Still Open All Hours (2013) s06e05 Episode Script

1 You never did make an honest woman out of Nurse Gladys, did you? You tried hard enough, though, didn't you? Well, I'm going to make an honest woman out of Mavis, I just need to give Madge and Gastric an extra push.
It's all right, I won't be neglecting the business.
Well, all right, please yourself, I'll keep it.
Did Mr Newbold come in yesterday? I didn't see him.
I don't think anyone's seen much of Mr Newbold, except Mrs Rossi.
He's not still fooling around with that Mrs Rossi, is he? Well, I don't think he's fooling.
What about Mrs Featherstone? Would you fool around with Mrs Featherstone? Oh, no, God forbid.
But he's supposed to belong to Mrs Featherstone.
Yeah, she thinks so, that's why she took him prisoner.
Well, now he's trying to escape.
If he does, she'll be around pestering me! I hope you both will be very happy together.
You Yeah? That Madge says I eat too much.
Are you sure she didn't say too loudly? Oh, if you think I'm loud, you should've heard me Uncle Beecham.
You had an uncle called Beecham? Who did that to him? Well, he were named after the pill.
Oh, his dad used to swear by Beecham's pills.
Right, what have you got for the reduced breakfast? I can't have you cutting back and making inroads into my profits.
Oh, no, I'm going to put you on the Arkwright diet.
What's the Arkwright diet? Eat as much as you want, then lie.
Oh, yeah! This is just a suggestion.
But if you got closer to Gastric, you'd be in pole position for monitoring his diet.
You just want to get me settled, so you can move into the shop with him.
Oh, I hate it when you're right.
So you're not denying it, then? You know I'm no good at lying.
I thought you'd improved.
I think it's time we both made our moves, before it's too late.
So make them for you, not for me.
Look, don't think of Gastric as overweight.
Think of him as cuddly.
How much "cuddly" do we need at our age? Don't you think it's time we found out? That's disgusting.
You see? We're past boring already.
You move some old boxes, you find this mouldy old snuff and suddenly we're back in the snuff business.
With a product that's been lovingly maturing for years.
You forgot it were there.
Subconsciously, my grocer's instinct was saying, "Leave it, Granville.
Leave it.
Let it mellow.
" What are you actually mixing in with this snuff? Well, I've got some dried rosemary - Yeah? - and then I've got some mixed herbs and then, of course, some dried blueberries to give it that nice, blue hue.
Here you are, smell that.
Doesn't smell bed.
Just hope no-one's nose falls off.
Shop! Hello.
Good day to you, sir.
Sorry if I startled you.
I've been down in our bargain basement.
You have a bargain basement? Oh, yes, featuring today's special offers.
Oh, really? What would they be, then? Snuff.
In an ornamental box.
Snuff? Does anyone still use the stuff? Ah, no, you're thinking of the traditional stuff.
No, this is the exotic variety from the rainforests of Ashton-under-Lyne.
Near Manchester? No, no, near Sierra Leone.
There's an Ashton-under-Lyne in Sierra Leone? Yes, they say that ours is a copy.
I have an auntie in Ashton-under-Lyne.
Oh, really? Does she attend the tribal dances? - She's chapel.
- Oh, yeah.
Probably keeps her clothes on then? Hi, Willis.
Hello, Ruby.
I can't stop, I have to get to work.
I know, I just wondered how you think we're getting on.
- Getting on? - Yeah.
You know getting on.
Oh, getting on.
Yeah, I think we're I think we're doing fine.
I'm so sorry.
This near-magical little substance is from an ancient recipe of the Clinkers.
- You never heard of them? - Can't say I have, no.
No, well I hadn't until a week last Thursday when their chief snuff salesman came in here.
Oh, he was a very nice chap he was, once you got past the war paint.
He spoke very good English, he could say, "Eh, eh up," like a native.
You said exotic.
In what way is this stuff exotic? Well, with regular applications of this snuff to the mucus membranes, the Clinkers were able to achieve remarkable feats of strength and endurance.
- Doing what? - Well, anything they put their mind to.
They are renowned, you know, for the speed in which they can convert their loft space into extra bedrooms.
Oh, well, since I've no interest in further bedrooms Oh, and of course, you know there is more.
More bedrooms? Well, not exactly, but there is a There is a link.
To the bedroom? It's the other thing that the Clinkers are renowned for.
Right.
How much? With the snuff box, £15.
- And without the snuff box? - £15.
But I will throw in the box as a You know, as a gift.
And how much do I take? Well, use it sparingly.
Don't shove it up both nostrils at once, just, you know, one at a time, otherwise you'll find that you're involved beyond your capacities.
I've always wanted to be involved beyond my capacities.
Hello, Ruby.
I have to ask.
They said, "Don't push him," but I have to ask.
Do you find me attractive? Don't lie to me, give it to me straight, I can take it.
Yes.
Yeah? He said, "Yeah!" All of me, though? Not just the bits you have to undo my buttons to get to? Ruby, we can't talk here, there's a queue.
- Okay, give me a stamp.
- What value? The cheapest.
We'll probably need to start saving.
We're going to be great together.
I can't wait to get you in that gym.
- Does it hurt? - If it doesn't hurt, you're being a pussy.
I'll keep this stamp, it's ours.
Miss me, that's an order.
Flowers? Roses.
Your best blooms.
What a nice gesture, I'm sure Mrs Featherstone's going to appreciate it.
Ye gods, man, they're not for the black widow, they're for Well, never mind who they're for.
Discretion, Granville.
I'm relying on your good fellowship.
There'll be no peace on earth if the black widow gets to hear about this.
Am I picking up signals that your relationship with Mrs Featherstone is cooling? "Cooling"? It was never less than arctic on my part.
Mr Newbold, I've got this snuff here that will make Mrs Featherstone look a lot better.
You haven't seen me, I haven't been in, I've never bought the flowers.
If anyone asks who bought flowers, tell them it was - Ketchup.
- Ketchup? No, no, no, no, not ketchup.
Granary! Winston Granary.
Four, five and right and swipe and left.
And swipe, left foot.
And over, yee-haw! And right, and swipe and left.
Left and swipe, left foot! That's it.
All the way around.
Okay, ladies, time for some hydrationals.
Oh, what's she doing there? All slim and attractive.
- Who? - Oh, the Rossi woman.
Looking slim and attractive's not a hate crime.
- Not yet, anyway.
- Well, it ought to be.
I think it's pushy.
Are you saying that, in order to fit in, you've got to be drab and ugly? Well, they're easier to like.
But you don't like anybody.
That is just my way of keeping the men at arm's length.
Are you under that much pressure? Look, if I didn't wear black, I don't know how I would keep them off.
I think it suits you.
Black is so you.
It works in support of what is already on your mind.
Early Chinese history? Particle physics? That kind of stuff? Well, yes, if you have a leaning towards any particular kind of activity.
Shall we say home improvements? Build your own greenhouse? This will help you get the job done.
And better than that, anyone who is nearby will get a sense of your heightened powers the area of in, say home improvements.
So if one had an interest, for example, in Activity A, this would Be your best friend.
And not just on birthdays and bank holidays? No, this is how you hack it any time.
But that's just a side effect.
The main reason for taking this stuff is to clear your air passages, you know, give your lungs a break.
Basically, you could say this stuff is a Well, a fitness product.
Yes, so where's the harm in that? But the side effects are always there.
Yes, unfortunately, but I suppose you just have to live with that.
I could live with that.
If it's improving your health.
I never saw myself as a cowgirl.
Well, none of us did.
And Cyril likes the dressing up.
He wants me to keep it on for watching movies.
What if they're not Westerns? He seems to be able to live with these inconsistencies.
Eric's the same, he'd have me wearing it doing the housework.
So, Mrs Rossi, what do you do for exercise? I like cycling but you live in fear of getting muscular calves.
I'm trying to shame Cyril into some exercise.
Any exercise.
Have they no interest in "exercise"? About usual for their age and condition.
At least it avoids muscular calves.
Right, come on then, ladies.
Let's get back to the rodeo.
Okay, are we all ready? And to the right.
And dig and swipe and left.
And swipe, left foot! That's it.
What's been clouding your horizons? That Madge has suddenly taken up exercise for me.
That's good, Gastric, it shows she cares.
Me cousin, Lena, went on a diet, started eating less.
Finished up marrying a bloke from Accrington.
Well, it's all right, you won't have to marry a bloke from Accrington.
Just as well, they don't last.
He left our Lena for a traffic warden.
It was probably cheaper than paying the fine.
Mr Newbold.
She likes cycling.
We're off for a ride.
I'll take a couple of high-energy drinks.
Yes, that's a very good idea cos you're going to need all your energy for Mrs Featherstone.
Happily, Mrs Featherstone can't ride a bicycle.
At last, I've found a path she cannot follow.
Put them on my bill.
Mrs Rossi awaits.
Wish me luck, Granville.
It feels like Spring again.
Have you noticed? You don't look as chirpy as Mr Newbold.
He's going cycling.
I didn't think he were dressed for tennis.
Secret cycling without Mrs Featherstone.
He's found a way to escape.
We've got to get Mrs Featherstone a bicycle.
Do we even know if Mrs Featherstone can ride a bicycle? Of course she can.
She has to, she's a capable woman.
She rode three husbands into the ground.
They weren't on wheels.
Where's the old shop bike? No, it's got a crossbar, it's not a ladies' bicycle.
Oh, don't bother me with technicalities.
Go on, go out there and find it.
It's another one of his cons.
Maybe not this time.
That would be a first time.
He merely said it works wonders for the Clinker people.
But do we really need to convert our roof space? It wasn't just the roof space.
It makes things better all round.
Do you think it might improve the shall we say, social skills? So let's test it.
Let's try it on the barmaid.
Let's take some and let's see if she looks at us any differently.
She's looking.
We've cracked it.
She can't take her eyes off us.
How about that, then? This stuff is prime.
I sent you off to go and get changed to go running, not to come back looking like a Russian spy who's lost his trousers.
Well, I don't want to be seen in the street wearing shorts again.
But Madge needs to see you exercising.
I'll run quick past Madge's place once, and that's it.
What? What happened to that lavender underwear? It's in the drawer.
Oh, you're just going to leave it to languish in a drawer? Eric, it's not even tea time yet.
There's no law against making plans in the afternoon.
It's a working weekday, it's probably going to rain, people are going about their business quietly, slightly miserable, it's the only proper response.
Eric! You are out of sync.
I just thought I'd ask.
Furthermore your nose is blue.
Apart from dressing funny, what are you doing? What I'm doing is dying of embarrassment.
I can see why.
Nobody in my family have ever shown their legs outside of wedlock.
So what are you doing loitering between two cars? I'm waiting to catch a glimpse of Madge at the window, then I go racing past and she thinks I'm training.
What for? The streamlined figure.
It's never going to happen.
You never know what's going to happen.
For instance do you know your nose is going blue? You're on.
Have you heard? Let me guess, you've got engaged to Mr Newbold and you've come to show me the ring.
Ring? I can't even show you Newbold.
I'm told he went off on a bicycle.
Well, keeping fit, I shouldn't wonder, you know, just for you.
Well, I didn't even know he had a bicycle.
I mean, if they can conceal a bicycle, it makes you wonder what else they can conceal.
Well, he's probably out there looking for places where you two can ride together.
But I haven't ridden a bicycle since I was a child.
Well, they do say, you know, you never forget.
Well, I've nearly forgotten three husbands, what chance has a bicycle? Wait, now here's an idea.
You could refresh me on the bicycle, Granville.
Yeah, well, I couldn't leave the shop, Mrs Featherstone.
No, of course, the shop must come first.
We'll watch the shop together.
Now just forget about Newbold and his concealed bike.
Listen, on second thoughts, I think I could get you cycling again so that you could join Mr Newbold.
Oh, as you wish.
I'm here to be used by you, Granville.
Bicycle me, Granville.
You ride beautifully, Mrs Rossi.
Oh, Mr Newbold, I think I'm blushing.
And it suits you.
And I think this day is marvellous.
But of course it won't last.
Why think that? Experience.
I'm just waiting for the puncture.
Not while we're resting, surely.
Don't you find that something always lets the air out of happiness? We will attend to your puncture together, Mr Newbold.
We will apply a patch to any leak in your happiness.
Just come and sit.
Right, here we go, Mrs Featherstone.
Your steed awaits.
Right, hold it steady now, Leroy.
Now, can we get our leg over, Mrs Featherstone? Oh, Granville! Right, off we go.
A near miss there.
Right.
No.
Go on.
I'll give you a hand there, go on, get on.
No, no, no, steady, Granville.
Three husbands, and I don't remember a move like that.
All right, all right.
Leroy, take the bike away.
Right, now you stand here, give me this leg.
And I'll put it there like that, see? Then I'll get hold of this leg.
Now I am joined in the middle, you know? Yes, now we will bring the bike to you.
Right, Leroy.
Come on.
Here we go.
Prepare to mount, Mrs Featherstone.
There.
Up we go, up.
There we go! There! Here we go! You've already packed in more than three honeymoons.
Down, down, right.
Okay.
Plan B, I have a solution to this.
Hold on, wait there.
Tell me honestly, Leroy, is this leg longer than this one? I'm sure it's not, Mrs Featherstone.
Here we go, this will do it.
Right.
Now, pop up there, Mrs Featherstone.
Right, up.
Oh, Granville! Job done, Mrs Featherstone.
Well, you won't get that on the internet.
Are we ready for lift off? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, don't-don't let go! All right, hang on, we won't let go until you've got your balance.
- Oh, hey.
- Right.
Oh, heck, go and see who that is, will you, Leroy? I thought I was never meant to leave you alone with No, it's all right, the bike's taking the weight now.
Go on, off you go.
Right, are you ready Mrs Featherstone? Ready when you are.
And call me Delphine.
Oh, all right, Delphine.
Ready? Off we go! Come on, wahey! May I suggest the kiss of life? No, no, no, no, I'll be all right once you get your knee out of my small change.
How is it my fault their noses go blue, hm? They've overdone it, that's what they've done.
They've not followed the Ashton-under-Lyne protocol.
They've exceeded the recommended dosage.
They should've kept their mind on converting their roof space.
If you're the sheriff you'd better take me in.
Do you like it? Yes, yes, but we'd better get inside.
This is Apache country.
Are we going to circle the wagons? Well, we may have to stay inside until the cavalry get here.
Will they be long? Well, all we can do is hope so.