Portlandia (2011) s06e05 Episode Script

1 All right.
I'm on my way out.
How's it going? I'm making a lot of headway with the spring cleaning.
Look, this is every key I've ever owned, Claire.
Seems like garbage pile for that.
- All of these keys? - Yeah.
No, no, no, this is gonna be in the "maybe" pile.
What's the "maybe" pile? That's the key "maybe" pile.
That's the papers "maybe" pile.
That's the pillow "maybe" pile.
Claire! - I have never seen that before.
- Misfits! I've been looking everywhere for this.
It's a collectors' item.
"Walk Among Us.
" - You remember? - I don't.
All I ask is that you pare down by the time I get home.
Do you think this is a good guitar? No.
It's a toy.
Remember what I looked like when I was looking at the screen? Doug, enough.
Don't you see this is important to me, you getting rid of this stuff? It's stressing me out.
Don't you see that this is important to me? This is, like, a part of my life.
And the compromise is for you to organize it and put it away.
- Yes.
- Pare down.
Organize.
- I will.
- All right, good luck.
- All right.
- Bye.
Bye.
Yes.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Thank you for driving.
- Yeah, you bet.
Oh, my God, your car is so clean.
Yeah, Rob got it detailed for me yesterday when he got off of work.
- He's so nice.
- I know.
- Claire.
- Yeah? - Hi.
- So glad you didn't leave yet.
What's up? Um What is it? I can't find the iPad anywhere.
I was gonna bring it with me.
I want to watch "Vikings.
" - Sure, Doug, yeah.
- Thanks.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Nice car.
- Yeah, thanks.
Yes.
Whoa.
Okay.
Bye, hon.
My knees are in dog shit.
Oh, God.
- Good to see you.
- You should hose that off.
Please, before you get in the house.
- Yeah.
- We're off.
Bye, Claire.
No, it was me.
I was just looking at my notes the whole time.
No, you were great.
Your PowerPoint was super tight.
Thanks.
Where is Rob? I texted him hours ago that we didn't get the account, and he's totally AWOL.
Well, Doug texted me once, and it was to ask whether or not he liked pizza.
It's like, how does he not know whether he likes pizza? So selfish, he can't do anything without me.
- It is selfish.
- Yeah, I'm sick of it.
- These guys are clueless.
- Yeah.
Hi, are you ladies over 21? Oh, my God.
Hi! What are you doing here? I thought I'd surprise you.
You want to have a fun night? - Oh, I need a fun night.
- Good.
Hey, Claire, fun night? Um, you guys have a fun night.
Yeah, go ahead.
- Oh.
- Oh, okay.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Well, I'll see you tomorrow, okay? - All right, bye.
- Bye.
Claire, I'm so happy you're home! I burnt my hand.
Yeah, I was trying to use the oven, and I didn't have a mitt.
Wait, you were cooking? Yeah, I was warming up a pot cookie in the iron skillet.
Ah, this is so much better.
What do you think? The shirt's framed.
Baby shoes, framed.
Every toothbrush in the last two years, framed.
Doug, I'm not up here at all.
It's just you.
I'm done with this.
You don't ask me about my day or my job.
We never go to museums.
You don't talk to me about books you're reading.
Claire, I'm sorry.
How was your day? Do you want to go to the museum? How's your job? Did I tell you about the book I read? I need someone who can take care of me.
Hey, I can take care of you.
Ah! How, Doug? Ah, I was gonna try to rub your thigh.
I want you to move out, Doug.
it's a brand-new day and I feel fine it's a brand-new chance to get it right oh-oh, oh-oh it's a brand-new day and it's all mine there's a brand-new way I'm gonna shine oh, oh, oh, oh so watch me, watch me I'm gonna break away yeah, yeah 'cause it's a brand-new day - Hi.
- Morning.
- Hey, buddy.
- How you doing? - Good.
How'd you sleep? - Really great.
That tent is really, really well-made.
- So you like the tent.
- I love it.
You know, it's gonna be hard getting over Claire.
Um, but the tent is helping tremendously.
It's such a good tent.
Yeah, absolutely.
I mean-- But you don't want something that's a little more, like, private and-- - Permanent, maybe? - You know? If I do anything, you know, maybe I'll just, like, build a place.
You mean build your own house? Yeah.
You know, you need load-bearing beams.
Yeah.
And then glue a, uh, doorknob on there.
Have you ever done anything like this, like a birdhouse? Have you ever done anything like this at all? Does not a chef look at a recipe book before he cooks? Did you ever hear that saying? It's like, I can do it if I learn as I go.
- Right, yeah.
- But-- I mean, you would need a space.
Where would you even build it at? hum hum, hum That's a good question.
hum, hum I have an idea.
hum hum, hum hum hum, hum hum hum, hum hum hum, hum hum hum, hum Eh Sorry.
Agh! Damn it.
Hi, can I help you find something? Oh, yes, I'm looking for band T-shirts.
Band T-shirts-- yeah, right this way.
Um, are you looking for a certain kind, like a tank top or a distressed look? - It's, um, the Misfits.
- The Misfits.
They have this logo that's, like, a skull.
A skull-- we have some skulls.
I don't-- Oh! Here.
That's a skull, right? No, it's, like, black, and then, like, the skull is white.
- Oh.
- All their-- Their whole theme is, like, scary things.
Cool.
What's an album? I'll check it out, actually.
Uh, "Walk Among Us.
" "Walk Among Us.
" Cool.
Uh, I don't think any of these are the right ones.
Yeah, I'm so sorry.
I'm-- I don't think we have that.
It's funny, I used to actually listen to them on cassette.
I don't know this band, The Cassettes.
- It's not a band.
- Oh.
This is a format of music.
- So-- - Like Pandora? Even better than that.
It's even better.
- It's, like, for music nerds.
- Is it an app? It's an app.
Yes and no.
You, like, know a lot about music, huh? Well, thank you very much.
I-- that's really nice of you.
I mean-- What's your name? - Oh, it's Doug.
- Doug.
- Kendall.
- Okay.
Kendall.
Oh.
Hi.
Nice to meet you.
Um, can I have your number? Oh, is it for the store or No, for me.
Yeah, great.
His chief was so good.
- Right.
- Mm-hmm.
But I think it's a-- it's a lady, right? - They're all ladies, so - Yeah.
- Is she transgender? - I don't know.
Is it about religion? Is it about what a god is? Or is it about the horse? Either way, it's still effective and pretty powerful, as far as I'm concerned.
We'll see what the ending is.
I thought it was interesting that the horse was female but she still had a penis, so the phallus was kind of representing woman.
I was curious, what do you think of them casting all women? Is it the director emptying out the contents of the god complex? Oh, interesting question.
Um, perhaps, or maybe they're just reinforcing monotheism.
Yeah, I think that's totally right.
Well, I like how you think.
- Thanks.
- I'll tell you a funny story.
I saw a production of "Equus" in London in 1979, and the entire cast was horses.
I'm not kidding.
And it was beautiful.
Because these animals were thrusting and neighing.
And I was just writhing right there in the theater.
I did not care.
That sounds incredible.
A lot more incredible than the, uh, goat they're using in this production.
I'm sorry.
- Oh, okay.
- Oh, okay.
It was nice to meet you.
It was really nice to meet you.
- And what is your name? - Oh, I'm Claire.
I'm Candace.
Maybe you've got a phone number or something if you'd like to come over for dinner.
We can continue our discussion then.
Oh, I'd love that, yeah.
I-I have a card.
Claire Jones.
Okay, well, I'll give you a call.
Nice to meet you.
- Hey, it's Doug.
- Hi! Let's Facetime.
Oh, uh, yeah, okay.
Okay.
- Hi! - How's it going? You look really cute.
Thank you.
This is where I live.
Oh.
It's actually on the top of a mansion.
Hello, Claire? This is Candace Devereaux from the play the other night.
- Hi.
- Did you think it was me? I didn't know who it was.
I didn't recognize the number.
But something made you want to answer.
Do you want to come out with us? Now? we're gonna go dancing - I'm kind of in already, so-- - Really? How about maybe Friday we do something? Yeah! I'm having a dinner on Friday night.
Are you free, by any chance? Yeah, I can make it.
I can't wait to see you.
I'll see you on Friday.
See you soon.
Bye! Hey! - Hi.
- Hey.
- How's it going? - Good.
How are you? Sorry about the car.
It's just like-- They make me put on that, like, mustache on the front.
What? No, it's awesome.
I love it.
It's, like, kind of embarrassing.
I don't even have a license, dude.
- Do you know how to drive? - Mm-mm.
Oh, well, it's pretty easy.
I'll teach you.
- Are you serious? - Yeah.
It's park, reverse, drive, left, right, windshield wipers-- Doug? You're amazing.
You're amazing.
No, but-- no, you're amazing.
Salad tonight-- So just-- you can-- Look, just toss it.
No, no, just-- If you gently just f-- It's-- you're fluffing it without stomping all over it.
I want you to try something really good.
This is Château du Ciel, 1992.
Here.
I don't want you to open a special bottle.
It is so good.
I got it when I was in Bordeaux.
Okay.
Now try it.
- Mmm.
- What do you think? Well, it sort of has a warming effect.
There's something very tingling, sparkly, unexpected, a depth, just illuminating every fiber of my being.
"Awed by her splendor, the stars near the lovely moon cover their own bright faces.
" Did you write that? Claire, my dear-- Sappho.
Toss the salad.
Back when I was a kid, we had these things called home phones-- it's like a landline-- and then buttons that stick out.
So you just go beep, boop, boop, beep, beep, boop, boop, beep, beep.
Hi, guys.
So what's everyone having? - Um, vodka? - Beer? And for you? Uh, I'm gonna do a Laphroaig.
- What's a Laphroaig? - It's a Scotch.
So what's, like, the difference between a Scotch and a whiskey, then? Oh, it's geographical.
So, you know, if, like, this is Scotland here, whiskey from Tennessee, uh, Canada, who cares? Good night! - Just trying to clear some-- - Stop, no, no, leave it.
- I just-- I want to help.
- That's for me in the morning.
No, leave it, leave it, leave it.
- Okay, okay, okay, okay.
- This all stays.
I, uh-- I feel like I should go.
No, you should stay a little while.
I have some dessert, some chocolate mousse that's homemade.
Is there anything that you can't do? Hmm, well, I-- I can't stop staring at you.
Dougie, this is the most amazing place I've ever seen.
It's perfect.
- Wow.
- You're perfect.
I hate to think that anyone ever told you you weren't perfect.
What? I feel so not judged by you.
Aww.
Play me a song.
Okay.
Let me just-- I got to tune-- the captain steers the ship to the right, to the left the captain steers the ship and then he turns it around and goes back to port the cap-- the captain You're a genius.
I hope you're hungry.
Oh, you're so sweet.
Was I okay last night? Did you-- Did I? I'm still It was amazing.
I feel alive and confused but-- but happy.
I've never said this before, Claire, but it was too good.
I'm worried about my health.
I'm worried about my emotional health.
My hair was shaking.
I went off instinct.
I don't know who taught you or where you learned to do what you do.
It's intimidating.
How do you look at that mouth? Aren't you gonna eat breakfast? Yeah, I am.
Hi.
- How'd you sleep? - Good.
- Last night was so fun.
- It was so fun.
You fell asleep, though, really fast.
Yeah, I was, like, really zonked out.
Yeah.
I was thinking maybe today, just me and you could hang out and do something.
No, 'cause we have a whole day planned.
We're gonna take mushrooms and go to Sauvie Island.
All right.
I'm so hungry.
Want me to go out and get some coffee and muffins and stuff? Yeah.
Hey, Doug.
What's up, man? I'm gonna go get some coffee, Finn.
Can you grab me some coffee? Yeah, that's what I'm gonna do.
All right, man.
Just like that.
The end.
I wish I didn't have to leave this bed.
Well, don't.
Just stay.
I can't.
I have work.
I have clients.
No, just stay.
I could take care of you, Claire.
- No.
- Claire, I'm rich.
I invested in feminism in the '70s.
Please, I would never let that happen.
I've paid my way through college.
I've paid for everything.
Claire, if money was no object, if you could do whatever you wanted, what would you do? Maybe I'd go to Alaska? No, no, in a life way, bigger than that.
Mm, I don't know.
I mean, maybe I would go back to school for literature instead of business.
Okay, I'd pay for that.
Honestly, I've been self-sufficient my whole life.
I would never let you do that.
Claire, you've never had the opportunity to find out who you are.
I see so much more for you than just working for somebody else.
And let me help you.
I could support you.
You're a gypsy, and I could be your female Quasimodo-- just a hunchback but who stands up straight for you.
I guess I never thought of my life like that.
I mean, I have a head for business-- Claire! You're a painter.
Get to painting.
I don't really know how to begin.
Claire, you're a natural artist.
What am I supposed to paint? You know, I think in numbers.
I think in terms of-- Shh! Stop.
Just start painting.
- You're so beautiful.
- I am so beautiful.
Now tell the world.
- I-- - Stop thinking.
Just paint.
Get the grapes.
Get the grapes! Okay, I'm painting the grapes.
You're an artist.
Look at the canvas.
Now look at me.
Both at the same time.
Get the grapes.
Question yourself.
Fight with yourself.
You're an artist.
- Put the brush down! - Okay.
And look at it.
You're Michelangela.
I'm painting; I'm painting your knees and your legs and-- Don't forget the grapes.
Smile! Whoo! You're bl-- you're blocking my view.
Whoo! Say hi, Dougie! - I'm trying to drive.
- Say, "Dougie loves Kendall.
" - I'm trying-- - My body feels, like, so heavy.
Oh, no, are you okay? Oh, oh-- - What's going on? - Oh, it's-- - Don't puke in the car, guys.
- It's okay.
It's okay.
- It's okay.
Let it out.
- It's not okay.
More paint, don't look down.
More paint.
The thighs, get to the thighs.
No.
Let's go again.
I should shower and get out of here.
Let me bathe you.
Do you have a shower? I think it'd be faster if I just bathed myself.
Shh.
I don't know if this is relaxing.
Let me hum to you.
Can you grab me a towel? What? Ready to hop in the shower, Candace.
Bubbles! Whoo! Hi, I'm just calling to change the gas bill information, but I don't want to close the original one.
- So I moved to-- - We found puppies.
Oh, my God.
The new address is, um - Look at the puppies.
- 291-- - Do you see it? - It's so cute.
- It's so cute.
- One second.
She's still living there, but I'm the one who's moving.
- Stalder, right.
- Superpuppy! - Hi! - Incoming.
Guys, we have to stop off at the vet to make sure they get all their shots, especially that little one.
Also, when's the last time that they were walked? Does anyone know? They're so soft.
Hello, softest puppy in the world.
Oh, Doug, I think he peed in your bed a little bit.
- Puppy pee! - It's okay, right? - Puppy pee.
- It's not okay.
What do you think of just staying in and watching some Netflix tonight? You know what we should do? We should make our own movies starring the puppies! - Yeah! - Oh, my God.
- An action movie.
- Superhero puppy.
Spider-pup.
You know what I might do? I might go try to work tonight, you know, drive around.
- Okay.
- Would you be mad? No, of course not.
Well, um, I'll see you guys.
- I'm gonna miss you.
- I'm gonna miss you too.
I'm gonna miss you too! Claire, it's really, really perfect.
I think it looks silly, but-- You know what I'm gonna do on Monday? I'm gonna call my friend at Reed, get you enrolled, and you're gonna get your MFA.
That was kind of just fantasy.
I'm not really gonna go to grad school again.
But you could just live out your fantasy.
- Here.
- I'll do it.
Come on.
I can also set you up in the extra room on the side, and you can do your paintings, and I can help sell them.
Candace, you have been so nice to me.
You've done enough for me.
I've never felt more taken care of.
But I like my life.
I want to go home.
I want to shower.
I want to go on a run.
I want to go to work tomorrow.
The car's coming in about three minutes.
The car, are you sure? Why don't I walk you 3/4 of the way? I'll call you in a couple days.
A couple of days? What am I supposed to do, sit here and look at my cup? I'm gonna leave.
This has been great.
All right? - Are we playing tug-of-war? - You have a tight grip.
I'm trying to let go, but we're both not letting go.
Isn't that weird? No, I'm actually-- I've totally let go.
- You're still holding on.
- No, I'm not.
What are you trying to do to me? - Stop pulling me to you.
- Okay.
Look at this lifeline that leads right to my house.
Candace.
Bye.
- Claire? - Doug? Um, I guess I'm taking you home? Yeah.