New Girl s06e05 Episode Script
Jaipur Aviv
1 Who is ready to strip? You see you mean strip wallpaper at your new house, but me, myself, I always err on the side of sexy.
[moans.]
- [wolf whistles.]
- Okay.
You were up there a long time, man.
Yeah, I was running out of imaginary dollar bills.
Right, so we are off to buy drinking water.
Yes, the water at Jaipur Aviv tastes like it's been fracked.
- See you guys there.
- Jaipur Aviv? Yeah, Schmidt named their house Jaipur Aviv to celebrate the union of India and Israel that their marriage represents.
So this is the future, the three of us.
- Do we need a name? - The winners.
- Winston and the Cuties.
- Eh, I don't think we need a name.
But we do need a fourth roommate, because I think Oh, my God! This loft is enormous.
Thank you, Winston.
I was going there, but it was gonna be a long walk.
This place is way too big for three people.
What about your dream of having an in-loft multipurpose room? Multipurpose rooms can't pay rent.
- That's the only purpose they don't serve.
- So let's get a roommate.
Well, Cece and Schmidt'll be here another six months, so we have time to find someone we like.
Someone who's a girl.
- A girl, hmm.
- Winston, thoughts? Hmm? I'm in.
I'm sorry.
I was just distracted by how big this loft is.
- First time you ever thought about it? - I'm gonna go look for echoes.
WINSTON: Hello.
- Hello.
- WINSTON: Oh, my God! - You guys hearing this? - You guys hearing this? - Ha! Oh, my God! - Stop.
He'll go all day.
Hello, wall.
Prepare to be naked.
- Hey.
- Oh, hey.
What do you think about Reagan? Well, she's great.
A-plus posture.
I mean she's moving to L.
A.
next month.
What do you think about Reagan as our roommate? 'Cause she would live in my room, but she'd still pay rent.
And then you could have that multipurpose room where you could shower and cook.
Well, I'd still use the bathroom and the kitchen for showering and cooking, but I would use the multipurpose room for everything else, - [chuckles.]
- and I'd be living across the hall from my ex and his new girlfriend.
Not sure why I said those two in the same tone.
You know what, forget it actually.
- I-I That's on me.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I didn't think of the ex-girlfriend thing.
- Forget it.
- She's a girl who we like, - and she's lived there before.
- I know.
And then that gets us out of the whole "Here's what you need to know about Winston" conversation.
- That's always a long weekend.
- I know.
She would overlap with Schmidt and Cece.
And six people is a violation of the loft agreement.
But loft agreements are reached to be amended.
- So you're really okay with this? - Yes.
I mean, that's how a normal person would say yes.
I need the trademark Jessica Day yes.
- Yes! - Okay, that's a little bit too much.
I think it's got to be somewhere in the middle.
Ye-yes.
Great.
[chuckles.]
Yeah.
You know, there is something so familiar about this room.
I don't know.
It's like I've been here before.
[sighing.]
: Wow CECE: Babe, I know you were planning on doing all of the heavy lifting - when it comes to decorating - Interior design.
Cece, this is a home.
It's not a Christmas cookie.
So you've said.
But this is our first joint venture, and I really want to help.
The only thing better than realizing my interior design vision will be realizing our interior design vision.
Great.
Okay, so this is what I'm seeing A boar's head over the fireplace with a decorative pedestal backing.
Or - How did I know that? - this color for our bathroom.
- What do you think? - I love it.
You do? Because I know that our tastes haven't always jived.
[doorbell playing "La Cucaracha".]
You think that we're greeting people in our home to "La Cucaracha"! This is the paint swatch choice of a serious interior designer.
You should save that for when we renew our vows.
I love you.
Bathroom's going to look great.
- Huh, that's a pretty color.
- Ooh-ee, yes, it is.
For a third world doctor's office.
I love this.
What is this, yellow? Six words you never get to hear: Nick is calling a loft meeting.
I call to order this off-site loft meeting.
Nick, you have the floor.
I propose Reagan move into the loft.
She is a likable girl who is not Coach.
Thank you very much for your time.
As cosponsor of this bill, it has my full and unconditional support.
Full and unconditional support.
Today, we will vote to amend the No More Than Five Damn People May Live in This Loft at Any One Time Act.
Formerly the No More Than Four Damn People May Live in This Loft at Any One Time Act.
We will be voting as is our custom by secret ballot.
The vote must be unanimous.
- What'd you write? - Shh.
Okay.
- Three yays, two nays? - What? What the hell?! Even after my speech? [loud buzzing.]
I really thought this was gonna cheer me up.
JESS: Nick.
- I swear I voted yay.
- [turns off sander.]
I know.
And it means a lot to me, because I really want her to move in.
But I don't have the votes.
What can you do? You're only short two votes.
- I can get you two votes.
- You can do that? - Can a shark ruin a family vacation? - No.
I mean if it bites someone.
- Maybe, then yeah.
- Maybe? It depends on the vacation, but yeah.
Can a puppy make a baby smile? I mean, there's a lot of factors.
- Just - Depends on Thanks for helping is what I meant to say.
So the two votes against Reagan moving in must be Schmidt and Winston.
Thank God you had these magnets.
Yeah, well they're a backup housewarming gift for Schmidt and Cece in case my quilt guy screws me again.
Thank God you found this mysteriously sticky wall.
Let's go get Schmidt and Winston and change their votes.
- I can't believe those two.
- You stay here and wait.
I can't.
I'm going too crazy.
I'm coming with you.
Nick, you're way too invested.
Plus, it's tacky to whip your own votes.
We both know that never works with these guys.
Schmidt, Winston prepare to be buttonholed.
Did you just say "buttonholed"? I mean whatever you got to do, Jess, but gross.
[sighs.]
It's only one room, one flaw.
Every beautiful thing has one flaw.
Marilyn Monroe has her beauty mark.
- "Thriller" has its Vincent Price poem.
- CECE: Babe.
[exhales.]
Do you like this ceiling fan? Wicker wicker blades! They are made from reclaimed hampers.
It's like a dirty laundry propeller above our bed.
- [laughing.]
: Yes.
- Okay! [sighs.]
I love that we're on the same page.
That's right.
Two flaws.
Okay.
Two flaws.
No beautiful thing has two flaws, only ugly things.
It's spreading.
[gasps.]
Thank you, Winston.
Now I feel validated.
No, no, no, no.
I just figured out why I know this house.
You see, it's in my favorite school district.
- That's nice.
- Yeah.
Hey, Nick.
- Sorry about the vote.
- I don't want to talk about it.
Cool.
I need your help with a situation.
There is no situation you could possibly describe compelling enough - to get me to want to help you.
- Schmidt and Cece's house was the location for the 1971 pornographic film, Daddy's Longleg.
Okay, maybe there's one situation.
I'm 100% in.
- That piece is exquisite.
- NICK: Oh! - May I see it from another angle? - [chuckling.]
WOMAN: He was my best friend - until he became my enemy.
- WINSTON: The boar goes up, and the robe comes down.
That's porn.
- You got this on a heavy rotation.
- Super heavy rotation.
Please don't dance while we're watching porn videos together.
Oh, sorry about that.
But I mean this is Schmidt and Cece's fireplace, right? It looks like it, doesn't it? But if it is - he can never know.
- [quietly.]
: Oh, come on Nick.
You know that.
He can never know.
Yes, but we're already keeping five secrets from him.
- The secret vault is full.
- That's not true.
We only have four.
- We have a slot open.
- You always forget.
- Lost umbrella.
- I forgot about lost umbrella.
- Mm.
- I always forget about lost umbrella.
[chuckling.]
: That's why it was lost.
So we're at maximum capacity.
So what do we do? Okay, so pornographic house has to go into the vault.
- Agreed.
- So what do we declassify? - Jalapeño 19? - Jalapeño 19? No way.
Uh Duck, Duck, Gavin? Oh, Duck, Duck, Gavin has to stay a secret.
I would love to keep Upper Deck Timeshare between us and the guy we paid off.
There are no good options.
Are you sure this is the house? I think so, but maybe not.
Okay, so here's what we're gonna do.
I'm going to watch with fresh eyes and I'm gonna see what my gut tells me, - okay? - Yeah.
You go around the house, you take photos - for comparison.
- Mm-hmm.
Yes.
We'll look at all the pics, we'll come back here later, - Mm-hmm.
- We'll make a, you know, a final call.
- Boom.
- [chuckles.]
- I need the phone for pictures.
- I need it to watch the porn.
- Use your phone.
- It already started buffering.
- It's two minutes in.
- [quietly.]
: It's buffering.
Take mine and take pictures with that.
Makes sense.
It's very smart, and that is why we are The Keepers of the Five Secrets.
Keepers of the Five Secrets.
[Chinese flute music playing.]
- Shh.
- [whispers.]
: Don't say a word.
[groans.]
[sighs.]
Gah! Secret ballots are never really secret.
You know that, right? Okay fine.
You got me.
I voted nay.
It would just be six people for too long.
We would continue to be a married couple living with three roommates.
You want to make it four, increasing our humiliation by 33%.
Mr.
Miller has no interest in seeing you humiliated.
And as such, I've been empowered to offer you the following.
I'm listening.
As a symbolic gesture, Reagan cannot list the loft as her official residence.
- Where will her mail go? - A P.
O.
Box.
Oh, yeah.
All right, keep going.
When asked where you live, you and Reagan will say the following.
"Geez, beats us.
We're just dumb kids living paycheck to paycheck.
"Thank gosh for our upwardly mobile friends Schmidt and Cece, "and the three guest rooms in their loft.
"We're crashing with them until we get our lives together "and we remain there at their pleasure.
" Do I have to memorize all that? No, you can just read it from the toilet paper.
- [sighs.]
- And finally you will allow Schmidt to buy you one pair of jeans.
Oh, he's serious.
Hey, Jess.
Did Schmidt tell you I was gonna be in here? - No.
- Then how come you didn't get scared? Before I enter any bathroom, I take a moment to myself and say, "No matter what happens in there, "don't get scared.
" And it works, you know, except for that one time when I was at the Cubs Okay Jess, don't move.
- What's happening? - Don't worry about it.
Hey, do me a favor.
Put an arch in your back, just - [clicks.]
- Got it.
Okay.
Let's take one together.
- Oh, like a prom picture.
- Yeah, kind of.
[strains.]
: Here we - [clicking.]
- Got it.
I actually might need to retake that.
I think my eyes were closed.
But first, let me see if any of this pork makes your tummy rumble.
Winston would like you and Reagan to spend a mutually agreed upon amount of time as a couple with Ferguson.
We're talking about the cat? The only couples that Ferguson knows are interracial.
And while Winston views this as progress, he knows that it's not an accurate portrayal of the world.
You even think that cat knows Winston exists? Definitely not.
Next, Winston would like to be the first person to see you in your new jeans.
And he will see you under these circumstances, and these circumstances only: descending a grand spiral staircase, as Winston waits at the bottom, weeping with pride, holding your new belt.
He wants me to go upstairs without a belt.
Some We rent a really nice mansion.
Hey, you could do it, like, a museum I'm not going to a public place and doing this with him.
Do you want the yays or not? I need the yays.
The motion on the floor is the same, with some riders, most notably the Furguson Bishop, White Immersion Program.
Um, four yays, one nay? - Who's this nay? - I asked you what you wanted.
And I voted yay.
That was about the vote? I thought y'all just wanted to get to know me better.
I was already a yay.
Well, that's everybody.
Who's left? Parikh, prepare to be buttonholed.
I'm sorry I took your yay for granted.
Let me wet your beak a little bit you want sink time, you want fridge space, you want Schmidt and Winston to let you in on this whole jeans thing? No, I don't want anything, okay.
I voted nay because I'm trying to protect you.
- From who? - From you, you lunatic.
You were being a good friend to Nick by letting Reagan move in, but I wouldn't be a good friend to you if I just let that happen.
If Nick wants Reagan to move in, then I want Reagan to move in.
I mean, I don't want her to move in, but I I support it.
You can support something without being the poster child for it, okay, so just maybe take a step back.
I can't do that because my love for Nick exists, so it has to come out somewhere.
If you put water in Bugs Bunny's hole, it's gonna shoot out some other hole where Elmer Fudd least expects it.
Is this other hole friendship? Exactly.
So I can't express my feelings for Nick through my romance hole, so I need to express them through my friendship hole.
And I really regret hitching my wagon to "hole.
" But you you get it, okay? I want you to know I'm gonna be fine, okay? - You promise? - I promise.
Okay, all right, I'll vote yay.
If Nick and Reagan aren't physical outside of their room.
I'm sorry, but I have to protect you a little, okay, so just deal with it.
That's a really great rider, Cece.
You see, I think this is the tub where Daddy bathes the Soviet dissident.
And this has to be the window seat where he spanks the Aztec twins.
Hey, side note, thank you for voting yay on the Reagan vote.
I really want her to move in.
I think I'm ready for this.
She will, and you are very much so ready.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So many close-ups.
It's so frustrating.
I mean, for our purposes of today.
You know, mostly when they cut to wide I'm thinking why the hell are you showing me the room? But now I want to see the room.
I don't want to see the close-ups.
Well, there's only one thing left.
[phone chimes.]
Search the locations manager for the 1971 adult film Daddy's Longleg.
Very smart.
[chimes.]
SEARCH VOICE: Searching now.
[Chinese flute music playing.]
- Secrets.
- Secrets.
Cece, this is the hardest thing that I've ever had to say to you.
I had always assumed that when you got serious about interior design, I was going to love your ideas.
Because I love you.
I hate your ideas.
I hate them almost as much as I love you, which is so much.
I have to stop you right there.
I appreciate the fact that you are a very dramatic man, but the next time you start a conversation with, "This is the hardest thing that I have ever had to say to you," it better end with, "I'm gay now," "I found a lump in my nut," or, "He came out of nowhere, help me get the blood off of my car.
" I can't live in a house that you don't love.
And I also can't live in a house of horrors! Thank you for taking my note about being dramatic.
Next time you don't like one of my suggestions, - just tell me.
- I don't like your suggestions.
Okay, well, then you suggest something, and then I suggest something, and eventually we reach a compromise.
So let's try it.
Let's try it with the cabinets.
I suggest a lighter wood, like birch.
Absolutely not.
- I mean [clears throat.]
- Mm-hmm.
I suggest a darker wood, like walnut.
So now we try to find something in the middle, like, how about oak? That's fine, that's fine, I'm willing to go darker.
Cherry? Mahogany? - Walnut? - I love that suggestion! It was your suggestion.
It's not a compromise.
- Okay, fine, birch.
- No! That was my suggestion.
That's still not a compromise.
Now you're confusing me! JESS [shouting.]
: Emergency off-site loft meeting! JESS: Nick.
Nick, it's time for the final vote.
Where are you? The motion now includes the Cece Parikh Hallway Decency Act.
Ugh! There's still one nay in here! - Okay, I voted yay, I swear.
- Then who was it? WOMAN [on phone.]
: Roughstuff Productions.
You have a real guilty look on your face a real nay face.
This is not my nay face.
This is this is how does a man compromise his vision face.
MAN [on phone.]
: Roughstuff Productions, this is Clem.
Uh, yeah, Clem, um.
I'm calling about the whereabou - [grunting.]
- Winston! - CLEM: Sir, are you auditioning? - Admit it! - Why? - Oh Aah - Why? - It doesn't matter who voted nay.
The message is clear, somebody doesn't want Reagan in the loft.
So who cares who did it? Let's move on.
Who is that person? I hate that person.
Also, maybe somebody realized moments before the vote that, if you think about it, my bed it-it tilts west.
And so she could roll off the bed in the middle of the night, and on the floor, - and my floor tilts east - Nick.
Which means she could roll under my bed and be lost forever.
- Did you vote nay? - Yeah, of course I did.
I don't know what I want.
I'm confused.
Ooh-whee! Politics! Schmidt, you need to take these design blinders off and look around.
We compromise all the time.
We named our house Jaipur Aviv.
That's right.
I wanted to call it Ghatak/Mossad HQ, and you wanted to call it - Our House.
- Our House, yes.
We met in the middle and we called it Jaipur Aviv.
You know what, every compromise doesn't have to be 50-50.
I've been looking at cabinets online.
They all look exactly the same to me.
- No, they don't.
- They really do.
Birch, walnut, mahogany, fiberglass, stainless steel.
You can't tell the difference between metal and wood? Not when it comes to a cabinet.
I just see cabinet, and then I go, like, "Oh, my plate's in there.
" I think this is a bigger issue than interior design.
I think it just applies to cabinets.
And I accept the fact that I am not good at interior design, and you're brilliant at it.
So you should take the lead on that.
Just like I'm no good at cooking Indian food.
- Mm.
- You take the lead on that.
You always let me make dessert.
- I always burn it.
- I just want you to feel included.
Even if it's in just some small, symbolic way.
[doorbell plays "La Cucaracha".]
[melody repeats.]
[melody repeats.]
Okay.
- Hey.
- Do you know how anything works? I know you whipped and you buttonholed and you swing-setted your tail off to get all these votes.
- Who did I swing-set? - Once I got the votes, I panicked.
Because I realized that now I have to ask her, and what if she says no? Or worse, what if she says yes, moves in with me, and then regrets it? I wish we'd had this conversation at the beginning of the day, but yeah, I mean, I get it, it's scary.
Well, tell me I'm wrong to be scared.
- You know, tell me I should vote yay.
- Nick, I whipped everyone's votes.
I'm not gonna whip yours.
But whatever you decide, I support you.
We all do.
If I vote yay, all that means is is that I can ask her.
Emphasis on "can.
" And that I don't have to.
Emphasis on "have.
" Wow.
Well, no one loves parsing more than I do, and even I find this tedious, but yes.
All right, slide me over.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Whoa, is this wall just sticky, or is it magnetic? We have got to get a magnetic wall.
We will never buy another coil of wires connected to a battery again in our lives.
It'll pay for itself in a week.
[scoffs.]
[Daddy's Longleg playing over phone.]
Okay, Roughstuff Productions referred me to their former subsidiary Tick Tock Erotica, LLC, which split from Roughstuff back in '09.
But here's the thing.
Tick Tock is in the app space now, but they still use the same headhunter.
And they still had the number for a Mr.
Mort Capaco, locations manager, Daddy's Longleg.
- Did he know where they shot it? - He did not.
All right, we've got to give up a secret.
The only question is who breaks the news.
I'll break the news if I get to pick the secret.
Deal.
But I really recommend that you tell him about - Halloween 2004.
- Halloween 2004.
That's what I was gonna say.
[Chinese flute music playing.]
- Secrets exchanged.
- Secrets exchanged.
Shh.
WOMAN [over phone.]
: I could never say no to the man that saved my sled dogs.
[porn music playing.]
Schmidt, I need to tell you something - unpleasant about some candy you ate.
- [door opens, closes.]
- What? - Many years It was shot in Seattle.
Daddy's Longleg was shot in Seattle.
What's Daddy's Longleg? A pornographic movie Winston and I really like.
- You don't have to worry about it.
- Because it was not filmed in your home.
So congratulations! - Wow, we did it, honey.
- Was that in question? Hey, did you ask Reagan? I've decided to ask her, but I haven't asked her yet.
I don't know how to.
All I've got right now is, "Hey, Nickname" that's what we're calling each other until we can think of something better.
Uh and after that, I'm a little stumped.
Well, why do you want Reagan to move in? Because I want to spend a lot of time with her, and if she moves in, I'll be able to spend more time with her.
Well, if she moved in, how would that make you feel, Nick? - I'd feel honored.
- Honored or happy? Both.
- And what's your name? - My name is Nick.
- Probably could've got that on my own.
- Noted.
Wow.
I mean, that's perfect.
And it's already on my phone.
But there's just some things I want to agonize over out loud with you guys.
- And send.
- I wanted to agonize, - I said I needed to agonize - I've to tell you.
That was great.
- God bless you.
- You're welcome everyone.
About this porn you watched together
[moans.]
- [wolf whistles.]
- Okay.
You were up there a long time, man.
Yeah, I was running out of imaginary dollar bills.
Right, so we are off to buy drinking water.
Yes, the water at Jaipur Aviv tastes like it's been fracked.
- See you guys there.
- Jaipur Aviv? Yeah, Schmidt named their house Jaipur Aviv to celebrate the union of India and Israel that their marriage represents.
So this is the future, the three of us.
- Do we need a name? - The winners.
- Winston and the Cuties.
- Eh, I don't think we need a name.
But we do need a fourth roommate, because I think Oh, my God! This loft is enormous.
Thank you, Winston.
I was going there, but it was gonna be a long walk.
This place is way too big for three people.
What about your dream of having an in-loft multipurpose room? Multipurpose rooms can't pay rent.
- That's the only purpose they don't serve.
- So let's get a roommate.
Well, Cece and Schmidt'll be here another six months, so we have time to find someone we like.
Someone who's a girl.
- A girl, hmm.
- Winston, thoughts? Hmm? I'm in.
I'm sorry.
I was just distracted by how big this loft is.
- First time you ever thought about it? - I'm gonna go look for echoes.
WINSTON: Hello.
- Hello.
- WINSTON: Oh, my God! - You guys hearing this? - You guys hearing this? - Ha! Oh, my God! - Stop.
He'll go all day.
Hello, wall.
Prepare to be naked.
- Hey.
- Oh, hey.
What do you think about Reagan? Well, she's great.
A-plus posture.
I mean she's moving to L.
A.
next month.
What do you think about Reagan as our roommate? 'Cause she would live in my room, but she'd still pay rent.
And then you could have that multipurpose room where you could shower and cook.
Well, I'd still use the bathroom and the kitchen for showering and cooking, but I would use the multipurpose room for everything else, - [chuckles.]
- and I'd be living across the hall from my ex and his new girlfriend.
Not sure why I said those two in the same tone.
You know what, forget it actually.
- I-I That's on me.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I didn't think of the ex-girlfriend thing.
- Forget it.
- She's a girl who we like, - and she's lived there before.
- I know.
And then that gets us out of the whole "Here's what you need to know about Winston" conversation.
- That's always a long weekend.
- I know.
She would overlap with Schmidt and Cece.
And six people is a violation of the loft agreement.
But loft agreements are reached to be amended.
- So you're really okay with this? - Yes.
I mean, that's how a normal person would say yes.
I need the trademark Jessica Day yes.
- Yes! - Okay, that's a little bit too much.
I think it's got to be somewhere in the middle.
Ye-yes.
Great.
[chuckles.]
Yeah.
You know, there is something so familiar about this room.
I don't know.
It's like I've been here before.
[sighing.]
: Wow CECE: Babe, I know you were planning on doing all of the heavy lifting - when it comes to decorating - Interior design.
Cece, this is a home.
It's not a Christmas cookie.
So you've said.
But this is our first joint venture, and I really want to help.
The only thing better than realizing my interior design vision will be realizing our interior design vision.
Great.
Okay, so this is what I'm seeing A boar's head over the fireplace with a decorative pedestal backing.
Or - How did I know that? - this color for our bathroom.
- What do you think? - I love it.
You do? Because I know that our tastes haven't always jived.
[doorbell playing "La Cucaracha".]
You think that we're greeting people in our home to "La Cucaracha"! This is the paint swatch choice of a serious interior designer.
You should save that for when we renew our vows.
I love you.
Bathroom's going to look great.
- Huh, that's a pretty color.
- Ooh-ee, yes, it is.
For a third world doctor's office.
I love this.
What is this, yellow? Six words you never get to hear: Nick is calling a loft meeting.
I call to order this off-site loft meeting.
Nick, you have the floor.
I propose Reagan move into the loft.
She is a likable girl who is not Coach.
Thank you very much for your time.
As cosponsor of this bill, it has my full and unconditional support.
Full and unconditional support.
Today, we will vote to amend the No More Than Five Damn People May Live in This Loft at Any One Time Act.
Formerly the No More Than Four Damn People May Live in This Loft at Any One Time Act.
We will be voting as is our custom by secret ballot.
The vote must be unanimous.
- What'd you write? - Shh.
Okay.
- Three yays, two nays? - What? What the hell?! Even after my speech? [loud buzzing.]
I really thought this was gonna cheer me up.
JESS: Nick.
- I swear I voted yay.
- [turns off sander.]
I know.
And it means a lot to me, because I really want her to move in.
But I don't have the votes.
What can you do? You're only short two votes.
- I can get you two votes.
- You can do that? - Can a shark ruin a family vacation? - No.
I mean if it bites someone.
- Maybe, then yeah.
- Maybe? It depends on the vacation, but yeah.
Can a puppy make a baby smile? I mean, there's a lot of factors.
- Just - Depends on Thanks for helping is what I meant to say.
So the two votes against Reagan moving in must be Schmidt and Winston.
Thank God you had these magnets.
Yeah, well they're a backup housewarming gift for Schmidt and Cece in case my quilt guy screws me again.
Thank God you found this mysteriously sticky wall.
Let's go get Schmidt and Winston and change their votes.
- I can't believe those two.
- You stay here and wait.
I can't.
I'm going too crazy.
I'm coming with you.
Nick, you're way too invested.
Plus, it's tacky to whip your own votes.
We both know that never works with these guys.
Schmidt, Winston prepare to be buttonholed.
Did you just say "buttonholed"? I mean whatever you got to do, Jess, but gross.
[sighs.]
It's only one room, one flaw.
Every beautiful thing has one flaw.
Marilyn Monroe has her beauty mark.
- "Thriller" has its Vincent Price poem.
- CECE: Babe.
[exhales.]
Do you like this ceiling fan? Wicker wicker blades! They are made from reclaimed hampers.
It's like a dirty laundry propeller above our bed.
- [laughing.]
: Yes.
- Okay! [sighs.]
I love that we're on the same page.
That's right.
Two flaws.
Okay.
Two flaws.
No beautiful thing has two flaws, only ugly things.
It's spreading.
[gasps.]
Thank you, Winston.
Now I feel validated.
No, no, no, no.
I just figured out why I know this house.
You see, it's in my favorite school district.
- That's nice.
- Yeah.
Hey, Nick.
- Sorry about the vote.
- I don't want to talk about it.
Cool.
I need your help with a situation.
There is no situation you could possibly describe compelling enough - to get me to want to help you.
- Schmidt and Cece's house was the location for the 1971 pornographic film, Daddy's Longleg.
Okay, maybe there's one situation.
I'm 100% in.
- That piece is exquisite.
- NICK: Oh! - May I see it from another angle? - [chuckling.]
WOMAN: He was my best friend - until he became my enemy.
- WINSTON: The boar goes up, and the robe comes down.
That's porn.
- You got this on a heavy rotation.
- Super heavy rotation.
Please don't dance while we're watching porn videos together.
Oh, sorry about that.
But I mean this is Schmidt and Cece's fireplace, right? It looks like it, doesn't it? But if it is - he can never know.
- [quietly.]
: Oh, come on Nick.
You know that.
He can never know.
Yes, but we're already keeping five secrets from him.
- The secret vault is full.
- That's not true.
We only have four.
- We have a slot open.
- You always forget.
- Lost umbrella.
- I forgot about lost umbrella.
- Mm.
- I always forget about lost umbrella.
[chuckling.]
: That's why it was lost.
So we're at maximum capacity.
So what do we do? Okay, so pornographic house has to go into the vault.
- Agreed.
- So what do we declassify? - Jalapeño 19? - Jalapeño 19? No way.
Uh Duck, Duck, Gavin? Oh, Duck, Duck, Gavin has to stay a secret.
I would love to keep Upper Deck Timeshare between us and the guy we paid off.
There are no good options.
Are you sure this is the house? I think so, but maybe not.
Okay, so here's what we're gonna do.
I'm going to watch with fresh eyes and I'm gonna see what my gut tells me, - okay? - Yeah.
You go around the house, you take photos - for comparison.
- Mm-hmm.
Yes.
We'll look at all the pics, we'll come back here later, - Mm-hmm.
- We'll make a, you know, a final call.
- Boom.
- [chuckles.]
- I need the phone for pictures.
- I need it to watch the porn.
- Use your phone.
- It already started buffering.
- It's two minutes in.
- [quietly.]
: It's buffering.
Take mine and take pictures with that.
Makes sense.
It's very smart, and that is why we are The Keepers of the Five Secrets.
Keepers of the Five Secrets.
[Chinese flute music playing.]
- Shh.
- [whispers.]
: Don't say a word.
[groans.]
[sighs.]
Gah! Secret ballots are never really secret.
You know that, right? Okay fine.
You got me.
I voted nay.
It would just be six people for too long.
We would continue to be a married couple living with three roommates.
You want to make it four, increasing our humiliation by 33%.
Mr.
Miller has no interest in seeing you humiliated.
And as such, I've been empowered to offer you the following.
I'm listening.
As a symbolic gesture, Reagan cannot list the loft as her official residence.
- Where will her mail go? - A P.
O.
Box.
Oh, yeah.
All right, keep going.
When asked where you live, you and Reagan will say the following.
"Geez, beats us.
We're just dumb kids living paycheck to paycheck.
"Thank gosh for our upwardly mobile friends Schmidt and Cece, "and the three guest rooms in their loft.
"We're crashing with them until we get our lives together "and we remain there at their pleasure.
" Do I have to memorize all that? No, you can just read it from the toilet paper.
- [sighs.]
- And finally you will allow Schmidt to buy you one pair of jeans.
Oh, he's serious.
Hey, Jess.
Did Schmidt tell you I was gonna be in here? - No.
- Then how come you didn't get scared? Before I enter any bathroom, I take a moment to myself and say, "No matter what happens in there, "don't get scared.
" And it works, you know, except for that one time when I was at the Cubs Okay Jess, don't move.
- What's happening? - Don't worry about it.
Hey, do me a favor.
Put an arch in your back, just - [clicks.]
- Got it.
Okay.
Let's take one together.
- Oh, like a prom picture.
- Yeah, kind of.
[strains.]
: Here we - [clicking.]
- Got it.
I actually might need to retake that.
I think my eyes were closed.
But first, let me see if any of this pork makes your tummy rumble.
Winston would like you and Reagan to spend a mutually agreed upon amount of time as a couple with Ferguson.
We're talking about the cat? The only couples that Ferguson knows are interracial.
And while Winston views this as progress, he knows that it's not an accurate portrayal of the world.
You even think that cat knows Winston exists? Definitely not.
Next, Winston would like to be the first person to see you in your new jeans.
And he will see you under these circumstances, and these circumstances only: descending a grand spiral staircase, as Winston waits at the bottom, weeping with pride, holding your new belt.
He wants me to go upstairs without a belt.
Some We rent a really nice mansion.
Hey, you could do it, like, a museum I'm not going to a public place and doing this with him.
Do you want the yays or not? I need the yays.
The motion on the floor is the same, with some riders, most notably the Furguson Bishop, White Immersion Program.
Um, four yays, one nay? - Who's this nay? - I asked you what you wanted.
And I voted yay.
That was about the vote? I thought y'all just wanted to get to know me better.
I was already a yay.
Well, that's everybody.
Who's left? Parikh, prepare to be buttonholed.
I'm sorry I took your yay for granted.
Let me wet your beak a little bit you want sink time, you want fridge space, you want Schmidt and Winston to let you in on this whole jeans thing? No, I don't want anything, okay.
I voted nay because I'm trying to protect you.
- From who? - From you, you lunatic.
You were being a good friend to Nick by letting Reagan move in, but I wouldn't be a good friend to you if I just let that happen.
If Nick wants Reagan to move in, then I want Reagan to move in.
I mean, I don't want her to move in, but I I support it.
You can support something without being the poster child for it, okay, so just maybe take a step back.
I can't do that because my love for Nick exists, so it has to come out somewhere.
If you put water in Bugs Bunny's hole, it's gonna shoot out some other hole where Elmer Fudd least expects it.
Is this other hole friendship? Exactly.
So I can't express my feelings for Nick through my romance hole, so I need to express them through my friendship hole.
And I really regret hitching my wagon to "hole.
" But you you get it, okay? I want you to know I'm gonna be fine, okay? - You promise? - I promise.
Okay, all right, I'll vote yay.
If Nick and Reagan aren't physical outside of their room.
I'm sorry, but I have to protect you a little, okay, so just deal with it.
That's a really great rider, Cece.
You see, I think this is the tub where Daddy bathes the Soviet dissident.
And this has to be the window seat where he spanks the Aztec twins.
Hey, side note, thank you for voting yay on the Reagan vote.
I really want her to move in.
I think I'm ready for this.
She will, and you are very much so ready.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So many close-ups.
It's so frustrating.
I mean, for our purposes of today.
You know, mostly when they cut to wide I'm thinking why the hell are you showing me the room? But now I want to see the room.
I don't want to see the close-ups.
Well, there's only one thing left.
[phone chimes.]
Search the locations manager for the 1971 adult film Daddy's Longleg.
Very smart.
[chimes.]
SEARCH VOICE: Searching now.
[Chinese flute music playing.]
- Secrets.
- Secrets.
Cece, this is the hardest thing that I've ever had to say to you.
I had always assumed that when you got serious about interior design, I was going to love your ideas.
Because I love you.
I hate your ideas.
I hate them almost as much as I love you, which is so much.
I have to stop you right there.
I appreciate the fact that you are a very dramatic man, but the next time you start a conversation with, "This is the hardest thing that I have ever had to say to you," it better end with, "I'm gay now," "I found a lump in my nut," or, "He came out of nowhere, help me get the blood off of my car.
" I can't live in a house that you don't love.
And I also can't live in a house of horrors! Thank you for taking my note about being dramatic.
Next time you don't like one of my suggestions, - just tell me.
- I don't like your suggestions.
Okay, well, then you suggest something, and then I suggest something, and eventually we reach a compromise.
So let's try it.
Let's try it with the cabinets.
I suggest a lighter wood, like birch.
Absolutely not.
- I mean [clears throat.]
- Mm-hmm.
I suggest a darker wood, like walnut.
So now we try to find something in the middle, like, how about oak? That's fine, that's fine, I'm willing to go darker.
Cherry? Mahogany? - Walnut? - I love that suggestion! It was your suggestion.
It's not a compromise.
- Okay, fine, birch.
- No! That was my suggestion.
That's still not a compromise.
Now you're confusing me! JESS [shouting.]
: Emergency off-site loft meeting! JESS: Nick.
Nick, it's time for the final vote.
Where are you? The motion now includes the Cece Parikh Hallway Decency Act.
Ugh! There's still one nay in here! - Okay, I voted yay, I swear.
- Then who was it? WOMAN [on phone.]
: Roughstuff Productions.
You have a real guilty look on your face a real nay face.
This is not my nay face.
This is this is how does a man compromise his vision face.
MAN [on phone.]
: Roughstuff Productions, this is Clem.
Uh, yeah, Clem, um.
I'm calling about the whereabou - [grunting.]
- Winston! - CLEM: Sir, are you auditioning? - Admit it! - Why? - Oh Aah - Why? - It doesn't matter who voted nay.
The message is clear, somebody doesn't want Reagan in the loft.
So who cares who did it? Let's move on.
Who is that person? I hate that person.
Also, maybe somebody realized moments before the vote that, if you think about it, my bed it-it tilts west.
And so she could roll off the bed in the middle of the night, and on the floor, - and my floor tilts east - Nick.
Which means she could roll under my bed and be lost forever.
- Did you vote nay? - Yeah, of course I did.
I don't know what I want.
I'm confused.
Ooh-whee! Politics! Schmidt, you need to take these design blinders off and look around.
We compromise all the time.
We named our house Jaipur Aviv.
That's right.
I wanted to call it Ghatak/Mossad HQ, and you wanted to call it - Our House.
- Our House, yes.
We met in the middle and we called it Jaipur Aviv.
You know what, every compromise doesn't have to be 50-50.
I've been looking at cabinets online.
They all look exactly the same to me.
- No, they don't.
- They really do.
Birch, walnut, mahogany, fiberglass, stainless steel.
You can't tell the difference between metal and wood? Not when it comes to a cabinet.
I just see cabinet, and then I go, like, "Oh, my plate's in there.
" I think this is a bigger issue than interior design.
I think it just applies to cabinets.
And I accept the fact that I am not good at interior design, and you're brilliant at it.
So you should take the lead on that.
Just like I'm no good at cooking Indian food.
- Mm.
- You take the lead on that.
You always let me make dessert.
- I always burn it.
- I just want you to feel included.
Even if it's in just some small, symbolic way.
[doorbell plays "La Cucaracha".]
[melody repeats.]
[melody repeats.]
Okay.
- Hey.
- Do you know how anything works? I know you whipped and you buttonholed and you swing-setted your tail off to get all these votes.
- Who did I swing-set? - Once I got the votes, I panicked.
Because I realized that now I have to ask her, and what if she says no? Or worse, what if she says yes, moves in with me, and then regrets it? I wish we'd had this conversation at the beginning of the day, but yeah, I mean, I get it, it's scary.
Well, tell me I'm wrong to be scared.
- You know, tell me I should vote yay.
- Nick, I whipped everyone's votes.
I'm not gonna whip yours.
But whatever you decide, I support you.
We all do.
If I vote yay, all that means is is that I can ask her.
Emphasis on "can.
" And that I don't have to.
Emphasis on "have.
" Wow.
Well, no one loves parsing more than I do, and even I find this tedious, but yes.
All right, slide me over.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Whoa, is this wall just sticky, or is it magnetic? We have got to get a magnetic wall.
We will never buy another coil of wires connected to a battery again in our lives.
It'll pay for itself in a week.
[scoffs.]
[Daddy's Longleg playing over phone.]
Okay, Roughstuff Productions referred me to their former subsidiary Tick Tock Erotica, LLC, which split from Roughstuff back in '09.
But here's the thing.
Tick Tock is in the app space now, but they still use the same headhunter.
And they still had the number for a Mr.
Mort Capaco, locations manager, Daddy's Longleg.
- Did he know where they shot it? - He did not.
All right, we've got to give up a secret.
The only question is who breaks the news.
I'll break the news if I get to pick the secret.
Deal.
But I really recommend that you tell him about - Halloween 2004.
- Halloween 2004.
That's what I was gonna say.
[Chinese flute music playing.]
- Secrets exchanged.
- Secrets exchanged.
Shh.
WOMAN [over phone.]
: I could never say no to the man that saved my sled dogs.
[porn music playing.]
Schmidt, I need to tell you something - unpleasant about some candy you ate.
- [door opens, closes.]
- What? - Many years It was shot in Seattle.
Daddy's Longleg was shot in Seattle.
What's Daddy's Longleg? A pornographic movie Winston and I really like.
- You don't have to worry about it.
- Because it was not filmed in your home.
So congratulations! - Wow, we did it, honey.
- Was that in question? Hey, did you ask Reagan? I've decided to ask her, but I haven't asked her yet.
I don't know how to.
All I've got right now is, "Hey, Nickname" that's what we're calling each other until we can think of something better.
Uh and after that, I'm a little stumped.
Well, why do you want Reagan to move in? Because I want to spend a lot of time with her, and if she moves in, I'll be able to spend more time with her.
Well, if she moved in, how would that make you feel, Nick? - I'd feel honored.
- Honored or happy? Both.
- And what's your name? - My name is Nick.
- Probably could've got that on my own.
- Noted.
Wow.
I mean, that's perfect.
And it's already on my phone.
But there's just some things I want to agonize over out loud with you guys.
- And send.
- I wanted to agonize, - I said I needed to agonize - I've to tell you.
That was great.
- God bless you.
- You're welcome everyone.
About this porn you watched together