My Family (2000) s06e05 Episode Script

- Tea, darling? - Oh, I don't care.
- Still got your headache? - It's been two weeks.
- That's a long time for a headache.
- No.
Headache's only since yesterday.
It's been two weeks since I've had any - Janey! - Well, you asked.
I asked if you wanted tea.
Do you always get a headache if you go too long without any? Don't you? No.
I only get headaches when I don't want any But who wouldn't want any? Oh, that's right.
You're married to Dad.
'Elp! 'Elp! - There's been a terrible murder.
- Oh, my head.
I'm afeared.
You ain't seen Jack the Ripper, 'ave you? No.
Ben won't be home for an hour.
'Elp! 'Elp! He's disembowelling ladies of the night.
My kind ain't safe, they aren't.
Abi, I'm glad you're enjoying your new job, but please leave the whore at the door.
Meryl Streep doesn't drop out of character when she gets home.
Meryl Streep doesn't get L4.
40 an hour as a street strumpet at the London Dungeon.
I'm not a strumpet.
I am a Victorian hussy.
Strumpets only get L3.
40 an hour.
Did you know that Victorian gentlemen visited ladies of the night an average of 8.
5 times a year? Oh, I'd settle for the point five.
God, I need an aspirin.
Oh, 'ello, ducks.
Fancy a roll, squire? Why can't you talk to me like that? Oh, blimey! It's the Peelers! Look lively! At what point did I lose control of this household? At what point did you have control of this household? Ah-ha.
Guess what.
Just bumped into old Mr Wilberforce from next door.
Yup.
Sold his house.
Oh, that's a shame.
We were talking about buying his house and doing it up, weren't we? - Were we? - Yes.
A couple of months ago.
- We were watching Property Ladder.
- Property? We were saying it would be something we could do together.
Yup, yup.
Fog's clearing.
Remember now.
- Wasn't there a little financial side? - Yes.
Well - Too late now, eh? - Yes.
Shame, yes.
Shame.
Oh, well.
Pity.
You'd like the new neighbours.
- You've met them? Are they nice? - Lovely.
He's very nice.
She's a bit You know, moany.
Hello? Have a hint.
It's us.
- What? - Yeah.
- You bought the house? - I thought "moany" was a giveaway.
- You bought Mr Wilberforce's house? - I certainly did.
You stupid, stupid man! - What? - How could you without asking me? It wouldn't be a surprise if you knew about it.
- Well, unsurprise me.
- I can't.
I've just exchanged contracts.
Susan, hello? We've talked about it.
You just quoted the entire conversation.
You never usually listen.
If I hadn't have bought it, some property developer would have moved in.
This way we can do it up ourselves, sell it on, make a quick profit, easy chain, bing-bang, bad-a-boom.
- You're a suburban dentist, not Tony Soprano.
- We both kill people.
You've got no idea what's involved in something like this.
What is your problem? We can slap some magnolia on the walls, sand the floorboards, slam in a new cooker and - bingo! - made 100 grand.
- Who's going to do this? - We'll get a man in.
That's your answer to everything.
It's not that easy, Ben.
Tell me about it.
Any chance I might get a little more of this duvet? OK.
Just inquiring.
Susan, you're acting like remortgaging our house is the biggest thing in the world.
Look, come on.
We'll be in and out of there before anyone even notices.
You're the expert at that.
Get us out of this, Ben.
- Well, if that's what you really want - It is.
OK.
Shame really.
I was gonna let you redesign it.
- What? - Yeah.
Yeah.
I thought your touch might get us an extra ten grand but no, I'm just being silly.
I always thought I had a certain flair for interior design.
I was being a fool.
Let's forget it.
Who needs the aggro? - Well, I suppose I could take a look.
- No, no, no.
Too big a job.
Nope, nope.
I mean, you have the talent.
- But do I have the time? - Exactly.
I mean, you're up to your eyeballs in in whatever it is you do all day.
I suppose I could rip out the carpets, change the wallpaper, choose the colour scheme.
I bet they have all the original features I could expose.
You could expose anything you want.
You know why? Because you'd own it.
- Let's do it.
- Oh, you think? - Yes.
- I hate it when you get like this.
Ben, show some enthusiasm.
Susan, I feel like you're twisting my arm.
(Murmurs encouragingly) But if it's gonna make you happy Ben, guess who I bumped into earlier today.
My best friend from school, Carol Ashcroft.
I've found a perfect girlfriend for Michael.
Won't Carol be a little old for Michael? Not Carol.
Her daughter, Suzanne.
Stop playing Cupid, for God's sake.
Why not? That's how we got together.
I rest my case.
She's a wonderful young woman and I've invited her round for tea.
Tea? Who are you, Elizabeth Bennett? Is the regiment about to decamp? You read one Penguin Classic in your whole life and that's your only reference.
It's not a date.
It's just an introduction.
- There's absolutely no pressure.
- (Doorbell rings) - That's Michael's new girlfriend.
- Susan! He's not even met her yet.
He might hate her.
Nonsense.
She's the most charming girl.
She's got a great personality, she's incredibly vivacious and she's drop-dead gorgeous.
Suzanne, come in.
This is my husband, Ben.
- Good God.
- Don't you look lovely? I was just about to say the same to you.
(Identical laughing) I repeat - good God.
Come in.
Sit down.
- Isn't she stunning? - Shocking more like.
Michael, could you come down? - Susan, no good can come of this.
- Give her a chance.
No.
Track her back to the mother ship and destroy them all.
- Michael, I had nothing to do with this.
- What are you talking about? I'd like to introduce you to someone.
This is Suzanne.
- Take your hands out of your pockets.
- Sorry.
Come on through.
That's the best argument against cloning I've ever seen.
Mikey? Mikey, did you notice anything special about Suzanne? She's got a great bum.
Alfie.
Alfie, I'm glad you're here.
I want you to look at somebody and tell me who she looks like.
Come on, Alfie.
Come on, boy.
Up you come.
Come on, up.
Out your basket.
Come on.
Alfie.
Come on, Alfie.
Come.
Alfie! Come by Fine.
All right.
All right.
What's it all about, Alfie? It's the anniversary of my dog's death.
Oh I'm so sorry.
And there's me treating you like a dog.
It's so typical.
I've just All right.
Come on.
Beg.
Um Tell.
Shep died two years ago today.
He was 18.
No age really.
He was pretty much my best friend and the anniversaries are tough.
Well, last year was easier because my mother died and it distracted me.
You can always get another dog.
Not while you're living here.
Gotta go.
Gotta see this again.
Whoa, two Susans.
Alfie? - You look a bit down.
- I am a bit.
Oh.
Is there anything I can do to cheer you up? It would have to be quick.
I've got 20 minutes.
Oh No, thanks.
I think I'll go for a ride on my bike.
I tried that.
It just makes it worse.
I am the master of all I survey.
I just happened to be tiptoeing past Michael's room and guess what I heard.
Come on.
Every boy does that.
He was talking to Suzanne.
- I think it's going to work.
- I don't think so.
No way on earth.
- Why not? - Because she's you.
- What? - She's you.
The hair, the face, the laugh.
She's a carbon copy with a little less carbon.
Don't be ridiculous.
Besides, what would be so wrong about that? Well Nothing.
Just a little bit freakish, if you don't mind me saying.
I mean, what if it gets to the point where they sleep together and then Michael realises she looks like you? You sleep with me and I look like me.
Yeah, but Michael's got his whole life ahead of him.
I'm starting to get a little offended.
Suzanne looks nothing like me.
She has a certain timeless grace like me.
Other than that, I don't see it.
Trust me, Susan.
If you let this relationship go ahead, the only thing Michael's going to be able to make love to in ten years' time is one of your old dresses.
The coral tiles would look good with the mirrored splashback.
And you know what would look fab with the raspberry silk drapes? (Both) Embroidered pelmets.
Oh, that's spooky.
Ooh.
That's creepy.
Hello, darling.
We were just going through swatches and paint charts.
Spend whatever you like.
Indulge your fantasies.
- As long as you buy it at trade prices.
- Speaking of trade Morning, Abi.
- Is it? - Oh, dear.
Not looking forward to work? Not really, no.
I don't know.
Somehow it's lost its magic.
Oh, well.
Back to the daily grind.
Hello, love.
Fancy a quick knee trembler? Only tuppence.
Couldn't you try and talk to me like that? - Excuse me? - I was talking to my wife.
- Biscuit? - Oh, the coconut macaroon's gone.
That's my favourite too.
(Both) Double spooky.
(Doorbell rings) Hello, Ben.
I just saw a chap putting up a Sold sign on the house next door.
I had no idea it was available.
I bought it, Roger.
As an investment.
I'm going to do it up for a quick profit.
Would you consider selling it to me? N nope.
Why not? Then I could live next door.
That's why not.
We're not 100% sure what we're going to do with it.
We'll keep you in mind, but I think we'll keep it as a holiday home.
Oh.
That makes sense.
Good to have somewhere to unwind.
That's what I'm trying to do now.
- I'd pay anything for it.
- Offer dismissed.
Anything else? There was something very important regarding work - Abi's not here.
- OK.
I'll see you at the surgery then.
Ah.
Hi, Mikey.
I wish you wouldn't call me that when Suzanne is here.
Or ever really.
- What do you want me to call you? - How about "stud"? OK, spud.
Listen.
Does Suzanne remind you of anyone? After last night, Paris Hilton.
Right.
Well Please, Mikey.
Suzanne's an exact copy of your mother.
- What are you talking about? - Come here.
Ready? (Identical giggling) Oh, my God! - Do you need to throw up? - I'm like Oedipus.
- I want to rip my eyes out.
- What? It's a classic Greek play.
If it's not a film, Michael, I'm not going to know, am I? I can't wait to see what you've done to our little goldmine.
Don't expect too much.
I've only had a few days.
Hey, we could do this again.
Buy another house, sell it on.
We could become those kind of people.
We are those kind of people.
- Let me carry you over the threshold.
- Oh, Ben.
- Maybe we should save the threshold.
- OK.
- Come on.
- I'm trying.
It's stuck.
Leave it.
It's my idea.
Let me do it.
- (Dog growls) - Yes? Um Who are you? - Who wants to know? - Um me.
I own this house.
Oh, pleased to meet you.
Nice property you've got.
Lots of potential.
Yes.
Well, we think so.
Sorry.
Um Little confused.
Who are you? Forgive me.
I should have introduced myself formally.
My name is Terry and for the foreseeable future, I will be your squatter.
- What? - (Growling) I'd invite you in, but I'd hate to see Margot rip your face off.
Go in and sort him out, Ben.
Are you insane? While I'm this angry, I'd kill the man.
Another home-made biscuit, Officer? No, thank you, madam.
I'm still waiting for this one to soften.
Are you telling me there's nothing you can do to get that squatter out of my house? I'm afraid not, sir.
Unfortunately, the law is weighted in the lawbreaker's favour.
One day a real rain's gonna come and wash the scum off the streets.
Until then, all I can do is file a report.
But they broke into a private property.
I saw no sign of forced entry.
My guess is someone left a window open.
A window open?! Please! In this day and age? - This is not 1955.
- Oh.
What do you mean, "Oh"? Just a crack.
To let the paint dry.
There was nothing there to steal.
They stole a four-bedroomed house.
If this was a fascist state I'd be able to help you out.
Just my luck to be living in a law-abiding democracy.
Is there any more aspirin? Alfie's been singing about that damned dog for hours.
A man in uniform.
Hello, hello, hello.
Janey, this is Constable Mussolini.
He's trying to help us with our squatter problem.
- And failing miserably.
- Can I ask a question? - Yes.
- What time do you get off? I'm sorry, miss.
I'm married.
To the job.
Can you at least frisk me before you leave? I'll wear the handcuffs.
Please! They grow up so fast, don't they? My dog and I Go together like a jacket and a tie In stormy weather you can't get us out the door We'd rather lie there on the floor Till the clouds roll by My dog and I Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof Means I love you (Whistles) Come here, boy (Whistles) Come here, boy Means I love you too My We've sat through this stupid song three times.
I like it.
Sing it again, Alfie.
No, no.
I should probably leave you two alone.
Don't go.
You two have each other.
I just have my memories.
Although, of course, you can't throw a Frisbee to your memories.
- What's the matter? - Nothing.
You've been acting strangely all day.
Which surprises me after the other night.
I don't want to talk about it.
You seemed pretty vocal then.
Especially when I did this.
And this.
Oh, Michael.
You spilt tea all over your new shirt.
I'll never get that out.
That's it.
I'm out of here.
These policemen keep fit.
That bloke could really run.
You think you've got troubles.
I've been sleeping with my mother.
(Doorbell plays Greensleeves) (Crashing) - I hate Greensleeves.
- Ah.
Hey, Terry.
It's that tosser from next door.
- (Dog growling) - (Terry) Who? It's the tosser from next door, Terry.
- (Growling) - I'll just put a muzzle on Margot! That would be nice.
Filthy habit, ain't it? What do you want? This is for you to welcome you to the neighbourhood.
We have quince jelly, fresh asparagus, some gnocchi.
- And Belgian truffles.
- Thanks.
I'll do a Nigella with that later.
Prep that.
- Want to come in? - No.
Don't want to disturb you.
You're busy doing squatting in there.
No.
I can always make time for you.
You have to take us as you find us.
Ah Wipe your feet.
Oh, wow.
Terry.
Oh, Terry.
This is I love what you've done with the place.
A lot of people wouldn't know what colour towels to put in their windows.
- (Crashing) - What's that? Jimmy's making an ensuite.
You got a problem with that? No.
Not at all.
A lot of relationships go wrong battling over one bathroom.
Terry, look This is a fantastic starter home, but let's not forget there's a whole world of buildings with fantastic squat potential.
Through the magic of this property magazine, let me walk you Let me save you the trouble.
I know what you're doing here.
You've come here with your basket and property magazines.
The next step is money, right? Actually, no.
The next step was going to be two tickets to Les Misérables.
- Seen it.
Disappointing.
- Really? It's neither opera nor musical.
Isn't that funny? Because I cried like a baby.
I loved it What am I doing? What is going on here? Stop this.
I bought this house.
This is my house.
I paid good money for it and you lot just waltz in.
It's been nice.
I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
I've got people coming over.
(Grunts) - (Roars) - (Crash) - I can have you arrested.
- No, you can't.
- Yes, I can.
This is so unfair.
- Yeah.
My life's a bowl of cherries.
- Is the tosser staying for lunch? - I don't think so.
Don't over-chill the Chablis.
It takes all the nuttiness out.
Ben, don't be a stranger.
You know where we live.
Is there no way I can make you leave? - You just had your chance.
- What do you mean? If you'd have asked me to leave when you was on the premises, legally I would have had to go.
Fortunately for me, you didn't.
Listen, you.
I want my house back! It's my house My house.
Oh, Susan was so right.
I am a stupid man.
Stupid, stupid man.
Stupid man.
Hello, neighbour.
I've been waiting years to hear you say that.
Come in, neighbour.
Roger, you understand I'm not gonna give you the house cheaply because you're my friend.
I wouldn't let you do that.
- You'll pay what I paid, plus costs.
- What changed your mind? I see you every day at work but, Roger, it's just not enough.
Oh you! Ah-ah.
Hands.
Sorry.
Anyway, neighbour let's go and have a look at the house.
No, no need.
Identical to this, only nicer.
But surely I'd be naive to part with this sort of money without an inspection of the property? OK.
OK.
OK.
You're gonna be like this as a neighbour, are you? You're gonna be like this, untrusting? - I'm sorry, Ben.
- Why do you hurt me? - I didn't mean to - I know you didn't mean to, but you did.
You know - I'm sorry, Ben.
- It's OK.
I'm really very sorry.
OK.
Apology accepted.
Call your solicitor.
Get those funds transferred before close of business.
- Right? - Yeah.
Right.
I dumped the house on Roger! I dumped the house on Roger! La la la la bam! Whoargh! Ha, ha, ha! I dumped the house on Roger I dumped the house on Roger La la la la boom! La la la la boom! La la la la la (Fades) (Sings softly) Well, it's not my fault.
Roger's not into the property market.
You know, it's I mean, OK, so he's got squatters.
We've got kids.
It's gonna cost him less in the long run.
You can talk till you're blue in the face.
I'm not letting Roger out of the deal.
Not I'll call him tomorrow OK? I'll go now.
I'll go and get him.
(Quietly) Roger! Roger.
Oh, what a shame.
Oh, I've missed him.
(Laughs evilly) I don't think you should have sold me the house if you knew it had squatters We could spend all night playing the blame game.
- Maybe it's my fault.
Maybe it's yours.
- It's your fault.
Fine.
Shift the blame.
What's important is that I'm helping you get your squatters out of your house.
That's the kind of person I am.
Plus my wife is making me do it.
It would be easier if I gave you the money back - Yes, please.
- Or or Just hear me out.
We could break in and reclaim the house.
Are you with me, Roger? I'd rather have the money.
I wish I'd invented Google, but it's a bit late for that.
Let's go.
- But what if they hit us? - Roger, we're dentists.
We can fix our own teeth.
Come on.
Let's go.
Why am I here again? - You said you were a boxer.
- No.
My dog was a boxer.
Then you can look after their dog.
(Fumbling and groaning) Oh Ow! (Roger) God, I hurt my coccyx.
(Ben) Would you stop complaining? I'm trying to get your house back for you.
- (Roger, panting) It's very dark.
- (Ben) Tell me something I don't know.
(Gasps nervously) Alfie, where did you come from? - The front door was open.
- (Dog growling) Alfie, this is your moment.
Sing to the dog.
My dog and I Go together like a jacket and tie - What's all this? - Who turned the lights on? My God.
We've broken into the wrong house.
No, you haven't, Ben Harper.
Congratulations.
You've just been made over by Style Squad.
Oh, Style Squad! I love that programme, with its unique fusion of interior design and squatting.
The highlight of every programme is seeing the look of joy on the delighted homeowner's face.
If you knew, why didn't you tell me? I've been so blinded with grief about Shep, I haven't been able to think straight.
- Where's the dog? - Right here.
- (Growling) - Down, boy.
Did I just say coccyx on national television? I don't get this.
Why me? Why you? Why you, Ben? Roll the videotape.
- Hello, Dad - Michael.
Sorry I couldn't be there, but I'm next door where you can't hit me.
I told Style Squad how hilarious you'd be under pressure.
And he was, Michael, he was! I liked you better as a squatter.
Play the game.
This is the bit where most people have fun with the surprise.
But, Terry, I am not "most people".
Just think, Ben, how much value we've added to your home.
It could have gone up by 30%.
Really? Well, that's Well I'm going to be rich.
Actually, I think you'll find I'm going to be rich.
- Thanks, Style Squad.
- I need to throw up.
Now you have three bathrooms to choose from.
I am the rightful owner of this house and I demand that you leave immediately.
Ooh.
Zen minimalism.
That's the money shot.
You know the worst part of all this? We've now got Roger as a neighbour.
No, we haven't.
An estate agent has already called offering him 80,000 more than he paid.
Damn reality television.
Where have you been? You didn't come home.
- Amsterdam.
- What? A bloke saw me at the London Dungeon, offered me the same job for a lot more money.
Only it turned out not to be the same at all.
Shame, really, cos I liked sitting in that window.