you sell it? You don't change everything for change's sake.
Check it out.
It's nothing special, Lovejoy.
He made one or two of them a year.
Yeah? More crap.
Here you are, Lovejoy! January 1880.
GEORGE: Mr U Simpson Grant.
Never heard of him.
Oh, yes, you have.
Ulysses Simpson Grant, the hero of the Appomattox, general of the Union armies.
GEORGE: Wasn't even a soldier, Lovejoy.
He hasn't even got a rank That's because he became the President of the United States after the Civil War.
That's why he was a Mr, not a General.
Well, well! President Ulysses S Grant! Yeah.
And we both know where he was in January 1880, don't we, George? Where? He was leaning over this counter, buying this gun.
I don't believe it! Life is sweet! I knew I'd get him! Go on.
What do we know about people who've been in jail less than five years ago? That's right, Spencer.
They can't be granted a firearms licence.
- Don't you have ratchet handcuffs? - So? So go and put them on him.
Basil, was it in 1957 or for cavorting naked in the fountains of Trafalgar Square? I thought that was you.
Who had the lasagne and French fries? Nonsense.
I stole a policeman's helmet and sang A Mother's Love's A Blessing.
Balderdash! That was me.
- Your mother loves - You see, you don't even know the song! - Lovejoy's been arrested again.
- Oh, come on, Mr Wilson! Look, we've all just had a lovely lunch.
Really, we don't need a comic turn! Oh, no.
Not again.
ANSWERPHONE: OK, Lovejoy.
This is it.
I'll be in Southport today.
I've got a window for about an hour around six.
Got to be in Lisbon, Portugal, by midnight.
Thank you all for coming.
I couldn't think how else to end the day in style.
Unlicensed possession of a section 1 firearm.
You had the rifle but no licence, ergo you done it, milord! What's the plan? You're up in front of a stipendiary magistrate of the hanging, shooting and flogging variety.
Crusty old sod.
He thinks the sun shines out of a policeman's proverbials.
He won't believe a word you say, Lovejoy.
- So what's the plan? - Leave the talking to the man from Eton.
Come on, Geoffrey.
- Where are we going? - Little boys' room.
(PHONE RINGS) Texas? But what's the maximum sentence I can impose? I represent the defendant, sir.
Possession of an unlicensed firearm.
How does he plead? Guilty, sir.
Aren't you Tommy Tibbs' son? Yes, sir.
Mr Justice Tibbs is my father.
Where's your tie, lad? You're an embarrassment to him.
I was called here at short notice.
Oh, so this is your normal garb, like some kind of cheap spiv? Leather jacket? - It's casual, sir.
- Oh, a trend-setting Tibbs, eh? Look at your client.
That's the way a lawyer should dress in my court.
Yes, sir.
Sorry, sir.
- What's that tie he's wearing? - Eton, sir.
Eton? Why is an Eton man carrying an unlicensed firearm? He was taking it for valuation, sir, at an auctioneer's.
- And he pleads guilty? - Oh, yes, sir.
Bound over in his own recognisance for six months.
You are free to go, Mr Lovejoy.
Yo! - Bingo! - Bingo, Geoffrey.
Thank you so much! - Lovejoy, your rifle.
- I'll take that.
I know somebody who would be interested in this.
- Your day will come, Lovejoy.
- Yes, but will yours, Dunne? I'll leave my coat on the seat, Lovejoy.
I don't want to miss your next appearance.
You're all heart, Charlotte! Oh, by the way, I meant to tell you, Beth called.
- Your friend Texas is arriving at six.
- It's 4.
30 already.
Come on, we've got something to show him.
Taxi! You can touch it if you like.
Imagine the hands that made it, 400 years ago.
And each piece of dyed wool being chosen.
Imagine the work that went into it.
Nope.
Don't like it.
Gives me a bad taste in the mouth.
I gotta sell these things.
You got anything else? What about these? Oh, no, you don't want anything to do with those.
Get in there and sell, Tink.
I'll settle up.
£126.
60? - That's awfully decent of you, Lovejoy.
- Don't mention it, Geoffrey.
Texas! - Tinker! How the hell are you, boy? - Very, very well.
Erm, what do you mean, you don't like it? - I think it's beautiful! - Nah.
Now, these here are beautiful.
What are they? Cotmans? - No.
- Yes.
- Texas! - Lovejoy! - You're looking for something special? - I need special.
Something that'll go down big Stateside? - You know I do, boy.
- Take a look at this.
- This is special.
- It's a gun.
Not just any gun.
This is Ulysses S Grant's hunting rifle.
President Grant's? That's the one, the hero of the Appomattox.
- The Yankee general.
- The same! Grant the Butcher.
You know, towards the end of his life, he was so poor, he had to sell everything.
Like this.
You got proof it's his gun? Original ledgers with the name and the gun noted, but we can do better than that.
George.
Step forward.
Meet the crucible of the gunsmith's art, George Wilson.
His great-grandpappy made that.
- Is this true? - It's Ulysses Grant's gun.
And I can buy it.
- It's expensive.
- Very expensive.
You bet! It's unique.
American heritage.
Now, that's what I call special.
I say, this is awfully good! He wants the gun, Geoffrey.
Not that.
- Lovejoy, Mr Greenberg likes the Cotmans.
- One thing at a time, Alice.
I like both.
I tell you what, I'll do a deal on the gun and them there pictures.
- Your lucky day, Lovejoy.
- And mine.
- I'm happy.
- I wish I were.
What am I going to do with that? I think it's the most amazing thing I've ever seen.
Would 15,000 sound about right? About right! Oh, don't let's go through that again!
(MUSIC POUNDING OUT) No relation.
- Goodness gracious me! - Tinker please.
- Go get him, Kevin.
- It'll be a pleasure, boss.
Got a couple of sick guns for you to look at, George.
(LOUD KNOCKING) Sign this.
- It signs your lease over to us.
- What? It's Italian walnut.
Very rare.
You can only use the stump that grows below the ground.
And Sheffield gunmetal, Britain's finest.
Probably unobtainable now.
- Is that a threat? - Would we do that? It wouldn't work.
I'd have to have the consent of my landlord to sign it.
That's us.
See that? Burgess Entertainments Limited.
We're your landlords now.
GEORGE: Who did you nick the money from? The rarest commodity of all - George Wilson, master gunsmith.
Tell Burgess to stick this where the sun doesn't shine.
Don't make 'em like that any more.
(MUSIC PLAYS) Because I want it yesterday.
That's what I pay you people for.
I expect an answer within the next hour.
Thank you.
Well? So our Mr Wilson wants a fight, does he? Then he shall have one.
Called Burgess, my new landlord.
Wants me out of here.
He owns half this street and most of south-east London.
He's a property speculator.
That's the least of it.
Have you seen his influence out there? It's an absolute disgrace.
Anyway, what do you reckon, Tink? Turn-of-the-century English.
To most people, a gun is just a gun.
But with this engraving and the feel the last stroke of the file says "George Wilson".
Flatterer.
Made by my granddad about 1909, I reckon.
These haven't been fired in 20 years, Lovejoy.
Give them the once-over for me, George, would you? Come back in a month.
I'll have them ready for you.
- A month? - My cash flow's tied up in these guns.
My apprentice could do them for the weekend.
No, I'll wait.
KEVIN: There he is.
The one in the leather jacket.
I was in the nick with him.
What's the name? Lovejoy.
Lovejoy? Lovejoy, jailbird.
Bit of a hooky friend for Wilson, isn't he? How come? Doesn't fit.
Wilson's clients are dukes and princes.
We've all got our blind spots, Mr Burgess.
Haven't we all? Thought Maggie had banned rates.
Water? Since when do you have to pay for water, Tink? CHARLOTTE: Good afternoon.
Who have you and Beth been calling? Hey? Service with a smile.
If that's a bill, Charlotte, the queue starts just outside Braintree.
Your fee for the appraisal you did for me last week.
Ooh-h! Thank you.
I hear someone's trying to pass off fake Palmers in this part of the country.
That's not one.
Well, thanks, Lovejoy.
I can see my three years at the Courtauld Institute weren't a complete waste of time! It's not a Palmer, but I can't quite work out what it is a copy of.
Charlotte, I would not be so stupid as to try to pass off a fake Palmer onto you.
- I have too much respect.
- (PHONE RINGS) Hello.
Lovejoy Antiques.
- Tink, you old son-of-a-gun, it's Texas.
- Hi! Hang on.
- (QUIETLY) I'm not here.
- Lovejoy, it's Texas! Texas? Texas! Hi, Lovejoy! - When are you coming in? - Day after tomorrow.
- I'll be here.
- I'll bet you will.
I'll look forward to it.
Now you get me something good, Lovejoy.
- (CHUCKLING) See you then, Texas.
- OK.
- Charlotte, what time is it? - 5.
30.
I'm late.
Tink, buy me something to sell Texas.
What about Mexico? Um who's Texas? He's an enormous American buyer who adores Lovejoy.
Really? - You've made me miss my train.
- There's always another train, Alice.
Are these the? Oh! - Oh, yeah, these could be John Cotman.
- How did the Palmers go? Well? Well, there's a liquidity problem, Alice.
Lovejoy, I can't live on bread and kisses.
A bit starchy, isn't it? You need some protein.
How much did we say? 300, was it? - No, 500.
- That's good.
There's 70.
What about the other 430? - What, you'd strip all my assets? - I used to.
Pick-up's all I've got left.
It's not perfect but it's a start.
Hmm? - Hmm.
- Hm.
Hmmm nice.
- Just like old times.
- We're not that old.
Where are you going? Scotland.
That's miles away.
I've got to go.
I've got the off-peak return.
So have I.
Come on.
Right (SCOTTISH ACCENT) Scotland, here we come.
(ENGINE TICKS OVER) - I don't believe it! - What's wrong? I think the battery's dead.
(LAUGHING) Lovejoy, we're not teenagers any more.
You don't have to run out of petrol! I don't think you quite understand.
The battery is dead.
(SIGHING) There's a phone box down there.
- Where? - Half an hour's walk.
You're joking! Can't I use yours? It's incoming only.
I've let the cottage.
(HE SIGHS) What's this? Rain? Oh, dear! (ALARM RINGS) (RINGING STOPS) Not bad.
(GUNSHOT) MAN: Everybody down and nobody'll get hurt! Down! Not you! Empty the till.
I said, empty the till.
- No.
- What? You heard.
You've shot both barrels of that, now buzz off or your next ride'll be in a Black Maria.
Sod it! Leave it! There'll be prints on it.
(SIREN APPROACHING) (CHEERING AND WHISTLING) (OPERATIC ARIA PLAYING) - (MUSIC STOPS) - Well? Sweet as a nut.
Bang, bang, all fall down.
Then we did a runner.
The gun? Still there.
It's the retirement home in Southend for you, Mr Wilson.
Mr Burgess, call me thick if you will, but isn't Lovejoy likely to have an alibi? Who cares? Wilson is what I want.
Once the police have given Lovejoy a tug, they'll be round to Wilson's toute de suite and spoil his afternoon.
How's that, then? Don't stress out your brain, Kevin.
Leave the worrying to me.
Just call the police.
From a phone box.
We won't want it traced.
Have you got 10p, Mr Burgess? - School of Brussels, mid-16th century.
- Willem Pannemaker.
- Could be.
- Oh, it is.
- It's The Triumph Of Marcus Aurelius.
- Well, you might have said! After three years at the Courtauld Institute, Miss Cavendish, it ill behoves me to lecture you.
- Any interest? - Just between us, no.
- How big's the reserve on this? - Would I tell you? Where have you been? - Truck trouble.
- Who let that in? - Norwich school.
Unattributed.
- Looks like a Cotman to me.
Must have been a plumber called Cotman! I shall have to have a word with Bill.
I think it's rather good.
How is Alice? She's fine.
This has got Texas written all over it, hasn't it? - A little bird just told me something.
- Uh-huh? Go on.
A name for this bookmaker's raid.
An out-of-towner.
Lovejoy.
- Who's the little bird? - Anonymous phone call.
He's got form, Lovejoy.
Must be worth a chat.
Selling at £7,700.
Going once, twice (GAVEL FALLS) gone.
Sold for £7,700 to number 14.
- Texas? - Left a message at his hotel.
I hope he gets back to you in time to bid.
(WHISPERING) Bill.
- Yeah? - Get me Charlotte's phone, will you? All right.
The next lot, number 2-2-0, 220, a pair of framed watercolours, believed to be of the Norwich school, has been withdrawn.
The next lot, number 221, is a Brussels tapestry.
The Triumph Of Marcus Aurelius.
In 1528, a city ordinance required that all Brussels manufacturers marked their wares with a red sword between the two Bs - the initials of Brabant and Brussels.
This particular tapestry is believed to be the work of Willem Pannemaker.
Scenes from classical antiquity were amongst the most sought-after of subjects for tapestries throughout the 15th and 16th centuries.
So, who'll start the bidding at £10,000? £10,000 anywhere? (WHISPERING) 10,000.
CHARLOTTE: Thank you.
£10,000.
- 10,500.
- (WHISPERING) 10,500? Thank you.
£11,000.
(WHISPERING) Go to 11,500? £12,000? 12,500? £12,500 on the telephone.
- Am I all done at £12,500? - (WHISPERING) Think we've got it.
I'm selling this lovely Brussels tapestry for £12,500.
Going once, going twice - (GAVEL FALLS) - Gone to? - (WHISPERING) Lovejoy.
- Lovejoy.
(WHISPERING) You've got it.
Following his latest suspension, RADIO: Eric Cantona returns to United's starting line-up for the An absolute bargain, Katie.
He'd have paid more.
I'll pick the tapestry up tomorrow, Charlotte.
- Haven't you forgotten something? - Oh, yeah.
- (CLEARS THROAT) For the call to Paris.
- Anything else? (CHUCKLING) Your phone.
Actually, I meant the tapestry.
£12,500 you bid.
You want it all now? You think you can run rings round me, don't you, Lovejoy? All that rubbish with the mobile phone.
My mobile phone.
You think you can sell the tapestry on before you pay me.
- What if your punter doesn't want it? - He's just bought it! Everybody else pays before they leave.
Charlotte, come on! No "come on".
Cough up! Charlotte, I told you he's bought it, hasn't he? Bully for him, but your mystery man didn't bid for it, did he? You did.
I want a substantial amount against that tapestry before this time tomorrow or I'll offer it to the next highest bidder.
- You wouldn't.
- I would! - 48 hours.
- No.
Business.
- Let's talk about this over dinner.
- That won't sway me.
Your friend Texas Greenberg is using my fax paper to tell you he's gone to Berlin and will be 24 hours late.
Oh, good! Thank you.
See you at the Swan at eight.
Kate.
Who was he ringing in Paris? - Some hotel.
He was looking for Texas.
- That's Lovejoy's client.
Gone to Berlin.
(PAPER CRUMPLING) Oh, Lovejoy, there's a message from Texas.
"Change of plan.
Rostov and Warsaw imperative.
- "48-hour delay now.
Adios, amigo.
" - Oh, no! - Sorry.
- No, Tink, that's it.
Just gonna have to sell some of this stock.
How much do you reckon it's worth? How much do you owe Charlotte? - 12.
5 grand.
- I'd call the Samaritans if I were you.
(ROMANTIC PIANO MUSIC PLAYING) They're lovely! They're real! So's this.
You really are the most surprising man.
- What's this for? - The tapestry, of course.
£12,500 Yes.
You see, it's right there.
IOU £12,500.
Nice card, isn't it? Wonder if they've got the shepherd's pie tonight.
I'm starving.
Um is this all your own handiwork? Mm? Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Well, I mean, Beth made the card, but my idea.
What's What's this bit? - Hmm.
What's that? - This bit at the bottom that I can't quite read.
LOVEJOY: Oh, that's the international symbol for dinners.
I owe you £12,500 and two dinners.
- You expect me to pay for dinner as well? - Excuse me.
Could we have some service here, please? We've been sitting here for ages.
I think we'd like to start with oysters, wouldn't we, darling? Thank you.
Round the back! Round the back! Go! Go! It's all about commitment, Charlotte.
You'll have to commit more than an IOU.
I was talking about us.
Really? - More wine, sir? - Mm-mm.
Thank you.
I'm an armed police officer.
Put down your weapon, lie on the ground - and put your hands on your head.
- I think you've got I am an armed police officer.
Put down your weapon.
- I haven't got a weapon.
- Put your wine down and lie down.
All right.
Keep it cool.
(CLEARS HIS THROAT) Excuse me, Charlotte.
(GUNS COCKED) Lovejoy, we're armed police.
Oh, don't let's go through that again.
This can't be about parking fines.
I'm arresting you on suspicion of an armed robbery.
What armed robbery? Um I'm sure you've got the wrong man.
What armed robbery? In Soho this morning.
I was never in Soho this morning.
Of course he wasn't.
He was Where were you? - WOMAN: That's you.
- No, it's not.
- It's not.
- MAN: It looks like you.
That could be anybody.
Could be you.
Could be her.
I was at the hairdresser's this morning.
- I was in Suffolk.
- Where? - With a friend.
- Name? Alice Williams, Rose Cottage, Coopersale.
Ring her.
She's on holiday in Scotland.
Is he going to go and find her? Yes.
That's you.
DI Dunne, if I may, I'm a law-abiding citizen.
Now, I know what a wonderful job you people do.
So? So you look like a very reasonable woman to me.
- Do I? - Hmm.
In which sense? In every sense.
- Really? - Mm.
So I'd like to start again, if we may, as friends Friends? I suppose you can get away with that kind of bullshit in Suffolk.
I went beetroot.
- It sounds awful.
- Mm.
I have never been so embarrassed.
What about the time that jet pilot fell in love with you - and kept buzzing the auction rooms? - Worse! I tell you, Lovejoy can rot in some London clink for all I care.
- Now, you don't mean that.
- Mm-mm.
I do.
I suppose I'd better find him a lawyer.
Mmm What's this? Oh, search me.
It just spewed out of the fax machine.
It's Hebrew! Look.
It starts here.
"Lovejoy from "Texas Greenberg.
" Yours? Where's the rest of it? I was only saying that to DC Spencer.
I said, "Some barbarian has nipped Unless, of course, he did it himself.
reduced to scrap in ten minutes by some scabby faced yobbo.
Scabby faced? You know him, then? Course I don't bloody well know him! Don't swear at me.
I think you've got an attitude problem.
No? Really? You know, I've missed me supper, I'm stuck here with you two playing fantasy league policemen, and some vandal has reduced my life savings to crap! (SHOUTING) Of course I've got a bloody attitude problem! - Have you reported the theft of the gun? - What theft?! I left it at George Wilson's to be serviced! Wilson's? - Have you lost something, Tinker? - An invoice.
Is it connected to his arrest? Don't ignore me, Tinker.
They came between the canapes and the hors d'oeuvres.
I had to give whopping great tips to the waiters and I shall never be able to eat in that restaurant again.
- I'm sorry.
- I don't need an apology from you.
You've done nothing.
What's this? An invoice? £500 to artwork supplied.
Send to Ms Alice Williams, The Bothy, Auchnapochry, Skye, Scotland.
Is that it? No.
No, it's not it.
- It might have a phone number on it.
- They're not on the phone.
Mr Wilson, I wonder if you could help us with this.
It's a gun, Inspector.
Could you look at it? Lovejoy said he left it here for repair.
Well, he did.
So how did it get like this? I don't know.
It's a mystery.
No sign of a break-in.
DI DUNNE: Oh.
The gun got out of here somehow.
And it got cut back somehow.
Unless, of course, it was done here.
No.
Of course not.
But what else? Lapse in security.
Security, Mr Wilson.
Wasn't security discussed when your firearms dealer's licence was renewed? KEVIN: Is it too early for a glass of shampoo, boss? No.
Here's to a closing-down sale.
- So what happens to Lovejoy? - Who cares? They'll probably figure out he never robbed the bookie's and let him loose.
Or not! (DOOR SLAMS) I don't know why we're doing this, Dunne.
Because I say so.
Stand where you like, Lovejoy.
- This is ridiculous! Excuse me, fellas.
- Bring her down.
If the gun was nicked from George Wilson's There's nothing to say you didn't nick it.
- It was my gun.
- What an alibi! - I can't be sure.
- Spencer! Helmets on, please, gentlemen.
- Could they put their visors down? - Visors down, please.
Number two, call out, please, "Everyone on the floor.
" What? (SHOUTING) Everyone on the floor! Get up! - Number two.
- What? - (SHOUTING) Everyone on the floor! - Everyone on the floor.
It's him.
- (SOBBING) I'm sorry.
I'm frightened.
- I don't believe it! - Sweet.
- I don't even know why we're bothering.
- That's what friends are for.
- No, I mean him.
It's such a one-sided relationship.
Are you in love with him? Certainly not! You mean, he's in love with you? Is this who I think it is, Tinks? That, my dear Alice, rather depends on how you define your terms.
Hello.
I'm Geoffrey Tibbs, the defence.
Major Dill, character reference.
- Alice Williams.
- The alibi.
And you must be Charlotte, the latest.
You know, I feel I should tell you Lovejoy has a very small attention span.
I don't think size is all that important.
Do you? Shall we go in? LOVEJOY: This is Lovejoy Antiques.
Please leave a message after the beep.
- Thank you.
- (BEEP) TEXAS: Yee-ha-a! O, the yellow rose of Texas Is the only one for me! Hey, guess who, Lovejoy? Lovejoy? Don't you hide behind that machine, Lovejoy! Now, come on! Do you know how difficult it is to route a call from Romania? Pick up the goddamned phone! Yagh! (BEEP) Thank you, Alice.
Thank you, Charlotte.
Thank you, Geoffrey.
Shall we adjourn somewhere more convivial? I know a rather nice little place just around the corner.
What's that? A fax in Magyar.
Hungarian.
So, what does it say? Sorry, guv, my Magyar's a bit rusty.
I can only read two words.
Here - "Lovejoy".
And here - "Texas".
Cleverdick Lovejoy can tell us what it means.
The custody officer let him go.
- He what?! - Alibi witness turned up.
Can't I even go out and buy a dress?! They went through my mortise lock without scratching it and switched off my alarm using the code.
An expert for the lock.
A neighbour for the code.
- You've got some rum neighbours, George.
- Not for long.
The police have suspended my licence.
- If I can't trade, I'm scuppered.
- WAITER: Table here.
Ah! It's not, is it? Tell me it's not! It's Tinker Dill! Basil! Chevaliers de la table ronde Goutons, voir si le vin est bon Goutons, voir, oui, oui, oui Goutons, voir, non, non, non That's Burgess, Lovejoy.
LOVEJOY: Should I know him? You've seen his flash Roller blocking my street.
Look who he's with.
Kevin the Ponce.
I was in the nick with Kevin.
He was in my shop the other day.
Remember? The mist's beginning to clear, George.
LOVEJOY: It's that lot that wanted your licence suspended.
And me out of business.
So, has everyone chosen? I'm going to have the steak and kidney, roast potatoes.
Apple pie and custard to follow.
School dinners.
Happiest days of my life.
What sort of school did you go to? Claremont Road Secondary Modern and Platt Lane College of Art.
Oh, you're an artist! Would I have seen anything of yours hung? Just Lovejoy.
- What?! - Erm, hang on, Alice, hmm? I meant the Royal Academy Summer Exhibition.
As it happens I believe the Lancashire hotpot's always been good here, Geoffrey.
George, give me your keys.
Meet me at the shop in half an hour.
- Excuse me, everybody.
Call of nature.
- Don't go! - You're missing all the excitement! - Maybe I should go.
- Obviously you and Lovejoy - No, Charlotte, you've only just arrived.
Don't go.
It's been such fun.
I can quite see why Lovejoy's such a big fan of yours.
Probably why he's leaving.
When the going gets tough, Lovejoy gets going.
Oh, you've noticed.
Cambridge University and the Courtauld Institute - failed to blunt my perception about men.
- At least, about Lovejoy.
Isn't he the most appalling, ingratiating? - Self-centred, vain - Vain?! - Don't talk to me about vain! - Now, now, girls, girls.
It's not exactly cricket to be talking about a chap when a chap's not here to defend himself.
- No, but it's fun.
- Shut up, Geoffrey.
Right-o, Charlotte.
TINKER: Quiet! Pray silence for a genius! This stunt relies on the fact that egg-shaped objects - can withstand enormous pressure! - Enormous pressures! Here we have two eggs.
One hard-boiled one raw! Let me try.
Shhh! You're a strong-looking man, sir.
You try.
Yes! A hand for the gentleman! Yes! (KEYS ALARM CODE) They swapped them over.
Try the other one.
There you are, sir.
They always fall for that second one! You won't be laughing in a minute, Mr Wilson.
Just got another of them anonymous tips about the bookie's raid.
- In Hungarian, was it? - Sorry, guv? What was the message, Spencer? The pair of Lovejoy's shotgun is in Burgess's possession.
Did you know there was a pair? - No.
- Me neither.
Makes sense, though.
And so does Burgess.
(DOOR OPENS) - So, Burgess wants this for his own.
- And you don't want to move.
It may be a pile of muck, but it's our pile of muck.
My family have been making guns in this building since 1805.
Shame nobody had the foresight to buy it, George.
The lease does have a buy-out clause.
The trouble is, it would cost 300,000 nicker.
It might as well be three million.
How much cash have you got? If I beg, steal and borrow from my family, about 200 grand.
It isn't enough.
George, your stock must be worth a fortune.
Right? Yeah, and if I sell it, I'm out of business anyway.
See this? Who makes metal to this quality these days? Once it's sold, it's gone forever.
And this.
A walnut plank for a gunstock.
I'll have one of those in there that exactly matches yours.
What am I gonna do when I sell it? George, you must have one blinding piece here that's worth a fortune.
You keep records, don't you? Of course I keep records.
There you are.
The earliest existing.
May 1815.
Ah! There was a run on musket cartridges.
Waterloo.
Go! Go! Go! - Crap.
It's all crap, Lovejoy.
- Don't be so negative, George.
It's being so cheerful that keeps me going.
Well, nip outside and give yourself a laugh.
Go on.
GEORGE: They're feeling Burgess's collar! Crap, crap, crap.
"The Yank's Folly".
George! - The Yank's Folly.
- GEORGE: Pardon? The Yank's Folly.
What is it? It's a single-shot hunting rifle made by my great-great-grandfather for some American soldier.
He used it once and then he brought it back.
So why didn't your granddad sell it again? - I don't know.
- Why didn't you sell it? You don't change everything for change's sake.
Check it out.
It's nothing special, Lovejoy.
He made one or two of them a year.
Yeah? More crap.
Here you are, Lovejoy! January 1880.
GEORGE: Mr U Simpson Grant.
Never heard of him.
Oh, yes, you have.
Ulysses Simpson Grant, the hero of the Appomattox, general of the Union armies.
GEORGE: Wasn't even a soldier, Lovejoy.
He hasn't even got a rank That's because he became the President of the United States after the Civil War.
That's why he was a Mr, not a General.
Well, well! President Ulysses S Grant! Yeah.
And we both know where he was in January 1880, don't we, George? Where? He was leaning over this counter, buying this gun.
I don't believe it! Life is sweet! I knew I'd get him! Go on.
What do we know about people who've been in jail less than five years ago? That's right, Spencer.
They can't be granted a firearms licence.
- Don't you have ratchet handcuffs? - So? So go and put them on him.
Basil, was it in 1957 or for cavorting naked in the fountains of Trafalgar Square? I thought that was you.
Who had the lasagne and French fries? Nonsense.
I stole a policeman's helmet and sang A Mother's Love's A Blessing.
Balderdash! That was me.
- Your mother loves - You see, you don't even know the song! - Lovejoy's been arrested again.
- Oh, come on, Mr Wilson! Look, we've all just had a lovely lunch.
Really, we don't need a comic turn! Oh, no.
Not again.
ANSWERPHONE: OK, Lovejoy.
This is it.
I'll be in Southport today.
I've got a window for about an hour around six.
Got to be in Lisbon, Portugal, by midnight.
Thank you all for coming.
I couldn't think how else to end the day in style.
Unlicensed possession of a section 1 firearm.
You had the rifle but no licence, ergo you done it, milord! What's the plan? You're up in front of a stipendiary magistrate of the hanging, shooting and flogging variety.
Crusty old sod.
He thinks the sun shines out of a policeman's proverbials.
He won't believe a word you say, Lovejoy.
- So what's the plan? - Leave the talking to the man from Eton.
Come on, Geoffrey.
- Where are we going? - Little boys' room.
(PHONE RINGS) Texas? But what's the maximum sentence I can impose? I represent the defendant, sir.
Possession of an unlicensed firearm.
How does he plead? Guilty, sir.
Aren't you Tommy Tibbs' son? Yes, sir.
Mr Justice Tibbs is my father.
Where's your tie, lad? You're an embarrassment to him.
I was called here at short notice.
Oh, so this is your normal garb, like some kind of cheap spiv? Leather jacket? - It's casual, sir.
- Oh, a trend-setting Tibbs, eh? Look at your client.
That's the way a lawyer should dress in my court.
Yes, sir.
Sorry, sir.
- What's that tie he's wearing? - Eton, sir.
Eton? Why is an Eton man carrying an unlicensed firearm? He was taking it for valuation, sir, at an auctioneer's.
- And he pleads guilty? - Oh, yes, sir.
Bound over in his own recognisance for six months.
You are free to go, Mr Lovejoy.
Yo! - Bingo! - Bingo, Geoffrey.
Thank you so much! - Lovejoy, your rifle.
- I'll take that.
I know somebody who would be interested in this.
- Your day will come, Lovejoy.
- Yes, but will yours, Dunne? I'll leave my coat on the seat, Lovejoy.
I don't want to miss your next appearance.
You're all heart, Charlotte! Oh, by the way, I meant to tell you, Beth called.
- Your friend Texas is arriving at six.
- It's 4.
30 already.
Come on, we've got something to show him.
Taxi! You can touch it if you like.
Imagine the hands that made it, 400 years ago.
And each piece of dyed wool being chosen.
Imagine the work that went into it.
Nope.
Don't like it.
Gives me a bad taste in the mouth.
I gotta sell these things.
You got anything else? What about these? Oh, no, you don't want anything to do with those.
Get in there and sell, Tink.
I'll settle up.
£126.
60? - That's awfully decent of you, Lovejoy.
- Don't mention it, Geoffrey.
Texas! - Tinker! How the hell are you, boy? - Very, very well.
Erm, what do you mean, you don't like it? - I think it's beautiful! - Nah.
Now, these here are beautiful.
What are they? Cotmans? - No.
- Yes.
- Texas! - Lovejoy! - You're looking for something special? - I need special.
Something that'll go down big Stateside? - You know I do, boy.
- Take a look at this.
- This is special.
- It's a gun.
Not just any gun.
This is Ulysses S Grant's hunting rifle.
President Grant's? That's the one, the hero of the Appomattox.
- The Yankee general.
- The same! Grant the Butcher.
You know, towards the end of his life, he was so poor, he had to sell everything.
Like this.
You got proof it's his gun? Original ledgers with the name and the gun noted, but we can do better than that.
George.
Step forward.
Meet the crucible of the gunsmith's art, George Wilson.
His great-grandpappy made that.
- Is this true? - It's Ulysses Grant's gun.
And I can buy it.
- It's expensive.
- Very expensive.
You bet! It's unique.
American heritage.
Now, that's what I call special.
I say, this is awfully good! He wants the gun, Geoffrey.
Not that.
- Lovejoy, Mr Greenberg likes the Cotmans.
- One thing at a time, Alice.
I like both.
I tell you what, I'll do a deal on the gun and them there pictures.
- Your lucky day, Lovejoy.
- And mine.
- I'm happy.
- I wish I were.
What am I going to do with that? I think it's the most amazing thing I've ever seen.
Would 15,000 sound about right? About right! Oh, don't let's go through that again!