Parks and Recreation s06e05 Episode Script
Gin It Up!
Hey, I've gained a lot of ground in the polls.
That's good news.
Yeah, I have you down only four points, but they're running a ton of new negative ads.
Maybe you should fight back.
Ben, your heart's in the right place.
Your heart and your butt.
I will not go negative.
Crap on a turd! Care for a "Recall Knope" gift bag? The committee to recall Leslie Knope is relentless.
Look what they're handing out at elementary schools.
I'm Leslie Knope.
Tell your parents to recall me.
We all know that I cannot spend as much money on ads as my opponent, but I printed out 10,000 "Don't" stickers and 10,000 question mark stickers.
That way, if you see a sign and it says "Recall Knope," all you need to do is add the question mark and the "Don't," and suddenly, it reads, "Recall Knope? Don't.
" Why don't you just put the "Don't" in front of "Recall Knope"? Yep, that's a much better idea.
Can I have these question mark stickers? Why? I want to put them on stop signs.
April, no! Hi.
Um, I need to talk to somebody about reserving a park.
Oh, we have a new policy.
Parks can only be reserved for witch covens or slip-and-slide competitions.
Which one are you? Uh, slip-and-slide competition.
- Seriously? - No.
Why would you even compete in something like that? It doesn't matter.
Um, I called earlier about the free vaccinations thing.
We're hoping to set up a mobile hospital in one of your parks.
I'm sorry, is there something wrong with him? Tom, this witch wants to reserve a park for her satanic ritual.
Can you help her? Right.
Smashing.
Uh, yes, I'm Thomas Haverford.
I sort of run the whole department.
Um, what was the name, then? Uh, Nadia Statsky.
I'm from Doctors Without Borders.
Brilliant.
The old "D"s without "B"s.
Uh, we can definitely help.
Yeah, Tom's your guy.
He actually used to run the Parks Department in his home country of Russia.
This one is mental.
She's joking, obviously.
How could I be from Russia? Not with this spot-on British accent.
We can definitely get you sorted.
Right this way.
Okay.
Whoa.
I am pretty sure you shouldn't have a weapon at work.
Literally everything is a weapon, son.
That folder, in my hands, is far deadlier than this bow in yours.
Oh, that's probably true.
So, Leslie and I just finished putting together our will, and she wants you to be the witness.
You mind signing it? That's your will? You need that many pages to say, "Give my stuff to my wife"? It's a complicated legal document.
It doesn't have to be.
I've had the same will since I was eight years old.
"Upon my death, all of my belongings "shall transfer to the man or animal who has killed me.
" What are these weird symbols? The man who kills me will know.
Okay, you should really have a will that's more than one sentence long.
You have a wife and kids now.
I could introduce you to our lawyer.
The three most useless jobs in the world are, in order, lawyer, congressman, and doctor.
Pass.
Ron, that document is nothing.
It's not even notarized.
You know, if you die and you don't have a real will, most of what you own will go to the government.
Where is this lawyer you speak of? I'm pleased to formally submit Bill 68-J, which funds a new bike path in Ramsett Park.
- Motion to table this bill.
- Second.
- I also submit Bill 68-R.
- Motion to table.
Second.
You guys want to delay all my bills? Fine.
I'm just gonna keep my head down and continue to get work done.
All right, well, uh, motion to end this session early so nothing can get done.
Second.
Gahhh, you guys are the worst! Sorry, Knope.
We're just looking for any possible way to get you recalled because we don't like you.
- It's nothing personal.
- It absolutely is personal.
That is the definition of "personal.
" "The definition of personal.
" Excuse me, we have an issue.
A tweet has been tweeted from the Parks and Rec Twitter, and I'm afraid it is quite sexually graphic.
It's probably just some bored teenager who hacked the account.
Whoever it is, it's quite serious.
I don't want you to get recalled Knope, but damn, these people know how to pick a neck massager.
And before you get on my case about those stickers, I already did 'em.
Donna, there is trouble a-brewin'.
We think that you may have accidentally tweeted from the Parks and Rec account rather than your own personal account.
Uh-oh.
What'd it say? "See you tonight.
"Hope you like tongue baths, you big, nasty fireman.
" Then there's a picture of a pair of lips and then a picture of an eggplant.
I'm both confused, and if we're being totally honest, a little aroused.
Ew.
Not to give you too much of a peek into my personal life, but this could have been way worse.
What's important is, we deleted the tweet, and nobody is gonna know it's you, but Donna, you know, be more careful in the future.
This almost blew up in my face.
I'm here live, at a press conference, where Councilman Jeremy Jamm will discuss a government scandal we are calling "Twitter Watergate" until we can find a snappier name for it.
Tongue baths? Eggplants? Firemen? Those men are heroes who deserve respect! This is how Leslie Knope runs her Parks Department? We are going to hold hearing after hearing, until we are satisfied.
This will be blown way out of proportion! You have my word on it! Ugh.
Ooh, this is bad.
I'm gonna get fired.
No one is getting fired, okay? Jamm is trying to use this to hurt me in the recall.
He's trying to take me down, and he's willing to attack my friends in the process? - No.
No way.
Not on my watch.
- Not on her watch.
He is not gonna sully your name.
No sullying allowed! Don't worry about it, Donna.
We're gonna nip this in the bud.
Guard your buds, 'cause they're about to get nipped! - Okay.
- Okay.
So, why does Doctors Without Borders want to come to Pawnee? Pawnee is like a petri dish of weird diseases.
Did you know you have a higher rate of the West Nile virus than the actual Western Nile? Sorry, West Nile, looks like Pawnee wins again.
What else have you beaten the Western Nile in? Cricket.
Uh just fill out these forms, and we will be all set like two biscuits inside a tin.
So, you've gone insane.
That's fun.
I just panicked.
She's so out of my league, my brain just made me talk that way so I'd seem cooler.
What should I do? Nothing! This is amazing.
- April.
- Fine.
If you want to have a chance with her, obviously, you have to stop.
It's either that, or you talk like that for the rest of your life.
You think she'd marry me? All right, just let me do the talking here, okay? I mean, he's a lawyer, I'm an accountant.
We speak the same language.
I mean, obviously, accountants are a little more bad boy, but, uh, there's a respect there.
- When will this be over? - Hey, Trevor.
I've been talking to Ron about estate planning, and he is here to do some "Good Will Hunting.
" Because he has to draw up a new will, so-- Yes, I understood, Mr.
Wyatt.
Thank you.
As I've said before, I just don't like puns.
Oh, well, my accountant friends seem to enjoy 'em.
Mr.
Swanson, let's begin by filling out this form, listing your assets and liabilities.
Nice try.
I'm not telling you how much money I have, where it's hidden, or which precious metals and/or gemstones it may or may not take the form of.
If you don't give me the information I need, there's nothing I can do.
Oh, come on, Trevor.
Where there's a "Will," there's a way.
I'm gonna say this one last time, Wyatt.
Check the accountant crap at the door.
Yes, sir, I will.
Unintentional.
All right, let's begin.
These hearings have two goals.
One, to find out exactly how this offensive tweet came to be sent.
And two, to turn this whole thing into a media circus.
Ms.
Knope, do you have a statement? Well, it's actually quite simple.
Uh, a Parks and Rec employee forgot to log out of the Parks and Rec Twitter account, they posted a personal, of the Parks and Rec private message by accident, and, uh, that person is very sorry, and it won't happen again.
Stop stonewalling and tell us what happened here! I just told you what happened.
It was an unfortunate mistake.
Okay, sadly, due to your "intracksidence"-- Not a word.
We may never find out what happened.
When this sick, depraved tweet first came to light, you said, "The account was probably hacked by some bored teenager.
" Now you're saying it's an unfortunate mistake.
Why do you keep flip-flopping? Well, because I learned new information.
When I was four, I thought that chocolate milk came from brown cows, and then I flip-flopped when I found out that there was something called chocolate syrup.
I don't think I'm out of line when I say that this scandal makes Benghazi look like whitewater! It's utterly meaningless.
I think we need to hear from the unnamed employee behind the tweet.
- Perhaps he or she-- - Or them.
It could be a bunch of hot ladies.
Yes, perhaps "them" can finally give us the answers we need.
What, what, what? There she is.
Nadia, I didn't know what you wanted, so I got you a cappuccino, a latte, four bags of coffee beans, and a mini espresso machine.
What happened to your accent? Oh, yeah.
It's gone.
Huh.
You know, I had a cold recently.
I think that may have affected my voice, like, in certain British ways.
Well, that's all there is to that story, so no need for any more questions.
You have a cold? Can I feel your glands? Sure.
Wow, you are wearing a lot of moisturizer on your throat.
Best way to prevent crow's neck.
Is this glitter? So, those are the forms.
You filled 'em out.
Great.
April's gonna file these.
Hey, when is the thing you're doing in the park? I'd love to come by and maybe help administer vaccines? Oh.
Are you a doctor, somehow? No.
No follow-up to that? Okay, great.
Um, well, I'm not actually gonna be attending the event, so if you could just give me the permit, so that I can go home to Indianapolis and never come back here? I am in love with Nadia Whatever-her-last-name-is, and I'm gonna keep her here, using the most powerful weapon I have-- bureaucratic incompetence.
Oh, no.
You filled out Form 3208.
You were supposed to fill out Form 3248.
Oh, God.
This is to lease a hangar at the airport.
I know.
It's so crazy, it almost sounds made up.
Bureaucracy, right? What are you gonna do? Huh.
Weird.
Someone left out a blender, fresh fruits, and rum? I guess we gotta, like, make Daiquiris now.
I like to have music on while I work, you know? What is this place? Ms.
Meagle, let me first say that I am a big fan of your writing.
Thank you.
It's good stuff.
Really good stuff.
Okay, does anyone else here see a double standard? Councilman Dexhart is currently being sued by two different women for sexual harassment, one of whom was the judge in the first woman's trial.
She was talking dirty to me.
She was reading the emails that you sent to the first woman.
Look, I obviously never meant to embarrass the parks department.
My personal account is set to "private.
" Yeah, I don't even know what she writes on there! Well, you may not know what she's writing, but we do.
In a shocking twist to an already juicy story, we have obtained access to Ms.
Meagle's account, via a third party.
Same hairdresser.
Damn it, Typhoon! Why'd you do this? Maybe if you had bothered to come to my Great Gatsby Brunch, you'd know.
I don't even need an exact number.
Just ballpark it.
That's all I need to get started.
Or, I'm sure the state government would love to use your money to hire more bureaucrats, maybe build a library.
Fine, a ballpark figure.
Thank you.
God.
Holy [bleep.]
.
Is this a joke? Another word for "jokes" is "lies.
" I do not lie.
Therefore, I do not joke.
Mr.
Swanson, an estate of this size means that your children would never have to work a day in their lives.
This is going to take some time.
Trusts need to be drawn, tax shelters.
That's enough.
I do not need some drawn-out legal expedition to tell me what I knew when I was eight.
Here's my original will.
Do whatever lawyer nonsense you have to to make it official, and I will sign it.
Good day.
Wait.
What are all these symbols? I was right not to be threatened by you.
Okay, I would like to enter into the record a selection of Ms.
Meagle's tweets.
Uh-oh.
Uh, can I request a brief recess? It's okay, Donna.
I'm not gonna let them fire you.
Yeah, it's not me I'm worried about.
Ms.
Beavers, if you please.
Yesterday, 9:02 A.
M.
"Annoying-ass Leslie "has given me another annoying-ass task.
stickers, bitchboss.
" September 25th.
"Twitter poll: On a scale of 98 to 100, "how annoying is Leslie Knope? "Cuz u know it ain't less than 98.
All my #trueblood fans know what's up.
" Page after page of personal attacks on Leslie Knope.
Not only do you have no control over your department, you don't even have the respect of your employees.
That's what you really think of me? You think I'm annoying? Leslie, sometimes you're kind of annoying.
I mean, I thought that was your thing.
My thing? My thing is not being annoying.
My things are making friendship bracelets and dancing like nobody's watching, thinking up really cool nicknames for my friends.
You of all people should know that, El Diablo! Look, the only reason I'm even on Twitter is to blow off steam about work and tweet nasty stuff to dudes with washboard abs.
You really think I hate you, after all we've been through the last ten years? I honestly don't know anymore.
Okay, I think we've done a lot of good here today.
Leslie, I am sorry, but I could not postpone these pointless hearings that Jamm is having.
He is just determined.
Well, thank you for trying.
I have a question for you.
Do you think I'm annoying? - No.
- Are you lying? - No.
- Are you trying to protect my feelings? No.
Do you think I'm being annoying right now? - Yes.
- So you do think I'm annoying.
I think that you ask a lot of the people that you work with, and I think that people do what you ask because they love you.
But, I also think that driving people as hard as you do can ruffle some feathers.
I think a lot of things.
I like thinking.
And racquetball.
Now who's annoying? I spent the last hour reading some of Donna's old tweets, and it turns out there are some more things that she said about you.
"Message to the recall haters: "You can't keep Leslie Knope down.
"She's too real for this ish.
bossbitch.
" "Leslie Knope is stepping up at these hearings "and taking a bullet for me.
sisterfromanothermister, bossbitch.
" It appears, whereas "bitch boss" is clearly an indication of her frustration, "boss bitch" is a term of endearment.
Isn't language fun? It's like racquetball for your mouth! Did you change your outfit? I changed five times, and she hasn't noticed yet.
I can only stall for so long.
What should I do? Um, I just finished filling this one out.
I didn't know what to put for "Name of commercial airline," because I do not operate a commercial airline, so I just made one up.
What did you name your imaginary airline? "Jet Blue Ivy.
" I figure Jay-Z and Beyonce's kid will own her own airline eventually.
She's the one.
So, can I have my permit now? Finally? Uh, no, there was a mistake, and we gave the park to someone else.
What? Maybe I can drive you around and we'll pick another one? Maybe I'll bring a picnic lunch.
Do you like tamales? You said that that park was ours.
You said it a long time ago, in a British accent.
I probably shouldn't say this, as a doctor.
It's probably not cool.
But I really hope you all get West Nile virus.
Nice meeting you, April.
Kind of.
You're weird too.
Thank you.
We need to talk.
That has never been true.
I think I know what's happening.
Thinking about how to divide up your possessions for when you die, it's tough, confronting your own mortality, and I think it's got you spinning a little bit.
Am I right? Wow.
I had not considered that.
Yes, I think that maybe you are on to something.
Yeah.
Just know that it's perfectly healthy to be thinking about-- Oh, you're joking.
Yes, son, I am.
First joke ever.
Don't care for it.
Death does not scare me.
What I am worried about is spoiling my children.
I don't want 'em to be the kind of people who never work, live off their trust funds, who buy their wooden furniture.
I will leave my children $50 apiece for the cab home from my funeral and a steak dinner, end of discussion.
Okay.
I mean, look, it doesn't matter how much money you leave your kids.
What matters is that you teach them the right values.
But, if something horrible happens, and you want your kids to be left alone with no safety net, just so they can learn some kind of weird lesson, then, by all means, leave your fortune to the wild boar who gores you to death.
I'd never lose to a boar.
I'm sorry if I can be little annoying at times, but one person's annoying is another person's inspiring and heroic, so, you know, who are we to judge? And I'm sorry for writing those things.
Some of those things.
I can't promise that I won't be inspiring and heroic in the future.
And I can't promise that I won't complain about it.
Deal.
I got you an apology present.
Oh! It is all of your favorite lipsticks and nail polishes, and I got the same ones too.
I printed out a schedule, so we can wear them at the same time.
Now, I would like you to open each one in front of me, and tell me how you feel about them individually.
Let me take a picture.
Are you tweeting this? Mm-hmm.
What's the hashtag gonna be? "Boss bitch" or "bitch boss"? Yeah, it's "psycho boss.
" Eh, I don't hate that.
Benjamin, after thinking about what you said, I've decided to leave each of my children Wow, 5 whole percent.
So, I guess you are gonna teach them a lesson.
Oh, my God, that's 5%? That is a lot of money.
Wait, is this a joke? It is not a joke.
Not that an accountant would know the difference.
Also, if something should happen to Diane and me, we decided that the kids should go to the most important people in our lives.
Ron, I'm--I'm incredibly flattered.
Ralph Piatkowski and his wife Helen.
He's the Maitre D' at Mulligan's Steakhouse, and he knows me better than anyone.
However, if they are not able to do it, which seems likely, as they're in their 90s, you and Leslie are choice number two.
I'm honored.
Everyone, take your seats, so this witch hunt may proceed as scheduled.
Speaking of, uh, where are the witches? They're right here! Well, we're not witches.
That's sexist and offensive.
But we're right here, and we are not gonna sit in this room and let you drag our names through the mud just to score some cheap political points.
How dare you demean the value of the political points I'm scoring? We have had enough.
I am going back to work so I can do some good for this town, and my friend Donna is coming with me.
Hmm.
I prefer "El Diablo.
" Uh, this is not over, Ms.
Knope! Donna, quit punishing me! - I miss you.
- Uh-uh! Bridge burned, Typhoon.
Or should I say, "Norman"? Uh-huh.
Okay, I'm just gonna man up, tell her how I feel, and hope she feels the same way about me, and that's that.
If she doesn't, no big deal.
It's done.
I'm an adult.
Let's do it.
Great.
Nope, I can't do it.
New plan.
Tell her all the screw-ups were your fault.
I'll tell her I had to cover for you, because you are so dumb.
Nadia! We're very sorry for everything you went through today.
I have reserved the park for your event.
Now, April has something she'd like to admit.
Tom wants me to tell you that all the screw-ups were my fault, but really, he kept messing up so that you would stay in Pawnee as long as possible because he is super into you.
Okay.
Several questions.
- Is any part of him British? - No.
So, that was just weird, panicky dude behavior? - Yeah.
- Okay.
I'm just trying to figure out if acting that insane is, like, romantic, or totally scary.
I'll go with romantic.
He is kind of cute.
What's his deal? He's sweet, he's cool, and you're, like, way out of his league, so there's literally no risk for you at all here.
Okay.
Well, I am going to Rwanda in, like, two weeks for my job, so, what the hell? Cool.
So, you want to go out with me? Yes, please.
Okay.
Bye.
Okay, you owe me, like, 1,000 favors.
See ya.
That's good news.
Yeah, I have you down only four points, but they're running a ton of new negative ads.
Maybe you should fight back.
Ben, your heart's in the right place.
Your heart and your butt.
I will not go negative.
Crap on a turd! Care for a "Recall Knope" gift bag? The committee to recall Leslie Knope is relentless.
Look what they're handing out at elementary schools.
I'm Leslie Knope.
Tell your parents to recall me.
We all know that I cannot spend as much money on ads as my opponent, but I printed out 10,000 "Don't" stickers and 10,000 question mark stickers.
That way, if you see a sign and it says "Recall Knope," all you need to do is add the question mark and the "Don't," and suddenly, it reads, "Recall Knope? Don't.
" Why don't you just put the "Don't" in front of "Recall Knope"? Yep, that's a much better idea.
Can I have these question mark stickers? Why? I want to put them on stop signs.
April, no! Hi.
Um, I need to talk to somebody about reserving a park.
Oh, we have a new policy.
Parks can only be reserved for witch covens or slip-and-slide competitions.
Which one are you? Uh, slip-and-slide competition.
- Seriously? - No.
Why would you even compete in something like that? It doesn't matter.
Um, I called earlier about the free vaccinations thing.
We're hoping to set up a mobile hospital in one of your parks.
I'm sorry, is there something wrong with him? Tom, this witch wants to reserve a park for her satanic ritual.
Can you help her? Right.
Smashing.
Uh, yes, I'm Thomas Haverford.
I sort of run the whole department.
Um, what was the name, then? Uh, Nadia Statsky.
I'm from Doctors Without Borders.
Brilliant.
The old "D"s without "B"s.
Uh, we can definitely help.
Yeah, Tom's your guy.
He actually used to run the Parks Department in his home country of Russia.
This one is mental.
She's joking, obviously.
How could I be from Russia? Not with this spot-on British accent.
We can definitely get you sorted.
Right this way.
Okay.
Whoa.
I am pretty sure you shouldn't have a weapon at work.
Literally everything is a weapon, son.
That folder, in my hands, is far deadlier than this bow in yours.
Oh, that's probably true.
So, Leslie and I just finished putting together our will, and she wants you to be the witness.
You mind signing it? That's your will? You need that many pages to say, "Give my stuff to my wife"? It's a complicated legal document.
It doesn't have to be.
I've had the same will since I was eight years old.
"Upon my death, all of my belongings "shall transfer to the man or animal who has killed me.
" What are these weird symbols? The man who kills me will know.
Okay, you should really have a will that's more than one sentence long.
You have a wife and kids now.
I could introduce you to our lawyer.
The three most useless jobs in the world are, in order, lawyer, congressman, and doctor.
Pass.
Ron, that document is nothing.
It's not even notarized.
You know, if you die and you don't have a real will, most of what you own will go to the government.
Where is this lawyer you speak of? I'm pleased to formally submit Bill 68-J, which funds a new bike path in Ramsett Park.
- Motion to table this bill.
- Second.
- I also submit Bill 68-R.
- Motion to table.
Second.
You guys want to delay all my bills? Fine.
I'm just gonna keep my head down and continue to get work done.
All right, well, uh, motion to end this session early so nothing can get done.
Second.
Gahhh, you guys are the worst! Sorry, Knope.
We're just looking for any possible way to get you recalled because we don't like you.
- It's nothing personal.
- It absolutely is personal.
That is the definition of "personal.
" "The definition of personal.
" Excuse me, we have an issue.
A tweet has been tweeted from the Parks and Rec Twitter, and I'm afraid it is quite sexually graphic.
It's probably just some bored teenager who hacked the account.
Whoever it is, it's quite serious.
I don't want you to get recalled Knope, but damn, these people know how to pick a neck massager.
And before you get on my case about those stickers, I already did 'em.
Donna, there is trouble a-brewin'.
We think that you may have accidentally tweeted from the Parks and Rec account rather than your own personal account.
Uh-oh.
What'd it say? "See you tonight.
"Hope you like tongue baths, you big, nasty fireman.
" Then there's a picture of a pair of lips and then a picture of an eggplant.
I'm both confused, and if we're being totally honest, a little aroused.
Ew.
Not to give you too much of a peek into my personal life, but this could have been way worse.
What's important is, we deleted the tweet, and nobody is gonna know it's you, but Donna, you know, be more careful in the future.
This almost blew up in my face.
I'm here live, at a press conference, where Councilman Jeremy Jamm will discuss a government scandal we are calling "Twitter Watergate" until we can find a snappier name for it.
Tongue baths? Eggplants? Firemen? Those men are heroes who deserve respect! This is how Leslie Knope runs her Parks Department? We are going to hold hearing after hearing, until we are satisfied.
This will be blown way out of proportion! You have my word on it! Ugh.
Ooh, this is bad.
I'm gonna get fired.
No one is getting fired, okay? Jamm is trying to use this to hurt me in the recall.
He's trying to take me down, and he's willing to attack my friends in the process? - No.
No way.
Not on my watch.
- Not on her watch.
He is not gonna sully your name.
No sullying allowed! Don't worry about it, Donna.
We're gonna nip this in the bud.
Guard your buds, 'cause they're about to get nipped! - Okay.
- Okay.
So, why does Doctors Without Borders want to come to Pawnee? Pawnee is like a petri dish of weird diseases.
Did you know you have a higher rate of the West Nile virus than the actual Western Nile? Sorry, West Nile, looks like Pawnee wins again.
What else have you beaten the Western Nile in? Cricket.
Uh just fill out these forms, and we will be all set like two biscuits inside a tin.
So, you've gone insane.
That's fun.
I just panicked.
She's so out of my league, my brain just made me talk that way so I'd seem cooler.
What should I do? Nothing! This is amazing.
- April.
- Fine.
If you want to have a chance with her, obviously, you have to stop.
It's either that, or you talk like that for the rest of your life.
You think she'd marry me? All right, just let me do the talking here, okay? I mean, he's a lawyer, I'm an accountant.
We speak the same language.
I mean, obviously, accountants are a little more bad boy, but, uh, there's a respect there.
- When will this be over? - Hey, Trevor.
I've been talking to Ron about estate planning, and he is here to do some "Good Will Hunting.
" Because he has to draw up a new will, so-- Yes, I understood, Mr.
Wyatt.
Thank you.
As I've said before, I just don't like puns.
Oh, well, my accountant friends seem to enjoy 'em.
Mr.
Swanson, let's begin by filling out this form, listing your assets and liabilities.
Nice try.
I'm not telling you how much money I have, where it's hidden, or which precious metals and/or gemstones it may or may not take the form of.
If you don't give me the information I need, there's nothing I can do.
Oh, come on, Trevor.
Where there's a "Will," there's a way.
I'm gonna say this one last time, Wyatt.
Check the accountant crap at the door.
Yes, sir, I will.
Unintentional.
All right, let's begin.
These hearings have two goals.
One, to find out exactly how this offensive tweet came to be sent.
And two, to turn this whole thing into a media circus.
Ms.
Knope, do you have a statement? Well, it's actually quite simple.
Uh, a Parks and Rec employee forgot to log out of the Parks and Rec Twitter account, they posted a personal, of the Parks and Rec private message by accident, and, uh, that person is very sorry, and it won't happen again.
Stop stonewalling and tell us what happened here! I just told you what happened.
It was an unfortunate mistake.
Okay, sadly, due to your "intracksidence"-- Not a word.
We may never find out what happened.
When this sick, depraved tweet first came to light, you said, "The account was probably hacked by some bored teenager.
" Now you're saying it's an unfortunate mistake.
Why do you keep flip-flopping? Well, because I learned new information.
When I was four, I thought that chocolate milk came from brown cows, and then I flip-flopped when I found out that there was something called chocolate syrup.
I don't think I'm out of line when I say that this scandal makes Benghazi look like whitewater! It's utterly meaningless.
I think we need to hear from the unnamed employee behind the tweet.
- Perhaps he or she-- - Or them.
It could be a bunch of hot ladies.
Yes, perhaps "them" can finally give us the answers we need.
What, what, what? There she is.
Nadia, I didn't know what you wanted, so I got you a cappuccino, a latte, four bags of coffee beans, and a mini espresso machine.
What happened to your accent? Oh, yeah.
It's gone.
Huh.
You know, I had a cold recently.
I think that may have affected my voice, like, in certain British ways.
Well, that's all there is to that story, so no need for any more questions.
You have a cold? Can I feel your glands? Sure.
Wow, you are wearing a lot of moisturizer on your throat.
Best way to prevent crow's neck.
Is this glitter? So, those are the forms.
You filled 'em out.
Great.
April's gonna file these.
Hey, when is the thing you're doing in the park? I'd love to come by and maybe help administer vaccines? Oh.
Are you a doctor, somehow? No.
No follow-up to that? Okay, great.
Um, well, I'm not actually gonna be attending the event, so if you could just give me the permit, so that I can go home to Indianapolis and never come back here? I am in love with Nadia Whatever-her-last-name-is, and I'm gonna keep her here, using the most powerful weapon I have-- bureaucratic incompetence.
Oh, no.
You filled out Form 3208.
You were supposed to fill out Form 3248.
Oh, God.
This is to lease a hangar at the airport.
I know.
It's so crazy, it almost sounds made up.
Bureaucracy, right? What are you gonna do? Huh.
Weird.
Someone left out a blender, fresh fruits, and rum? I guess we gotta, like, make Daiquiris now.
I like to have music on while I work, you know? What is this place? Ms.
Meagle, let me first say that I am a big fan of your writing.
Thank you.
It's good stuff.
Really good stuff.
Okay, does anyone else here see a double standard? Councilman Dexhart is currently being sued by two different women for sexual harassment, one of whom was the judge in the first woman's trial.
She was talking dirty to me.
She was reading the emails that you sent to the first woman.
Look, I obviously never meant to embarrass the parks department.
My personal account is set to "private.
" Yeah, I don't even know what she writes on there! Well, you may not know what she's writing, but we do.
In a shocking twist to an already juicy story, we have obtained access to Ms.
Meagle's account, via a third party.
Same hairdresser.
Damn it, Typhoon! Why'd you do this? Maybe if you had bothered to come to my Great Gatsby Brunch, you'd know.
I don't even need an exact number.
Just ballpark it.
That's all I need to get started.
Or, I'm sure the state government would love to use your money to hire more bureaucrats, maybe build a library.
Fine, a ballpark figure.
Thank you.
God.
Holy [bleep.]
.
Is this a joke? Another word for "jokes" is "lies.
" I do not lie.
Therefore, I do not joke.
Mr.
Swanson, an estate of this size means that your children would never have to work a day in their lives.
This is going to take some time.
Trusts need to be drawn, tax shelters.
That's enough.
I do not need some drawn-out legal expedition to tell me what I knew when I was eight.
Here's my original will.
Do whatever lawyer nonsense you have to to make it official, and I will sign it.
Good day.
Wait.
What are all these symbols? I was right not to be threatened by you.
Okay, I would like to enter into the record a selection of Ms.
Meagle's tweets.
Uh-oh.
Uh, can I request a brief recess? It's okay, Donna.
I'm not gonna let them fire you.
Yeah, it's not me I'm worried about.
Ms.
Beavers, if you please.
Yesterday, 9:02 A.
M.
"Annoying-ass Leslie "has given me another annoying-ass task.
stickers, bitchboss.
" September 25th.
"Twitter poll: On a scale of 98 to 100, "how annoying is Leslie Knope? "Cuz u know it ain't less than 98.
All my #trueblood fans know what's up.
" Page after page of personal attacks on Leslie Knope.
Not only do you have no control over your department, you don't even have the respect of your employees.
That's what you really think of me? You think I'm annoying? Leslie, sometimes you're kind of annoying.
I mean, I thought that was your thing.
My thing? My thing is not being annoying.
My things are making friendship bracelets and dancing like nobody's watching, thinking up really cool nicknames for my friends.
You of all people should know that, El Diablo! Look, the only reason I'm even on Twitter is to blow off steam about work and tweet nasty stuff to dudes with washboard abs.
You really think I hate you, after all we've been through the last ten years? I honestly don't know anymore.
Okay, I think we've done a lot of good here today.
Leslie, I am sorry, but I could not postpone these pointless hearings that Jamm is having.
He is just determined.
Well, thank you for trying.
I have a question for you.
Do you think I'm annoying? - No.
- Are you lying? - No.
- Are you trying to protect my feelings? No.
Do you think I'm being annoying right now? - Yes.
- So you do think I'm annoying.
I think that you ask a lot of the people that you work with, and I think that people do what you ask because they love you.
But, I also think that driving people as hard as you do can ruffle some feathers.
I think a lot of things.
I like thinking.
And racquetball.
Now who's annoying? I spent the last hour reading some of Donna's old tweets, and it turns out there are some more things that she said about you.
"Message to the recall haters: "You can't keep Leslie Knope down.
"She's too real for this ish.
bossbitch.
" "Leslie Knope is stepping up at these hearings "and taking a bullet for me.
sisterfromanothermister, bossbitch.
" It appears, whereas "bitch boss" is clearly an indication of her frustration, "boss bitch" is a term of endearment.
Isn't language fun? It's like racquetball for your mouth! Did you change your outfit? I changed five times, and she hasn't noticed yet.
I can only stall for so long.
What should I do? Um, I just finished filling this one out.
I didn't know what to put for "Name of commercial airline," because I do not operate a commercial airline, so I just made one up.
What did you name your imaginary airline? "Jet Blue Ivy.
" I figure Jay-Z and Beyonce's kid will own her own airline eventually.
She's the one.
So, can I have my permit now? Finally? Uh, no, there was a mistake, and we gave the park to someone else.
What? Maybe I can drive you around and we'll pick another one? Maybe I'll bring a picnic lunch.
Do you like tamales? You said that that park was ours.
You said it a long time ago, in a British accent.
I probably shouldn't say this, as a doctor.
It's probably not cool.
But I really hope you all get West Nile virus.
Nice meeting you, April.
Kind of.
You're weird too.
Thank you.
We need to talk.
That has never been true.
I think I know what's happening.
Thinking about how to divide up your possessions for when you die, it's tough, confronting your own mortality, and I think it's got you spinning a little bit.
Am I right? Wow.
I had not considered that.
Yes, I think that maybe you are on to something.
Yeah.
Just know that it's perfectly healthy to be thinking about-- Oh, you're joking.
Yes, son, I am.
First joke ever.
Don't care for it.
Death does not scare me.
What I am worried about is spoiling my children.
I don't want 'em to be the kind of people who never work, live off their trust funds, who buy their wooden furniture.
I will leave my children $50 apiece for the cab home from my funeral and a steak dinner, end of discussion.
Okay.
I mean, look, it doesn't matter how much money you leave your kids.
What matters is that you teach them the right values.
But, if something horrible happens, and you want your kids to be left alone with no safety net, just so they can learn some kind of weird lesson, then, by all means, leave your fortune to the wild boar who gores you to death.
I'd never lose to a boar.
I'm sorry if I can be little annoying at times, but one person's annoying is another person's inspiring and heroic, so, you know, who are we to judge? And I'm sorry for writing those things.
Some of those things.
I can't promise that I won't be inspiring and heroic in the future.
And I can't promise that I won't complain about it.
Deal.
I got you an apology present.
Oh! It is all of your favorite lipsticks and nail polishes, and I got the same ones too.
I printed out a schedule, so we can wear them at the same time.
Now, I would like you to open each one in front of me, and tell me how you feel about them individually.
Let me take a picture.
Are you tweeting this? Mm-hmm.
What's the hashtag gonna be? "Boss bitch" or "bitch boss"? Yeah, it's "psycho boss.
" Eh, I don't hate that.
Benjamin, after thinking about what you said, I've decided to leave each of my children Wow, 5 whole percent.
So, I guess you are gonna teach them a lesson.
Oh, my God, that's 5%? That is a lot of money.
Wait, is this a joke? It is not a joke.
Not that an accountant would know the difference.
Also, if something should happen to Diane and me, we decided that the kids should go to the most important people in our lives.
Ron, I'm--I'm incredibly flattered.
Ralph Piatkowski and his wife Helen.
He's the Maitre D' at Mulligan's Steakhouse, and he knows me better than anyone.
However, if they are not able to do it, which seems likely, as they're in their 90s, you and Leslie are choice number two.
I'm honored.
Everyone, take your seats, so this witch hunt may proceed as scheduled.
Speaking of, uh, where are the witches? They're right here! Well, we're not witches.
That's sexist and offensive.
But we're right here, and we are not gonna sit in this room and let you drag our names through the mud just to score some cheap political points.
How dare you demean the value of the political points I'm scoring? We have had enough.
I am going back to work so I can do some good for this town, and my friend Donna is coming with me.
Hmm.
I prefer "El Diablo.
" Uh, this is not over, Ms.
Knope! Donna, quit punishing me! - I miss you.
- Uh-uh! Bridge burned, Typhoon.
Or should I say, "Norman"? Uh-huh.
Okay, I'm just gonna man up, tell her how I feel, and hope she feels the same way about me, and that's that.
If she doesn't, no big deal.
It's done.
I'm an adult.
Let's do it.
Great.
Nope, I can't do it.
New plan.
Tell her all the screw-ups were your fault.
I'll tell her I had to cover for you, because you are so dumb.
Nadia! We're very sorry for everything you went through today.
I have reserved the park for your event.
Now, April has something she'd like to admit.
Tom wants me to tell you that all the screw-ups were my fault, but really, he kept messing up so that you would stay in Pawnee as long as possible because he is super into you.
Okay.
Several questions.
- Is any part of him British? - No.
So, that was just weird, panicky dude behavior? - Yeah.
- Okay.
I'm just trying to figure out if acting that insane is, like, romantic, or totally scary.
I'll go with romantic.
He is kind of cute.
What's his deal? He's sweet, he's cool, and you're, like, way out of his league, so there's literally no risk for you at all here.
Okay.
Well, I am going to Rwanda in, like, two weeks for my job, so, what the hell? Cool.
So, you want to go out with me? Yes, please.
Okay.
Bye.
Okay, you owe me, like, 1,000 favors.
See ya.