M*A*S*H (MASH) s06e05 Episode Script

##[Big Band On P.
A.
.]
[Charles.]
Dear Mother and Dad I have only been here a short while, but it seems forever.
MASH 4077 is truly a nightmare.
It is either too cold or it is unbearably hot.
I needn't tell you again I won't be happy until I am out of here.
I have even contemplated shooting myself in the foot.
But you know how much I enjoy the annual Debs' Cotillion.
Mail! Hunnicutt.
Hunnicutt.
Hunnicutt.
Pierce.
And two for our high-class society major, Winchester.
Klinger, you are really full of it.
- We are what we eat, sir.
- [Chuckles.]
Almost forgot.
Captain Pierce's nudist magazine.
Hmm.
A nudist wedding.
- The bride is wearing white sneakers.
- My Lord! - Sir? - My nephew Felix is being discharged from the service because of fainting spells.
- Really, sir? - Mm-hmm, and very strange.
Everything seems to go a sort of dark gray.
- Yes? Yes? - And then he experiences dizziness.
- Go on.
- And then he swoons and, uh, passes out.
Ohh! Klinger, come off it.
When a person faints, he falls forward.
False alarm.
[Groans.]
Mail! Somebody sent me a person.
Come on, Klinger.
Up, up.
- Where am I? - Let's go.
Up.
Oh! Captain Pierce.
You got here just in time.
- The craziest thing happened.
- Oh, yeah? Suddenly, everything went a dark gray.
Then I experienced dizziness.
Then I fainted, falling forward.
What is that? - I think you got a whiff of your own breath.
- Oh, sorry.
My mother sent me a garlic pie.
Want dibs? - I had an apple on the train.
- [Potter On P.
A.
.]
Attention, all personnel.
Colonel Potter speaking.
Klinger, where the hell's the mail? - I love that man.
- [B.
J.
.]
Uh-oh.
- Peg got poison oak.
- Where? - In the woods.
- That can be painful.
Frazier Continental down seven points.
[B.
J.
.]
Who are they playing? A major financial loss is hardly a laughing matter.
- I apologize.
- Do you expect me to believe that? - I wouldn't if I were you.
- This is incredible! - What, what? - I'm going to heaven.
- That is incredible.
- Beej.
- You remember Nurse Gilmore? - Yeah, she was engaged to the navy dentist.
She just became disengaged.
All of a sudden the red light has turned green and she's inviting me to spend the weekend with her in Seoul.
Sounds like she's making a three-day pass at you.
I can't believe it.
To think that someone with such grace, wit, sensibility, intelligence and charm would be sending for little old me.
- Who'd have thought it? - Certainly not I.
This woman has the patent on wonderful.
Smell that.
Is she wonderful? - Yeah, wonderful.
- Oh! That's wonderful.
Pity you have to decline the invitation, Pierce.
You are Officer of the Day all weekend.
- Beej, take O.
D.
For me, will ya? - I can't.
I'm in O.
R.
- [Chuckling.]
- Charles, come on, as a friend.
- Not even as an enemy.
- Charles! Sorry.
O.
D.
? O.
D.
Is a duty.
I've already done mine.
Weekend's your turn.
Look, I'll take all your duty for the next three days if you'll just work this weekend.
I hate working weekends.
What difference does it make? Every day is a holiday in Korea.
- It's just the thought.
- I'll let you use my aftershave.
- Kerosene makes me break out.
- Money? You can't buy me.
How much? How much did you lose on the Frazier Continental thing? - Four thousand dollars.
- Deal.
Come on! How much have you really got? - Twelve dollars and 80 cents.
- Ha! - Boutonniere money.
- He'll owe you the rest.
- Sorry.
- Charles, you don't understand! This woman This She Roses have fistfights to see who could smell like her.
Her wit is so sharp, you could shave with it.
When they heard the sound of her laughter, six nightingales got out of the business.
- This She's got - All right, all right, all right.
I'm giving in merely because I can use a three-day vacation from you.
Now, please don't get the idea that I'm doing it because I am generous or worse, amiable.
Trust me.
No one will ever think of you as anything but completely rotten.
- Thank you.
- [Giggling.]
- Oh, listen, I need some clean shirts.
- The laundry lady broke her rock.
Why don't these people get a service contract? - I need shirts, shorts, socks and a jeep.
- What size jeep? - Thirty-four.
Loose in the seat.
- You could use a haircut.
Let's see Klinger about the jeep.
- How's my nostril hair? - I'd look, but I'm afraid of the dark.
Sorry.
A brief interruption.
Pierce and Hunnicutt were regaling each other with their version of wit dirty laundry and nose hair.
Constant exposure to these two cretins annoys me and aggravates my-my misery more than I can tell you but, always hopeful I am endearing myself to the C.
O the man responsible for my presence in this cesspool.
He's a tough, bandy-legged little mustang, but guess what? He paints.
He's somewhat of a primitive.
He's no Churchill, surely, but I have agreed to pose for him.
Raise your chin a little, Winchester.
Boy, you've got a tough ear.
It's all lobe.
- Dad's.
- Fat-eared cuss, eh? May I speak, sir? Long as you don't move that ear.
Sir, I have been here interminably.
- Time flies when you've got good duty.
- Sir, you don't understand.
- I feel that my talents are such that - I cleaned your brushes, sir.
- Good man.
- I couldn't find any turpentine, so I used yesterday's soup.
- Cleanest they've been in years.
- Gee, that's wonderful, sir.
- Thank you.
- Who is that? Guess.
I better go polish your horse.
As I was saying, sir - I feel I could be more useful in Tokyo or even the States.
- Not to me, Commissioner.
This meatball surgery of yours is causing my skills to deteriorate.
- They're wasting away! - Don't change the color of your face! I'm out of umber! - And I'm out of patience! This place is driving me mad! - Cool off, Winchester! - How can I cool off in this godforsaken pesthole? - You're here, so get used to it.
You haven't lifted a finger to get me transferred.
- That's right, and I don't intend to.
- I think you ought to consider Not again, Major! I've had enough of your beefing! I need you here, and you'll stay here like the rest of us.
Here.
Your face is finished.
Father, you must know someone influential.
I know what about that former brigadier general who's now a doorman at The Plaza? I understand he's very close to Arthur Godfrey.
Well, keep trying.
Please.
Interesting thing about military units quite often, one discovers that the actual day-to-day routine is dependent upon one small enlisted man.
Here at 4077 it's a myopic farm boy, Corporal Radar O'Reilly.
Okay, there's a razor in here and some shaving cream and a toothbrush.
Ooh, by the way, I, uh, got you two T-shirts from the officers' supply.
- Gee, that's really - Shh, shh, shh.
If anybody found out, I wouldn't be allowed to see the movie for a month.
- Oh.
Shh.
- Saturday's Bogart.
[Imitating Bogart.]
Waiter, if me and the boys wanted to eat mucilage - we would've ordered mucilage.
- [Chuckling.]
Hey, listen, remember what Captain Hunnicutt said about your pills.
The purple ones are for pain.
That's "P" for pain, "P" for purple.
The white ones are for sleep.
"W" for white, "W" for sleep.
"W" for Well, you can work that out.
- Hey, all that's on the bottles.
- Oh, yeah.
That's a good idea.
Okay, your bus leaves in an hour.
Get to the departure lounge early.
That's the dead tree by the latrine.
Listen, Corporal, my buddy in that bed leaves tomorrow.
Can I stay one more day and go with him? We've been together since basic.
- Oh, sure.
I could work that out.
- Certainly not.
You go when you're scheduled, soldier.
- Thanks for nothin'.
- Don't worry about him.
I can fix it.
Captain? He's the chief surgeon.
What is it, Radar? I'm in a hurry.
I gotta get my body to Seoul.
Yes, sir.
McCloud wants to wait till tomorrow and go home with his buddy but Major Winchester says he's gotta go today.
Winchester, Winchester.
Tall chap? Looks like a cat who swallowed a sour mouse? Don't worry about it.
Go tomorrow.
What does the war care? Hey, thank you, sir.
Say, you carry a lot of weight around here.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, listen while you're waiting, have you seen our cockroach collection? Uh, no.
Takes an hour, but it's well worth the time.
The humidity here is disastrous.
Please send me some deodorant.
I don't care about the others I don't want to offend myself.
To continue about Corporal O'Reilly I upset him the other day, which I can ill-afford to do.
His telephone is my sole contact with the outside world.
I must attempt to mollify him and try to contact Tokyo.
Corporal, I was rather harsh with you in post-op.
Remember? Well, I brought you this case of grape Nehi as an apology.
Oh, grape Nehi.
At Rosie's it costs me a buck a bottle.
Price is no object when you're doing something for a friend.
- [Overlapping.]
Colonel Potter says no long distance - I wanna make a call - phone calls.
- To Colonel Baldwin in Seoul.
- How did you know I was gonna say that? - That's why they call me "Radar.
" - This is an emergency.
- [Overlapping.]
Even in an emergency.
Can you tell me what I'm about to say now? Yes, sir, but I promised Father Mulcahy I wouldn't use those words.
- [Door Slamming.]
- [Bottle Top Popping Open.]
Come on, Beej.
You gotta have a pair of pajamas.
Look around.
You had a pair when you got here.
I had a lot of things when I got here faith, hope, sanity, a liver.
Ahh! Charming.
- I wouldn't wear that.
- You're right.
It's too hot for fur.
- Wait, wait, wait! - What, what, what? Don't throw it toward the kitchen.
You know how they are.
- [Groaning.]
- Oh, good.
One down, two to go.
- Charlie, you got pajamas.
Just lend me one pair.
- No.
- Just the tops.
- No.
- The bottoms.
You can keep the string.
- Forget it.
All right, but you're no longer my best friend.
What about you? No pajamas, Hawk.
You'll have to rely on your personality.
- Gotcha a jeep.
- Great! - Klinger, can you loan him some pajamas? - No.
But I got a lovely, low-cut peignoir chickadee red with Oriental peacocks embroidered over each breast.
- Sounds pretty risque.
- Should be for eight books of green stamps.
Get outta here! Socks, shorts, shirts Aftershave.
- Ah, be my guest.
Babalu Number Five.
- Ah.
One for the master.
One for the desk clerk.
And one for the little girl who waits in the room.
- Laundry.
- Oh, good.
You got your rock fixed.
- Five bucks.
- See him.
- Five bucks.
- He gets the cleaning, and I get cleaned.
Shirts, socks, shorts Ahh! Pajamas! - Those are mine, Pierce.
- Just for two nights.
No.
My mother gave me these for my birthday.
- It's time they went to a party.
- Pierce, come on With my compliments.
[Man On P.
A.
.]
Attention, all personnel.
Incoming wounded.
- No, no, no, no! I'm going to Seoul.
- Let's go, lover.
No, you don't understand.
Gilmore, roses, nightingales, room service.
No, no, no.
O.
R.
Blood, sutures, scalpels.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Dad, you have got to get me out of here.
Talk to Senator Griswold.
After all, you paid good money for him.
I am doing my best to adjust to these bizarre people.
There is a transvestite corporal with dreadful taste in clothes and a head nurse who is part seductress and part Attila the Hun.
You did beautifully, Doctor, removing shrapnel from that liver.
Thank you.
I was graded quite highly in liver.
- I didn't know you had a sense of humor.
- I haven't.
I suppose you've performed that operation a hundred times.
Hardly.
There's very little shrapnel flying around Boston.
You do have a sense of humor.
Humor is the opiate of the incompetent.
Terrific words just roll right out of your mouth.
It must be wonderful.
No, my dear.
Brilliance can be very lonely.
Things are getting a dark gray.
The room is swimming.
- I'm going! I'm going! Save the towels! - Oh, Klinger.
Pay no attention.
It's a new discharge ploy.
Big mistake.
Always know your audience.
I hate a guy who stays through two shows.
- Oh! Oh! - Something wrong? My eye.
There's something in I think there's something in my eye.
- Would you mind? - No.
I'll get closer.
I see no foreign matter.
You have such small pores.
A Winchester never perspires.
- There's absolutely nothing in your eye.
- I can feel it.
I'll check again.
Oh, terribly sorry.
I didn't mean to interrupt.
Oh, dear.
Father, there's no need for "Oh, dear.
" I'm a married woman.
Oh, yes, of course.
I forgot.
Well, pax vobiscum.
I'm not sure he believes there was no hanky panky.
- Well, there wasn't.
- Then why are you sweating? I can see her now, checking her watch for the 60th time this minute.
Watch what you're doing.
You'll turn yourself into a living statue.
- I gotta get to Seoul.
- As long as you're plastering yourself you might as well do the walls too.
- Colonel, I gotta talk to you.
- Hurry up, before that stuff on your mouth hardens.
What do I have to do to get out of here? I operated on 30 people.
I bandaged everybody in post-op three times.
I repaired the anesthesia machine.
I mixed enough plaster of Paris to plaster Paris.
And speaking of Paris, if I don't amours toujours in Seoul ce soir you're gonna have an unknown soldier on your hands.
- Okay, I'll stand in for you.
- Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
I'd give you a hug, but in my condition I might not be able to stop.
B.
J.
, Corporal Graham's bleeding and going into shock.
I'll have to open him up again.
Go! - Sorry, son.
- Who's complaining? Look at me.
I'm one foot closer to Seoul.
[Charles.]
Our spiritual guide through this Oriental purgatory is a cock-eyed optimist who sounds like Dennis Day.
- Ah! Good news, Major.
- Hello.
- Hot water thawed? - Better.
One of your patients will recover.
Don't pull your cross on me, Lieutenant.
Oh! Forgive me.
What I mean is Doren, that highly critical patient was saved by your operation.
- Oh.
- My prayers were answered.
- Thank God.
- Thank me, Father.
I'd prefer to think that my surgical skills are responsible.
Aha! That's what I prayed for.
[Charles.]
One of my tent mates is a relatively inoffensive chap named B.
J.
Hunnicutt.
Excellent surgeon, in spite of the fact that he was born, raised and studied in California.
Notwithstanding, he's certainly no adult delinquent like Pierce.
I was quite touched by Hunnicutt's concern for my mysterious loss of weight a month ago.
- Hunnicutt.
- Winchester.
- Where's your friend Pierce? - Today's Thursday.
- So? - Nurses hang their underwear on the line.
He takes a sandwich and makes a day of it.
Nudist magazines, underwear watching.
- Why this constant preoccupation with sex? - Lack of occupation with sex.
[Chuckles.]
Good Lord.
What's the matter? Well, l I never noticed it before.
I seem to have dropped some weight.
You certainly have.
Must not be eating enough.
- Well, I can't stand the food.
- [Chuckles.]
Tell you what you gotta do.
When you've been here as long as I have, you learn to use internal propaganda.
You brain has to teach your taste buds to lie to your stomach.
You've, uh, made that adjustment? - Not necessary for me.
My wife's a lousy cook.
- Oh, come now.
Oh, really? You don't believe me? Try some of this cake.
But be careful.
- See? - Mmm.
No, now, wait.
This isn't bad.
- Really? - In fact, it's delicious.
- Very good.
You catch on fast.
Take some more.
- Well, one piece perhaps.
- No, no, no.
Take the whole thing.
- Oh, I couldn't.
- Please.
- Thank you.
My.
This food is disappointing.
Forgive the cook, Father, for he knows not what he does.
That's a great deal of food, Major.
The man's been losing weight, Father, wasting away.
- Well, he looks the same to me.
- Looks the same, you say? This frail, emaciated nebbish is not the same robust surgeon who recently swelled our ranks.
Put a little pepper in your powdered eggs.
It kills the warehouse flavor.
Well, I still can't see any difference.
Father, observe the hollowed cheeks, sunken eyes.
Soon, you can play xylophone on these ribs.
Ooh! That burns.
- I'll take that sweet roll, Hunnicutt.
- Be my guest, Charles.
- We'll have those pants filled out in no time.
- Here, take this.
- Potatoes? - Rumor has it.
- Drink your milk, Charles.
- Thank you, Hunnicutt.
- Don't talk with your mouth full.
Eat, eat.
- [Muttering.]
All clear.
Now, whose are these? - Levine's.
- Beanpole Levine? - The same.
- I'm glad you're not my enemy.
Never assume.
Check the door.
Clap hands.
Here comes Charlie.
- [Laughing.]
- Shh, shh, shh! - You're a vicious fiend.
- Worse than you? - By far.
- Nicest thing you ever said to me.
Thank you.
- Oh, my pleasure.
- My pleasure.
- Anytime.
- Do I actually hear the sound of manners? - This is a recording.
- Of course.
- Hey, does this look like fungus? - Hmm? You're going to meet a curly headed woman with a large mole and a DeSoto sedan.
[Scoffs.]
The Fulcrum school of comedy.
Raise your arms and lower the humor.
- You all right, Charles? - Everything okay? Yes.
I can't seem to button my trousers.
- You've forgotten how? - No.
Well, I've been eating like a horse for the past month.
I seem to have put about three inches around the middle.
Oh.
Well, it's time it's time for a diet.
- Maybe some exercise.
- Yes, and now.
- Now.
- Mm-hmm.
So, uh, what's next with him? Starting tomorrow, he gets taller.
What a time to get hit with another load of wounded.
I should've been in Seoul in Gilmore's arms last night.
- She'll keep.
- If room service doesn't run out of ice.
More silk.
More 3.
0 silk.
Come on, hurry! Come on.
[Potter.]
Slow down, hot pants.
This'll be your last patient, I promise.
[Father.]
Anybody need any help? Father, would you run down to the Regency Hotel in Seoul and keep a young lady company until I get there? - You I can trust.
- [Chuckles.]
I'm afraid she'll have to settle for the Gideon Bible.
[Charles.]
Now, you see here, what I've done here is I've done the anastomosis in two layers chromic for the mucosa and silk for the serosa.
This way, see, it won't have to be redone later.
Come on, Charles.
You've taken twice as long with that guy as necessary.
Patch 'em up and save their lives.
Let Tokyo General press the lapels.
If it wasn't for you, I could've been out of here an hour ago.
I'm merely sharing my expertise with the less learned.
Oh, put it in a sack.
Klinger! Somewhere through a misty haze I hear my name called.
- Any more patients out there? - Just one.
- Bring him in.
- He's here.
Up! Up! One more phony faint, and you're on the front lines.
- Now get this patient into post-op.
- Sir, you're turning mean.
After 12 hours of surgery, what do you expect, Albert Schweitzer? Out! Out! - Need any help, Pierce? - Almost finished.
Ha! A scar is born.
And with that, I bid you a hasty adieu.
Bye, all.
Your jeep'll be here in a minute.
Klinger, I thank you, and Nancy thanks you if she's still speaking to us.
- You know, that uniform looks great.
- It's one of a kind.
Uh-huh.
My mother made it for me for the school play out of crepe paper.
Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your - [Vehicle Approaching.]
- [Sighs.]
- [Honking Horn.]
- [Klinger.]
Captain! Captain! Captain Pierce? Hey, Captain, time to go.
Come on.
You know.
Ahh.
Thanks, Nancy.
[Sighs.]
Finally, a peaceful moment to conclude this tape.
The would-be Lothario Pierce is sound asleep and the 38-hour day is done.
Now, Mother and Dad I will put this as eloquently and succinctly as possible.
Get me the hell out of here!