Only Fools and Horses (1981) s06e05 Episode Script

Oh come on, CassandraYeah, I know you've got your studying to do.
Can't we just go out for a quick drink or a pizza or something, then you can do your studying when you get home.
Well, you know it's 'cos I like being with you.
I sort of miss you when we're not together.
Alright, I'll tell you the truth.
I'm bored stiff in this flat What? No, that's Albert, he's got himself a new spin dryer, well it was new once! He bought it cheap 'cos of the bomb damage.
Yes, at the moment it's jumping around the kitchen like a Dalek with St Vitus's dance.
Del? He's asleep in the chair with his dodgy stomach Yeah, he's still getting them pains.
Well, he's going out later for a vindaloo No, to him, he says it's a sort of alternative medicine Cause I don't want to go out with him for a curry That's alright, I'll just stay in here.
Albert's got that old bird of his coming round you know Elsie Partridge, remember I told you about her.
We'll most probably put on some Max Bygraves platters and sit here talkig about our ailments.
It's a pity Del's going out really, he'd have enjoyed that.
Oh, that's very nice of them.
Well, tell your parents thank you very much, I'd love to come to tea tomorrow.
Seven o'clock, alright.
I can't.
Because Del's in the room.
You know I love you.
Don't I tell you often enough? Do you love me? Oh very funny, Cassandra, I'm laughing this end as well Alright, alright, I'll see you tomorrow.
Here y'are son.
I got us Chinese take-away earlier.
I've got fried pork, fried rice and fried something.
How can you stay out in the kitchen with all that heat and steam? I'm an old naval stoker, ain't I? That's nothing to me.
I remember coming round Cape Horn once, I was on this merchantman.
The things you and your mates used to get up to, eh? A merchantman's a ship.
It was so hot and steamy in our boiler room that when I come out I was shrivelled like a prune.
So, that's what caused it.
I hate it when you're in a sarky mood.
D'you reckon Del Boy will like all this fried food? He's been getting a bit of jip in his tommy lately.
- Yeah, it will be alright.
- Maybe you're right.
I'll get the knives and forks.
Sorry, excuse me.
- You alright, bruv? - Yeah, how you feeling? Triffic, Rodders, brill.
What's all that funny whirring sound? - That's Albert's spin dryer.
- His what? Stone me! What is your game? What are you doing buying this old junk? Here, look at that, it's knocking all the paint off the units.
I got it as an investment, Del.
It cost us 50 pence to get our clothes dry at the laundromat.
I bought that off the bloke upstairs for a score.
You dozy old twonk! That's the one I sold him last week for a tenner.
Why didn't you come and ask me about these things first? I didn't like to bother you, with you being ill.
Ill? I'm not ill.
There's nothing wrong with me.
But you got that tommy trouble again.
I ain't got any tommy trouble.
There's nothing wrong with me.
They're just normal pains.
Well, you came in tonight and flopped straight down that chair in agony.
You don't understand Unc, that is PMA.
I thought only women got that.
No no Rodney, that's PMP.
PMA is positive mental attitude.
It's the new buzzword.
It's what all us yuppies get.
See, when I came in, I lay down on this chair and what I was doing, I was psyching myself up for the challenge of tomorrow.
So what was all the sweating and holding your belly about? Oh that was nothing.
There's nothing wro Rodney, go to the bathroom get me some Andrews Liver Salts, will you? I'll get you a plate of Chinese, Del.
Gawd knows what those local takeaways are gonna do when they know we're gonna move.
Move? Didn't you see that letter? It arrived this morning.
It says on the envelope it's from the council housing department.
I know, I've seen it, I've read it, thank you.
Is it about them letting us buy this flat? No, it's not about them letting us buy this flat.
It's about them evicting us from this flat.
- Evicting us? - Keep your voice down, will ya? I don't want Rodney to hear any of this.
I haven't paid the rent on this flat here for the last three months.
Cor blimey! I knew things were a bit tight but I didn't know they were that bad.
Things haven't been going very well for me, All me investments have gone sideways.
Rodney's been down the market all this week trying to flog these exclusive women's fashions.
But all the frost and sleet nobody seems interested for these summer dresses.
I've been tucked up by some of my other investments and at the end I just couldn't afford to pay the rent.
No, but you're still drinking those pina coladas down the wine bars.
You're still eating in the curry houses and the bistros.
That is all on slate.
I've gotta keep me image, haven't I? Once your competitors find out that you get an inkling that you're going down the pan, they can't wait to pull the chain on you.
And that little plonker Rodney hasn't been any help, either! Yeah, I suppose you're right.
Don't worry about it, Del.
Don't worry about it! I haven't had a decent night's kip for the last two weeks worrying about it.
It's with me everywhere, all the time.
Something'll turn up right out of the blue, you'll see.
He who dares wins, eh? Yeah, he who dares wins.
Oh you cowson.
You've gotta see a quack with that belly of yours.
I don't wanna see no doctor, cause there's nothing wrong with me.
Don't you go and get no doctor, Albert.
I don't like doctors.
You gotta go and see that Scottish quack, what's his name, Doctor Meadows.
He's not like the normal doctors he's sort of human.
- You know, you can talk to him, he's like a mate.
- I don't want to go to speak to no Doctor Meadows cause there's nothing wrong with me, alright? It's your life son.
Yes, it is my life and I don't wanna hear no more about it.
Don't you think Del Boy ought to go to the docor's with his belly? He won't go to the doctor's, though, will he? 'Cos he's terrified of doctors.
I am not terrified of doctors.
The reason I am not going to see Dr Meadows is 'cos there's nothing wrong with me.
You're winding me up, Rodney.
- You seeing Cassandra tonight? - No, not tonight, Unc.
No, he's seeing her tomorrow night for tea.
That's right.
Her mum and dad said I could You cunning git, you was ear wigging my conversation.
'Of course I love you, Cassandra.
I tell you often enough, don't I?' That is out of order, Derek.
You could call this phone, Rodney! You could have talked in one of the other rooms.
Like where? I couldn't use my bedroom 'cos the walls are so thin the people next door can hear, and I can't use the kitchen 'cos you've got R2D2 break-dancing in there.
You could use the bathroom.
The bathr Albert, I cannot hold a romantic conversation surrounded by damp towels, Del's soggy espadrilles and a bog with no lid.
Anyway, it's freezing in that bathroom.
You've noticed that as well, have you? Well, you can hardly fail to notice it, can you? Our bathroom window gets condensation on the outside.
Why d'you think that room is so cold? Well, I don't know, do I? Now listen, son, listen.
You may call me a soppy old sod You're a soppy old sod.
Look, be serious, Rodney.
Us sailors are superstitious, It's sort of an affinity with the supernatural, and I think there's a presence in that room.
A presence? When you're in the shower, don't you feel there's someone else there with you? Yeah but there usually is.
It's either Del having a shave or you doing your toenails.
The reason that room is so cold is it's possessed.
Oh leave off, Unc.
Elsie Partridge is a medium.
She knows all there is to know about the supernatural, and she said she can sense a presence in that bathroom.
Blimey! It's like a sauna out here.
Will you come and switch this thing off.
It's nearly finished, Del.
D'you want to put anything else in it? Yes, your head.
Have you ever noticed how cold our bathroom is? Yeah, yeah I have.
It does get a bit tatas out there, after a while, don't it? When you're in there, right, do you ever get the feeling that you're not alone? You mean as if there's somebody in there with you? What, sort of a strange feeling? Like as if you're being watched? No! Why? Do you? No, no.
It's Albert reckons it's possessed.
Possessed? Do me a favour.
Give us a couple of months and it might be repossessed if you like.
Elsie Partridge thinks our bathroom is haunted.
Oh stop it, will you? You hurt me! Elsie Partridge is a medium.
Is she? Well, you better whip that round to her, then.
That will fit her a treat, I tell ya! I'm not talking about her dress size.
She's a spiritualist.
She can contact the departed.
That's most probably where she pulled you.
She has powers, Del.
She in one of the true communicators.
Back in the early Sixties she used to hold regular meetings in that hall above John Colliers.
People come from miles around to listen to Elsie.
They paid thousands of pounds to use her powers of communication.
I think there is more to this occult lark than meets the eye, Del.
Do me a favour, Rodders.
No self-respecting ghost is gonna haunt our bathroom, is it? Specially after he's been in there.
Then why is it always so cold? Well, it could be one of two reasons.
One, it could be as you two say that the phantom of the karzy has struck again.
Or, two, it could be something to do with the fact that the council has put our extractor fan in the wrong way round.
Oh yeah.
They were supposed to come back and mend it, weren't they? Ghosts and ghouls! You two slaughter me.
I suppose that extractor fan could have something to do with it.
Thousands of pounds? You said they paid that Elsie Partridge thousands of pounds? Yeah.
But she never took a penny of it, Del.
She used to send it all to Battersea Dog's Home.
I bet she wished she'd have kept some of it now she's only got her pension to live on.
But they still paid her all that lovely money, though? Yeah, they'd pay a fortune to talk to their No, no, Del.
She's retired.
- Maybe she'd like a little part-time job.
- No, just drop it, Del? Don't you see what this means? This means that you were right.
You said 'Don't worry, something will come out the blue to save our bacon.
And this is it.
Me and Elsie Partridge, what a combination.
The old-age pensioner with a priceless gift and a successful yuppy who's brassic flint.
We could make a fortune for each other.
I do believe that this is God sending me a sign.
- Come and sit down, Del.
- What can I get you? Pina Colada with lots of ice.
- Here Boycie, can we have a word? - What is it? Do you remember that old Cortina you said me and Jevon would never sell? What Cortina's that then? That two-tone one - blue and rust.
Well me and Mickey sold it the other day.
But that Cortina was a death trap.
You should be ashamed of yourselves! But you sold it to us! Did I? So I did, that's right.
It wasn't a bad little run around, was it? Are you and Jevon partners now or something, are you? - Yeah, we're doing a bit of trading.
- We specialise in anything.
Why don't you pop down my showrooms during the week? I've got a few old bangers out the back you might have a go at.
Yeah, thanks Boyce.
Here, would your Marlene be interested in a Crimplene dress with great big flowers all over it? Well of course she wouldn't.
Oh that's a shame, 'cos Rodney Trotter's got loads of 'em.
If there's anything else you want, Mrs Partridge, just give us a shout.
- She's here.
- Who's here? That spiritualist woman.
Here, to tell you the truth, Trigg, I'm having second thoughts about letting Del use that room upstairs for this seance.
You don't honestly believe in all that mumbo jumbo, do you Michael? I don't actually believe it.
I just don't like taking the chance.
Michael, if Elsie Partridge really could raise the dead, half the money lenders in Peckham would be employing her.
No, no, it's all a load of old tosh.
Only a simpleton would believe in it.
- I believe in it.
- Say no more.
He still leaves a glass of milk and biscuits out on Christmas Eve.
My mum went to a seance once.
She got a message from the other side.
It said she would meet a tall, bald, strange man who would alter her fortune.
A week later she got mugged by a skinhead.
There you go Boycie, you can't argue with that can you? There's got to be something in all this supernatural stuff.
My old gran was a bit of a medium.
A few years after my grandfather died she made contact with him.
Oh yeah? What did he say? - Nothing.
- Nothing? Well he was dead weren't he? Yes, but she'd just made contact across the veil.
For the last 15 years of his life they didn't talk to each other.
- And he kept the row going? - Yeah.
Well, he was a stubborn man.
Well, they must have been interesting seances.
A mad medium and a spook with the hump.
Hold up, here come the Ghostbusters.
A pina colada for me, the usual for everyone else.
Del, a word.
Alright, Michael.
Yes, coming, coming.
Are you paying for these drinks or what? Don't worry about it Michael it'll be alright.
This slate of yours, Del, is getting out of hand.
That Mrs Partridge has just arrived, right, and she's had food and drink all on your slate.
Don't go on about it, Mike.
Over the last few months you've had more cocktails than James Bond and a fried lunch every day and all on the slate.
Gimme a couple of weeks and I'll sort it out with you.
You've had about 10 packs of cigars all on the slate and even the rent for the room upstairs in on the slate.
Unless your attitude changes, I should be forced to take my business elsewhere.
- Good.
- No wait a minute Michael, sit down.
I've been sailing the good ship Trotter through a little patch of fiscal turbulence, right? But as soon as I get old Elsie Partridge firing on all four cylinders I'll be laughing.
I mean, within a month she'll be bringing 'em back to order.
I've worked out a little price list.
Neighbours and family friends, three quid.
Relatives a fiver, spouses and pets a tenner each, and a score for Elvis Presley.
This time next year I'll be a millionaire.
Just think what this is going to do to you, Michael.
She'll be drawing them in from the four corners of the kingdom, right? So not only will you be getting the rent for the room upstairs but once the show is finished all the pilgrim'll be pouring down here having a jolly-up won't they? Your takings will treble overnight Michael.
You know it makes sense, don't ya? - Yeah, I suppose so.
- Sit down, Boyce.
- I'm still a bit worried, though.
- Oh leave it out, Michael.
We're dealing with the powers of darkness here.
I mean, are we gonna end up with the table and chairs flying all around the bar? No more than a normal Friday night.
I agree with Mike.
We're messing around with the supernatural.
It's no telling what evil forces we might evoke.
Yeah, you could have Satan himself come crashing through the wall.
Well, it's a pity Rodney put on his best suit then, innit? This pub was built on the site of a public grave, where the victims of the great plague were buried.
That's all we need innit? Them popping up to celebrate Agincourt.
They'd all be covered in boils and scabs and things.
Like a Singing Detective look-alike contest, won't it? Sounds like her sign to get started.
Well, it might not mean that.
Either that or she's got cramp in her wooden leg.
Come on, Rodders, come on lads, let's get up there.
Elsie, don't forget this is only a dummy run.
So don't go knocking your pipe out.
The real seance, when the panthers come in with the seriour doh-rey-me is not till next Tuesday night.
Derek, God gave me the gift to communicate with the next world.
I've never profitted by it, I only want to share it with people.
And God gave me the gift to make bunds, and I only want to share it with you.
So you're not going to say no to a bit of cash in the pinney, are ya? - I suppose not - Of course you're not.
Lovely Jubbly, so everyone's a winner, right.
Ready when you are, Elsie.
Eyes down for a full house and we're off and running.
Now, before we start I would like to know, have any of you been in a seance before? - I've been in quite a few.
- I think he started most of them - Will you show some respect.
- Alright Rodney, it's only a bit of a laugh, innit? No Derek, it is not a bit of a laugh.
It's a very serious matter.
Alright.
Anything you say sweetheart.
Now, before we start, have any of you any questions? They don't actually appear in the room, do they - you know, the spirits? Oh, don't worry Mike, just do what you normally do.
Water 'em down.
There's no materialization.
They appear to me, only because of my gift of paranormal perception.
She's all the patter, ain't she Rodney? I can feel a whip-round coming on.
- Will you shut up for five minutes.
- So we don't actually hear them chatting, or what have yer? No, they speak through me.
I am the receiver, the antenna, the aerial.
Now, those spirits who wish to communicate will congregate behind you.
- So, can I actually foresee the future? - No.
This is not astrology or fortune telling.
Though, the spirits may give advice or warning, which if acted upon could alter your future lives.
Cause he'll might get a tip for the Derby.
Come along, cut it out Del Boy, let's show a bit of respect.
Now, I think it's time we began.
May I ask you once contact has been made, refrain from interrupting.
Now, hands on the table.
Fingers touching.
Concentrate.
- What's she doing? - She's going - I can see that, why is she doing it? - She's gone into a trance.
Thank Gawd for that.
She had one of my pies earlier.
The spirits are with us.
A man has stepped forward.
A tall, elderly man wearing a black coat and a black hat.
He wishes to speak to someone called Audrey No, no, Aubrey.
Aubrey? - I am here.
- Aubrey? It's my middle name.
You never said your name was Aubrey.
Nor would you if your name was Aubrey.
This man seems agitated.
He's brandishing a piece of paper.
Have you any idea who it could be? No.
This piece of paper, it's not a logbook for a Cortina, is it? No, it's a photograph.
A black and white photograph.
It shows this man, but years younger.
There's an odd-looking boy standing beside him, five or six years old, evil face.
Boycie, it's you and your dad.
Yeah, that's right.
He's the only one who ever called me Aubrey.
There is a sadness about the photograph, as though something is missing.
Of course, your mother, she isn't with you.
No.
Had she passed over to the other side? No.
She was taking the photo.
I see.
This man is worried.
He says you must be a good father, you must look after your child.
Is he having a pop at me or something? Elsie.
Boycie and his wife Marlene can't have kids.
They've been trying for years, you know, but nitto.
Yeah, they've had tests, things frozen, everything.
The hospital's just about given up with him.
He's low on something.
Do you mind not discussing my personal life in front of strangers? You could tell my old man to keep his nose out of my business.
He was always having a go at me for not giving him a grandchild.
Calm down, Aubrey.
And you can wrap up for a start.
I'm gonna get a drink.
It's a load of old rubbish anyway.
I never believed a word of it.
Excuse me.
Are the spirits still with us, Elsie? Yes, yes, yes.
They're still here.
Close the circle.
Someone else has stepped out.
It's a woman.
Tall and slender, long golden-brown hair.
Fingers covered in rings of ruby and gold.
Bracelets adorn the wrists.
You know who that is, don't you? Sounds like Jimmy Saville.
Jimmy Saville! That is our mother.
Sorry, Del Boy, Dave.
Jimmy Saville! Yeah, that's right, bruv.
Bloody cheek.
She says she is proud of her children.
She says you have both worked hard to succeed.
But never mind.
She wants you to know that she is with you always.
Wherever you are, whatever you are doing she is looking over you.
She says you mustn't mourn her any longer.
She is happy.
She says she is at peace and - Mrs Partridge.
- Don't interrupt, Rodney.
I just wanted to clear something up.
When she says she's looking over us all the time, right, well, she don't mean all the time does she? I'd think the spirit world would have its own ideas of discretion.
I was just wondering.
She is concerned for you, Derek.
- Me? What about me? - She is concerned for your health.
I'm alright, Mum, nothing wrong, never felt better.
She says you are not well.
She feels your pain.
Ah no, that's just a bit of jip, that's all.
Most probably an onion bhaji lodged somewhere.
She wants you to go and see a doctor.
- There's nothing the matter with me.
- She insists.
No, I don't want to go and see a doctor.
You know I don't like doctors.
Oh they're becoming distant.
They're drifting away.
Can't you get 'em back, Elsie? Is there anybody there? If there's anybody there, talk to us.
Say something.
Lager's off.
You made me jump.
What d'you think you made us do? Well, I had to tell you I've got customers waiting down there.
- Alright, alright, I'm coming.
- I'll get your coat, Elsie.
- So what you gonna do, Del? - What about? About the message from Mum.
Oh do me a favour, Rodney.
You didn't believe all that, did you? Well, you seemed pretty convinced.
At one point I thought you were gonna suck your thumb and throw a paddy.
I was only doing that for Elsie's, weren't I? I mean, she's a genuine old lady who most probably believes she is getting these messages.
But at the end of the day it's a load of old rubbish.
Yeah, I think Del Boy's right, Dave.
I mean, she got a message saying that Boycie's gotta look after his kid.
Yeah, that's right, and everyone knows that Nelson's Column's got more chance of knocking out a nipper than Boycie.
So you're not going to the doctor's? No, I am not going to the doctor's 'cos there is nothing wrong with me.
See you in the bar, Albert.
- Come on down, Rodney.
- It wll only take you 10 minutes.
Thanks for doing that, Elsie.
That was the first time I've ever lied to anyone at a sitting.
I only gave Derek that message because you asked me to.
I'm grateful.
He wouldn't take any notice of me and Rodney.
The only one he'd ever listen to was his mum.
Right then, come on, Rodney, here, Nerys.
Where are them posters? Rodney stick these up in the window.
The sooner the devotees know about them the better.
Marlene, hello darling.
What are you doing here? Boycie's just told me what that Elsie Partridge said.
Now don't you start.
I've been having enough trouble with Rodney and Albert.
There is nothing the matter with me.
I'm not talking about your illness.
I mean what she said to Boycie.
Listen, darling, you don't wanna take any notice of what Elsie Partridge says because it's all a con, you see.
No, you don't understand.
I'm having a baby.
You're what? I've just had it confirmed at the hospital.
So what do you think about that then? What's up with him then? Sympathy pains.
A lot of men go through phantom pregnancies.
I thought that only happened to the father.
Come in.
Sorry, is Dr Meadows about, a Scottish doctor? No, Dr Meadows left general practice two years ago.
He's working at the local hospital.
I've taken over from him.
I'm Dr Shaheed.
You're a woman.
Well, well, so I am.
Nobody ever tells me anything these days.
You're Mr Trotter.
- I know.
- Well, come in, take a seat.
- What's the problem? - Me? No, nothing at all.
- You're not ill? - Never felt better in me life.
Mr Trotter, I have a waiting-room full of sick people.
Now, what is it you want? A certificate? No, no, I don't want a certificate.
I mean, I'm self-unemployed.
No, it's just it's hardly worth bothering you about, really.
Why don't you let me be the judge of that? What's the problem? Alright, I've been getting a bit of a Cynthia.
- Cynthia? - Pain Where do you get this pain? Well, all over, really.
I mean, this morning I got in the lift going down to the No, no.
Where on your body? - Oh right.
I get in the old New Delhi.
- New Delhi? Yeah, the belly.
You're not from round these parts, are you? No, I'm from New Delhi.
Really? Not much point calling you in an emergency then, is it? I mean I was born in New Delhi and I now live in Peckham.
Yeah, I know.
It was just a joke, you see.
Oh yes, very good.
What sort of pain is it? Well it hurts.
- Yes, but is it a sharp pan or a dull pain? - Well, it's a bit of both really.
Would you strip to the waist, please, Mr Trotter.
No, no, it's alright, doc, there's no need for that.
Just give me a couple of pills, that's all.
I'd like to examine you.
Please strip to the waist and lie on the couch.
- Do you smoke, Mr Trotter? - Not just now, thank you, doctor.
I wasn't offering, I was enquiring.
Oh, I see.
No, I don't smoke.
Well, I ave one cigar a year on Christmas night, but I'm trying to cut down.
One cigar a year wouldn't do you much harm.
Do you have any trouble passing water? I had a dizzy spell going over Tower Bridge once.
You have bouts of dizziness? No, no.
It was a joke, doctor.
I think it would be best if we stopped all the joking, I'm finding it rather confusing.
Do you ever suffer with constipation? No, regular as clockwork.
You have plenty of roughage in your diet? Nothing but roughage.
Muesli, brown bread, all that.
I'm a very organic person.
That's very good.
Even in this day and age you'd be surprised the number of people still exist on fried foods and takeaways.
Eurgh! Not me, doc.
I'm like a walking Grobag.
When they bury me there'll be rhubarb everywhere within six months.
Mr Trotter.
When I said strip to the waist, I meant the top half.
You can put your shirt back on now, Mr Trotter.
- I hope my stephoscope wasn't too cold for you? - No, not at all.
- Round here, we call 'em deafascopes.
- Really? Why? Couse, if you can't hear anything, either we're dead or you're deaf.
Are you a heavy drinker, Mr Trotter? Me? No I'm teetotal.
Well, I have the old mineral water, goat skimmed milk and all that.
- You have a very high pulse rate.
- Oh thank you, doctor.
No, I'm concerned about it.
I mean, it's almost as if you're frightened of something.
Frightened, me? No, I don't know the meaning of the word.
No, I know what it was.
I jogged down here to the surgery from the gym this evening.
Ah, that would explain it.
I wish all my patients were as health-conscious as you, Mr Trotter.
Oh mais oui, mais oui.
What d'you reckon the pains are then, doc? To tell you the truth I'm not sure.
I'd like you to go down to the local hospital and have a few tests done.
OK.
I'll make an appointment tomorrow morning then, shall I? No, I'd like you to go now.
Now? What? You mean this minute? Yes.
You may have a grumbling appendix.
Now I emphasize the word 'may'.
If that should prove to be the case we have to remove it as quickly as possible.
- You mean cut it out? - Yes, I mean cut it out.
- But it might not be me appendix? - Maybe.
So if it's not me appendix, what could it be? Well, let's not speculate.
Let's hope it's an appendix then, shall we? I don't have to go by ambulance, do I? No, but I don't want you jogging there.
You can call a minicab.
No, that's alright.
I'll give my brother a bell.
He can come down and take me down there.
I'll call the hospital and tell them you're on your way.
- I'll use the phone in reception.
- Yeah, alright then, doc.
Rodney? Hello Rodders, it's me, Del Boy.
Yes, I'm here at the doctor's.
Yes, listen.
There's nothing to worry about, but I want you to come down here and give me a lift down to the hospital Yeah, I've got to go there right away.
Listen, listen.
I said there's nothing to worry about.
I don't want you driving down here at a hundred miles an hour and having an accident, nothing like that Of course I can't get a cab! I don't care if Neighbours has just started.
Look, I am at the quack's and I want you to take me to the hospital.
I need you here Rodney.
I don't wanna go on my own Yeah, alright, I'll see you in a minute.
What can I get you, Rodney? A lemonade with ice, non-alcoholic lager top and a small rum, please.
Any news from the hospital? No, not really.
He ain't got a grumbling appendix.
They don't seem to know what it is.
Still, they're keeping him in, they're running tests, keeping him under observation.
- Must be horrible that.
- What? Well, lying in bed all day with someone standing there looking at you.
No, Trigg, they don't just keep Yeah, must be horrible.
Years ago I had a mate like that.
Doctor's couldn't find out what was wrong with him.
- And he died, did he? - Yeah Oh no, I'm not saying that Del's got that.
Well let's hope not, eh? Listen, Mike.
We're going to visit him this evening and he asked if you'd do him a bacon sandwich and lots of brown sauce 'cos he can't stand that hospital food.
But it'll be cold and greasy by this evening.
Yeah, that's how he likes it, He also said would you send up a bottle of coke and put some Bacardi in it, so as the old matron won't suss it? Leave it to me, Rodney.
Cheer up a little bit, Rodney.
I mean, Del's in the best place, isn't he? Oh yeah, he's in the best place.
I just wish they knew what was wrong with him.
Maybe on second thoughts I don't wanna know.
When I was stationed out in New Guinea Oh God.
A crew-mate of mine went down with a mysterious tummy bug just like Del's.
The finest medical brains in Jayapura couldn't make out what it was.
No? Your dad still thinking about buying that new jag? He's looking at one tomorrow.
Until this American surgeon arrived on the scene.
He twigged it straight away.
- And what was it? - Green parrot's disease.
Well, that's certainly worth knowing, Albert.
Thank you very much.
Are you going to tell the doctor in charge of Del's case? You know, he might not have thought of it.
No, that would have been one of the first things he would have thought How the hell's Del gonna get green parrot's disease in Peckham? Well, I admit it's a long shot.
I'm just grabbing at straws, I s'pose.
Yeah, yeah, we all doing that Albert.
I'm sorry.
I'm gonna put a drop of blackcurrant in this.
Can I visit Del with you this evening? Yeah.
It's worth the journey just to see his pyjamas.
He's never been ill before.
Well you know, he's been ill but he's never been in hospital.
He's terrified of 'em.
He got stabbed once outside a dance hall.
There was blood all over his shirt, a four-inch gash in his shoulder.
But he never went to hospital.
- He didn't have it treated? - No he did it himself.
TCP and a flannel.
- Did he know the person who did it? - Yeah.
And I bet he didn't report it to the police? No.
Well, he couldn't really.
He was engaged to her at the time.
I prayed last night, prayed Del wouldn't die.
Rodney, that's not going to happen.
Soon as I done it I thought, 'That's stupid, Del ain't gonna die He's not the type.
' So anyway, they took some more samples this afternoon.
Samples of me blood, sample of me samples of everything.
Now they want me to fast for 24 hours.
Well, why's that? Are they running more tests tomorrow? Yeah, I tell you what, I'll be 12 pound, three gallons lighter then when I come in, I know that.
What you doing? You're not supposed to be eating that.
I know, Rodney, but this fasting makes you hungry.
But it could affect the results of the tests.
Give over girl.
It's only a bacon sandwich and a bit of brown sauce.
Exactly.
I read it in one of the local papers somewhere, this is one of the few hospitals in the country that doesn't have a bacon sandwich detector! I don't believe you, Derek! When a doctor says you're supposed to fast for 24 hours then you should fast for 24 hours.
Well, what you bring this sandwich in for then? Because I didn't know you were supposed to be fasting.
And you're not supposed to be drinking that either.
That's got Bacardi in it.
Keep your noise down, will yer? Listen, with the sort of measures Mike gives, there's less spirits in that than there was at our seance.
Oh that reminds me.
Wasn't last night the pukka seance night? Did it go well? Not quite as well as we'd expected.
It was a total cock-up from where I was standing.
Come on, tell me.
Well, you now those posters you put up the pub windows with The Seance and the ghostly face? Well a lot of people got the wrong impression.
They thought The Seance was a group.
The place was packed with punk rockers.
There was Special Brew everywhere, people shouting 'Aceed', all that.
They were expecting to see an 'Iron Maiden'-type band.
Then Elsie Partridge walked out in her hat.
They weren't best pleased, Del.
Fortunately she remained in a trance throughout the riot.
She was still in it this morning when I went round to her flat.
It's amazing, innit? I only organised that seance out of the goodness of my heart.
to help people to get over their loss, and how do they thank me? - They chuck it in my face! - Still, you tried.
Visiting time's over.
Can't say I'm disappointed, I hate these places, death and sickness everywhere.
Yeah, they ain't all they're cracked up to be, Unc.
Take care.
Bye, sweetheart.
Thanks for coming.
Look after him now, will you? Yeah, I'll see he's alright.
I hope you feel better soon, Del.
There's nothing wrong with me.
I don't know what I'm doing in here.
- I'll see you tomorrow, mate.
- Hang around a minute, will you? I'll see you outside.
What's up? - I'm scared, Rodney! - Oh come on, Del.
You're in hospital.
That's why I'm scared! I mean, can you think of a better place to be? Yes, in a pub, down the market, anywhere but here.
I think I know what's wrong with me.
What? I think I got you know.
You mean? No.
What! Not Yes.
Don't be stupid.
What makes you think that? Because the doctors found out I was a bachelor and they started asking questions about my social activities.
Bloody 'ell.
It's alright.
I didn't tell 'em nothing.
I made out I was like an amateur monk.
But I've been lying here thinking about my past.
What's the point in depressing yourself? I've bin thinking back to some of the birds I've knocked about with.
Cor blimey, Rodney, some of 'em have bin round the track more times than a lurcher.
Del, you're just being irrational.
What about that unisex hairdresser's down the high street? Well, what about it? Well, I went in there last month for a trim, didn't I? And I thought I was going to get one of the dolly birds in the miniskirts.
But who did I get? They gave me some mush called Jason.
- So? - So, say he is a bandit.
I don't believe Del, you cannot go around making accusations against innocent people.
Anyway, you can't catch it off a comb.
No, but say he nicked the back of my neck with his razor or something.
So long as he doesn't kiss it better, you're laughing.
Then there's Uncle Albert - blimey, he's been round the world more times than Phileas Fogg.
There's no telling what he might have picked up.
And there's you and that computer.
My computer? Yes.
I was reading about all those computer viruses.
Calm down, right? Look, I understand your fears and concerns.
But you're just letting your imagination run away with you.
If you'd had 'that' or anything as serious as that, they would have known by now.
These doctors are experts you know.
I haven't thought of that.
It can't be that serious, can it? Well, of course not.
So you just remember that next time you're lying here at night, thinking of all them women and male hairdressers you've known They've got a spare bed downstairs if you're interested.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Del, hold on.
I'll get the nurse.
Nurse! Hold on, Del, don't you die.
Don't you bloody die.
I'm not gonna die, you plonker.
I just sat on me bacon sandwich.
- Aren't you eating that? - No, I'm not in the mood, sweetheart.
That's fresh fish.
I know it's fresh, it just winked at me.
I'll have to tell matron.
No it's alright.
It didn't really wink at me.
No, I mean if a patient doesn't eat his food I have to report it.
Oh go on, then, you go and grass me up.
I'm not frightened of the old cow.
Any news on my application for a bed bath? Sorry.
You've gotta make a decision, Mr Trotter.
We can either save you or the baby.
Robbie Meadows, you old git.
Please, Del, not in front of the staff.
Oh yeah, sorry.
Dr Meadows, you old git.
What brings you here? I've got good news and bad news, Del.
The good news is they've put me in charge of your case.
- What's the bad news? - I specialise in amputation.
Oh that's a good 'un.
Here, d'you still get down the One-Eleven Club? No, not any more, Del.
I've packed gambling in, it's a mug's game.
- D'you still go down there? - Oh yeah.
Anyway, how come you're in charge? It was an accident, really.
I just happened to be talking to some colleagues when the name Derek Trotter cropped up.
So I asked if I could read your GP's report and have a look at your tests.
I was amazed.
I found myself reading about this non-smoking, teetotal, celibate vegetarian health freak.
I thought, 'Can this be the same Derek Trotter that I know and begrudgingly admire? That uptight, wheeling-dealing, pina colada lout? The Castella king, the curry connoisseur? The same an who has lived his life on nervous tension, fried bread and doubtful women? And was it? Yes, it was.
Why did you lie to your GP, Del? - 'Cos she's a doctor.
- I don't understand.
Well, you never tell doctors the truth, otherwise they put you in hospital.
But you've been put in hospital.
No, but I didn't mean that to happen, did I? I thught she'd just give me a bottle of jollop.
Del, if you'd told the truth in the first place, my colleagues could have diagnosed your problem in a quarter of the time.
As it was, they thought they were dealing with the perfect man - but all the time it was you! It confused them.
It threw 'em onto the wrong tracks.
Well, I told her I did have a cigar at Christmas time.
What about the other 10,000 throughout the rest of the year? Oh that reminds me, we found your cigar-holder in the body-scanner.
Oh cheers.
Must have fallen out of me robe.
We know what's wrong with you, Del.
Let's hear the worst.
I can take it, I'm not frightened.
Don't pull any punches.
I want it straight from the shoulder.
Yeah, I think it's best in the long run.
Well, basically, Derek, there's nothing wrong with you.
Oh, oh thank God! Thank God.
Thank Allah, thank Buddha.
Thank you, thank you, God.
Relieved, eh? Well, you know.
So what about all these pains? You have an irritable bowel.
I'm not surprised with you lot pulling me about.
No, no.
That's what your condition is called.
You have irritable bowel syndrome.
It's nothing serious.
I'll put you on a course of drugs.
Your condition has been caused by your lifestyle.
The late nights, the booze, the nicotine, the fried fast foods.
Do you ever think about all the saturated fat floating around your arteries? I try not to.
It puts me off me grub.
One of the major contributory factors of this syndrome is stress.
A lot of yuppies suffer from it.
Del, I took the liberty of phoning the director of housing about your rent arrears.
How'd you find out? I phoned your flat.
I'm sorry, mate, I had to find out what the hell was going on.
I spoke to your uncle.
The council have agreed to give you some breathing space, a bit of time to get yourself together.
Cheers, Robbie.
You've been given a warning, Del.
Nature's way of telling you to eat muesli for breakfast.
Cut right down on the drink and cigars.
Eat wholesome, real food and above all else learn to relax.
Doctor's orders.
Right, will do.
Pop this into the pharmacy on your way home.
You mean I can go? Yes, and don't come back.
I want you convalescing for the next three weeks.
I don't want you working or getting excited.
Sit in a chair, eat boring foods and live a boring life.
Well, that'll be easy.
I'll sit in my flat and talk to my Uncle Albert.
See you around, Del.
Thaks very much Robbie.
I knew there was nothing wrong with me.
Silly old sod.
- Here you are, Del, breakfast.
- Oh good.
What is it? It's muesli.
Blimey! It looks like something that's bin swept out of a pigeon loft.
You can at least try it.
It tastes like it's been swept out of a pigeon loft.
I can't eat this for the rest of my life.
I'd rather croak it than eat this rubbish.
Well, don't get excited, you'll bring your pains back on.
All the quack said was you've got to get a sensible diet, and muesli's just part of it.
Alright, alright, Unc, alright.
I'll do you a cup of tea, son.
How many cigars did that doctor say that I can have a day? - She said three.
- How many have I had? Four.
- Alright? - Yeah, triffic, Rodders.
Oh what's up with you now? There's nothing the matter with me.
All that happened was I picked up some sort of syndrome, and you two are treating me like an invalid.
We are not treating you like an invalid, we are trying to do our best by you.
- Yes, I'm sorry, Rodders.
- That's alright.
Albert I've got the Complan.
- So you feeling relaxed? - Yes.
I'm relaxed ll over, thank you.
Good, 'cos I have got some really great news.
- What is it? - I'm getting married!