One Foot in the Grave (1990) s06e05 Episode Script
The Dawn of Man
# They say I might as well face the truth # That I am just too long in the tooth # So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed # But I have not yet quite gone to seed # I may be over the hill now that I have retired # Fading away but I've not yet expired # Clapped out, run down, too old to save # One foot in the grave # (MOSQUITOES BUZZING) Oi! You! What the bloody Bloody moron! I'm sorry, is that your Peugeot Estate round there? Only, I think your front fog lamp seems to be on for some reason Frankly, Mr Skinpod, what side of bed I got out of this morning is not a matter I consider relevant The fact remains that the Open Sesame automatic garage door which you installed for me last week has just jammed again for the seventh time And as BMW rather short-sightedly failed to include a limbo-dancing option on the new 300 series, I'm keen to learn how you expect me to get the car on the road Yes, I'll tell you exactly what's ''chaffing my hide this morning'', Mr Gorringe It concerns a Majestic 2000 Millennium globe that I rather foolishly ordered from your company for my brother's birthday, which I can't help noticing has arrived with two northern hemispheres If by ''one of our top service engineers'', you're referring to the young child with the hair full of glue who spent three hours here yesterday wobbling around on top of a ladder presumably in an attempt to make his testicles drop, -I was not impressed, Mr Skinpod -Unfortunately not, Mr Gorringe And while a world with two Europes and no Australia may have obvious cultural advantages, I'm afraid it doesn't quite square with the theory of continental drift I couldn't say with any certainty, Mr Skinpod, whether it was Rick or Dave Although you'd very sensibly had a ring fitted through his ear like a cow, I'm afraid his name tag seemed to have fallen off Has he indeed? Well, how very fine and dandy for him Well, it depends what you mean by ''very noticeable'', Mr Gorringe I mean, had my brother been horribly blinded in some form of industrial accident, then certainly all our troubles would be over Well, do offer him my profuse congratulations, Mr Skinpod And then tell him to get his arse back round here now and finish the job Yes, I should expect a proper replacement within 24 hours or heads and hemispheres will roll That little twerp I had a barney with outside yesterday, he's only just gone and won 60,000 quid on the mid-week lottery -Unbelievable -Unbelievable Right, then, perhaps I'll just pop out for a few bits Get that bottle of whisky you wanted to take back with you, Nigel It's not till 6:30, your train tonight, is it? So I'll see you about 5:00, then Bye (RADIO STATIC HISSING) Bloody stereo Drives you up the wall Tell me about it It was bad enough in mono Morning, Mr Meldrew I'd get it in Boots if I were you -What? -The Anusol They'll charge you the Earth in places like this -Oh, I was just -No, I'm glad I've run into you, actually Only I've been meaning for ages to give you this It's the second prize in the Eczema Sufferers' Tombola You forgot you even bought the ticket Donated by Mrs Cribbins from the dry cleaners I gather it's quite a family heirloom -Yes, it's -It's her late husband's false beard You remember, he always had that chronic facial dermatitis Now, she's had it all steam cleaned and everything But be very sparing with the gum arabic Yeah, right I'll bear that in mind All set for the big day tomorrow? Oh, yes, yes, yes They say it's one of the most traumatic events in your life, don't they, moving house? But, oh, I don't know There are far too many memories for me there Well, if I don't see you before you go, keep in touch and, er well, hope it all works out for you Oh, thank you very much, Mr Meldrew That's very kind, and, erm Lots of love to Mrs Meldrew and bye-bye to you Bye, Mr Swainey WOMAN ON TV: released seven months early charred hinterland of the Chachinji.
A ragtag army of farmers and simple goatherds waits for another dawn to break.
But with daylight comes the renewed threat of mortar attack.
And already behind me, forces loyal to the junta have begun shelling rebel positions.
This is Skip Hoberman for CNS News on the southern slopes of the Argai-Bolak pass.
What is this supposed to be like? Any good? Depends if you like watching grown men take their clothes off You haven't got anything a bit stronger down there, I suppose? How do you mean exactly, a bit stronger? Pippa, how lovely to see you Come and sit down I think this is still warm I'm sorry about this, but I just had to get away from the Brothers Grimm this morning or go completely doolally Oh, is this the one you've been telling me about? He's been over from Norfolk? Yes Just been out to get him a drop of the hard stuff before we see him off at the station Plus, a little treat for myself, which I think I deserve after three weeks of that I can't remember if you've told me Is he divorced? No, he's never married, Nigel -He's -Got more sense? Well, he's got a crush on Jonathan Dimbleby, which is not quite the same thing Apart from that side of things, he's so much like Patrick it's frightening It's like every phone call is an episode of Kavanagh QC.
I mean, what is it with men? They're another species It's like this one Bought himself a fishing rod now, would you believe? With all the gubbins Think he has the first idea how to cast a line? Took a woodpecker out of a tree the other morning Poor thing ended up beak first down an old lady's jogging shorts What a nightmare! Oh, I should be picking up a prescription Oh, right, well, I'll tag along with you, as far as the bus stop Oh, for God's sake! (DOOR OPENING) I don't know That surgery gets worse Talk about headless chickens Oh, and why didn't you throw this back, Victor? Sorry? Into the bloody fridge where it came from? Must be at least three days past its sell-by Why you keep going in that place is beyond me You know, I think he's chiselled me out of that popcorn -Out of what? -Dodgy Douglas He said he'd a nice bit of popcorn at the back, if I fancied it, to go with the video -Then he didn't put it in, if you please -Leave it What with that other bastard first thing, I'd just about had a day of it Still, it'll be good material for when I give my talk Your talk? Why a bunch of old dears would want to sit and listen to you moan and groan about everything under the sun, I can't imagine I think your cousin Ivor must be going soft in the head ''PS Gladys sends her love and says, '''When are you going to come and give a little lecture to our Women's Institute? '''We're sure the Gospel according to Victor Meldrew '''would be the highlight of their year!''' Exclamation mark I'm thinking of basing it around the theme of evolution gone wrong Neanderthal man did not in fact die out He went to work for Sky Digital Ruddy performance we had with them Oh, you'll never guess what I saw this morning on the news An American reporter who looked just like Mr Swainey It was incredible I think the tape is still in there because I was watching it before Pippa came round Says she's just about had a bellyful of it lately, what with Patrick's brother coming over to stay Really? I didn't know he had one Yes Gay, apparently But just like Patrick in every respect I suppose it must just be coincidence, that other But I thought Oh Tsk, tsk, tsk What's this she's left behind? Do you mean they're completely identical? Sorry? Oh, well, yes Facially, the spitting image I wonder why he never said anything -Who? -Patrick What about? Perhaps they just try and steer clear of each other I mean, if you've got a twin brother who's gay, it could lead to all sorts of mix-ups Do you want to peel those potatoes while I get this pie on? Yeah Can do What's this? Oh, I don't know Some video that Pippa left behind ''Dwayne Spartacus and Mighty Joe Schlong ''in Mounted Police 5.
'' Yes, I might sit and watch that after tea if there's nothing else on, while you do the washing up Now, can we imagine in our wildest dreams that he's been back to fix it? After he's just won a fortune on the lottery? I should think he's jacked the job in He's halfway to Barbados by now Or have a few firm words on the phone this morning taught him the error of his ways? The little bastard I'll kill him (MEN GROANING ON TV) (MEN MOANING ON TV) Victor VICTOR: Yes What is this racket? What is this? It's not Dixon of Dock Green.
(YELPING) Can you imagine going out and buying your brother-in-law something like that? Hard stuff, she said My God! I mean, is that what some men actually -Where do you think she got it? -I don't know All I know is that's your first job tomorrow morning, to take it back to them Where did I put those smelling salts? Oh, thanks for polishing off my cabernet I've been looking forward to that all afternoon Oh, I'm sorry I thought it was going begging After all the upheaval today, I needed something to steady my nerves What? I don't know I just suddenly felt a bit clogged up from the Some reason I mean, just look at that You've done everything but suck the bloody cork Where is the cork anyway? There's no way of saying this delicately, Patrick It's gone quite a long way in Don't just stand there twittering Get it out Oh, right What am I now? A qualified proctologist? How? Well, I don't know How do you normally get a cork out? I suppose Not that one, you witless woman The one in the drawer that we take on holiday How's that going to work? I feel very uncomfortable doing this Isn't that funny? Whereas I seem to be growing ever more relaxed and confident Can you just get on with it, please? (PATRICK SCREAMING) I'm sorry about that Perhaps we'd better call the hospital Morning, Mr Meldrew You're up bright and early I thought You never said you were only moving two doors along Sorry? Oh, yes I always wanted an end-house and, as I say, wanted to make a fresh start without really leaving the area So, soon as I heard the McVities were emigrating, I leapt straight in with an offer Of course, I still haven't found a buyer for number 21 , but isn't that funny? You didn't know about it -Funny? Why -MARGARET: Morning, Mr Swainey -You settling in all right? -Oh, yes There's that news report I was telling you about You see what you make of that when you have a moment I will, Mrs Meldrew Sounds very intriguing That was another thing, Mr Meldrew I've got a couple coming round to view at 3:00 The estate agent says they sound quite serious Mr and Mrs Gleeson Oh, right Fingers crossed there, then Yes, he said that the husband was a very nasty piece of work, apparently Very violent And by all accounts, it's a total fluke he found the place Apparently, he was in the area yesterday morning, having lunch at some pub when some lunatic stuck a load of maggots in his food Said he tried to drive after him but lost him at the roundabout just down the road here and that's when he noticed my sign post -Really? -Yes Yes, he says if he ever sees this chap again, he's going to beat the living shit out of him Never heard such language But anyway, I'll bring him round later so you two can get to know each other I'm sure he's not as bad as he sounds See you later, then, Mr Meldrew There's no need to go to all that trouble, Mr Chucking it down out there Why don't you just leave it till later? If I leave it till later, the place will be packed With all the usual walking wounded, people with tennis rackets through their heads, I'll be lucky to see a doctor this side of Christmas So how do you think they're going to get it out? Well, I imagine they'll just give me eight pints of Tizer and tell everyone to stand well back I'm sure they have a tried and tested procedure for this sort of thing Why is it we don't have any umbrellas any longer? Because you keep leaving them all in restaurants Oh, hang on I think I left that lavender one of mine in the kitchen Lavender one? Yes, if you think I'm going to be seen walking around with that in my hand, you're very much mistaken (THUNDER RUMBLING) Excuse me We've never met before My name is Victor Meldrew I'm a friend of your sister-in-law's, and I think she might have Well, anyway, this is yours, I think, so SKIP HOBERMAN: (ON TV) A ragtag army of farmers and simple goatherds waits for another dawn to break.
But with daylight comes the renewed threat of mortar attack.
And already behind me, forces loyal to the junta have begun shelling rebel positions.
This is Skip Hoberman for CNS News on the southern slopes of the Argai-Bolak pass.
Yes, well If you want to know about pubs, the man to ask is probably my husband, who should be home Oh, talk of the devil Well, that gives us a chance to get off now, doesn't it? I said I'd give you a hand to take that stuff up the tip before it closes Oh, yes That would be handy I'm home Margaret? Sorry about the time I didn't want to get here too soon in case he came round with that ruddy Yes, Victor When you come downstairs, perhaps you'd like to have a wee chat with Mr and Mrs Gleeson, who may soon be moving in next door Mr Swainey and I are just popping out for half an hour Well, nice to have met you both Bye Now, I'm not saying he will get out But if he does, you don't let him know you're frightened, okay? That's the worst thing you can do with a pit bull, that is Right, so he's not dangerous, then, exactly Dangerous? He killed a bleeding swan the other day and brought it back to the house, didn't he? As I say, you got to use a bit of psychology Well, I don't want to hurry you both, but the way the traffic is at this end of town, oh! All right So hope to see you again, perhaps in the near future -Thanks for the beers -Not at all Thank you Bye Okay, so you like the taste of worms Well, thanks very much, then, Mrs Meldrew I appreciate you spending the time Yes I'm surprised at how much junk you do accumulate over the years without even being aware of it Could do with a good clear-out ourselves one of these days, if it comes to that Are you all right, Mr Swainey? I thought you'd be more chipper today with the new house and everything Oh, yeah, yeah, well, of course, I am I suppose It's ever since I gave you that tape to watch That man, he wasn't anyone you -He wasn't a relative or anything? -Oh, no, no, no, no It's just a bit of a shock to the system, something like that, as if, I don't know, someone was taunting me with a glimpse of the man I should have been It's hard to imagine Skip Hoberman living at home with his mother for 40 years, running tombolas like an overgrown Boy Scout Life isn't just about ambition, Mr Swainey Just earning the respect of others as a decent and gentle human being is enough for anyone to be proud of Oh, yeah, I've certainly wheeled a lot of old ladies about, Mrs Meldrew, but who's gonna wheel me about? Victor! I suppose all this will be going into your lecture, will it? To the Women's Institute? Oh, did you get rid of that other monstrosity, by the way, this morning? I forgot to ask I never want to see the likes of that again What is it for them, do you think, about American policemen that's so exciting? Yes, it's hard to imagine having an erotic fantasy about Officer Dibble in Top Cat.
I suppose it must just be a combination of that kind of thing and Policeman and Oh, no You would Yesterday afternoon, when you bought that stuff from Dodgy Douglas Yes? He said he had some nice popcorn out the back, if you fancied it Yes And you said Oh, God, Victor! What? What have I done now? That tape didn't come out of Pippa's bag in there at all It must've fallen out of yours How could it come out of my bag? 'Cause when you came out of that shop yesterday afternoon, you came out with a video of cop porn As if that wasn't bad enough, we've just handed it over to What are they going to think? Right, I'll be off in a sec, then You gonna be all right this evening? I'm not gonna come home and find you with a marmite lid up your bottom or anything? (PHONE RINGING) Trench I'm sorry, Mr Meldrew? Video Yes, yes, I did give the title a quick glance Something to do with Canadian Mounties, wasn't it? Yes, as it happens, I was up at the hospital this morning They were appealing for donations for the new children's annexe Books, videos, toys, that sort of thing And there was a big plastic skip just inside the door, so I put it in there Sorry, Mr Meldrew, are you all right? It just sounded like you were having some kind of pulmonary embolism Video? What video is this, then? This one here containing hardcore gay pornography Quite what compelled him to give it to me in the first place will almost certainly never be known, but it is, I fear, a deranged act which cannot go unpunished Well, what now? It's in a bin at the Chartres General And that casualty closes at 8:00 The cases are passed on to the Bedford -Well, we can't just leave it there -No We certainly can't (WHISTLING) Why is it whenever you're in a good mood, I break out in a cold sweat? Go on, what have you found? Just a brief but rather satisfying item in the local Under the heading, ''Angling for Trouble'' Says, ''Police were called to the Accident and Emergency wing of Chartres General ''on Friday night to investigate reports of a madman on the hospital roof ''The man, believed to be in his 60s, was discovered squatting near a hole ''in the glass skylight, where he appeared to be fishing into a box of toys ''As the officers watched, he proceeded to reel in a succession of video cassettes ''each of which he unhooked, glanced at and then threw back again ''The man, who was later escorted off the premises screaming incoherently about popcorn, ''was subsequently identified as Mr'' Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera So I suppose you're on top of the world now (WHISTLING) Look at this I sent a pocket calculator away to be repaired, and it comes back in all this lot I've just been talking to Mr Swainey out there He's in a good mood Apparently, that Skip Hoberman's just been blown up by a land mine He's taking it as a sign You're better off not trying to be a hero I mean, this is the ultimate proof, isn't it, that we're descended from apes Polystyrene Bloody stuff What are you supposed to do with it? You can't fold it You can't squash it You can't bend it Don't start Oh, stop that! Look, look, the little white globules stuck in the carpet like dandruff If you must do that, take it outside Now, then, I know what this'll be From cousin Ivor Dropped him a line to ask him when he wanted me to give my talk Oh, wonderful -Well, that's that, then -Why? What does he say? ''Dear Victor, thank you for your recent enquiry ''Unfortunately, when we asked if you could address a meeting of the Women's Institute, ''we were not being entirely serious '''Can you imagine,' Gladys says, '''trying to sell tickets to a talk by Victor Meldrew? '''We wouldn't be able to pay people to come!''' Exclamation mark ''Well, our best wishes and love to Margaret Ivor'' (ALSO SPRACH ZARATHUSTRA BY RICHARD STRAUSS PLAYING)
A ragtag army of farmers and simple goatherds waits for another dawn to break.
But with daylight comes the renewed threat of mortar attack.
And already behind me, forces loyal to the junta have begun shelling rebel positions.
This is Skip Hoberman for CNS News on the southern slopes of the Argai-Bolak pass.
What is this supposed to be like? Any good? Depends if you like watching grown men take their clothes off You haven't got anything a bit stronger down there, I suppose? How do you mean exactly, a bit stronger? Pippa, how lovely to see you Come and sit down I think this is still warm I'm sorry about this, but I just had to get away from the Brothers Grimm this morning or go completely doolally Oh, is this the one you've been telling me about? He's been over from Norfolk? Yes Just been out to get him a drop of the hard stuff before we see him off at the station Plus, a little treat for myself, which I think I deserve after three weeks of that I can't remember if you've told me Is he divorced? No, he's never married, Nigel -He's -Got more sense? Well, he's got a crush on Jonathan Dimbleby, which is not quite the same thing Apart from that side of things, he's so much like Patrick it's frightening It's like every phone call is an episode of Kavanagh QC.
I mean, what is it with men? They're another species It's like this one Bought himself a fishing rod now, would you believe? With all the gubbins Think he has the first idea how to cast a line? Took a woodpecker out of a tree the other morning Poor thing ended up beak first down an old lady's jogging shorts What a nightmare! Oh, I should be picking up a prescription Oh, right, well, I'll tag along with you, as far as the bus stop Oh, for God's sake! (DOOR OPENING) I don't know That surgery gets worse Talk about headless chickens Oh, and why didn't you throw this back, Victor? Sorry? Into the bloody fridge where it came from? Must be at least three days past its sell-by Why you keep going in that place is beyond me You know, I think he's chiselled me out of that popcorn -Out of what? -Dodgy Douglas He said he'd a nice bit of popcorn at the back, if I fancied it, to go with the video -Then he didn't put it in, if you please -Leave it What with that other bastard first thing, I'd just about had a day of it Still, it'll be good material for when I give my talk Your talk? Why a bunch of old dears would want to sit and listen to you moan and groan about everything under the sun, I can't imagine I think your cousin Ivor must be going soft in the head ''PS Gladys sends her love and says, '''When are you going to come and give a little lecture to our Women's Institute? '''We're sure the Gospel according to Victor Meldrew '''would be the highlight of their year!''' Exclamation mark I'm thinking of basing it around the theme of evolution gone wrong Neanderthal man did not in fact die out He went to work for Sky Digital Ruddy performance we had with them Oh, you'll never guess what I saw this morning on the news An American reporter who looked just like Mr Swainey It was incredible I think the tape is still in there because I was watching it before Pippa came round Says she's just about had a bellyful of it lately, what with Patrick's brother coming over to stay Really? I didn't know he had one Yes Gay, apparently But just like Patrick in every respect I suppose it must just be coincidence, that other But I thought Oh Tsk, tsk, tsk What's this she's left behind? Do you mean they're completely identical? Sorry? Oh, well, yes Facially, the spitting image I wonder why he never said anything -Who? -Patrick What about? Perhaps they just try and steer clear of each other I mean, if you've got a twin brother who's gay, it could lead to all sorts of mix-ups Do you want to peel those potatoes while I get this pie on? Yeah Can do What's this? Oh, I don't know Some video that Pippa left behind ''Dwayne Spartacus and Mighty Joe Schlong ''in Mounted Police 5.
'' Yes, I might sit and watch that after tea if there's nothing else on, while you do the washing up Now, can we imagine in our wildest dreams that he's been back to fix it? After he's just won a fortune on the lottery? I should think he's jacked the job in He's halfway to Barbados by now Or have a few firm words on the phone this morning taught him the error of his ways? The little bastard I'll kill him (MEN GROANING ON TV) (MEN MOANING ON TV) Victor VICTOR: Yes What is this racket? What is this? It's not Dixon of Dock Green.
(YELPING) Can you imagine going out and buying your brother-in-law something like that? Hard stuff, she said My God! I mean, is that what some men actually -Where do you think she got it? -I don't know All I know is that's your first job tomorrow morning, to take it back to them Where did I put those smelling salts? Oh, thanks for polishing off my cabernet I've been looking forward to that all afternoon Oh, I'm sorry I thought it was going begging After all the upheaval today, I needed something to steady my nerves What? I don't know I just suddenly felt a bit clogged up from the Some reason I mean, just look at that You've done everything but suck the bloody cork Where is the cork anyway? There's no way of saying this delicately, Patrick It's gone quite a long way in Don't just stand there twittering Get it out Oh, right What am I now? A qualified proctologist? How? Well, I don't know How do you normally get a cork out? I suppose Not that one, you witless woman The one in the drawer that we take on holiday How's that going to work? I feel very uncomfortable doing this Isn't that funny? Whereas I seem to be growing ever more relaxed and confident Can you just get on with it, please? (PATRICK SCREAMING) I'm sorry about that Perhaps we'd better call the hospital Morning, Mr Meldrew You're up bright and early I thought You never said you were only moving two doors along Sorry? Oh, yes I always wanted an end-house and, as I say, wanted to make a fresh start without really leaving the area So, soon as I heard the McVities were emigrating, I leapt straight in with an offer Of course, I still haven't found a buyer for number 21 , but isn't that funny? You didn't know about it -Funny? Why -MARGARET: Morning, Mr Swainey -You settling in all right? -Oh, yes There's that news report I was telling you about You see what you make of that when you have a moment I will, Mrs Meldrew Sounds very intriguing That was another thing, Mr Meldrew I've got a couple coming round to view at 3:00 The estate agent says they sound quite serious Mr and Mrs Gleeson Oh, right Fingers crossed there, then Yes, he said that the husband was a very nasty piece of work, apparently Very violent And by all accounts, it's a total fluke he found the place Apparently, he was in the area yesterday morning, having lunch at some pub when some lunatic stuck a load of maggots in his food Said he tried to drive after him but lost him at the roundabout just down the road here and that's when he noticed my sign post -Really? -Yes Yes, he says if he ever sees this chap again, he's going to beat the living shit out of him Never heard such language But anyway, I'll bring him round later so you two can get to know each other I'm sure he's not as bad as he sounds See you later, then, Mr Meldrew There's no need to go to all that trouble, Mr Chucking it down out there Why don't you just leave it till later? If I leave it till later, the place will be packed With all the usual walking wounded, people with tennis rackets through their heads, I'll be lucky to see a doctor this side of Christmas So how do you think they're going to get it out? Well, I imagine they'll just give me eight pints of Tizer and tell everyone to stand well back I'm sure they have a tried and tested procedure for this sort of thing Why is it we don't have any umbrellas any longer? Because you keep leaving them all in restaurants Oh, hang on I think I left that lavender one of mine in the kitchen Lavender one? Yes, if you think I'm going to be seen walking around with that in my hand, you're very much mistaken (THUNDER RUMBLING) Excuse me We've never met before My name is Victor Meldrew I'm a friend of your sister-in-law's, and I think she might have Well, anyway, this is yours, I think, so SKIP HOBERMAN: (ON TV) A ragtag army of farmers and simple goatherds waits for another dawn to break.
But with daylight comes the renewed threat of mortar attack.
And already behind me, forces loyal to the junta have begun shelling rebel positions.
This is Skip Hoberman for CNS News on the southern slopes of the Argai-Bolak pass.
Yes, well If you want to know about pubs, the man to ask is probably my husband, who should be home Oh, talk of the devil Well, that gives us a chance to get off now, doesn't it? I said I'd give you a hand to take that stuff up the tip before it closes Oh, yes That would be handy I'm home Margaret? Sorry about the time I didn't want to get here too soon in case he came round with that ruddy Yes, Victor When you come downstairs, perhaps you'd like to have a wee chat with Mr and Mrs Gleeson, who may soon be moving in next door Mr Swainey and I are just popping out for half an hour Well, nice to have met you both Bye Now, I'm not saying he will get out But if he does, you don't let him know you're frightened, okay? That's the worst thing you can do with a pit bull, that is Right, so he's not dangerous, then, exactly Dangerous? He killed a bleeding swan the other day and brought it back to the house, didn't he? As I say, you got to use a bit of psychology Well, I don't want to hurry you both, but the way the traffic is at this end of town, oh! All right So hope to see you again, perhaps in the near future -Thanks for the beers -Not at all Thank you Bye Okay, so you like the taste of worms Well, thanks very much, then, Mrs Meldrew I appreciate you spending the time Yes I'm surprised at how much junk you do accumulate over the years without even being aware of it Could do with a good clear-out ourselves one of these days, if it comes to that Are you all right, Mr Swainey? I thought you'd be more chipper today with the new house and everything Oh, yeah, yeah, well, of course, I am I suppose It's ever since I gave you that tape to watch That man, he wasn't anyone you -He wasn't a relative or anything? -Oh, no, no, no, no It's just a bit of a shock to the system, something like that, as if, I don't know, someone was taunting me with a glimpse of the man I should have been It's hard to imagine Skip Hoberman living at home with his mother for 40 years, running tombolas like an overgrown Boy Scout Life isn't just about ambition, Mr Swainey Just earning the respect of others as a decent and gentle human being is enough for anyone to be proud of Oh, yeah, I've certainly wheeled a lot of old ladies about, Mrs Meldrew, but who's gonna wheel me about? Victor! I suppose all this will be going into your lecture, will it? To the Women's Institute? Oh, did you get rid of that other monstrosity, by the way, this morning? I forgot to ask I never want to see the likes of that again What is it for them, do you think, about American policemen that's so exciting? Yes, it's hard to imagine having an erotic fantasy about Officer Dibble in Top Cat.
I suppose it must just be a combination of that kind of thing and Policeman and Oh, no You would Yesterday afternoon, when you bought that stuff from Dodgy Douglas Yes? He said he had some nice popcorn out the back, if you fancied it Yes And you said Oh, God, Victor! What? What have I done now? That tape didn't come out of Pippa's bag in there at all It must've fallen out of yours How could it come out of my bag? 'Cause when you came out of that shop yesterday afternoon, you came out with a video of cop porn As if that wasn't bad enough, we've just handed it over to What are they going to think? Right, I'll be off in a sec, then You gonna be all right this evening? I'm not gonna come home and find you with a marmite lid up your bottom or anything? (PHONE RINGING) Trench I'm sorry, Mr Meldrew? Video Yes, yes, I did give the title a quick glance Something to do with Canadian Mounties, wasn't it? Yes, as it happens, I was up at the hospital this morning They were appealing for donations for the new children's annexe Books, videos, toys, that sort of thing And there was a big plastic skip just inside the door, so I put it in there Sorry, Mr Meldrew, are you all right? It just sounded like you were having some kind of pulmonary embolism Video? What video is this, then? This one here containing hardcore gay pornography Quite what compelled him to give it to me in the first place will almost certainly never be known, but it is, I fear, a deranged act which cannot go unpunished Well, what now? It's in a bin at the Chartres General And that casualty closes at 8:00 The cases are passed on to the Bedford -Well, we can't just leave it there -No We certainly can't (WHISTLING) Why is it whenever you're in a good mood, I break out in a cold sweat? Go on, what have you found? Just a brief but rather satisfying item in the local Under the heading, ''Angling for Trouble'' Says, ''Police were called to the Accident and Emergency wing of Chartres General ''on Friday night to investigate reports of a madman on the hospital roof ''The man, believed to be in his 60s, was discovered squatting near a hole ''in the glass skylight, where he appeared to be fishing into a box of toys ''As the officers watched, he proceeded to reel in a succession of video cassettes ''each of which he unhooked, glanced at and then threw back again ''The man, who was later escorted off the premises screaming incoherently about popcorn, ''was subsequently identified as Mr'' Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera So I suppose you're on top of the world now (WHISTLING) Look at this I sent a pocket calculator away to be repaired, and it comes back in all this lot I've just been talking to Mr Swainey out there He's in a good mood Apparently, that Skip Hoberman's just been blown up by a land mine He's taking it as a sign You're better off not trying to be a hero I mean, this is the ultimate proof, isn't it, that we're descended from apes Polystyrene Bloody stuff What are you supposed to do with it? You can't fold it You can't squash it You can't bend it Don't start Oh, stop that! Look, look, the little white globules stuck in the carpet like dandruff If you must do that, take it outside Now, then, I know what this'll be From cousin Ivor Dropped him a line to ask him when he wanted me to give my talk Oh, wonderful -Well, that's that, then -Why? What does he say? ''Dear Victor, thank you for your recent enquiry ''Unfortunately, when we asked if you could address a meeting of the Women's Institute, ''we were not being entirely serious '''Can you imagine,' Gladys says, '''trying to sell tickets to a talk by Victor Meldrew? '''We wouldn't be able to pay people to come!''' Exclamation mark ''Well, our best wishes and love to Margaret Ivor'' (ALSO SPRACH ZARATHUSTRA BY RICHARD STRAUSS PLAYING)