Parenthood s06e05 Episode Script

I got in a little motorcycle What happened? Spill.
You're not riding the motorcycle.
Crosby! Surgery went well.
But you have to try to get better.
'Cause a lot of people are counting on you.
I'm pregnant.
You've barely had time to be in love.
You have no idea how hard something like this is to do by yourself.
I really like you.
I think I like him.
Joel, um I'm seeing someone.
Uh This is Dylan.
She's our newest student.
This is Max.
What's up? Yo, Asperger's.
What do you do when you like a girl? Okay.
Hey, bud.
What you doing? Studying.
The trash? That's ridiculous.
Why would I study the trash? I'm studying Dylan.
You're studying Dylan.
Yes.
Through the trash? This picture of a horse tells me that Dylan likes pictures and also that she likes horses.
Dad said that the foundation of any romantic relationship is based on common interests.
Dad said that.
Yes.
Which means that in this case I should probably either choose drawing or horses.
Okay, honey.
I know And considering I hate drawing, I should probably choose horses.
I know that you like her and I know that you think she's cool with this whole like, anti-authority thing, but are you sure that this is the right girl for you? I have to go to class now.
But we can continue this conversation later, Mrs.
Braverman.
Okay.
Ah, jeez.
God.
What? Mr.
Backseat Driver.
Uh, yeah.
Well, I mean, please.
You don't see me hanging on here for dear life? I mean, you know why? 'Cause I'm What? worried about getting rear-ended.
You can get a ticket for going too slow, you know.
It's called impeding traffic.
I don't see why I can't drive anyway.
Because two weeks ago you had your breastbone sawed open.
The doctor was very clear.
I know what the doctor said.
I was there.
All right? Can we go a little faster? Why don't you step on it a little bit? Just give yourself a ride, see what happens.
Thank you guys so much.
See you tomorrow.
Oh! Oh! Oh, no.
I'm okay.
I am so sorry.
Yeah.
Here, do you want Is this Would these help or hurt? Yeah, please.
That, that should work, um Oh, you're It's I'm so sorry.
No, it's, it's okay.
It's, uh It's actually kind of impressive how soaked I am versus how unscathed you are.
Yeah That's kind of a talent of mine.
It's a good one to have.
I'm so sorry, your Your shirt's ruined for work.
I Oh, no, no.
I've got plenty of shirts.
I work at a A tech start-up.
We have, like, two offices, you know.
There's like, one with, uh, about a million blow up toys in them.
And another one with a bunch of T-shirts with our name on them.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
Anyway, no, I should, uh, I should probably get your number.
Uh, what? Oh, God.
No, I'm not It's not a A date thing.
Oh.
That's That would be pretty forward.
Okay.
It's just so my lawyer knows how to track you down in case I decide to press charges.
Oh, I see.
Okay.
Um Yeah.
This is serious stuff.
I've been meaning to try this place.
I've been waiting.
Oh! The coq au vin is supposed to be unbelievable.
It is unbelievable.
Good.
And you know what? Maybe we can get the The firm to pick it up, you know, since technically we do work together.
Yes, we do work together.
We should look at the wine list before we decide that.
Can you Come here.
Turn around.
What? This way.
Quick.
Turn around.
Please.
Go this way.
This way.
Turn, turn.
What are we doing? Go back.
Go back there.
Jules, what are we doing? We're hiding.
From a mom.
Oh.
From Sycamore Charter.
Because She just does not need any more grist for the rumor mills.
It's It's Hey, Jules.
What? What are we doing? I mean, I think we're a little too old to be hiding behind ficus plants, aren't we? I'm so sorry.
It's okay.
How about we go somewhere else? You wanna go somewhere else? Yeah, I'd like to go somewhere else.
Let's go somewhere else.
Come on.
What the hell is this? Hon Honey! Jasmine! Yes, my love? Who What Who did this? I did.
You did this? Yeah.
It's for your own good.
Oh, I think I know what's good for me.
Really? And what's good for me is to be able to ride my motorcycle whenever I choose to.
I'm a grown man.
I think I can make that decision.
Baby, you're not acting like yourself right now.
Okay, well, I definitely feel like myself.
Myself wants to take a ride on the motorcycle.
Very consistent with who I am.
Okay.
Well, until you slow down and tell me what's going on with you, you're not riding the motorcycle.
Great.
I'll tell you right now.
Nothing going on with me.
Other than wanting to take a ride on a motorcycle that I own.
Well, I'm sorry.
You can't do that right now.
Give me one good reason why I can't ride my motorcycle.
I'll give you two.
Jabbar and Aida.
Oh, you're gonna pull the kid card.
Just did.
Think you're gonna be able to go to sleep tonight on that? Love you! This is Let's go! Yay! What if I just told you that you can't dance anymore? You could get hurt dancing.
That's not the same, Crosby.
Look, let's just talk about it later.
All right.
Ugh! What are you grilling up, a tire? No, man.
I got my Adam Braverman flame-broiled burgers happening.
Come on! How did Sarah get out of this thing? Get out of it? What are you talking about? She's not here? She's at a photo shoot in Santa Cruz with Hank.
Hmm.
Why are you in such a sour mood? My wife unilaterally took away my motorcycle privileges, put an actual lock around it.
Like she works for the city of Berkeley or something.
You got two kids.
Dad, when's lunch going to be ready? Five minutes.
Why can't we just go to Burger and Pie? Burger and Pie? It's faster and it tastes better.
You don't want Burger and Pie.
I got my proprietary spice blend in these burgers.
Grandpa and Grandma's here.
Hey.
No, they're not.
These are frozen burgers that you took out of a bag and then rubbed salt and pepper and Worcestershire on them.
That's it.
Hey, sweetheart.
No, Max.
And you said you used a secret sauce, but it was just Worcestershire.
Zeek.
You're looking good.
Oh, thanks, honey.
Thanks for coming.
Yeah, it's really good to be here.
How you feeling? You're walking better.
Am I? Yeah! I feel pretty good.
You got a spring in your step.
I'm gonna get you a cold one.
Thanks.
You're not burning those, are you? Look, Dad, I'm searing them.
Okay? Okay, Max, easy.
- I got it, I got it.
Let go.
- How are you? I'm good.
I like a girl.
Really? Yeah.
You do like a girl? Yeah.
Oh, that's wonderful! So, I mean, what base are you on with her? - We haven't really done the baseball.
- What does that mean? It's a great question.
She doesn't like sports.
I don't understand.
Right, what.
No, no.
What I meant was, have you held her hand? Uh.
Maybe kissed her? Or something like No, Dad says I should start with common interests and work from there.
Yeah.
That's terrible advice.
I don't know.
That's a one-way street.
In my experience, uh, the Braverman libido, the virility, the The sexual attraction, it's a very hard thing to contain.
Uh, it's just gonna pop out of there.
Just get that libido and virility out, whip it around? What are my libido and virility, and how do I pop them out? Okay.
You've got four bases, right? Home, first, second, third.
Okay.
First base, kissy-kissy.
Maybe hold hands.
Second base, touchy-touchy.
Maybe arm around the shoulder.
Third base, feely-feely.
A little more kissy-kissy down south.
Maybe a kiss on the cheek.
And then home is Just watching TV together here comes little Max in a baby carriage.
On the sofa.
Right? You can do that on a sofa, yeah.
Just stick with the common interests for now.
Hello there.
Hi.
You could've sent a runner.
I could've sent a runner, but then I wouldn't have been able to get a chance to kiss you.
I will kill you.
No, you will not.
Yes, I will kill you if you do that.
No, you won't kill me.
I mean, that's a little much.
No.
I will kill you.
Turn around so I can sign this.
Surface.
Okay.
Hey, honey? What? You guys have got to stop encouraging him.
Please.
Is this about the Dylan thing? Mmm-hmm.
Honey, my dad is just excited that his grandson could have a crush on a girl.
And, honestly, so am I.
I understand that, but you should've seen what he was doing at school.
He was following her around with a notebook, taking notes, jotting things down, looking in the trash.
Wait a minute.
This isn't healthy.
I did not encourage our son to stalk this girl.
That's how he took it.
And I'm asking you to help me with this.
Honey, she's not gonna like him back.
How do you know? I know.
I know these things.
Just help me temper his enthusiasm.
That's all I'm asking.
Okay.
Please.
I will.
I will talk to him tomorrow.
Okay.
Hey, Kristina.
Come here.
What? Come here.
Huh? Julia brought this guy to the barbeque.
Who? This guy Chris that she used to date.
What are they doing? This is serious.
Signing some documents or something.
Okay.
We're good? Thank you very much for bringing this.
You're very welcome.
I'll see you tonight.
Sure.
One kiss, that's my fee.
Not happening.
Hey, what are you doing to my sister? What's going on? That's why.
Couple of lawyers Thank you.
on my front lawn.
This can't be good.
Yep.
Just kidding around, Julia.
Relax.
Okay.
You remember me? I do.
Chris.
Chris, right? Yeah, yeah.
Good to see you.
Nice you could put in a good word for our sister at the firm.
That's nice.
So you guys are working together now.
And he needs to get back to said firm, because these are Isn't this the guy you were dating right before Joel? time-sensitive documents here.
Documents.
What do you got, signatures or something? Exactly.
I'll tell you what.
I'm making burgers, come on in and have a burger, okay? We can handle this electronically, all right? We have the technology.
Very true.
He's No, he's We have the technology to deal with this, Julia.
I know.
Adam.
Adam! You're having a burger! As I understand! Guys Coffee shop guy texted.
Oh, my God.
What did he say? He said, "I'm willing to forgo legal action "for yesterday's mishap if you let me take you out for a drink.
" This is good news! I still got it.
This is so exciting! Okay, well, first things first.
You have to parlay the whole drinking thing into like coffee or tea or something daytime.
How do I do that naturally? Maybe a daytime activity.
I know, because of the whole, like, situation.
Yeah.
He doesn't know you're pregnant? Uh, no, it didn't exactly come up the first time I met him.
You don't really lead in with that.
Isn't that something that you tell people that you're gonna date? No.
I'm not like, gonna have a serious relationship with him.
I just wanna have some fun.
She's not under lock and key, she's pregnant.
Yeah.
She's not contagious.
Yeah.
It's good, it's normal.
But, guys, can you help me please? What do I say back? Yeah.
Okay, um Something legal.
Um, my lawyer is willing to settle if we do coffee or tea instead.
Mmm.
"Settling.
" Good.
You like that? Yeah, hang on.
Hey.
Hey.
Finish your burger? Oh, it was delicious.
Good.
Yeah.
I'm out of here.
Okay, good.
I'm gonna go.
I'm sorry.
No, I get it.
I get it.
I just didn't want it to become any more awkward by refusing your brother's burger.
Who are you? Hi.
Syd.
Um There are nicer ways to introduce yourself.
That's okay.
Hey.
I'm Chris.
I work with your mom.
Who are you? I'm Sydney.
Oh, hi, Sydney.
It's a pleasure.
Oh, you got your mom's smile.
Julia? Yes.
Basketball game.
We need some players.
Okay.
All right.
I'm gonna go.
I'll see ya later.
Is that the guy? That's the guy, that's Chris.
No, we gotta go.
You're playing ball.
Come on.
Oh, no, guys.
You don't want me.
You don't want me playing ball.
Hey.
I'll tell you what, you can be team captain.
Bring the ball.
Let's go.
Uh We're gonna go play basketball.
I'm gonna make this fast.
Real quick.
Brings it up There! Get ready to block! Take it out.
Go, go, go, go, go! Why the long face? This is my castrated face.
My, uh, my wife put my motorcycle in jail.
It's It's locked up.
Oh, man.
Yeah.
Well, I can see that bet and raise you, because I got No wheels at all, two or four.
Plus I got your mom as a chauffeur.
Oof.
Oof.
Then she's gonna take me to physical therapy on Monday.
So, I mean, uh, it's gonna take about a week.
Hmm.
Monday? Yeah.
I'll drive you.
Yeah, yeah, let me drive you.
Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We'll make a day of it.
So we'll get the women out of the picture.
We'll go together.
It'll be great.
I'm looking forward to this.
Okay.
Okay.
I'm gonna go lay her down.
Okay.
Nap time? Oh! You gotta take it out! Whoa-ho-ho! - All right, be ready, Syd.
- Get it, Syd! Oh! Yeah! This is on Braddage, right? Oh, there you go.
Now this is a little more like it.
Yeah.
These miniature vans have full size power nowadays.
Really? In fact, I'm gonna up the experience.
Ah! Yeah! A little wind in the hair, huh? He's arriving in style.
There you go! There you go! Get these buffoons out of the way.
I think we're up here on the right-hand side.
This is us? Right here? Oh.
I got it.
I'm on it, I'm on it.
Hold it, hold it.
I'm coming in hot! Coming in hot! Okay.
Yeah.
Oh, man.
Oh, yeah! Yeah! Okay, we're early.
Yeah? I'll go park, I'll come in with ya.
We're early? Yeah.
I had my eyes closed.
Yeah? I feel like I've gone through time.
You're a day early.
Oh.
Man.
Um, I'll hang in the waiting room with you.
If that's No, no, no.
Come on.
That's silly.
It's your day of freedom, son.
You go and have some fun, you know what I'm saying? You don't wanna spend Well a lot of time in a stupid waiting room.
This is my day to hang out with you, though.
I don't think so.
You sure? Yeah, I'm sure.
Okay.
I did see a vintage guitar shop around the corner, so Okay.
All right.
I'll be able to waste an hour or two there.
Yeah.
You just have a good time and if I'm not out in an hour, you come in and get me.
Okay.
That's good.
Okay.
Hey, Max.
Hey, bud.
We just wanted to have a quick conversation with you about this girl that you like.
Dylan.
Yes, Dylan.
Yeah, Dylan.
We just wanted to talk to you about how these relationships between young boys and girls work.
Mmm-hmm.
I know how they work.
Oh, well.
Okay.
You know how they work.
That's probably true, but here's the thing.
Your dad and I have been in a relationship for so long that we are practically experts at it, and we learned a lot along the way.
Mmm-hmm.
So we wanted to share our knowledge with you In order to become an expert in something, you have to not just have done it for a long time, but have an advanced degree as well.
Well, they don't hand out advanced degrees in relationships, Max, - but if they did - They should.
I can guarantee your mother and I would have one.
We'd have it for sure.
What's your wisdom? Okay.
Where do you wanna start? Great.
Um, well, what we've learned along the way is that sometimes in relationships, people can like each other at different levels.
Right? Right.
So So, for example, on a scale of one to five, five being the highest, you might like somebody at a five, and they might like you back only at a two.
Right.
And that's okay, they just wanna be your friend.
- That's a very normal thing.
- That's what happens.
What are your numbers? For each other? Well, we're both at a five.
Right? Yeah.
And that is usually how romantic relationships work.
People like each other the same amount.
Robust five.
Mmm-hmm.
It has a balance.
Yeah.
It doesn't always start out that way, though.
I mean, things can change.
Your mother, when we first met, thought that I was a two And now I'm a five.
What? Well, yeah.
So the numbers can change.
It's true.
Mmm-mmm.
Yeah.
What? Okay.
So the scale of affection is fluid? Yeah, it is fluid.
It gets a little sticky, but it's fluid.
It's sticky fluid.
It fluctuates.
Really? Even within So, it's fluid enough for the numbers to change.
Yes.
Actually, you know what? You're right, buddy.
It's the truth.
It is the truth.
For example, your dad's number is undergoing a change as we speak.
Right? All right, so, Mom, you're agreeing now that numbers can change.
Yeah.
Mmm-hmm.
So what am I at right now? A 4.
95? Mmm, a 3.
5.
But I'll get that back up to a five.
So you're still friends? Yes.
We'll always be friends.
Good friends.
Huh.
So, what are we doing here? Uh, it's one of my favorite spots.
Okay.
I can't help but point out there's a vital piece of this puzzle missing.
You noticed that? Yeah? Yeah.
Well, yeah, I know.
I don't have a dog.
Yes.
A little weird.
Uh, but I grew up with a brown Lab and a border collie, and I just miss having them around, so But I live in a tiny apartment now, and I decided that I would crowd source my needs.
Wow.
And so the owners don't care that you're like, being pervy and playing with their dogs? I'm not pervy.
No, they don't even notice.
Half the time they're on their cell phones, so Huh.
Wow.
So what do you want? We got a, uh, Pomeranian.
Yeah.
No problem.
We got a yellow Lab.
Oh.
We got those in spades.
We got a golden retriever.
Hmm Whatever you want.
What about this little munch? Ah! Good eye.
You're cute, but You have my heart.
Hey, you! You have my heart, busty.
Hey, little munchkin.
Did you get left alone? Hello! Are you sweet too? Oh, you're a lover.
Hi, bubba.
Oh, yeah.
Mmm What if there was like, an app for this? Uh, yeah.
What if you could just like, rent dog time? That's That'd be cool, right? No, that's a great idea.
I can do all the, uh, back-end programming and you run the company.
All right.
Split the profits down the middle.
Well, 70-30.
It was my idea.
Yeah, uh, granted.
Yeah, deal? Yeah.
We got him.
Sucker.
Shake on it? You wanna shake on it? No? Mmm.
Who's a good girl? So, uh, Dad? Yeah, buddy.
I was thinking that this year I might wanna play basketball.
Um, okay.
We can discuss it with your mom.
Isn't that gonna conflict with baseball, though? No, no, I know.
It's just that basketball has like, a lot more action.
And, uh, Chris says I'm a natural.
Chris? Oh, yeah.
That's Mom's friend.
He's so cool, Dad.
He let me sit on his shoulders so I could make a basket.
Well, that's because you're too short otherwise.
He also says I have really good height and coordination.
You do.
And that it's gonna take over baseball as our new national sport.
He what? He said what? It's gonna take over as our new national sport.
Okay, well let me tell you something.
Basketball may be a bigger money-making operation, but it will never replace the subtle beauty that is baseball.
Okay? Ever.
Your mother's friend clearly doesn't know what he's talking about.
That's insane.
I don't know, Dad.
Chris is a lawyer, and he works with Mom, so he's probably pretty smart.
And he's really good at basketball.
Well, basketball also leads to ankle injuries and finger sprains, and with the exception of your mother, most lawyers have questionable morals.
Okay? Can we just eat our pizza here? Let's just enjoy our pizza.
Oh.
Hey, Asperger's.
Hi, Dylan.
We need to have a talk.
Okay.
About what? About the number at which you like me.
I'm I'm not following.
You're gonna need to back up, a lot.
Understood.
It has come to my attention that there is a basic scale of affection on which all human relationships operate.
And when a boy and a girl fraternize, it's important to understand where on that scale their feelings for each other lie.
Somehow I missed this part of the talk, but I can dig.
What are my options? The scale is from one to five, with five being the peak of affection and one being firmly in the friend zone.
In our case, I like you at a five.
Now, I need to know the best quantitative representation of your feelings for me.
Um, how about a two? I can work with a two.
You can? Yes.
Two is approximately my mother's number for my father when they met, though that changed over time.
I see.
Yes.
In any case, the scale is fluid.
And I imagine I have a decade, maybe more, to change your mind.
I have to go to class now.
I will talk to you later, Dylan.
Hey, Asperger's.
Maybe a two and a half.
Hi, there.
Hey.
Excuse me.
Hey, can I help you? Hey, I'm here to pick up my father.
He's a real tall ornery guy.
Zeek Braverman? Of course.
Uh, he's actually just wrapping up with one of our therapists.
Oh, okay.
Great.
You can go back there if you want.
Right here? Oh.
Yeah.
Just through this door on the right.
Okay.
Thank you.
Think you can handle a little more elevation? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Bring it on.
Here we go.
Okay.
You okay? Yeah, I'm fine.
I pushed you just a bit too much.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You want some water? No, thanks.
Everything okay? Yeah.
Great facility.
It's, uh Really good.
Hey, brothero! Hey.
How's it going? Good, what's up? Just, uh, came to hang out.
Really? Oh, look at this.
Wow.
Your new room.
Yeah, thank you.
This trippy art, your tastes are changing.
What's actually going on? You know me so well.
Well, it's hard for me to admit this, but you were right about the Griffin situation.
What happened? We just like, went on our first date.
And it was so fun.
And now I like him.
Yeah, like you wanna see him again? Yeah, like I wanna I wanna keep hanging out, and I just I don't know what to do.
You gotta just tell him.
Right.
Yeah, I know, like, eventually but I mean It just seems silly to like, cut something off at the pass.
Just, you know Without even knowing what it is first You don't really know if you're cutting it off.
And the thing is, if it keeps going on and then you tell him, it's gonna seem like you were lying the whole time.
Yeah.
And you have no idea how he's gonna react to it.
He could be totally fine with it.
And you guys could keep seeing each other and see if it's like, you know, gonna actually go somewhere.
Yeah.
But if you actually like him, then he should know.
Yeah, you're right.
Hey! Hey! How'd it go? Oh, it was a piece of cake.
Yeah? Good.
How long you been here? Two seconds, I just walked in.
Perfect timing.
You gotta pay or Nope, it's all taken care of.
I'm all taken care of.
Thank you, Sheryl.
Okay.
Mmm-hmm.
See you next week.
Do you wanna go grab a drink or something? Well, Cros, I'm off the sauce, you know? I'm kind of on the sauce, so maybe I could drink for both of us.
You wanna watch me have a couple of cocktails? Yeah, okay.
That could be fun, I think.
Yeah? Yeah.
A little midday party? Yeah? Joel's here to see you.
Joel Graham? Yeah.
Your Yeah.
Uh.
Okay, good, send him in.
You can see her.
What are you doing here? Great question.
Um Why don't you guess? You should Close the door, please.
What are you doing? You're back with your, uh, college sweetheart.
I am seeing Chris.
Mmm-hmm.
Yes.
That is the person who I've been seeing.
And I have a right to not feel bad about that.
You have every right.
What you do not have a right to do is to go around introducing our kids to whoever it is you feel like sleeping with that week.
Joel, you are upset.
And I understand that, recognize it.
This was an accident.
It was an accident? It was an accident.
You You just accidentally invited him over to your brother's house and he was accidentally playing ball with our kids.
Chris came over for a work thing.
Adam wouldn't let him leave.
A work thing at It was an accident.
And I had always intended to talk to you about this beforehand.
So you were planning to talk to me? Yes.
Great.
If something like this was gonna happen, I was gonna talk to you.
What do you mean, if something like this With the kids.
So So you're saying this guy's gonna be in our kids' lives.
No.
That's what I don't know.
Because that's not a small thing.
No, it's not a small thing.
But I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't have to know.
I'm just sorry that it went down this way.
Come in.
Your 2:30 just arrived.
Great.
We're just wrapping up.
Mmm-hmm.
Oh.
Oh, that's nice.
Hey, do you remember when you took Adam and I camping in Yosemite? And we were obsessed about getting attacked by a bear? You remember that? Yeah.
And we were talking about how to defend ourselves against a predator like that.
He was gonna use karate, I was gonna use a club and finally you go, "Would you guys stop obsessing about this bear?" Right.
"There are no bears here.
" And then on cue the biggest bear in Yosemite comes charging out of the woods.
You remember that? No, no, no.
I mean, it only seemed that big 'cause you were about two feet tall.
That's That thing was humongous.
Adam froze stiff.
I dropped to the ground, because I thought you were supposed to pretend you're dead.
And then you, immediately, two steps forward, hands over head.
"Get out of here, bear! Scram!" Yep.
"Beat it!" Well, I And that bear took off like a cat.
Yeah, that's what you do with a black bear.
Oh, sure, that's what a man does.
You don't do that with a grizzly.
No? Okay.
What happens if you do that with a grizzly? You run! At you.
As fast as you can.
Oh, here we go.
Jasmine's gonna ask me if I wore my seatbelt.
It's not even her.
Hello? Hey, Mom.
Yeah, of course I'm with him.
Ah.
Here, let me talk to her.
She said you don't ever answer your phone.
Yeah.
You wanna talk? Yeah.
He's ready for you.
Hello.
Zeek! I was so worried about you.
You were supposed to be home an hour ago.
Uh, well, yeah, I mean, Camille.
Everything's fine.
Nothing happened.
I'm just sitting here talking to Crosby.
Yeah, except that you have four pills that you're supposed to take that you don't have with you.
Are you in a bar? Yeah, I'm in a bar.
Uh, but, uh, I'm not drinking.
So you don't need to worry.
And, by the way, uh, Camille, I'm not your patient.
Yeah, well someone has to look after you, because you obviously can't look after yourself.
Look, I'm sitting here having a good time with my son, and when we're done, I'll be home.
But not before that.
Is that all right? Of course.
It's only your health.
That's all.
Good, all right.
See ya.
Whew.
You'll learn how to do that.
You just toed the line.
That is how you I gotta take notes.
Hey, you want another one? Oh, I certainly do.
Shall we get another round? Yeah.
Can we get a soda, hold the whiskey and a whiskey, hold the soda? Say, "Otis, sit.
" Sit, Otis.
Sit, Otis.
Sit! Sit, Otis.
Sit.
Oh, we'll get there.
Sit, Otis.
Sit, Otis.
Sit.
Hey, Max.
Sit, Otis.
How was school, bud? Go get your ball for Mommy.
Dylan currently likes me at a two and a half.
Though you both claim to be experts on the subject, I'm not sure that your advice is enough to bring that up to a five.
So I've consulted outside sources.
What do you have here? Double Your Dating.
Oh, boy.
What Every Man Should Know About How to be Successful with Women by James Turner.
How To Get Any Woman Into Bed With You by Mystery with Chris Odom.
Okay.
And The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists by Jeff Lee, who is the bestselling author of If the Boat's A-Rockin', Don't Come A-Knockin'.
Max.
These Wait a minute.
These are not really books about dating.
They're pickup books.
Of course.
Written by con artists.
This one has "dating" in the title.
I know it does, but let me just talk to you about it, okay? - You don't need to read these books.
- Honey These are books by experts in the subject that I'm interested in.
How many books have you written on the subject of dating? None, but I can talk.
None, exactly.
I'm gonna read these in my room until dinner.
All right.
That's good.
Hey, this is not my fault.
That is good.
It is your fault.
I didn't encourage him to go get those books.
You are encouraging him, honey.
No, I'm not.
You're undermining our whole plan.
How? No, I'm not.
Yes, you are.
By saying "I was once a two!" I was trying to be encouraging.
That was a bit, a story about us.
I was flirting with you.
You said I was a two.
I know.
That was different.
I was trying to get him to understand the game.
I get that, okay? But this girl is not gonna like him that way.
Why not? Plain and simple.
Why? Why not? I Because.
Because why? Adam, really? What, because Max is different? Because he's difficult? I know he is, but so are all the other kids at Chambers Academy.
They're all They're a potpourri of freaks, like Dylan said.
Right? So why not Max? I need to believe this is possible.
Okay.
Okay.
But those books are not He cannot read those books.
They're gone right now.
Okay.
Okay? I'll take them away right now.
Promise? I promise you.
All right.
Okay? I love you.
Come here.
I love you too.
All right.
This guy All right, this way.
Down at the end of the hall.
So, you live here? Yeah, I live here.
Why? Uh, no.
Just, uh, is it less scary during the day? Or No, it's pretty much exactly the same.
What, you don't think it has a sort of rustic charm? Uh, it's got It's got something.
God, you know, you're such a preppy like, tech guy.
I am not.
You totally are.
Well, maybe a little bit.
I got my sweater on.
Yeah.
I What? I, um, I just have a question.
Shoot.
What do you got? How do you feel about, uh, going out with somebody that has some baggage? I think that most smart, uh, complicated, gorgeous people have it.
And I I think that's what makes them interesting.
Um Is this about you not drinking at dinner? I have a lot of friends who've been through AA.
No.
I I'm totally not prejudiced.
No, no.
I think it's like It's High blood pressure or I wish it was that.
You know? It's I'm I'm pregnant.
With a baby? That's That's The kind of pregnant I am, yes.
Uh, wow.
You don't look it.
Oh.
Congratulations.
I'm sorry.
Yeah.
Thank you, thank you.
But, you know, I'm not I'm not seeing anybody.
I'm I'm totally single.
The father is not in the picture, so Yeah, I'm just gonna do it alone.
I I respect that.
That's Thanks, yeah But So, I mean, do you still wanna come in and we can hang We can hang out.
Uh, you know, I Yeah, crap, I do, um I got a A busy day at work tomorrow.
Mmm-hmm.
I totally forgot.
It's, uh We're beta launching our new app.
Okay.
It's just It's gonna be crazy.
I should probably get some sleep.
Yeah.
Uh I'll call you, okay? Yeah, okay.
All right.
Uh, good night.
Bye.
It's just been one crappy thing after another.
You know, these artists, they're not artists, they're babies.
They're All of them are self-destructive babies with zero conscience.
They just They can't wait to stab you in the back.
Oliver Rome, he's gone.
We have no money now coming into the Luncheonette! So, you know, Adam and I are scrambling, and then when I get home, Jasmine is like, "Where've you been? How long have "You're gonna be out next time.
" You know, "What "Are you riding a motorcycle?" And it just doesn't end.
And then Jabbar is He's so sweet, I love him so much, but you know Every time I walk in the door, it's We gotta go to the trampoline thing, we gotta go to see a movie, we gotta go play catch.
I can barely play with him, you know, 'cause I fractured these two ribs and Speaking of which, you know, I I go to the doctor and the guy says, "You know, it's gonna take a while at your age to heal.
" And I was like, "At my age?" Whoa.
Hold it, hold it.
How'd you fracture your ribs? I got in a, uh, a small motorcycle thing.
You know like, just a It's not a big deal.
Don't You don't look at me like that.
Don't be on her side, 'cause That's all I got left, is that motorcycle.
No, I know what it's like to You got a house full of kids, you got no money coming in.
And you feel like, uh, you're in the middle of things and you're being pushed and pulled in different directions.
Exactly.
Well You gotta You gotta try to enjoy it, son.
You know? Have a little fun.
And scare the bear.
It just goes by fast.
Knock, knock! Hi! Hey! Treat delivery! Ha, ha! Okay.
Let's see what cool bad boy stuff we got in here.
Thank you.
Vodka.
Huh? Uh-huh.
It's the nice stuff.
Won't give you a headache.
Enjoy that.
What else? Oh, look.
Skull bong.
I'm ready to let go.
Why are you giving me the skull bong? You've been eyeing it forever and now it's yours.
Congratulations.
Okay, thank you.
Let's see, what else do we have here? Oh, what skull bong would be complete without a little medical grade, sweet, sweet green.
Wow.
Thank you.
This is Enjoy.
Have some good ideas on that.
Is this You can't have it 'cause of pregnancy? Oh, look! Condoms! Because nobody's ever gonna wanna touch me again.
Amber.
Here you go.
All for you! I don't want your condoms.
Well, I can't have it.
I can't have any of it.
Can't have anything.
Can't even have a successful relationship now.
Did you talk to him? I told him about it, and I think you can imagine how it went.
Yeah.
He was just like, "Okay, yeah.
I'll call ya.
" It was like, too classic.
Yeah.
I'm sorry, Amber.
You know, Amber, it's just a hard thing.
You know? It's gonna be hard for a minute.
Yeah, I know.
It doesn't really have anything to do with you, it's just like It's just a bummer, you know? Like Yeah.
I knew that, like, everything was gonna be different, you know, obviously.
And I I didn't know I'd derailed.
I mean, my life is like completely over as I know it.
Okay.
Your life is not over.
Seriously.
You're giving me all your stuff that you can have back in a few months.
You know? It's not over.
You know? Right now is a weird time.
You kinda did it out of order.
But that does not mean that your life's over, or that you're not gonna meet anybody or never have a boyfriend again.
Seriously.
Oh, the minivan.
Yep, watch your head.
Yeah.
Watch your head.
Where's the babies? Ow! At home with my mother.
Okay.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Careful.
Don't do that.
You know what, Crosby.
I don't wanna hear it Don't leave them with your mom.
Uh, Jasmine, gee, thank you for doing this.
No problem.
Camille doesn't drive well at night and It's fine.
And, uh, he was in quite a state, so Yeah.
I am fine, thank you.
You're drunk.
Well, it was just gonna be me and Cros, you know, having a good talk, and Things got out of hand, so Hmm.
I'm, uh I'm sorry.
I apologize.
Look, it's not your fault.
It's not.
I'm worried about him.
Yeah.
Me too.
All right, that's a great start.
We got art, and we've got animals.
Those are two great topics to start a conversation with, so You're good.
I still don't understand how she could like horses more than lizards.
How come? Horses are inferior.
Okay.
Good point.
But, Max, women are mysterious creatures.
They're not always gonna like exactly what you like.
The books say that I should highlight my best qualities.
I think that's good advice.
What do you think they are? I don't know.
No? What do you think, Mom? Hey.
Hi, um What do I think? Gosh, that's tough because there's so many.
Yeah.
There's so many.
How to list them all.
You're smart.
Very smart.
One of the smartest people I know.
Mmm-hmm.
Brilliant actually.
Great photographer.
Mmm-hmm.
A wonderful photographer.
You have a great eye.
You're quick-witted.
Mmm-hmm.
That's for sure.
Um, you are funny.
Great lover of animals.
Mmm-hmm.
You're, um, honest.
You're very, very honest.
You are brave.
You have a huge heart.
Hey.
Hi.
You look fantastic.
Thank you.
So, uh, I hope you're ready for some absolutely amazing French cuisine, because I found the perfect place to take you.
Oh? Where? You grocery shopped? There's two more just like it.
Mmm-hmm.
Does this mean you're cooking? I'm cooking.
You don't cook.
I don't grocery shop either.
Okay.
Look, I'm sorry if I've been putting pressure on you to define things.
I am really sorry that I crashed your barbeque.
I'm really sorry about that.
I, uh I like this.
I like this, and I just wanna keep going at whatever speed you're comfortable with.
I can't believe you're cooking.
No one is more surprised than I am.
I may have oversold the cuisine just a touch.
Mmm-hmm.
Yeah.
But I can promise you there's not gonna be any gossipy moms in my kitchen.
You know what? Let's go out.
Yeah.
Out, like in public? Out.
Let's go out.
Really? You sure about this? Let's go to the French place.
You wanna go to the French place? Yeah.
There could be moms at the French place.
There could be moms at the French place.
Can you handle that? I'll live.